Early Edition (1996–2000): Season 1, Episode 22 - Dad - full transcript

(crickets chirping,
dog barks in distance)

(woman moaning, giggling)

(footsteps snapping twigs)

CHUCK:
The world is a scary place.

(twig snaps)

Did you hear that?

I mean, just take a look

at the headlines sometimes.
Hear what?

You've got your serial killers,

your flesh-eating viruses...
Ted, don't be
so paranoid.

...your wild packs
of carnivorous coyotes



roaming the countryside.

You never know what's gonna
pop out of the dark.

Hi.

(screams)

Hey, don't worry.
I'm not here to hurt you.

Who are you?

Never mind that.

Your father's
on the way.

Why?

Why?

He's coming for you, pal.

Ah, so what?
That guy doesn't even know me.

Oh, well, that's good

'cause he's bringing a
Louisville Slugger with him.



I gotta go.

Ted, wait.

Oh, my God.

That's him.
See ya, Jennifer.

Call me tomorrow.

Yeah, right.

All right, who is he?!

God, he's really angry.

Can you help me?

I'm 20 years old.

My father's a nut case.
Please?

Who's this?

He's my date.
Huh?

What's his name?

I don't know.

You didn't even tell
her your name?

I... Oh, what's that?!

Hey, come back here!

Sometimes the scariest things
out there

are the things
you simply don't understand.

Take, for example,

a guy who gets
tomorrow's newspaper today.

What's scarier than that?

GARY:
Whoa!

(water splashes)

(theme music plays)

♪ ♪

(shower running)

(cat purring)

(shower stops)

(shower curtain opens)

(knocking at door)

CHUCK (sing-songy):
Gare... good morning.

Wake up.

(knocking)

Come on, buddy.
It's me.

Gare, open up!

Good morning.

What's so good about it?

You look gorgeous.

What, you get up on the
wrong side of the bed?

No, I never went to bed.

Oh, yeah?

And, uh, where did you spend
the night?

In a swamp.

Any particular reason you spent
the evening in a swamp?

This.

It leads. I follow.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Did anybody say thank you,
at least?

What do you think?

You want my advice?

You need help.

What kind of help
do you suggest?

You need someone that you can
talk to,

someone to help you lighten
the load a little bit.

I thought that was you.

Someone you can trust.

Ah.

Maybe you should tell
your folks.

What?

Yeah.

I mean, look at you.

You're pale,
you're not having very much fun.

Why don't you
invite them down

for the weekend, have
them take care of you?

You can bond.

I definitely think you should
tell your folks.

You know what I think?

I think

out of all the advice that
you've given me, Chuck,

that that is the worst.

My parents here
in Chicago.

You gotta be joking me.

In all this time, you've
never breathed a word to them

or dropped even
a slight hint?

You got it.

Whoo!
That's a big secret

to keep from the people
that changed your diapers.

What do you expect me
to do?

Go home and say, "Gee, Mom, Dad,
I forgot to tell you,

but I get tomorrow's
paper today."

That'd be great.

And my dad,
can you imagine him?

First thing he'd want
to do is help.

And you know what
that means. He'd...

There it is.

All right.

Remember the paper route
in seventh grade?

Or how about that explosive
science project?

We were lucky to get
out of there alive.

Yeah, well, let's just get
out of here alive, okay?

Hey, anybody in there?

All right.
Nobody's in there.

Put this thing out.
Let's go.

I know this trailer.

Yeah? Come on.
Let's go.

The thing's gonna blow.

I know that smell.

Gare, come on! Now!

I'll get the door. Go!

(both coughing)

What is that smell?

Gnocchi.

Oh, no. You're not
gonna believe this.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am.

What's going on here?

Chuckie, is that you?

Bernie!

(laughs) There's my boy!

Gare.
Dad.

Hey!
Good to see ya.

Hey!

Is this a joke?

You guys are playing

a joke on me?
Where there's smoke...

No, your trailer's
on fire, Dad.

...there's fire.
Really?
Yeah.

So this is it, huh?

Well, let's have a look around.

Yeah, make yourself
at home, Mr. Hobson.

Not much in the way
of furnishings,

but, wow, look at this view.

Fantastic.

Yeah. So, Dad, uh...

Hey, how'd you find this place?

Back of a matchbook.

Oh!
Oh!

Chucko, still
the old jokester, huh?

