EastEnders (1985–…): Season 1, Episode 6293 - Episode #1.6293 - full transcript
Ben is fuming when he finds out about Sharon and Kheerat's secret relationship.
Another drink?
I'm not staying.
For Jags's protection this month.
You OK?
Ever get the feeling that
you're being played for a mug?
Sometimes, yeah.
Found this in Callum's bag.
Ain't really my style.
So, what, you think he's got
it for someone else?
For Whitney.
Right, so he's planning to sack
you off, get back with his ex?
You saying I'm paranoid?
No, it just doesn't seem...doesn't
seem very likely.
I mean, that's not how
it works, is it?
He's barely said a word to me
since I asked him to leave his job.
Any time he does talk to me,
he lies about where he's been,
or who he's been seeing.
Maybe he's been taking lessons
off the expert.
Cappuccino to take away.
You really do hate her, don't you?
I hate anyone who lies to my face.
Oh, sorry, was that too harsh?
Don't tell me you've
succumbed to her charm.
No, of course not.
It's all right, I was only joking.
I know you'd never go there, even
though she does love a younger man.
You got something to say, Ben?
No, you're all right, actually.
I prefer to say it behind your back.
Don't worry about your brother.
It's all sorted.
What do you think I am,
some sort of amateur?
Course I've checked,
they're all going to be out.
Yeah, you'll get your money.
Just bring the gear and
we'll take it from there.
Yeah, look, I got to go, Vlad.
Mornin', sweetheart.
Who's Vlad?
Just a mate.
His real name's Keith.
Fell off a ladder
onto some railings.
Been Vlad the Impaled ever since.
What's this about gear?
All right, bat ears.
You're just like your mother.
If you must know, Vlad is
dropping off some stuff
for my date with Kathy
this afternoon.
She obviously don't
trust you after dark.
Trouble getting a night off.
That woman works too hard,
I'm telling you.
That's your ex's place, innit?
Yeah. Why?
Nice gaff.
See, apparently,
his missus - minted.
I've seen her strutting round the
place in her designer clobber.
Some people like that sort
of thing, I suppose.
Not a patch on you though, Son.
He has properly traded down.
Yeah, cheers.
See you later, sweetheart.
What time was he born?
Just before midnight.
And they're both OK?
Yeah.
Does he even have a name yet?
Not yet. I think Habs wanted
to run a few options past Jags.
She's desperate
to keep him involved.
Just doesn't seem right.
Seeing his little face
before his dad.
Jags is going to miss so much.
Wait, does he even know?
Yeah, I think they
got a message to him.
Good.
He's going to be out
before we know it.
Exactly. And, knowing Habs,
she'll probably film everything.
I'm going to go see them
later this week.
OK. Well, I need to get a present.
Habs said you've given them
more than enough. Hm.
Kept that pretty quiet.
Yeah, well, no-one
needed to know, Iqs.
You're a good man, Kheerat.
Are you going to do any work?
This is work. I'm doing
my cab driver's application.
Well, any chance you could
help me shift this lot first?
No, you need the exercise.
So stop whingeing and crack on.
I want to see them muscles
pumpin', big boy!
Want a hand?
I can manage.
Enjoy that, did ya?
Enjoy what? I ain't playing
your little games, Whitney.
What games?
I ain't stupid.
I know you've had a problem
with me since I got with Callum.
So, what, you want to
get back with him, do ya?
Something funny?
I've seen you two together.
He's sneaking around, he's lying
to me, and...buying jewellery?
You don't know him
at all, do you, Ben?
You're pathetic.
Callum's practically
falling apart and, what,
you've managed to find a way to make
it all about you, as usual?
What do you mean?
I ain't telling you nothing, Ben.
Go and talk to your husband.
You know, I could always cancel
if you want to go see your nephew.
I'm going in a couple of days.
Now, stop trying to get out
of your date. I've got this.
And I'm on the stall,
if she needs me.
I've got no idea what to wear.
