Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 1 - Chapter 22 - full transcript

Several years have taken place since we last saw Kenny Powers make the comeback that he's been waiting for, only to throw it all away for the woman he loves. Now working a boring, mundane job at a rental car facility and having given up completely on the party scene, Kenny has become a shell of his former self. That is until he runs into a former teammate - Guy Young, who is now the host of a popular sports talk program. Guy gives Kenny a taste of the A list he so desires, and he wants it bad. And now Kenny believes that he's got a new path to the A-list but will April and Steve stand behind him?

I love NPR.

Look at this guy.
Hey, buddy.

That's not really called for.

I'm not gonna race you, bro.

What? Come on, bro,
are you scared?

Nope. I have no intentions upon
breaking the law today.

Aw, you're not gonna
break the law?

Aww. Hey, buddy.
Check it out.

Oh, real nice.
Put that badonkadonk away.

That does not make me
wanna race you.

Faggot!



I'm not...
a homosexual person.

You are.

All right, sir.
Well, this here is saying

that you are declining
the insurance.

Not interested in GPS,

you obviously know where
you're going.

Just sign right there.
You will be good to go.

I gotta ask, man.
You look real familiar to me.

We don't know each other.
Just go ahead and...

You used to play baseball,
didn't you?

Once upon a time, yes, I did.

Yeah, man.
Ah... hey, baby...

Can I get a picture?

Actually, you know what, sir,



I don't do that kind
of stuff anymore.

I walked away from celebrity
a long time ago

and I no longer take pictures,
so...

Part of my life is over.

So you gonna big time us now?

We just rented a car from you.
We're paying customers.

Yeah, I know. You're paying
for the rental of a Ford Focus,

Not for a picture of a man.

Oh, whatever.
Be a dick about it.

You should be glad somebody
wanna take a picture

- with your washed up ass.
- Hey, Ken. How we doing?

- Everything cool here?
- Yeah.

No. I just asked him
for a picture

and he got all weird
and uppity and shit.

I wasn't being uppity.

Ooh, Ken.

Ken would be happy to give you
a photograph, sir.

Just let me see your phone
and I'll take a picture.

Yeah, I mean, he made it
like it was a big deal

- and everything.
- I'll bet he did.

That's our Ken.

Come on around, Ken.
Step on in. Scooch in there.

Get in there. Why don't
everybody squeeze in there

and make a Ken sammich.

Good composition.
Now let's see a smile.

- Just take the picture, Mark.
- Just smile.

OK. You're doing something weird
with your eyebrows.

I don't even know.

Right. That'll do.

That's it. That's the one.

There you go.
There's your happy memory, sir.

Thank you for choosing
Millenial Rent-A-Car.

- I'll be back.
- Yeah, you will.

Ken, let me talk to you
for a second.

You gotta do the dance
for the customer.

All right, cool?

Mark, please...
Mark, stop.

OK. You got me,
I'm knocked out.

Mark, stop it.

Mark. OK, boom, you got me.

I got beat up, OK.

Mark, I'm not doing
the "ror-ros".

- Come on, rrrr...
- Rrrr. OK.

Seriously, can you
please stop punching me?

All right, all right.
I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna take over here,
what I'm gonna have you do

is go ahead and wash down
a few of the fleet just come in.

You know I've had a full
dance card all morning.

I mean, this shit can't wait
till after lunch?

No. No, better go ahead
and do it now.

Just, I had made a sandwich
that I enj... was hoping to...

Forget it. I'll wash the cars.
Thank you, Mark.

This is a story
of a man who won.

By choosing love
over fame, fortune

and countless adventures...

...I had proven
that my heart was true.

I had proven that I was a man

- who could face any peril.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

And fucking crush it
in the name of love.

You fucking son of a bitch!

When I rolled
back the stone

and rose like the
mighty phoenix...

...there were some
who couldn't process

the majesty of the event.

And there were some
that decided to trump up

bullshit fraudulent
life insurance claim

charges against me.
But I couldn't be phased.

And, ultimately, I was rewarded

with the hand of my true love
in matrimony.

I was rewarded with the birth
of a gorgeous daughter.

And life began to take on
a beautiful rhythm.

In the end, Kenny Powers
didn't get what he wanted.

But he got what he needed.

He didn't win baseball,
but he did win life.

The end.

Credits roll. Besides them,
on-set bloopers play

in a small box.

Hilarious.

Please finish your juice.

Just finished my feature.

What's a feature, Daddy?

