EastEnders (1985–…): Season 1, Episode 6285 - Episode #1.6285 - full transcript

Rainie gives Stuart the task of telling Vi she must move out of their flat as she has overstayed her welcome. Will he able to do this to his Nan?

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
We may need a pump.

An electric one.

I mean, look. One puff away from
being on the floor.

Hey, listen, I was thinking,
why don't I cook tonight?

What better way to celebrate
an unofficial anniversary than

with food poisoning?

What do you reckon?


Shall we address
the elephant in the room?

I don't want to row about this,
I just...

I'll think about it, Ben.

I love this job.

But I love you more.

So I'll think about quitting
the police.

For you.

See you tonight for dinner, yeah?


What's going on here, then?

My man's up doing laundry?

Now I'm worried.

Not washing some tart's lipstick
off your collar, I hope.

Arthur wet the bed.


Well, it's all right, it happens...

Not with Arthur, it don't.

He's really struggling, Rubes.

That boy's lost enough
for one lifetime.

And now he's got his big sister
sat across the road and all.

She should be here.

Well, he's got Hope.

Martin, he's got us.

I know he has.
Lily should be with him, too.

Enough's enough.

Look, Martin, I know this is hard.
But you can't pander to her.

Pander to her?

She's not even under my roof...
Yeah, but that was her choice.

We didn't kick her out.

She left.

I'm her dad, Rubes.

You don't understand.


No, how could I, eh?
I didn't mean it like that, OK?

When I was a kid my dad bought me
this Walkman. And I loved it.

I took it everywhere with me.

And, one day, I had a friend round
and I gave my dad backchat,

I was being flash.

And he said, "If you carry on,
I will chuck it out the window."

And guess what?

I carried on.

He chucked it out the window
and he smashed it to pieces.

And I cried my eyes out.

But he was right.

For all the wrong calls my dad made,
he was right about that.

Yeah, I'd still give him lip
from time-to-time,

but I knew how far I could push him.

And I needed to learn that.

And Lily does too.

She'll come home, Martin,
in her own time.

You can't chase her.
Or you'll be chasing her forever.

I'm not your dad, Rubes.

I just want her home.

I'm surprised we don't confiscate
a few of these.

I mean, you could take
someone's eye out with a fork.

Probably doesn't count
as an offensive weapon either.

See, if I weren't Old Bill,
I'd be a good crim.

Last night didn't work out, then?

Don't worry about it, mate.

If in doubt,
give the florist a shout.

Do you lot do flowers?

Just leave it alone, you.

Ben asked me to quit the police.

I said I'd think about it.

Me being a copper has never
sat right with him.

Or his family.

It's who I am.
It's what I want to do.

But it's always going to be
an issue between me and him, innit?

I don't know what to do.

It's me and my Vicky's five-year
anniversary this weekend.

She worries about me, too.

And I keep saying,

statistically, it's more dangerous
being a farmer.

And I'd rather walk a beat
than milk a cow.

Me and nature, we don't get on,
do you know what I mean?

She's working all weekend. So I...

..am going to propose tonight.

You and your fella inspired me.

We are who we are.
And, yeah, she worries.

But she loves me.

And I reckon that your Ben,
he does too, right?

STUART: I can't believe
she forgot Catty.

I know. I'm surprised she didn't
make the pilot do a 180.

I just hope Paris is too exciting
for her to even notice.

Not that we'd know, of course.

STUART: Just relax, babe.

There's nothing to worry about.

Still ain't heard from the rugrat?
Oh, poor little mite, eh?

What was that?

The little'un. Poor little mite.

And, to be honest, Lorraine,
it's an odd set-up.

I'm sure it's not doing her
any good.

I mean, kids are like dogs.

They like consistency.

She's been passed around
like a bad penny.

I've had houseflies that
stick around longer than her.

Talking of sticking around,

your flat must be finished by now,

I don't think my Stuart Little's
ready for me to go just yet.

Look at him. He's still picking up
the weight he dropped

through lack of decent
home cooking.

And I could've sworn the rugrat
tried to spell the word "help"

with her Alphabetti Spaghetti.


Oh, well, time for my programmes.

Somebody stick the kettle on, eh?

I'm parched.


Look, I was thinking,

why don't we just tell her
about the surrogacy?

Deflate the hate a bit.

Not that she hates you...
That's our business, not hers.

She's on thin ice.

And I'm going to be right
underneath it when it breaks.

This has gone on long enough.

You need to come home. Today.

I am home. Home is with your brother
and sister.

They need you. I need you.

Ruby hates me!
She doesn't hate you.

She doesn't want me there, Dad.
And what she says goes, right?

