Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 8 - Chapter 29 - full transcript

- May I help you, sir?
- Lonely are the insomniacs.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I've been tossing
and turning in my sleep

and this blanket
is very, very itchy.

Could you please take it away?

If that's not too much trouble.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

- Oh!
- Oh.

A stow away.
He's a big boy,

I probably should have
bought him another seat.

- Maybe I should call the pilot.
- Well, I don't think he wants to meet him.



Hm? You know, I've noticed
that you haven't asked me

to put him back in his crib.

- What are you doing?
- I'm writing down my number.

Don't bother.
I am not going to call you.

No, no, no.
This is my bank balance.

And now you've seen
my two biggest assets.

If you don't mind, I'd like
you to go to the bathroom

and get yourself prepared.

If that's fine with you.

Thank you again
for being so helpful.

You can open your eyes now.

You saw that, right?

That's how you do it.

I'll be four
and a half minutes.



Order in the court.
I object to this divorce.

Lawyers, you've done
a magnificent job

of helping me butt-fuck
my wife in this settlement.

But your services
are no longer needed.

Effective immediately,
you're all fired.

- What did you call us in here for?
- Overruled!

Get the fuck out of here,
goddamn it. Now!

Get those motherfucking
attachés out of here.

There's a special place
in hell for guys like you.

April, I lost my way.

I spent a lot of sleepless nights
wondering where I went wrong.

But a great change has occurred.

- I love my family now.
- Now is not the time

to have this discussion, Kenny.

- It's too late. - It's only too late
if we sign those documents.

- Don't engage, April.
- You shut your mouth, you white honkey!

C'est, c'est mon.

April, I've grown a lot
as a man since the holidays.

Now all I ask of you is
to think about this decision.

Search your feelings.
If a week from now

your heart tells you
this is the right move...

...then I'll gladly
sign those papers.

We can wait a week.

Right?

You made a wise decision
here today.

Let the thinking and
contemplating begin now.

Everyone
Crew people. Laborers.

Migrant workers.
Please, gather 'round. Everyone.

I know a lot of you guys
are very upset with me

for my behavior
on the Christmas Special.

I want to prove to you guys that I
am willing to turn over a new leaf.

I'm gonna make
a sacrifice right now.

Billy, Trent. Please step-eth
forward to-eth me. Thank you.

Please remove your black Wilson leather
jackets and place them upon the floor.

Do you all behold this?
These are my muscles.

And look at them now.
Just cheap black T-shirts.

You're fired.
Get the fuck outta here.

True change.
We're all capable of it.

Let's fucking
get this show back on track!

- Let's...
- Mr. Powers.

Mr. Powers.
Sorry to interrupt, but,

before you apologize, perhaps you'd
like to hear what we have to say.

Uh, I'm trying to bond
with my crew right now.

So...
maybe this can wait, suit.

My name is Ronny Thelman.

And this here
is my friend's son, Jerome.

I'm sorry, why do I care about
your family tree-slash-life story?

Well, you see, I'm head of the
network and therefore your boss.

Oh! My bad. Very fascinating story.
Please continue, I'm sorry.

- Come here, Mr. Powers.
- OK. Yeah.

Come on.

Kenny, I think you're great.

I saw your Christmas Special
and I thought it was

the most fantastic bit
of television I've ever seen.

The fact that it was Christmas
and yet you was behaving

in the most
selfish manner was...

it was a breath of fresh air.

I wanna renew your contract.

I wanna offer you a new show.

- Your own show.
- Are you serious?

Yeah. I want you to be
the next Ellen DeGeneres.

Well... she's pretty dope.
But she's a lesbian.

I know she's a lesbian.
I was in the meeting

when we decided
she should be one.

And I was in the meeting
when we decided

that Ryan Seacrest
should be straight.

- That was a good call.
- You know what?

I think for your first show
I've got the idea.

It's gonna be a world exclusive
interview of Guy Young.

First time since
his fall from grace.