I don't even know where we're going.
Has he told you?
Oh, I'm sworn to secrecy.
Do you know, I might actually
be just a little bit excited.
Good. Now, go.
And don't do anything I wouldn't do.
See you. See you.
What's the matter? Worried your
nan's getting more action than you?
Oh, right.
What, is Dana making you wait?
Well, it's actually more me.
You know, I'm trying
to do the right thing.
What, you mean no sex
before marriage?
Well, between you and me,
people break that rule all the time.
They just don't advertise it.
You must be really proud.
Bit less proud about what happened
in the caff this morning.
It's nothing I haven't heard before.
Yeah, but I should've
said something.
What, and spoil our little secret?
Besides, I'm more than
used to handling Ben.
He won't forgive me.
Ben loves his family,
and I tore them apart
in the worst possible way.
And that's why he hates me.
That's why he won't stop.
Yeah, well, I suppose
when you put it like that,
I can't blame him, can I?
Look, if you think seeing me's
going to cause a problem...
It's not.
Sharon, I owe Ben a lot,
for keeping my brother safe.
But I like you a lot, too.
And the way I feel's got to
count for something, hasn't it?
Finally got you to myself.
You look beautiful, by the way.
What, you don't think
I should say it?
People should say it more often.
Well, thanks.
Go on, what are you going to order?
A burger.
Just not sure which one.
Do you know what?
I'm going to get one of each.
There's like ten burgers
on this menu.
And I've always wanted
to try them all.
See which one I like best.
Might as well live a little, right?
Experience what you can, enjoy
the time you've got and all that.
Well, you've got plenty
of time, so...
I bet Paul thought the same thing,
and look what happened to him.
I was wondering how long
it'd be before he got a mention.
Problem with me talking about Paul?
No. It's just, lately,
you've been...
..talking about him a lot,
and you've never even met him.
Because he died.
Dead or alive, he's family,
and people say he was like me,
and that's exciting. You can see
why that's exciting, right?
Why didn't you answer your phone?
Must've been on silent.
What's happened?
Well, your brother's had his baby.
No, Habiba had the baby.
It's a little boy.
That's...That's great.
How'd you two find out?
She posted it on Insta.
Typical of that girl to announce
it to the whole world
but keep us in the dark.
You already knew.
Yeah. Iqra told me.
Nothing from Jagvir or Habiba,
and now you.
Firstly, I just found out.
Secondly, Jags is in prison.
Thirdly, Habiba? Let's
just say that you haven't exactly
got the most nurturing relationship.
Because she dragged our
family name through the dirt,
and she's still doing it.
What do you mean?
Well, you've seen the photos.
She's living in a beautiful flat.
There is no way she could afford
a place like that without help.
I dare say she's earning
her rent lying on her back.
Mum. And when I find out who it is,
I'll be sure to let Jagvir know.
Why can't you just let them be?
It was me, Mum, OK?
I'm the one paying her rent.
I'm not going to have my nephew
grow up in some slum.
My own family, full of snakes.
But, you, going behind my back...
So, you're fine with me arranging
protection for Jags' safety,
but not the mother of his child?
You're not keeping
her safe, Kheerat.
You're making her comfortable.
That girl is nothing but a leech.
That girl has just given birth
to your first grandchild.
You're damaging our family.
I'm not damaging this family.
Why can't you just accept
that he loves her?
Oh, are you lecturing me on love
when you're carrying on with a woman
that's old enough to be your mother?
You know, you've brainwashed us
to think that the only way
that we can be happy is
to make you happy -
but I'm not playing
that game any more.
I'm going to do what I want
for a change.
And I hope Jags does the same, too.
DOOR CLOSES
Stunning.
Come on.
Your nan looks amazing.
She really needs a carer?
Well, her arthritis is a
lot better in the afternoons
and she takes a lot of painkillers.
Yeah.
Do you want to get some food, or...?
Actually, I was thinking
we could go back to yours?
I mean...