That's me.

So how's the stock market
business?

Well, you know,
it has...

BOTH: ...its ups, and
it has its downs.

Hey, it's good to see you guys.

How long's it been?

Well, over a year,
right?

Yeah, well, we've been busy,
you know, saving the world.

Yeah?
So, hey, Dad,
listen,

so what, what are you
doing here in town?

Since when does a guy need
an excuse

to come and see his kid, huh?

You should have seen
the traffic out there.

Hey, I gotta wash up.

How about some coffee?

You guys got
any coffee?

Yeah, it's in
the pantry.

You call this a pantry?
Look at this.

CHUCK:
He's your dad, buddy.

Look, I gotta go back
to the office

and take care of some
very important business.

Yeah. Hey, listen...
Good luck.

Let's see what
we've got here.

Filters, cups, coffee.

Are you all right?

You want to have
a little coffee with me?

Come on. You didn't answer me.
You got me worried here.

What's wrong?

Why does something always have
to be wrong?

I felt like taking
a little trip.

You've had that trailer locked
up for ten years in mothballs.

I talked to you
the other day,

you're out in your shed,
building cabinets.

You don't mention
anything about visiting.

And now, all of a sudden,
here you are. What's going on?

She threw me out.

Who threw you out?

Your mother.

She threw me out.

When did that happen?

Last Tuesday.

You've been driving around
for a week?

Well, I took the scenic route.

Did a little fishing.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I
doing? I'm calling Mom.

(laughs)

Are you kidding me?

She packed those bags
with her own little hands,

set 'em out on the porch, closed
the door, and said, "See ya."

Dad, after 35 years,

what'd you do to
make her so mad?

Ya got me.

Dad.

Okay.

I retired.

That's it?

Well, that's my point, isn't it?

Exactly.

You spend your whole life
on your job,

and then all of a sudden, bam,
that's it.

You're finished.

Out of there.

Well, not me.
I got a lot to do.

Well, like what?

You sound just like her.

That's exactly what she said.
"Like what?"

Well, then, what did you say?

I said, "I am too young
to spend the rest of my life

building shelves
for your china."

You said that to Mom?

I said that to Mom, and that's
when she threw me out.

She said, "Come back when you've
found whatever it is

you're looking for."

Dad...
So I hooked up
the trailer.

I went up to Yellowstone.

I saw Old Faithful.

Hey, I fished the lower Madison,
I fished the upper Madison,

then I fished

he Clearwater, then I fished
the Yellowstone,

and then I got real tired
of fishing.

So I circled around, I headed
down to the Grand Canyon,

spit in there, and then, uh...

I came here.

(dialing tones)

Yeah, you came here.
Now you're gonna go home.

Really?

Mom, hey,

how ya doing?

Listen, Mom...

Yeah, I'm eating fine.

Listen, is there anything
that you want to tell me?

Yeah... no.

Mom, Dad's here.

Huh?

No, Mom, Mom...

I, I know. I...

Yeah, I love you, too.

I... Okay. Uh...

Well, I guess it's just
the two of us, pal.

Which closet's mine?

So he's staying, huh?

No.

Just long enough for Mom
to calm down,

then he's going home.

(blues music playing)

Hey, you got any gnocchi?

What's gnocchi?

Never mind.
Just give me

two fingers of scotch and a
glass of water with some lime.

You got it.

Has this ever happened before?

No. I mean, the guy's...

He's always been the Rock
of Gibraltar, huh?

Well, it looks like the rock
is starting to roll.

Well, I think he's
pretty charming.

I mean, maybe it'll be good
for you, you know,

like a father-son bonding.

Is that what they teach you
in psychology?

Oh, come on, Gary.
He loves you.

Don't be so hard on him.
I'm not being
hard on him.

I love him.
He's my father.

I'm just being practical.

He's got his life,
and I've got mine.

Not to mention the newspaper
at your doorstep.

Yeah. You... Listen to me.

You don't mention
anything about that,

you understand?
(stifled moans)

You can't keep it a secret.
I mean, he is gonna

be living in your house...

For a couple of days,
and that's it.
And then?

And then, uh... then I'll talk
to him. He'll listen.

I'll just... I'm just gonna have
to be tough on him.

BERNIE:
Marissa?

Thank you, sir.

Listen, Dad, I uh...
To old friends...

and new.
Before you do that, I want...

