Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Hey, Mom.
How's it going?
Yeah... no, I don't really think
that the world's going to end.
Because I don't think
the world's gonna end.
Yeah, I understand
about the Mayans, but...
Yeah, no, okay.
Yeah, no, I get that.
I just don't think
the Mayans were right.
I mean, I am going to an end
of the world party, but...
Nope... no date. Sorry.
But I am going with someone.
Three months.
He's a writer. Well, he's aspiring.
His name is Thom.
No, Thom, I'm thrilled for
you. I'm completely ecstatic.
The Paris Review, that's
a big fucking deal.
Well, you don't sound very thrilled.
Why, Thom? Why wouldn't I be thrilled?
Because you have this bizarre
notion that this story,
like everything else, is about... you.
You could've maybe changed
the character's name?
It's fiction!
In which the narrator
meditates on how much
he wants to cheat on his
frigid shrew of a boyfriend
for fifteen pages!
It is a story about the
natural longings and desires
that every person...
The Paris Review. Jesus Christ.
My mother is going to read this, Thom.
How's your mother gonna read this?
She has a Google alert set up for you.
Really?
Let's just get this
thing over with, okay?
We're late, so Kathy's
probably already...
getting dressed.
Look...
If you don't want to go
out, we don't have to.
Oh, we're going out.
With a bang.
Oh, with a bang.
Hey, babe.
No!
Everybody always says
I am late to everything,
and I am not going to be
late to the end of the world.
It is always sex, sex, sex with you.
All sex, all the time.
Is that what you want, sex all the time?
Babe, course it is, let me in.
We've been dating for, like, six months!
Am I even, like, your girlfriend?
Are you my girlfriend?!
I mean, I thought you
were my girlfriend.
Fine, I'll be your girlfriend.
Give me 15 minutes.
Hey, Ian.
Hey, guys.
Where's Kathy?
Gettin' dressed.
Jesus Christ.
Is she always late to everything?
How does she even do that?
What was that, Thom?
You look great, Babe.
Are you sure it's okay
to come in the back?
Yeah, I do this. like, every single day.
- God!
- Yes!
Fucking repent!
I repent.
Quincy, this is Ian, my boyfriend.
- Are you the temple guard?
- No, I'm not actually Mayan.
I don't know if anybody's Mayan anymore.
Something about colonization.
I want you guys to know
you are not going to be
human sacrifices, okay?
- Appreciate that.
- Thom's an experienced martyr.
Were we supposed to dress up?
- I love dressing up.
- No, this is about me!
This is my moment! Me,
me, me, me, me, okay?
Everyone gets a pocket Bible.
One for you, and for
you and for you, for you,
and... ♪ You're gonna love me! ♪
You understand that
reference? Did you get that?
So, here's the thing.
I already took the
liberty of highlighting
a few things out of Revelations.
These make great coasters.
They're also good for
door jambs, kindling,
and, of course, you can
bludgeon a homosexual.
Oh, yes, okay, very cute.
Very cute hate crime.
Now, go in there and
rapture your ass off!
Let's go, let's go!
Do you want a drink?
- Whiskey, double, please. And a PBR.
- Go!
You know the world isn't
actually ending, right?
My earrings are made of the
Rent musical, deluxe edition.
God, why are guys so
afraid of commitment?
I'm not afraid of commitment.
It's our six-month anniversary.
But it's only...
It will be at midnight. Whatever!
It's okay, I didn't
get you anything either.
I don't really care. Are
we breaking up right now?
What?
Thank you.
Wow.
What? Was I not supposed to drink it?
Oh, right, it was just
for display. Sorry.
Can we just try to have
a good time, please?
How about that guy? He
looks like a good time.
Go for it, sport.
- I don't want to go for it.
- Sure you do.
I read all about it in the Paris Review.
Published in the city of love.
Hey...
Look at me...
I want you.
Look at that guy; he
looks pretty slutty.
He's wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, a tight one.
Where are you going?
To get another drink.
