Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Chapter 27 - full transcript

Season 4, Episode 06
"Chapter 27"

All right, stop right there.
Let's roll that back.

That one bit.

I think it's time
to stop monkeying around.

Kenny's cutting in.

No, that's all right, Ken. We're
good over here. We're cool.

- We're good. Sit back down.
- Cutting in.

Oh. Guy, let me take this.

If there's one thing I know,

it's monkey business.

Clarence, can you come in here?
I'd love to show you something.



Take a break, Alan.

I... I just wanna get some
fresh eyes on it.

Clarence,
I want you to watch this.

Tell me what you think.

Oh yeah. Is that right?

Do you have a special relationship
with monkeys, do you?

Well, you know I got
people in Atlanta.

And they all love Skittles, red...

- You think that bit's funny?
- Well, the audience seems to like it.

Yeah. What... What is it
about him that's funny?

He's one of them stupid
white people that just say anything

and they do anything
and they just funny.

How are the grandkids?

Well, thank you for asking,
Mr. Young.



- They're doing great.
- Oh, good, good.

- Can you send them a message for me?
- Sure.

Yeah. Can you tell them that grandpa
has a terrible sense of humor

and that he laughs at the
stupidest fucking shit ever.

And that's why there
won't be any gifts

underneath the Christmas tree this
year from Grandpa.

I don't understand.
What are you talking about?

- You don't understand?
- No.

You're fired!
Get the fuck outta here.

You're crazy.

Oh! A soccer ball.

What a nice gift from
Aunt April and Uncle Kenny.

Feliz cumpleaños,
you little motherfucker.

He really loves
this gift, Kenny.

He's going to enjoy it a lot.
Thank you so much...

It-it... it's cool. It's fine. We get it.
He likes it. That's great.

Who wants so more nachos? Hey, kids.
Y'all want some nachos?

No. I don't think they want any more
nachos. I think they're really tired.

And I gotta be honest,
I got a headache.

- Oh, a headache, huh?
- Yeah.

Oh, isn't that convenient.
Huh.

I don't really know what you have
to be so unhappy about, April.

You got beautiful children,
a wealthy husband, loving friends.

We don't have any friends,
you see?

You've driven everybody away.

What's Stevie's family,
chopped liver?

They might not be hipsters
like Gene and Dixie,

but that doesn't make them
less of people, all right?

- I'ma throw you a Hail Mary right now.
- Uh-huh.

If there's anything that can turn
your mood around, maybe it's this.

My good friend, blackie, would like
to take you anywhere you wanna go.

Wash away your worries
and go hang out with blackie.

Let me tell you something. I don't
give a shit about the money.

If you do not help with this
marriage and wanna work on it,

and give the best effort possible, then
we're gonna have to look at other options.

- Other options?
- Yeah.

Hmm. What would those
be, maybe divorce?

- No. That's not what I want.
- No, no.

That seems like what you're hinting at.
So let's walk that one through.

So we get divorced,
I split.

And then we get another
jackoff to come in here

and support the whole entire family
like I do. That sounds great.

How about this roller-skating
nerd right here?

Welcome to Jellybeans.
Can I... take your trash?

I think we're good with
all the trash here right now.

I have a simple question
for you though.

Would you like to marry my wife
and fund her fancy-ass lifestyle?

We're just having
a conversation.

- You can...
- We're all good.

- Thank you.
- So we're good?

We're good then, huh?

Divorce is for losers, April.
We're not losers.

This is a wonderful day.

Toby, can I holler
at you for a moment?

Get your opinion
on something?

Mmm. Yeah.

I know we both love Mommy.
She's cool, right?

You notice anything
weird about her lately?

She's kinda acting like,
a little crazy.

Like, maybe like, mentally ill.
I don't know.

Maybe it's not
a chemical thing.

I hate to say it but...
maybe she just sucks.

I mean, maybe I just married
somebody who sucks.

Honestly, I'm just getting sick and
tired of all the damn head games, man.

