Eastwick (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 10 - Tea and Psychopathy - full transcript

After Jamie reveals to Roxie that Darryl is his father, she sets about having a dinner party where father and son can bond. But Jamie has a secret, darker plan for the evening. Meanwhile Kat embraces her newfound power by healing every patient she comes into contact with, but her compassion leads to drastic physical consequences. And Max asks a reluctant Joanna to help him crack a famous unsolved Eastwick murder, but their snooping leads them to a perilous situation with Eleanor.

Hey, sorry, I'm late

You know when you have to keep
hitting your snooze button

Because you just don't want
to face the fact

That you spent four years
in journalism school

Only to work in a dank bar that
is nothing like coyote ugly

And no one's even reading
your stupid blog,

Not even your own mother

And the last guy you slept
with was gay and married,

And you'll probably end up
dying fat and alone,

And your cat will gnaw
your face off...

And they'll have to use
dental records to identify you,

And the only relief that you get
from the sad existence

That is your life is
the five stolen minutes

That is the sweet, sweet oblivion of sleep?

Hey, guys! Sorry i'm late.
It is such a gorgeous morning!

Isn't it a gorgeous morning?
It so cold and invigorating!

Why are you so chipper?

Thank you.

I did it. I finally did it.

I healed greta in the hospital
last night...

using my magical powers.

I know. She went back
to new york this morning,

Fully recovered,
because of me, little old me.

I know! I know.

I mean, it was so emotional
and amazing.

And i mean, i barely got
any sleep last night

And now i'm freakin' exhausted,
but i don't care,

Because i am potent and mighty!

I'm proud of you, sweetie.
You're finally embracing

The fact that you're a freak, like us.
Wait. We're not--

We're not freaks. Come on.

We're freak-Adjacent.
Okay, fine. So what if we are freaks?

We are freakin' awesome!

What's that?

Oh. Uh, see,
while your magical powers

Allow you to heal the world,
mine just show me

All the horrible things that are
gonna happen in the future,

Which i am powerless to stop.
You're gonna knife someone?

Or be knifed. I don't know.

I keep having visions of
this dagger dripping with blood.

I don't know whose,
i don't know how,

Well, maybe it's not blood.

Maybe, uh, maybe it's just ketcp,

And maybu're gonna use
that dagger to cut a sandwich.

On that note, i'm gonna go open the bar

So that scabby jim
can pinch my ass and not tip me.

Yeah, that's right.

I have a regular named scabby jim.

Life is good.


Life is good.

See ya.


Hey, rox.

Ah, it's a lovely day, isn't it?

Ah, by the way, i fixed
the wobbly shelf in your shop.

It's good as new.
And i brought you a muffin.

Thank you.
Look at us. We're such good neighbors,

We should be in an international
coffee commercial.

Oh, by the way, Your friend bun was
by the shop earlier to see you.

She was? And you let her in? And then
you two were talking, you and bun?

Oh, god, i'm sorry. Um, should i
not have opened the door?

No, no, it's fine.
It's just--The truth is,

I've been dying to get you two
together for a while now.

Really? Why is that?

Well, i don't know if i should
be the one to tell you this,

what the hell?

Bun's your mother,

Your long-Lost mother
who put you up for adoption.

Roxie, bun's not my mother.

Yes, she is.

No, you're mistaken.
Bun knew my mother,

But she's definitely
not my mother.

My mother's name was
gloria spofford.

She died 25 years ago.
Are you sure? How do you know?

I've done extensive research
since i've been here.

I've even spoken to bun
about her.

Jamie, i'm so sorry for
you toave to come all this way

Only to find out that she's--
I know. I know. But i-I-I--
There is a silver lining.

Um, i found out
who my real father is.

That's great. Who is it?

Well, you might not
believe this,

But it's darryl van horne.
What? You're kidding.

No. Uh, he and my mother had
a brief affair back in the '80s.

My darryl van horne? Uh, our darryl van--
This darryl van horne?

Is your father?

He is.
Does he know about you?

No. I mean,
i don't believe so, anyway.


I-I mean, i' been trying to
figure out a way to talk to him,

But i find him rather
intimidating, to say the least.

I tried to speak to him
at your art show,

But i just couldn't bring myself.

