Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 2 - Chapter 23 - full transcript
Since his career as a professional baseball pitcher has long past, Kenny begins to seek new fame as a professional sports commentator. His path to this comes from former teammate Guy Young,...
Kenny, which type
of fruit do you want?
Everyone gets to take
one piece of fruit.
I don't want fruit!
- Well, what do you want?
- This!
Oopsie. We like cereals in
the big plastic bags. Remember?
I want this kind, little sucker!
Little Kenny, stop it.
Don't call Daddy names.
Dick licker, dick licker!
Kendra, Daddy does
not lick dicks.
Kendall, stop it.
Dick licker, dick licker!
I'm not a dick licker!
Maria, can you handle them?
They're getting
a little out of control.
Credit please.
It ain't going through.
It's an old card. You might
have to try a couple times.
Use the stamps.
No. Keep trying.
Maria, take the kids
out to the car, please.
Vamonos, vamonos.
Still denied?
I'm just...
Uh...
Hey! Stop him!
See kids,
by putting this pool in
is gonna increase the property
values of our home.
Protect our shit from
the fucking subprimes.
Kenny, what is going on?
I, uh, I'm digging a pool.
Why are the kids out here.
Why aren't you ready for work?
'Cause I quit my job.
I'm Django Unchained up
in this motherfucker.
Signed my own freedom papers.
- What makes you think you can do this?
- Uh, drugs.
And said drugs finally
lifted a very confusing haze
that had been lingering over me
for some time now.
Be honest with yourself.
If this family
was really happy,
would I be having dreams
about cheating on you
almost every single night?
You have dreams
of cheating on me?
I try to close my eyes and not take part in it.
But it's... I can't.
Every single night
I go to sleep.
Toby's teacher comes in,
school bus driver comes in.
Both of them start fucking going down on me.
Next thing I know,
lesbian principal's in there.
I'm fucking turning her out too.
I don't want to
do that shit, April.
The days of Kenny Powers
turning out lesbians
are fucking behind him.
Kenny, what is going on?
I can no longer hide
from my stardom. OK?
Fame, fortune, adventure.
What dreams may come?
I gave all this shit up
for you.
Now it's time for you
to return the favor.
I need you to support
me in my efforts
to step back in
the public spotlight.
Can you do that?
Let's go, kids.
Oh, you're gonna
take my workers?
Is that a walk away in support?
Is it?
OK.
Fuck?
Guy. Woo hoo hoo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Kenny.
You got that bath salts,
motherfucker?
- What?
- I'm fucking playing, dog.
- Hallucinogenics.
- Oh.
This burger's delicious.
Goddamn.
Damn it. I told them a turkey
club with no bread.
- Kenny, you high?
- Huh?
Are you high?
Nope, not anymore.
Percocets just wore off.
You been waiting
at the gate all morning?
Nah, just since nine.
But your ass fucking
drops in at lunch.
Taking a half a day,
you fucking slacker.
Oh shit. Guy,
on the serious tip,
really glad me and you had
this chance to reconnect.
The other night,
all that dancing,
all that fucking talking?
Super inspiring.
I had to fucking reevaluate
my whole deal, dog.
It was a fun night, Kenny.
I'm glad you came out.
Really got me thinking.
Perhaps it is high time
my shit gets famous again.
- Oh.
- Oh yeah.
I even so far as to fucking
quit my bullshit 9 to 5.
Wait a second. I didn't...
I didn't tell you to
quit your job, did I?
Hey, look. Don't get weird.
It was in the subtext.
You basically did
tell me to quit my job,
but I don't give a fuck.
This is what I should do.
You've finally fucking
woken me up.
I mean, I put my whole entire family's
financial well being on the line.
I'm not going to be able to fucking
feed or cloth my children.
That's how serious
I'm taking this fame bullshit.
I just need somebody
to give me a shot.
You know what, Kenny?
I'm going to give you a shot.
I'm gonna get you a co-host
spot on Thursday's show.
What do you think about that?
Ooh. What the fuck does
that mean? What is that?
You can sit down next
to the other guys
and we can talk about
sports on Sports Sesh.
Holy shit.
Me on fucking TV?
Dude, I'll guest host
my fucking ass off
every single day
if that's what it takes?
Well, it's just going
to be one show, so...
All right. Well that's fine.
I can fucking get famous again.
I can get famous off of that.
That's great.
If it happens on one show,
then good for you.
Fine. Famous again.
- Yeah.
- Let's get on TV.
Great job, TK. I'll see
you next week, OK?
- Bye.
- Stevie, what you doing?
Oh, I just gave a lesson to TK.
This bill, under pillow.
You no pay bill?
Well, I was gonna pay it, we're
just a little cash poor right now.
- I didn't want you to worry.
- You are supposed to be a man.
I'm sorry, Maria.
I'm sorr... Ow!
- You pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
You die. No you die.
Yo, Kenny, Kendall, Kendra,
what's shaking?
I'm not your Uncle.
Please don't call me that.
- I'm not related to you.
- What's cracking, brother?
Oh gross. The one that's
shares my name
is over there
picking his fucking boogs.
They all share your name and
they all pick their boogs.
Come here.
Oh my gosh, I miss that smell.
Please don't smell me, Steve.
Just hug. OK?
Good to see you, brother.
I will fucking kill you!
TV, Kenny.
That's fucking epic.
TV is a big deal.
No shit, dog. This fucking TV
shit could kick this
goddamn Kenny Powers brand right
where it needs to be, dude.
I'm talking fucking product
endorsements,
restaurant chains, sex tapes.
A motherfucking fragrance.
Ooh, a fragrance.
That's good.
So what do you think? Ready to leave your
shitty life behind and fucking join me?
Oh, Kenny,
that's appealing, but
unfortunately I work
for myself now.
You give saxophone lessons, dude. What
is that, like fucking 20 bucks an hour?
Come on, dude. I'm giving you a shot
to get that fucking mega payday
that you and I never got, man.
Well, that's really
nice of you, but look
I have all this.
I just can't swing it.
What, this modular home?
This place is a shit hole.
What? Are you...
Are you blind?
This is practically brand new.
Yes, I'm not blind, dude. Look at
the fucking craftsmanship, dude.