All right, let's just calm down,
shall we?

I am calm.

I want to go home.

Come on, Nan.

Well, actually,
we've got the police round,

so we need to make ourselves
scarce for a bit.

So sit down and listen.

I'm happy round Nan's, Dad.

And she's happy to have me.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Just for the record,
Kat's been mugged.

We're not in trouble or anything.

Just so you know.

I told you,
I'll talk to you later.

No, not later. Now.
They've blocked my credit card.

You won't answer your calls, but
you'll spend my money like water.

I'm not doing this now, Phil.
All right, well, do me a favour,
then, yeah?

Give it to me with both barrels.
Chin me. Coat me off.

Cos I'd rather have a black eye
and earache

than this silent treatment, yeah?

What's he doing here?

I'll, um, come back later, yeah?

You trying to turn her against me
and all, now, are you?

Your cards are blocked
because I was mugged.

You was mugged!

You was mugged
and you didn't tell me?

Well, I tried to, but you was too
busy with Denise, weren't ya?

Well, who was it?

They need sorting out.
And what good's that going to do?

It's better than what he'll do.
All he'll do is give them a slap on

the wrist and send them to some
cushy rehab centre somewhere.

That's if he can be bothered
to look for them.

He'll be too busy trying to
nick one of his own.

I'm just doing my job, Phil.

Course you are.
Cos that job is ALL you are.

I know that job comes first.

And, deep down, Ben knows that, too.

Now, you better find this kid
before I do. Cos me?

I'm a man of my word.
I'm fine, by the way.

Thanks for asking.

If you want to step up for people
you care about, do it the right way,

or not at all.

Just go, Phil.

Too late for tears now, big boy.

If you can't pay,
they'll take it away.

What's the face for?

Is he a friend of yours?

I just think it's sad.

Us working class,
we used to hate the Bailiffs.

And now look at us,
we're sitting here cheering them on.

I need the little girl's room.

I'm going to bring you back
a tissue, Mother Teresa.

Just in case they repossess
that pink quad-bike.

Cheer her up. She's got a face
like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

She does know it's not just old age
that could kill her?

I'll talk to her, all right?
Don't worry.

I am worried, though.
That's the problem.

You've got your fertility
appointment this week. So?

My swimmers are Olympians, babe.
Trust me.

Duncan Goodhew on the top
and down below.

Just chill out.

How can I chill out

when I've got that battleaxe
in my ear hole all day?

Rude to whisper. False alarm.

It happens at my age.

Give it a few years and you'll
find out for yourself, Lorraine.

You hear that?

Ice cracking.

You get rid of her today.

Or I will.


I hear ya, Lex. But you stayed there
last night, too,

and you're back at school
on Wednesday.

Please can I have a coffee

and anything you've got
that's bad for you.

I did think that we could
have a movie night,

but, if you want to leave
your old Mum in on her own,
then that's on you.

Unless you wanted to make me
an offer?


Well, chuck in a week of
dishwasher emptying too

and you've got yourself a deal?

All right. I love you, too.

You cut a good deal.

You don't do wicked step-mum
lessons, do you?

Let me guess. Lily?

Arthur's really struggling.

Lily's living at her nan's,
so Martin's trying to get her home

with us to help him settle in,
but she won't have it.

I really want to help but.
I'm the reason she's there.

I can't win, eh?
It ain't about winning.

It's about not losing.
Look, the trick is,

you let them think they're winning
and then you sneak a draw.

Sprinkle a bit of emotional
blackmail in there

and you're laughing.

You're a businesswoman, right?

Make her an offer.

You can't have ice in your drinks
these days.

They water measures down enough.
All that'll get me is hydrated.

Sorry, Nan. I'll swap it for ya.

That wife of yours doesn't like me,
does she?

What? Course she does.

You lie like I play the French horn.

You didn't just bring me here
for a drink. Speak your mind.

Right, Rainie is going
through a rough patch at the minute.

A rough patch?

A handsome husband by her side.

A roof over her head.

By the looks of it,

I'm sure she's been dragged through
rougher patches.

If you ask me,
you could do a lot better.

She's been through a lot.

Haven't we all?

No excuse for rudeness.

I mean it, Nan.
You've got no idea.

And you don't want to know.

What are we talking here?

Drink? Drugs?!

She's got me now. And I've got her.

That's all the matters.

Me and Rainie, we go together.
I'm beans, she's toast.

I'm fish, she's chips.

She's Jerry Springer, I'm Steve-O.

Who's the hell's Steve-O?

That doesn't matter.

All that matters is that she's
the one for me.

I love her, Nan.
More than anything.

