Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 7 - Chapter 28 - full transcript

Merry Christmas.

Some say change is the
hardest thing in the world.

Whoo.

They say that whoever you are,

you're stuck being
that person till you're dead.

The transformation
from worm to butterfly

is nature's ultimate
metamorphosis.

The change into
your ultimate self is easy

when there's no other option.

You look back at the past
at the man you were,

and you're like, "Man,
fuck that little bitch."



Fuck that bitchass life."

Then you peer
into the future's mist

and get just a glance
at the future you,

all strong and rich,
getting your fucking come up,

and you're like,
"Aw, hell yeah.

That's the motherfucking
man I'm becoming.

That's the fucking man
I wants to be."

'Cause a real man knows there's
only one direction to face...

...and that's fucking forward.

Woo. Goddamn

Don't hog the sneeze, bro.

- Let me in there.
- Get in there, motherfucker. Come on.

Oh...

Ugh. Disgusting, dude.
You got your chin in it.



- What? Ah, I'm sorry, man.
- Gross.

I'm still trying to
figure out these dimensions.

That is a pretty bold chin.

Better be bold. Cost me 50
g's for this motherfucker.

Speaking of g's,
I was wondering,

is there gonna be
a Christmas bonus this year?

- Christmas bonus?
- Yeah. I'm just saying,

between this chin
and Maria's titties,

I can't afford Christmas gifts
for my kids, unfortunately.

- You don't have any money to buy
your kids gifts? - Yeah, I miscalculated.

Man, you better chill with
that Bob Cratchit bullshit.

Don't be acting like you don't
get paid handsomely, all right?

That shit's gonna piss me off.

Don't trip.
I'm just asking. Geez.

Do I got any coke boogers
up my nose?

No. Do I got
any coke on my chin?

Yeah, dude. Your goddamn
whole thing's covered in it.

Looks like the fucking tip
of Mount Everest.

May I have everyone's attention please?
Gather 'round.

Get your dicks outta your hands.
Come on. Gather 'round.

Your new leader
has an announcement.

Da-da-da!
Make a path. Make a path.

Make a path.

Good day, everyone.

Ratings are in the shitter.

We all knew that Guy Young's racist
diatribe was gonna hurt us all.

But as your new leader,
I promise you

that I will turn this
fucking sinking ship around

with the help
of the Sesh Christmas Special.

Sound team, I'm gonna need
you guys to cut together

a symphony of farts.
I need it to be hilarious, OK?

Casting, I'd like you
to find me an array

of young beautiful
women to be my reindeer.

Wardrobes, I'd like you
to create some reindeer suits

- with the titties cut out.
- Hold on. What's all this shit?

Why we fucking with the formula?
Guy Young did it right.

He had us doing a silly little version
of "Twelve Days of Christmas".

- And that shit was dope.
- It was dope? Really? Guy Young?

He's a racist, Jimmy.

Being racist,
it's far from dope, dudes.

I defeated Guy Young.
So that makes me the H-N-I-C.

If anybody has
any problems with that,

well, you can direct your
inquiries to Billy and/or Trent.

Y'all wanna fuck with two dudes wearing
Wilsons Leather black fucking coats?

None of you wanna fuck
with this Wilsons Leather shit.

Great. Beautiful.

I can't wait to see
what we do together, all right?

This Christmas show's
gonna be spectacular.

Thank you for your time.
Get back to work, please.

Everyone, back to work!
Back to work!

There's nothing more
to see here!

You're on the clock.

Let's make this quick.
My client's a busy man.

OK. On behalf of Mrs. Powers,

I have outlined
a temporary arrangement

which gives April Powers access to half
of the assets of the family accounts.

- - On behalf of Mr. Powers,
we decline the arrangement.

Excuse me?

Jared, break 'em off something.
Tell 'em what's good.

Mrs. Powers is denied access to all
assets till a settlement has been reached

or the filing
has been withdrawn.

- Kenny, you took all the money
out of the joint account? - Nah, April.