Here's to new adventures,
come what may.

Son, you're not toasting.

Well, that's because...

Here's to finding
ourselves, Chuck.

Right behind you, Bernie.

Okay.

Finally, to family.

To the ones who love you,
to the ones who pull

your fat from the fire,
the ones who stand by you

when you have no
place else to go.

Salud.

(glasses clink)
MARISSA:
Cheers.

CHUCK:
L'chaim.

Gare?

Yeah.

You don't mind me
being here, do you?

No. What are you talking about?

I'm just worried
about you and Mom.

That's all.

I appreciate that.

So what's up for tomorrow?

(cat meows, purrs)

I have no idea.

Dad.

BERNIE:
Making breakfast.
Scrambled okay?

Yeah.

(eggs beating)

Hell of a day
out there, son.

People all over the place,
like roaches.

Did you turn
my alarm clock off?

Yeah, I did. It
went off at 6:30.

You were sounding
like an 18-wheeler

with the jake brake on, so
I figured, "What the hell?

Kid doesn't have a job.
We'll let him sleep in."

Hey, you mind if
I ask you a question?

What?

What do you do
with yourself all day?

Oh. Um... Well, I, uh...

Well, you know,
I, uh, I do, uh...

Not much. Uh...

Not much?

That doesn't sound
like you, Gare.

Well, I...

(meows)

(meows)

Did you get
the paper today?

Yeah, I did.

Did you read the paper?

Of course, I read it.
That's what papers are for.

And?

The funnies weren't funny,

if that's what you mean. Why?

(nervous laughter)

Nothing.

Hey, by the way,

you can't find anything
in this kitchen.

What you need are some
more shelves, you know?

Your mother always
used to say that...

Never mind.

You want some coffee?

Yeah.

Listen, Dad, uh...

maybe you ought to
call Mom today, huh?

Your mother
was right.

She was?

Yeah. Throwing me out.

She had every reason to.

She did?

For one thing,

I insulted her china.

For another thing,

a man ain't worth diddly-squat
unless he's got some direction.

I need to find my direction.

How are you gonna do that?

No idea.

But it'll come to me.

Like that time we got stuck

in the tree house.
You remember that?

Oh, yeah.

We couldn't get down.

The rope ladder
broke and...
(meows)

...there we were.
No way down.

You thought we'd be
stuck there forever,

till we starved to death.

Of course, I agreed,
but I couldn't say so.

So I'm thinking, what's the
worst that could happen?

Broken leg,
broken neck.

It took me a while,
but I figured it out.

This is today's.

Of course, it's
today's paper.

I went down and got it
fresh from the newsstand.

Yeah, well, what
happened to the,

the one that...
the other, the...

I got rid of it.
You what?

There was something
wrong with that,

you know, it was cockamamie.

Had the wrong headline,
had the wrong date on it.

What'd you do with it?

I told you. I got rid of it.

Where?

I gave it away.

Dad, to who?

Some old guy who was
pushing a shopping cart.

(mumbling)

BERNIE: I don't
believe this.

Are you out
of your mind?

50 bucks for a newspaper.

That's pretty steep,
even at home.

Yeah... Yeah.

So what's the deal? You
a collector, or what?

Well, something
like that. Yeah.

Kind of a
hobby, huh?

Maybe that's what
I need, a hobby.

Electric trains
or something.

Maybe I could go
in on this with you.

No, Dad. No,
you can't go in.

We're not going out...

Look. Don't you think you
ought to call Mom today?

Can't do that, Gare.

I made my break.

The bullet's
out of the gun.

No going
back now.

Dad, listen. I gotta go.

What?

What's the rush?

Why don't we
get something

to eat, you know?
I betcha we could
I can't do that.

find some gnocchi
around here.
Well, I'd like to,

but I can't do that.
I-I gotta go.

Are you sick, son?
No, I'm not sick.

It's just that I got
something I gotta do.

Okay. I'll
go with you.
No, no, no, no,
no. Absolutely not.

Look. You just,
you, uh, you do...

You know, why
don't you--

I'll meet you back
at the apartment.
I gotta go. Okay?

I'll talk
to you later.

Hey, Gare! Wait up!

Dad.

What else am I gonna
do? Go shopping?

Listen. I gotta do
this alone. All right?

Fine. I won't say a
word. I'm invisible.

