Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
- No.
- Mmmm hmmm.
It's like 4 AM.
It's 8:30.
Fuck me!
I'm trying.
No, I'm supposed to be at the gallery.
I was to open today.
It's a lot of responsibility.
- If I'm not there...
- What?
Nobody will be there.
Nobody is ever there. You
sell everything online.
It's been like a week.
Yeah, well...
Today might be the day. Who knows?
Doorbusters. People die.
People get trampled.
I've seen YouTube videos.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Lunch?
Yeah, Thom... Lunch.
My mom's coming into town
and we're getting lunch.
But I got scheduled for work.
- You give it up.
- Nice try, but you give it up.
You call somebody right now
and you give up your shift.
Fine, I'll give it up.
Yeah, you will.
Nope! Nope, sorry.
Hey, Mia.
Hey, um, I was wondering
if you could take my...
Yeah, I know it's lunch.
It's just you're my favorite.
Alright, fine.
Twenty bucks.
Do we have any ice cream?
No, sorry.
What about pizza rolls?
Do we have pizza rolls?
No, sorry.
I think we have some kale.
I always date hipsters.
We're all the same to you, huh?
Hey, no.
This is like only my longest
relationship, you know?
- It is?
- Mmm-hmm.
It's shocking, right?
- Well...
- Okay, come on.
You know it's shocking.
It's my shortest, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Two with Sara.
- Mmm-hmm.
High school.
Three with Chien-Ming.
Two with Dawn.
I mean, I don't really
date people so, you know.
You dated another Asian girl?
Oh, yeah.
Is she Chinese?
I don't know.
Dawn and Sara were both Korean...
Ugh!
I could date you for two years, maybe.
Yeah, I could do it. Maybe even three.
I think I could do it.
That's the limit, apparently.
Maybe even more, I don't know.
I think I'd like that, Kitty.
Babe, what's the matter?
Are you crying?
No. Yes. Maybe.
I just have a lot of emotions, okay?
Don't pay any attention to me.
Are you upset with me?
No. I have to go to the bathroom.
Everything okay, babe?
Yeah, I'm just, uh... really happy.
Where is he?
He's on his way; he just texted.
He texted you? The two of you text?
Well, we're not telepathic.
So, yes, we text.
Your father and I, we never had to text.
That's because texting
hadn't been invented yet.
I beg your pardon.
Texting was around for a
few years before the divorce,
thank you very much.
You know, I've always
been very tech savvy.
I tweet, I have an iPad.
Calvin, really.
How are things between the two of you
since Thom published his little expos??
Okay, it wasn't an expos?.
An expos? is a form of
investigative journalism.
He was certainly investigating
something, wasn't he?
Ahh.
- Hey.
- There he is!
Hi.
Let me look at you.
That sweater is a brave choice.
Thank you.
- You need a haircut.
- I know.
- And you need a drink.
- I do.
Another, darling?
Oh, I'm okay, thanks.
That's settled. Cynthia!
Three gin martinis.
Extra dirty. Extra gin.
- Oh, no, I'm okay.
- Cynthia!
Cynthia!
I love gin.
Cynthia!
I love California.
Just the weather, the
culture, the gay rights.
Well, technically the gay
rights aren't the best.
Almost gay rights.
Cal, I have an amazing idea.
Why don't we all take a
trip next month up to Maine?
I mean, it's beautiful
in the summertime,
and you and Thom can get married.
- Why Maine?
- Wait. What?
Spooked you.
But seriously though,
I mean, I'm not surprised
that the two of you are
opening up your relationship.
We're what?
Please, I read your little
expos? in France magazine.
Mom...
I think it's perfectly
natural that a man,
certainly two men,
would want to do something
a little different
before settling down.
Your father and I...
Don't talk about having sex.
I don't want to hear
about Dad having sex.
Well, I have sex too.
I'm a woman, and I have sex.
Yes, we are very well aware of that.
Damn good sex!
Okay, for the record, I
just want you to know that...
that that story was fiction.
We're not opening up
our relationship, okay?
Well, you're not cheating
on each other, right?
Cause I cheated on your father,
and it was the worst thing...
Mom, stop saying things, please.
Hey, just because you're
gay, doesn't mean every woman
in America is gonna
stop having sex, okay?
Wait. You're not saying that
you're breaking up, right?
Oh, no, Val.
Val, I promise, we are not breaking up.
You know, because that
would actually crush me.
It would just destroy me.
- Mom, just stop.
- I love you, Thom.
Stop, please. Stop, Mom, please.
I can't believe I have to
drive back to Phoenix tonight.
You're driving back to Phoenix tomorrow.
I am?
Well, that's good news.
Cynthia!
No. No. No.
Sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Yes! He's kidding.
Gallery.
You didn't answer your phone, asshole.
I'm working, asshole.
So am I.
I just got your mom upstairs.
She's probably raiding the mini bar.
My boss is staring at me.
I bet he is.
I bet he's, like,
undressing you with his eyes.