Jared did.
Motherfucker's cray.

- Can he do that?
- Mr. Powers is also sole title holder

- on the family vehicles.
- Nice work, Benjamin.

You better get used to walking,
muchacha.

Kenny, can I talk
to you outside?

Very well.

What's wrong, April?

Your little storybook divorce
getting all fucked up?

- This isn't fair, Kenny.
- Hmph. Oh, I know it's not fair.

My legal dream team is
long-dicking you up the butt.

I'll spend every penny I have
to win this divorce.

- Do you hear me?
- Can't we just be adults about this?

- Think about the kids, Kenny.
- Oh, I'm thinking about the kids.

I'm thinking about how I'm
gonna turn 'em against you.

Wait till Christmas. Then we'll see
who gets them the better presents.

I wanted to talk to you
about that.

I was thinking that you could
celebrate with them on the 23rd.

- The fucking 23rd?
- Yeah.

You selfish little trollop.

How dare you keep those children
from me on Christmas morn.

Those children
are gonna be devastated.

They are so upset
about so many things, Kenny.

They're upset about Dakota.
They keep talking about him.

I don't understand how he got
outta the garage, by the way.

Well, don't you be looking
at me all accusatory.

All right? I don't know how the fuck
he got outta the garage either.

- - Maybe he fucking used
an ancient Navajo

- fucking wolf warp.
- Kenny, please.

This is a nightmare right now.
There has to be a more simple way.

- There has to be.
- Well, I know a simple way.

- OK, what?
- Call it off, April.

Fucking let me come back to the
house and all this will go away.

You and I can just
call this shit a draw.

I can't.

I want out.

Very well then.

I want you to remember
that this is what you wanted.

Remember it...
when I beat you.

Merry Chri-ma.

Going through a divorce
is the shit, dude.

- Hey.
- Aw, yeah.

Hey, lady.

I'm seeing
a lot of looks out here.

- Ooh, look at her.
- Kristi Yamaguchi?

Nah.
Kristi Yama-gonna-fuck-you.

Ooh, yeah.

I gotta tell you, man, if I can win
Christmas, April's gonna be fucked.

- So what's the move, dog?
- Oh, I'll tell you the move.

I found out all the presents April's
getting the kids for Christmas,

- I'm gonna get the same exact
ones. Fuck her shit all up. -

Hope you saved them receipts, April. 'Cause
you taking that shit back to the store.

That bitch is gonna
feel dumb as hell, dog.

Goddamn, dude. Stop calling her a bitch, all right?
Technically we're still married.

I mean, I don't call
your wife a bitch.

OK. I have called her
a bitch before, but...

Yeah, April's different.
She's a white person.

Must be nice, you know,

being able to buy your kids
everything they want for Christmas.

Or... or just
anything at all, really.

- It is.
- You know, I was thinking,

since we won't be opening
gifts Christmas morning,

I'll have some extra time and maybe you
could let me read your screenplay.

Look, Stevie, I appreciate the fact that
you are interested in my life's story,

but you're not reading it,
all right?

You think Tom Cruise or
Vin Diesel goes around

letting just any Tom, Dick or Jay Leno
read their fucking screenplays? No.

They don't.
Chin up, Stevie.

I'm sure you'll
figure out something.

Get it? Chin up.

'Cause you got a new chin.

Good morning, sir.

What the hell are you two doing
loitering in this fancy hotel?

Uh, well, actually we came because
we're really worried about you, Kenny.

We know that you're going
through a rough patch

and just don't want
you to harm yourself.

What the hell do you
think I'm gonna do?

Put a gun in my mouth?
Give me a fucking break.

I ain't going through
a rough patch, Cassie.

What we got going on here?

One, two, three, four, five,
six, infinity and beyond.

That's right.
Still fucking rich as hell.

Still on TV.

Still living in the fucking
presidential suite

in the middle
of downtown Charlotte.

I'd say shit's
going pretty good.

I meant with your marriage.