♪ I don't give a crap if
you don't like my hat ♪
♪ Because I know it's amazing ♪
♪ And I don't give a poop
if you don't like my hoops ♪
♪ Because I know they're amazing ♪
♪ I don't care if
you're in my underwear ♪
♪ Because it all feels amazing ♪
♪ Amazing... ♪
♪ And I don't give a
fuck if you think I suck ♪
♪ Because I know I'm amazing ♪
♪ A - amazing ♪
♪ A, A - amazing ♪
♪ A - amazing ♪
♪ A, A - amazing... ♪
Babe, of course I take
your emotions seriously...
Why would you?
I'm not the kind of girl
that guys end up with.
I'm not that girl.
Wait, what are we talking about?
Did you know I never had
a real 'versary before?
Not like, a real 'versary.
I mean, yes, I have dated everybody,
but I've never really dated anybody,
except a couple of guys in college,
and then once this girl.
You dated a girl?
But none of it really counted, y'know?
Because I never got
any 'versary presents.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me, but you have rings.
You can get them on Etsy.
I make them. I make rings.
- She makes rings.
- How much for the shiny one?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want to go home?
- Just leave me alone.
Cal!
Attention ladies and ladyboys,
everybody gather around!
This is the Mayan
reckoning; it's come upon us!
Ten...
Can you all do that with me?
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven...
There you are! It's almost midnight.
I don't wanna die!
- I have something for you.
- What?
One!
Everybody's dead!
- Oh, my God.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Kathy, no.
Yes! Yes!
Wooo!
Cal.
I'm sorry, I'm really drunk.
Yeah...
Let's get you home.
No, you know what... you should stay.
You can have a good time, okay?
No, I can't. Not without you.
- Don't fucking touch me!
- Cal!
Thom.
I didn't know you were
gonna come to this.
I, um...
Don't you... usually work on Fridays?
- Yeah.
- No.
No, he doesn't.
Hey, I'm Jeremy.
Cal.
Um...
How do you know Thom?
We used to be roommates.
Excuse me.
Cal.
I'm sorry...
My friend, he's really drunk.
So I gotta go.
Cal!
Cal!
How's it going?
Yeah... no, I don't really think
that the world's going to end.
Because I don't think
the world's gonna end.
Yeah, I understand
about the Mayans, but...
Yeah, no, okay.
Yeah, no, I get that.
I just don't think
the Mayans were right.
I mean, I am going to an end
of the world party, but...
Nope... no date. Sorry.
But I am going with someone.
Three months.
He's a writer. Well, he's aspiring.
His name is Thom.
No, Thom, I'm thrilled for
you. I'm completely ecstatic.
The Paris Review, that's
a big fucking deal.
Well, you don't sound very thrilled.
Why, Thom? Why wouldn't I be thrilled?
Because you have this bizarre
notion that this story,
like everything else, is about... you.
You could've maybe changed
the character's name?
It's fiction!
In which the narrator
meditates on how much
he wants to cheat on his
frigid shrew of a boyfriend
for fifteen pages!
It is a story about the
natural longings and desires
that every person...
The Paris Review. Jesus Christ.
My mother is going to read this, Thom.
How's your mother gonna read this?
She has a Google alert set up for you.
Really?
Let's just get this
thing over with, okay?
We're late, so Kathy's
probably already...
getting dressed.
Look...
If you don't want to go
out, we don't have to.
Oh, we're going out.
With a bang.
Oh, with a bang.
Hey, babe.
No!
Everybody always says
I am late to everything,
and I am not going to be
late to the end of the world.
It is always sex, sex, sex with you.
All sex, all the time.
Is that what you want, sex all the time?
Babe, course it is, let me in.
We've been dating for, like, six months!
Am I even, like, your girlfriend?
Are you my girlfriend?!
I mean, I thought you
were my girlfriend.
Fine, I'll be your girlfriend.
Give me 15 minutes.
Hey, Ian.
Hey, guys.
Where's Kathy?
Gettin' dressed.
Jesus Christ.
Is she always late to everything?
How does she even do that?
What was that, Thom?
You look great, Babe.
Are you sure it's okay
to come in the back?
