Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 3 - Chapter 24 - full transcript
Kenny treats his family and friends to an overnight trip to the local waterpark. A day of good clean fun gives way to an evening of debauchery.
Perhaps it is high time
- My shit gets famous again.
- Oh.
I just need somebody
to give me a shot.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.
Okay. Let's go, buddy.
- I gave up fame for true love.
- No, no, no, no.
Love? I wanna see what
that stripper look like.
Oh, baby.
- Give me one more shot.
- Okay, don't blow it, Kenny.
I won't blow nothing.
- No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dontel.
Whoa!
You know what, Guy?
I'm out of this motherfucker.
Holy shit!
I killed it in there!
You were so awesome!
Your quips were
sensational, Kenny.
Ha! Yo, Tinseltown,
show-business better look out
because I'm coming for ya.
You were so great, baby.
You had so much control.
Hey, April, did your pussy
get wet in there?
I know if I had a pussy
it'd be wet as shit.
I'd be like squirting...
Dude, why you talking about
my wife's private parts?
Oh, well... No, I'm sorry.
I apologize, Lady Powers.
Don't call her Lady Powers.
Just call her April, man.
Come on, don't ruin this
celebratory moment
with being shameful and vulgar.
No, no. I don't mean
to ruin it. I'm just so excited.
I haven't
felt this good in so long.
I just wanna...
I just wanna punch something.
- Yo, what the fuck?!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- What the fuck?!
- Kenny!
- Stevie, are you OK?
- Kenny, help me.
- No, no, no, no.
Gross! No, no, no. Don't get
your fucking blood on me.
Ugh!
Stevie, breath.
OK, I'm gonna see you at home.
- Bye, baby. I love you.
- I love you.
See you later, pumpkin.
Children, raise your 5 Alives.
Because of my
amazing television efforts
and my newfound relationship
with show-business,
we never have to worry
about money again.
Picture the future. You're both
entering high school.
While all the other dum-dums
are there selling dime bags
and trading
Garbage Pail Kids cards,
you'll be polishing
your Porsches.
Riding your horses,
hanging out with the preps
with sweaters loosely tied
around your necks.
Let the memories of this
patriarch begin now.
- To Daddy.
- To Daddy.
- To Daddy.
- And now,
the giving of the gifts.
- Gifts?
- That's right.
I bought everyone
a small token to commemorate
this amazing moment
for our family.
First up is Mama.
Look at that, huh.
Oh, this is nice.
That's a fair trade candle.
We now can afford
to buy products
- that are made the right way.
- Smells so good, babe.
Next up, Shayna Bear.
Lookie lookie lookie here.
Little shorty's got back.
A Louis V backpack, that is.
That's a mighty big gift
for her.
Oh yes.
Several grand, in fact.
Where's my present?
He is in the garage.
Meet Dakota.
I got him from
a Craigslist Indian.
Is that a real wolf?
Pure bred.
That's what the red man told me.
There's no paperwork
or anything because of
their goddamn oral traditions.
But... seems legit to me.
You know, I'm not so sure that
this is a good gift
for a five year old.
What are you talking about,
April?
This is a perfect gift
for Toby.
With my new high-paying
television job
I'm not gonna be around
the house as much
as I'd like to be.
So it's very important
that Toby has
a strong male role model
so he doesn't turn out weird.
Dakota's gonna serve
as a spirit guide.
Hey.
You watch yourself,
motherfucker.
Because of this opportunity,
our family's gonna be
taken care of forever.
Who knows, next stop
could be space camp.
- Who wants to go to space?
- Me.
Who wants to pet this wolf?
Hey.
I'm a television star
and I own you.
Whoo! Goddamn. Kenny Powers,
series regular on TV.
Feels like the first day
of school out here, huh?
Oh yeah.
Everybody's inside the cafeteria
wanted to know
what I'm gonna wear.
What kind of crazy shit's
gonna come out of my mouth.
They all know that I'm just
the wild card this show needs
to nab that elusive demographic.
That Hunger Games demo.
That John Carter from Mars demo.
Kenny, you skew
extremely young.
Yeah, no shit.
Now where we at
with them gift baskets?
We locked and loaded?
They're right here, dog.
Boom.
Whoo. Looking good. Moose Munch.
Coffee macadamia toffee.
- You know what the move is.
- What's the move?
Put my motion picture personal
autobiographical screenplays
into Guy Young's gift basket.
That's how the Antwone Fisher
story was made.
Autobiographical screenplay,
Kenny?
When do I get to read it?
Well, when I get the N.D. forms
filled out by my lawyer.
Until then, you ain't
touching shit, dog.
A'ight. I'll back off.
I'll back off.
But soon. Hopefully.
Enough of your
creative sensitivities.
Let's give people some baskets.
You smell like a horses ass.
I don't want to smell you.
It's a professional environment.
- I'll talk to her.
- Please, talk to her.
I will.
A tisket, a tasket.
I brought you a
motherfucking gift basket.
Kenny P.
- Oh, shit, is that for me?
- Yeah, that is for you.
- Well, this is for you.
- Ah, shit.
Great minds think alike.
What's up, my man?
- Look at that, huh.
- All right.
- Whoo.
- Oh, Harry and David.
A top purveyor,
I like that a lot.
Goddamn. Yeah,
I also included
a copy of my new motion picture
screenplay I recently finished,
450 pages of box office gold.
It's my life story, dude.
Whoa. Kenny Powers
is a writer too, huh?
Screenplayist.
Who's this handsome pumpkin
right here?
Is this your fuck buddy?
I wish.
What the fuck is this?
That's a coupon book
for activities
in and around the Charlotte
area. You're gonna like that.