A feature is Hollywood industry
jargon for a screenplay.

You know what motion
pictures are?

- Human Centipede.
- Human Centipede. Yes, Shayna.

You remember when
we watched that film?

They ate the poo-poo.

That's right,
they did eat the poo-poo.

And you know what?
Those people didn't just

make that up on their own.

Someone had to write
that they ate poo-poo.

That's what a feature is.
That's what a screenplay is.

That's what your dad just did.

- That movie's gross.
- Whoa, big surprise.

My son got scared
by a horror film.

Shayna didn't have a problem
with it.

Shayna, you like when they
eat the caca, right?

I love you. Look at you.
Eating all your carrots. Gone.

Toby's got a goddamn farmer's
market on his plate over there.

Toby, eat your fucking carrots.

OK, OK. Kenny,
what is this from the bank?

- Did you apply for a loan?
- Oh. Yeah, word.

Yeah, yeah.
This is the loan I applied for.

For the, uh,
backyard swimming pool.

We don't have money for a pool.

That's why I applied
for a loan.

OK. You know what, I have been
running around all day

and we have our friends coming
in just a little bit.

Could you please
put them to bed?

You know, actually,
I was gonna go upstairs

and try to put a really tight
playlist together

for us to like, chill to tonight
when we have this dinner party.

Right. I-I... yeah.

Um, they're the priority.

- So I really need your help.
- I know. Just, like...

Super tight playlist could just
really set the night off right.

OK. Yeah, cool.
We don't need a playlist.

I'll just put the Saturday
chillax-relaxation mix on.

That should probably
translate nicely. Perfect.

I love you.
I love you so much.

I love you.

I need you to finish up
your juice.

- Wha... What happened?
- Hm?

Oh, that vase fell. Now I'm just
trying to find the nightly news.

So I had my testosterone
levels checked the other day,

a couple weeks ago
and they were very low.

As I kind of figured they were.

But the doctor got me
on this application.

- It's like a deodorant.
- That's terrific.

- You just roll it on?
- Yeah.

It gets me into a position
mentally and hormonally

to a place where I am
attracted to my wife.

Before it was like I
couldn't even get near him.

I would wear basically nothing.

And he wouldn't even
look my way.

And now it's great.
We're very healthy, sexually,

- and, yeah, wonderful.
- A little too healthy.

Fascinating.

- Mm-hmm.
- April, I heard

you're being honored.
Is that true?

- It's really nothing.
- What is it? Tell us about it.

It's... it's this silly award

because I just sold the most
houses, um, this year.

- Wow.
- That's amazing. That's huge.

- Yeah.
- No.

Well, I mean, it's not like
she sold the most houses

in the whole country,
it's just in the region

or at her job in this office,
not really all the offices.

Yeah, I mean, just the region.

Big region.
It's a buyers market, though.

- Yeah. True.
- Well, some say.

Some say that the bubble's
already burst

and that it's going the
other way, too, so who knows.

Who says that?

Just the economic
reports that I've been reading.

Happen to be talking about...

- That... just don't be so cocky...
- OK.

...with houses, because it could
all turn around at any moment.

- Yeah.
- That's what I've learned.

Oh, my gosh. Having a wife
that's so successful...

I mean, most men would be like,
"I can't handle it."

I know this one
would be terrible.

Look at the look in his eyes.
Look in his eyes.

Yeah, I'll do the work,
you, you know, clean up.

Oh, he's so supportive.
I mean, he really is.

- Oh, so sweet, Kenny.
- You're like a nice big bra.

You are not.

I shouldn't tell jokes,
I'm not the jokester.

- He is.
- I'm the joke man.

- He does impressions.
- Oh, I love your impressions.

- Do one for us.
- Do my mother. Do my mother.

Oh, it's so funny
if you know her.

You better watch yourself.

You're spending too much money
on that house.

It's exact.

Well, you know what?
I can do impressions too.

This is your guys kid,
the one you guys adopted.

This is him.

Hey, you guys don't look like
my parents.

Where are my parents?
Where'd my mom and dad go?

Right? This is funny.
This is your guys' kid.

I wish you guys woulda left me
in Vietnam in the foxhole

- instead of taking me here
- That's enough.

- to be around everyone else...
- Kenny, that's enough.

- Yes.
- That's enough.

Muggy out, isn't it?

Hey, once you're done in here,

I need you to drop a Benz
in Charlotte.

Oh, man. I'm gonna get
butt-fucked in traffic, dude.

