Early Edition (1996–2000): Season 1, Episode 11 - Christmas - full transcript
Tis the Yuletide season, and Chuck is about to embark on an exciting skiing trip when his car is impounded. After becoming belligerent with the police, Chuck is thrown into a jail cell with a man who believes he is Santa Claus. They escape in a stolen car and head for McGinty's Bar. Meanwhile, Gary and Detective Crumb try to catch a mad bomber, only to discover the bomber is actually stalking them. They finally catch up to him in McGinty's, where he is threatening to blow the place up. Chuck and Santa Claus show up, and a standoff occurs until Santa grabs the bomb, rushing outside where it promptly detonates, killing Santa. Later, Chuck and Gary both receive very special Christmas presents, causing them to wonder if Santa really was blown up.
(children singing
"Deck the Halls")
♪ La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la ♪
Yay!
Whoa, Daddy!
♪ La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. ♪
(siren wailing)
(indistinct police radio
communication)
OFFICER:
Okay, follow me!
What's the story?
The bomber's
on the roof!
Get him surrounded.
There!
Uh, nothing.
Okay, what do we got?
I got him!
I finally nailed him.
(sighs)
That ain't
the bomber!
(siren wailing nearby)
Get him out of here.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
REPORTER:
Good morning. It's Christmas Eve
day here in Chicago.
Time to hang that mistletoe
and hit those stores.
The temperature stands
at a chilly 33 degrees,
but forecasters are calling
for things to warm up
for Santa's arrival tonight.
In the news today, police
continue their search
for the elusive
Teddy Bear Bomber,
who has terrorized Chicago
for almost three weeks.
(knock at door)
Yeah.
CHUCK:
Hey, buddy!
Merry Christmas!
What's that?
It's a tree.
You call that a tree?
I bought it for you.
You bought that?
Well, it fell off a truck.
I'm touched.
I knew you would be.
Wow, I see you've gone all out
with the holiday trimmings.
Looks very festive in here.
Very decorative.
Thank you.
I haven't exactly had
much time to do things.
I see. You're in denial.
It's understandable.
How's that?
Well, it's your first Christmas
alone, divorced,
living on top
of a hotel,
no social life.
(inhales sharply)
Must be rough.
Thank you very much for
reminding me of that, Chuck.
Fortunately, I have a cure
for your nagging
mid-winter blues.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Ta-da.
Lift tickets
to Wind Dance, buddy.
You got ski tickets?
You and me out
on the slopes
Christmas Eve,
couple of babes
in stretch pants.
I got my car back;
it's waiting down stairs.
Let's go! Pack a bag!
You got ski tickets?
Yep.
Gare?
Gare?
I can't go.
Why not?
What do you mean, "Why not?"
I can't go...
(cat meows)
(paper thuds against door)
(cat meows)
Come on, Gare,
one night out of town.
What is the big deal?
What's the big deal?
You know what
the big is.
I'm stuck with this...
(waitress clears throat)
People need help
on the holidays.
This holiday, I'm stuck
serving up the help.
Not if you're not there
to do it, right?
I had an uncle who killed
himself on Christmas.
Really?
Well, was he depressed?
No. Just stuck his fork
in the toaster.
(sighs)
All I'm saying is, Gare, you
have the right enjoy yourself.
Everyone does.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing tonight?
Waiting for Santa.
Santa?
Yeah. Why?
So you actually believe
in Santa Claus?
In theory at least.
In theory, you believe
that there's some
fat guy in a red suit
who flies around on a sled
and hangs out
with a bunch of elves.
Yeah, Mr. Grinch.
And what do you believe in?
Presents.
I'll come back later.
Thanks, Gidget.
Listen, Gary,
are you gonna go
with me or not?
Come on. The world can take
of itself for a day.
I don't think I'm gonna make it.
GARY:
An explosive device hidden
inside a child's toy teddy bear
detonated today at Bicentennial
Skating Rink
in downtown Chicago.
(people shouting)
Medic over here!
Move it!
The explosion, which occurred
at 10:45 in the morning,
killed 20 holiday skaters
and injured 50 more.
(garbled radio transmission)
Police revealed that the bomber
left a note in the wreckage,
but officials refused
to divulge the contents.
Now he's gonna become
a murderer.
I'm gonna need your help, Chuck.
Fine. Fine.
You save the world.
Me? I'm going skiing.
And do what?
Chase around a bunch of bunnies?
You got it.
Uh-huh.
Look, this is too big.
I'm going to need
some help.
I'm telling you...
Qualified help.
Yeah? And where are you going
to get that?
I almost hate to say it.
Say it anyway.
Well, sir...
No, no, I don't
want to hear it!
All I want to know
is who is this guy?!
Three weeks on this case,
he's running us ragged.
The mayor wants action.
Teddy bears, my butt.
Go on! Get out of here.
Sir?
What is it?
The mayor's on the phone...
again.
Tell him I'm dead!
Yes, sir.
And, um, there's someone
to see you.
What kind of someone?
He says he knows things
about the bomber.
Oh, of course he does.
Everybody knows things about
this bomber except me.
Tell him to beat it.
He also says
he knows you.
Me? What's his name?
Hobson.
Remember me?
Oh, no.
Merry Christmas!
Nice beard.
Polyester?
Merry Christmas!
Hey, Santa, get yourself
a real job, huh?
Up yours,
Scrooge.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you
very much.
(humming)
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Excuse me.
Is this your vehicle?
Yes, it is.
Nice.
Thank you. I'm going skiing.
I don't think so.
Excuse me?
You're coming downtown with us.
Scofflaw violation.
We're impounding your car.
(horn beeping)
(tires screech lightly)
A bomb? In the skating rink?
Yes, sir.
This morning?
That's right. 10:45.
But it hasn't happened yet?
No.
But it's going to, you're sure?
Yes.
And you know this because...?
Well, I'd rather not say.
Rather not say,
because if you did,
You wouldn't believe me.
I wouldn't believe you.
Who put you up to this anyway?
What?
Is this some guy with a sick
sense of humor,
some, some comedy guy?
No. Look, I'm telling you
the truth here.
Oh, sure you are.
Like all the other 87 hot tips
we got today, huh?
No. Look, this one is real.
People are gonna die.
I'm just trying
to help you here.
Of course you are.
This is flat.
Look, do me a favor.
Go help somebody else, huh?
Get him out of here.
Look, this is gonna happen.
Today, Crumb.
He's gonna
leave a note.
Did you say a note?
Okay, talk.
About what?
About the note.
Where is it?
What's it like?
Wh-What's it say?
Look, I don't know.
All I know is that
it's found in the wreckage.
Oh, like these were?
No one, not even
the press knew about these.
We're keeping it a secret.
Now, who told you?
I can't tell you.
Eight of these in three weeks,
all addressed to me.
"Ha-ha-ha.
Fooled you."
This guy's giving me headache.
Look, I'm sorry about that,
but what do you want me to do?
You're sorry? What about me?
This is Christmas Eve.
I should be home with my kids.
Instead, I'm sitting around
with some guy who thinks
he's The Amazing Kreskin.
And what's worse,
I'm even starting
to believe him.
Now, is that nuts?
Don't answer that.
The Bicentennial Skating Rink
in less than an hour?
Yeah.
No. We're staying here.
Sir, mayor's calling again.
I want bomb squad and S.W.A.T.
and lots of communication.
And warn the locals that we're
coming it in, but keep it quiet.
I don't want to cause a panic.
Excuse me.
Shouldn't you evacuate
the rink over there?
On what grounds?
A little birdie told me?
A little birdie?
Look, people get cranky
when you shut down
their business on a hunch.
Show me a bomb,
and then we'll talk.
Me?
I don't know where the bomb is.
I don't know exactly where
it is, but...