Grandfather Mountain, Carowinds.
A waterpark.
My kids are gonna shit their
pants when they see this.
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna shit my pants
looking at this
expensive-ass squirt bottle
of Morrocan hair oil.
That shit'll get you smelling
like an Egyptian cab driver.
I'm sure it's very nice
and thank you, Kenny.
Hey, you're welcome.
I think this is gonna be
a wonderful union.
Kenny Powers is just the thing
this show needs
to get the ratings up.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about that, Kenny.
- The ratings are just fine.
- Yeah, I know.
We'll just, you know,
focus on the four quadrant
- target market, Nielsens.
- Kenny, the ratings are fine.
Conrad, tell him,
the ratings are fine.
- They're good.
- They'll be better, though.
That would be...
Don't worry about that.
You know what I mean?
Keep your mind on the prize.
All right. I'll leave
the mathematics to you guys.
I'll focus on the
"lights, camera, action."
- Show-business.
- Show-business. KP.
There's my smart boy.
Oh God, look at you.
So handsome.
Get on the ground! This is
a fucking home invasion!
Jesus.
- It's me.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, word.
Wayne, you're graduating?
No. He is getting his GED
actually, Kenny.
You dumbass.
There's a ceremony for that?
What's up, bro?
What the hell are you
doing here, Kenny?
Relax, guys.
I'm not here to terrorize.
Just came by for a
friendly family visit.
It's no mystery that over the
years our families have drifted.
- Our families are strange.
- Estranged.
That's what I'm saying,
Cassie, that we're str...
You didn't say that.
You said "strange".
- That's what I'm saying.
- No, you didn't.
- Shit's not... No, I said...
- You said strange.
Look, you know what I'm
getting at. We're not friends.
- What do you want, Kenny?
- I wanna squish our beef.
What I've done in the past
is of no merits here.
The bottom line, I wanna
buy back your family's love
with these fucking dope passes
to Congo Canyon Resort.
Congo Canyon?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not so fast, sticky fingers.
What do you say, Dustin?
Let's put aside our differences.
Take leaks in the lazy river.
Take our shirts off and
slide down water slides.
What do you say?
Not interested.
Dustin, I think Kenny
is trying to apologize...
You stay out
of this, Cassie.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Don't fight, OK?
Look, I got my fame back.
And I wanna share it
with my kinfolk.
I'm ready to do it right
this time.
All you do when you get famous
is act like a bigger asshole.
- OK.
- Dustin, I'm a mature man.
I have a wife and kids. I listen
to fucking Terry Gross now.
Wait, wait. Don't tell me.
Motherfucking
This American Life.
No. You're the same
as you always were.
First chance you get,
you're gonna burn
all that to the ground.
You don't know what I'm trying
to burn to the ground.
You're just being nasty
and being a jerk.
None of you motherfuckers
are gonna get tan
and take your shirts off
with me.
You're all gonna be dry.
The only people
that get to get wet
are people that are nice to me.
Goodbye, you.
- Let's dance, dog.
- Yeah, dog.
Check out Yul Brynner.
I just bought his fucking ass
on Sky Mall.
OK. It was a car last week
and now it's a robot.
And this weekend you're taking
everybody to the water park.
You know what? I think this
is just getting out of hand.
I think we need to take it slow.
We took it slow for five years,
April.
And it fucking sucked.
It was not that bad.
It was terrible, April.
Literally, I almost killed
myself 20 different times.
I put a gun in my mouth and
almost pulled the trigger.
I ain't going back to them days.
OK, I can't take you
seriously right now
because you're dancing
with a robot.
- Aw.
- Oh, look. Now you've insulted him.
How rude.
Go about your journeys, Yul.
See ya.
All I'm saying is that we've
been given an opportunity
and I just don't want it
to change us.
Man, you're spitting the same
shit Dustin was throwing at me.
Talking about burning this
whole thing to the ground.
Why the hell doesn't
anybody trust me?
I just don't want us to rush
into anything, that's all.
Rush into what? Buying our
family exotic robotics?
Fucking treating our
loved ones and friends
to a weekend at the water park?
I mean, come on.
It's not that big of a deal.
I mean,
unless of course you got
some sort of weird issue
with slides.
I don't got nothing
against slides, Kenny.
Not even the ones
with the inner tubes?
No. I love the ones
with inner tubes.
What about the ones
with the mats?
Love the ones with mats.
Prove it.
Big tits go in there.
Fame for me has been
a many headed Hydra.
You cut off one head
and it sprouts another.
My baseball career was beheaded
on a warm night in Texas
many years ago.
So be it. A new head
is sure to grow in it's place.
Perhaps the head
of a movie star.
Or a race car driver.
One head might be
selfish and mean,
but that doesn't mean
the next head to replace it
can't still be
thoughtful and nice.
The Hydra has many heads.
Look at my family,
so happy and joyous.
They love me so much.
I just hope I don't
let them down.
Yeah. In Mexico
you just slide down
the fucking garbage chute, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- With a hose on it.
Hey, Kenny. Thank you.
- Thanks, Ken.
- On behalf of all of us.
- Thank you.
- Hey, no worries.
I can't believe
your fancy TV job
gives you free passes
to the water park.
That's so cute.
Is it cute?
I wouldn't call it cute.
I mean, cute's kinda
what I would use to describe
like a cabbage patch kid.
I mean, I just figured
they'd give you season tickets
to Panther games or something
a little more la-di-da.
I don't really know what the
hell you're getting at
but, uh, I do get
those things too.
- We do.
- This is just all I'm sharing
with you guys.
The fucking entry level junk.
- Ohh. Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
And also, don't try
to poke holes in my shit.