Yeah, I do this. like, every single day.
- God!
- Yes!
Fucking repent!
I repent.
Quincy, this is Ian, my boyfriend.
- Are you the temple guard?
- No, I'm not actually Mayan.
I don't know if anybody's Mayan anymore.
Something about colonization.
I want you guys to know
you are not going to be
human sacrifices, okay?
- Appreciate that.
- Thom's an experienced martyr.
Were we supposed to dress up?
- I love dressing up.
- No, this is about me!
This is my moment! Me,
me, me, me, me, okay?
Everyone gets a pocket Bible.
One for you, and for
you and for you, for you,
and... ♪ You're gonna love me! ♪
You understand that
reference? Did you get that?
So, here's the thing.
I already took the
liberty of highlighting
a few things out of Revelations.
These make great coasters.
They're also good for
door jambs, kindling,
and, of course, you can
bludgeon a homosexual.
Oh, yes, okay, very cute.
Very cute hate crime.
Now, go in there and
rapture your ass off!
Let's go, let's go!
Do you want a drink?
- Whiskey, double, please. And a PBR.
- Go!
You know the world isn't
actually ending, right?
My earrings are made of the
Rent musical, deluxe edition.
God, why are guys so
afraid of commitment?
I'm not afraid of commitment.
It's our six-month anniversary.
But it's only...
It will be at midnight. Whatever!
It's okay, I didn't
get you anything either.
I don't really care. Are
we breaking up right now?
What?
Thank you.
Wow.
What? Was I not supposed to drink it?
Oh, right, it was just
for display. Sorry.
Can we just try to have
a good time, please?
How about that guy? He
looks like a good time.
Go for it, sport.
- I don't want to go for it.
- Sure you do.
I read all about it in the Paris Review.
Published in the city of love.
Hey...
Look at me...
I want you.
Look at that guy; he
looks pretty slutty.
He's wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, a tight one.
Where are you going?
To get another drink.
♪ I don't give a crap if
you don't like my hat ♪
♪ Because I know it's amazing ♪
♪ And I don't give a poop
if you don't like my hoops ♪
♪ Because I know they're amazing ♪
♪ I don't care if
you're in my underwear ♪
♪ Because it all feels amazing ♪
♪ Amazing... ♪
♪ And I don't give a
fuck if you think I suck ♪
♪ Because I know I'm amazing ♪
♪ A - amazing ♪
♪ A, A - amazing ♪
♪ A - amazing ♪
♪ A, A - amazing... ♪
Babe, of course I take
your emotions seriously...
Why would you?
I'm not the kind of girl
that guys end up with.
I'm not that girl.
Wait, what are we talking about?
Did you know I never had
a real 'versary before?
Not like, a real 'versary.
I mean, yes, I have dated everybody,
but I've never really dated anybody,
except a couple of guys in college,
and then once this girl.
You dated a girl?
But none of it really counted, y'know?
Because I never got
any 'versary presents.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me, but you have rings.
You can get them on Etsy.
I make them. I make rings.
- She makes rings.
- How much for the shiny one?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want to go home?
- Just leave me alone.
Cal!
Attention ladies and ladyboys,
everybody gather around!
This is the Mayan
reckoning; it's come upon us!
Ten...
Can you all do that with me?
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven...
There you are! It's almost midnight.
I don't wanna die!
- I have something for you.
- What?
One!
Everybody's dead!
- Oh, my God.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Kathy, no.
Yes! Yes!
Wooo!
Cal.
I'm sorry, I'm really drunk.
Yeah...
Let's get you home.
No, you know what... you should stay.
You can have a good time, okay?
No, I can't. Not without you.
- Don't fucking touch me!
- Cal!
Thom.
I didn't know you were
gonna come to this.
I, um...
Don't you... usually work on Fridays?
- Yeah.
- No.
No, he doesn't.
Hey, I'm Jeremy.
Cal.
Um...
How do you know Thom?
We used to be roommates.
Excuse me.
Cal.
I'm sorry...
My friend, he's really drunk.
So I gotta go.
Cal!
Cal!