Fine. Come on along for the
ride. We'll have a lot of fun.
Oh, no, no, no.
Listen, Charlie...
Gary. It's Gary.
Whomever.
You're not walking
until I find this S.O.B.
You want to guess why?
Because it might be me.
Bingo. It might be you.
Get in the car.
(indistinct police radio
communication)
Shouldn't you be solving murders
or prosecuting drug dealers
or something?
This way.
This is ridiculous.
Who's this?
Fishman,
Charles.
Chuck, as my good friend the
congressman calls me.
Which congressman?
All of them.
Look, Sergeant,
there's obviously been
some sort of mistake here.
These Nazis took my car.
Now, I am willing
to overlook this...
What's he in for?
Parking tickets.
(chuckles)
See what I mean?
Parking tickets.
How many?
106.
(whistles)
Okay, so I park a lot.
It's a big city.
It happens.
You know, mail, schedules--
I've been so busy lately,
as I'm sure you have.
To tell you the truth...
...I thought I already paid.
So just what tell
me what the fine is,
I'll pay it,
and I'll be gone.
Too late for that.
Okay, then bail.
How much is bail?
A couple of hundred?
A grand?
I'll write you a
check right now, okay?
And then next week, after
I'm off the slopes...
That's up to the judge.
Judge?
Where?
Court convenes early
Thursday morning.
That's the day
after tomorrow.
What is this,
some sort of joke?
A little Yuletide humor?
Think of it as your
personal manger.
You can't do this.
This isn't Bolivia!
I'll call Johnny Cochran!
Oh, great.
This is just perfect.
MAN:
Think you got
problems?
I'm late for work.
Yeah?
And who are you?
Santa Claus.
(children singing "We Wish You
A Merry Christmas")
Okay, this is it.
How much time we got?
15 minutes. Maybe less.
Are you sure you don't want
to change your story?
No, this is going
to happen. Trust me.
Yeah, I was afraid of that.
Look, Crumb, can't we get
these people out of here
just to be on
the safe side?
You like skating?
Huh?
They like skating.
They came here to skate.
Let's take a look
around first, okay?
Yeah, well, you
better look fast.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Aunt Marge?
It's me, Chuck Fishman.
How are you?
Your nephew, remember?
Yeah.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Yeah, that's right,
the scrawny one.
Listen, Aunt Marge,
um, I'm in a bit
of a spot here,
and...
No, no, no.
I'm not coming to visit.
Uh-huh.
I'm in jail,
and I've called
everyone
I know and...
(dial tone)
Hello?
Marge?
Cut off?
Hung up.
She's like that.
Who?
Marge.
You know my aunt?
Oh, I know everyone.
Been to the house.
Oh, that's right,
because you're, uh...
Uh-huh.
Hey, can someone get in here?!
I'd like to make a complaint!
Sergeant?
His name's Eddie.
Used to call him "Stinker"
when he was eight--
don't bring it up.
He's sensitive.
Hello?!
Problem here?
Yeah, I got a problem.
When do I get out of rattrap?
Once we run through
your files.
The computer's
down right now.
Well, get it back up.
Have a little patience.
It's Christmas Eve.
Give me that
cellular phone.
This is a jail.
Hey, hey, hey.
(whispering):
What's with this guy?
Breaking and entering.
We picked him up
on a rooftop
trying to sneak down
a chimney.
Meant to clean
the whole place out.
It's not how it looked.
Look, I don't want
to seem pushy,
but I need to be going.
See, my sleigh's due pick me up
in a half hour in the park.
And then where, the North Pole?
Oh, Thailand.
You know how it is.
Once you behind on a gig
like this...
Fruitcake.
Well, a lot of kids are going
to be disappointed.
You really believe this,
don't you?
Well, don't you?
I think you're
out of your mind.
Then you're going to get
a lump of coal.
♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle,
jingle, jingle, jingle... ♪
♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
♪ Ring-ting-tingling... ♪
Anything yet?
No sign of it anywhere.
Did you check
the lockers?
Doing it now.
Well?
We just got to keep looking.
It's got to be somewhere.
Of course it is.
Unless, of course,
it ain't.
What does that mean?
Meaning maybe it's here,
maybe it's not.
Maybe it's on the moon.
Maybe you're the bomber.
Or maybe I'm just
out of my mind.
Well, that's a
good possibility.
Let me tell...
Nothing.
All right, we're
out of here.
You have some
explaining to do.
What are you talking about?
You can't leave.
Try me.
Look, people are going
to die, Crumb.
Yeah, me from frostbite
if I don't out of...
What are you...?
Crumb, the bear.
(laughs)
My God.
Don't touch it--
it's a bomb.
Did I say that?
Everybody get off the ice!
Get off the ice.
Don't panic!
Get off the ice.
Everybody off the ice!
Hey, little girl.
Come on, let me see
your bear, huh? Huh?
That's it.
Get off the ice!
♪ We'll be singing songs
we love to sing ♪
♪ Without a single stop ♪
♪ At the fireplace while we
watch the chestnuts pop ♪
Pop! Pop! Pop!
♪ There's a happy feeling ♪
♪ Nothing in the world
can buy ♪
♪ When they pass around
the coffee ♪
♪ And the pumpkin pie ♪
♪ It'll nearly be like
a picture print ♪
♪ By Currier and Ives ♪
♪ All these wonderful things ♪
♪ Are the things we remember
all through our lives ♪
♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
♪ Ring-ting-tingling too ♪
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
♪ For a sleigh ride together
with you ♪
What's going on here?
(siren wailing)
It's gone.
It's...
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
♪ For a sleigh ride
together... ♪
(whistling)
(jingle bells jingling
with steps)
Do you mind?
The whistling?
Sorry.
I'm concentrating.
On what?
The list.
Checking it the
second time.
I don't see any list.
Oh, it's in my head.
It would take forever
to put something like that
down on paper.
It's easier this way.
It's kind of like that, uh,
movie Rain Man.
Well, go ahead, you know,
quiz me.
I don't have time
for your stupid games.
Of course you do.
You're in prison.
Go ahead, any name.
Try it.
Martin Garolowitz.
Naughty.
What?
Four years in a row.
Next?
Igor Strasofsky.
Which one?
The one in Budapest.
Father or son?
Son.
Nice.
See? It's really not that hard.
See, I scramble
the letters,
then alphabetize them
into a code.
And, uh, how do you get there?
Where?
Two billion homes in one night.
Well, uh, yeah, well...
i-it's really not that hard
if you work the time zones.
See, it's tomorrow in Asia
when it's yesterday here.
Of course, you have
to wear a of watches
to keep it all straight, but you
kind of get used to that.
And also, of course,
those reindeer go
like bats out of hell.
(whooshing)
Help!
"Dear Detective Crumb,
watch out for thin ice."
What is this,
some kind of a joke?
I think
it's a pun.
You think it's a pun?
You know, ice?
Thin ice.
Get out of here.
You know what I think?
I this is getting personal.
Look, something's
wrong.
It was supposed
to explode.
This?
The bomb-- it was
supposed to explode.
But there's no bomb.
Very astute observation.
Look, this guy...
he's following us.
Whoever he is, he knows
where we're going.
He's... what
are you doing?
Looks like snow,
Huh?
You got any feeling about
that one way or the other?
About what?
'Cause if you did,
you could be a weatherman
instead of, you know,
a deputy sheriff.
You still don't
believe me, do you?
Look...
I'm letting you go.
Not that I still
have my suspicions,
It's just that--
you're making me crazy
with this should be,
supposed to be.
I mean, what are you, one of
those, uh, Magic 8-Balls?
Look, Crumb, all I'm trying
do is help you out here.
Do me a favor. Don't.
All right, I won't.
Merry Christmas!
(softly):
You old goat.
Oh, no.