All right. Look. Uh...

All right. Here we are.

Huh?

Uh... Yeah.

Uh, I've got
an appointment.

Job interview.

Huh?

You got a job interview.
Why didn't you tell me

you had a job interview?
I can't go

to a job interview with
you, I'm your father.

They'll think you're nuts.

Of course, they will.

That's why, that's why...

That's why I think you
should get a cup of coffee.

Good idea.
All right?

Good luck, son.

Thank you.
Hey, look.

I'll be right
back, all right?

Just stay here.
Okay.

Oh, boy.

Okay. You ready?

Are you sure this
is a good idea?

Of course,
it's a good idea.

I thought of it, didn't I?

But why do I have to go?

Because.

Because what?

Because who's gonna
hold the rope?

Hey!

Don't do that!

Who are you?

It doesn't matter.
You're gonna fall.

What are you doing?

No, he's not. I'm just
going to lower him.

You're gonna what?

Like Indiana Jones and
the Temple of Doom.

Tied the knots myself.

Yeah, well, that's great,
but it's not gonna work, kid.

Ignore him. Come on.

Hey! Now,
listen to me.

Listen to me, uh,
Derek and Jimmy.

Now, what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna

come up there and I'm
gonna tell your mother...

No, I'm not gonna
tell your mother

'cause your mother's
not home, is she?

So listen to me, I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.

We dropped our dad's baseball.

You what?

His Willie Mays baseball.

It's in there.

Well, why don't you
come down and get it?

Can't. Mom says we can't
go out the front door.

Look. Just stay
there, all right?

Don't do anything.
I'll get the baseball.

(mutters)

Where is it?

It's there!

Where?

Right there.

You sure...? Oh!

(laughing)

WOMAN:
Boys?!

It's Mom.
I'm home!

Hey, I got it!

Hey, kid!

Hey, kid. I got your ball!

BERNIE:
What the hell's
going on here?

Oh, I, uh, um, uh...

Uh, well...

What's that?

Willie Mays.

You're in trouble,
aren't you?

Dad, no, I'm not
in any trouble.

Ha! Here's what I see.

Okay? I see a guy who buys
a newspaper from a bum.

I see a guy who's
in a dumpster

up to his keester
in orange peels.

I see a guy who's in
trouble and who's

also hiding
something from me.

Excuse me.

Um, I know you, don't I?

You're the man
from the woods

last night, the one who
snuck up on my car.

(nervous chuckle)

I just want you to
know that I'm sorry

for how I behaved,
but, uh...

you were great.

It's just my father,
you know. He's like

some sort of madman.
He follows me everywhere.

You'd think he'd trust
his own daughter, huh?

How did she behave?

Dad...
Anyway,

whatever you saw in that paper,

thanks for
rescuing me.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

'Bye.

Hey. What are
you doing?

Dad. Hey!

Look at this. Whoopee!
You know how
you've got

your electric trains
and everything?

Well, that's your hobby,
and this is mine.

That's all it is.

Yeah, but-- this
is some hobby.

Hey. Now, look. You collect
some things, I collect

some things.
Yeah? Huh?

(brakes squealing)

(chickens clucking)

What are you doing?

(truck crashes)

Hey! What are you...?

Hey!

Hey!

(horns honking,
chickens clucking)

I don't believe it.

(clucking)

(elevator bell dings)

Tomorrow's
newspaper...

today.

It comes in
the morning.

With the cat.
With the cat.

So, you read a
story in the paper,

then you run out
into the city

and you save
somebody's life,

and then, just like that,
the story is gone?

Well, uh, some...
something like that.

Well, how do
they do that?

Some kind of
special ink?

Well, uh...

I-I-I'm not
sure. I, uh...

I'll bet it's the ink.

Hmm. Disappearing ink.

The army was working on
a project like that

when I was at Fort Briggs.

Top secret stuff.

Oh.

Look, Dad...

I really didn't mean for you
to find out about this.

You don't even have to say it.

If something like
this gets out,

it could cause
a lot of trouble.

Yeah.
Don't worry. Your secret
is safe with me.

Good.

I'm very relieved
to hear that.

What the hell?
I'm your old man.

If I can't help, who can?

Yeah.

What do you mean, help?

With this.

We're in this together, right?

Oh, no. No, no, we... no.

(groans)

There's nothing to say.
Gare, hear me out
on this, will ya?