These shitty ass fucking cabinets.
This fucking bullshit bar.
What, laminate tiles?
Give me a fucking break.
Kenny, I have responsibilities.
I have four kids.
Dude, I have two
white kids, dog.
Straight up white kids. And I know
they're a lot more fucking expensive
to take care of than
fucking four Mexicans, dude.
Four Mexican kids
is equal to two white kids.
Fine. Do whatever.
Don't fucking join me, man.
Go about your own shit.
But just know this,
if you're not with me,
you're against me. OK?
I just made you into a
terrorist, bitch. How bout that?
From this moment forward,
I fucking hate you, dog.
Fine. If that's how you
want it. Then we're enemies.
Enemy combatants.
The next time I see you,
I'll fucking light you up.
- I'll strike you, motherfucker.
- Motherfucker, you don't...
- That's my cabinet.
- Fuck that cabinet, bitch.
Get out of here.
- Fucking napkins.
- No, not the napkins.
I'm not afraid to kill you.
I am your worst night...
You didn't let me finish.
Open that door.
I... don't drop my chandelier!
Don't drop my chandelier!
Wife.
If you weren't married to me and
saw this shit on the street
would you try to
fucking pound this ass?
Be honest with me.
'Cause right now I'm starting
to kind of feel like Oprah.
Big and black.
So you're really going
through with this?
Yes, April. Why you think
I'm all dressed up for?
That's nice. What does it pay?
Well, you know I had to put down
2,400 bucks to join SAG.
Besides that, we gotta kind of
look at this as an investment.
So, nothing?
Don't patronize me. Can't you
put your jealous rage aside
for at least one moment
and be supportive?
I support this whole family.
Because I'm the only
one with a job.
Ooh, disgusting.
Shame on you.
I'll put a curse on you.
I'll put a curse
on this whole family.
- That's rude.
- Just remember this shit
when I come home and have
a victory celebration.
'Cause I kicked ass on the show and I
eat a whole goddamn pizza by myself.
Don't share a one
single slice with you.
No slices for wife.
That's the last time you
get me for scale, Ding-dong.
Guys. You remember these
douchebags, right?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Hey, Kenny.
- What's up man?
- Tight times the other evening, boys.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, lots of dancing.
And this fuck you didn't meet 'cause
he didn't come to my charity event.
This is Dontel Benjamin.
He is the wild card
of our team.
Oh, word, The wild card.
Nice to meet you.
Y'all, throw that out.
Took her drawers off, all I saw
was stretch marks and dimples.
You talking about the midget?
The midget? The midget did that?
All right. This is the moment
of truth, Kenny, you ready?
Yes. Yes, I'm ready.
OK. Let's go buddy.
OK. We're live in five,
- four, three.
- Showtime.
Yes, yes, y'all.
You know what time it is.
It's time for Sports Sesh.
And here's your host, Guy Young.
Kenny. Kenny.
- Shoot it, Kenny.
- Shoot it, Kenny!
- For three.
- Oh!
Dontel still got it.
Dontel still got it.
Hey, welcome to another
session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young, and these guys are
getting old and they're out of shape.
True story.
We have a very special
show for you today
because we have a very special
guest, Mr. Kenny Powers.
Wonderful to be here.
Thank you very much
for having me here. Thank you.
And if you remember,
we did a story on this
a few years ago, he walked away
from the game of baseball.
But that wasn't
the strange thing.
He walked away literally
right in the middle of a game.
- Crazy.
- It was crazy, right?
That's the craziest thing
I ever heard. Who does that?
Well, you guys,
I did what I had to do.
I gave up fame for true love.
Na-na-na-na. Love?
I wanna see what
that stripper look like.
Whoa, so she calls you
and says, "Hey, boo boo,
I need you to go ahead and cut
out on the game, my back hurt."
Uh, there was no phone call.
I faked my death and then
showed up at her doorstep.
Oh, hell no!
Here we go.
Did this man just say
he became a ghost for a ho?
Oh, now I done heard it all!
- Mm.
- Well, that's very amusing.
It's kinda funny but
I actually have a very...
Na-na-na-na. Look.
I just remembered,
I got a bone to pick with you,
Guy.
- Uh oh. Here we go.
- Now last week
he sat up here and told all
of us that those rumors about
Daniel Green getting that
Georgia cheerleader pregnant
- were true.
- That's not what I said.
- I said I wasn't sure.
- See, that's a big difference.
Well, the DNA test
was damn sure.
You know, the funny thing
about DNA tests...
Na-na-na-na. Look.
Now we've all been on the road.
You get back to the hotel...
Look, a man's going to be a man.
And I'm just gonna
leave it at that.
Well, you know, some men...
And that's all Dontel
is gonna say about that.
You wanted to say something,
Kenny.
- No, that's it. That's good.
- Just...
- OK, Dontel. But, Kenny?
- Not the man is also...
- That's it. That's it.
- Different men can have...
- That's it.
- He had a different spin on it.
- No, he doesn't.
- A man gonna be a man.
Yeah, a man gonna be a man.
That's all Dontel
got to say about that.
That's all Dontel gonna say.
That's Dontel.
- Said that already.
- All right.
Guess we're just gonna
leave it at that.
All right, well, let's move on
to our first hot topic.
Major League Baseball is in
a little bit of hot water.
I'm saying,
like, these guys...
What do you
think about that, Kenny?
Hmm? What's up?
What are your thoughts on that?
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
That's... hell yeah.
Of course.
Oh, so you're saying Latino
players should get paid less?
Is that what
you're saying, Kenny?
You're saying Latino players
should get paid less?
Uh, maybe you should go
to the next person...
Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na.
You sat up here and told
our listening audience
that Latino players
should not get paid.
OK. Let's, let's
calm down on Kenny.
You can tell he got
a old school mindset, right?
I mean, you can tell
by the way he's rocking
them Run DMC black Levi jeans.
- Who's house?
- Run's house!
That's really funny.
I like that one.
Oh baby.
Are those tassels,
or what is that?
It's western, uh,
classic western cowboy fringe.
- Whoo.
- Is that your best friend?
He was. Yes.
Kenny Powers was my best friend.
If what you guys are saying...
Hey, Elvis just called, he said
he wanted his suit back.
Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy.
Hey, hey, hey. Yo, dude.
Should we talk to your producer
or something.
See about maybe booking me
on another appearance?
Kenny...
Seriously, you wanna
have this conversation?
Sure. To... just of like
whether there's
- an appropriate time to come back?
- Kenny.
Were you at the same show
that I was at?
No. You weren't.
Because you were staring
up at the fucking lights.
You were terrible out there.
Dontel just walked
all over you.
He took out his big fat dick
and he started smacking you
in the face with it.
Just smacking you
all in the face.
Fucking smacking your nose.
And fucking poking you
in the ears.
And what do you do?
"Oh, I guess I have to get
poked in the goddamn ear
by a big fat dick."
Instead of going,
"Oh, maybe I should
fucking tell him to fucking
get that dick outta my ear."
Oh, OK. I think I see.
So you just want me to be
a little maybe quicker
on the uptake, maybe be
a little louder, project more?
I want you to fucking
take Dontel down, man!
He's turning the Sesh
into a goddamn minstrel show.
Dancing around... a-ha-ha-ha.
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. God...
fucking dancing around
like goddamn
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Well, I didn't know
what was going on.
I mean, a minstrel show, shit.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- No. You know what?
No, I'm sorry, Kenny.
I just, I thought
you were something
that you're not anymore
and I brought you in
because I thought we can
level the playing field
and I was wrong, man.
- I bet on the wrong horse.
- No, you didn't, all right?
I'm sorry I let you down, dog.
But I am your horse, dude.
I'm the fucking right horse.
You want me to take out Dontel?
I'll assassinate
that motherfucker.
I will fucking kill him on TV.
Trust me. I got a fire in my
belly and I can fucking do this.
You got a fire in your belly,
Kenny?
Oh, it's burning so bright.
Give me one more shot.
All right. I'll give you
one more shot.
Don't blow it, Kenny.
I will blow nothing.
Next time wear a suit.
Go Toby!
Kenny, you're missing the game.
No, I'm seeing the game.
Yeah.
Yeah, I see you, Toby.
I see you blowing it.
Good job.
I'm just hiding
of embarrassment.
Hey, guys. Hey, you.
How was the TV thing?
You seemed so nervous,
I had to turn it off.
Ain't nobody nervous.
It was fine. Your breath smells
like sour cream and onion.
Well, that's 'cause
I'm snacking on these chips.
- You want any?
- No, gross.
So Kenny, is this a real job
or something
you're just doing for fun?
No. I was invited
by Guy Young himself
to appear
on his television show.
- You were invited?
- Yes.
Oh. I thought you won
a contest or something.
I didn't see the beginning.
Ain't nobody win no contest.
There's too much estrogen
over here.
I'm gonna go hang
with the men folk.
Let's go, let's go.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- "Yes, yes, yes."
What's happening over here,
butt buddies?
- How's it going, Ken?
- Hey, Kenny.
Great job on the Sesh.
- Congratulations, man.
- Good job.
When's the Emmy?
When's the Emmy party?
You gonna have us over
for drinks?
What the hell's so funny?
Why are you guys saying that
in a patronizing kind of way?
Oh, no. I'm sorry. I thought
we were doing a thing.
I thought you realized you...
It was a disaster.
- Say what?
- You were terrible.
OK. So terrible
that I guess Guy Young
invited me back to do it again.
So I guess I wasn't
too terrible.
It was weird.
Oh, gosh, April.
You seem so tense.
I mean, is he looking
for other work?
Is this affecting
you and the kids?
Are you thinking about
leaving him?
- No. No.
- No?
No, no, no. I mean,
I'm trying to be supportive.
You know, but I have
my reservations.
Well, if you guys ever need a
place to crash away from him...
You know, our house is too big.
Dixie, it's not gonna
come to that.
Well, you never know.
It's always a possibility.
But it's not possible with us.
So... We're gonna be just fine.
Yes, it will be just great.
You had that deer
in the headlights look.
Oh, did I? What fucking channel
were you watching me on,
motherfucker,
Bollywood Classics?
Come on, man.
Just joking around.
- Kind of a...
- You know what?
I'm done with this, dude.
I thought I was gonna
come over here
and have some good camaraderie
with you dudes.
Here's one dude who's fucking
going for the stars.
Trying to make something
with his life.
What do I get? I get
fucking hater shit, dude.
I get fucking message board
fucking pettiness over here.
I won't forget this. You guys
were not there to support me
- in this time.
- Come on now.
- Hey, Kenny.
- We're joking around.
- Kenny. Come on now.
- Hey.
You can't take a joke?
No, I can take a joke.
That wasn't funny.
- Kenny, come on.
- Come on.
- Hey, Kenny.
- Hey, Ken, come on.
I don't think that it's
too late to go back to Millenial
and apologize to Mark.
I think that he would give you
your job back.
Trust me. Millenial's
off the table.
- I can't fucking go back there.
- Don't shout.
I'm not shouting,
I'm just explaining to you
that I'm not gonna go back
to Millenial, all right?
Once you punch your boss
in his face
you don't usually
get your job back.
My whole goddamn world's
in a free fall.
I got to go back on the show
with these quick witted bullies
and get fucking double peni'ed
on live television
Stevie doesn't
even believe anymore.
Now my own wife.
My whole entire mystique
has all but fucking faded.
Good night, Kenny.
Good night, Kenny.
Are you gonna go back on TV?
I don't know.
Your mom's been acting like
a real bitch about it.
Maybe I'll just say fuck it all.
Just stay back here
and practice on my moves.
You still got it.
Toby, go inside.
Now.
You motherfucker.
What did I tell you
if I saw you again?
I said I'd fucking destroy you!
- Don't destroy me.
- I'll strike you!
I surrender unto you.
I surrender unto you.
Very well.
I shall show you mercy.
Thank you.
Why have you cometh to me?
Well, I saw you on the Sesh.
So you came here to gloat, huh?
Kick me while I'm down?
Well, go ahead.
Everybody else has.
You got me thinking.
I am a cunt.
OK, my own kids
don't respect me.
My wife no longer
sees me as a man
and I am such a big pussy that
my dick can barely get hard.
That's very big of you
to admit these things.