Just... the withholdings
of affection.

Them skin-colored panties she has with
the skidmarks with the busting elastic.

I mean, that's like a
middle finger to my libido.

- You know what libido is?
- No.

It's like these little beans
inside of you that make you horny.

These ladies
can't push the men around.

We've gotta be number one
in the house, you understand me?

Yep.

Oh, I feel you, Dakota.

Wild animal stuck
in the chains of suburbia.

Huh. Reminds me of me.

That's what's so badass
about pro wrestling.

I mean, it's the only sport where
there's no official uniform.

I mean, you can come in with
jean shorts and be like,

"That's part of my character."

Whoa. I'm sounding the boring
alarm. Guy's tossing it up.

"Guy's tossing it up," what's that?

That's something I'm saying now.
It's my new catchphrase.

Let's move on before this
guy puts us all to sleep.

We have a very special guest
for you today.

She would never stab me
in the back.

And most of all, she's
the funniest chick I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for a true wild card,

tennis great, Candi Cox.

Ha-ha.

Candi Cox.
There she is.

A-ha-ha-ha.

Holla!

- Holla!
- What's up, girl?

Candi Cox in the hiz-ouse!

- Twerk it. Twerk it. Twerk it.
- Twerk it. Twerk it.

That's inappropriate.

Ha-ha. What's up, girl?

- Good to see you.
- Hey.

- Queen of the clay, right?
- Oh, I'm a huge fan of yours.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. Well, we're all big fans of yours.

You're a beautiful lady
and an even better talent.

I mean, what an athlete. Candi,
I don't know if you've ever met Kenny.

- Kenny, Candi.
- Of course. Kenny Powers, right?

Yeah. You're damn right.

Yeah, I have a friend in San Francisco,
used to date you.

That's no big surprise. I tore
through my fair share of ladies

when I did my time
in San Fran.

- Yeah. Except it was a dude.
- Oh! Oh!

He said you was a twink man.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Hey, Kenny. Were you
with a twink man?

- What is it, twink man?
- No. No.

I don't like young and
handsome dudes, all right.

- You like 'em a little older?
- No. No, I don't like any.

Everyone settle down.
I know what Candi's problem is.

Candi's on her period.

I mean, I see all these
house flies buzzing around.

I'm thinking they can smell
those eggs bleeding out your pussy.

- Whoa!
- Whoa, man. No, no, no, no. No, no.

- Kenny, have some respect, man.
- Ovulation is nature's only miracle.

I can't talk about that?

Kenny, you don't talk about
a lady's menstrual cycle.

- I don't think it's fair.
- Kenny, knock it off.

- You're digging a ditch.
- Not fair.

I'd like to apologize to everybody
out there in the audience.

- We'll be right back.
- Not me.

OK? We're gonna wash
Kenny's mouth out with soap.

Not me. Not apologizing.
No, you're not.

And when we get back,
we'll continue the show.

- Very uncool.
- And we're clear.

What the fuck is this?

- Oh, man.
- Kenny Powers is going 10-1.

- Fucking cock gobbler.
- Hey.

We don't make fun of
homosexuals on this show.

That's rule one, OK? Gays are
the new blacks. Get with it.

- When's your next tournament.
- September.

- September? All right.
- Yeah.

Come on, you motherfucker.

Don't be rattled.
Man, you got this shit.

Candi Cox. Of course
they're laughing.

They're just being
fucking kind to her ass.

Coming out here twerking.

Fucking that broad comedy.
Fuck that bitch.

- You got the cock, bro.

You're the one
with the cock.

Use the fucking cock.

You fucking go out there.
You be confident, man.

The audience is loving your fucking vibe,
bro. Just fucking harness that.

Just fucking radiate coolness.

Fucking comedy.
Sexual energy. Masculinity.

You are handsome.
You are loved. You are strong.

Mm-hmm.

What the hell's so funny?

Candi Cox telling more
of her stupid jokes?

I guess they're just digging
your vibe, you know.