I would really like it if you would
come spend Christmas with us, Kenny.

Um, I thought it might be fun to
go caroling together as a family.

You can fucking catch me dead before
I goddamn go caroling, all right?

That shit's for Christians
and retards.

You've got lonely eyes, Kenny.
I can see it.

Not lonely. Just went on
a fucking coke binge last night.

- I'm tired.
- OK.

While little Jack Horner
over there's

sitting in the corner
being a bitch.

You're not making
much of an effort, Dustin.

- I'm here, ain't I?
- Isn't it funny?

This played out exactly
how I said it would.

You're gonna change your heart.
You're gonna wanna come back to me

and by that time I'm gonna be rich and
famous, you little Christmas star fucker.

See? What'd I tell you.
Rich or poor, Kenny,

you're still an asshole.

Whatevs.

Merry fucking Christmas,
Cassie.

Merry fucking Christmas.

OK, everybody. We're going
to do a half speed rehearsal

with the necessary adjustments.
You've been fucking up all day.

And you're not that pretty.
You are not that pretty.

- So you need to dance harder.
- Hey yo.

- Why we gotta sit way the fuck back here?
- And cue the music.

Aw, yeah. Y'all know what it is.

It's time for another
Sports Sesh.

And now, your host,
Kenny Powers.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

OK, that's not obviously far enough.

The fucking X
marks the spot, people.

What the fuck? Can't I get anybody
who can do simple fucking wire work?

Jesus Christ!

Stage craft, people.
Come on.

Back to one.
We're doing it again.

- Back to one, people. Back to one.
- Jesus.

Hey, Kenny, Kenny. Let me
holla at you for a minute.

Jimmy, what the fuck do you want? Don't
you see I'm up here floating like a god?

Come on. Shit ain't
gotta be that complicated.

Yo, why can't we just have our
families on like we normally do?

Because, Jimmy.
It's the 21st century.

Everyone doesn't have
fucking families, OK?

No more suggestions from you.

- Come on, let's do this.
- Yo, fuck you, man.

Don't do that. Don't
talk down to me like that.

Are you challenging me? Are you
motherfucking challenging me?

I'm trying to talk to you
like a man, fool.

Who the fuck you calling
a fool, huh? Me?

You know what?
Fuck this shit. I'm out, man.

I quit this motherfucker.
Fuck you.

- Give me your parking pass.
- Man, fuck you.

Give me your parking pass right
now, it's for employees only.

- Goddamn it!
- Fuck you.

- I need your parking pass...
- I have never worked

with a group of people
so unprofessional before.

- In all my years of stage work...
- Kenny, man.

You know, maybe you should
take some time off, man.

Work on your marriage
and stuff.

No. Hey, don't fucking
get involved

in my personal business, all right?
Get back in line!

Know your place, Rodney.
You little bitch.

You know what?
Fuck you, man.

- I quit.
- Rodney, you can't quit. Come on, man!

This is the Christmas show,
man. What the fuck?

You can't quit
on the Christmas show.

- You give me your parking pass.
- Rodney, get back here!

I need your parking pass.
Employees only.

Aw yeah. You guys are kicking
ass opening up these presents.

Must be because you're so loose and
limber from that massage, huh?

Little helper, why don't you bring
your little ass on over here

and bring Shayna
another gift, please?

Thank you very much.
All right, Shayna.

I guarantee you Mom will not get you
anything as fancy as this shit.

Woo. Look at that, huh?
That's from Tiffany's.

That's the fucking jazz age
glamour collection.

Look into little helper's
video camera

and say, "I love Daddy
more than Mommy."

- I love you more than Mom.
- Yeah, that felt real.

Fucking, stop trying to François
Truffaut this bullshit, motherfucker.

You ain't in the DGA. Just
zoom in and shut the fuck up.

Toby, what's up with you?
Toby-Tobs.

- You digging that Rolex, huh?
- Yeah.

You don't seem too impressed.

That shit was $6,000, son.

That's rose gold.