Charlotte on rush hour
on a Wednesday?

Ask Derrick to do it.

I ain't asking anybody.
I'm telling you, Ken.

Man, I was hoping to get off
early tonight,

my wife's getting honored
at an event.

Ken.

- Yes, Mark.
- Ken.

- What?
- You happen to know

who mushed the donuts
I brought in today?

I mean, I broke a piece off.

I wasn't trying to eat
the whole thing.

No. I'm not talking about
breaking a piece off.

I'm talking about somebody
who went in and methodically

mushed the donuts.

It's not like a donut
got mushed accidental.

It was definitely
intentional mushing the donuts.

Well, no. I didn't...
Why am I gonna mush donuts?

I don't give a shit
about donuts.

Well, you broke a piece off.

Well, but that's just because
I'm trying to watch my weight

I wasn't trying to eat
the whole thing.

Maybe some people in this job
just don't wanna come in here

and be seeing little gifts
just that don't mean nothing.

That's peace offerings, man.

Why... why does there have to
even be a peace offering?

Maybe if people just treated
people right around here

people wouldn't be trying to
have to give peace offerings.

What are you
trying to tell me, Ken?

What are you trying to ask me?

I'm asking if you know
who mushed the donuts

- I brought in.
- And what'd I tell you?

I said no. I said
I broke a piece off.

I'm trying to watch my figure.

If you do hear anything,
let me know.

Yeah. Good luck with your
investigation, inspector.

You know I'm not gonna
steal anything.

You don't really have to
wait out here with me.

I'll be the judge of that.

All right.

There he is, come on.

Hey.

- Ah, shit.
- Hey, how are you?

Is there any way we can just
sign this back here?

No. Come on.

Anna, what a pretty name.

Kenny Powers.

Guy Young.

- Kenny fucking Powers.
- Hey.

- What's up, champion?
- What's happening, man?

- How you doing?
- My old teammate, my God.

- Yeah.
- What's it been,

- like, 15 years?
- Yeah, at least 15.

- Not since Atlanta.
- Hotlanta, right?

Mos def, mos def.

I saw this guy fucking
drink firewater

- out of a hooker's pussy.
- Yeah.

- That's right.
- No joke.

- I forgot about that.
- Right out of her pussy.

- And then you fucked her.
- And then I fucked her, yeah.

Made my dick sting a little,

because of the firewater.

- We were crazy back then, huh?
- I know.

So what's happening here?

You guys making a movie
or something?

No, no. We're not
making a movie.

I'm not a movie star.
We're making a TV show.

I'm a TV star.

- I do Sports Sesh over here.
- Oh, yeah. There's...

- Wow. That's cool.
- It's a sports show.

I'm not familiar
with the program.

I don't really keep up with
the sporting world anymore.

Hey. You got five minutes?

I can give you
a Guy Young VIP tour.

- Actually, I gotta...
- He's dropping off

your rental car, Mr. Guy Young.

What do you...
what are you...

Why? You rent cars now?

Uh, well, actually,
kind of more or less the CEO

of like a rental car
corporation.

Don't you have some paperwork
for him to sign?

Uh, yes, Miss Pleasant, I do.

Uh... so here's the forms.

This is the other Kenny,
he's my assistant manager.

So sign that,
right there's cool.

- You also are gonna sign there.
- Right here?

You gotta say that
the gas tank is full

and if you don't bring it back
full then we will

- charge you for it.
- Yeah, I usually

- return it empty.
- OK. Suit yourself.

TV star. Doesn't have
to worry about gas.

There's your car.

Thank you, buddy.
Hey, Kenny, before you go,

I'm hosting this, um...
charity event

at the Ballantyne Hotel
Friday night.

It's a little upscale,
a little fancy.

Not your cup of tea
but right afterwards

there's an after-party. It's
gonna be off the fucking hook.

I'm gonna bring some
of my guys from the show.

We hit a little pinch
of vintage Kenny P.

and it'll be 1998
all over again.

- What do you say?
- Yeah.

That does sound like
a good time, Guy,

but, uh, walked away from the
party scene a few years ago.

- I'm a family man now.
- Get the fuck out of here.

- Back up.
- No, it's true.

I'm... love my family.
I don't party anymore.

Get out of here.
Shut up.

The only drug I get off on
is my wife and kids

and I get fucked up on them
every single night.

What? I feel like
I'm looking at a dead man.

I did die, and then
I was born again

as a family man.

Well, as long as
you're happy, Kenny.

Thrilled.
Never been happier.

