Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Chapter 12 - full transcript

I lost everything.
I lost my- My job...

...my friends, my- My future.

But I don't know.
In that loss, you know, I feel like I've -

I've found something.

I mean, I found this group.
I found all you guys.

That's right.

For the first time in a long while...

...I can 100 percent
motherfucking honestly say...

...I feel good.

There you are.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.



So I just heard the news.

Sounds like you're ready to move on.

I think I am.

- You know what's next, don't you?
- Yeah.

- Ninth step.
- Make amends.

That's right.

Take that list you made
of people you've wronged.

Start at the top, the person
you fucked over the most.

Andrew, seriously...

...there's no way I would have made it
the last six months without you.

So it's actually convenient
that you're here with me now.

Wanna ask your sponsor
one more question?

- No.
- Go ahead.

No, I meant actually it's convenient
because you're at the top of my list.



I'm at the top?

I fucked Linda.

Okay, you fucked my sister.

The- No.

Your-? Isn't your wife's name Linda?

You fucked my wife?

I did but I thought her name
was Linda. Isn't it Linda?

It's Beth.

Beth, right.

Right, no, yeah, Linda was your sister.

- She watched.
- Watched?

Yeah. It's crazy.

But I'm sorry about that
and I hope we can make amends.

This is clean-and-sobes full force
because I feel like I'm on a new drug.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Well, as long as we're square...

...I feel like it's time to move on down
to number two, you know what I mean?

Looks like my next stop is Mexico.

Go fuck yourself, Pat.

Stevie, our time here in Mexico
has come to an end.

We can't hide in this wasteland
forever chasing exotic women.

It's time we get back
to the business of living.

Face what awaits us back in America.

Okay, I'll make sure everything
is packed properly, Kenny.

And, you know, if you wanna bang
that were-woman one more time...

...for the memories, I will allow it.

Are you serious, Kenny?

As a heart attack, hombre.

Can I fuck her more than once
or just once?

Don't lay in her all goddamn day.
You got some packing to do.

Let's just think outside the box
for a sec, brainstorm.

Let's make it memorable.
If it's only one time, let's do it up.

- Okay.
- Maybe you go down on her, dude.

Don't be selfish, don't be a sexist.

You don't like that?

- Why not?
- It smells.

Oh, I- Yeah, I bet it does.

She's always eating all that
weird stew and roots and shit.

- What about ATM?
- I would stay away from ass-to-mouth.

You don't know what'll affect
her immune system.

They have different bacterias
and biological things here.

It's just for safety.

- Safety, okay, okay.
- Yeah.

Don't sit there like a dingleberry.
Get to it.

- Okay.
- Go get her, man.

- Okay.
- Go.

Ben Wa balls.

Guess who's sober.

Pat Anderson, what in the fuck
are you doing here?

I wrapped up treatment,
accepted a higher power...

...and now I'm here to knock out
that ninth step and make amends.

Why do people think
because we're in Mexico...

...it's cool to come into somebody's house
and wait for them?

I'm gonna cut to it, Kenny.
No bullshit, all truth.

I butt-fucked you hard.

But as a gentleman I've learned
to clean up my mess.

Check out that sweet-ass gift basket.

What, you think a mineral bath soak
is gonna pay for all the shit you did to me?

- There's an iPad in there, Kenny.
- Really?

Doesn't matter.

It's gonna take more than a Speak & Spell
to win yourself into my good graces.

Oh, yeah? How about a shot at the majors?
Would that do the trick?

Yeah, right.

Like I'm gonna fall for one of your
eight-figure contract deals again.

There's no contract, not yet.
It's just a shot.

But I heard about you playing
baseball down here.

There's a scout in Texas who owes me
a favor from my party days...

...and he agreed to come down here
and sniff you out.

I've been paying attention to what
you've been doing...

...and if you play half as well
as you have been...

...I think you've got a legitimate shot.

Your friend's wasting his time.

I don't play for the team anymore.
They cut me.

Look, you got every reason
in the world not to trust me.

But this could be
a game changer, Kenny.

Is there anyone you could talk to
about getting back on that team?

Well, there is one motherfucker.

Kumite.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Why is your voice raised
like a scared bitch?

I am not scared.
If anybody should be scared it's you.

For stealing my car and smashing up
my studio, all because I fucked your lady.

You think that's cool?

Do you know what is cool?

Paying people back.

You pull that Bruce Lee shit with me,
I'll steal that sword and fuck you with it.

No, don't write checks
that can bounce.

- My spreadsheets!
- Back up!

I'll take this goddamn computers
and put it through your face...

...like a disk of fucking Tron.

I'll deflect it and cut your arms off, then
cut your face before you know what's up.

Well, look at this, huh?