You know, Kenny, they say
to the victor goes the spoils.
Well, we fucking
conquered the universe.
So where are our spoils?
I say, if this fucked up world
doesn't give us what we deserve,
we need to fucking take it.
If we do this,
it's gonna take a ton of blood,
sugar, sex and magic.
The rewards will be great but
the shit ain't gonna be easy.
Well, guess what, I can feel my
little dick getting hard already.
Word.
Well, let's get to work.
You know what, don't feel bad
about not being able to get
a hard dick from your wife.
I couldn't get hard
off of her either.
Well, that's nice of you to say.
Thank you.
Celebrity. The life
of an A-lister comes with
a unique set of demands.
And every celebrated person
needs a capable assistant.
- Fuck!
- Again.
There. You see how he
straightened out his slacks?
Two pats down.
Again. Straighten those slacks.
The assistant
acts as the hands.
The brain sends
the hand shit to do...
Again.
...and the hands get it done.
- Again.
- It's too hard, man.
It's not too hard.
Can a brain function
without hands? Yes.
Black people
are better at sports
- than whites.
- But I just think...
Na-na-na-na-na-na...
Look.
But would it want to?
Fuck no.
So when that motherfucker
hits you the na-na-na,
you got to come back
with a yeah-yeah-yeah.
After all, somebody's
got to carry the water,
fold the clothes,
wash the dishes
and wipe the fucking ass.
For these jobs,
there is none better suited
than the hands.
Two pats, down!
Two pats, down!
You're ready.
There's just one more thing.
Holy shit! Oh my God!
I just spent 80 fucking
thousand dollars on a car.
What the fuck am I thinking?
Kenny, this Blue Book's
for 97,000.
It was a steal.
Worst case scenario
we torch the fucker
and collect the insurance.
OK. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, you're right.
Torch it. Fuck it.
This is it, dog.
It's on now.
Kenny Powers. Boy, you looking
like a new school player
in that suit.
But that's a bullshit
ass haircut.
I can't do this, dude.
I got to get out of here, man.
- This was a bad idea.
- What are you talking about?
You got, you're ready.
You got these hot new clothes.
No, we got to get out of here.
We got to get out of here.
Oh, geez these lights,
they're so fucking hot.
Kenny, no, no, no.
Don't do this.
I'm just feeling anxiety, dude.
I'm having shortness of breath.
These fucking lights
are beaming down on me.
Don't go into
the light, Kenny.
- Don't go into the light.
- The lights have me.
- They're fucking lulling me in.
- Stay with me, Kenny.
I smell burnt toast.
Kenny.
April.
I came here to
wish you good luck.
I didn't think
you believed in me.
I never said that. I never
worried that you would fail.
I only worried that
you would succeed.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared that I can't have
my husband, Kenny,
and the famous Kenny
at the same time.
And I don't want to lose you.
I'm not going anywhere.
You can have all the Kenny's
that there are Kenny's of.
I love you.
I'm just following my dream.
I know that now.
And if this is what
makes you happy...
Well, then go fuck shit up.
I intend to.
All right, places everyone.
Thanks for coming.
I should also tell you that
I bought an $80,000 car.
We'll talk about
it after the show.
OK.
We're live
in five, four,
three...
Yes, yes, y'all.
You know what time it is.
It's time for the Sports Sesh.
And now, here's your host,
Guy Young.
It's time. It's time.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Dontel, Dontel.
That's my nigga,
that's my nigga.
Do you like this kind of stuff?
I just don't like this
kind of stuff.
- I don't like this kind of stuff.
- Kenny Powers.
- Whoo!
- That was ugly, Dontel.
Wow, that was embarrassing.
Kenny had a block party
and invited Dontel.
Welcome back to another
session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and these
guys are just guys.
Now I want to just
jump right into hot topics.
Ricky Parks just left Orlando for
a big contract with the Knicks.
Cool move or fool move.
- Cool move.
- Fool, fool move, man.
- Why's that?
- Those fans in Orlando,
they worship that guy.
Whatever happened to loyalty?
Well, I got to disagree
with you, Dontel.
I don't care what you think.
Alright. Now look,
when I played, I had a rapport
with the local fan base.
It's not always about the money,
gentleman.
Well, if it's not about the money then
why didn't you play for free, dog?
Oh!
Say yeah-yeah-yeah.
He makes a good
point there, Dontel.
- You made a lot of money.
- A lot.
I mean, let's face facts, guys.
Playing sports is after all,
a business.
And the way I see it, this dude saw a
chance to get paid and he took it.
Ain't nothing wrong with that. You know, I
played for over 10 teams and do you know why?
Because those were the teams that were
willing to pay me the most money.
- I play to get paid.
- That's the American way.
- Get that wallet stacked.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Yeah-yeah-yeah, Dontel.
- Back the up.
Goddamn fangs, looking like a
motherfucking extra from Blade.
Look at this dude, looking like,
like dude from "Achy Breaky Heart".
Oh we want to talk about hair? Let's
talk about hair for a second, shall we?
Let's talk about that bald ass
shiny head of yours?
Looking like black Destro.
Honestly, this motherfucker
looks like a Milk Dud.
Oh! A Milk Dud.
Na-na. Na-na-na-na.
Why I got to be a Milk Dud?
Because I'm black?
Na-na-na. You don't have to be a Milk Dud.
You could be Tic Tacs
the way your goddamn
breath's kicking.
Smell like you been chewing on
buttholes all afternoon.
Diarrhea buttholes.
- Diarrhea stinky buttholes.
- What y'all laughing at?
That's right, Kenny.
Fuck him in the ass.
What y'all laughing at?
Watch out, audience. This
motherfucker about to stink you up.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Oh, you want to
see a nigga, huh?
You want to see a nigga,
I will show you a nigga.
I prefer not to see one today.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Holy shit!
OK. Everybody calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get off me. You know what?
You know what,
Guy? Man, fuck you.
- Oh!
- Fuck these losers.
Fuck those assholes out there.
All right,
we will be right back...
I'm out of this motherfucker.
- Out of here. Out of here.
- Out of here.
Get a toothbrush, homes.
All right, we're going
to be right back.
And when we get back, we're going to
have some more Kenny f'ing Powers.