..looks like your nan's
going to be out for a while.
Uh...
..yeah.
Yeah, it's just...
Sorry, it's just here.
You look gorgeous.
Well, I wasn't sure what to wear
as you hadn't told me
where we were going.
You have arrived at your
destination.
Here? What we going to do here?
Brief Encounter?
Is that my copy?!
No.
Yeah.
Bobby nicked it, borrowed it.
Look, he said it was your
favourite film.
Come on.
Well, if you think
I'm sitting in the bushes
watching a film on some laptop
then this is going to be a very
brief encounter, believe you me.
Look, I know you've been stressed
out running all them businesses,
and Bobby said you didn't want
to travel too far, so...
..copped for this.
I have done you an outdoor cinema.
Well, that is really sweet.
What are we going to do
till it gets dark?
Don't need to wait for that.
The fella I bought this off
said it's got 3,000 lumens.
What? Lumens.
Units of luminous flux.
Don't worry. Sit down,
relax and enjoy.
It is showtime!
Brighter than the sun, he said.
Well...I think I can see something.
He's going to get 3,000 lumens
up his jacksie, that one.
Listen, we've got
the cocktails, haven't we?
Don't worry.
Worry? No chance.
Necessity.
The mother of invention
and all that.
I promised you Brief Encounters,
and Brief Encounters
is what you're going to get.
That's a lot of burgers.
I'll get a doggy bag.
I think you need a doggy sack.
Will you get off my back,
please, Lola?
Oh, don't go, don't go, don't go.
Ain't much point in
me staying, is there?
I'm sorry, OK?
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just wanted everything
to be special.
I know I've been busy
and I've been neglecting you.
I swear, I smile just thinking
about seeing your face.
I just worry about you, that's all.
I'm fine.
You heard the nurse.
Yeah, but he don't know that you've
just ordered ten burgers.
Well, what can I say?
I like supporting local business.
I know you're worried about me.
I keep on talking about Paul.
I just...
..want to share my excitement
with the woman I love.
And so we're clear, that's you.
So, do you want to go
upstairs, or...?
Slow down.
I haven't even
got my jacket off yet.
Sorry. Uh...
I mean, I'm not really used to this
- like, bringing people back here.
You know, cos of my nan
and everything.
Where do you normally
take your girlfriends, then?
Probably fewer of them
than you think.
This is your first time, isn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.
Course not.
Just surprising.
You seem so confident.
Well, I've just been, you know,
so focused on the business and...
We don't have to do anything if...
..if that freaks you out.
It's not that.
Just thought one of us
would know what we're doing.
Kind of my first time, too.
Don't look so shocked.
I just wanted to wait for someone
that I really liked and trusted.
And now I've found him.
I got your message.
You took your time.
I can't just leave work, Ben.
Oh, so you actually went
this time, did ya?
Are you going to tell me
what's happened, or...?
I don't know, Cal.
Are you going to tell me?
It's a bit small for my fat fingers.
How much have you had to drink?
Does it matter?
I know that you've been meeting
Whitney, and I know that
you've been lying about it, Cal.
So, when I found this,
I went to go and talk to her.
And what did she say?
Nothing. She said nothing.
She said that I should
come and talk to you, so...
..here we are.
The ring's Fitzy's, Ben.
It's for his girlfriend,
he was going to propose.
I don't understand.
So why have you got it?
Cos he got stabbed.
He's in hospital.
Fitzy?
Why didn't you tell me?
I couldn't, could I?
How...How could you not?
Cos we'd agreed not to talk
about the job, Ben... Seriou...?
Seriously?
What if you'd have been there, eh?
What if it was you that got stabbed?
You didn't tell me cos you
thought I'd make you give up.
It weren't just that...
But you thought it.
You know, Whitney said
that I don't know you.
But if you think that it's OK to
not tell me them kind of things,
then maybe you don't know me.
I tried so many times to tell
you, Ben. I-I just couldn't.
But you could tell Whitney.