They're impressed with how
strong and powerful you are.

OK, we're live in five

- Four, three...
- Hot mic, champ.

Hot mic.

Aw, yeah.
Look at them titties, girl.

Ohh, I love how big they are.
They're like two big potatoes.

- Two big old potatoes. Perfect.
- Stevie, what the fuck is this shit?

Oh, yo, dog. Check it.

I got Maria selling baked
potatoes like nobody's business.

What did I tell you, man? I said
the only girls who can work here

gotta be hot
chicks, man.

Yeah, but you didn't
specify which hot chicks.

And I gotta pay for
Maria's new boob job...

...somehow.

Maria got a boob job,
I didn't even notice.

I don't look at her
in a sexual manner. Ever.

Show him. Show him.

Make Daddy proud.

Impressive. Actually, not bad.

Kinda evens you out
a little bit. OK...

There's a lot of children
walking around Rack Room Shoes.

Check it.
I got Maria working for us,

with those titties. Pimp style.
This is what pimps do.

Well, they better work.

I'm starting to second guess
this whole entire kiosk.

Yeah. Guy Young has me
in his cross hairs.

Trying to Dontel my ass.

Kenny, I thought you said
you couldn't lose.

I thought you had this on lockdown.
I need this gig.

- Ow!
- You don't think I need this?

I invested 5.7 thousand dollars
into this kiosk.

Fuck, Kenny. I know, I know.
I just...

My mind's everywhere.
How can I be a CEO

when I'm fighting two goddamn
battles on different fronts.

At home my marriage
is shitting the bed

and at work I'm dealing
with a military coup.

If we don't act fast,
Guy Young

is gonna burn everything
we love to the ground.

OK. OK, OK.
This is what we do.

Let me take care
of Guy Young.

And you, you deal with your
fucked up marriage at home.

I will personally
neutralize his ass.

- Can I trust you with this?
- Oh yeah.

I'm gonna skin him alive and
make a lamp out of his skin.

All right, Hannibal Lecter.
Settle down, all right.

We don't start with that, all right?
That's a last resort.

At this point, I think we just
need to send him a message.

Plain and simple.

Nobody messes with me.
Nobody messes with you.

And nobody...
messes with Maria's titties.

Is she gonna work today or is she gonna
just sit there and eat fucking papas?

Yeah.
No, she's working.

♪ I doo-doo-doo what to do

♪ Next time I fall

♪ In love

♪ The next time I fall

- ♪ In love

♪ Next time I fall...

Dixie.

I know it's very odd that
I'd be asking you for advice

when your life's in
fucking utter ruins.

But you're my last resort.

When's the first time
you realized

that your marriage was...

up shit creek
without a paddle.

Well, when you
revealed to me

that my husband was unfaithful
and addicted to drugs.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Course.

But before that. Like, were there
any, like, signs or anything?

No. Honestly,
there wasn't one.

That was the weirdest part.

Why do you ask?

It's April.

Yep. She's being
fucking super crazy.

Talking about how she's unhappy
and wanting to seek other options

Oh my God.

Settle down. Don't get
all horny over my debacles.

No. I'm not. I'm just...
What on earth happened?

You guys were so
good together.

I don't know. That's what
I'm coming to you for.

You're her friend.
What's she saying?

You know. Is she
going through menopause?

She losing her memories?

Did a fucked up evil version
of her from the future come

and fucking try
to ruin my shit?

No. Nothing.
I mean,

everybody thought that
you were gonna dump her.

What the fuck?
Who... Who's everyone?

You know, the group.

You were just always gone,
married to your job.

I think everybody
just assumed that

you were maybe moving on
to a younger girl.

Jesus Christ! I mean, yes, of
course, I could do those things.

But I choose not to.
I'm a good Christian white man.

- Ugh. Sickening.
- I can't believe she's leaving you.

Hold your role, she ain't
leaving me, all right?

I'm bout to nip this shit
in the butt.