Good-bye, stretch pants.
Good-bye, fireplace.
Good-bye, weekend in heaven.
You're pretty broken up
about this, aren't you?
Wouldn't you be?
My car's in hock,
my life is a mess,
and I'm stuck here in jail
with a raving lunatic
on Christmas Eve!
Things just never work out
for you, do they?
Who asked you?
The problem is,
you don't believe.
Could you just shut up?
It's too bad.
You started out as a
good kid as I remember.
Of course, it's
some time ago,
and there was that
Christmas when
you were nine.
Wrong.
I was eight.
Shows you how much you know.
No, you... you were nine.
I'm sure of it.
Eight.
Nine.
Eight.
Are you absolutely positive?
I was eight when
I asked for the sled.
Fine. Then were you eight.
Oh, yeah, that sled.
What kind was it again?
L.L. Bean.
No. Flexible Flyer.
Uh, the one with the...
Fins on the back.
No. You're making that up.
You're, uh, you're pretty good
at this, aren't you?
Oh, I try to be.
But you didn't get it, did you?
That sled?
Went to someone else.
Inky Bowers.
Inky Bowers.
I never liked that kid.
You always wondered
why it went to him.
Because you didn't believe.
See, there's a price you
have to pay for that--
not believing.
It's a big one.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's just stop right there.
You're not Santa Claus.
I'm not a dope,
and I want out now.
Hello!
Sergeant--
whatever your name is,
I demand to be moved.
I have my rights, you know.
I want a new cell.
Hello?
(bells jingling)
(groans)
Oh, my God.
CHUCK:
Is he sick?
Hard to tell.
My guess is
he's faking.
But... I'll call a medic.
Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
You're not gonna leave me
here alone with him, are you?
I mean, what if he spasms
or something?
I'm really not very good
with death.
(scoffs)
Oh, no, I'm serious.
Hey, buddy!
Oh, man, this has been
some day.
(whistles)
(sputtering)
Need to get to the sleigh.
What?
Waiting there, Lincoln Park.
Got to get there.
Otherwise, no good.
Oh, man, come on.
What-- what is this?
(choking, gurgling)
Okay, nice try.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to make me
help you
get out of here, is that it?
Gonna start coughing up blood!
Oh, no, don't do that.
K-Kids depending on me!
Need your help!
No! No need my help! No!
(gurgling)
Okay, okay, fine! Fine!
How?
Where is he?
Cell number 38.
What's wrong with him?
You're the paramedic.
You tell me.
My keys!
(groans)
CRUMB:
Anything else you want
to tell me about?
Like giant spiders
or flying saucers
No, just a bomb
in a teddy bear.
Thanks. I feel
much better.
What do we got?
We cleared the building,
plus we got fire trucks
out in front.
Anything else?
Yeah, my, uh, Christmas
tree lights at home
ain't working.
Get me some.
The big, fat kind, not
the little, skinny ones.
(chuckles)
Yes, sir.
So this is where
the little birdie told you
the bomber's gonna be?
Yep.
Excuse me, are you the detective
in charge here?
That's me.
Do you realize
what you're doing?
You've shut down this store
on the busiest day of the year!
So?
So, the owner is
very close
to the mayor.
This time you're sure?
Yeah.
No chance
you're mistaken?
No.
Oh, be sure to
get red ones.
And nothing
that twinkles.
All right, come on, boys.
Tear 'em open.
I don't believe this.
What have we done?
We just broke
out of jail.
I just broke
out of jail.
Me, Chuck Fishman.
I've busted stir.
I'm a felon!
Relax.
You just did
something nice.
I did?
You got a buck?
No, I don't
have a buck.
They took my wallet.
Oh, my God.
They know who I am!
What about your pocket?
Maybe you got a quarter.
(bell jingling)
Ah, good.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, great!
You know what?
This is insane!
I mean, look at you.
You don't even
look like the guy.
Where's you beard?
You're a fake just like
all the rest of them.
(groans)
What? What's wrong?
What's wrong?
You're not believing
again!
Oh, man.
Go on. Take it back.
Okay, okay, fine.
Fine! I take it
back, okay?
I take it back.
You gotta watch out
for that kind of stuff.
Okay, all right.
Let's go.
No bomb.
You're sure?
We're sure.
No bomb. No bomb.
It's too bad.
Want us to start
on the elephants?
Skip it.
Yes, sir.
Any thoughts?
I don't understand.
It doesn't make
any sense.
It was supposed
to be here.
Maybe I can
help you out.
You see, I'm a policeman,
and you're a lunatic.
That's why we got
stuffing coming out
of our ear.
Furthermore...
That's pretty funny.
Let me tell...
There's a phone
call for you.
One guess: the mayor?
Correct.
You got three minutes
to come up with
an explanation.
After that, I'm putting you
in a straitjacket.
It changed.
I don't get it.
("O Tannenbaum" playing softly)
(music continues)
I got it.
I'm dreaming.
This is all because
of some hot sauce I ate.
I doubt it.
Any moment now
I'm gonna wake up
and find myself laying
in a gutter, drunk.
Which would be
just fine with me.
What are you doing?
We're gonna need wheels.
You're stealing a car?!
Shh!
Oh, no, no, no.
Look, I already got a record
because of you.
And I'm not gonna add
grand theft larceny
to the list.
Fine! Go!
You betcha I'm going.
But remember this:
If I am who I say I am,
you're walking away
from the one chance
in your life
to do something good
for the world,
if that means anything to you.
Think it does?
Okay.
Get in!
I thought you said we were
going to the park?
We missed it.
We need to meet it
at the next stop.
Where is that?
Cleveland.
(engine starts)
(dial tone droning)
All right, let's
wrap it up.
86 the dead bears, and
let's get out of here.
GARY:
Hey, Crumb.
Crumb, I found
another note.
Good for you.
What do you mean,
good for me?
Don't you want
to read it?
No, thanks.
Well, I think
you should.
I think I know
what's going on now.
Oh, that's nice.
I'm thrilled.
You're thrilled?
Tell it to the new guy.
Tell it...?
Wait. What new guy?
The poor slob
that they're gonna bring
in to handle this thing.
Me? I'm gonna go home
and hang Christmas lights.
You're gonna...
Wait a second.
You're off the case?
The mayor wants results?
I don't got 'em.
See ya.
Whatever happened
to Cabbage Patch dolls?
Ah, the heck with it.
I need a drink.
Come on. You're buying.
MAN:
Yeah, you do
and you'll clean it up.
GARY:
Excuse me. Excuse me.
WOMAN:
Oh, come on.
You can't be serious.
You okay?
Yeah, great.
Listen, Crumb...
It's Christmas Eve.
I'm off the case,
maybe out of a job,
That's 30 years on the force
down the toilet.
How could things be bad?
Here, merry Christmas.
Maybe you should get
something to eat with that.
Like what, Christmas crow?
Listen, you can't
let this get to you.
Giving up is not the solution.
Who says?
You know, this beer is flat.
Somewhere out there there's a
guy planning on killing people.
With what, love notes?
Sooner or later,
he's gonna succeed.
You know what gets me?
It's not this crummy bar
or the fact
that my bunions ache
or that I staked my pension
on the word of some nut
that reads tea leaves,
what gets me is I'm never
gonna get a chance
to see this guy's face.
I just wish
I knew how he did it!
He was watching you.
What?
Listen to what I'm saying.
This guy knew where we were.
We thought we were following
him, but we weren't.
He was following you.
Cat and mouse.
And you were the mouse, Crumb.
All right, that's it.
He ticked me off.
I'm gonna track this guy down
if it takes me
the rest of my life.
MAN:
Excuse me.
Detective Crumb?
Yeah?
I have a message
for you.
(patrons gasp)
Nobody move!
