Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Chapter 5 - full transcript

Skillfully adjusted by Longanimit?.
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-Burn them all.
-Kenny, what are you doing here?

I need a tape recorder with a microphone.
I need to record something.

I have a cracked version of Logic Pro 8--

-I don't fucking care. Just set it up.
-Okay.

I'm so glad you came over.

Okay, so I can have the EQ optimized
for what you wanna do.

I just need to know,
are you gonna be singing?

I'm not gonna be fucking singing,
all right?

I'm laying down my new audio book.

No writing, just spoken words.
The old-fashioned way.



There anything special
you want me to name the file?

Name the file "Press record now
before I smash your fucking face in."

Okay. And we're rolling.

When my ass was 34 years old,
I quit professional baseball.

I haven't played professionally
for several years now...

...but in my heart...

... I quit for real this time.

Tonight.

It's time I accept the fact
that the glory days of my life...

...are now behind me.

Just like Neil Armstrong...

...I went to space
and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit.

Therefore,
I will now settle into this new life.

I will find new ways
in which to use this arm.



I will take my current responsibilities
seriously...

...and try to do them
the best that I possibly can.

And realizing that the love of my life
has chosen another...

...I will move forward...

...without her.

I do all these things
not because I want to...

...but because I have to.

From this moment forward...

...Kenny Powers is just like everyone else.

Normal.

Not special.

No hopes.

No dreams.

Pretending to be happy
when he's really super sad.

Just an average guy
with exceptional hair...

...nothing more and nothing less.

From this moment forward...

... the people's champion...

... the Shelby Sensation...

... the Reverse Apache Master...

... the man with the golden dick...

...Dr. Cock 'n' Balls...

...that Kenny Powers...

... is now dead.

And he will never pick up a baseball...

...ever fucking again.

Chapter two:

"The Next Chapter."

Well, she's hot but she's a bitch.

Yeah, but it looks like you got--
Gave her muscles.

No, no, she ain't got no muscles.

You should make this tit bigger
than that one.

No, that's-- That's-- That's--

-Excuse me. Dusty Powers?
-Yes, ma'am.

Why is this indigo tile darker
than the indigo tile that I ordered?

Darker?
I ordered the product number you gave me.

So this tile right here
looks just like what we ordered?

-Yeah, it--
-Are you retarded? Are you stupid?

Are you--? Are you an idiot?
What the fuck are you staring at me for?

Listen, Dusty, I flip houses for a living.

They are going to do a reality show on me
once the market, you know....

-But anyway, I use a very specific--
-Sorry about that.

-What?
-I said, I'm sorry about that, the show.

Are you smart-mouthing me?

No. That-- He-- I'm sorry too.
A reality show would be really cool for you.

How am I gonna take care of this?
Know how much this is gonna cost?

Yes, ma'am.

I'll accept full responsibility
and cover any cost on the tile.

How am I supposed to flip this thing
if I have the wrong tile?

You gave me a product number,
and that's what I ordered.

-That's Aubergine--
-Sorry, I have to take this.

Sure. Aubergine 316.

Kenny Powers, can I help you?

-What's up, dawg?
-Goddamn it, this isn't a good time now.

Oh, really?

I thought it was always a good time
to get rich.

-What are you talking about?
-Got a call from Ashley Schaeffer today...

...and he was talking big money, Kenny.

I'm talking $500, half of that in cash...

...half of it in coupons
to local businesses, baby.

Cancel it. I'm not interested.

Okay, well,
he thought you would say that...

...and wanted me to tell you
he has security footage...

...of you throwing that cinder block
through that BMW window.

Okay, on second thought,
tell him I will take that meeting...

...but make sure he knows
I'm not coming there for business.

I'm coming there as Kenny Powers the man,
not the legend, the one he's pissed at.

Okay. Good strategy, Kenny.

I appreciate you picking up
when I called too.

Kenny?

Wow, pretty impressive.

Too bad all these people showed up
to see a man who no longer exists.

-Don't be afraid to look at the cars.
-Oh, shit.

-There you go.
-Who's Reg Mackworthy?

My arch fucking nemesis.
Come on, let's bolt.