You know, what if he rejects me?

Jamie, i know darryl,
and he may be a lot of things,

But i don't think he would reject his own son.
Well, still,

I-I just don't think i can take the risk.
Okay, well, how about this--

How about if i get you two
to dinner at my house?

Could be the buffer.
That way, you wouldn't have

To feel so nervous.
He w't feeso ambushed.

Well, he'll feel a little bit
ambushed, but it'll be great.

We'll eat, we'll drink,
we'll sit, we'll talk,

We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll hug.
You'd really do that for me?

You're my friend, jamie,
and--And darryl's my friend.

And i would do anything
for a friend.

Thank you, roxie, really,
from the bottom of my heart.

You're welcome.

God, i suddenly feel a little nervous.
No, don't.

It'll be great.

Oh, i'm in.

It was almost too easy.

Don't get cocky, kid.
You screwed this up once before.

Yeah, well,
i won't screw it up again.

Trust me. I know exactly
what i need to do.

Tonight, unless she wants me
to kill her,

Roxie's gonna kill darryl van horne.

Sync by ReHelen

So do you think
he's ever gonna call me?

Why don't you just call him?
Because i haven't talked to him since our fight,

Which was his fault,
and i don't want him to think

I'm just sitting around,
mooning over him,

Fantasizing about his perfect
little man nipples

Anndering when in the hell
he's ever gonna call me.

Dear god!
Okay, sweetie, look, i think the lesson here is

That men suck,
and we don't need them.

We have each other,
and that's what matters.

I mean, we can--We can wallow
in our misery together.

You're gonna feel a whole lot better

When you just accept
that he's not gonna call.

Oh, my god. It's him.

Hello? Oh, jamie.

Yeah, of course i...
yes, i remember you.

You want me to come over there
right now?

No, no, no.
Tell him that you're busy.

He made you wait. You make him wait.

You know what?
Um, can't. Busy.

Good. Yeah, stay strong.

Okay, great.

I'll see you in four minutes. Bye.
What the hell just happened?

I'm not strong. I'm horny.
See you later, jojo.



Hey there, sunshine.
Ass face.

I have a question for you.

Yes, you do look like a total
jerk hole in that sweater.

Are you seriously
still holding a grudge?

I-I thought we bonded.

I saved your best friend's.

Mm, no, i did.
And kat did and roxie did.

You just helped... a little.

Still, i'd say you owe me one.

Wow. You stole my job,
you ripped off my ory,

And now you want me
to do you a favor?

You have a lot of nerve.
Of course i do.

That's how i got my pulitzer.

Sorry. Couldn't hear you
over my gag reflex.

Have you ever heard of a woman
named gloria spofford?

She was murdered here in eastwick 25 years ago.
I can't hear you, max. I've got an air supply album on

In my head right now, so...
her naked body was found in the middle of town square.

The word "witch" was carved
into her forehead.

It's a very famous unsolved case.

And i'm gonna solve it.
J-Joanna. Stop it.

Me on. There are
very few stories in this town,

But this--This is the
big one. All right?

No one has been able to crack it,
Until you and i got on the case.

As you've mentioned
several thousand times,

You have a pulitzer.

Why the hell
would you need me?

Because....not a damn person in this town
will talk to me about it.

Well, of course not. You're
obnoxious, you're a stranger,

And nobody likes you.
Right, which is where you come in.

I've watched you,
and there's something about you.

You've got a way
of making people talk.


You've watched me?

From a detached, professional distance,


Seems like maximillian's
got himself a little crush

On the old jojo.
Here's the deal--

Uh. We split everything
down the middle, 60/40.

Bite me.

50/50. I want a written contract,

And i'm in the byline first.
Would you enjoy a kidney as well?

Take it or leave it, friend.

You're the one who needs a job.

I've got a job... and a blog.

Fine. 50... 50.

I still hate you.
Duly noted.

What do we got?

Skateboarding accident.
Unconscious 20 minutes.

Nurse gardener,
get him upstairs for an m.R.I.

Oh, my god. It's my fault.

He was showing me a trick.
He fell. He hit his head on the curb.

Okay, we'll take good care of him.

Oh, kiddo, you poor thing.

What happened?