Ben... You know what?
It's me that don't want
to talk right now.
All right, listen, picture the
scene, the climax of the film.
The train is waiting at the
platform, she's got her head
stuck out the window cos there's
no health and safety in those days.
He is standing on the platform...
This is one funny bloke, Son.
But he's not happy. He is as happy
as a bloke with haemorrhoids
on the Tour de France.
The train starts pulling away.
He's there, he's shouting at her.
"I love you, I love you,
I love you."
She's shouting back.
"I love you, I love you."
No, no, no.
They never said none of that.
No, he asked for her forgiveness.
Well, we'd all like a bit
of that, wouldn't we?
Unlike Mick and Kathy,
I have only seen the film once,
and that was 40 years ago,
so, please, give me a break.
I'm on a roll.
So, the train stops.
He grabs her, they embrace.
He's all over her like a rash.
Yeah.
They cannot hide their feelings,
they fall in love.
They end up in a semidetached in
Pinner, live happily ever after.
The end.
CHEERING
Right, we're going to
do some good here.
We're going to see if we can
raise some money for charity.
So, if you've got any loose change,
just fold it up
and put it in my hat.
What are you doing, Mick?
I'm going to give him an apple.
He's got a heart of gold,
your old man.
Here you are, give us that hat here.
So, you're leaving me to deal
with Mum? Come on, man.
She's going full
Incredible Hulk back home.
So?
Just disappear for the night
like me.
Where are you going?
Well, I thought
we'd drive out of town,
find a nice little country pub.
We?
You know that mystery woman
I've been seeing?
Well, hello, you.
Thought we were meant to be
keeping things low-key.
Well, I thought I'm going to do
what I want for a change.
Of course I was going to call you.
I don't let people down,
unlike some.
I've got the cash literally
in me hand right now.
So, why don't you
get inside this lovely car
and I'll take you to the woods,
to this amazing oven pizza place?
Oh, yeah?
You know what?
Change of plan.
I'm being mugged off here.
Cancel that protection -
I don't care.
Jags Panesar ain't my problem
no more.
I'm not staying.
For Jags's protection this month.
You OK?
Ever get the feeling that
you're being played for a mug?
Sometimes, yeah.
Found this in Callum's bag.
Ain't really my style.
So, what, you think he's got
it for someone else?
For Whitney.
Right, so he's planning to sack
you off, get back with his ex?
You saying I'm paranoid?
No, it just doesn't seem...doesn't
seem very likely.
I mean, that's not how
it works, is it?
He's barely said a word to me
since I asked him to leave his job.
Any time he does talk to me,
he lies about where he's been,
or who he's been seeing.
Maybe he's been taking lessons
off the expert.
Cappuccino to take away.
You really do hate her, don't you?
I hate anyone who lies to my face.
Oh, sorry, was that too harsh?
Don't tell me you've
succumbed to her charm.
No, of course not.
It's all right, I was only joking.
I know you'd never go there, even
though she does love a younger man.
You got something to say, Ben?
No, you're all right, actually.
I prefer to say it behind your back.
Don't worry about your brother.
It's all sorted.
What do you think I am,
some sort of amateur?
Course I've checked,
they're all going to be out.
Yeah, you'll get your money.
Just bring the gear and
we'll take it from there.
Yeah, look, I got to go, Vlad.
Mornin', sweetheart.
Who's Vlad?
Just a mate.
His real name's Keith.
Fell off a ladder
onto some railings.
Been Vlad the Impaled ever since.
What's this about gear?
All right, bat ears.
You're just like your mother.
If you must know, Vlad is
dropping off some stuff
for my date with Kathy
this afternoon.
She obviously don't
trust you after dark.
Trouble getting a night off.
That woman works too hard,
I'm telling you.
That's your ex's place, innit?
Yeah. Why?
Nice gaff.
See, apparently,
his missus - minted.
I've seen her strutting round the
place in her designer clobber.