- I was hoping you would find Dakota.
- Dakota?

You said we would have anything
we wanted and that's Dakota.

Y'all are gonna sit here
and cry about a wolf?

When I got Nobu
catering this shit?

Seared ahi tuna,
wagyu beef tacos.

I hired a goddamn dwarf.

But why did he leave?

Well... I don't know. I don't
understand the ways of the wolf.

I just... Maybe he had
other cool stuff he had to do.

You know?
He could be tied down.

Maybe he's got big dreams.
Maybe he's meant to be a star.

Did he leave
'cause he hated us?

Nah, Toby. No.
He doesn't hate you.

He loves you guys.

Little helper, you're fucking
freaking my kids out.

Get the fuck out of here.
Come on. Go.

Go.
Get the fuck out of here.

- Merry fucking Christmas.
- Hey!

You want me to crack you
in your face?

I'll smash your fucking teeth in.
Merry Christmas, motherfucker.

Children. This way.

Quickly, quickly.
Come on. This way.

Hey, Kenny.
What are you doing here?

Hey, mind your own business,
all right?

Don't start any trouble, Kenny.
Come on.

Hey! Don't get live with me,
Gene. I know kenpo.

- Back in your house.
- What is going on out here?

Kenny! Why are the kids
wearing veils?

Because, April, I'm a celebrity. I'm trying
to protect their identity from the paparazzi.

- Did you guys have fun?
- Yeah!

Yeah, you bet your ass
they had fun.

I got 'em every single thing
on their Christmas list,

so good luck finding 'em
something they're gonna like.

- That's so great.
- Yeah. I know it's great.

Toby, would you please
take your sister inside.

I wanna talk
to Daddy alone. Thank you.

- Love you guys.
- Love you.

Here. It's something
I found at Marshalls.

It reminded me of, um, you.

Hmm.
I didn't get you anything.

I mean, I just figured that the whole
tradition of buying each other presents

was flushed down the toilet
like our marriage vows.

You know I hate fighting
with you.

Oh, I can imagine. I wouldn't
wanna fight with me either.

I mean, let's see.
I whooped your ass at Christmas,

and I'm whooping your ass
in this divorce.

Just admit I beat you
and then I'll come right back.

Why do you wanna come back?

You were miserable.

Maybe this is for the best.

To be... just not...

I mean,
just not being together?

Yeah, well, I mean,

you're pretty much driving
this train so...

If you're happy in which the
direction the train is traveling.

'Cause I already have said...
said things about me being happy

so kinda seems like you're
the one who's, you know...

Whatever. I'm not gonna argue over this shit now.
It's Christmas time.

Feliz Navidad, April.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck.

Goddamn it.

This place is hemorrhaging cash,
Stevie.

I'm going through
a divorce right now, man.

I can't afford to be
wasting money on this shit.

Just be patient, OK? Give Maria's
tits some time to work their magic.

Only magic trick they're doing is
making my goddamn money disappear.

It's time to cut our losses.

- Girls, ladies, attentions.
- Wha...?

Tits ladies. I am officially
closing Taters 'N' Tits.

Please return your uniforms
to the appropriate offices.

And you won't be getting paid
for today, I'm sorry.

- You didn't finish your complete workload.
- Kenny, I need this.

I am flat broke right now.

This is the only chance I have to
give my family a good Christmas.

The only one so please
keep it open. Please!

Man, shut up about this money shit.
Don't blame me 'cause you went

and Frankensteined your whole
face and blew your fucking money

- on Maria's titties.
- I have done everything for you.

I'm broke as shit
and you don't even care.

You couldn't care less
about me.

You didn't even let me
read your screenplay

and I thought I was
your best friend.

Oh, don't get your fucking
panties in a bunch, Stevie.

I got lots of friends.
So get in line.

You said that this
would make us rich.

You said that this would change
our lives for the better

and we just ended up
making our lives worse.

Speak for yourself. I'm completely
happy with how my life is...