You got hurt.

But you're all better now.

How many hobbies do you have?

Well, i'm surprised to see you here.

Last time you were in my house.

I believe you were fleeing my bed

Because i had the nerve
to support your art career.

And i'm sorry about that.

I may have overreacted
just a teeny bit.

So why don't you
come to dinner tomorrow

And let me make it up to you?

Will y be on the menu?

The menu will include chicken...

And a surprise.

8:00. Don't be late.

You're our lucky charm tonight,

Oh, my god!

Last night was amazing.

I have never seen jamie so
just like... fired up.

Yes, i can see that.
What are you talking about?

U have sex hair.
Oh, i know. And i love it.

Wait a minute.
What are you doing here?

Are we supposed to
have coffee or something?
Oh, no. I'm here to see max.

We're working on a story together.
Oh. Now i get it.

You get what?

Why you don't have your glasses
on and why your hair is down

Anwhy you're wearing a boob blouse.

You have a crush on him.
I do not!

Don't be embarrassed. He's very cute.
He's annoying.

Mm-Hmm. And you're blushing.
I'm not blushing.

Oh, really?
Why are you blushing?

I'm not! Oh.

Can we just get to work, please?

Have fun.
That's a nice blouse.

Thanks. It's old.

So what do you have for me
on the gloria spofford case?

Ah, my research so far.

Wow. That is good work.

I mean, you really cracked
the case wide open.

Look, it's a start.
It's a date.

The date of her death.
That's weird.

What's weird?
She was killed on august 3rd, 1984--

That's the same day that
sebastian hart was killed.

Local millionaire. Drowned
in a tragic fishing accident.

Oh, right. Of course.

Uh, sebastian hart--You think
he faked his own death

And then changed his name
to darryl van horne, and so

Wrote a story about it,
and that's why you got fired.

Your hairline's receding.

You think the two deaths
are connected somehow?

What do the police reports say?

I tried to get my hands on them.

But sheriff teaser
wouldn't let me see it.

He said it wasn't part
of the public record

And he wasn't gonna show it to me.
See? This is why you need me.

I have vays
of making people talk.

Watch me get that report.

We have the need for speed.

Let's go, em. Grab that backpack.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Wait. I-I-I thought you were
taking the kids to school.

Em forgot her backpack, And r.J.'S sick.
'S the deal with the hair?

What are you talking about?

It looks like it's time for a dye job.

You, uh, going gray or...

Whoa! Yikes. That's weird.

Mrs. Neff will be here
in an hour to look after r.J.,

But now i'm late for work, so you take them to school?
Oh, ray, i just got off a 12-Hour shift.

Yeah, and i'm about to
start one, so i really gotta go.

Oh, and, uh, em's wearing the hat

Because she's got gum in her hair.

See you later.

R.J., come here, baby.

You're not feeling well?

I'm 102.5.

Oh, mommy's a little dizzy herself.

Okay, open up.

Hey, you do feel pretty hot.


You know what?
Let me try something.

Um, close your eyes and let's
take your temperature again.

Well, would you look at that?

98.6. Guess daddy's thermometer
was wrong, huh?

How do you feel?
Better, mom.

Yay! Okay.

All right, guys, come on.

School time. Let's get in the car.

Let me get my purse.
I'll be there in a second.


Watch and learn, hotshot.

Hey, sheriff. How you doing?

How's elaine?
How's little clementine?

Did she get over the chicken pox yet?
As good as new and back in school.

What can i do for you, miss frankel?
Well, i'm working on a story--

It's about the old
gloria spofford murder--

And i was wondering
if i could take a quick look-See

At the police report.


Like i told your friend here
the other day,

It's a sealed report.

Oh, yeah, but you know
how the old phrase goes--

"Seals were made to be broken."

That's not a phrase.

It's not?

Look, i can't show you that
report without a court order.

But...you suppose
that you can bend the rules.

Just this once.

I suppose i can bend the rules
just this once.


Follow me.

Come on, max.

No, really, you know...

oh, god, i feel like
i'm gonna pass out.

So...what are you thinking?


Uh, i don't get it.

Well, when you wait years
for something

And it finally happens,

It's a rather satisfying

So you mean
you've waited years for me?