A goddamned Mexican standoff
in fucking Mexico.

I was hoping to get into one of these
before I left.

You are leaving, huh? You wanted to
come here first and try to kill me?

Not kill you. Kick your ass
and then ask for a favor.

Even though Vida's not the one,
you still went behind my back...

...and encouraged her to cheat on me.

Bro, I can't even get her
to call me back.

Which sucks because I thought
we had something special.

Yeah, well, I thought we had
something special too.

Looks like that's her
fucking game, huh?

I'm sorry, man.

I haven't been acting like myself.

It's been really hard to act normal.

I've been acting weird as shit, bro.

I act like it's no big deal
that my parents are dead...

...but it is a big deal. It hurts my heart.

I cry all the time in my bed by myself.

I know what you're talking about.

I used to be just like you yesterday.

Sad inside and compensating
by acting like a fucking cocksucker.

But I saw the light, dude. I've changed.

I want to see the light.
How did you do it?

Well, I went on a personal quest
and faced my demons...

...but for you the change
could be a lot easier.

- Tell me.
- Let me back on the team.

For one more game.

There's a scout coming...

...and I intend to fuck his world up
with my skills.

Or we could finish this duel
and murder each other.

No, I can live with like a truce.

If you want to play, you can play.

- I'm sorry, man.
- Come here.

If I can fucking nail
this baseball shit tonight...

...I'm going back to America
a goddamn champion.

Fucking three days away from
sucking on some big old titties.

Are those my clothes?

These are your pants and shorts.

Your tops we leave on hangers
so they don't get wrinkled.

Dude, don't get all OCD about this shit.
Just get it done.

Kenny, I was wondering...

...what is your policy
on last-minute passengers?

What last-minute passengers?

Wah-wah.

"Wah-wah" what?

I know technically I should be
asking Maria's father this...

...but in many ways I feel like you are
the father to all the Mexicans here...

...plus you are my spiritual leader,
you are my friend, you are -

- Dude, just- Jesus Christ, spill it. What?
- Okay.

I would like to ask you, Kenny Powers...

...permission to marry Maria
and bring her back to America with us.

- Marry her?
- Yeah.

Dude, I only told you
you could fuck her one time.

Technically, you guys are not
even supposed to be dating.

Yeah, I know. I know.

But I can't help myself.

It's like all I think about is her
and I don't know what to do about it.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Stevie, marriage is
a pretty big step, all right?

I mean, do you have any sort of plan
of how you'll provide for her financially?

I have no plan whatsoever.

And you do realize if you had offspring
they would be mixed children?

They could be made fun of
on the playground.

I was made fun of on the playground
and I turned out pretty cool.

You know what? Fuck it.

Just as I have found
what I'm looking for here...

...maybe it's time you found
what you're looking for.

Steven, if you would like
to take a Mexican wife -

Yes, I would.

If you can balance her
and your workload -

I think I can.

- Without neglecting duties -

I will never neglect my duties.

- Then you have my permission.

Thank you.

Maria has something that
she would like to give you.

Cool, a breadmaker.

I was getting pretty sick of eating
all these fucking tortillas.

That's a good, good gift.

No, that's just the box it's in.
It's homemade.

Oh, cool, a homemade gift.

I told her on the phone to make a black one
but she got confused.

Do you like it?

Hey, Kenny. You look different.

Yeah, obviously. I've been reborn.

You're kind of bright.
It's hard to look at you.

Yeah, well, people say Jesus Christ
had the same effect on fools.

These are the keys to the Denali.

If you find time I'd like you to fix it.

I had Stevie on the motherfucker
but he got derailed.

Now it's time for a professional.

Time for a Mexican.

- Where are you going all dressed up?
- I'm going to settle some scores.

Today I bring you freedom.

Freedom. Freedom.

Freedom.

Aw, Fucker!

There he goes! Look boss!

A man... In all white!

White.

Mexicans!

Oh, Mexicans!

For once in your life...

...get off your couches
and do something.

This is your last chance
to see Kenny Powers.

He lost the love of his life.

He went to Mexico for a change.

He met his father.

He got screwed over in love.

But the thing about Kenny Powers...

...is, when he faces adversity,
he moves past it.

Because once Jesus leaves the building...

...he is out of Mexico for good.

Hola, you two.

Nobody get crazy
and pop off and go loco.

I come in peace.

Tone, what's up?

Very sorry for what I exposed you to
last time we met.

I hope you can forgive me for that.

What do you want, Kenny?

Well, I thought you two
should know that...

...I'm moseying on back
to the old U.S. of A.

Looks like this gunslinger's work
is done here.

You a gunslinger?

The short answer to that, Tony, is yes.
Yes, I am.

You kill people?

