Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Chapter 2 - full transcript

This sucks dick.

I hate swimming.

Oh, just shut up and give me
a hand with this shit.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like?

- I'm hiding the Jet Ski.
- Why are you hiding the Jet Ski?

Because I told Dustin-
Look, I can't talk with you...

...with your tits hanging
out like cabbages.

- Just give me a hand with this.
- Screw you.

You threw me in the fucking lake, Kenny.

Fine.



Now, I think your body is awesome.
You got great tits.

But I'm a little concerned
about your bill of health.

I insist upon you
using some sort of protection.

Got a dental dam in the glove
compartment of my truck.

- You can grab that.
- What the fuck's a dental dam?

A rubber for your mouth.
It's not that big of a deal, okay?

And besides,
it's not just for my protection.

You don't know what shit I got either.

Pakistani?

- That's what he told me.
- Whoa.

How does somebody manage
to get ambushed on a Jet Ski?

I don't know. I guess they jumped them
and rode off with it.

Yeah, but I mean, it's a lake.

There ain't exactly places
to sneak up on somebody from.



You'd need scuba gear.

- I don't know, Dustin.
- Snorkel, maybe.

What's he out there doing?

Actually, I think he's in training...

...for the majors.

Oh, going back to the majors.

All right, boys.

Let's get back into baseball, okay?

Wayne, keep that pistol
aimed at the strike zone...

...because that is
where this bad boy's going.

All right. Fly as I say fly.

Do as I say do.
Master and commander.

And the crowd goes crazy.

- Sixty-eight.
- What did I tell you, man?

Don't read the readout.
That's my own private information.

Why didn't you hit the target?

Because at the last moment,
I decided not to.

I decided to go for that birdbath
your dad put in there just-

I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole
to you guys, okay?

Just please work with me here.

I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys.

I'm just disappointed with my arm...

...and how it's trying
to butt-fuck me back here.

- I hated that birdbath.
- I broke that for you. I knew you hated it.

We're the same. I hate that thing too.

A stork wrapped around a tree branch.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever seen before.

You know, that's how the plague
started back in the day.

It was from a little disgusting birdbath
in someone's backyard...

...that rats made sex to birds in it
and created a whole new type of AIDS.

It's important. One time,
I was invited to come to a social gathering.

I was paid a handsome
amount of money.

I brought a shotgun
and a bottle of Tanqueray...

...and showed them the best time
they've ever seen.

A humongous part about being a celebrity
is cashing in on it...

...making shitloads of money,
having expensive, luxurious things.

That way, in case one day
you're not famous...

...you could still be rich as hell
and better than everyone around you.

Wait a second. Is Kenny Powers
walking around my showroom?

- Quite possibly.
- How are you doing?

- Who am I speaking to?
- Ashley Schaeffer, Ashley Schaeffer BMW.

- Damn fine to meet you.
- Okay.

- I take it you own this place.
- I sure do.

My name's on the goddamn building.

I thought Ashley Schaeffer
was gonna be a woman.

I love women.
I'll take that as a compliment.

Take it as you will.

- I will.
- You should.

I am. I'm taking it.

- Pretty nice showroom you got.
- Thank you. We have a lot of pride.

We've done a lot of work lately.
Complete renovations.

We got beautiful cars.
Beautiful surroundings.

- Yeah.
- Beautiful women.

- Oh, yeah. They are pretty hot, huh?
- They're my closers.

Yeah, they help people
who are slightly hesitant to buy cars.

- So if you happen to be a man...
- Yeah.

...Ashley over there will suck your dick.

I like how you work.

If you happen to be a woman...

...Scott will finger you with his penis.

That's the kind of fun and games
we have around here.

Oh, you get it done?

Whoa! Okay. That's not what you do,
not in my neighborhood.

We do around here. We also do this.

- No, that's not-
- That's what we do here.

- We're having fun.
- Okay.

- It's so good to have you in here.
- I'm gonna cut to the chase.

- Please, do.
- I'm an athlete.

But I'm also a businessman.

- You got a classy joint here.
- Yeah.

And you're trying to lure costumers in
with a caveman spinning a sign around.

It's actually technically an orangutan.

Well, just seems to me
an establishment such as this...

...could go for an overhaul
in the advertising spokesman game.