Get him on the couch.
Get him to apologize.

You know, maybe shed some tears.
You know, really open up.

Well, I mean, that sounds like
a great idea in theory

but Guy Young and myself
are not really friends.

I mean, he's a mess.
I destroyed the man's life.

I know you did.
I mean, the thing is,

you know, you either want
the show or you don't.

No, no, no.
You want Guy Young?

- I'll get you Guy Young.
- Fantastic.

Jerome, you look tired.

Do you want a break?

Uh, any of you girls
any good with children?

Great. This is Jerome.
He's 13 years old.

Do you mind taking him into the other
room and thucking his willy off?

- Kenny.
- Kenny.

- There he is.
- Kenny's here.

Looking good, champ.

You think I look good.
Oh.

Look at all the little worker
bees tending to their queen.

That's good little muchachos,
helping your father.

I tell you, trying to kill myself
was the best thing I ever did.

- It's pretty awesome.
- OK. Good.

What a nice family.
Thank you guys.

Look at us, man.
Two dudes on the mend, huh?

With this new television show we're gonna
be more famous than Oprah Winfrey.

Speaking of,
I read your screenplay.

Finally, motherfucker.
Jesus Christ.

I've been sitting here
on goddamn pins and needles.

What'd you think?
You love it?

Uhh... It was good.
It was...

- I like the...
- Hmm?

- The stage directions.
- The stage directions?

Uh, it's always very clear
who was talking to each other.

Dude, what about the story,
dude? Did it connect for you?

Kenny, it's all voice over.

Show, don't tell.
That's the golden rule.

Jesus Christ. Dude, I think that
gunshot wound gave you down syndrome.

- - You need to work on
your communication skills

- with auteurs, OK?
- But the ending,

- it coulda been so much stronger...
- Goddamn.

You injure your fucking jaw
and suddenly you're Roger Ebert.

I'm more Gene Siskel.
Ra-ra-ra.

I'll let this pass, brother,

because you are a little loopy
from the pain medicine.

Hey, you want some Vicodin?

- Yeah, sure. I'll take one.
- Kenny Jr.,

bring Daddy them pills.

Guy?

Thank you so much.

- Guy? Guy?
- I love you. Guy Young loves you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome back to
another session of The Sesh.

I'm Guy Young and man, we got
a great show. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Geyser.

What's up, Old Faithful?

- What's going on here?
- Well--

If it isn't the great TV star,
Kenny Powers.

I come in peace, Guy.
I bring good news.

Oh yeah? Well,
unless that good news

is you have testicular cancer,
I don't give a rat's ass.

I don't have cancer
in my balls, Guy.

But I do have a brand new
television show.

Oh, goddamn it. What are you
trying to do to me, Kenny, huh?

You just trying to twist
the knife in my back?

I never wanted you
to end up this way, Guy.

This competition
got the best of both of us.

And I want to take
responsibility for my actions.

No.

It's not that easy.

I've lost everything.
I lost my show.

I lost my food chains.
I lost... my AIDS charity.

Nobody wants me anymore.

I don't think I can help you
get AIDS back, Guy.

But I can offer you
a chance at redemption.

I'd like to grant to you an
interview as the very first guest

on the first episode
of my brand new show.

You can apologize
to the masses.

You can begin
the difficult task

of rebuilding your brand.

No.

I shit on your kind gesture.

Guy, you can't quit.

You don't belong in here, man.
You belong out there.

You're a natural born celebrity.

Why are you doing this, Kenny?

Because once upon a time,

a dear friend did the
same exact thing for me.

Gave me a shot when the rest of
the world had counted me out.

Seems only fair
to return the favor.

OK, that was very cool,
what you just said.

I mean, I wasn't as down
as you are now

- when you found me.
- You were pretty...

- You were pretty fucking down.
- Well, I wasn't bleeding from my shins

nor did I have my own urine
in Gatorade bottles.

So I think you're doing
worse than I was doing.