Come on.
I bet his eyes are, like,
kissing their way down your neck.
Your chest. Your six pack.
I don't have a six pack.
All the way down to your cock.
Okay, after this
morning I sincerely doubt
I'll ever be in the
mood for that ever again,
thank you very much.
Our hours are 9 AM to 5
PM, Monday through Friday.
Five PM.
Five PM and you come straight home,
you nasty, naughty little piece of shit.
Thank you vey much for your call, sir.
We look forward to your visit.
Cal?
What are you doing here?
Um, looking at the art.
Why?
This is an art gallery.
Okay, this isn't a museum.
This is a place of business.
This my place of employment, actually.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay. Well, I don't
even know your last name.
So excuse me if I didn't
know that you worked here.
I just like art.
Well, thank you...
for supporting the arts.
You should probably be leaving.
Well, what if I want to buy a painting?
Okay, well, too bad.
This is a photograph.
- Mmmm.
- So...
Well, this one's interesting.
So buy it.
It's 800.
Well, it's kind of awful.
But I like it.
Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Is that Thom?
Did... Did you...
Um...
Did you take all of these?
Oh, no. Just this one.
Oh.
It's kind of the pity spot
reserved for the front desk guy.
You know how to pick 'em...
Apparently.
Well, I do like it.
I do.
Well.
You should probably be leaving...
I should probably be leaving.
Yeah, probably.
You know, I...
I haven't heard anything,
um, from Thom, um, in a...
Swell.
I thought you'd like to know.
Between his phone, email
records and work schedule,
I think I've got my
bases pretty covered...
You know, short of getting
him micro-chipped at the vet.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not.
I just don't see why
we can't be friends.
Really?
I'm sorry, are you...
You're fucking crazy.
No.
Yeah. You're fucking crazy.
Sorry.
You really hate me?
Yeah.
No.
No.
You should probably be leaving.
Ex-boyfriend?
Sorry?
Rough breakup?
Uh, kinda.
Recent?
- Sort of recent.
- Is he crazy?
Uh, he might be crazy.
Harassing you at work. Come on...
He's desperate.
And he should be;
you're a fucking catch.
Thanks, boss.
I mean it...
Kiddo.
Go back to, um...
I don't know, whatever
it is you do around here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for taking Mom back to the hotel.
Oh, no problem.
Pleasure.
She made me do a shot from the mini bar.
And then she made me
promise to cut my hair.
That's Mom.
How was work?
Eh, non-eventful.
Take your clothes off already.
- Mmmm hmmm.
It's like 4 AM.
It's 8:30.
Fuck me!
I'm trying.
No, I'm supposed to be at the gallery.
I was to open today.
It's a lot of responsibility.
- If I'm not there...
- What?
Nobody will be there.
Nobody is ever there. You
sell everything online.
It's been like a week.
Yeah, well...
Today might be the day. Who knows?
Doorbusters. People die.
People get trampled.
I've seen YouTube videos.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Lunch?
Yeah, Thom... Lunch.
My mom's coming into town
and we're getting lunch.
But I got scheduled for work.
- You give it up.
- Nice try, but you give it up.
You call somebody right now
and you give up your shift.
Fine, I'll give it up.
Yeah, you will.
Nope! Nope, sorry.
Hey, Mia.
Hey, um, I was wondering
if you could take my...
Yeah, I know it's lunch.
It's just you're my favorite.
Alright, fine.
Twenty bucks.
Do we have any ice cream?
No, sorry.
What about pizza rolls?
Do we have pizza rolls?
No, sorry.
I think we have some kale.
I always date hipsters.
We're all the same to you, huh?
Hey, no.
This is like only my longest
relationship, you know?
- It is?
- Mmm-hmm.
It's shocking, right?
- Well...
- Okay, come on.
You know it's shocking.
It's my shortest, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Two with Sara.
- Mmm-hmm.
High school.
Three with Chien-Ming.
Two with Dawn.
I mean, I don't really
date people so, you know.
You dated another Asian girl?
Oh, yeah.
Is she Chinese?
I don't know.
Dawn and Sara were both Korean...
Ugh!
I could date you for two years, maybe.
Yeah, I could do it. Maybe even three.
I think I could do it.
That's the limit, apparently.
Maybe even more, I don't know.
I think I'd like that, Kitty.
Babe, what's the matter?
Are you crying?
No. Yes. Maybe.
I just have a lot of emotions, okay?
Don't pay any attention to me.
Are you upset with me?
No. I have to go to the bathroom.
Everything okay, babe?
Yeah, I'm just, uh... really happy.
Where is he?
He's on his way; he just texted.
He texted you? The two of you text?
Well, we're not telepathic.
So, yes, we text.
Your father and I, we never had to text.
That's because texting
hadn't been invented yet.
I beg your pardon.
Texting was around for a
few years before the divorce,
thank you very much.
You know, I've always
been very tech savvy.
I tweet, I have an iPad.
Calvin, really.