I'm talking about a real celebrity,
not some sign-spinning fucking monkey.

I'm talking about goddamn me
in the store...

...live, uncut, in person.

Bringing in the customers,
lubing the deals.

Holy shit!

This must be my goddamn
fucking lucky day.

First off, Kenny Powers
walks into my showroom.

Then he says he wants
to do a personal appearance.

It's goddamn amazing!

Yeah.

Yeah, I got a lot of star power.

And I think it would make this night
a grand success.

And I think it'll only cost you 2 grand.

Yeah, I'm gonna pay you 100 bucks.

You sure you don't wanna maybe
meet in the middle somewhere?

How about 200 bucks?

- Two hundred bucks to come-?
- Two hundred bucks, cash.

And a blowjob.

- Fuck you, man.
- Yeah, okay.

- Fuck you.
- Just kidding.

Hey, guys, bring the fucking ape in here.

Good morning, Kenny.

Now, part of becoming
a professional athlete...

...is being strong and fit.

Another part is staying strong and fit.

That is a part that
I myself am currently involved with.

Example A:

I can stand to lose four, maybe five pounds
to get back in practical game condition.

No shit.

- What did you just say?
- Nothing.

Let's do this.
I got my two favorite students here.

They're gonna spot me
252 pounds of pure steel.

Let's pump some iron, bitches.

Okay.

Take this serious, guys.

You can get hurt
if you're not strong enough, okay?

Okay. Watch, class.

Masculine strength.

One, two, three.

Okay, yeah, help me. Help me out. Okay.

All right, back up, back up. Get away.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck me!

Spot me, goddamn it!

Get it off of me!

Yo, what's happening over here
with the babes?

- Fall dance.
- Oh, a dance, huh?

Would you like to buy a ticket?

All the profits go toward
Phillip's hospital bills.

Who the fuck is Phillip?

He's one of our students here.
He has brain cancer.

- I've never seen that kid.
- "Spina diffia," I think.

Whatever the fuck any of that stuff is,
I don't know him.

He gets a dance?

No, I'm not going
to any depressing shit like that.

Too sensitive.

Okay, well, Kenny,
I hate to burst your bubble...

...but it looks like your name
is on the chaperon list.

I don't know anything about
a chaperon list. What is that?

It's right here and it says
that you're a teacher supervisor.

Are you asking me to this dance?

No, I'm not. I'm just saying
your name is on the chaperon list.

April, are you asking me to this dance?

No.

When is this dance?

- It's tonight.
- Tonight?

You mean, "tonight" tonight?

Fuck that noise.
I can't do anything tonight.

- I got some shit set up already.
- What?

- I'm hosting this celebrity event tonight.
- Really?

Yeah, I'm getting paid like 15 notes.

Okay, well, if you can't come,
you can't come.

You don't have to get upset.
I'm sorry I can't go to the dance with you.

You'll have to chalk this up to another
heartbreak, just like back in high school.

How much will y'all give me
if I slam-dunk this thing...

-... into the trashcan?
- Nothing. Nothing.

D- Ball, what are you doing, man?

Goddamn it, Kenny,
I'm brushing my teeth.

I need you to give me a ride.

- What's wrong with your truck?
- Nothing.

- I just need you to drive me around.
- Why?

Well, Schaeffer BMW is gonna pay me
a shit-ton of money...

...to make a little celebrity
appearance tonight.

Yeah. And, I don't know.

I just feel like it'll be stupid if I drive myself,
because I'm famous.

All right. I'll drive you there
and you can find your way back.

I need you to stay the whole time.
That's what drivers do.

Drivers don't drive you there
and then drive off.

If you're gonna do this,
you have to do it the full way.

- I might even need you to wear a uniform.
- Forget it, Kenny.

No one's gonna look down on you
because you drove yourself.

Now, close the door.
Get the fuck out of here.

What's with them yellow towels?
Those are pretty-

Give me that, motherfucker.

I saw your dick.

Give me that toilet paper, Kenny.

Come on, you wanna give me a ride?
Wanna be my personal chauffeur tonight?

- I got enough.
- That's not enough.

I smelled that motherfucker.
You need more.

You have crossed the line.
Give me the toilet paper now.

Fine.