Whoo! Give it up for Kenny.
of fruit do you want?
Everyone gets to take
one piece of fruit.
I don't want fruit!
- Well, what do you want?
- This!
Oopsie. We like cereals in
the big plastic bags. Remember?
I want this kind, little sucker!
Little Kenny, stop it.
Don't call Daddy names.
Dick licker, dick licker!
Kendra, Daddy does
not lick dicks.
Kendall, stop it.
Dick licker, dick licker!
I'm not a dick licker!
Maria, can you handle them?
They're getting
a little out of control.
Credit please.
It ain't going through.
It's an old card. You might
have to try a couple times.
Use the stamps.
No. Keep trying.
Maria, take the kids
out to the car, please.
Vamonos, vamonos.
Still denied?
I'm just...
Uh...
Hey! Stop him!
See kids,
by putting this pool in
is gonna increase the property
values of our home.
Protect our shit from
the fucking subprimes.
Kenny, what is going on?
I, uh, I'm digging a pool.
Why are the kids out here.
Why aren't you ready for work?
'Cause I quit my job.
I'm Django Unchained up
in this motherfucker.
Signed my own freedom papers.
- What makes you think you can do this?
- Uh, drugs.
And said drugs finally
lifted a very confusing haze
that had been lingering over me
for some time now.
Be honest with yourself.
If this family
was really happy,
would I be having dreams
about cheating on you
almost every single night?
You have dreams
of cheating on me?
I try to close my eyes and not take part in it.
But it's... I can't.
Every single night
I go to sleep.
Toby's teacher comes in,
school bus driver comes in.
Both of them start fucking going down on me.
Next thing I know,
lesbian principal's in there.
I'm fucking turning her out too.
I don't want to
do that shit, April.
The days of Kenny Powers
turning out lesbians
are fucking behind him.
Kenny, what is going on?
I can no longer hide
from my stardom. OK?
Fame, fortune, adventure.
What dreams may come?
I gave all this shit up
for you.
Now it's time for you
to return the favor.
I need you to support
me in my efforts
to step back in
the public spotlight.
Can you do that?
Let's go, kids.
Oh, you're gonna
take my workers?
Is that a walk away in support?
Is it?
OK.
Fuck?
Guy. Woo hoo hoo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Kenny.
You got that bath salts,
motherfucker?
- What?
- I'm fucking playing, dog.
- Hallucinogenics.
- Oh.
This burger's delicious.
Goddamn.
Damn it. I told them a turkey
club with no bread.
- Kenny, you high?
- Huh?
Are you high?
Nope, not anymore.
Percocets just wore off.
You been waiting
at the gate all morning?
Nah, just since nine.
But your ass fucking
drops in at lunch.
Taking a half a day,
you fucking slacker.
Oh shit. Guy,
on the serious tip,
really glad me and you had
this chance to reconnect.
The other night,
all that dancing,
all that fucking talking?
Super inspiring.
I had to fucking reevaluate
my whole deal, dog.
It was a fun night, Kenny.
I'm glad you came out.
Really got me thinking.
Perhaps it is high time
my shit gets famous again.
- Oh.
- Oh yeah.
I even so far as to fucking
quit my bullshit 9 to 5.
Wait a second. I didn't...
I didn't tell you to
quit your job, did I?
Hey, look. Don't get weird.
It was in the subtext.
You basically did
tell me to quit my job,
but I don't give a fuck.
This is what I should do.
You've finally fucking
woken me up.
I mean, I put my whole entire family's
financial well being on the line.
I'm not going to be able to fucking
feed or cloth my children.
That's how serious
I'm taking this fame bullshit.
I just need somebody
to give me a shot.
You know what, Kenny?
I'm going to give you a shot.
I'm gonna get you a co-host
spot on Thursday's show.
What do you think about that?
Ooh. What the fuck does
that mean? What is that?
You can sit down next
to the other guys
and we can talk about
sports on Sports Sesh.
Holy shit.
Me on fucking TV?
Dude, I'll guest host
my fucking ass off
every single day
if that's what it takes?
Well, it's just going
to be one show, so...
All right. Well that's fine.
I can fucking get famous again.
I can get famous off of that.
That's great.
If it happens on one show,
then good for you.
Fine. Famous again.
- Yeah.
- Let's get on TV.
Great job, TK. I'll see
you next week, OK?
- Bye.
- Stevie, what you doing?
Oh, I just gave a lesson to TK.
This bill, under pillow.
You no pay bill?
Well, I was gonna pay it, we're
just a little cash poor right now.
- I didn't want you to worry.
- You are supposed to be a man.
I'm sorry, Maria.
I'm sorr... Ow!
- You pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
You die. No you die.
Yo, Kenny, Kendall, Kendra,
what's shaking?
I'm not your Uncle.
Please don't call me that.
- I'm not related to you.
- What's cracking, brother?
Oh gross. The one that's
shares my name
is over there
picking his fucking boogs.
They all share your name and
they all pick their boogs.
Come here.
Oh my gosh, I miss that smell.
Please don't smell me, Steve.
Just hug. OK?
Good to see you, brother.
I will fucking kill you!
TV, Kenny.
That's fucking epic.
TV is a big deal.
No shit, dog. This fucking TV
shit could kick this
goddamn Kenny Powers brand right
where it needs to be, dude.
I'm talking fucking product
endorsements,
restaurant chains, sex tapes.
A motherfucking fragrance.
Ooh, a fragrance.
That's good.
So what do you think? Ready to leave your
shitty life behind and fucking join me?
Oh, Kenny,
that's appealing, but
unfortunately I work
for myself now.
You give saxophone lessons, dude. What
is that, like fucking 20 bucks an hour?
Come on, dude. I'm giving you a shot
to get that fucking mega payday
that you and I never got, man.
Well, that's really
nice of you, but look
I have all this.
I just can't swing it.
What, this modular home?
This place is a shit hole.
What? Are you...
Are you blind?
This is practically brand new.
Yes, I'm not blind, dude. Look at
the fucking craftsmanship, dude.
These shitty ass fucking cabinets.
This fucking bullshit bar.
What, laminate tiles?
Give me a fucking break.
Kenny, I have responsibilities.