Thanks for the offer,
but the answer is no.

Seems to me that you're
not thinking straight.

Everyone needs a leg up
once in a while.

GARY:
Yeah, well,
that's great,

but my legs, they're fine.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I'm using your VCR.

Mine's busted.

X-Files are on tonight.

So, uh, how's it going
with you two, huh?

Did you know he gets
tomorrow's paper?

That was fast.

Son, this is too much
responsibility for one man.

How long has this
been going on?

About a year.

No wonder you
look so tired.

You're carrying the whole
world around on your back.

Where you going?

I'm going to call Mom.

Oh, put the phone down.

Come on, put the phone
down, will ya?

You want to know what
I'm thinking here?

I'm remembering that
summer we went camping.

You were around ten years old,
remember?

And you wanted to sleep
outside in your sleeping bag.

I wanted you to stay
in the tent.

But you wanted to do what you
wanted to do, by yourself.

So about 11:00, I get
this feeling. I go out

to see how you're doing.

And there you are in your
sleeping bag,

shaking like a leaf,
scared out of your wits.

But you didn't want
to go back in.

So I came out,
and I stayed with you.

Now, I'm not saying
that I believe in ESPN

or anything like that.
CHUCK:
ESP.

What?

E-S-P.

I... that's what I said. ESP.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

You said "ESPN."
Chuck, I know what I...
I know what I said.

That's what I said.

You did not say that.

You said "ESPN."
Guys!

Look, all I'm saying is

maybe there's a
reason I'm here,

a reason besides
your mother's china.

Maybe I can be of some help.

Come on, Gare.

Give your old man
a chance, will ya?

You won't regret it.

(rock music playing)

(tires screech)

(tires squealing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(air hissing)

(Bernie laughing)

You should have
been there.

It was such a trip.

So you like this
save-the-world stuff, huh?

You know, I can't remember
ever having so much fun.

Fun?

That's something
we don't hear very much.

What is this stuff?

I don't know.

It's not gnocchi.

What's "nokey"?

BERNIE: Hasn't anyone in this
town ever heard of gnocchi?

Gare. Hey!
Hmm?

It's your shot.
Oh.

Give me the
chalk, would ya?

So how's it going?

Good. Uh...

No one got hurt,
and nothing got blown up.

So you're thinking you're
out of the woods, huh?

Gare, I don't want
to say anything.

It's none of my business.

But, uh, I think you're
headed for trouble.

At the rate you're going,

you're gonna end up
with a permanent partner.

GARY:
What are you talking about?

CHUCK:
I've known your old man
almost as long as you have.

Look at him.

You're playing with fire.

He's a good guy.
Yeah.

Look at those eyes.

Look at those eyes
looking at that paper.

Well, he's...

Dad, uh, listen...

I was just...
you know...
Yeah, I know.

Dad, look, I hope you don't
think this is going to be

a permanent thing, I mean
this... us working together.

Hell, no.

Are you kidding me?

In the first place,
it's a waste of manpower.

Two guys covering the same
story, that's nuts.

Tomorrow we split it up.

Huh?
Yeah, I know I'm

new at this, but I really think
I'm getting a feeling for it.

You know, first thing I need
is a very good watch.

Uh-oh.
Then I figure

you take page one,

I take page two...
No, Dad. Dad, listen.

Listen.
What?

I...

I'm glad you had
a good time and all,

but, uh...
I don't want your help.

Okay, okay.

If that's how you feel.

I just thought we
might try to...
Look, no more.

I was only going
to suggest...

Look, Dad, I need you
to promise me something...

that you'll keep away
from the paper, all right?

Ah, Gare.

Dad, come on.

Look, it's nothing
to fool with.

Believe me, I know.

I need you to give
me your word.

All right, I promise.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

(cat meowing)

How are ya, buddy?

(meowing)

He did it again.

Dad, I told you not to turn
the alarm clock off.

Dad.

Hey, Dad?

(meowing)

The paper.

Oh, no.

(sirens wailing)

CRUMB:
All right, let's
block up this whole

block here now.

Get me the phone.

Hey, Crumb.

Oh, no. What do you want?
Who's in there?

Gee, I was hoping
you could tell me.

There wouldn't happen to be
a guy with a grudge

and a gun with hostages
in there, would there?

Sir, we've got someone
on the line.