Nobody move! Nobody move!
Nobody!
(scattered screams)
Nobody move!
♪ Old man on the rooftop,
reindeers, too ♪
♪ To bring my merry Christmas
and happy New Year, too. ♪
♪ I'm your Santa,
and I am coming to town ♪
♪ I am your Santa,
and I am coming to town ♪
I'm not used to steering
with a wheel.
Gee, I never
would have guessed.
Easy, big boy.
Do you even know
where you're going?
To the highway.
The highway's down here?
It's a shortcut.
Go left at Angela
Monihan's house.
The one with the
stucco chimney.
She's naughty.
Nice...
I wish Gary were here.
Gary who?
He's a friend of mine.
Gary Hobson.
You know him?
Natch.
Okay, then tell me.
What's different about him?
Different?
Yeah, that's right.
Different.
If you're Santa Claus,
you should know.
Let's see.
He's got a mole
in his armpit.
What else?
Batted .461
in Little League.
He gets tomorrow's paper...
today.
Oh, that!
I thought you meant
something unusual.
(woman screams)
One more scream,
and I'll set this thing off.
Tell them I mean it.
Everybody be calm;
he's not gonna hurt you.
(murmurs from patrons)
He came in for me.
That's right, isn't it?
You betcha.
You want to tell me why?
I thought we should meet.
Fine, fine.
Nice to meet you.
Why don't we go outside
and talk?
You were following me.
Of course I was following you.
That's my job.
And you,
you were helping him.
I saw you.
Some help.
(man chuckles)
But I fooled you, didn't I?
I did.
Yeah.
I did.
But we won the game.
We won the game.
That's right.
That's right.
You won the game.
So why don't we end it
right now?
Oh, because we haven't played
the last round yet.
The part where we all go boom.
(groans and gasps)
In, uh, 12 minutes.
CHUCK:
Okay, I think I've got
this thing figured out.
What's that?
What we're gonna
tell the cops.
Sorry.
We plead insanity, okay?
Well, you or me?
We tell 'em you ate
too many French fries,
you lost your mind.
You abducted me
at gunpoint, right?
I don't approve of guns.
Except for the toy ones.
All right, fine-- a toy gun.
We call 'em up,
and we turn ourselves in.
And then we sell
the whole story to Oprah.
Holy cow,
we might even end up ahead!
I wouldn't count on it.
(siren blares)
(siren blares)
(over speaker):
This is the police.
Oh! Okay.
Shut off your engine and put
your hands on the dashboard now.
Okay. Okay.
Just act natural.
I am acting natural.
I mean, don't act
like Santa Claus.
That's gonna be hard.
Remember-- French fries,
Oprah, book deals, okay?
Right?
(tires squeal)
CHUCK:
What are you doing?!
I know 'em both!
Neither of them is nice!
Oh, no, I think
it's going quite well,
all according to plan.
I just... hope
we didn't forget anything.
Hm.
You watch them.
I'll write the note.
Let's see, um...
This guy is nuttier
than a Snickers bar.
We got to get him
away from that bomb.
How do you suggest we do that,
ask him "pretty please"?
Yeah, we could do that.
Uh, rats...
moles...
bats...
and weasels. Yeah.
The hour has come.
All right, that's it,
we got to rush him.
Oh, yeah, and soon.
Count of three. You ready?
One, two...
I told you not to move!
I told you!
Okay.
I'll blow it now.
Come on, Kriss Kringle!
I'm right
behind you!
(distant siren wailing)
This way.
Why did we have
to ditch the car?
Because you stole it!
I was gonna give it back.
Yeah, right, and
reindeer have wings.
Only when
they're pups.
(quietly):
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Hey, you with the animal.
I think it's time
we had a talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
Yeah, well,
I got something to talk about.
I'm old, I'm tired,
my feet are flat.
You want to blow me
to pieces, hey, go ahead.
I probably
deserve it anyway.
But before you do,
think about this:
It's Christmas Eve.
All over the world, people
are getting ready for...
what, I do not know.
Neither do they.
But it's important,
something worth
waiting for.
It's the same
with these people here.
They all got someplace to go,
somebody who needs 'em.
Me?
I don't.
So why don't you
let them go?
You don't want them.
You want me.
So come on,
what do you say?
Make Santa happy.
Santa?
CRUMB:
Who the hell is this?!
BOMBER:
I'll blow it now!
Chuck, get the hell
out of here now!
I-I can't. I...
Oh. Oh, perfect.
I'll blow it now!
Drop your guns!
The guy's
got a bomb!
You heard him-- now!
Did he say a bomb?
On Christmas Eve?
That's naughty
if I ever heard it.
Look, please, do me favor,
huh, just this once? Please?
Look, mister... look,
BOMBER:
Stand back.
I know you don't want
to do this.
I know you-you
really don't want
to do this.
BOMBER:
One more step,
and I'll set it off.
Ralphy?
(quietly):
What?
Ralphy Melhall,
right?
Uh, that's not my name.
Well, sure it is!
You're little Ralphy!
No.
I am not--
I'm... Howard Phillips.
Oh, that's right--
Howard Phillips!
I always got
you two confused.
So, what are
you doing here?
Well, what does it
look like I'm doing?
Howie
Phillips.
Who is this?
I don't know.
You know, you used to be
one of my favorite
kids-- nice,
year after year.
Very consistent.
Remember?
I got you your
first chemistry set.
(stammers softly)
Uh, I don't rememb...
SANTA:
Oh, you remember--
it had all those little
test tubes.
Plus, I-I got you
a teddy bear, too.
Then...
w-well, something happened.
Wh-What was it?
You're not really Santa.
Oh, that's what happened.
You stopped believing.
Yeah, I remember
the day.
I was standing
in my workshop,
helping the elves
make Parcheesi sets,
when all of a sudden
I got this hurt, you know,
ache right in my heart,
like some little piece
of joy had suddenly
withered away.
Mrs. Claus said,
"It's indigestion, honey,"
but I knew better.
Oh, God.
"Someone
has stopped
believing," I said.
It was my mother.
She was always...
It really hurt me, you know?
I mean, you stopped writing me.
Y-You stopped
even thinking of me.
Didn't you?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Oh... c-can I see it?
Mm-mm.
Well, I'll give it back.
No.
I promise.
(whimpers)
(whimpers)
(people gasp)
Thanks.
BOMBER:
No! My bear!
My bear.
All right, cuff this guy.
BOMBER:
Oh! No!
Oh, God! Oh...
(loud explosion,
people yelling, gasping)
(people groaning, crying)
That didn't
sound too good.
Uh-huh.
(car alarms blaring in distance)
Oh, my God.
(faint jingling growing louder)
(jingling)
(jingles)
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, that's right,
we got the guy.
"The city can awake
from its nightmare
of terror"--
that's very good,
Your Honor.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Well, congratulations;
you're a hero.
I owe you one.
You, too.
Plus that bozo who went bang.
Well, take your stuff
and get out of here.
Sir, he broke out of jail.
You want to explain that
to a board of inquiry?
Yeah.
Funny thing is, I still
can't believe he's dead.
I mean, I know he came
down in pieces, but...
a guy like that, he
really believed he was
what he thought he was,
you know, and you sort
of have to admire that.
He got you.
Cynical me.
I thought he was
just a cheap con.
My keys.
He stole my keys.
Funny, your car was here
an hour ago.
Somebody must've took it.
Yep! (sighs)
GARY:
I think this
is for you.
(orchestral version
of "White Christmas" playing)
CHUCK:
It's magic.
At least it is if you believe.
Which, I guess,
can happen to the best of us.
♪ ♪
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, same to you.
It all depends
on being wise enough
to know your heart...
...and young enough
to feel that old surprise.