There he is, the man with the golden arm.
Kenny Powers, how the hell are you?

Schaeffer, you asshole.
What is all this shit? You set me up.

Hey. Kenny Powers. How's it going, man?

-Pretty good until I saw your black ass.
-Oh, now.

It's been a long time
since I've seen you around.

Matter of fact, last time I saw you,
I ended your career.

-Oh, yeah.
-No, you didn't.

I ended my career myself a week ago,
on my own.

Oh, so you double-retired?

Can you feel the tension? I can.

I can feel it down in my plums.
They're getting a nice bluish hue.

Getting ready to take them
to the farmers' market.

If I recall correctly,
the last time you guys met...

...one of you hit a grand slam.

The other one
walked out of baseball forever.

And now here you are, reunited.

-It's like a goddamn Greek tragedy.
-What you talking about, Ash?

Some sort of pitching competition,
some shit straight out of The Natural:

Whammer and Hobbs,
right here, right now.

-Ashley Schaeffer BMW.
-Hell, yeah.

Ashley Schaeffer BMW.
Ashley Schaeffer BMW.

No, there's not gonna be
any goddamn face-off, all right?

I've quit baseball.
I've retired, put that behind me.

I'm just a regular American,
just like the rest of y'all.

So no pitching.

Throw the ball,
I knock it out of the dealership.

-Everybody's happy.
-Give them a show, Powers.

Yeah! Burn his ass, Kenny.

Kenny Powers' days
of burning ass are done.

And that's not a homosexual reference.

I made a promise to myself...

...and I'm not gonna break it
for the sake of capitalism.

-So sorry.
-Come on.

Kenny. Hey, hold on, man.

I know where you at, man.
You had it all, and now it's gone.

It's torn a hole in your soul
bigger than my Escalade.

So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol,
the pornography...

...freebasing with O.J...

... human trafficking...

...dogfights-slash-orgies...

...darkness.

Let me tell you something as a man who's
come through the dark and into the light.

I can assure you that the will of the Lord
is not limited to just me.

If you need me, I'm here for you.

Not just as a friend...

...as a brother in Christ.

That's his enemy. His enemy.

And that's the compassion
he shows for him.

The man you're trying to save is dead.

You're wasting your time.

You're a good man, Kenny Powers.
God loves you.

-He's gotta open his heart.
-No, thanks.

That was amazing.
You gotta make a tape series out of that.

If you need financing for that,
you tell me.

Stevie, this new direction
my life is taking me is really--

It's got me thinking.

-About what?
-About me and you.

Really? I like that.

Like, in a good way,
you're thinking about us?

I wouldn't say that.

I think I'm gonna have to let you go.

Kenny, don't do this, okay?
This isn't happening.

The important thing is for you to know
this isn't your fault.

This is not about you, it's about me.

It's all an extension of me finally realizing
I'm not the man I thought I was...

...and just kind of moving on from there.

Okay. Fine.

I am not your assistant anymore.
I will just be your friend.

I wish it was that easy,
but if we were to hang out again...

...I would just constantly be tempted
to get you to do shit for me.

I'd have to fight that real hard.

Right now that's a battle
I don't think I can win.

I hope we get in a car wreck
right now, I do.

I hope we get in a fucking car wreck.

A motherfucking car wreck,
and we both die...

...and then we can live in heaven.

I'm not gonna get into a car wreck,
because I'm an excellent driver.

You're excellent at everything.
I fucking hate it.

I think maybe we should just sit here
quietly now, not say anything...

...and let you just contemplate
on the news I just dropped on you...

...and let me kind of just contemplate
on my own pains and sorrows right now...

...perhaps while I listen to this music.

-Enjoy your books.
-I will. I appreciate it.

-Hey, Kenny.
-Hey, how's it going, April?

-You got glasses.
-Yeah.

They make you look different.

Yeah, well, they're not real.
I just figured I might as well look the part.

The part of what?

Just a normal, regular teacher
with no hopes or dreams...

...absolutely nothing, just waiting to die.

-Just like you guys.
-Hey, listen.

We haven't had a chance to talk
about what happened at the whole cookout.

No reason to.

A lot's changed since then,
so we don't really need to rehash all that.