Turtle-walk your ass out of here.
Thanks for nothing.

Kenny!

Kenny!

Man, this thing's got some power.

Don't rev my shit.
I'm trying to do something serious here.

I don't need you going
fucking maverick on me.

All right, it's up here on the left.

- Where?
- Clegg, to the left, dude.

- Where? There?
- The fucking place says Schaeffer BMW.

- Please, go left.
- All right, I got it, I got it.

Fuck you, asshole!

All right, here we are.

Man, this feels good, Clegg.

Did you take one
of those black beauties?

The ecstasy?

No, dude. This is a real job.

It's not like teaching kids.
You can't get fucked up.

What feels good is just this.

Back in the spotlight, man.

Right where I belong.

All right!
Kenny Powers is here, everyone!

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it. Keep going. Keep it going.

Kenny Powers. That's Kenny Powers.

He doesn't do this all the time.

Kenny!

- Turn around. Look at them, man.
- Hey, how's it going, guys?

Why'd you bring a football?

Shelby's bad boy
is back in business, huh?

Oh, yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Are you nervous tonight?
You feel a lot of emotions?

I feel 110 percent.
Ready to move some BMWs tonight!

That's it.

It's a big night.
What are you gonna go with...

...your fastball or your cut fastball?

Maybe a forkball?

Maybe just signing some balls instead.

- Signing some balls?
- Yeah.

It's not a microphone.

- It's not a microphone.
- I know.

We're just having fun. Come on.

- How's it going?
- You ready to get this thing going?

- Let's do it.
- Yeah. Scott.

Why don't you throw that on?

- What's this?
- That's an Ashley Schaeffer BMW polo.

- Put that on.
- Right now?

Yeah, right now.

No offense,
but I kind of think the all-black...

...is more indicative of
the Kenny Powers rebel persona.

Scott, heads up. Thank you.

Look, I paid you $200, okay?

I wanna see Ashley Schaeffer BMW
on your tit.

- All right?
- Whoa!

Easy. I don't play games like that.

This isn't a game.

All right, everybody,
who wants to meet Kenny Powers?

Kenny Powers.
What the fuck is up with you, man?

You know me.
Who am I making this shit out to?

Well, Kenny, my name's Kevin Hickman
and I want you to know...

...even though your career's hit
a real sour patch lately...

...I'm still your number one goshdarn fan,
man, 100 percent.

That's great. There you go, sport.
Take a hike.

Well, actually, the thing is, Kenny...

...I was wondering if maybe you might
burn one down the middle for me.

I brought my glove and it'd mean a lot.

Well, obviously, I'd love to,
you know, do that...

...but I don't think it would be fair
to the other people-

Oh, hell, Kenny, come on.

I think you're underestimating
your fan base.

I mean, who in their right mind...

...wouldn't wanna
see the Kenny Powers...

...give us a little display
of that God-given talent?

- All right!
- Who wouldn't wanna see that?

Well, the thing is, you know,
I didn't even warm the old whip up.

I got Polynesian sauce all over my fingers
from eating these goddamn egg rolls.

I'd hate if I slipped up and put a hole in
one of these top-of-the-line vehicles.

Nonsense! Come on, man!

I'm Ashley Schaeffer.
I got a whole lot full of goddamn BMWs.

Who wouldn't wanna see you
burn a hole through one, right?

- Yeah!
- The people wanna see it!

Yeah!

Yeah, come on!

- Here we go, okay?
- Take it easy on me.

Hell with that. Smoke that fool.

It's Kenny Powers. Come on, everyone.

- Come on.
- Go on.

Sorry, sorry. I can't do it.
Not gonna do it. Can't do it.

I'll be goddamned
if I fork out 200 bucks...

...and I'm flat-out denied
a single goddamn pitch.

Throw the damn ball.

Pitch was never part of the deal.

I'm sorry to be a stickler...

...but I throw one to him,
next thing you know...

...I'm at the grocery store, the bar,
the titty club...

...and every fucker I pass
is asking me to smoke one.

I can't open myself up to that.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think
Kenny Powers is afraid to throw a baseball.

Come on, it's been that long, huh?

- No.
- Forget your trade?

Come on, it's a simple motion,
just like that.

You got a little tendinitis or something?
Come on.