You lost your fucking family!
What are you, a fucking retard?

Are you a fucking
clueless idiot?

I should've never
listened to you, man.

I used to think you were cool. I
used to think you were a rock star.

- Now look at you.
- Oh, look at me?

Look at you, you look like
a fucking monster!

Well, at least I'm not
the fucking Grinch!

I am at the darkest point
in my life

and it's all your fault.
And you know what?

I quit. Fuck you!

You clean those fixins up right now!

You're a big boy. From now on, you
gotta clean up your own fixins.

Let's get outta here.

If you leave right now,
Stevie, I swear to God,

this is it between me and you.

Well, suck my dick!

What the fuck
are you looking at?!

Aw, yeah.
Y'all know what it is.

It's a Sports Sesh Christmas

with Kenny Powers!

Woo-hoo-hoo!
Ho-ho-ho!

Oh yeah!
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Hooo!

Give it up!
Wonderful job, ladies.

Wonderful! Lot of hot-ass
elves in the house tonight, huh?

Woo-hoo! Go tuck yourselves in
underneath that Christmas tree, girls.

Guess what, kids? I came all the way
from the South-motherfucking-Pole

to teach you all about the
spirit of Christmas, huh.

Hot damn.

Goddamn it. Fucking A, effects.

Goddamn. Feel like I'm in a damn
head and shoulders commercial, man.

Kill the fucking snow.

Come on! Cut it off!
Shit.

Cheap-ass production design.

Crock of shit.
But then again,

Christmas is pretty much
a crock of shit, is it not?

Buying expensive ass presents,

trying to outdo each other.

You can buy fucking millions of
expensive presents for your kids,

and what will they do?
They'll focus on

the one goddamn thing
you didn't get them.

You could be a perfect husband for years, years.

Doing every fucking thing they ask you to
do and then all of the sudden one day,

your wife wakes up and decides,

"Hey, I don't wanna be
married to this dude anymore

so I'm gonna divorce him."

And now suddenly
you're the bad guy.

That's how it goes.
Woo-hoo!

Thank you, Santa Claus.
You fucking dick licker.

Oh, you don't want me to badmouth Christmas?

Well, how about this?
Christmas can suck this dick!

Fuck Christmas!

No, don't boo me.

Oh, you guys like Christmas?
You like Christmas that much?

Fuck goddamn Christmas!

...fucking...stupid ass...

Fuck Christmas!

Christmas can suck my dick!

Fuck Christmas!

Do you hear me?!
Suck my dick, Christmas!

Fuck you!

- Ugh, gross.
- Stevie's missing.

So. Ain't my problem.

That motherfucker quit
backslash was fired.

No, no... He-he...
he always call. Always.

You know any reason why
he wouldn't come home?

No. No, Kenny.
No reason.

You sure? I mean, I saw
the way y'all treated his ass.

None of you guys respected him
or appreciated him

till he started
buying y'all shit.

Fucking money-grubbers.

All y'all are guilty of it.

I'm scared.

Well, don't start crying.
Hold on to your fucking tits.

Let me get my boots.

Well, this is the last place
he used his credit card.

That's his car.

Yes, it is.
I should warn you.

Men only come to these places
to get their fuckey fuckey on.

- Stevie, you inside?
- Go away!

Stevie, don't you fucking sass us.
Open up this door right now.

Very well.
Have it your way, Steven.

- Fucking... Break yourself...!
- Stay back!

- Stay back!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- He's holding himself hostage.
- I'm sorry, Maria.

- Please, Stevie...
- And I'm sorry, Kenny.

- I'm sorry you had to watch this.
- No, Stevie.

Don't be sorry, all right?
Just don't show us any

goddamn Faces of Death
shit right now.

- No one here wants to see that.
- Stay away.

- Don't do it! Please.
- Why?

- I'm a fucking loser.
- You are my loser. Mine.

I can't even fuck you
unless I'm wearing fancy pants.

My dick. My dick
is a little bitch.

I don't care.
You eat my pussy so good.