Oh no. Johnny Appleseed
is dying.

He was loved by all,
even the animals.

Johnny Appleseed's dream
was to plant enough seeds

so no one would ever
have to be hungry again.

Kids got chops.
It's not too bad.

He'll always be remembered
for what great things he did.

Yeah.
Yeah, boy.

My son is main star
of the play.

His part is more important
than all the other children.

Woo! Good work!

- Look at our little guy there, huh?
- I know.

The tiniest pothead.

I gotta say, this feels
pretty goddamn good, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- What do you say?

Should we take the kids out for a
little celebratory pizza party?

Our family finally
reunited again.

It sounds so nice,
but, um, I can't.

Are you on a diet or something?

We can go get milkshakes
if you want to.

No, I can't.

I've been thinking
about this a lot.

And, um,
I gotta be honest with you.

I'm scared you're gonna
break my heart again.

I love you so much.

But we can't be together.

I'm moving to Santa Fe.

Santa Fe? What the fuck.
I mean, that's pretty far away.

I know but I got a new job.

I'm gonna be
the new branch manager.

Are you OK?

- You're breathing really heavy...
- Yeah, no. I know.

I'm just... practicing
relaxation exercises.

You know you can
come visit anytime.

You are so welcome to.

In the end, Kenny Powers
didn't get what he wanted,

but he got what he needed.

Here we are.

The pinnacle of success.

Our journey ends here, Stevie.
At the top.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

I'm feeling good as hell
about this, dog.

I feel like Lil Wayne
with this sizzurp.

It's crazy. I always thought
this moment would be joyous.

But instead of wonder,
I only feel isolation.

That's the pre-show
jitters, dog.

Them the butterflies.
You got this, Kenny.

That's the sickest
bastard in television.

What's up with this kung fu?

Just preparation, dog.

Listen, I wanna go over what
you're gonna say today, all right?

I thought that I could just
say whatever I wanted to.

- Just riff. Speak from the heart.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
I'm just gonna tell you

- what your heart is telling you to say.
- OK.

When you get out
and you see Guy Young,

I want you to crush him,
all right?

I want you to break him
like he's a teenage hymen.

That's not what we talked about, I
didn't think it was that kind of a show.

I thought this was like a feel good
thing, like therapeutic, dude.

- Like Ellen.
- No, no, no. It's nothing like Ellen.

Ellen's a lesbian. The idea
of the show is humiliation.

This is like reality TV.
Who'd be a star, right?

- Sure.
- Indulge me,

- for one moment. Please, Kenny.
- Yeah, sure.

Thank you, Kenny.
All right.

Jerome, come over here.

Jerome, you see that man
in the blue shirt there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? The fat one.

I want you to go up there,
get your fingers

and I want you to ram 'em
up his asshole.

You wanna learn about
television, yeah?

Go and do that.
Go on.

Look at this, Kenny.

- Hey!
- Hey, hey. Don't shove him.

Bully.

That's how you do it.

Well? You see?
They love me.

Because I humiliated
the fat man.

It's gonna be the same
with the audience today.

That fat man tonight
is Guy Young.

I want you to look
in that mirror now.

Would you say,
"I'm a bad man."?

- Just... just to say it into the mirror?
- Yeah.

I'm a bad man.

Say, "I'm a very bad man."

"I'm a very bad man."

You're a bad man.

You are, Kenny.

You see, once the audience
see who you are,

they will love you.

You go out and
you kill Guy Young.

You kill him.
All right?

Got it.

Let's go. Come on.
You had fun. You're having fun.

Stevie, what do you
think about that?

Champion. Thank you
so much for doing this.

You're a good friend.
And an even better man.

No problem, Guy.

I love you.

I love you too.

I'll see you out there, buddy.

So, April, Santa Fe,
how exciting is that?

Just put your
broken marriage behind you.

- You know. Just do one of these.
- In time.

You know, you should try online dating.