♪ I'm ♪
♪ Dreaming of ♪
♪ A white ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ With every ♪
(cat yowls)
♪ Christmas card ♪
♪ I write... ♪
♪ May your days ♪
♪ Be merry ♪
♪ And bright... ♪
(music slows)
♪ And may ♪
♪ All your ♪
♪ Christmases ♪
♪ Be ♪
♪ White. ♪
Merry Christmas.
SANTA (in distance):
Merry Christmas!
"Deck the Halls")
♪ La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la ♪
Yay!
Whoa, Daddy!
♪ La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. ♪
(siren wailing)
(indistinct police radio
communication)
OFFICER:
Okay, follow me!
What's the story?
The bomber's
on the roof!
Get him surrounded.
There!
Uh, nothing.
Okay, what do we got?
I got him!
I finally nailed him.
(sighs)
That ain't
the bomber!
(siren wailing nearby)
Get him out of here.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
REPORTER:
Good morning. It's Christmas Eve
day here in Chicago.
Time to hang that mistletoe
and hit those stores.
The temperature stands
at a chilly 33 degrees,
but forecasters are calling
for things to warm up
for Santa's arrival tonight.
In the news today, police
continue their search
for the elusive
Teddy Bear Bomber,
who has terrorized Chicago
for almost three weeks.
(knock at door)
Yeah.
CHUCK:
Hey, buddy!
Merry Christmas!
What's that?
It's a tree.
You call that a tree?
I bought it for you.
You bought that?
Well, it fell off a truck.
I'm touched.
I knew you would be.
Wow, I see you've gone all out
with the holiday trimmings.
Looks very festive in here.
Very decorative.
Thank you.
I haven't exactly had
much time to do things.
I see. You're in denial.
It's understandable.
How's that?
Well, it's your first Christmas
alone, divorced,
living on top
of a hotel,
no social life.
(inhales sharply)
Must be rough.
Thank you very much for
reminding me of that, Chuck.
Fortunately, I have a cure
for your nagging
mid-winter blues.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Ta-da.
Lift tickets
to Wind Dance, buddy.
You got ski tickets?
You and me out
on the slopes
Christmas Eve,
couple of babes
in stretch pants.
I got my car back;
it's waiting down stairs.
Let's go! Pack a bag!
You got ski tickets?
Yep.
Gare?
Gare?
I can't go.
Why not?
What do you mean, "Why not?"
I can't go...
(cat meows)
(paper thuds against door)
(cat meows)
Come on, Gare,
one night out of town.
What is the big deal?
What's the big deal?
You know what
the big is.
I'm stuck with this...
(waitress clears throat)
People need help
on the holidays.
This holiday, I'm stuck
serving up the help.
Not if you're not there
to do it, right?
I had an uncle who killed
himself on Christmas.
Really?
Well, was he depressed?
No. Just stuck his fork
in the toaster.
(sighs)
All I'm saying is, Gare, you
have the right enjoy yourself.
Everyone does.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing tonight?
Waiting for Santa.
Santa?
Yeah. Why?
So you actually believe
in Santa Claus?
In theory at least.
In theory, you believe
that there's some
fat guy in a red suit
who flies around on a sled
and hangs out
with a bunch of elves.
Yeah, Mr. Grinch.
And what do you believe in?
Presents.
I'll come back later.
Thanks, Gidget.
Listen, Gary,
are you gonna go
with me or not?
Come on. The world can take
of itself for a day.
I don't think I'm gonna make it.
GARY:
An explosive device hidden
inside a child's toy teddy bear
detonated today at Bicentennial
Skating Rink
in downtown Chicago.
(people shouting)
Medic over here!
Move it!
The explosion, which occurred
at 10:45 in the morning,
killed 20 holiday skaters
and injured 50 more.
(garbled radio transmission)
Police revealed that the bomber
left a note in the wreckage,
but officials refused
to divulge the contents.
Now he's gonna become
a murderer.
I'm gonna need your help, Chuck.
Fine. Fine.
You save the world.
Me? I'm going skiing.
And do what?
Chase around a bunch of bunnies?
You got it.
Uh-huh.
Look, this is too big.
I'm going to need
some help.
I'm telling you...
Qualified help.
Yeah? And where are you going
to get that?
I almost hate to say it.
Say it anyway.
Well, sir...
No, no, I don't
want to hear it!
All I want to know
is who is this guy?!
Three weeks on this case,
he's running us ragged.
The mayor wants action.
Teddy bears, my butt.
Go on! Get out of here.
Sir?
What is it?
The mayor's on the phone...
again.
Tell him I'm dead!
Yes, sir.
And, um, there's someone
to see you.
What kind of someone?
He says he knows things
about the bomber.
Oh, of course he does.
Everybody knows things about
this bomber except me.
Tell him to beat it.
He also says
he knows you.
Me? What's his name?
Hobson.
Remember me?
Oh, no.
Merry Christmas!
Nice beard.
Polyester?
Merry Christmas!
Hey, Santa, get yourself
a real job, huh?
Up yours,
Scrooge.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you
very much.
(humming)
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Excuse me.
Is this your vehicle?
Yes, it is.
Nice.
Thank you. I'm going skiing.
I don't think so.
Excuse me?
You're coming downtown with us.
Scofflaw violation.
We're impounding your car.
(horn beeping)
(tires screech lightly)
A bomb? In the skating rink?
Yes, sir.
This morning?
That's right. 10:45.
But it hasn't happened yet?
No.
But it's going to, you're sure?
Yes.
And you know this because...?
Well, I'd rather not say.
Rather not say,
because if you did,
You wouldn't believe me.
I wouldn't believe you.
Who put you up to this anyway?
What?
Is this some guy with a sick
sense of humor,
some, some comedy guy?
No. Look, I'm telling you
the truth here.
Oh, sure you are.
Like all the other 87 hot tips
we got today, huh?
No. Look, this one is real.
People are gonna die.
I'm just trying
to help you here.
Of course you are.
This is flat.
Look, do me a favor.
Go help somebody else, huh?
Get him out of here.
Look, this is gonna happen.
Today, Crumb.
He's gonna
leave a note.
Did you say a note?
Okay, talk.
About what?
About the note.
Where is it?
What's it like?
Wh-What's it say?
Look, I don't know.
All I know is that
it's found in the wreckage.
Oh, like these were?
No one, not even
the press knew about these.
We're keeping it a secret.
Now, who told you?
I can't tell you.
Eight of these in three weeks,
all addressed to me.
"Ha-ha-ha.
Fooled you."
This guy's giving me headache.
Look, I'm sorry about that,
but what do you want me to do?
You're sorry? What about me?
This is Christmas Eve.
I should be home with my kids.
Instead, I'm sitting around
with some guy who thinks
he's The Amazing Kreskin.
And what's worse,
I'm even starting
to believe him.
Now, is that nuts?
Don't answer that.
The Bicentennial Skating Rink
in less than an hour?
Yeah.
No. We're staying here.
Sir, mayor's calling again.
I want bomb squad and S.W.A.T.
and lots of communication.
And warn the locals that we're
coming it in, but keep it quiet.
I don't want to cause a panic.
Excuse me.
Shouldn't you evacuate
the rink over there?
On what grounds?
A little birdie told me?
A little birdie?
Look, people get cranky
when you shut down
their business on a hunch.
Show me a bomb,
and then we'll talk.
Me?
I don't know where the bomb is.
I don't know exactly where
it is, but...
Fine. Come on along for the
ride. We'll have a lot of fun.
Oh, no, no, no.
Listen, Charlie...
Gary. It's Gary.
Whomever.
You're not walking
until I find this S.O.B.
You want to guess why?
Because it might be me.
Bingo. It might be you.
Get in the car.
(indistinct police radio
communication)
Shouldn't you be solving murders
or prosecuting drug dealers
or something?