I just want you to know
I'm not mad at you.

April, stopping that night when I did,
that was the right thing to do.

-I realize that now.
-You didn't really stop.

I did. I made a moral choice, April.

-But you didn't really stop.
-I did.

-I stopped us before things got out of hand.
-A lot of men do what you did, so--

-Make moral decisions?
-Fuck you, bitch!

Girls! Girls!

Enough. Right now. Enough.

Hey. Hey. Chill, chill, chill.

You do not hit a fucking lady,
do you hear me?

-Now apologize to Miss Buchanon.
-Sorry.

You wanna fight, do it on your own time,
in a parking lot somewhere.

Not in a school, surrounded by books.

You okay?

Where'd they get you?

By the mouth.

-Right here.
-Right there?

Oh, my God, April, what happened here?
Are you all right?

-No.
-Oh, no.

-Yeah, those bitches hit her in the face.
-Those are students, so....

She's in your hands now.

-So treat her right.
-Okay, I will, Kenny. Thanks.

She's a princess.
She deserves to be treated like one.

Oh, of course.
I understand that. Yes. Yep.

You gotta respect her mind
just as much as her body.

Oh, yeah. Well, I can do that.

I appreciate this talk. That's great.

-You'd better remember it.
-Yeah.

Because I won't repeat it.

What...?

What's happening right now?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...

...about how, basically, I'm in the autumn
of my life and it's high time to get serious.

This may sound crazy...

...but maybe it's time me and you
take this thing to the next level.

Settle down. Who knows?
Maybe even have a kid.

I got a kid.

-You have a kid?
-I got two kids.

I got Kendra and I got....

I got Efrain. Fuck, my pussy itches.

Let's put a pin in this, shall we?

Just-- We'll just--
We'll come back to this, okay?

-SoCo?
-No. A warm glass of wine.

-We don't have wine here.
-Clegg here?

-The fuck do you want?
-You Clegg?

Maybe.

Then again, maybe not.

I will fuck you up, motherfucker.

That's not what I was insinuating
by my body language.

I was just saying,
welcome to Shh-Boom Shh-Booms.

Now, look,
whichever of you two faggots is Clegg...

...I got the money.

-Oh, wait, you're the bodyguard.
-Yeah, yeah, that's right.

-Bodyguard.
-Listen, now.

Can we take care of this shit out back?

-This bar smells like an old lady farted piss.
-That's gross.

Hey, just out of curiosity...

...whose body needs a dude like you
to guard it?

Well, lookie here.
Mr. I-Done-Turned-My-Life-Around.

I thought you were Christian now.
What the hell are you doing buying cocaine?

Fuck all that bullshit.
That's just theatrics.

People don't wanna see
a washed-up party animal.

They want a story about redemption.

I knew you were working
some kind of angle.

You're goddamn right. Near lost my money
after the league kicked me out...

...for them bullshit-ass gambling charges.

My paper looking real good nowadays.

You know what I'm saying?

Hell, Ashley gave me 10 grand.

-Ashley Schaeffer paid you $10,000?
-Yeah, nigga.

That's cool.

I'm not into whoring myself out for money.
That's just me.

Well, I'm happy for you, Kenny, man.

Apparently you got over
all this baseball shit, man.

Good for you.
Looks like you turned over a new leaf.

I did. You should try it sometime.

Let me ask you one question, though.

When did you become...

...such a pussy?

Like, I mean, you was always, like, a pussy,
don't get me wrong.

But now you're just like a vagina
with a mullet...

...just walking around this motherfucker.

Forecast is for snow treats.
Let's roll, baby.

Yeah, let's get the fuck up out of here.

Oh, by the way, I'm signing autographs
at the dealership all week...

...so come on down
if you decide to grow a pair.

Or if you just want an autograph.
I'll sign you something.

Let's go.

Peace.

Peace, pussy.

I think it's coming along pretty good.
What do you think?

Yeah, it looks pretty awesome.

All right, down here
at Ashley Schaeffer BMW all day...

...where prices are being slashed
all over the place.

If that's not enough,
this is the last day we got Reg Mackworthy.

So bring your butts on down
to Ashley Schaeffer BMW.