Among other things.

Look, i want you to know,

If anything ever happens to me,
i really do care about you.

What do you--
What do you mean,

If anything were
to ever happen to you?

Oh, nothing. I'm sorry.

I'm just a little scattered.

I have something very important
that i'm gonna do tonight,

Something th was wrong
is gonna be made right.

I just can't wait for it
to happen.

What are you gonna do?

Could you give us
a minute alone, please?

I can't leave you two here alone.

Sure, you can.

It's okay.

You know what? I'm gonna
leave you two alone.

All right, how do you do that?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I swear, any chick
with a halfway decent rack

Gets away with murder.

You know, i find that
incredibly insulting.

My rack is not halfway decent.
It's awesome.


Look, according to this, she was
found naked in the fountain

By a jogger at 6:00 a.M.
In the morning of august 3rd.

Uh, someone had carved the word "witch" into--
Tell me something i don't already know.

Aha! Okay, look at this--

"Cause of death was found
to be acute septicemia."

Whoa. She was poisoned?

Oh, by something called "bloodroot."

Also "the victim's blood
show elevated levels

Of progesterone and oxytocin."
Whoa. She was pregnant?

No, it doesn't mention
anything about a fetus.

Well, that means she must have...
already had the baby.

Which might be connected
to the murder.

So if we find out what happened to that kid...
maybe we can find out what really happened to gloria.

Am i crazy, or did we just have a moment?
You're crazy.

What are you doing?
I'm taking the file.

Wh--And you say i'm a thief?

I am not stealing.

I'm just borrowing.
There is a difference.

Let's go.


Something smells good.

Chicn parm, my specialty.

I don't know how easy
that'sonna be

To eat off your naked body,
but we will try.

Three. Is mia joining us for dinner?

No, no. Mia's on a ski trip
with justine.

This is not an ambush.

It's a surprise.



What the hell is going on here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Everybody--I want everybody to
sit down at the table right now.

Go. Please sit at the table.
Aah! Aah!

Daddy's okay. Daddy is okay.



What? What?

What? What?

Oh, god. I must have fallen asleep.

Oh, i gotta go.

I'm working the night shift.

Okay, kids, who's ready
to go to grandma's, huh?

No, daddy.We didn't have dinner yet.
Okay, well, we'll stop on the way

For extra special burgers
and fries, okay?

Let's go. Hurry up, guys.
Get in the car.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Oh, crap!

What the hell is
going on here, kat?

I'm tired. I think i'm
coming down with something.

Are you on drugs?

Raymond, i fell asleep.
I've been working my ass off.

Come on.
You know you could have burned the house down?

Don't be so dramatic. Everything is fine.
How is this fine?

Oh, right,
i mess up once in ten years,

And suddenly you're father of the year?
Just get it together, okay?!

I am not kid... or else.

Or else what?

Or else i really will sue you, kat.

I will sue you for full custody,
and i will win.

I wouldn't do that if i were you.

Oh, yeah? And why not?
Because you'll make me mad.

And when i get mad, things start
to get very, very cold.


Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Are you freaking crazy?!


Don't do that.

Do not act all innocent, kat.

You know that that was you.

Wait. You think
that i made icicles

Magically fall on your head?

Which one of us
sounds crazy now, ray?

I know it was you, kat.

I know that the lightning was you.

And--And the wind
that almost killed my date

And that freaking earthquake!

Oh, yeah?
Well, tell that to the judge.

I'm sure you'll get custody.

I'm warning you, kat. You pull
something like that again,

I swear to god, i'm gonna--
And you'll what?

Don't mess with me, ray,

Because if you do,
i will mess youp right back.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks a lot for your help.

Well, there was another dead end.

It looks like there's no record

Of gloria giving birth
at eastwick county.

Well, maybe she miscarried.

or maybe she hid the pregnancy

From a jealous husband
who couldn't father a child,

Because she'd gotten knocked up
by a longshoreman

Who was just passing through
town. And then she had the baby,

Secretly, in the basement of her church.

And when the husband found out,
he bludgeoned her to death.

And to cover it up, he made it look like

A charles manson thing,
and then he carved "witch"

Into her forehead
before taking the baby

And moving to delaware to start a new life.
Why delaware?

