EastEnders (1985–…): Season 1, Episode 6317 - Episode #1.6317 - full transcript

Kat's plan to help Billy goes awry.

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Hey, Kat.

Just had a call from Ritchie,

she wants to talk to me
about getting Raymond.

You sure about this?
Yeah.

I did say take it slow
though, didn't I?

You buying records?

Actually, it's your business,
I'll see you later...

You ain't even got a record player!

SHE GIGGLES

So, this the plan, is it?
It's a record.



A record?

Yeah, it's a black round thing
with a hole in the middle.

Tommy found it on a website.
It's really rare.

It's Dark Side of the Moon,
that's why he chose it.

Name? Moon?

Yeah, I get that,

but what I don't get
is what this has to do

with getting Billy out the car lot.

Right, you're going to plant that
on his stall,

and tell him it's from
a home clearance. He'll sell it,

then be back on his feet again.

So, how much is this thing worth?

Grand and half.

That's how much it cost.



You paid fifteen hundred quid
to help Billy out?

No, Phil did.
Oh, that was generous of him.

He don't know yet.

Not till he gets his credit card
statement, so keep it schtum, yeah?

And what if that dope Billy
knocks this out

to a punter on the stall
for £7.50?

Even he's not that stupid!

Is Nance still not back?

She has text me.

Well, what's she say?

Oh, she said that she was staying
with her mate.

Oh, what mates? Where? I don't know.

Well, at least she's texted, eh?

And she's getting over
a toerag of a bloke, I suppose.

And that hit and run...
Yeah, well,

you ain't going to have
to worry about all that for a while,

cos I ain't going to be here,
I'm going away for a few weeks...

So, you're actually going to
Thailand? Well, Magaluf first.

I met these girls and they've got
this last-minute rental villa thing.

Oh, and apparently,
there's enough men out there

that you don't have to share.
So, that's good, innit?

I've got an early flight from City
tomorrow morning,

so I'd better go and pack.

Er, hang on a minute, young lady!

What, what mates?

Where are you going?

We have to find somewhere cheaper,
you know that...

Not round here, we won't,
prices are off the planet.

Tell me about it,
look at this place!

That's next to the old Tumblers,
that is.

You could have bought
the whole block back then,

for what they want
for a single bedsit now.

Ain't heard that word for a while...

Some of the nights I had
in Tumblers...

Nightclub, back in the day...

You never said you were a Tumbler!

Hey, I still got my old
membership card here.

Have a look - number 902.

804. What a place, eh?
Never closed...

Never kicked you out,
didn't matter what time it was...

Only time it ever shut up shop
was when the khazi overflowed,

flooded the dance floor, remember?

Yeah, I had to swing to get to
the door. Unbelievable, it was.

But still, happy days.

You looking for a place, then?

Only Jack's into property,
Sonia's uncle.

I'm sorting out a plumber for him,
you know,

do a job, mates' rates,
maybe he'd do the same for you.

We've no chance,
even with mates' rates.

No chance? What you on about? That's
fighting talk, that is, young lady!

Anyway, come on, we don't want to
put you out, you hardly know us...

Hey! Your old man's a Tumbler!

That makes us practically
blood brothers!

I can still see that sign
above the door...

"A Night You'll Never Forget...

"..Even If You Can't
Remember It Tomorrow!"

LAUGHTER

Listen, I'll have a word.

Sweet!

We need more ketchup. Mm-hm.

How long is this going to go on for?

I mean, this ain't cold,
this is frostbite!

I'm giving him arctic
until he apologises properly.

He thinks that I would pawn
my own wedding ring.

What's his problem anyway?

I mean, it's your body,
you can do what you want with it...

Do you know what I mean!?
Don't matter how stupid it is.

DOTTY SNIGGERS

Look, you should see what he gets
like when he gets himself

a new pair of trainers,
he thinks he's the business.

That is all this is - it's just
something to make me feel good.

SHE SIGHS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Bobby. Listen, distract Billy
for me, all right?

Why? Just do it.

Billy!

Erm... That's a classy jacket
you got there.

BILLY: What?
You know, it...matches your...eyes.

My eyes are brown.

Yes.

Are you taking the mick?

No, no.

Erm...