Some people like that sort
of thing, I suppose.
Not a patch on you though, Son.
He has properly traded down.
Yeah, cheers.
See you later, sweetheart.
What time was he born?
Just before midnight.
And they're both OK?
Yeah.
Does he even have a name yet?
Not yet. I think Habs wanted
to run a few options past Jags.
She's desperate
to keep him involved.
Just doesn't seem right.
Seeing his little face
before his dad.
Jags is going to miss so much.
Wait, does he even know?
Yeah, I think they
got a message to him.
Good.
He's going to be out
before we know it.
Exactly. And, knowing Habs,
she'll probably film everything.
I'm going to go see them
later this week.
OK. Well, I need to get a present.
Habs said you've given them
more than enough. Hm.
Kept that pretty quiet.
Yeah, well, no-one
needed to know, Iqs.
You're a good man, Kheerat.
Are you going to do any work?
This is work. I'm doing
my cab driver's application.
Well, any chance you could
help me shift this lot first?
No, you need the exercise.
So stop whingeing and crack on.
I want to see them muscles
pumpin', big boy!
Want a hand?
I can manage.
Enjoy that, did ya?
Enjoy what? I ain't playing
your little games, Whitney.
What games?
I ain't stupid.
I know you've had a problem
with me since I got with Callum.
So, what, you want to
get back with him, do ya?
Something funny?
I've seen you two together.
He's sneaking around, he's lying
to me, and...buying jewellery?
You don't know him
at all, do you, Ben?
You're pathetic.
Callum's practically
falling apart and, what,
you've managed to find a way to make
it all about you, as usual?
What do you mean?
I ain't telling you nothing, Ben.
Go and talk to your husband.
You know, I could always cancel
if you want to go see your nephew.
I'm going in a couple of days.
Now, stop trying to get out
of your date. I've got this.
And I'm on the stall,
if she needs me.
I've got no idea what to wear.
I don't even know where we're going.
Has he told you?
Oh, I'm sworn to secrecy.
Do you know, I might actually
be just a little bit excited.
Good. Now, go.
And don't do anything I wouldn't do.
See you. See you.
What's the matter? Worried your
nan's getting more action than you?
Oh, right.
What, is Dana making you wait?
Well, it's actually more me.
You know, I'm trying
to do the right thing.
What, you mean no sex
before marriage?
Well, between you and me,
people break that rule all the time.
They just don't advertise it.
You must be really proud.
Bit less proud about what happened
in the caff this morning.
It's nothing I haven't heard before.
Yeah, but I should've
said something.
What, and spoil our little secret?
Besides, I'm more than
used to handling Ben.
He won't forgive me.
Ben loves his family,
and I tore them apart
in the worst possible way.
And that's why he hates me.
That's why he won't stop.
Yeah, well, I suppose
when you put it like that,
I can't blame him, can I?
Look, if you think seeing me's
going to cause a problem...
It's not.
Sharon, I owe Ben a lot,
for keeping my brother safe.
But I like you a lot, too.
And the way I feel's got to
count for something, hasn't it?
Finally got you to myself.
You look beautiful, by the way.
What, you don't think
I should say it?
People should say it more often.
Well, thanks.
Go on, what are you going to order?
A burger.
Just not sure which one.
Do you know what?
I'm going to get one of each.
There's like ten burgers
on this menu.
And I've always wanted
to try them all.
See which one I like best.
Might as well live a little, right?
Experience what you can, enjoy
the time you've got and all that.
Well, you've got plenty
of time, so...
I bet Paul thought the same thing,
and look what happened to him.
I was wondering how long
it'd be before he got a mention.
Problem with me talking about Paul?
No. It's just, lately,
you've been...
..talking about him a lot,
and you've never even met him.
Because he died.
Dead or alive, he's family,
and people say he was like me,
and that's exciting. You can see
why that's exciting, right?
Why didn't you answer your phone?
Must've been on silent.
What's happened?
Well, your brother's had his baby.