- Dixie, I'm not ready to date.
- Are you sure?

- Positive.
- Not getting any younger.

You're just getting older.

Gene, please turn off the TV.

OK? You can go one day
without watching television.

No TV, how am I
supposed to drown you out?

- I'm sorry. What's that, honey?
- Huh?

And now it's time

for the Powers Hour.

Hello and how are you, America?

Welcome to Powers Hour.

I'm your host, Kenneth Powers,
and I'm here today

to give you straight talk.

Oh, oh. It's starting.

Powers Hour will be unlike
any other show on daytime talk.

Because we're gonna give it to you real
and we're gonna give it to you hard.

Guys, we have coasters
for a reason.

That's right, you'll be
getting it real hard.

- Turn it off, Gene.
- Charlotte.

Come on, Dixie.
We're watching this.

No. We're not watching this.
'Cause I said to turn it off.

OK? We wanna socialize.

Gene, one,

- two, two and a half...
- Oh. You know what?

You want the remote?
You want it?

I'm gonna stick it up my ass,
all right?

And then you can come up there
and dig it out yourself.

Well, guess what, genius, look.

Now you're not watching Kenny,
OK?

Oh yeah, well I'll just turn it on
by squeezing my fucking ass cheeks.

Now piss off, Dixie!
Goddamn it!

- We'll talk later.
- Oh, "we'll talk later."

You will anyway and I'll just zone
out and act like I give a shit.

Now sit on it. Idiot.

Now today's show
is all about second chances.

Later on in the episode we have the
results of some exciting paternity tests

which are gonna give some young men
a second chance at responsibility.

This is gonna be a big hit.

Now folks, I'd like to
introduce a very special guest.

Now this man at one point
was loved and admired by all.

But now he's universally hated.

Ladies and gentleman,
please put your hands together

for Guy Young.

Eat a dick.

How does it feel to hear
people booing you like that?

- It's hard.
- These people look at you

and they think
very negative of you.

- Yeah.
- They don't like you.

- Yeah, I get that.
- Because of the things you said.

- Yes.
- That's why you're here today,

you want to apologize
for what you said.

Thank goodness your show exists,
because, um...

Well, Guy, guess what?

That's not gonna happen.

You just walked into an ambush,
old friend.

Boom!

Because people here don't give
a shit about second chances, no.

What they'd rather see, you
humiliated on national television.

But that's not what I want.

- And I say fuck what these people want.
- What?

I made a lot of mistakes
on my return to superstardom.

- Kenny...
- I screwed a lot of pooches.

I fucked a lot of folks.

I labored for
far too long for lesser men.

I used my god given abilities

to destroy men's lives.

I betrayed good people.

I ruthlessly stepped upon
the week and the strong.

I turned them into my slaves.

- Come on...
- Even the fiercest of warriors

is nothing to me.

Powerless.

I was absolutely terrible
to everybody in my fucking life,

including everyone
I worked with.

Everyone I lived with,
my friends, my family.

I was horrendous.

And why did I do these f***in
things you ask?

Well, it's simple, really.

I thought that fame,
fortune and success

was the only way
I would ever be happy.

And I've paid a steep price
for this train of thinking.

I've lost the only woman
I ever loved.

And the only woman
who ever loved me.

So from this moment forward,

the vicious dragon
that was Kenny Powers

will retreat back to his cave.

Back to hibernation.

Until the next foolish knight
awakens his wrath.

- When... When do I get to make my apology?
- Hmm?

Do... do I get to
make my apology now?

Yep. It's all yours, buddy.

Fucking duck's clit!

First off, let me say,
I love black people.

Grab all the personal effects,
Stevie.

All the personal accoutrements,
please.

- Shane, go there.
- Kenny Powers, I'm fucking annoyed with you,

you pair of hedgehog tits!

You upset a little kid who's
very, very sick with herpes.

He was expecting to see
some American badass,

not some nancy boy...

- How's that for a badass?
- Oooh!

World Star! World Star!