Hey, get back to work,
all right?

- You too.
- Listen,

maybe I'll put you on the list,

just in case
you change your mind.

I wouldn't bother. I got
a corporate takeover

I have to oversee,
so I'm not gonna be able to...

I'm gonna put you
on the list anyway.

- Good to see you, Guy.
- Good seeing you.

- Take care of yourself.
- Who wants an autograph?

Her charm,
her work ethic

and her tireless spirit
make April the best agent

I've ever worked with.
I'd truly be lost without her.

So, without further ado,

our MVP, the one and only...

...April Powers.

You like me,
you really like me.

Well, first off, I just wanna
thank everyone that I work with.

You have been so good to me.

You have taught me the tools
that I have needed to succeed.

But most of all,
I wanna thank my husband, Kenny,

who has always been so
supportive of me no matter what.

When I've been working late, you
know, he takes care of the kids,

cleaning the poopy diapers...

...singing lullabies.

Cooking for them. He has become
quite the little cook.

Also, when it's just been
a rough day,

I'm excited to go home because
I know that there is a back rub

and a bubble bath
waiting for me.

Aww.

So thank you for standing
right behind me.

You truly are
my wonderful husband.

Fuck!

Shit! Fuck you!

Cunt! Shit!

Shit! Crap fucking shit!

- Goddamn it!
- There you are.

I was looking for you.
What is wrong?

Nothing. Just that place
smells bad inside.

Smells like dog shit
and potstickers.

Trying to get some fresh air.

Kenny, what is going on?
You can tell me.

I don't know.

Just sitting in there and
everyone's clapping for you.

Must think of me
like some kind of dipshit.

I feel like
fucking Tim Robbins in there.

Everyone's smiling at me,
bitching me out.

So because I'm
achieving something

- that makes you a bitch?
- Yes, April.

Every single morning I wake up,
I think about the fact

that I fucking walked away
from baseball.

I gotta suck my fucking soul in,
put a smile on my face.

Go about my day.

You have so much
to be proud of.

Like what?
My shitty job?

- Our lame ass friends?
- Your kids.

Well, Shayna's pretty cool

but she's never gonna be
a ball player.

Toby. Always trying to
challenge my authority.

Little motherfucker thinks
he's the head of the household.

Fuck him.

You think it's easy for me?

Watching you mope
around the house.

Mope. Ain't nobody moping.

You know what?

I'm gonna go in there.

And I'm gonna try
to enjoy myself.

And I hope you will join me.

April.

I'm gonna stay out here
in silent protest.

But perhaps you could grab me
some of those chili sliders,

that'd be very baller.
Maybe some napkins.

Arnold Palmer.

Actually, April.

You know what, scratch
the Arnold Palmer.

Just make it a lemonade.

That's ridiculous,
all right. Let's be honest,

I mean, there are already
gay athletes in the league.

Just 'cause they're not vocal
doesn't mean they're not there.

I know Dontel
ain't about that life.

Are you afraid it's contagious?

I damn sure
ain't gonna find out.

No. Way. Boy.

I just want you
to take a second, OK,

and just imagine that
you're sitting in a dugout

and you're looking
across the field

and who's there,
in the other dugout,

is AIDS.
A team of AIDS.

Baseball cap on and a uniform.
All skinny with lesions.

Saying I wanna get in you.

I wanna get my AIDS
right up in you.

I wanna give this man AIDS.

I wanna give
this beautiful woman AIDS.

I wanna give this
whole table AIDS.

Well, not on my watch.
Not on Guy Young's watch.

We're not gonna let AIDS
get more hits than us.

We're not gonna let AIDS
strike out more people than us.

No, sir. Not on my watch.

Let's take out our checkbooks.
Let's take out our wallets.

And let's all be heroes together

and win the World Series
against AIDS.

OK?

Let's find a cure.

Let's find a cure for AIDS.

Shit, dude. An AIDS charity.

I mean, that's a fucking
pretty big deal.

Yeah, man. All the top dogs
have their own AIDS charities.

I mean, war torn countries
and natural disasters,

they come and go but the AID
train keeps on rollin'.

You're a good fit for AIDS, man.
I'm happy for you.

- That's awesome.
- Thank you. Hey, Jed.

Bring the boys over.

Kenny Powers, I want you to meet
my Sports Sesh cohorts.

Three time Winston Cup champion,
Jed Forney.

Hall of Fame linebacker,
Jimmy Clay.