Outstanding. Reg, I heard a rumor...

...about some pitch-off
between you and Kenny Powers.

The rumors are just rumors, man.

We asked Kenny to come down,
help me with a demo...

...but, you know, let's just say
Kenny Powers is crippled by fear.

-It's cool.
-No. No, negatory there, Javier.

El "pository," Javier. Keep it on.

Don't turn that shit off on account of me.
I don't care what they're saying.

-What's this about a pitch-off?
-Nothing.

You know,
just something from my old life.

But I don't compete anymore.
Just not gonna do it.

I'm just like you now, Dustin,
just kind of calm and weak.

You think I like busting my back and
taking shit from rich motherfuckers all day?

-Because I don't.
-Can we please just drop this?

-I'm trying to move on.
-Move on? Move on to what, Kenny?

-Teaching school?
-Well, if it isn't Ass and Wipe.

Can one of you pig-fuckers please tell me
why I'm looking at two-by-fours...

...instead of paint and trim?

Must I remind you to stop messing around?
This isn't Dollywood.

I believe the reason
you're looking at two-by-fours...

...is because of fuck you.

-You can't talk like that.
-I'll talk any way I want.

Want that job done faster?
Do it your fucking self. We're leaving.

-What about my sunroom?
-Fuck your fucking sunroom.

Javier, Tom, no m?s tomorrow.

Where do you think you're going?

Ashley Schaeffer fucking BMW.

Whoa, whoa, we're going...?

Come on, Kenny. All right?

-To BMW?
-Hell, yeah, let's go.

-Hey. Hey.
-"Hey" nothing, you city bitch.

Fucking rednecks.

I'm tired of having to correct
you guys' mistakes.

Did you guys not get that memo?
Yeah, I said no fucking clowns.

Fuck, everyone's here.

Oh, shit. I can't do this.
I'm about to have a fucking panic attack.

-I need four Xanax and two Miller Lites.
-No, you can do this.

Listen, you haven't seen my pitch. I have.
My pitch fucking blows, okay?

-I'm gonna get killed.
-No, listen.

-Lookie here.
-Hold on.

Look whose mama let him come out
and play today.

Well, well, well.

The former star decides to take once more
to the sky.

Shut the fuck up, Ashley.
This isn't about you. It's about me and him.

It's always been about me, Kenny,
your entire career.

It would be my honor to end it twice.

-Look him in the eye.
-Oh, I'm looking him in his eye.

-It's all in the eyes. Don't blink.
-What you got?

-Stone-cold.
-Yeah, they are.

Piercing through your ass.

This is what I'm talking about,
a fucking showdown.

Potential Ashley Schaeffer BMW buyers,
is that what you want?

Is that what you want?

-I don't cry, motherfucker.
-Let me tell you something.

I had a dream about this moment...

...when I was making love
to my wife, Darla...

...on top of her...

... powerful thrusts
filling the sultry night air.

Heavy breath.

My son Gabriel walked in. Little boy.

My wife sprung out of bed, said,
"Gabriel, leave."

I said, "No, honey.
Shut your mouth. Let him watch.

Let him watch
what is being consecrated here."

And I want the people to watch
what's gonna be consecrated here.

And I will bring my son down here
and he will watch.

He will watch you two battle it here...

...you two becoming one.

Okay?

This isn't a game anymore.

-This isn't a game.
-You sure you wanna do this?

Whatever needs to be set up
for a pitching contest...

...set that shit up.

The rumors are true. In one hour,
Reg Mackworthy will be facing off...

...against Shelby's bad boy,
Kenny Powers...

...right here at the one and only
Ashley Schaeffer BMW.

Slap those saddles. Get on down here.

-You're listening to 103.5.
-Get my ears.

Oh, boy, that B12 shot is really kicking in
right about now.

I just feel loose and limber.
I feel like Superman.

-Well, you're gonna be great.
-I know.

-I'm the only real athlete here.
-Well....

So glad I shaved down.
That was a good move, right?

-Me too. I'm glad too.
-Yeah, well....

Well, I will see you in an hour 12.

-All right.
-Maybe an hour 1 1.

-Okay, good luck.
-Okay, goodbye.