Kenny Powers is not getting
a fucking divorce.

I just gotta remind April
how dope her fucking life is.

I know we've had our
differences in the past,

but I may need your assistance
in the days to come.

- I can't lose my wife.
- Sure. I'll do what I can, Kenny.

No... OK, yeah. That's
what I'm asking you for.

You know, this is
actually nice, us chatting.

It's been hard since
Gene's been gone.

- You know, for me, it's been a lot of...
- Shhh.

Don't run your mouth too much.
It's not attractive.

This is about me right now.

I got big problems going on.

Oh, and, Dixie-noodles.

There's one more thing
you should know.

Gene never...

He...

He never came
inside that woman.

After a few pumps,
he withdrew his penis

and he started smashing it

between the ring and the lid
of the toilet for penance.

He still loves you.

You should give him
a second shot.

Thanks for your help.

♪ Just a closer walk
with Thee ♪

♪ Grant it, Jesus,
if you please... ♪

This dude is the answer
to our Guy Young problem.

Look how ginormous he is.

Well, it's no doubt this
gentlemen has acromegalia.

I just wonder if he's gonna be
big enough for Guy Young.

Guy Young ain't no scrub.

Well,
this guy ain't no scrub.

He knows mixed martial arts,
professional wrestling.

Sports. All that stuff.

♪ I am weak,
but Thou art strong ♪

He does have
a beautiful voice.

♪ Jesus, keep me

- ♪ From all wrong

What we're primarily looking to
do here is send a message, OK?

Don't fuck him up too bad.

Stevie, does he know
what he's supposed to say?

Yeah. Say your line, Joel.

Hello, Guy Young.
I am a sports fans...

- That being said...
- That being said,

I would appreciate it if you would
give Kenny Powers more screen time.

And...

- Bit opportunities.
- Big opportunities.

Bit opportunities. Like comedic bits.
Like little riffs and stuff.

All right.

Practice that a bunch, man.
You gotta have that down.

Because if you don't
fucking deliver the message,

this whole thing's a waste, OK?

- OK.
- Once you deliver the message,

give it about five seconds.
Let it sink in.

And then...
dealers choice.

- Whatever you want, dog.
- When do I get that cash?

You'll get half up front
and half when the deal's done.

- How much did we agree to pay him?
- Twenty-thousand dollars.

Twenty-thousand dollars?!

- You're serious?
- What?

You negotiated fucking
twenty-thousand dollars

- for a basic Alabama beatdown?
- You... You said...

No! You're...
That's a fucking

1-8-7 price, man.
What the fuck's wrong with you?

I've never organized
a hit before.

- I don't...
- This isn't a fucking hit.

This isn't a fucking hit.
Don't say hit.

If you're gonna negotiate
like a dipshit,

you're gonna have to pay
the price.

Look, I'll pay you 75 bucks

and the difference is
coming out of your per diem.

- Out of my per diem?!
- Yep. That's what we're doing.

Oh! Look what the cat
dragged in.

It doesn't
have to be this way.

Well, this is
all your fault, man.

You were hungry and
I took you under my wing.

And then you bit the
underside of my fucking wing.

There's room on the show
for both of us.

A natural two-hander.

Two-hander my dick!
I gave you everything, Kenny.

And then you had
to challenge me.

Now you're going down,
motherfucker.

Hasn't enough blood
already been spilt?

- When does it end?
- It ends Friday.

I'm gonna finish you,
once and for all.

You motherfucker.

All right.
Let the best man win.

- I'll see you in hell!
- Fuck you!

I went to my
chin doctor, and it just...

He gave me these options.
It's such a difficult choice.

The chin is one of the foremost
things you see on a person's face.

OK. Here's an option.

The John Kerry.
What do you think?

- You don't like it.
- No.

No.
You don't like it all.

I saw that by the look
on your face.

Now this is the Aaron Eckhart

but it looks sort of more
like a butt chin, huh?

What about this?

- The John Travolta?
- Oh, someone's coming out.