This way.
This is ridiculous.
Who's this?
Fishman,
Charles.
Chuck, as my good friend the
congressman calls me.
Which congressman?
All of them.
Look, Sergeant,
there's obviously been
some sort of mistake here.
These Nazis took my car.
Now, I am willing
to overlook this...
What's he in for?
Parking tickets.
(chuckles)
See what I mean?
Parking tickets.
How many?
106.
(whistles)
Okay, so I park a lot.
It's a big city.
It happens.
You know, mail, schedules--
I've been so busy lately,
as I'm sure you have.
To tell you the truth...
...I thought I already paid.
So just what tell
me what the fine is,
I'll pay it,
and I'll be gone.
Too late for that.
Okay, then bail.
How much is bail?
A couple of hundred?
A grand?
I'll write you a
check right now, okay?
And then next week, after
I'm off the slopes...
That's up to the judge.
Judge?
Where?
Court convenes early
Thursday morning.
That's the day
after tomorrow.
What is this,
some sort of joke?
A little Yuletide humor?
Think of it as your
personal manger.
You can't do this.
This isn't Bolivia!
I'll call Johnny Cochran!
Oh, great.
This is just perfect.
MAN:
Think you got
problems?
I'm late for work.
Yeah?
And who are you?
Santa Claus.
(children singing "We Wish You
A Merry Christmas")
Okay, this is it.
How much time we got?
15 minutes. Maybe less.
Are you sure you don't want
to change your story?
No, this is going
to happen. Trust me.
Yeah, I was afraid of that.
Look, Crumb, can't we get
these people out of here
just to be on
the safe side?
You like skating?
Huh?
They like skating.
They came here to skate.
Let's take a look
around first, okay?
Yeah, well, you
better look fast.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Aunt Marge?
It's me, Chuck Fishman.
How are you?
Your nephew, remember?
Yeah.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Yeah, that's right,
the scrawny one.
Listen, Aunt Marge,
um, I'm in a bit
of a spot here,
and...
No, no, no.
I'm not coming to visit.
Uh-huh.
I'm in jail,
and I've called
everyone
I know and...
(dial tone)
Hello?
Marge?
Cut off?
Hung up.
She's like that.
Who?
Marge.
You know my aunt?
Oh, I know everyone.
Been to the house.
Oh, that's right,
because you're, uh...
Uh-huh.
Hey, can someone get in here?!
I'd like to make a complaint!
Sergeant?
His name's Eddie.
Used to call him "Stinker"
when he was eight--
don't bring it up.
He's sensitive.
Hello?!
Problem here?
Yeah, I got a problem.
When do I get out of rattrap?
Once we run through
your files.
The computer's
down right now.
Well, get it back up.
Have a little patience.
It's Christmas Eve.
Give me that
cellular phone.
This is a jail.
Hey, hey, hey.
(whispering):
What's with this guy?
Breaking and entering.
We picked him up
on a rooftop
trying to sneak down
a chimney.
Meant to clean
the whole place out.
It's not how it looked.
Look, I don't want
to seem pushy,
but I need to be going.
See, my sleigh's due pick me up
in a half hour in the park.
And then where, the North Pole?
Oh, Thailand.
You know how it is.
Once you behind on a gig
like this...
Fruitcake.
Well, a lot of kids are going
to be disappointed.
You really believe this,
don't you?
Well, don't you?
I think you're
out of your mind.
Then you're going to get
a lump of coal.
♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle,
jingle, jingle, jingle... ♪
♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
♪ Ring-ting-tingling... ♪
Anything yet?
No sign of it anywhere.
Did you check
the lockers?
Doing it now.
Well?
We just got to keep looking.
It's got to be somewhere.
Of course it is.
Unless, of course,
it ain't.
What does that mean?
Meaning maybe it's here,
maybe it's not.
Maybe it's on the moon.
Maybe you're the bomber.
Or maybe I'm just
out of my mind.
Well, that's a
good possibility.
Let me tell...
Nothing.
All right, we're
out of here.
You have some
explaining to do.
What are you talking about?
You can't leave.
Try me.
Look, people are going
to die, Crumb.
Yeah, me from frostbite
if I don't out of...
What are you...?
Crumb, the bear.
(laughs)
My God.
Don't touch it--
it's a bomb.
Did I say that?
Everybody get off the ice!
Get off the ice.
Don't panic!
Get off the ice.
Everybody off the ice!
Hey, little girl.
Come on, let me see
your bear, huh? Huh?
That's it.
Get off the ice!
♪ We'll be singing songs
we love to sing ♪
♪ Without a single stop ♪
♪ At the fireplace while we
watch the chestnuts pop ♪
Pop! Pop! Pop!
♪ There's a happy feeling ♪
♪ Nothing in the world
can buy ♪
♪ When they pass around
the coffee ♪
♪ And the pumpkin pie ♪
♪ It'll nearly be like
a picture print ♪
♪ By Currier and Ives ♪
♪ All these wonderful things ♪
♪ Are the things we remember
all through our lives ♪
♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
♪ Ring-ting-tingling too ♪
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
♪ For a sleigh ride together
with you ♪
What's going on here?
(siren wailing)
It's gone.
It's...
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
♪ For a sleigh ride
together... ♪
(whistling)
(jingle bells jingling
with steps)
Do you mind?
The whistling?
Sorry.
I'm concentrating.
On what?
The list.
Checking it the
second time.
I don't see any list.
Oh, it's in my head.
It would take forever
to put something like that
down on paper.
It's easier this way.
It's kind of like that, uh,
movie Rain Man.
Well, go ahead, you know,
quiz me.
I don't have time
for your stupid games.
Of course you do.
You're in prison.
Go ahead, any name.
Try it.
Martin Garolowitz.
Naughty.
What?
Four years in a row.
Next?
Igor Strasofsky.
Which one?
The one in Budapest.
Father or son?
Son.
Nice.
See? It's really not that hard.
See, I scramble
the letters,
then alphabetize them
into a code.
And, uh, how do you get there?
Where?
Two billion homes in one night.
Well, uh, yeah, well...
i-it's really not that hard
if you work the time zones.
See, it's tomorrow in Asia
when it's yesterday here.
Of course, you have
to wear a of watches
to keep it all straight, but you
kind of get used to that.
And also, of course,
those reindeer go
like bats out of hell.
(whooshing)
Help!
"Dear Detective Crumb,
watch out for thin ice."
What is this,
some kind of a joke?
I think
it's a pun.
You think it's a pun?
You know, ice?
Thin ice.
Get out of here.
You know what I think?
I this is getting personal.
Look, something's
wrong.
It was supposed
to explode.
This?
The bomb-- it was
supposed to explode.
But there's no bomb.
Very astute observation.
Look, this guy...
he's following us.
Whoever he is, he knows
where we're going.
He's... what
are you doing?
Looks like snow,
Huh?
You got any feeling about
that one way or the other?
About what?
'Cause if you did,
you could be a weatherman
instead of, you know,
a deputy sheriff.
You still don't
believe me, do you?
Look...
I'm letting you go.
Not that I still
have my suspicions,
It's just that--
you're making me crazy
with this should be,
supposed to be.
I mean, what are you, one of
those, uh, Magic 8-Balls?
Look, Crumb, all I'm trying
do is help you out here.
Do me a favor. Don't.
All right, I won't.
Merry Christmas!
(softly):
You old goat.
Oh, no.
Good-bye, stretch pants.
Good-bye, fireplace.
Good-bye, weekend in heaven.
You're pretty broken up
about this, aren't you?
Wouldn't you be?
My car's in hock,
my life is a mess,
and I'm stuck here in jail
with a raving lunatic
on Christmas Eve!
Things just never work out
for you, do they?
Who asked you?
The problem is,
you don't believe.