Some nut with a grudge?
Not the nut.

Some guy named Hobson.

That might be my father.

What, there are two of you?

He says they're
coming out.

Really?
Really?

MAN:
There they are.

It's okay. It's okay.

There's no trouble.
Everything's fine.

MAN:
People, everybody
on the sidewalk.

Hey, Gare, what
are you doing here?

Dad, what are you doing?
You promised me.

Well, when you weren't
up this morning...

You turned off
the alarm clock.

You were sound asleep.
I figured I could handle it.

Dad, you promised me.

Aw, what's the

big deal, Gare?

Everything worked out great.

You know, I think I got
a knack for this.

Hey, this nut, what
happened to his gun?

He just gave it to you?
Just like that?

No. I sweet-talked
him out of it.

What did you say to him?

I said, "What good is
a gun gonna do you?

"If you want people
to listen to you,

you gotta think bigger
than a gun."

So he handed me the gun,

threw his laundry down,
and we came out.
What laundry?

I don't know. Some laundry he
had wrapped in some paper.

You know, Chinese stuff

or something.

Everybody, get down!
Everybody, get down!

It's a bomb!

(panicked screams)

I'm hungry.

What do you say we
go get some gnocchi?

Does this guy know I was a
volunteer fireman for six years?

Put a lid on it, would you?

I'm just trying to get
the ball rolling.

Bernie...

It is Bernie?

Actually, it's Bernard,
but my friends call me Bernie.

Well, Bernard, I have
three choices here.

One, I can arrest you

for interfering
with police activity.

Two, I can recommend
you for a medal

for saving
all those lives.

Or three, I can throw the two
of you out of here on your ear.

I kind of like
the medal thing.

Three!

Three.

GARY:
Don't say anything.

BERNIE:
Listen...

I don't want
an explanation.

I thought I could help.
You thought you could help.

You blew up a video store.

Let me ask you something.
What would Mom think
about that, huh?

Well, she wouldn't like it.

No, she wouldn't like that
very much, would she?

Listen, son,

I just want you to know,
for what it's worth,

I think I learned
my lesson here.

This thing is nothing to
be fooling around with.

I'm glad to hear that.

It won't happen again.
Good.

From now on,

you should do
the lifesaving stuff,

and I'll back you up.

All right... What?
Remember when you
were about nine?

We were playing softball
at one of the picnics.

You were pitching.
I was backing...
Dad!

No more.

Do you understand?

No more.

Gare...

Hey, Gare, wait up.

Gare.

Gare, wait up.

Where are we going?

Home.
Great.

I'm gonna pack your
bags and I'm gonna put
them in the trailer.

Why?

Because you're leaving.
Not tomorrow, today.

And I don't want any more
stories about when I was
six years old, all right?

You remember that birthday party
when we went to the circus?

Look, Dad, you know what?
Mom was right.

You're trying
to find yourself.

That's fine, but let me
tell you something.

Don't try to find
yourself in me, okay?

Is that how you feel?

Yes, that's how I feel.

All right, fine.

I'll pack my own bags.

Aw!

Which one?
The one over there?

Hey, Dad. Whoa.

Excuse me.

Gary Hobson?

Yeah. I know you?

No. But you know my daughter.

Oh, you're, uh...

That's right, sonny.

(gun hammer cocking)

How about we take a little ride?

Now.

So where are we going?

None of your business.

Maybe I shouldn't be...

You know what's wrong
with the world today?

People don't have any
respect for their parents.

Look, mister, uh...

See what I mean?

You're after my daughter,

and you don't even
know her last name.

I hardly even
know your daughter.

Oh, is that why you

were in the woods
together two nights ago?

No, no, no. See,
that wasn't me... I...

I mean, it was me,
but I wasn't in the
woods with your daught...

Look, I wasn't there
because I liked your
daughter... I mean, I...

You know, you're not
helping your case any
here, you know that?

No, I'm not.

Lost again.

Hey, yo, which way's Canada?

Thanks, pal.

(cat meowing)

What have we got here,
a stowaway?

(meowing)

You're not coming
with me, fur ball.

You're going back to the hotel.

(meowing)

GARY:
Look, what do you say
we talk this over, huh?

No. I've tried that.

I... she doesn't
listen to me.

I told her no dating
until she's 21.

But she dates anyway.

So the time to
talk is over.

It's time to
show by example.