And last but not least,

former heavyweight champion
of the world,

- Ronny "The Hammer" Garcia.
- Nice to meet you.

Holy shit.
Well, you boys didn't forget

to eat your Wheaties, huh?

Hey, you boys ready
to pop some champ?

- Yeah. Hell yeah.
- Sure.

Because I put in
my brownie points,

now I'm ready to point
some brownies.

Wha-wha-what does
point some brownies mean?

- Fuck some ladies in the ass.
- Hey!

Hey, another round of shots.

- Coconut Ciroc, all around.
- Whoo! Man.

- Big fucking spender.
- That's so much money.

Shit, man. I'm bippin' daily.

Man, I haven't been to a VIP
joint like this in a long time.

It's been a while.
Thank you very much.

Hey, don't get it twisted.
We splittin' the check now.

I actually only had two
sexes on beaches.

Stop actin' like a little bitch,
Kenny. You know you rich.

Yeah, I'm rich.

Hey, I'll pay for Kenny.
Hell, I got so much money

I don't even
know what to do with it.

Hey, this bastard
making all that bank

selling doo-doo chicken
to the poor folk.

Hey, don't be jealous
of my chicken chain.

Ain't nobody jealous of your
wack-ass chicken chain.

Shit, you know that chicken
nasty as a motherfucker

if my black ass
won't even eat that shit.

Ah, shit!

He's black and he won't
eat the chicken.

Somebody's buying it.

Hey, Guy, tell him what you got.

Oh, you wanna know what I got?

I'll tell you what I got.

I got...
I got two Regal Cinemas.

I got a Napa Auto Parts.
I got eight Sbarros.

I got I don't know
how many Subways.

Hey, Kenny, tell 'em what you
got. Tell 'em what you got.

- Don't hold back now.
- Yeah.

I got a modest priced home.
I got a good deal on it.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

What else, what else?
What else you got? Come on now.

Oh... I got a family
that loves me.

Loves the fuck outta me.

Like, they like,
they really like me a lot.

- Seriously though,
- What the fuck is that?

like, something real.
What you got?

I'm about to get a pool.

I love pools!

Hey, I swim in my pool
every motherfucking day.

- Whoo! Pool! Pools!
- Pools! Pools!

I'm gonna get a big
motherfucking pool!

Hey, let's all dance!

Please eat your cereal,
I'm not playing around.

I need you to eat it right now.

- Hey, that's mine!
- No, we're not gonna run

in the house, please.

Toby, I need you to give her
her iPad back, please.

Let's bring the sound down
just a decibel, please.

- Good morning.
- Hey, good morning.

- Late night, huh?
- I guess.

- Hey, where's the aspirin at?
- Right there.

- Here?
- Mm-hmm. In that drawer.

- The coffee's ready.
- Nice.

- And you got this.
- Hmm?

Toby, please get ready
for school.

I'm not gonna say it again.

Goddamn it.

Look at this guy.
This is the guy from before.

Look at his little Sebring.

Hey, I like that Sebring, bro.

Oh, my God.

He is a real loser.

It's not nice
to call people faggots.

Faggots.

This motherfucker's crazy.

What the fuck was that shit?

OMFNG.

Look at that body damage.
This is structural.

What happened here?

Shit, Mark. Shit happened.

Just like the saying goes.

And I didn't fill it up
with gas, either.

Well, I'm gonna need
a full report.

You... gonna have
to do the paperwork.

Your laws mean nothing to me.

Last night I had a taste
of the A-list.

And it reminded me of something
I've known for a very long time.

I'm better than you.

This little fucking parking lot
here, this may be your kingdom,

your legacy.
It's a piss in the pool to me.

From this moment forward
I'm getting what's mine.

Fame, money, respect,
chicken chains.

And if you doubt that,
all of you can suck my nuts.

Suck on them so fucking hard

you can't even breath
through your mouth,

only through your nose,
but it'll be even hard to do

'cause my fucking fat dick
will be clogging that shit.

I'm no longer some slack-jawed
dipshit that rents cars.

Now I'm just back to just being
a regular to who I am.

You wanna fucking air battle,
bitch?

Let's fucking air battle, huh.

Come on, man.

- You like that?
- Don't fake punch me.

Come on. Put up
some fucking defenses.

Don't air punch me.

You're not doing it
good naturedly.

Stop, man.

You just connected, man.

OK, I know. That last one
got away from me.

But that is what happens when
people get into air battles.

Sometimes they connect, Mark.

Sometimes they connect.

I quit.