No, Habiba had the baby.
It's a little boy.
That's...That's great.
How'd you two find out?
She posted it on Insta.
Typical of that girl to announce
it to the whole world
but keep us in the dark.
You already knew.
Yeah. Iqra told me.
Nothing from Jagvir or Habiba,
and now you.
Firstly, I just found out.
Secondly, Jags is in prison.
Thirdly, Habiba? Let's
just say that you haven't exactly
got the most nurturing relationship.
Because she dragged our
family name through the dirt,
and she's still doing it.
What do you mean?
Well, you've seen the photos.
She's living in a beautiful flat.
There is no way she could afford
a place like that without help.
I dare say she's earning
her rent lying on her back.
Mum. And when I find out who it is,
I'll be sure to let Jagvir know.
Why can't you just let them be?
It was me, Mum, OK?
I'm the one paying her rent.
I'm not going to have my nephew
grow up in some slum.
My own family, full of snakes.
But, you, going behind my back...
So, you're fine with me arranging
protection for Jags' safety,
but not the mother of his child?
You're not keeping
her safe, Kheerat.
You're making her comfortable.
That girl is nothing but a leech.
That girl has just given birth
to your first grandchild.
You're damaging our family.
I'm not damaging this family.
Why can't you just accept
that he loves her?
Oh, are you lecturing me on love
when you're carrying on with a woman
that's old enough to be your mother?
You know, you've brainwashed us
to think that the only way
that we can be happy is
to make you happy -
but I'm not playing
that game any more.
I'm going to do what I want
for a change.
And I hope Jags does the same, too.
DOOR CLOSES
Stunning.
Come on.
Your nan looks amazing.
She really needs a carer?
Well, her arthritis is a
lot better in the afternoons
and she takes a lot of painkillers.
Yeah.
Do you want to get some food, or...?
Actually, I was thinking
we could go back to yours?
I mean...
..looks like your nan's
going to be out for a while.
Uh...
..yeah.
Yeah, it's just...
Sorry, it's just here.
You look gorgeous.
Well, I wasn't sure what to wear
as you hadn't told me
where we were going.
You have arrived at your
destination.
Here? What we going to do here?
Brief Encounter?
Is that my copy?!
No.
Yeah.
Bobby nicked it, borrowed it.
Look, he said it was your
favourite film.
Come on.
Well, if you think
I'm sitting in the bushes
watching a film on some laptop
then this is going to be a very
brief encounter, believe you me.
Look, I know you've been stressed
out running all them businesses,
and Bobby said you didn't want
to travel too far, so...
..copped for this.
I have done you an outdoor cinema.
Well, that is really sweet.
What are we going to do
till it gets dark?
Don't need to wait for that.
The fella I bought this off
said it's got 3,000 lumens.
What? Lumens.
Units of luminous flux.
Don't worry. Sit down,
relax and enjoy.
It is showtime!
Brighter than the sun, he said.
Well...I think I can see something.
He's going to get 3,000 lumens
up his jacksie, that one.
Listen, we've got
the cocktails, haven't we?
Don't worry.
Worry? No chance.
Necessity.
The mother of invention
and all that.
I promised you Brief Encounters,
and Brief Encounters
is what you're going to get.
That's a lot of burgers.
I'll get a doggy bag.
I think you need a doggy sack.
Will you get off my back,
please, Lola?
Oh, don't go, don't go, don't go.
Ain't much point in
me staying, is there?
I'm sorry, OK?
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just wanted everything
to be special.
I know I've been busy
and I've been neglecting you.
I swear, I smile just thinking
about seeing your face.
I just worry about you, that's all.
I'm fine.
You heard the nurse.
Yeah, but he don't know that you've
just ordered ten burgers.
Well, what can I say?
I like supporting local business.
I know you're worried about me.
I keep on talking about Paul.
I just...
..want to share my excitement
with the woman I love.
And so we're clear, that's you.
So, do you want to go
upstairs, or...?