It's time to celebrate,
don't masturbate.
Just celebrate,
don't masturbate.
Shots all around.
- Shots all around.
- Don't use limes.
- Don't use limes.
- No training wheels.
I would like to propose a toast
- to old friends...
- Yes.
- ...and new friends.
- Yes.
Gene and Tel, you guys
are awesome. Awesome.
But there's someone
even more awesome.
The man who made this
all possible.
The most generous,
selfless man.
- To TV's newest star,
- Whoo!
- the love of my life,
- Oh yeah.
Mr. Kenny Powers.
Down the hatch.
Let's remember to pace ourselves
today, boys and girls, OK?
- Nah, fuck that shit.
- Well, what about the kids?
You know, I just think I'm
getting a little wasted.
That's like goddamn
ankle deep water.
Ain't nobody drowning
in that shit.
If one of them kids can drown,
then they don't deserve
to be alive.
This is a goddamn
Darwinism right here.
Waiter!
Another round
for me an my friends here.
I'm waiting to see Tel dip
them balls in some whiskey.
Motherfucker came here
in a Speedo.
Surprise!
- Hey!
- Jaws.
What the fuck, dude?
You got a big old nasty boner
in your pants.
I know, why you trying to play?
Man, Kenny, I remember
when I used to wait
for the goddamn things
to go down.
My dick is so fucked right now.
Well, have you tried
using drugs,
like Cialis or Viagra
or some shit?
I've used all the pills
and penis pumps.
But it doesn't do anything.
It just makes my dick
bright red, man.
You need to see a doctor, dude.
No, there's gotta be
some way, man.
Do you know any other
magic spells or dick tricks?
I mean, I guess the
only advice I could have
is just maybe you should just
appreciate what you got.
Even if what you got is a woman
that's built
like mashed potatoes.
- Mashed potatoes?
- See to her needs, dog.
Tend to her.
Kiss, caress, attend.
Kiss, caress, attend.
You see where we're going here.
I'm trying to isolate
your performance anxiety
by focusing on her needs,
homey.
You just gotta figure out how to
put some gravy on them taters.
- Oh, some cum gravy.
- There you go.
All right, here's the deal.
I'm not paying for the
queso or the enchiladas.
But we will pay
for the guacamole.
Sweep the leg.
Sweep slumdog's leg.
- Ahh!
- Hey, hey!
Ah, this is so much fun.
Damn it, Brennan!
You're supposed to hold on.
It's been like a little
while since I've done this
so you just like,
need to be easy.
What is she doing?
OK, go ahead.
Just be easy.
Pull it up.
April. Honey, this
is absolutely inappropriate.
- Dix! How you doin', Dix?
- I'm not that great
because our children
are right over there.
Dix, I think you need
to do this with me.
- I need you to grab a beer
- No, no thank you.
and a boy and let's get
hammered together.
No. You know what
I'm gonna grab?
I'm gonna grab your husband.
Ah, come on!
Oh yeah!
There you go, get him.
Grab his Speedo.
Rip his swim cap off.
Kenny. You better come
get your wife right now.
- Why?
- She's drunk.
Time out. Time out.
Goddamn.
She is getting fucked up.
All right, you.
Get in here.
I got a trash can down here
in case you get sick, all right?
- I gotta wash my hair.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no.
- I gotta wash...
You wash it in the morning,
all right?
I got puke in it.
No, no. There's no puke in it.
I think it's just
sun tan lotion.
Where the hell
are your shoes at?
You wanna get under the covers?
I wanna get under the covers.
Yeah, that's what I'm
saying, goddamn it.
Get under these covers.
There you go.
- Daddy, is Mom OK?
- Yeah, she's cool, man.
She's just pooped
from riding all those rides.
- Y'all like movies?
- Yeah!
Yeah. How about
G.I. Joe: Retaliation?
I didn't really appreciate it
the first time I saw it
but upon multiple viewings
it holds up.
You guys watch it two,
three times? That cool?
- OK.
- Yeah.
Why don't you sing your mom
your goodnight song.
♪ Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight ♪
Whoo!
♪ Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight ♪
Whoo!
I was trying to get
into my computer the other day
and I couldn't get in.
I was typing in "WakeForest",
which is my password.
"WakeForest", denied. "WakeForest", denied.
For a moment there you were
locked out of your own computer.
I didn't know...
It's a really bad feeling
when you lock yourself out.
Finally, I realize,
when I set up the password,
I used a dollar sign
instead of the "S".
- So, duh.
- Boom.
Jesus Christ, dude.
The women are sleeping upstairs,
Gene's putting us to sleep
down here. My God.
- I like Gene's stories.
- You like Gene's stories.
Of course you do. Because
they're fucking boring, Tel.
- Just like you.
- Oh, snap.
- Come on.
- All right.
Jesus Christ.
You're not Kenny Powers,
are you?
Uh, yes, I am.
Every day and night.
Are these shots for me?
- Yeah... Well, I thought...
- Thank you very much.
- ...we could, uh...
- Mm.
- ...toss a few back.
- Mm.
- All right.
- Boom. Gratitude.
- Nice to meet you.
- Take care.
- My name's Shawnsee.
- This is Jessie.
Don't worry,
she's just my sister.
Yeah. I saw you on TV
fighting that black dude
and it fucking cracked me up.
It's always nice to meet a fan,
of course.
Oh shit. This is uncle Hal.
He's fucking crazy, man.
He's just like you.
I don't really see
the resemblance.
My eyes aren't all fucking
vacant and hollow like his.
Why don't you hang out
with us, Kenny?
You wanna take this party
upstairs?
Actually, we were about
to head out.