And the short answer to that
is also yes.

- Okay.
- Listen to your mom, Tone.

That's a good kid.

How could you bring Tony
to Sebastian's?

I didn't know I was leading him
to watch his mama commit oral adultery.

I thought I was just bringing him there to
show him how self-centered you were being.

- What?
- None of this matters, all right?

Did you hurt my feelings?

Yes, you did. I will give you that victory.

But the one victory you will not have
is the most important.

I'll admit, that sweet tailpipe of yours
did have me charmed.

It put a spell on me.

But all the ass-magic in Mexico...

...can't change Kenny Powers
from his core beliefs.

Not an ass man. I'm a tit man.

I like big-ass boobs.

Now and forever.

I'm not like a black guy, Vida.

Congratulations.

Don't go getting your feelings hurt.

You and I both knew
this wasn't gonna last forever.

You're like the girl
the Godfather fucked back in Italy.

You know,
what we had was important...

...but the real deal
is waiting for me back at home.

I gotta go.

Adi?s, Kenny Powers.

Adi?s, bubble butt.

Shit.

Charros, I come to you tonight
with no theatrics.

Goddamn it, I thought you
were through with the Charros.

Yeah, I thought I was too.

But now I have returned
for one more fucking game.

I have Sebastian's blessing
and I was hoping to get yours.

But why? I don't even know
what baseball means to you anymore.

I deserve that.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't here
primarily to play for the scout...

...that is rumored
to be here tonight.

But there's also
a very small part of me -

Yet significant part.

- That would always regret
how I left things here with the team.

No. Okay?

Team, Roger...

...Benji, bat boy...

...I genuinely am sorry.

I brought you guys up
from less than fucking nothing...

...and took you up to a championship level,
only to abandon you there.

Leave you high and dry.

Naked and nude...

...prey, easy targets...

...for the competitions
to rape and butt-fuck you.

I'm sorry for that.

Actually, we've been playing
pretty good.

We've won the last three games, right?

Well, don't get too cocky, Roger.

That's probably because there's
a little residual Kenny Powers pixie dust...

...floating around your heads.

Let's face it, guys.

After midnight, this whole fucking place
turns into a pumpkin...

...and you guys all turn back into mice.

This is a classic Cinderella tale here.

You know, Peter Pan
will no longer be a man...

...he'll turn into real boy.

George Washington will never be able
to cut down the beanstalk.

You guys will eventually
just go back...

...to being the shittiest
Mexican baseball team in Mexico.

These are the hard realities, guys.

Life is not a fairytale.

Although sometimes it feels like
our world is full of fairies.

You know who I'm talking about.

I still accept you, brother.

Purity, that's what we all desire.

And that is what I've come here
to share with you, hence the all whites.

We can do some fucking great
things tonight, you guys.

Follow me...

...walk with me out onto that field...

...and when you do, you put your ass out
and raise your fucking head up.

Know that you'll never ever, ever reach
the heights that you're gonna reach tonight.

But you can leave here knowing...

...that you helped
Kenny Powers' dreams come true.

And for a bunch of
Mexican baseball players...

...that ain't too bad.

If you're gonna play tonight...

...you're gonna play like everybody else.

No donkey, no smoke bombs,
no dick thrusts.

Just pure pitching.

I can fucking dig that.

We're all Mexicans tonight, Kenny.

You're goddamn right we are.

Can we bring it in? Can we bring it in?

Come on, bring it in.

Let's do, like, a Mexican fucking chant.
Come on!

Let's kick some ass! We're Mexican!

Mexico! Mexico! Mexico!

I'm a fucking Mexican tonight!

I'm a fucking Mexican!
I'm a fucking Mexican!

All right, I'm gonna go change my clothes.
I don't wanna get shit on my slacks.

Ladies and gentlemen here we are at
the stadium for tonight's game

and we're about to see...

a man who is finally a pitcher,

Kenny 'Powders'.

Not a clown, but a man who is here
to take care of business.

Strike!

Strike!

April's tits.

You're out!

You're the best! You are The Man!

I'm your # 1 fan!

Finally, motherfuckers.

Hey, great juego, homes.

Take it easy, Carlos.

See you, Juanito.
Take care of them warts.

You threw a hell of a game, Kenny.

Game ball.

Thanks, Roger.

I'll put this with my collection
of personal achievements.

I mean, not right next
to the good shit but still.

Kenny Powers!
Sweet-ass game, motherfucker.

I'm so proud of you, man.

All right. Too hot for hugs here, man.

I've been battling the war on swamp ass
since I've been here.

Put talcum powder on the grundel,
keep it fresh.

- Talcum?
- Yes, sir.

Roy McDaniel, scout from Texas.

Like what I saw out there tonight.