You always did like a wild one.

You need somebody nice.
Somebody who'll look after you.

I can't, Nan.

She's my wife.

And she ain't happy.

Maybe it's time you
thought about going ho...

Be a good boy and grab us
another one of them, will ya?

No ice. Your old Nan's
spitting feathers. Yeah.

Hi. Oh, hey.
You all right?

Yeah, you OK? Yeah.

I thought I'd better give you
something you couldn't use for GBH.

I can still stick 'em
where the sun don't shine.

So do yourself a favour and go home.

I just want to look after ya.

I don't need looking after.

And I don't need you
fighting my battles for me.

I just wanted you in my corner.

But you was too busy fighting
your own.

You're right, you're right.

And I'm sorry.

Well, I ain't just come
to give you flowers.

The Laundrette is for sale.

I want us to buy it. I want you to
go into business with me, Kat.

Brilliant, ain't it?

I'm mean, she's fit,
she's got bundles of money,

a city nightclub,
she's a gangster's daughter.

And she's still getting the
run around from a cheeky little cow,

just like me.

It's funny how the world evens out,
ain't it? Indeed.

You have to take
your little victories
where you can find them, right?

Earth to Isaac.

Am I boring you or something?

Sorry. What did I miss?

Ruby. She's stressing about Lily.
So I gave her a little tip or two.

I was just sharing the good news.

Why's that good news?

Them kids have been through a lot.

Yeah, I know. I'm just laughing
about Ruby stressing...

Oh, do you know what, don't worry,

I'll just keep my mouth shut,
shall I?

No. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it's just...

It's just what?
You've been on that all day.

What's the matter?

I asked some of the kids
I work with to do some worksheets.

Just to keep them ticking over
until we start up again.

And only two out of the ten
have managed it.

Just gets you thinking, innit?

Like, never mind the work,
some of them probably haven't

had a decent meal all half-term.
I just worry about them, you know?

If only all the teachers
were as caring as my boy, eh?

The kids are back at school now,

So you'll be able to keep
a better eye on them, won't you?

Isaac, there's only so much
you can do, you know.

All right. Come on,
let's go down the pub, eh?

I could do with a distraction.

And what better distraction is there

than taking my beautiful girlfriend
for a drink.

Right? Right.

Lily. You've got a visitor.

Me and you need a chat.

Why. What have I done now?

Nothing. I just want to
sort things out.

You mean you're here
to have a go at me again.

No, Lily, just listen to me.
Right, let's just leave it there,
shall we? Let sleeping dogs...

..sleep. And we'll try again

We've all got enough on our plates.

Yeah, I know we do,
but this is important.

Look, I know you don't like me.
And I wouldn't like me either.

But that don't matter, because
I know how much you love your dad.

And your little brother
and your little sister.

And, right now, they need you home.

Your brother especially.

Why? What's wrong with him?

No, he's just a little boy
that's been through a lot.

And he needs his big sister.

Do you blame him?

Lily, I'm not gonna talk down to you
because you're too clever for that.

And I'm not trying to be your mum.

Or your friend. I'm just here
to thrash out a deal

to make us all happy.

So, can I sit down?
Make it happen?

If not for me, for Arthur.

I've brought cake.

Come on, Cal. We've only got
15 minutes left of our shift.

Let's call it a day. What did you
join the service for, eh?

To sit around and wait for cases
to just fall into your lap?

All I'm saying is, we've been
knocking about here for ages.

The bloke's not going to return
to the scene of the crime, is he?

That's the first rule of crim club,
ain't it? Yeah,

but we know this is his manor,
don't we. So let's just try, yeah?

You don't have to prove yourself
to someone like Phil Mitchell.

Bald and angry, from earlier?

He's your father-in-law, right?

Oh, come on, Cal. I've only been
on the firm for five minutes

and I already know who he is.

Whatever trouble you
and your fella are going through,

that's between you two, not him.

You're a good guy,
and he's the bad guy, right?

So why should you change
what you do to make him happy?

I've got the ring, I've got a table
booked, I've got it all sorted.

I really can't be working late
tonight, Cal.

So, let's call it a day, yeah?

Dark hair, Dragon on his hoodie.
That's him, Fitz.

If we get this wrong, I ain't got
time to write it this up all night.

So, let's just call it in...
Listen, this ain't all I am.

It is what I do.
And it's what WE do.

So I'm nicking him today.
With or without you.

Come on, then. Let's have him.

Oi! Stop!


Out the way! Out the way!
Move! Move!

Fitz, go round! Cut him off!

Move! Move! Out the way!


Cal?! Have you seen him...?




You ain't taking me nowhere!