Joel, you are on.

I'm gonna kill him.

Go get him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not
giving out autographs today, man.

Hello, Guy Young.
I am the fan of your show.

Being said, give Kenny Powers
all the scream times

- and big opportunities.
- Oh yeah.

Kenny Pow... What the fuck
are you talking about, man?

What?

Oh. Oh.

Look at me.
Look at me!

- Look at me.
- Oh no! Oh...

Oh. Oh my Go...

He saw me!
He saw me!

He's chasing us!
He's chasing us!

Woo, woo.

- Here she comes.
- Kenny?

Three, two, one...

Surprise!

Look at her.

She's like,
"What the fuck is this?"

No, but really,
what the fuck is this?

This, sweetheart,
is a celebration

to remind you
how awesome your life is

and how cool everything
is between you and I.

- You invited all these people?
- Yeah.

These are all your friends from the past.
Some from the future.

They're new friends
that you'll meet tonight.

Yeah. I put out a Facebook
invite e-chat thing.

There's that person. There's them.
I forgot their names.

Oh, and look
who else is here.

- Jamie. Even though he moved to Orlando
- Oh. Jamie.

I chartered a private
jet so he could be here.

He said not to
say nothing so... sorry.

- It's all right.
- Thanks for keeping the secret, James.

I appreciate it.

Hey. There's one more
little surprise.

Look who's back on the scene,
Mean Gene.

The old spaghetti night crew,
reunited once again.

Trying to rebuild their
foundation of marriage.

Marriage is an important thing,

- to work on, to keep at.
- Right.

- You never quit a marriage.
- Why is there a priest here?

Because after we have the April
flavored cherry cheesecake,

you and I... We're renewing
our vows, everyone.

- Aww.
- That's right. Yep.

In front of all these people.

- It's gonna be the shit.
- Baby, um...

This is...
This is too much right now.

This is great. Just enjoy yourself.

Oh. You hear that?

Sounds like another
mystery guest has arrived.

Let me go get that.
Have fun. Enjoy yourself.

Everybody, celebrate April.

April's party.

- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Kenny.

Mission fail, dude.
OK, we gotta bow down.

- There is no winning this one.
- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Joel.
He blew it.

We gave him
too much dialogue.

OK. Guy Young
beat the shit out of him.

You do realize the fucking
taping is tomorrow?

I know. I'm so sorry, Kenny.

I am so sorry.
What should we do?

What do you mean?
There's nothing we can do.

Guy's gonna castrate me
on the show tomorrow.

All because of you.

Is there a big party
going on in here?

Yes. I'm trying to
save my marriage.

- Why wasn't I invited?
- Because, Stevie,

you failed me.

But... that just
happened right now...

Everyone?
Everyone.

Can I get your attention,
please.

Everyone attentions, please.
Thank you.

Viv, shut up.
OK? Shut up.

Uhh, I just wanna thank you
all once again for coming out

to this special night
to celebrate my wife,

April Powers.

And right now, I want to do something
that's a little out of character for me.

Come on, baby doll. Come up here
and let's sing a duet together.

I don't wanna sing.

♪ Well, I've had the time
of my fucking life ♪

You recognize this song,
sweetheart? anna sing.

- I don't wanna sing.
- Come on, sweetheart. This is your part.

I know what you're doing.
It's so sweet.

I don't really wanna sing.
Nope. You're part's almost up.

Um. I don't wanna sing. I don't...
I don't want any of this.

Kenny, it feels like
she doesn't want to sing.

- So maybe we'll move on.
- OK, Dixie.

Wonderful to have
your opinion in this thing.

But she was talking to me
and so I heard what she said.

OK. You know what? Fine.
This is April's party.

Fuck it. She doesn't want to
fucking sing. Karaoke's done.

There we are.
No more karaoke, everybody.

I never asked
for this party.

Well, April, I'm trying
to make things better.

Kenny.
That's enough, Kenny.

Motherfucker, you wanna say something.
Motherfucker.