How are things between the two of you
since Thom published his little expos??
Okay, it wasn't an expos?.
An expos? is a form of
investigative journalism.
He was certainly investigating
something, wasn't he?
Ahh.
- Hey.
- There he is!
Hi.
Let me look at you.
That sweater is a brave choice.
Thank you.
- You need a haircut.
- I know.
- And you need a drink.
- I do.
Another, darling?
Oh, I'm okay, thanks.
That's settled. Cynthia!
Three gin martinis.
Extra dirty. Extra gin.
- Oh, no, I'm okay.
- Cynthia!
Cynthia!
I love gin.
Cynthia!
I love California.
Just the weather, the
culture, the gay rights.
Well, technically the gay
rights aren't the best.
Almost gay rights.
Cal, I have an amazing idea.
Why don't we all take a
trip next month up to Maine?
I mean, it's beautiful
in the summertime,
and you and Thom can get married.
- Why Maine?
- Wait. What?
Spooked you.
But seriously though,
I mean, I'm not surprised
that the two of you are
opening up your relationship.
We're what?
Please, I read your little
expos? in France magazine.
Mom...
I think it's perfectly
natural that a man,
certainly two men,
would want to do something
a little different
before settling down.
Your father and I...
Don't talk about having sex.
I don't want to hear
about Dad having sex.
Well, I have sex too.
I'm a woman, and I have sex.
Yes, we are very well aware of that.
Damn good sex!
Okay, for the record, I
just want you to know that...
that that story was fiction.
We're not opening up
our relationship, okay?
Well, you're not cheating
on each other, right?
Cause I cheated on your father,
and it was the worst thing...
Mom, stop saying things, please.
Hey, just because you're
gay, doesn't mean every woman
in America is gonna
stop having sex, okay?
Wait. You're not saying that
you're breaking up, right?
Oh, no, Val.
Val, I promise, we are not breaking up.
You know, because that
would actually crush me.
It would just destroy me.
- Mom, just stop.
- I love you, Thom.
Stop, please. Stop, Mom, please.
I can't believe I have to
drive back to Phoenix tonight.
You're driving back to Phoenix tomorrow.
I am?
Well, that's good news.
Cynthia!
No. No. No.
Sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Yes! He's kidding.
Gallery.
You didn't answer your phone, asshole.
I'm working, asshole.
So am I.
I just got your mom upstairs.
She's probably raiding the mini bar.
My boss is staring at me.
I bet he is.
I bet he's, like,
undressing you with his eyes.
Come on.
I bet his eyes are, like,
kissing their way down your neck.
Your chest. Your six pack.
I don't have a six pack.
All the way down to your cock.
Okay, after this
morning I sincerely doubt
I'll ever be in the
mood for that ever again,
thank you very much.
Our hours are 9 AM to 5
PM, Monday through Friday.
Five PM.
Five PM and you come straight home,
you nasty, naughty little piece of shit.
Thank you vey much for your call, sir.
We look forward to your visit.
Cal?
What are you doing here?
Um, looking at the art.
Why?
This is an art gallery.
Okay, this isn't a museum.
This is a place of business.
This my place of employment, actually.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay. Well, I don't
even know your last name.
So excuse me if I didn't
know that you worked here.
I just like art.
Well, thank you...
for supporting the arts.
You should probably be leaving.
Well, what if I want to buy a painting?
Okay, well, too bad.
This is a photograph.
- Mmmm.
- So...
Well, this one's interesting.
So buy it.
It's 800.
Well, it's kind of awful.
But I like it.
Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Is that Thom?
Did... Did you...
Um...
Did you take all of these?
Oh, no. Just this one.
Oh.
It's kind of the pity spot
reserved for the front desk guy.
You know how to pick 'em...
Apparently.
Well, I do like it.
I do.
Well.
You should probably be leaving...
I should probably be leaving.
Yeah, probably.
You know, I...
I haven't heard anything,
um, from Thom, um, in a...
Swell.
I thought you'd like to know.
Between his phone, email
records and work schedule,
I think I've got my
bases pretty covered...
You know, short of getting
him micro-chipped at the vet.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not.
I just don't see why
we can't be friends.
Really?
I'm sorry, are you...
You're fucking crazy.
No.
Yeah. You're fucking crazy.
Sorry.
You really hate me?
Yeah.
No.
No.
You should probably be leaving.
Ex-boyfriend?
Sorry?
Rough breakup?
Uh, kinda.
Recent?
- Sort of recent.
- Is he crazy?
Uh, he might be crazy.
Harassing you at work. Come on...
He's desperate.
And he should be;
you're a fucking catch.
Thanks, boss.
I mean it...
Kiddo.
Go back to, um...
I don't know, whatever
it is you do around here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for taking Mom back to the hotel.
Oh, no problem.
Pleasure.
She made me do a shot from the mini bar.
And then she made me
promise to cut my hair.
That's Mom.
How was work?
Eh, non-eventful.
Take your clothes off already.