Fuck you!

- Hey, little dudes.
- Hey, Daddy.

- Hey, Daddy.
- Look who's mastered the beast, huh?

Looks like you guys
are gonna be moving out west.

Those kids from the rez,
they're not gonna like you.

Many moons ago the white man
stole their land,

so they're instantly
gonna have a hatred for you.

As long as you keep Dakota by your side
and never show 'em an ounce of fear,

one day, you can
gain their respect.

OK, Daddy.

I hope to get out to see
you there sometime, you guys.

You know, Southwest airlines
has a hub in Albuquerque.

There's no first class
on that airline, obviously,

but they do have that
business select option.

You get the... coupons
for the premium drinks

and the priority access,
be the first on the plane.

Even offer the double rapid reward
points for your miles there.

Hopefully I'll stack up
a bunch of those...

...from all the times
I'll come out there and visit.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

I'm gonna miss you too.

Bring it in here.

Love you guys.

Love you too.

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey.

Surprised to see you're
taking so much of that

traditional modern shit we had.

Seems like it might kinda clash with the
Spanish style they rock there in Santa Fe.

- Mmm. - Might wanna think about
getting some Navajo rugs

or some ristras...

Kokopellis, the little
skinny dudes with the trumpets.

I guess we'll see
once we get there.

Yeah.

This is it.
The paper's are signed.

You and I are
officially divorced.

Thank you.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know. Stevie and I have
been cooking up a few things.

Now that I'm done with
the television industry,

it might be high time to finally
step into the feature film world.

- Mm.
- At least with movies it's not all about the money.

Well, I know you will succeed
at anything you try.

Hmm. Yeah, well...

We'll see.

Goodbye, April.

Goodbye, Kenny.

You know, April,

when I told you that I wasn't
happy with you and the kids,

that wasn't true.

I was never unhappy
with you guys.

I was unhappy with myself.

I just wanted to be a success.

It turns out I was a success
the whole entire time.

As a father, a husband.

A pretty goddamn
good one at that.

I just thought you should know.

- Kenny, stop.
- No, April, it's fine...

Oh. Just stop.

If you ask me, the secret to
success is to have a diverse portfolio.

Too much of any one thing
is fucking no bueno.

- - Of course, sometimes, balancing can be hard.

But all things worth having
are worth fighting for.

Kids, I can throw the ball
faster than fuck

and now I'm the most popular
teacher in this school.

Cutler, you're fucking out.

Big cans,
bring me them titties.

My life is ruined.

Sometimes hard work pays off.

Yay, Kenny.

And, cut!

- Pretty powerful.
- Perfect.

Check the fucking gate.

- That's you, son. You did it.
- That's me, Daddy.

- Whoa.
- I did it. I love you so much.

You're great too, yeah.

If a man
doesn't have a dream...

...well, guess what,
his soul begins to die.

So after you've
accomplished your dreams,

the best thing to do
is to come up with new dreams.

That way, as the years roll on,

as they will do,

you'll always look
to the future with hope.

But of course the future's sure to
hold it's fair share of miseries.

No.

All kinds of shitty sorrows.

I find solace in the fact
that from each sorrow

comes a little bit
of knowledge.

And with knowledge
comes wisdom.

- If you're lucky...

...you get
a second act in life.

- Come on, Daddy.
- Come on, Daddy.

But sooner or later,

death will come.

Unannounced, Old Man Reaper
comes to reclaim your soul.

All you can hope for is
that the people you love

will cherish the time
they spent with you.

In the end, you judge a man
by how he influenced the world.

You judge him by the seeds
he left behind.

And you judge his seeds
by the harvest.

But Kenny Powers' harvest
remains unknown,

but I'm pretty goddamn
proud of my seeds.

The end.

Cut to black.

Audience goes fucking ape shit.

It's perfect.

Hmph.

- Are you done yet?
- Hmm?

You have been in here
for hours.

Yep.
I'm finished.

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