I have four kids.
Dude, I have two
white kids, dog.
Straight up white kids. And I know
they're a lot more fucking expensive
to take care of than
fucking four Mexicans, dude.
Four Mexican kids
is equal to two white kids.
Fine. Do whatever.
Don't fucking join me, man.
Go about your own shit.
But just know this,
if you're not with me,
you're against me. OK?
I just made you into a
terrorist, bitch. How bout that?
From this moment forward,
I fucking hate you, dog.
Fine. If that's how you
want it. Then we're enemies.
Enemy combatants.
The next time I see you,
I'll fucking light you up.
- I'll strike you, motherfucker.
- Motherfucker, you don't...
- That's my cabinet.
- Fuck that cabinet, bitch.
Get out of here.
- Fucking napkins.
- No, not the napkins.
I'm not afraid to kill you.
I am your worst night...
You didn't let me finish.
Open that door.
I... don't drop my chandelier!
Don't drop my chandelier!
Wife.
If you weren't married to me and
saw this shit on the street
would you try to
fucking pound this ass?
Be honest with me.
'Cause right now I'm starting
to kind of feel like Oprah.
Big and black.
So you're really going
through with this?
Yes, April. Why you think
I'm all dressed up for?
That's nice. What does it pay?
Well, you know I had to put down
2,400 bucks to join SAG.
Besides that, we gotta kind of
look at this as an investment.
So, nothing?
Don't patronize me. Can't you
put your jealous rage aside
for at least one moment
and be supportive?
I support this whole family.
Because I'm the only
one with a job.
Ooh, disgusting.
Shame on you.
I'll put a curse on you.
I'll put a curse
on this whole family.
- That's rude.
- Just remember this shit
when I come home and have
a victory celebration.
'Cause I kicked ass on the show and I
eat a whole goddamn pizza by myself.
Don't share a one
single slice with you.
No slices for wife.
That's the last time you
get me for scale, Ding-dong.
Guys. You remember these
douchebags, right?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Hey, Kenny.
- What's up man?
- Tight times the other evening, boys.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, lots of dancing.
And this fuck you didn't meet 'cause
he didn't come to my charity event.
This is Dontel Benjamin.
He is the wild card
of our team.
Oh, word, The wild card.
Nice to meet you.
Y'all, throw that out.
Took her drawers off, all I saw
was stretch marks and dimples.
You talking about the midget?
The midget? The midget did that?
All right. This is the moment
of truth, Kenny, you ready?
Yes. Yes, I'm ready.
OK. Let's go buddy.
OK. We're live in five,
- four, three.
- Showtime.
Yes, yes, y'all.
You know what time it is.
It's time for Sports Sesh.
And here's your host, Guy Young.
Kenny. Kenny.
- Shoot it, Kenny.
- Shoot it, Kenny!
- For three.
- Oh!
Dontel still got it.
Dontel still got it.
Hey, welcome to another
session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young, and these guys are
getting old and they're out of shape.
True story.
We have a very special
show for you today
because we have a very special
guest, Mr. Kenny Powers.
Wonderful to be here.
Thank you very much
for having me here. Thank you.
And if you remember,
we did a story on this
a few years ago, he walked away
from the game of baseball.
But that wasn't
the strange thing.
He walked away literally
right in the middle of a game.
- Crazy.
- It was crazy, right?
That's the craziest thing
I ever heard. Who does that?
Well, you guys,
I did what I had to do.
I gave up fame for true love.
Na-na-na-na. Love?
I wanna see what
that stripper look like.
Whoa, so she calls you
and says, "Hey, boo boo,
I need you to go ahead and cut
out on the game, my back hurt."
Uh, there was no phone call.
I faked my death and then
showed up at her doorstep.
Oh, hell no!
Here we go.
Did this man just say
he became a ghost for a ho?
Oh, now I done heard it all!
- Mm.
- Well, that's very amusing.
It's kinda funny but
I actually have a very...
Na-na-na-na. Look.
I just remembered,
I got a bone to pick with you,
Guy.
- Uh oh. Here we go.
- Now last week
he sat up here and told all
of us that those rumors about
Daniel Green getting that
Georgia cheerleader pregnant
- were true.
- That's not what I said.
- I said I wasn't sure.
- See, that's a big difference.
Well, the DNA test
was damn sure.
You know, the funny thing
about DNA tests...
Na-na-na-na. Look.
Now we've all been on the road.
You get back to the hotel...
Look, a man's going to be a man.
And I'm just gonna
leave it at that.
Well, you know, some men...
And that's all Dontel
is gonna say about that.
You wanted to say something,
Kenny.
- No, that's it. That's good.
- Just...
- OK, Dontel. But, Kenny?
- Not the man is also...
- That's it. That's it.
- Different men can have...
- That's it.
- He had a different spin on it.
- No, he doesn't.
- A man gonna be a man.
Yeah, a man gonna be a man.
That's all Dontel
got to say about that.
That's all Dontel gonna say.
That's Dontel.
- Said that already.
- All right.
Guess we're just gonna
leave it at that.
All right, well, let's move on
to our first hot topic.
Major League Baseball is in
a little bit of hot water.
I'm saying,
like, these guys...
What do you
think about that, Kenny?
Hmm? What's up?
What are your thoughts on that?
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
That's... hell yeah.
Of course.
Oh, so you're saying Latino
players should get paid less?
Is that what
you're saying, Kenny?
You're saying Latino players
should get paid less?
Uh, maybe you should go
to the next person...
Na-na-na-na-na.
Na-na-na-na.
You sat up here and told
our listening audience
that Latino players
should not get paid.
OK. Let's, let's
calm down on Kenny.
You can tell he got
a old school mindset, right?
I mean, you can tell
by the way he's rocking
them Run DMC black Levi jeans.
- Who's house?
- Run's house!
That's really funny.
I like that one.
Oh baby.
Are those tassels,
or what is that?
It's western, uh,
classic western cowboy fringe.
- Whoo.
- Is that your best friend?
He was. Yes.
Kenny Powers was my best friend.
If what you guys are saying...
Hey, Elvis just called, he said
he wanted his suit back.
Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy.
Hey, hey, hey. Yo, dude.
Should we talk to your producer
or something.