You weren't bullshitting.

I was not. This is the scout from Texas.

P- A-T told me you were
throwing grenades down here.

I got in my Escalade.

To Mexico? That's when you came.

- To see you.
- To see me.

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.

What do you think?
Does Texas want a fucking taste?

Well, they want to nibble, all right?

There is a difference between mowing down
Mexicans down here...

...than mowing down the big boys
up in major leagues.

Yeah, they don't speak
the same language.

It's a different level of player but -

But still, it's still very difficult.

- It's very hotter down here.
- You look good.

I don't think you're ready
for the bigs yet.

- I don't, but -
- Pat, you motherfucker.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Wasting my time again?

Don't motherfuck Pat.

Pat's been on your side.

No. You don't know the history.
Pat has fucked me.

Just listen to the man,
listen to the man.

I was ready to go home,
get the girl of my dreams.

- Came here wasting time -
- Kenny Powers.

Pat got you in the door,
he got me down here.

I came with good news.

Myrtle Beach.

You come there, show me the stuff
you got on the mound tonight...

...in camp, I don't see why
you can't play for our double A team.

- Double A, huh?
- Double A.

So we're talking minors?

We're talking camp, then minors.

We're talking come to the team,
throw one game...

...show everyone what I got,
into the bigs.

Probably more than one game, to be fair.

Maybe two games,
smoke them into the bigs.

Maybe more than two.
What I'm saying is you'll be on your way.

I'm talking about getting you back
into American baseball.

All right, well, that does sound enticing.

You gotta trust me.
I'm not down here to tickle fucking balls.

I hope not.

I chased my dream, I got it.

I sucked my dream's cock.

I'm gay, and I'm fucking proud of it.

No, that's cool.
You know, pride is great.

Whatever raises your skirt.

If you wanna wear a skirt
I'm not gonna fucking judge you for it.

You wanna get back in big leagues?

- I'm ready.
- Follow me.

I like how we talk. Fucking lick it.

Spring training, Myrtle Beach.

Kenny, it is time to quit tickling balls
and start sucking your dream's dick.

If that's what it takes, then
a cocking dream it will be sucked upon.

- Swallow that motherfucker.
- Swallow it.

- Suck it, suck the dick.
- Eat it.

Let's suck my dream's dick.

- Fight on it, big boy!
- I like this guy.

We gonna party in Myrtle Beach?

- Suck a dream's dick.
- Let's party tonight.

I wish I could.

I got some Mexican cake
at my hotel room.

- I'm in.
- Let's fucking smear it all over each other.

We're fucking celebrating, man.
Let's do this.

I got a mission to complete.

- See your ass in Myrtle Beach.
- Myrtle.

- Kenny Powers.
- Myrtle, K.P.

Chapter 17: Done and Fucking Done.

Just like that the journey is over.

Depression is finished,
you're on your way back...

...to the world of the living,
smiling regular people.

The road has been paved with dickheads,
backstabbers and pains in the fucking ass.

But memories were made,
allies were had...

...pole smokers were toppled...

...and the truth was discovered.

And like any journey,
if you stay the course...

...the road might just
show you what you need.

All you gotta do is
keep your eyes on the road...

...and your foot on the fucking gas.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I mean did I like it
how it was before, regular style? Yes.

But I'm sure I'll get to like
this style too, man.

- Change is good, my friend.
- That it is.

You're a good neighbor, hombre.

You can take that with you to the grave.

Look at these two little banditos.

I know we didn't always agree on music
or leisure sports but I am gonna miss y'all.

Slap it there. There we go.

Put it there, buddy. Put a shirt on, man.

I got something for you.

He's yours.

Whenever I look at a Mexican
I will think of you.

Whenever you look at that jackass,
you think of me. Okay?

Miss you, buddy.
They'll take care of you.

Come on, he's yours.

Here, come on, get on him.

Just be careful about the back legs.

He will kick you in the face. I'm serious.

All right, guys, come on,
time to make tracks.

- Time to go.
- Catuey's wife, grandma lady...

...I know that we always
didn't communicate.

I don't think we ever really got over
that language barrier.

No, it's not your fault.

- What the fuck? You speak English?
- Of course I do.

You've spoke English the whole time?

I speak English since I was 5.

- Five years old?
- And I have 84 now.

You don't look a day over 110.

All the talks we could've had,
all the wisdom you could've shared.

Crazy I find this out right now,
as soon as I'm leaving this fucking country.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.
- Thank you.

Stevie, Maria, let's dance
our way on out of here, huh?

- Gotta go.
- Gotta go. Let's do it.

- Adi?s, you guys.
- Adi?s.

I love you too.

I love you too.

Bye, Catuey.

Adi?s, Mexico.