Listen to her, man! You eat pussy so good.

I can't even afford to buy
my family Christmas presents.

We don't care about
the presents.

All we want is you.

Please, Stevie...

...I love you.

I love you too.

What am I doing?

This is stupid.

I can't kill myself because I can't
get my kids Christmas gifts.

That's not the meaning
of Christmas.

No, motherfucker. This isn't
what Christmas is about.

- This is not the real meaning of Christmas.
- No, fuck no, it's not.

The real meaning of Chr...

Holy shit!
He blew his fucking chin off!

Stevie!

Maria! Get me a fucking towel.
Something to stop the bleeding.

Stevie, remain calm. Don't move.
Don't raise your blood pressure.

I'm losing blood!
I'm losing a lot of blood!

You're gonna be OK, man. You just
blew your stupid fucking chin off.

Kenny, you said I wasn't a good enough
friend to read your screenplay.

I'm sorry, Stevie. I've been saying a whole
lot of stuff lately that I don't mean.

- You are a good friend.
- Am I a better friend than Shane?

You are a good friend, Stevie.

- Better than Shane?
- Maria, hurry up!

Save your energy, all right?
You're losing a lot of blood.

- I got chin. I got chin!
- You got chin.

- Ohh. Oh.
- She got your chin, bud.

OK.

- Does it fit?
- Stevie...

- Do I look good?
- Yeah, you look great.

- Do I look good?
- You look great.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm crazy.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Shh. Shhh.

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

- ♪ Round yon virgins

- ♪ Mothers and childs...
- Kenny!

Good evening,
Cassie and Dustin.

Does the invitation
still stand?

Of course it does.
We're really happy to see you

but do you want me
to call you an ambulance?

No, no, no.
No special treatment.

I just wanna carol
with all you normal people.

- ♪ Silent night
- Kenny.

Little faster maybe.

- ♪ Hol...
- Kenny, you're spooking the neighbors.

Let's get you inside.

- Kenny...
- I'm spooking them?

It's all right, everyone.
This isn't my blood.

It's someone else's.

Come on, Kenny.
Come on.

Thank you, Dustin.

You know I don't like
you seeing this weak side of me.

I know you look up to me even
though I'm your younger brother.

Truth be told, I look up
to you sometimes too.

Just a normal, not famous
boring-ass family man.

And everybody's cool with it.

Nobody expects anything more.

It's like they love you
for being nothing.

You're very lucky
not to be respected.

Thanks...

I think.

I'm... I'm sorry I haven't been
such a good brother lately.

Just that, when I
thought you died it was...

It was like
a piece of me died too.

I didn't know you were sad too.

Of course I was, Kenny.
You're family.

Everybody needs family.

Not people in the
entertainment industry.

Everybody needs family.

When the chips are down,
family's there for you.

Whether you deserve it or not.

Well, you better get some sleep.
Tomorrow's Christmas.

- Dustin...
- Yeah.

Does this mean
we're brothers again?

Merry Christmas, brother.

Goodnight, brother.

Dakota!

Dakota!

What the hell's he doing?

...Honey, can you put
some coffee on?

Oh shit.

You're awake.

- Sorry.
- Dustin, who is that?

I think uncle Kenny
gave him to us.

Fame, fortune,
power, titties...

People say these are the most
crucial things in life.

I'm sorry I couldn't
get you any gifts this year.

So I wrote down
on these slips of paper

all the wonderful things
I'd get you

if we had the money.

But you can have a pocket full of gold

and it doesn't mean shit

if you don't have someone
to share that gold with.

Kids, it's Christmas!

Kenny Claus.

Seems simple. Yet it's
an important lesson to learn.

Toby, what did you get?

This!

A play...?

Even lone wolves
run in packs sometimes.

Guys, come here.
Come look.

Come see!

- Look who it is! Yes!
- Dakota!

- Yes!
- Hi, Dakota.

Hi, Dakota.

Merry Christmas,
Dakota. This is so fun.