See about maybe booking me
on another appearance?
Kenny...
Seriously, you wanna
have this conversation?
Sure. To... just of like
whether there's
- an appropriate time to come back?
- Kenny.
Were you at the same show
that I was at?
No. You weren't.
Because you were staring
up at the fucking lights.
You were terrible out there.
Dontel just walked
all over you.
He took out his big fat dick
and he started smacking you
in the face with it.
Just smacking you
all in the face.
Fucking smacking your nose.
And fucking poking you
in the ears.
And what do you do?
"Oh, I guess I have to get
poked in the goddamn ear
by a big fat dick."
Instead of going,
"Oh, maybe I should
fucking tell him to fucking
get that dick outta my ear."
Oh, OK. I think I see.
So you just want me to be
a little maybe quicker
on the uptake, maybe be
a little louder, project more?
I want you to fucking
take Dontel down, man!
He's turning the Sesh
into a goddamn minstrel show.
Dancing around... a-ha-ha-ha.
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. God...
fucking dancing around
like goddamn
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Well, I didn't know
what was going on.
I mean, a minstrel show, shit.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- No. You know what?
No, I'm sorry, Kenny.
I just, I thought
you were something
that you're not anymore
and I brought you in
because I thought we can
level the playing field
and I was wrong, man.
- I bet on the wrong horse.
- No, you didn't, all right?
I'm sorry I let you down, dog.
But I am your horse, dude.
I'm the fucking right horse.
You want me to take out Dontel?
I'll assassinate
that motherfucker.
I will fucking kill him on TV.
Trust me. I got a fire in my
belly and I can fucking do this.
You got a fire in your belly,
Kenny?
Oh, it's burning so bright.
Give me one more shot.
All right. I'll give you
one more shot.
Don't blow it, Kenny.
I will blow nothing.
Next time wear a suit.
Go Toby!
Kenny, you're missing the game.
No, I'm seeing the game.
Yeah.
Yeah, I see you, Toby.
I see you blowing it.
Good job.
I'm just hiding
of embarrassment.
Hey, guys. Hey, you.
How was the TV thing?
You seemed so nervous,
I had to turn it off.
Ain't nobody nervous.
It was fine. Your breath smells
like sour cream and onion.
Well, that's 'cause
I'm snacking on these chips.
- You want any?
- No, gross.
So Kenny, is this a real job
or something
you're just doing for fun?
No. I was invited
by Guy Young himself
to appear
on his television show.
- You were invited?
- Yes.
Oh. I thought you won
a contest or something.
I didn't see the beginning.
Ain't nobody win no contest.
There's too much estrogen
over here.
I'm gonna go hang
with the men folk.
Let's go, let's go.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- "Yes, yes, yes."
What's happening over here,
butt buddies?
- How's it going, Ken?
- Hey, Kenny.
Great job on the Sesh.
- Congratulations, man.
- Good job.
When's the Emmy?
When's the Emmy party?
You gonna have us over
for drinks?
What the hell's so funny?
Why are you guys saying that
in a patronizing kind of way?
Oh, no. I'm sorry. I thought
we were doing a thing.
I thought you realized you...
It was a disaster.
- Say what?
- You were terrible.
OK. So terrible
that I guess Guy Young
invited me back to do it again.
So I guess I wasn't
too terrible.
It was weird.
Oh, gosh, April.
You seem so tense.
I mean, is he looking
for other work?
Is this affecting
you and the kids?
Are you thinking about
leaving him?
- No. No.
- No?
No, no, no. I mean,
I'm trying to be supportive.
You know, but I have
my reservations.
Well, if you guys ever need a
place to crash away from him...
You know, our house is too big.
Dixie, it's not gonna
come to that.
Well, you never know.
It's always a possibility.
But it's not possible with us.
So... We're gonna be just fine.
Yes, it will be just great.
You had that deer
in the headlights look.
Oh, did I? What fucking channel
were you watching me on,
motherfucker,
Bollywood Classics?
Come on, man.
Just joking around.
- Kind of a...
- You know what?
I'm done with this, dude.
I thought I was gonna
come over here
and have some good camaraderie
with you dudes.
Here's one dude who's fucking
going for the stars.
Trying to make something
with his life.
What do I get? I get
fucking hater shit, dude.
I get fucking message board
fucking pettiness over here.
I won't forget this. You guys
were not there to support me
- in this time.
- Come on now.
- Hey, Kenny.
- We're joking around.
- Kenny. Come on now.
- Hey.
You can't take a joke?
No, I can take a joke.
That wasn't funny.
- Kenny, come on.
- Come on.
- Hey, Kenny.
- Hey, Ken, come on.
I don't think that it's
too late to go back to Millenial
and apologize to Mark.
I think that he would give you
your job back.
Trust me. Millenial's
off the table.
- I can't fucking go back there.
- Don't shout.
I'm not shouting,
I'm just explaining to you
that I'm not gonna go back
to Millenial, all right?
Once you punch your boss
in his face
you don't usually
get your job back.
My whole goddamn world's
in a free fall.
I got to go back on the show
with these quick witted bullies
and get fucking double peni'ed
on live television
Stevie doesn't
even believe anymore.
Now my own wife.
My whole entire mystique
has all but fucking faded.
Good night, Kenny.
Good night, Kenny.
Are you gonna go back on TV?
I don't know.
Your mom's been acting like
a real bitch about it.
Maybe I'll just say fuck it all.
Just stay back here
and practice on my moves.
You still got it.
Toby, go inside.
Now.
You motherfucker.
What did I tell you
if I saw you again?
I said I'd fucking destroy you!
- Don't destroy me.
- I'll strike you!
I surrender unto you.
I surrender unto you.
Very well.
I shall show you mercy.
Thank you.
Why have you cometh to me?
Well, I saw you on the Sesh.
So you came here to gloat, huh?
Kick me while I'm down?
Well, go ahead.
Everybody else has.
You got me thinking.
I am a cunt.
OK, my own kids
don't respect me.
My wife no longer
sees me as a man
and I am such a big pussy that
my dick can barely get hard.
That's very big of you
to admit these things.
You know, Kenny, they say
to the victor goes the spoils.
Well, we fucking
conquered the universe.