No, no. Ignore this
Taliban cleric over here.
Let's take the party upstairs.
Hey, is there a
different Wi-Fi password
- on this floor of the hotel?
- Put that shit away.
- What's wrong with you, man?
- I'm trying to...
Fuck. I just took a big old dump
and now I'm ready to party
with Kenny Powers.
Cocaine.
Whoa! Jesus. No thanks.
- I got a buzz from the beers.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Hard drugs.
- Hard drugs?
Your people make this shit,
right?
Look at you, all scared shitless
over a schedule 2 narcotic.
I'll show you fucking drugs.
I'll show you exactly how to do
some motherfucking drugs.
Eyebrow licking time.
Gene and Tel.
The cocaine monster is here.
What are you doing?
You motherfuckers...
Come on, your turns
to do cocaine.
No. I'm not doing any coke, man.
- Cause it's pretty late...
- Dudes, dudes. Sh-sh-sh-sh.
Just don't give me this shit
right now. Listen.
We fucking are sharing some
important times in our lives.
Let's fucking add
to the sensations.
- All right. Kenny, enough.
- Kenny, come on.
This was supposed to be about
the kids, all right?
We're not supposed to be up here
having this party.
Gene, brother. Brother man.
Come on, dude.
I know your jokes
fucking suck...
- No, man.
- ...but win my respect.
That's enough, OK?
We're gonna go to bed.
- It's been...
- Tel, goddamn it. Do cocaine.
- No.
- OK. I'm just kidding around.
- But do cocaine.
- Kenny.
- Sleep well.
- OK, Tel. I will.
The fuck?
How's it going?
- You guys.
- Jesus.
Don't say a fucking word
about what you saw in there.
- Do you hear me?
- Of course. I'm just tired.
Yeah, you're tired.
If you tell your fucking wives,
I swear to God I will tell them
that you slept with those women.
Jesus, man.
I paid for all your
fucking families to be here.
You said you got
those tickets from work.
How dare you.
How dare you.
Tel, get him out of here.
I don't wanna see him.
Get him out of here. Go.
- Get!
- Let's go, let's go, Gene.
How dare you, Gene.
Uh... I got good news.
My sister wants to
suck your dick.
- That's dope news.
- And also, your balls.
She told me to tell you that.
That's very flattering. She's
a pretty fucking gorgeous girl.
But I'm married, homes.
Fucking locked down.
Fucking, my balls don't get
no attention anymore.
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Wanna go swimming?
Come on, come on.
Keep up, keep up.
Sh-sh-sh-sh.
OK.
Show 'em what you got.
No lines at the water park.
This is what I call
a wet dream.
Oh, take it off.
Don't fall. I think that
my face is too...
This water's really warm.
Oh my God, my nipples are hard.
We've been partying
- like wild, right?
- Yeah.
Your brother's pretty
fucking crazy, too.
- We're twins.
- Yeah,
- you said as much.
- I know.
He was talking some pretty
crazy shit up there about you.
Oh, my God.
Like what was he saying?
All kinds of shit. Fucking
spilling the beans on your ass.
Beans?
Like what kind of beans?
Like in a salad or what?
No, not beans in a salad.
Just stuff you've been saying.
What I been saying?
I don't know. You tell me
what you told him to tell me.
You wanna hear?
- Yeah.
- I'll tell you.
In my room. Room 289.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, Jessie.
Sweet, young...
full of promise and potential.
You know I really do
appreciate the fact
that you're drawn to me
and what, I do.
But no.
I can't come up
to your hotel room.
I've been given
a second chance at fame.
I got people depending on me.
Got a wife, kids, family.
I can't abuse this second chance
I've been granted.
They're will be
no dick sucks tonight.
Like, I can't lick it
or whatever?
No. Just...
My dick can't ever be
in your mouth ever, OK?
I... OK.
- So...
- It's for the best...
- Oh, so...
- No, you go ahead.
- No, no. I'm sorry.
- What were you gonna say?
No, you go ahead.
What were you gonna say?
I was just gonna say
it's warm in here so it's nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no. It is warm, I know.
For a second, like,
I was thinking it was cold.
But no, it is warm.
- It's late, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's so pretty.
What do you think
the other guys are doing?
And I don't even think that
cocaine did that much to me.
It's just like I'm inside
of a rainbow right now.
On one hand, I feel like
I'm talking too much.
On the other hand, I don't
feel like I'm talking enough.
Like I have more to...
Ohh. Oh, it feels so good.
- Security! Get out of the pool.
- Oh!
- Kenny, it's the cops!
- Oh, shit!
It's the cops.
Come on, goddamn it. Shit.
Kiss, caress, attend.
- Kiss, caress, attend.
- Harder.
- ...caress, attend.
- Harder.
What is it, Stevie?
It's not you, it's me, OK?
I did coke tonight.
I've coked it.
I did tons and tons of coke.
Fuck me.
Dear God, should I go
get my dick sucked?
Jessie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Congratulations.
What?
I decided to take you up on
one of those sweet cock sucks
you were talking about
from earlier.
Oh.
No, honey. No.
You were right.
You have a family. We can't.
It's too messed up.
You don't have to worry
about that, it's fine.
No, I'm sorry.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Is it time to get up?
- No, no, no, no.
The kids are still asleep.
Listen, I got to admit it.
That you were right.
I needed this.
We needed this.
Thank you so much
for making me realize it.
Because I had a fucking blast.
Yeah. Well, I told you
that this would be awesome.
So, yeah.
It's a great time.
OK. So now you can be
really honest with me.
How bad did I embarrass myself?
- Ah, come on.
- Come on.
- You can tell the truth.
- No, no. You were fine.