Could you just shut up?
It's too bad.
You started out as a
good kid as I remember.
Of course, it's
some time ago,
and there was that
Christmas when
you were nine.
Wrong.
I was eight.
Shows you how much you know.
No, you... you were nine.
I'm sure of it.
Eight.
Nine.
Eight.
Are you absolutely positive?
I was eight when
I asked for the sled.
Fine. Then were you eight.
Oh, yeah, that sled.
What kind was it again?
L.L. Bean.
No. Flexible Flyer.
Uh, the one with the...
Fins on the back.
No. You're making that up.
You're, uh, you're pretty good
at this, aren't you?
Oh, I try to be.
But you didn't get it, did you?
That sled?
Went to someone else.
Inky Bowers.
Inky Bowers.
I never liked that kid.
You always wondered
why it went to him.
Because you didn't believe.
See, there's a price you
have to pay for that--
not believing.
It's a big one.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's just stop right there.
You're not Santa Claus.
I'm not a dope,
and I want out now.
Hello!
Sergeant--
whatever your name is,
I demand to be moved.
I have my rights, you know.
I want a new cell.
Hello?
(bells jingling)
(groans)
Oh, my God.
CHUCK:
Is he sick?
Hard to tell.
My guess is
he's faking.
But... I'll call a medic.
Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
You're not gonna leave me
here alone with him, are you?
I mean, what if he spasms
or something?
I'm really not very good
with death.
(scoffs)
Oh, no, I'm serious.
Hey, buddy!
Oh, man, this has been
some day.
(whistles)
(sputtering)
Need to get to the sleigh.
What?
Waiting there, Lincoln Park.
Got to get there.
Otherwise, no good.
Oh, man, come on.
What-- what is this?
(choking, gurgling)
Okay, nice try.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to make me
help you
get out of here, is that it?
Gonna start coughing up blood!
Oh, no, don't do that.
K-Kids depending on me!
Need your help!
No! No need my help! No!
(gurgling)
Okay, okay, fine! Fine!
How?
Where is he?
Cell number 38.
What's wrong with him?
You're the paramedic.
You tell me.
My keys!
(groans)
CRUMB:
Anything else you want
to tell me about?
Like giant spiders
or flying saucers
No, just a bomb
in a teddy bear.
Thanks. I feel
much better.
What do we got?
We cleared the building,
plus we got fire trucks
out in front.
Anything else?
Yeah, my, uh, Christmas
tree lights at home
ain't working.
Get me some.
The big, fat kind, not
the little, skinny ones.
(chuckles)
Yes, sir.
So this is where
the little birdie told you
the bomber's gonna be?
Yep.
Excuse me, are you the detective
in charge here?
That's me.
Do you realize
what you're doing?
You've shut down this store
on the busiest day of the year!
So?
So, the owner is
very close
to the mayor.
This time you're sure?
Yeah.
No chance
you're mistaken?
No.
Oh, be sure to
get red ones.
And nothing
that twinkles.
All right, come on, boys.
Tear 'em open.
I don't believe this.
What have we done?
We just broke
out of jail.
I just broke
out of jail.
Me, Chuck Fishman.
I've busted stir.
I'm a felon!
Relax.
You just did
something nice.
I did?
You got a buck?
No, I don't
have a buck.
They took my wallet.
Oh, my God.
They know who I am!
What about your pocket?
Maybe you got a quarter.
(bell jingling)
Ah, good.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, great!
You know what?
This is insane!
I mean, look at you.
You don't even
look like the guy.
Where's you beard?
You're a fake just like
all the rest of them.
(groans)
What? What's wrong?
What's wrong?
You're not believing
again!
Oh, man.
Go on. Take it back.
Okay, okay, fine.
Fine! I take it
back, okay?
I take it back.
You gotta watch out
for that kind of stuff.
Okay, all right.
Let's go.
No bomb.
You're sure?
We're sure.
No bomb. No bomb.
It's too bad.
Want us to start
on the elephants?
Skip it.
Yes, sir.
Any thoughts?
I don't understand.
It doesn't make
any sense.
It was supposed
to be here.
Maybe I can
help you out.
You see, I'm a policeman,
and you're a lunatic.
That's why we got
stuffing coming out
of our ear.
Furthermore...
That's pretty funny.
Let me tell...
There's a phone
call for you.
One guess: the mayor?
Correct.
You got three minutes
to come up with
an explanation.
After that, I'm putting you
in a straitjacket.
It changed.
I don't get it.
("O Tannenbaum" playing softly)
(music continues)
I got it.
I'm dreaming.
This is all because
of some hot sauce I ate.
I doubt it.
Any moment now
I'm gonna wake up
and find myself laying
in a gutter, drunk.
Which would be
just fine with me.
What are you doing?
We're gonna need wheels.
You're stealing a car?!
Shh!
Oh, no, no, no.
Look, I already got a record
because of you.
And I'm not gonna add
grand theft larceny
to the list.
Fine! Go!
You betcha I'm going.
But remember this:
If I am who I say I am,
you're walking away
from the one chance
in your life
to do something good
for the world,
if that means anything to you.
Think it does?
Okay.
Get in!
I thought you said we were
going to the park?
We missed it.
We need to meet it
at the next stop.
Where is that?
Cleveland.
(engine starts)
(dial tone droning)
All right, let's
wrap it up.
86 the dead bears, and
let's get out of here.
GARY:
Hey, Crumb.
Crumb, I found
another note.
Good for you.
What do you mean,
good for me?
Don't you want
to read it?
No, thanks.
Well, I think
you should.
I think I know
what's going on now.
Oh, that's nice.
I'm thrilled.
You're thrilled?
Tell it to the new guy.
Tell it...?
Wait. What new guy?
The poor slob
that they're gonna bring
in to handle this thing.
Me? I'm gonna go home
and hang Christmas lights.
You're gonna...
Wait a second.
You're off the case?
The mayor wants results?
I don't got 'em.
See ya.
Whatever happened
to Cabbage Patch dolls?
Ah, the heck with it.
I need a drink.
Come on. You're buying.
MAN:
Yeah, you do
and you'll clean it up.
GARY:
Excuse me. Excuse me.
WOMAN:
Oh, come on.
You can't be serious.
You okay?
Yeah, great.
Listen, Crumb...
It's Christmas Eve.
I'm off the case,
maybe out of a job,
That's 30 years on the force
down the toilet.
How could things be bad?
Here, merry Christmas.
Maybe you should get
something to eat with that.
Like what, Christmas crow?
Listen, you can't
let this get to you.
Giving up is not the solution.
Who says?
You know, this beer is flat.
Somewhere out there there's a
guy planning on killing people.
With what, love notes?
Sooner or later,
he's gonna succeed.
You know what gets me?
It's not this crummy bar
or the fact
that my bunions ache
or that I staked my pension
on the word of some nut
that reads tea leaves,
what gets me is I'm never
gonna get a chance
to see this guy's face.
I just wish
I knew how he did it!
He was watching you.
What?
Listen to what I'm saying.
This guy knew where we were.
We thought we were following
him, but we weren't.
He was following you.
Cat and mouse.
And you were the mouse, Crumb.
All right, that's it.
He ticked me off.
I'm gonna track this guy down
if it takes me
the rest of my life.
MAN:
Excuse me.
Detective Crumb?
Yeah?
I have a message
for you.
(patrons gasp)
Nobody move!
Nobody move! Nobody move!
Nobody!
(scattered screams)
Nobody move!
♪ Old man on the rooftop,
reindeers, too ♪
♪ To bring my merry Christmas
and happy New Year, too. ♪
♪ I'm your Santa,
and I am coming to town ♪
♪ I am your Santa,
and I am coming to town ♪
I'm not used to steering
with a wheel.
Gee, I never
would have guessed.