And you can sling your hook as well
if you're not buying anything.

I would like to buy this,
but I can't afford it.

What you talking about?

You know this is a first pressing,
don't ya?

That is an LP, Jay.
Not an ironing board.

Yeah, but do you know
how rare it is?

What do you know about rare records?

Well, nothing about most of them,
but there's this bloke,

he comes in the car lot,
and he's a massive Pink Floyd fan,

he was telling me
all about this stuff.

And you know Janet, she's well
into her prog rock, isn't she?

Yeah, course I know Janet's into her
prog rock, that's why I got it,

that and the fact that it could
be worth a few bob...

A few bob?

Do you know one of these auctioned
at a music fair for over a grand?

Oh!

Game on...

Jack is a businessman.

Why would he do mates' rates
for someone he don't even know?

Kath, look and learn.

Oh!

Here, Jack, that plumber
I told you about,

he's calling in later,
said he'd text you a price.

Oh, good.
Tell him to bring a gas mask,

cos who knows what them students
have flushed down me drains.

And I've not only got you a plumber,

I've got you two new
tenants as well. Oh?

Only thing is - they'll looking
for something a little bit cheaper.

Well, you better get them
to keep looking,

cos that place cost me a fortune.
Jack, think about it.

That's the going rate.

And you are now paying it,
having to shell out for repairs.

These two are old school,

they'd treat the place
like it was their own.

And, yeah, you may get a bit less
each month,

but it'd probably save you
money in the end.

BANGS COUNTER

Win-win.

Not a bad idea,
but I've got a better one.

I get tenants who pay me what I want
and they keep my place clean.

Even more of a win-win, innit?

See you later.

See? I told you
he was a businessman.

What you doing later?

SHARON: Come on, Nancy.

This place ain't going to fall down
just cos I'm going on holiday.

People do normally give
some sort of notice, though.

If I'd known I was
this indispensable,

I'd have asked for a pay rise.

Is this because of Zack?

What? Look, I'm sorry things
didn't work out with him.

I'm not. We just hung out a couple
of times, it weren't even a thing.

PHONE RINGS

Anyway, I think I deserve to have

some fun after having to

endure his company.
You all right, Jode?

Yeah, are you at the Albert already?

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

MESSAGE TONE

Another bid's come in.

I said it was best putting it
online, didn't I?

Yeah, well, I was going
to do that anyway, wasn't I?

How's it getting on, then?

This new punter's
just bid 800 quid.

800 quid? Yep. That's still taking
the mick, that, Bill...

Yeah, I know.
I don't need you to keep telling me.

Cup of tea, please, mate.
Phil! Phil, have a look.

First edition, that is.

Pressing.
That's what I said, didn't I?

People are queuing up for that.

For some old record?
It's a collector's item, innit?

Is there something
in the air or what?

Cos Kat was... She was buying
records earlier and all.

PHONE BLEEPS
A grand! Someone's just bid a grand.

Tell you what,

you wouldn't catch me paying a grand
for an old thing like that.

CHUCKLES: Mind you, if it was Quo...
I like Quo!

Are you still here?

Yeah, all right, I'm going.

PHONE RINGS

Ritchie. Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way.

You what?

It'd be a nightmare, the two of us
living and working on the Square.

I thought you and your dad got on...

We wouldn't, if we were in each
other's pockets all the time.

Means we'd see more of each other.

Or is that the problem?

Course not.

Or is the problem
your dad seeing more of me?

He likes you.

Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a saint at the moment -

all this charity work
I'm doing for the elderly.

Get that Three Peaks out of the way,
it's the Marathon next.

Only I'm...

I'm not a saint.

And the more time
he spends on the Square,

the more chance there is
of him finding that out.

Finding out a lot of things.

I just want him to get to know you,
like I know you,

I told you this.

Before anything else
gets in the way.

We've got something
really special here, Bobby.

I don't want anything to spoil it.

OK?

DOOR OPENS

Bobby, give us
a hand here, will you?

What's all this? Dinner.

How many are you feeding?

Well, more than I thought
this morning.

They've really hit it off,
them two, haven't they?

Rocky has invited your dad
round for dinner tonight.

OK, OK, I'll head over there.

Thanks.

What's wrong?