Slow down.
I haven't even
got my jacket off yet.
Sorry. Uh...
I mean, I'm not really used to this
- like, bringing people back here.
You know, cos of my nan
and everything.
Where do you normally
take your girlfriends, then?
Probably fewer of them
than you think.
This is your first time, isn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.
Course not.
Just surprising.
You seem so confident.
Well, I've just been, you know,
so focused on the business and...
We don't have to do anything if...
..if that freaks you out.
It's not that.
Just thought one of us
would know what we're doing.
Kind of my first time, too.
Don't look so shocked.
I just wanted to wait for someone
that I really liked and trusted.
And now I've found him.
I got your message.
You took your time.
I can't just leave work, Ben.
Oh, so you actually went
this time, did ya?
Are you going to tell me
what's happened, or...?
I don't know, Cal.
Are you going to tell me?
It's a bit small for my fat fingers.
How much have you had to drink?
Does it matter?
I know that you've been meeting
Whitney, and I know that
you've been lying about it, Cal.
So, when I found this,
I went to go and talk to her.
And what did she say?
Nothing. She said nothing.
She said that I should
come and talk to you, so...
..here we are.
The ring's Fitzy's, Ben.
It's for his girlfriend,
he was going to propose.
I don't understand.
So why have you got it?
Cos he got stabbed.
He's in hospital.
Fitzy?
Why didn't you tell me?
I couldn't, could I?
How...How could you not?
Cos we'd agreed not to talk
about the job, Ben... Seriou...?
Seriously?
What if you'd have been there, eh?
What if it was you that got stabbed?
You didn't tell me cos you
thought I'd make you give up.
It weren't just that...
But you thought it.
You know, Whitney said
that I don't know you.
But if you think that it's OK to
not tell me them kind of things,
then maybe you don't know me.
I tried so many times to tell
you, Ben. I-I just couldn't.
But you could tell Whitney.
Ben... You know what?
It's me that don't want
to talk right now.
All right, listen, picture the
scene, the climax of the film.
The train is waiting at the
platform, she's got her head
stuck out the window cos there's
no health and safety in those days.
He is standing on the platform...
This is one funny bloke, Son.
But he's not happy. He is as happy
as a bloke with haemorrhoids
on the Tour de France.
The train starts pulling away.
He's there, he's shouting at her.
"I love you, I love you,
I love you."
She's shouting back.
"I love you, I love you."
No, no, no.
They never said none of that.
No, he asked for her forgiveness.
Well, we'd all like a bit
of that, wouldn't we?
Unlike Mick and Kathy,
I have only seen the film once,
and that was 40 years ago,
so, please, give me a break.
I'm on a roll.
So, the train stops.
He grabs her, they embrace.
He's all over her like a rash.
Yeah.
They cannot hide their feelings,
they fall in love.
They end up in a semidetached in
Pinner, live happily ever after.
The end.
CHEERING
Right, we're going to
do some good here.
We're going to see if we can
raise some money for charity.
So, if you've got any loose change,
just fold it up
and put it in my hat.
What are you doing, Mick?
I'm going to give him an apple.
He's got a heart of gold,
your old man.
Here you are, give us that hat here.
So, you're leaving me to deal
with Mum? Come on, man.
She's going full
Incredible Hulk back home.
So?
Just disappear for the night
like me.
Where are you going?
Well, I thought
we'd drive out of town,
find a nice little country pub.
We?
You know that mystery woman
I've been seeing?
Well, hello, you.
Thought we were meant to be
keeping things low-key.
Well, I thought I'm going to do
what I want for a change.
Of course I was going to call you.
I don't let people down,
unlike some.
I've got the cash literally
in me hand right now.
So, why don't you
get inside this lovely car
and I'll take you to the woods,
to this amazing oven pizza place?
Oh, yeah?
You know what?
Change of plan.
I'm being mugged off here.
Cancel that protection -
I don't care.
Jags Panesar ain't my problem
no more.