How about this: Roll it on the ground,
pretend like it's a bowling ball?

No, how about we just go back
and we'll sign the rest of the balls-?

How about you throw the ball, all right?

Come on. These people wanna see a show
and I don't wanna be embarrassed.

Well, you're doing a good job
of that on your own...

...just by how you fucking look.

I thought you were a baseball pitcher.

- Know what-?
- Thought you were a ball player.

- I am a ball player.
- Are you?

- I'm not a goddamn ape.
- Really?

- Yeah. I'm not-
- So far, I don't believe it.

You know what? Fuck you.

Fuck this, fuck all you people.

Good luck selling these stupid fucking cars.
I'm not helping you.

Hey, hey, hey. You know you're not
gonna get paid if you walk out of here.

Good Lord.

You're a loser. You are an ape.

Bye, Kenny. Bye, Kenny Powers.

Bye, Kenny.

Hey, fuck you, Kenny!

Clegg!

Clegg!

Clegg!

- Clegg!
- Kenny!

Kenny!

What are you doing?

What's up?

Dude, it's time to roll! Come on!

See? Look, I told you I know him.

- Kenny!
- Come on!

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Where were you?
Told you to wait in the car.

Why is there silver shit
all over your face?

I was hanging with those dudes
in the parking lot.

Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?

Are you crying?

No!

Do you still have that ecstasy?

He's with me. Don't bust balls.

My friends are here. They're-

Fucking awesome!

I'm not gonna get out
on that dance floor with you.

It would be inappropriate.
What is this?

Now you're gonna dance with her?

- That's different.
- I see how it is.

- Okay, come on, come on.
- I see how it is.

Hey, everybody really turned it out
for Phillip tonight, don't you think?

It's a pretty good party.

Pretty- All right.

- Hi, how are you?
- What are you doing here?

- I thought you had a big event.
- Yeah, I did.

I cancelled it. I'm not an ape.

I'm a professional ball player.

I need to be around people
who understand that.

Are you okay?
Because you're sweating a lot.

April, I gotta come clean, babe.

There's one image in my life
that consistently makes me happy...

...no matter when I think about it,
and that image-

That one image is your big tits.

- Oh, Kenny-!
- No, listen.

I'm not trying to be crude with you.
This is real.

This is me being honest with you.

You're inappropriate.

- Love is inappropriate sometimes.
- There are children present.

What a better place for me to say my love
than surrounded by little angels?

This is about real emotions.

This is about me loving you for real.

And not in a "just to make me come"
kind of way.

In a real way. All right.

If you won't listen to my words,
then listen to my dancing feet.

Oh, my.

Work, drugs.

Call a janitor.

Do you think he's okay?

Yeah, I think he just got overheated.

- You doing okay there, Kenny?
- I'm fine.

It was the egg rolls, not the ecstasy.

Okay. Well, we're gonna
get you a ride home, all right?

No.

Clegg!

Well, we raised a lot of money
for Phillip tonight, huh?

That was pretty good.

That's right, Stevie.

Clegg!

- Clegg.
- Everybody's gone, Kenny.

- He was supposed to wait for me.
- Who's that?

My driver.

You have a driver?

Of course, I do. I'm famous.

Oh, okay.
Well, why don't you come with me, Kenny?

- I'll give you a ride.
- No.

I'm going home.

Well, see you Monday.

Kenny. Kenny, stop.

You look like you could use a friend.

What'd you just say?

You look like you could use a ride.

Well, maybe I could.

Is that such a crime?

No, it's not a crime.

I'd give you a ride gladly, Kenny Powers.

Funny thing.

When you're on top of the world...

...every motherfucker wants
to get a piece of your ass.

But then you take a little time off
from being unstoppable...

...just to regroup and relax...

...no one will give you
the time of fucking day.

This face used to cash fucking checks.

And this dick...

I guess Kenny Powers
ain't what he used to be.

No, you- I can imagine.
I saw you lots on TV.

Your face did cash a lot of checks.

I don't know about the dick, though.

What the fuck is your name again?

Stevie. It's Stevie Janowski.

All right, Stevie Janowski.

I accept your offer.

Can we go
to Ashley Schaeffer BMW first?

Yes. Anything you want, Kenny Powers.

Anything at all.