Seriously, don't get
in your head about it.
Nothing bad happened.
Nothing at all.
- My shit gets famous again.
- Oh.
I just need somebody
to give me a shot.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.
Okay. Let's go, buddy.
- I gave up fame for true love.
- No, no, no, no.
Love? I wanna see what
that stripper look like.
Oh, baby.
- Give me one more shot.
- Okay, don't blow it, Kenny.
I won't blow nothing.
- No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dontel.
Whoa!
You know what, Guy?
I'm out of this motherfucker.
Holy shit!
I killed it in there!
You were so awesome!
Your quips were
sensational, Kenny.
Ha! Yo, Tinseltown,
show-business better look out
because I'm coming for ya.
You were so great, baby.
You had so much control.
Hey, April, did your pussy
get wet in there?
I know if I had a pussy
it'd be wet as shit.
I'd be like squirting...
Dude, why you talking about
my wife's private parts?
Oh, well... No, I'm sorry.
I apologize, Lady Powers.
Don't call her Lady Powers.
Just call her April, man.
Come on, don't ruin this
celebratory moment
with being shameful and vulgar.
No, no. I don't mean
to ruin it. I'm just so excited.
I haven't
felt this good in so long.
I just wanna...
I just wanna punch something.
- Yo, what the fuck?!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- What the fuck?!
- Kenny!
- Stevie, are you OK?
- Kenny, help me.
- No, no, no, no.
Gross! No, no, no. Don't get
your fucking blood on me.
Ugh!
Stevie, breath.
OK, I'm gonna see you at home.
- Bye, baby. I love you.
- I love you.
See you later, pumpkin.
Children, raise your 5 Alives.
Because of my
amazing television efforts
and my newfound relationship
with show-business,
we never have to worry
about money again.
Picture the future. You're both
entering high school.
While all the other dum-dums
are there selling dime bags
and trading
Garbage Pail Kids cards,
you'll be polishing
your Porsches.
Riding your horses,
hanging out with the preps
with sweaters loosely tied
around your necks.
Let the memories of this
patriarch begin now.
- To Daddy.
- To Daddy.
- To Daddy.
- And now,
the giving of the gifts.
- Gifts?
- That's right.
I bought everyone
a small token to commemorate
this amazing moment
for our family.
First up is Mama.
Look at that, huh.
Oh, this is nice.
That's a fair trade candle.
We now can afford
to buy products
- that are made the right way.
- Smells so good, babe.
Next up, Shayna Bear.
Lookie lookie lookie here.
Little shorty's got back.
A Louis V backpack, that is.
That's a mighty big gift
for her.
Oh yes.
Several grand, in fact.
Where's my present?
He is in the garage.
Meet Dakota.
I got him from
a Craigslist Indian.
Is that a real wolf?
Pure bred.
That's what the red man told me.
There's no paperwork
or anything because of
their goddamn oral traditions.
But... seems legit to me.
You know, I'm not so sure that
this is a good gift
for a five year old.
What are you talking about,
April?
This is a perfect gift
for Toby.
With my new high-paying
television job
I'm not gonna be around
the house as much
as I'd like to be.
So it's very important
that Toby has
a strong male role model
so he doesn't turn out weird.
Dakota's gonna serve
as a spirit guide.
Hey.
You watch yourself,
motherfucker.
Because of this opportunity,
our family's gonna be
taken care of forever.
Who knows, next stop
could be space camp.
- Who wants to go to space?
- Me.
Who wants to pet this wolf?
Hey.
I'm a television star
and I own you.
Whoo! Goddamn. Kenny Powers,
series regular on TV.
Feels like the first day
of school out here, huh?
Oh yeah.
Everybody's inside the cafeteria
wanted to know
what I'm gonna wear.
What kind of crazy shit's
gonna come out of my mouth.
They all know that I'm just
the wild card this show needs
to nab that elusive demographic.
That Hunger Games demo.
That John Carter from Mars demo.
Kenny, you skew
extremely young.
Yeah, no shit.
Now where we at
with them gift baskets?
We locked and loaded?
They're right here, dog.
Boom.
Whoo. Looking good. Moose Munch.
Coffee macadamia toffee.
- You know what the move is.
- What's the move?
Put my motion picture personal
autobiographical screenplays
into Guy Young's gift basket.
That's how the Antwone Fisher
story was made.
Autobiographical screenplay,
Kenny?
When do I get to read it?
Well, when I get the N.D. forms
filled out by my lawyer.
Until then, you ain't
touching shit, dog.
A'ight. I'll back off.
I'll back off.
But soon. Hopefully.
Enough of your
creative sensitivities.
Let's give people some baskets.
You smell like a horses ass.
I don't want to smell you.
It's a professional environment.
- I'll talk to her.
- Please, talk to her.
I will.
A tisket, a tasket.
I brought you a
motherfucking gift basket.
Kenny P.
- Oh, shit, is that for me?
- Yeah, that is for you.
- Well, this is for you.
- Ah, shit.
Great minds think alike.
What's up, my man?
- Look at that, huh.
- All right.
- Whoo.
- Oh, Harry and David.
A top purveyor,
I like that a lot.
Goddamn. Yeah,
I also included
a copy of my new motion picture
screenplay I recently finished,
450 pages of box office gold.
It's my life story, dude.
Whoa. Kenny Powers
is a writer too, huh?
Screenplayist.
Who's this handsome pumpkin
right here?
Is this your fuck buddy?
I wish.
What the fuck is this?
That's a coupon book
for activities
in and around the Charlotte
area. You're gonna like that.
Grandfather Mountain, Carowinds.
A waterpark.
My kids are gonna shit their
pants when they see this.