So where are our spoils?
I say, if this fucked up world
doesn't give us what we deserve,
we need to fucking take it.
If we do this,
it's gonna take a ton of blood,
sugar, sex and magic.
The rewards will be great but
the shit ain't gonna be easy.
Well, guess what, I can feel my
little dick getting hard already.
Word.
Well, let's get to work.
You know what, don't feel bad
about not being able to get
a hard dick from your wife.
I couldn't get hard
off of her either.
Well, that's nice of you to say.
Thank you.
Celebrity. The life
of an A-lister comes with
a unique set of demands.
And every celebrated person
needs a capable assistant.
- Fuck!
- Again.
There. You see how he
straightened out his slacks?
Two pats down.
Again. Straighten those slacks.
The assistant
acts as the hands.
The brain sends
the hand shit to do...
Again.
...and the hands get it done.
- Again.
- It's too hard, man.
It's not too hard.
Can a brain function
without hands? Yes.
Black people
are better at sports
- than whites.
- But I just think...
Na-na-na-na-na-na...
Look.
But would it want to?
Fuck no.
So when that motherfucker
hits you the na-na-na,
you got to come back
with a yeah-yeah-yeah.
After all, somebody's
got to carry the water,
fold the clothes,
wash the dishes
and wipe the fucking ass.
For these jobs,
there is none better suited
than the hands.
Two pats, down!
Two pats, down!
You're ready.
There's just one more thing.
Holy shit! Oh my God!
I just spent 80 fucking
thousand dollars on a car.
What the fuck am I thinking?
Kenny, this Blue Book's
for 97,000.
It was a steal.
Worst case scenario
we torch the fucker
and collect the insurance.
OK. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, you're right.
Torch it. Fuck it.
This is it, dog.
It's on now.
Kenny Powers. Boy, you looking
like a new school player
in that suit.
But that's a bullshit
ass haircut.
I can't do this, dude.
I got to get out of here, man.
- This was a bad idea.
- What are you talking about?
You got, you're ready.
You got these hot new clothes.
No, we got to get out of here.
We got to get out of here.
Oh, geez these lights,
they're so fucking hot.
Kenny, no, no, no.
Don't do this.
I'm just feeling anxiety, dude.
I'm having shortness of breath.
These fucking lights
are beaming down on me.
Don't go into
the light, Kenny.
- Don't go into the light.
- The lights have me.
- They're fucking lulling me in.
- Stay with me, Kenny.
I smell burnt toast.
Kenny.
April.
I came here to
wish you good luck.
I didn't think
you believed in me.
I never said that. I never
worried that you would fail.
I only worried that
you would succeed.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared that I can't have
my husband, Kenny,
and the famous Kenny
at the same time.
And I don't want to lose you.
I'm not going anywhere.
You can have all the Kenny's
that there are Kenny's of.
I love you.
I'm just following my dream.
I know that now.
And if this is what
makes you happy...
Well, then go fuck shit up.
I intend to.
All right, places everyone.
Thanks for coming.
I should also tell you that
I bought an $80,000 car.
We'll talk about
it after the show.
OK.
We're live
in five, four,
three...
Yes, yes, y'all.
You know what time it is.
It's time for the Sports Sesh.
And now, here's your host,
Guy Young.
It's time. It's time.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Dontel, Dontel.
That's my nigga,
that's my nigga.
Do you like this kind of stuff?
I just don't like this
kind of stuff.
- I don't like this kind of stuff.
- Kenny Powers.
- Whoo!
- That was ugly, Dontel.
Wow, that was embarrassing.
Kenny had a block party
and invited Dontel.
Welcome back to another
session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and these
guys are just guys.
Now I want to just
jump right into hot topics.
Ricky Parks just left Orlando for
a big contract with the Knicks.
Cool move or fool move.
- Cool move.
- Fool, fool move, man.
- Why's that?
- Those fans in Orlando,
they worship that guy.
Whatever happened to loyalty?
Well, I got to disagree
with you, Dontel.
I don't care what you think.
Alright. Now look,
when I played, I had a rapport
with the local fan base.
It's not always about the money,
gentleman.
Well, if it's not about the money then
why didn't you play for free, dog?
Oh!
Say yeah-yeah-yeah.
He makes a good
point there, Dontel.
- You made a lot of money.
- A lot.
I mean, let's face facts, guys.
Playing sports is after all,
a business.
And the way I see it, this dude saw a
chance to get paid and he took it.
Ain't nothing wrong with that. You know, I
played for over 10 teams and do you know why?
Because those were the teams that were
willing to pay me the most money.
- I play to get paid.
- That's the American way.
- Get that wallet stacked.
- Na-na-na-na-na.
- Yeah-yeah-yeah, Dontel.
- Back the up.
Goddamn fangs, looking like a
motherfucking extra from Blade.
Look at this dude, looking like,
like dude from "Achy Breaky Heart".
Oh we want to talk about hair? Let's
talk about hair for a second, shall we?
Let's talk about that bald ass
shiny head of yours?
Looking like black Destro.
Honestly, this motherfucker
looks like a Milk Dud.
Oh! A Milk Dud.
Na-na. Na-na-na-na.
Why I got to be a Milk Dud?
Because I'm black?
Na-na-na. You don't have to be a Milk Dud.
You could be Tic Tacs
the way your goddamn
breath's kicking.
Smell like you been chewing on
buttholes all afternoon.
Diarrhea buttholes.
- Diarrhea stinky buttholes.
- What y'all laughing at?
That's right, Kenny.
Fuck him in the ass.
What y'all laughing at?
Watch out, audience. This
motherfucker about to stink you up.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Oh, you want to
see a nigga, huh?
You want to see a nigga,
I will show you a nigga.
I prefer not to see one today.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Holy shit!
OK. Everybody calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get off me. You know what?
You know what,
Guy? Man, fuck you.
- Oh!
- Fuck these losers.
Fuck those assholes out there.
All right,
we will be right back...
I'm out of this motherfucker.
- Out of here. Out of here.
- Out of here.
Get a toothbrush, homes.
All right, we're going
to be right back.
And when we get back, we're going to
have some more Kenny f'ing Powers.
Whoo! Give it up for Kenny.