It seems like a pretty great
place to raise a kid.

Or... maybe it was some kind
of weird charles manson thing,

Like a satanic ritual.
All right.

A bunch of cultists
kidnapped gloria

And--And sacrificed the baby
in a ritualistic ceremony,

Maybe even served him...
at dinner.

That's really plausible.

Okay, we're getting nowhere here.

This baby thing is a dead end.

Ooh! Ooh!

I have an idea.

What are you doing?
My roommate at harvard...

Was pre-Med,

And he aced every single
chemistry exam he ever took

By sleeping with his notes
on top of his body.

Yeah, is, uh, it's
like osmosis. It's scientific.

Hey now.
Wh-What are you doing?

What is it?

She was branded.

Yeah, like a cow. See?

Ha! I was right. Satanic ritual.

No, thisweird. Roxie had a vision

That jamie had this same symbol
branded onto his hip.

She had a what?

Uh, uh, nothing.

Uh, just forget it.

I bet she did this to herself.

Why would somebody brand

God, i don't know.
I-I have no idea.

I don't even know
what this symbol means.

I know who someone who would, though.


Nah, forget it.
She's a crazy old lady.

The last time i tried
to ask her questions,

She pulled a gun on me.
Sweet! I like a little danger.

And the older ladies love me.

Come on.

So, you know, darryl,
jamie's from england.

Yes, i'm from london, actually.
Really? I would have figured new jersey.

What? It's a joke.

I do have family roots
in eastwick, though.


Would you mind checking
on the cobbler, jamie?


Be nice to him.

Look, i'm sorry, but i'm--
I'm finding it a bit difficult

To understand why you invited me
to an intimate candlelit dinner

For which you already had a date.
He's not a date. He's a friend.

And the reason i invited you is
not up to me to tell,

But it's a good one,
and i hope you like it.

Oh, the cobbler looks good.

Ooh. Cobbler.

See? There it is.

Huh. Looks vaguely celtic.

Can i just ask--

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

Eleanor, hi.
Joanna frankel. Remember me?

Yes, the perky squirrel.

W-We're from
the "eastwick gazette."

Uh, well, i am. She's from the greasy stool.
Shut up.

But we just want to ask you
a few questions a-About

Gloria spofford's murder.

Really? Well, then come on in.
Don't be shy.

What are you waiting for?

When he comes back from
the bathroom, just tell him.

I'm sorry. I'm just nervs.
Don't be nervous.

It'll be great. I'll be here.
Don't worry.


Would you like
some more... cobbler?

Uh, no, thanks.

And i-I really hate to cut short
a perfectly dull evening,

But i've got to go home
and clean out a sock drawer.

You can't go.
Why not?

Just stay.
It's--It's important to me.


I asked roxie to organize
this evening

So i could tell you a story,
mr. Van horne.

Yeah, my life story, actually.
Oh, great!

I was born in eastwick,
you know?

At 3 weeks old, i was adopted
and sent to live in england.

Then when i was 16,

I received a letter from
an old friend of my mother's.

And this letter--
It contained my family history,

Including the real names
of both my parents.

Who fell in love with a young,
wealthy, charismatic businessman

Who was passing through town.
And soon after, i was conceived.

uh, let me guess.

Do you really need to?
I'm not your father, kid.

Excuse me?
Darryl, at least let him finish.

Oh, roxie, please.
This isn't the first con artist

Who's tried to claim
some kind of family connection

In order to extract
a piece of my fortune.

I haven't fallen for it before.

I'm not about to fall for it now.
No, you are my father.

You know something, sonny,
if you have issues

About your upbringing,
i suggest that you talk

To somebody who cares,
like your mother, maybe.

Myother? My mother's dead.
Mm. I am so sorry for your loss.

No, you should be.

You're the one who killed her,
you son of a bitch!

What the hell is wrong with you,

I would put down the phone, roxie.
Bite me!

I said, put it down!

Now sit down and let me explain.

Darryl van horne
is not what he seems.

He is an evil, evil man!
Oh, my god.

Listen to me.

He murdered my mother in
cold blood. He had this coming.

Please. He's bleeding so much.

Please, could i call the hospital?

He's not dead. He can't die!