What do you need me for?

You're going to
be the example.

Gare.

Dad.

Hey.

Don't make me put you
in the trunk.

He's in trouble, isn't he?
(meowing)

Hang on, son. I'm coming.

Look...
Nick.

It's Nick.

Nick, are you sure
you want to do this?

'Cause I know I don't
want to do this.

Yeah, well, you should have
thought about that

before you snuck around behind
my back with Jennifer.

Sneaked... Look, you know,
you can't spend the rest

of your life trying to kill your
daughter's boyfriends, Nick.

And, uh, why is that?

Well, because no matter
how many of them you kill,

you know, there's always
gonna be more of 'em.

What?

Let me... let me
rephrase that.
(car horn honking)

What the hell is
that idiot doing?

(horn honks)

I'm coming, son. Hold on.

What's with that guy?

That would be my dad.

Yeah, what does he want?

I think he wants
you to stop, Nick.

Fat chance.

(tires squealing)

(horns honking)

Persistent bastard.

You have no idea.

There's no escaping
the Gray Ghost.

(meowing)

(tires squealing)

(horn honks)

(tires squeal)

(chuckles)

He's right on my tail.

Ollie, ollie, in free.

You can't get away

from me.

Yikes!

I lost him.

Not quite.

(gun cocking)
You all right?

Yeah.

No, he's not.
Who are you, and what
do you want with my kid?

What does he want
with my daughter?

I asked first.

Yeah, well, I'm older.

Are you sure about that?

I've got the gun.

You're right. You're first.

I caught them together
in the woods.

The paper?

No, Dad, let...

look, whatever your name is...

Relax. Will ya let me
handle this?

What is your name?

Nick.

Well, Nick, what's she
like, your daughter?

What's...

She drives me crazy.

I... all I want is
what's best for her,

but she won't listen to me.

They do that, don't they?

How old is she?

NICK:
She's just 20.

I remember when he was 20.

Wouldn't listen to
anything I had to say.

Then I figured it out.

Somewhere along the line,

he learned what I was
trying to tell him.

Remember when she
was a baby?

All those cries?

One meant that
she was

hungry, one meant
that she was tired.

You figured it out, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, see?
It's no different now.

She's grown up, yeah,
but she's still your kid.

You gotta listen to her.

She'll tell you
what she needs.

And they'll tell you
what they don't need.

And what about me?

Same as me.

We're still
their fathers...

...no matter what kind of asses
we make of ourselves.

Hey, are you hungry?
What do you say we go grab

something to eat
and talk this over?

NICK:
Yeah, there's a...

a place up the road.

They serve gnocchi.

BERNIE:
Really?

Is it any good?

Not like mine, but it'll do.

Great. Why don't you drive?

I never rode in one
of these things.

You like this?

Yeah, they're the best.
Yeah.

Dad... you want some company?

I thought you'd never ask.

Follow us in my rig.

Hey, you got a phone in
here and everything, huh?

Uh... hey!

CHUCK:
They say that no one can
teach you to be a father.

But it's not really true.

Because every father was
once somebody's son.

It was such a pleasure
to meet you, Marissa.

Same to you,
Mr. Hobson.

Oh, you can call me Bernie.

Bernie.

Bernie.

Take care of
yourself, Chucko.

Because nobody else...

...will.
...will.

You're right. Ooh!

What's wrong?
You got indigestion?

Something I ate,
I think, huh?

There aren't any cats
in there, are there?

No, no.

Hey, Dad, listen, you
want to stick around,
I'm telling you...

Nah, it's time.

I've spent enough time
saving your bacon.

Besides, I talked to your
mother this morning.

She misses me.

What did you tell her?

I told her it was
all your fault.

Oh, Dad.

Look, son, I know this
is not easy for you.

You've got a big job to do here.

God knows, I couldn't handle it.

I'm proud of you, son.

MARISSA:
Hey, Bernie.

You sure you're not going
to miss saving the world?

I got better things to do.

I've got shelves to build.

Hey, Dad.

Come back anytime, huh?

There's always tomorrow.

(engine turns)

Hey...

Take care.

CHUCK:
The thing is, you don't get
to pick your parents.

No one automatically gets
the father they want.

No one.

Sometimes, however,
if you're lucky,

and if you're blessed, you
get the father you need.

That's the best
you can hope for.

And really, it's more
than enough.