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna shit my pants
looking at this
expensive-ass squirt bottle
of Morrocan hair oil.
That shit'll get you smelling
like an Egyptian cab driver.
I'm sure it's very nice
and thank you, Kenny.
Hey, you're welcome.
I think this is gonna be
a wonderful union.
Kenny Powers is just the thing
this show needs
to get the ratings up.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about that, Kenny.
- The ratings are just fine.
- Yeah, I know.
We'll just, you know,
focus on the four quadrant
- target market, Nielsens.
- Kenny, the ratings are fine.
Conrad, tell him,
the ratings are fine.
- They're good.
- They'll be better, though.
That would be...
Don't worry about that.
You know what I mean?
Keep your mind on the prize.
All right. I'll leave
the mathematics to you guys.
I'll focus on the
"lights, camera, action."
- Show-business.
- Show-business. KP.
There's my smart boy.
Oh God, look at you.
So handsome.
Get on the ground! This is
a fucking home invasion!
Jesus.
- It's me.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, word.
Wayne, you're graduating?
No. He is getting his GED
actually, Kenny.
You dumbass.
There's a ceremony for that?
What's up, bro?
What the hell are you
doing here, Kenny?
Relax, guys.
I'm not here to terrorize.
Just came by for a
friendly family visit.
It's no mystery that over the
years our families have drifted.
- Our families are strange.
- Estranged.
That's what I'm saying,
Cassie, that we're str...
You didn't say that.
You said "strange".
- That's what I'm saying.
- No, you didn't.
- Shit's not... No, I said...
- You said strange.
Look, you know what I'm
getting at. We're not friends.
- What do you want, Kenny?
- I wanna squish our beef.
What I've done in the past
is of no merits here.
The bottom line, I wanna
buy back your family's love
with these fucking dope passes
to Congo Canyon Resort.
Congo Canyon?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not so fast, sticky fingers.
What do you say, Dustin?
Let's put aside our differences.
Take leaks in the lazy river.
Take our shirts off and
slide down water slides.
What do you say?
Not interested.
Dustin, I think Kenny
is trying to apologize...
You stay out
of this, Cassie.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Don't fight, OK?
Look, I got my fame back.
And I wanna share it
with my kinfolk.
I'm ready to do it right
this time.
All you do when you get famous
is act like a bigger asshole.
- OK.
- Dustin, I'm a mature man.
I have a wife and kids. I listen
to fucking Terry Gross now.
Wait, wait. Don't tell me.
Motherfucking
This American Life.
No. You're the same
as you always were.
First chance you get,
you're gonna burn
all that to the ground.
You don't know what I'm trying
to burn to the ground.
You're just being nasty
and being a jerk.
None of you motherfuckers
are gonna get tan
and take your shirts off
with me.
You're all gonna be dry.
The only people
that get to get wet
are people that are nice to me.
Goodbye, you.
- Let's dance, dog.
- Yeah, dog.
Check out Yul Brynner.
I just bought his fucking ass
on Sky Mall.
OK. It was a car last week
and now it's a robot.
And this weekend you're taking
everybody to the water park.
You know what? I think this
is just getting out of hand.
I think we need to take it slow.
We took it slow for five years,
April.
And it fucking sucked.
It was not that bad.
It was terrible, April.
Literally, I almost killed
myself 20 different times.
I put a gun in my mouth and
almost pulled the trigger.
I ain't going back to them days.
OK, I can't take you
seriously right now
because you're dancing
with a robot.
- Aw.
- Oh, look. Now you've insulted him.
How rude.
Go about your journeys, Yul.
See ya.
All I'm saying is that we've
been given an opportunity
and I just don't want it
to change us.
Man, you're spitting the same
shit Dustin was throwing at me.
Talking about burning this
whole thing to the ground.
Why the hell doesn't
anybody trust me?
I just don't want us to rush
into anything, that's all.
Rush into what? Buying our
family exotic robotics?
Fucking treating our
loved ones and friends
to a weekend at the water park?
I mean, come on.
It's not that big of a deal.
I mean,
unless of course you got
some sort of weird issue
with slides.
I don't got nothing
against slides, Kenny.
Not even the ones
with the inner tubes?
No. I love the ones
with inner tubes.
What about the ones
with the mats?
Love the ones with mats.
Prove it.
Big tits go in there.
Fame for me has been
a many headed Hydra.
You cut off one head
and it sprouts another.
My baseball career was beheaded
on a warm night in Texas
many years ago.
So be it. A new head
is sure to grow in it's place.
Perhaps the head
of a movie star.
Or a race car driver.
One head might be
selfish and mean,
but that doesn't mean
the next head to replace it
can't still be
thoughtful and nice.
The Hydra has many heads.
Look at my family,
so happy and joyous.
They love me so much.
I just hope I don't
let them down.
Yeah. In Mexico
you just slide down
the fucking garbage chute, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- With a hose on it.
Hey, Kenny. Thank you.
- Thanks, Ken.
- On behalf of all of us.
- Thank you.
- Hey, no worries.
I can't believe
your fancy TV job
gives you free passes
to the water park.
That's so cute.
Is it cute?
I wouldn't call it cute.
I mean, cute's kinda
what I would use to describe
like a cabbage patch kid.
I mean, I just figured
they'd give you season tickets
to Panther games or something
a little more la-di-da.
I don't really know what the
hell you're getting at
but, uh, I do get
those things too.
- We do.
- This is just all I'm sharing
with you guys.
The fucking entry level junk.
- Ohh. Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
And also, don't try
to poke holes in my shit.
It's time to celebrate,
don't masturbate.
Just celebrate,
don't masturbate.