Nancy's in even more of a mood now,
according to Sharon.

She reckons she's about to drink
the Albert dry.

It's no good for her,
acting like this.

I mean, she could trigger all sorts.

Leave her to me. I'll go.

BILLY: Yeah, so what it is, Janet,
see, it's all about instinct, see?

You go to some car-boot sale
somewhere, right,

and you see a pile of old LPs.

You start going through them,
and as you're flicking through,

all of a sudden, your fingers
stop at just the one.

So you pull it out, and as you do,

it's like this chill goes
right through you,

you know?

And that's when you know
you've got to have it.

It's so cool.
See, you've got it as well.

It's in the genes -
like father, like daughter.

Can I have it, please?

Oh, erm...

Thing is, sweetheart,
that one's sort of spoken for...

Please?

I, er, need a word with Denise.

Well, I reckon you two have
had too many words already.

Anyway, I can tell you
what the answer will be.

No.

PHIL SCOFFS

What, are you a mind-reader?

I don't need to be, I got
my ear to the ground, that's all.

And a little bird's been telling me

that your bent brief
has been making waves,

trying to get all sorts
of legal eagles on board,

and they've all told her
the same thing.

Raymond's with his mum.

And that is where he's staying.

We'll see about that.

Meaning?

You seen that daughter of yours
lately, eh? The one in France?

What's her name? Penny?

Only, I hear not.

If you're threatening her...
So, how does it feel, hey?

How does it feel
not to see your own kid?

Now, you hate me.

Fair enough. You got me down
as some out-and-out villain.

Well, maybe you're right.

But I'm a dad.

I'm a dad as well.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Service is long today, man.
Let me get you a drink, yeah?

Come join us, sweetheart.

Maybe later, if you're good.

Hey, Vinny,
Tiff is doing my head in.

You've got the right idea, bruv -
don't do it.

Do what?

Complications.

Relationships.

Bit late for that.

Meaning?

You were right, man.

You told me enough times.

She's a nightmare.

Have you and Dotty...?

Thing is, she's been
avoiding me ever since we...

..did it.

Not cos... Not cos it was
a wash-out.

She just went from white hot
to stone-cold.

And now she's saying
she wants to be friends.

I'm fine, but...

Sounds like she's messing
you about, mate.

Because?

Because she can.

Because she gets off on it.

I don't understand.

Join the club, bro.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Another one and another one,
and another one!

Can we just have the exact same
we just had, please? Thank you.

NANCY SNICKERS

Oh, you and Dad really are
two peas in a pod, ain't you?

Did Dad send you? No.
What? Sharon?

She's just worried about you,
we all are.

This isn't you.

Mm, no, pretty sure it's me.
Definitely me.

Look, none of us
wants to interfere...

It's bit late for that, innit?

But if you're talking
about me and Zack...

Oh, so there is a you and Zack?
How many more times? No.

Yeah, not for want of trying,
from what I could tell...

Nancy, where's them cocktails at?
They're coming. Hurry up!

Excuse me, we were talking.

And we're drinking, sweetheart.

PINK FLOYD PLAYS ON GRAMOPHONE

Oi! What's Janet doing with that?

And why are you playing it on
that old thing?

She likes it.

My daughter's a hippy,
how'd you work that one out?

Some punter's paid
good money for that.

How did you know?

Winston's gutted,
he said you had a right result,

but not if it gets damaged.

She's only playing
a couple of tracks.

Well, then get her the CD,

or download it on her phone
or something...

Why are you so bothered?

That's your get-out-of-jail card.

What? Get-out-of-the-car-lot anyway.

You know about that?

Billy, you smell like
a three-week-old kebab,

anyone standing downwind of you
knows it!

Everyone knows that you're just too
pig-headed to accept any help.

Hang on a minute, are you saying...?

I'm saying that
that is your lifeline,

so get it off that thing, now.

Oh, forget it, I'll do it.
No, Kat!

RECORD SCRATCHES

DOOR OPENS

Don't bring me into it, OK?

You and Tiff
can sort your own troubles out.

You must get some weird
little kick out of it, innit?

What she does is her business,
not mine,

and it ain't yours either.
This ain't the Dark Ages, you know.

Now, if you don't mind,
I've got a date.