I'm not gonna need it.

Competitors, take your starting positions.

On your mark.

-Get set.
-You ready?

-Go.
-Now.

-How much you putting down?
-Reg. Reg all the way.

You get those fucking 'roids?

No, but I got something a little better.

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense.
I got a fucking duel to go to.

Just a little piece of heaven
I like to call OxyContin.

-Clegg, OxyContin?
-Yeah.

Man, I'm not trying to get fucked up.
I'm trying to strike this motherfucker out.

Well, man,
that shit's hard to get on short notice.

-Know what? Fuck this.
-Clegg, wait.

I didn't mean I didn't want some for later.

Think it'll keep fresh in my sock?

-I don't know. Do you get sweaty?
-Sometimes.

Kenny.

-You came back for me.
-No.

I never really left.

It's illegal. We shouldn't have it just out.
But thank you.

What a great day to be here, huh?

Come on, everyone, I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.

Shut up. Okay, shut up.
Shut up, I'm in control. I'm in control.

Let me explain what's going on.
This is a contest of skill.

Sixty feet 6 inches
from the rubber mound...

...all the way to the plate there, okay?

One at bat. Three strikes, four balls.

-Hey, no bunts. No bunting.
-Nobody gonna bunt.

-I'm gonna knock it to the fucking moon.
-Yeah, you got this, baby.

If Powers strikes him out,
then 40 percent off a pre-owned BMW.

-How does that sound?
-Forty percent.

You're gonna have to pay 40 percent, man,
40 percent.

If Mackworthy knocks it out of the lot...

...then the same everyday Ashley Schaeffer
BMW famous low prices, okay?

Either way, you're a winner.
Either way, you're a winner.

I'm losing money right now.

So, what are they doing?

-It's a pitch-off.
-What's that mean?

Kenny gets a second chance
to smoke this prick.

Let's get this thing going. Come on.

Lord, give me the strength
to knock the demons out of that ball.

-Amen.
-Amen.

Come on, Kenny.

All right, Kenny!

Come on, Kenny. Go, Kenny.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Powers, you know I'm the one
you're supposed to throw it to, right?

-Right here, come on.
-Good luck, Kenny.

I feel 10 feet tall right now...

...and strong as an ox.

-Who the fuck is this guy?
-Hey, who the fuck are you?

-Who the fuck are you?
-Okay, I like it. All right.

Keep it down, man.

Come on, Kenny.

Hey.

Come on, you sack of shit.

Throw him something
he's got an honest chance of hitting.

Unless maybe you can't anymore.
That's my game.

Dick-slapping's my game.

It's all right, everyone. Come on.
It's all right. Here we go.

Sorry about that, Reg.

Trash it out. Here we go, Kenny.

-You came.
-Here we go, Kenny, here we go.

I heard it on the radio.

-So does this mean...?
-Here we go, Kenny, here we go.

I just want you to know
that I've been thinking a lot...

...about, you know,
what happened at the cookout.

Can we talk about it later,
when everyone's not around?

We were there,
and then we were touching each other...

...and I saw those tits
and I started feeling your ass...

...and I started breathing heavy
and almost got a headache.

Then my vision started to go all colorful.

-Then I just came in my pants.
-Okay.

But I won't do that again.

Can we finish this or are you just gonna
yackety-yak with Tits-And-Legs?

Hey, she's more than a pair of tits
with legs, Mackworthy.

-Oh, yeah?
-Well, maybe after I hit this shit to Beijing...

-Yeah.
-...I'll see what else she got.

-Yeah, that's right.
-And I'll show you how a real man comes.

You premature ejaculator.

Throw the fucking ball, man.

Let's go. Bang on.

Come on, Kenny, strike his ass out.

I want it. I need it.

One hundred and one.

God, help him.

-Motherfucker.
-You okay, Mackworthy?

You knocked his fucking eye out.

You're goddamn right I did.
I was aiming for his fucking eye.

-I got my pitch back.
-Yeah!

Goddamn deal's off.

No discount on account of tragedy.
No discount.

Get paper towels
and ice from the snow-cone machine.

-Clean that eye up.
-Schaeffer! Suck a fat one!

Fuck you.

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