Shots all around.
- Shots all around.
- Don't use limes.
- Don't use limes.
- No training wheels.
I would like to propose a toast
- to old friends...
- Yes.
- ...and new friends.
- Yes.
Gene and Tel, you guys
are awesome. Awesome.
But there's someone
even more awesome.
The man who made this
all possible.
The most generous,
selfless man.
- To TV's newest star,
- Whoo!
- the love of my life,
- Oh yeah.
Mr. Kenny Powers.
Down the hatch.
Let's remember to pace ourselves
today, boys and girls, OK?
- Nah, fuck that shit.
- Well, what about the kids?
You know, I just think I'm
getting a little wasted.
That's like goddamn
ankle deep water.
Ain't nobody drowning
in that shit.
If one of them kids can drown,
then they don't deserve
to be alive.
This is a goddamn
Darwinism right here.
Waiter!
Another round
for me an my friends here.
I'm waiting to see Tel dip
them balls in some whiskey.
Motherfucker came here
in a Speedo.
Surprise!
- Hey!
- Jaws.
What the fuck, dude?
You got a big old nasty boner
in your pants.
I know, why you trying to play?
Man, Kenny, I remember
when I used to wait
for the goddamn things
to go down.
My dick is so fucked right now.
Well, have you tried
using drugs,
like Cialis or Viagra
or some shit?
I've used all the pills
and penis pumps.
But it doesn't do anything.
It just makes my dick
bright red, man.
You need to see a doctor, dude.
No, there's gotta be
some way, man.
Do you know any other
magic spells or dick tricks?
I mean, I guess the
only advice I could have
is just maybe you should just
appreciate what you got.
Even if what you got is a woman
that's built
like mashed potatoes.
- Mashed potatoes?
- See to her needs, dog.
Tend to her.
Kiss, caress, attend.
Kiss, caress, attend.
You see where we're going here.
I'm trying to isolate
your performance anxiety
by focusing on her needs,
homey.
You just gotta figure out how to
put some gravy on them taters.
- Oh, some cum gravy.
- There you go.
All right, here's the deal.
I'm not paying for the
queso or the enchiladas.
But we will pay
for the guacamole.
Sweep the leg.
Sweep slumdog's leg.
- Ahh!
- Hey, hey!
Ah, this is so much fun.
Damn it, Brennan!
You're supposed to hold on.
It's been like a little
while since I've done this
so you just like,
need to be easy.
What is she doing?
OK, go ahead.
Just be easy.
Pull it up.
April. Honey, this
is absolutely inappropriate.
- Dix! How you doin', Dix?
- I'm not that great
because our children
are right over there.
Dix, I think you need
to do this with me.
- I need you to grab a beer
- No, no thank you.
and a boy and let's get
hammered together.
No. You know what
I'm gonna grab?
I'm gonna grab your husband.
Ah, come on!
Oh yeah!
There you go, get him.
Grab his Speedo.
Rip his swim cap off.
Kenny. You better come
get your wife right now.
- Why?
- She's drunk.
Time out. Time out.
Goddamn.
She is getting fucked up.
All right, you.
Get in here.
I got a trash can down here
in case you get sick, all right?
- I gotta wash my hair.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no.
- I gotta wash...
You wash it in the morning,
all right?
I got puke in it.
No, no. There's no puke in it.
I think it's just
sun tan lotion.
Where the hell
are your shoes at?
You wanna get under the covers?
I wanna get under the covers.
Yeah, that's what I'm
saying, goddamn it.
Get under these covers.
There you go.
- Daddy, is Mom OK?
- Yeah, she's cool, man.
She's just pooped
from riding all those rides.
- Y'all like movies?
- Yeah!
Yeah. How about
G.I. Joe: Retaliation?
I didn't really appreciate it
the first time I saw it
but upon multiple viewings
it holds up.
You guys watch it two,
three times? That cool?
- OK.
- Yeah.
Why don't you sing your mom
your goodnight song.
♪ Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight ♪
Whoo!
♪ Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight ♪
Whoo!
I was trying to get
into my computer the other day
and I couldn't get in.
I was typing in "WakeForest",
which is my password.
"WakeForest", denied. "WakeForest", denied.
For a moment there you were
locked out of your own computer.
I didn't know...
It's a really bad feeling
when you lock yourself out.
Finally, I realize,
when I set up the password,
I used a dollar sign
instead of the "S".
- So, duh.
- Boom.
Jesus Christ, dude.
The women are sleeping upstairs,
Gene's putting us to sleep
down here. My God.
- I like Gene's stories.
- You like Gene's stories.
Of course you do. Because
they're fucking boring, Tel.
- Just like you.
- Oh, snap.
- Come on.
- All right.
Jesus Christ.
You're not Kenny Powers,
are you?
Uh, yes, I am.
Every day and night.
Are these shots for me?
- Yeah... Well, I thought...
- Thank you very much.
- ...we could, uh...
- Mm.
- ...toss a few back.
- Mm.
- All right.
- Boom. Gratitude.
- Nice to meet you.
- Take care.
- My name's Shawnsee.
- This is Jessie.
Don't worry,
she's just my sister.
Yeah. I saw you on TV
fighting that black dude
and it fucking cracked me up.
It's always nice to meet a fan,
of course.
Oh shit. This is uncle Hal.
He's fucking crazy, man.
He's just like you.
I don't really see
the resemblance.
My eyes aren't all fucking
vacant and hollow like his.
Why don't you hang out
with us, Kenny?
You wanna take this party
upstairs?
Actually, we were about
to head out.
No, no. Ignore this
Taliban cleric over here.
Let's take the party upstairs.