Easy, big boy.
Do you even know
where you're going?
To the highway.
The highway's down here?
It's a shortcut.
Go left at Angela
Monihan's house.
The one with the
stucco chimney.
She's naughty.
Nice...
I wish Gary were here.
Gary who?
He's a friend of mine.
Gary Hobson.
You know him?
Natch.
Okay, then tell me.
What's different about him?
Different?
Yeah, that's right.
Different.
If you're Santa Claus,
you should know.
Let's see.
He's got a mole
in his armpit.
What else?
Batted .461
in Little League.
He gets tomorrow's paper...
today.
Oh, that!
I thought you meant
something unusual.
(woman screams)
One more scream,
and I'll set this thing off.
Tell them I mean it.
Everybody be calm;
he's not gonna hurt you.
(murmurs from patrons)
He came in for me.
That's right, isn't it?
You betcha.
You want to tell me why?
I thought we should meet.
Fine, fine.
Nice to meet you.
Why don't we go outside
and talk?
You were following me.
Of course I was following you.
That's my job.
And you,
you were helping him.
I saw you.
Some help.
(man chuckles)
But I fooled you, didn't I?
I did.
Yeah.
I did.
But we won the game.
We won the game.
That's right.
That's right.
You won the game.
So why don't we end it
right now?
Oh, because we haven't played
the last round yet.
The part where we all go boom.
(groans and gasps)
In, uh, 12 minutes.
CHUCK:
Okay, I think I've got
this thing figured out.
What's that?
What we're gonna
tell the cops.
Sorry.
We plead insanity, okay?
Well, you or me?
We tell 'em you ate
too many French fries,
you lost your mind.
You abducted me
at gunpoint, right?
I don't approve of guns.
Except for the toy ones.
All right, fine-- a toy gun.
We call 'em up,
and we turn ourselves in.
And then we sell
the whole story to Oprah.
Holy cow,
we might even end up ahead!
I wouldn't count on it.
(siren blares)
(siren blares)
(over speaker):
This is the police.
Oh! Okay.
Shut off your engine and put
your hands on the dashboard now.
Okay. Okay.
Just act natural.
I am acting natural.
I mean, don't act
like Santa Claus.
That's gonna be hard.
Remember-- French fries,
Oprah, book deals, okay?
Right?
(tires squeal)
CHUCK:
What are you doing?!
I know 'em both!
Neither of them is nice!
Oh, no, I think
it's going quite well,
all according to plan.
I just... hope
we didn't forget anything.
Hm.
You watch them.
I'll write the note.
Let's see, um...
This guy is nuttier
than a Snickers bar.
We got to get him
away from that bomb.
How do you suggest we do that,
ask him "pretty please"?
Yeah, we could do that.
Uh, rats...
moles...
bats...
and weasels. Yeah.
The hour has come.
All right, that's it,
we got to rush him.
Oh, yeah, and soon.
Count of three. You ready?
One, two...
I told you not to move!
I told you!
Okay.
I'll blow it now.
Come on, Kriss Kringle!
I'm right
behind you!
(distant siren wailing)
This way.
Why did we have
to ditch the car?
Because you stole it!
I was gonna give it back.
Yeah, right, and
reindeer have wings.
Only when
they're pups.
(quietly):
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Hey, you with the animal.
I think it's time
we had a talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
Yeah, well,
I got something to talk about.
I'm old, I'm tired,
my feet are flat.
You want to blow me
to pieces, hey, go ahead.
I probably
deserve it anyway.
But before you do,
think about this:
It's Christmas Eve.
All over the world, people
are getting ready for...
what, I do not know.
Neither do they.
But it's important,
something worth
waiting for.
It's the same
with these people here.
They all got someplace to go,
somebody who needs 'em.
Me?
I don't.
So why don't you
let them go?
You don't want them.
You want me.
So come on,
what do you say?
Make Santa happy.
Santa?
CRUMB:
Who the hell is this?!
BOMBER:
I'll blow it now!
Chuck, get the hell
out of here now!
I-I can't. I...
Oh. Oh, perfect.
I'll blow it now!
Drop your guns!
The guy's
got a bomb!
You heard him-- now!
Did he say a bomb?
On Christmas Eve?
That's naughty
if I ever heard it.
Look, please, do me favor,
huh, just this once? Please?
Look, mister... look,
BOMBER:
Stand back.
I know you don't want
to do this.
I know you-you
really don't want
to do this.
BOMBER:
One more step,
and I'll set it off.
Ralphy?
(quietly):
What?
Ralphy Melhall,
right?
Uh, that's not my name.
Well, sure it is!
You're little Ralphy!
No.
I am not--
I'm... Howard Phillips.
Oh, that's right--
Howard Phillips!
I always got
you two confused.
So, what are
you doing here?
Well, what does it
look like I'm doing?
Howie
Phillips.
Who is this?
I don't know.
You know, you used to be
one of my favorite
kids-- nice,
year after year.
Very consistent.
Remember?
I got you your
first chemistry set.
(stammers softly)
Uh, I don't rememb...
SANTA:
Oh, you remember--
it had all those little
test tubes.
Plus, I-I got you
a teddy bear, too.
Then...
w-well, something happened.
Wh-What was it?
You're not really Santa.
Oh, that's what happened.
You stopped believing.
Yeah, I remember
the day.
I was standing
in my workshop,
helping the elves
make Parcheesi sets,
when all of a sudden
I got this hurt, you know,
ache right in my heart,
like some little piece
of joy had suddenly
withered away.
Mrs. Claus said,
"It's indigestion, honey,"
but I knew better.
Oh, God.
"Someone
has stopped
believing," I said.
It was my mother.
She was always...
It really hurt me, you know?
I mean, you stopped writing me.
Y-You stopped
even thinking of me.
Didn't you?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Oh... c-can I see it?
Mm-mm.
Well, I'll give it back.
No.
I promise.
(whimpers)
(whimpers)
(people gasp)
Thanks.
BOMBER:
No! My bear!
My bear.
All right, cuff this guy.
BOMBER:
Oh! No!
Oh, God! Oh...
(loud explosion,
people yelling, gasping)
(people groaning, crying)
That didn't
sound too good.
Uh-huh.
(car alarms blaring in distance)
Oh, my God.
(faint jingling growing louder)
(jingling)
(jingles)
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, that's right,
we got the guy.
"The city can awake
from its nightmare
of terror"--
that's very good,
Your Honor.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Well, congratulations;
you're a hero.
I owe you one.
You, too.
Plus that bozo who went bang.
Well, take your stuff
and get out of here.
Sir, he broke out of jail.
You want to explain that
to a board of inquiry?
Yeah.
Funny thing is, I still
can't believe he's dead.
I mean, I know he came
down in pieces, but...
a guy like that, he
really believed he was
what he thought he was,
you know, and you sort
of have to admire that.
He got you.
Cynical me.
I thought he was
just a cheap con.
My keys.
He stole my keys.
Funny, your car was here
an hour ago.
Somebody must've took it.
Yep! (sighs)
GARY:
I think this
is for you.
(orchestral version
of "White Christmas" playing)
CHUCK:
It's magic.
At least it is if you believe.
Which, I guess,
can happen to the best of us.
♪ ♪
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, same to you.
It all depends
on being wise enough
to know your heart...
...and young enough
to feel that old surprise.
♪ I'm ♪
♪ Dreaming of ♪
♪ A white ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ With every ♪
(cat yowls)
♪ Christmas card ♪
♪ I write... ♪
♪ May your days ♪
♪ Be merry ♪
♪ And bright... ♪
(music slows)
♪ And may ♪
♪ All your ♪
♪ Christmases ♪
♪ Be ♪
♪ White. ♪
Merry Christmas.
SANTA (in distance):
Merry Christmas!