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

Oh, you do. You feel it, too,
don't you?

I know you do.
He's not of this world.

He's shing else,
something wrong--

Something which shouldn't exist,
enticing, evil.

You're insane.

And i know what you are, roxie.

Oh, yeah. See, you're not
like other people, are you?

You have a gift.
That's why he came back.

He comes to people like you.

You wish for him, and he comes,
because you make him stronger.

But in the end,
you mean nothing to him,

And if you stop being of use,

He'll kill you, like he did her.

Roxie, please listen to me.

He is pure evil.

Please. Please let me help.

He has to die. I'm sorry.

It's for the good of the world.

Only i can't do it.
It has to be someone like you,

Someone in the full flower
of her gifts.

You're the only one
powerful enough.

I don't know what the hell
you've been smoking,

But i will not kill darryl.

No. Yes, you will.

You'll do it with this.
And i will kill you if you don't.

You should have seen her
when she was pregnant.

Oh, she was a glorious sight.

Her name was very fitting.

So gloria actually did have
the baby?

Oh, yes. But she gave him up
for adoption

When he was only 3 weeks old.
We couldn't find any record of the birth.

I was her midwife. She had him
right here in this room,

On that couch.

The cushions
were soaked in afterbirth.

So who was the father?

Well, his name was
sebastian hart,

But i believe you know him
as darryl van horne?

Oh, my god. I knew it!

I knew that darrylnd sebastian
were the same person!

You don't know the half of it,
honey. More tea?


Um, hey, w-Would you mind
coming down to the "gazette"

With us tonight so that
we can get this down on tape?

That is, if you're willing
to go on record.

I'm ready whenever you are.


I can't move.

Yeah, i can't feel my--I can't
feel my legs. It's like...

they're nailed to this horrible
afterbirth-Stained couch.

What is happening to us?

That would be the poison
kicking in, my darling.

Oh, my god. I know him.

His kids go to school with
my kids. What's his status?

Massive internal hemorrhaging.

All right, we need to prep him
for surgery.

Nurse gardener.
Nurse gardener.

Nurse gardener,
what the hell are you doing?

Just give me a second. I can save him.
No, you can't.

Yes, i can. I'm almost there.
He's dead. Didn't you hear me call it?

No, he's not. No. No, he's not.
I know his kids. I know him.

All right,
your nose is bleeding.

Who cares? It's just allergies.
Go home. Rest.

No! I need to save him.
That's an order, nurse gardener.


Make sure you get him
square through the heart.

Come on.
Please don't make me do this.

Roxie, look at me.

Look at me! This is a bad man
we're talking about,

An unrepentant murderer.

You don't know that.
Neither do i.

Please. Do the world a favor,

Make this right.

Eleanor and bun warned me
about this.

They said that before
they realized his true nature,

They, too, were taken with him.
Then when he got what he wanted,

He murdered their friend,
and he tried to kill them, too.


Give me the knife.

I'm sorry, darryl.




Help! Somebody help!

Somebody help!

Oh! Uhh!

Please. Let us go!

I'm afraid that's impossible.

I'm in the middle of a very
important operation right now,

And i can't have you messing it
up. You're an obstacle, darling.

At least, you were.

No. No!

Don't worry. You'll be
dead in an hour from the poison.

Hey, why didn't you flash her
the boobies?

Maybe that would have worked.
We are about to die,
and you are making stupid jokes?

What else am i gonna do?

Good question.
Nothing, i guess.

But i'm gonna try something.

Come on.

Move just a little.

Since we're about
to die anyway,

Can i just say something?


I'm sorry, you know, for, uh,
Stealing your job...

and your story.


God, you are so annoying.

Look, i didn't steal them.
All right, you lost them.

Please be quiet now.

You okay?

Don't worry.

We're gonna get out of this.



I told you my story,
and you chose him!

I'm sorry about your mother.
You're right!

Darryl's a bad man.
Call the police.

We'll have him arreste i w.

Please. We'll make this right together.

It's too late. I can't trust you
anymore. You betrayed me!

No! No!

You've got it all wrong, jamie.
You don't have to do this.

I'm on your side.
No, you're on his side.

I can't trust you anymore.
You've proven that. I'm sorry.