Hey, is there a
different Wi-Fi password
- on this floor of the hotel?
- Put that shit away.
- What's wrong with you, man?
- I'm trying to...
Fuck. I just took a big old dump
and now I'm ready to party
with Kenny Powers.
Cocaine.
Whoa! Jesus. No thanks.
- I got a buzz from the beers.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Hard drugs.
- Hard drugs?
Your people make this shit,
right?
Look at you, all scared shitless
over a schedule 2 narcotic.
I'll show you fucking drugs.
I'll show you exactly how to do
some motherfucking drugs.
Eyebrow licking time.
Gene and Tel.
The cocaine monster is here.
What are you doing?
You motherfuckers...
Come on, your turns
to do cocaine.
No. I'm not doing any coke, man.
- Cause it's pretty late...
- Dudes, dudes. Sh-sh-sh-sh.
Just don't give me this shit
right now. Listen.
We fucking are sharing some
important times in our lives.
Let's fucking add
to the sensations.
- All right. Kenny, enough.
- Kenny, come on.
This was supposed to be about
the kids, all right?
We're not supposed to be up here
having this party.
Gene, brother. Brother man.
Come on, dude.
I know your jokes
fucking suck...
- No, man.
- ...but win my respect.
That's enough, OK?
We're gonna go to bed.
- It's been...
- Tel, goddamn it. Do cocaine.
- No.
- OK. I'm just kidding around.
- But do cocaine.
- Kenny.
- Sleep well.
- OK, Tel. I will.
The fuck?
How's it going?
- You guys.
- Jesus.
Don't say a fucking word
about what you saw in there.
- Do you hear me?
- Of course. I'm just tired.
Yeah, you're tired.
If you tell your fucking wives,
I swear to God I will tell them
that you slept with those women.
Jesus, man.
I paid for all your
fucking families to be here.
You said you got
those tickets from work.
How dare you.
How dare you.
Tel, get him out of here.
I don't wanna see him.
Get him out of here. Go.
- Get!
- Let's go, let's go, Gene.
How dare you, Gene.
Uh... I got good news.
My sister wants to
suck your dick.
- That's dope news.
- And also, your balls.
She told me to tell you that.
That's very flattering. She's
a pretty fucking gorgeous girl.
But I'm married, homes.
Fucking locked down.
Fucking, my balls don't get
no attention anymore.
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Wanna go swimming?
Come on, come on.
Keep up, keep up.
Sh-sh-sh-sh.
OK.
Show 'em what you got.
No lines at the water park.
This is what I call
a wet dream.
Oh, take it off.
Don't fall. I think that
my face is too...
This water's really warm.
Oh my God, my nipples are hard.
We've been partying
- like wild, right?
- Yeah.
Your brother's pretty
fucking crazy, too.
- We're twins.
- Yeah,
- you said as much.
- I know.
He was talking some pretty
crazy shit up there about you.
Oh, my God.
Like what was he saying?
All kinds of shit. Fucking
spilling the beans on your ass.
Beans?
Like what kind of beans?
Like in a salad or what?
No, not beans in a salad.
Just stuff you've been saying.
What I been saying?
I don't know. You tell me
what you told him to tell me.
You wanna hear?
- Yeah.
- I'll tell you.
In my room. Room 289.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, Jessie.
Sweet, young...
full of promise and potential.
You know I really do
appreciate the fact
that you're drawn to me
and what, I do.
But no.
I can't come up
to your hotel room.
I've been given
a second chance at fame.
I got people depending on me.
Got a wife, kids, family.
I can't abuse this second chance
I've been granted.
They're will be
no dick sucks tonight.
Like, I can't lick it
or whatever?
No. Just...
My dick can't ever be
in your mouth ever, OK?
I... OK.
- So...
- It's for the best...
- Oh, so...
- No, you go ahead.
- No, no. I'm sorry.
- What were you gonna say?
No, you go ahead.
What were you gonna say?
I was just gonna say
it's warm in here so it's nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no. It is warm, I know.
For a second, like,
I was thinking it was cold.
But no, it is warm.
- It's late, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's so pretty.
What do you think
the other guys are doing?
And I don't even think that
cocaine did that much to me.
It's just like I'm inside
of a rainbow right now.
On one hand, I feel like
I'm talking too much.
On the other hand, I don't
feel like I'm talking enough.
Like I have more to...
Ohh. Oh, it feels so good.
- Security! Get out of the pool.
- Oh!
- Kenny, it's the cops!
- Oh, shit!
It's the cops.
Come on, goddamn it. Shit.
Kiss, caress, attend.
- Kiss, caress, attend.
- Harder.
- ...caress, attend.
- Harder.
What is it, Stevie?
It's not you, it's me, OK?
I did coke tonight.
I've coked it.
I did tons and tons of coke.
Fuck me.
Dear God, should I go
get my dick sucked?
Jessie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Congratulations.
What?
I decided to take you up on
one of those sweet cock sucks
you were talking about
from earlier.
Oh.
No, honey. No.
You were right.
You have a family. We can't.
It's too messed up.
You don't have to worry
about that, it's fine.
No, I'm sorry.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Is it time to get up?
- No, no, no, no.
The kids are still asleep.
Listen, I got to admit it.
That you were right.
I needed this.
We needed this.
Thank you so much
for making me realize it.
Because I had a fucking blast.
Yeah. Well, I told you
that this would be awesome.
So, yeah.
It's a great time.
OK. So now you can be
really honest with me.
How bad did I embarrass myself?
- Ah, come on.
- Come on.
- You can tell the truth.
- No, no. You were fine.
Seriously, don't get
in your head about it.
Nothing bad happened.
Nothing at all.