You remember what
this does right here?

You're gonna get that
outta my face.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, that is enough. Leave him alone.
You're acting crazy.

Oh, I'm acting crazy? Let's
clear the air, shall we?

Can we clear the air for a moment?
Guess what, Dixie?

Gene never cheated on you.
I lied about that

because I didn't want April
to know I was doing cocaine.

- True story.
- That's true. Thank you.

I nev... I told you,
I never slept with anybody.

Then we got
fucking Tel over here.

Goddamn Indian dude
pretending to be white.

How much goddamn chicken
tikka masala do you eat?

None. You're a disgrace, Tel.

- That's enough. That's enough.
- No. No, no. I'm not done, April.

- That's enough.
- I'm not done.

Because now I wanna turn
the spotlight onto you.

What can I do to make you happy now?
Let's try and see.

I can't invite your friends to a fucking
party 'cause that's not enough.

I can't sing a fucking song with
you 'cause that's not enough.

I can't buy fucking luxuries
and fancy cars

and expensive fur coats
and fine jewelry and chinas!

That's not enough either!

None of it's fucking enough!

What do you want?! Huh?

You want me to quit
my fucking job?!

Go back to being
your little bitch boy.

Well, it's not happening!

If anyone wants to take
my television job,

they'll have to do it
over my dead fucking body!

I think you need to leave.

- No. I'm the one who...
- No! You need to get out.

Get out.

May... Let's maybe we could
just take it down a notch.

- I'm done. I need you to go.
- There's people here from out of town.

Maybe everyone's saying some
stuff they don't really mean.

No! I'm done.

You don't mean this, April...

I want you to get out!

- Get the fuck out!
- Goddamn, woman.

Throwing fucking
mustard at me.

Oh! I can fucking
break shit too!

I'm done.

- Fine. You want me out of here?
- Yeah.

OK, I'm out.
Party's over.

I guess I'll have to find somebody new to
fall in love with who will appreciate these.

- Want some fucking rubies?
- Get the fuck out.

Some fucking emeralds?

Move. Get the fuck
out of the way.

Worst goddamn
"fix my marriage party" ever.

Dammit!

Goodbye, friend.

I'll talk to Kenny.
It's not gonna be a problem.

Oh, there he is.

All right. I'll take care of it.
Don't worry about it.

I got it. I got it, I got it.

Oh, KP. I think I ran into
one of your fans yesterday.

Or... my foot met his face.
Wha!

Look, man.

I just wanna apologize.

I know we're trapped in the midst
of this epic rivalry and...

I wanna extend my hand
in an offering of peace.

My family life
is crumbling.

My marriage is almost over. My... April
kicked me out of the house last night.

I just don't think I have
any more fight left in me.

You win, Guy.

Please, just...
Tell the network to let me stay.

We can do things
how they were before.

You'll be in charge.
I'll know my place.

And it can just be like
how it was before.

I just can't lose
this job, Guy.

This is all I have.
I'm hurting, man.

I'm just trying to level
with you as a friend.

Well...

KP.
I'm not your friend.

I never was, OK?
You're a fucking loser.

OK? And you're not fit
to be out on that stage.

You should be out there
with the... with the normies.

With the plebeians.
You know?

With the fucking redneck idiots
and the fucking stupid jiggaboos.

Clapping...

...'cause they
see bright lights.

They want greatness
but they can't achieve it

so they love
watching it.

That's who I am. OK?

I can shit in my hand and say,
"Hey, taste my shit... asshole."

Those fucking morons
will eat that shit gladly.

Chew it right up.
Remember this moment.

Because, I win.

I fucking win.
And, Kenny...

You're fucking out.

You're out.

You're fired.
And good luck to you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Guy Young in the house.

- How's everybody doing tonight?
- Fuck you, Guy!

You're an asshole, Guy Young.

No shit.

Hot mic, champ.

I'll be your jiggaboo.

Fuck you!

Man, that's bullshit.

I win.