I ain't talking about Tiff,
I'm talking about you

stringing people along.

Yeah.

See, Vinny is in bits right now
and no wonder.

Is this a joke?

YOU are actually giving me
advice about relationships?

I don't like people
who mess people about.

Shame you married one, then.

I told you,
I'm not talking about me and Tiff.

Aren't you?

SHE SCOFFS

You've got another grandson, yeah?

Yeah, Peter,
he's working right now.

ROCKY: Yeah, trying to impress a
girl. The love of a good woman, eh?

Can't beat it.

When you find one, Rocky,
let me know, eh?

ROCKY CHUCKLES

And this must be
your granddaughter, is it?

Lucy, yeah.

Aw, she's beautiful.

She live locally? Only I didn't
see her at your birthday party.

Erm...

Er, Lucy passed away.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's a few years ago now.

Oh, I could kick myself.

No, you weren't to know.

Even so.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, sorry.

Here, Jack.

Yep, I got that quote
from the plumber...

Plumber plonker lost your details,
sent them to me instead.

Ooh, fancy that.

Hope you're sitting down, mate.

It's a whisker short of three grand.

I know, I know,
that is mates' rates too.

Them tenants of yours, they have
seriously messed you up big time.

I'm... I'm here with Harvey.

Yeah, that mate of mine
I was telling you about,

the one that's looking for a flat.

Reliable, hard-working mate of mine,

who's looking to move in
pretty much straight away,

if the price is right.

Ain't that right, Harve?

Well, yes, yeah.

I'll tell him.

Well, you better pack your bags,
and don't forget your toothbrush.

Oh, sweet. Oh, thank you, mate!

Happy?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Thought we'd already
taken the bins out.

What's all this?

Billy's moving in, just till
he get's everything sorted.

I thought you were already sorted,
I thought you were going to make
a killing with that record.

Yeah, we had a bit of an accident
with that. We?

Is that... Is that what you had
in that bag? Yeah.

Was it really was worth a grand?

At least.
And how did you get hold of it?

Bought it.

How?

Look, I was going to tell you,
right, but I just knew that you...

Let me get this straight, yeah?
Not only have I got a lodger,

who I keep telling you I don't want,
I've just paid for the privilege.

It ain't a privilege...

Yeah, well, that's the first
thing you've said that ain't got

"stupid" tattooed all the way
through it. Now out, Billy.

Out! Out!

MUSIC PLAYING

What is your mate looking at?

Leave her, Jode,
she ain't worth the agg.

No, she's been giving us the evil
eye all night, I want to know why.

Come on, Nance.
Hey, hey, don't ignore me...

She ain't ignoring you, she's deaf.
What do you mean? She can't hear?

Nancy, let's go,

I don't want to see my sister
hanging around with tramps.

Wait, what did you just call me?
Did you hear that?

This freak's just called me a tramp.
What?

Look at her, she ain't even normal
and she's giving us grief.

What did you say? You need to learn
some manners, love.

You vicious little cow.

I don't believe you -
he's your cousin!

Billy's a grown man,
he can fend for himself.

Fend for himself?
Have you smelt him?

He couldn't fend for a hamster.

He's your family,
you don't give up on your family.

I've got family living next door,
I've got a son I can't even see,

so don't bang on at me
about Billy, all right?

I thought Ritchie
was sorting that out?

Yeah, well, Ritchie reckons
that Denise is right.

If I get the law involved,
it'll drag everything up with Ellie,

and then we won't even see
Raymond again.

So it ain't an overgrown kid
like Billy I need to sort out

right now, it's a real kid,
an actual kid, my kid.

I know you think
this is a lost cause, OK,

but I don't see you
giving up on any of yours.

No, I wouldn't do that.

I want to help you.

You what?

Look, you can't give up on Raymond,
you're right.

But you can't give up on
Billy either.

We can sort them both out, together.

Well, you can do what
you want about Billy.

But me and Raymond,
we're going to get sorted anyway.

Hold on!

What's that mean?

It means that I'm going
to do this a different way.

I don't know what you've got
in mind, but Denise won't just
roll over.

Yeah, well, if Denise
don't know where we are,

it don't matter what Denise does,
does it?

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.