Dynasty (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - Episode #5.19 - full transcript
What's wrong?
Are the eggs
overdone? I knew it.
I told Mrs. Gunnerson
her flame was too high.
No. [chuckles] The eggs
aren't the problem.
It's this check that I just got
from the Van Kirk family lawyer.
My mother's will was
finally executed.
Wow. I guess she
didn't have time
to cut you out before she died.
No, but she did
leave me this note.
"To my handsome son,
extra security to help
after your inevitable
failure as a writer."
[chuckles] Still charming
from beyond the grave.
Well, she is
definitely looking up
from her rightful place in hell.
You need to show her
how wrong she was.
How great would it be if you
turned in a best seller now?
You got to be close
to done, right?
I mean... [chuckles]
Look, no writer's
really ever done,
but I do have
a draft that's... ready-ish.
And my editor did say that
she wanted to give me notes
before she leaves for vacation,
but, Fallon, I-I-I don't know.
Oh, let me read it first.
I'm great at giving notes.
You know, as long as
it's not a fantasy novel,
or historical
fiction, or a mystery.
I appreciate the offer,
but I don't want you to read it
before it's perfect, and plus,
you're not exactly gentle
when it comes to giving notes.
Oh, I thought you
liked it rough.
Okay, fine.
To be continued. I
have to go now anyway.
Where you off to?
Heroic Hooves. It's
time to talk fundraising
now that poor Patty De Vilbis
has officially stepped aside.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
CRISTAL: Mm. Someone
went on a shopping spree.
Mm. I treated myself.
As you should.
Your face is all
over town and TV.
Between NordicStar and FSN,
the past six months
have been a whirlwind.
Can you believe I turned
down Atlanta Today?
You turning down publicity?
Are you feeling okay?
I'm better than okay.
Local television
is small potatoes,
and I have to leave
some things unsaid
for my interview next week
in Vanity Fair.
Impressive.
Metaphorical doors
are flying open
since I won the contract.
Three magazine covers,
billboards both inside
and outside the perimeter,
and I'm set to be a guest judge
on Project Runway.
Does this mean there's
no time for spa day?
Unfortunately, no.
I have to meet a
bodyguard later.
Turns out, fame has
brought out some crazies.
FSN security has intercepted
some creepy emails.
Creepy how?
Well, listen to this.
"You're an undeserving fraud.
"Enjoy your time
in the limelight
"before it gets really dark,
and I take it all away.
Don't turn your back."
Sad, little people,
nothing more. I certainly
don't think I need to be
guarded like I'm the president.
I don't know, that was creepy.
Maybe this isn't the worst idea.
Aren't you supposed
to be opening
a hydroelectric plant
for Morell soon?
Why are you so
focused on this place?
Because I love
this organization,
and I want to do more
with it than just
an after-school riding
program and a rehab center
for retired race horses.
- Yeah? Like what?
- Well, I don't know yet,
but riding was key in shaping me
into the person I
am today, you know?
It made me disciplined,
gave me confidence.
Well, I think you were born
disciplined and confident.
[chuckles] Well, thank you.
Hey, do you want to be heroic
and help me out with a
nice, generous donation?
Or maybe I can wait and see
what you do with this place?
Now that Colby Co.'s
back up and running,
I want anything I put
my name on to be big,
and this feels a little small.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
The only thing small about
this place are the ponies.
But that's fine. We can
come back to this later.
If you don't want
to talk charity,
can we talk about
your personal life?
I really want you to
start dating again.
O-Okay, wait. How much
money do you want?
Because I will pay any amount
not to talk about my dating
life with you, cousin.
MANDY: Hello.
Ah, Mandy
Von Dunkel, just the
person I was looking for.
Jeff, this is Mandy.
Mandy is a bigwig
on the Heroic Hoovesboard.
It's a real pleasure. I'm
actually doing some business
- with your family.
- So I heard. Good luck.
We're a particular bunch.
Noted. Well, I hate
to meet and run,
but I've got some work
to do, and I'm sure
you two have plenty to discuss.
So, great to meet you.
- Great to meet you.
- Mandy,
walk with me.
[whistling]
You're certainlychipper,
or are you auditioning for
a remake of Snow White?
[laughs] What's not
to be chipper about?
Sales are soaring, I'm
dating a wonderful woman
who happens to be
pregnant with my nephew,
and I just got
taken off the waitlist
for the newest Rolex.
Well, I hate to
burst your bubble,
Dopey, but some people have
had serious side effects
with your new injectable.
Bruising around
the injection site
is a common occurrence
with injectables.
It's on the packaging.
Consumers on a beauty
industry watchdog site
have reported heart
problems, and now the FDA
- is involved.
- Oh, it's just cranky customers
with unrealistic expectations.
I'm not worried about it.
Well, maybe you
should get worried.
The FDA confiscated
some of the product
this morning and are
testing it tomorrow.
They are not going to find
anything objectionable,
are they?
The clinical trial adhered
to the highest
possible standard.
I promise, we have
nothing to hide.
I guess I just
needed reassurance.
I've worked so hard to get
this company to where it is,
I can't let your
product ruin it.
Mm, interesting. It's my product
now that the FDA is involved.
I thought we were a team.
Only when it suits me.
Huh. Hmm.
FALLON: Every race track
should have a corresponding
Heroic Hooves.
We can start helping
the backstretch workers
and their families, and
that's just the start.
Well, clearly you haven't
read the annual report.
Expansion of that magnitude,
that's not financially feasible.
I know that, Mandy. I'm
talking big picture here.
Well, the little
picture shows that
Heroic Hooves is in
danger of shutting down
due to lack of donations.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I mean, that's what you get
when you give so much power
to someone like Patty De Vilbis.
We should just be
grateful she's gone.
Patty was the one person
keeping the charity afloat.
She wrote a check every year
for operating expenses.
Of course, that all
stopped now that
she has been cut off from
the De Vilbis fortune.
Maybe it's just gossip,
but I heard
you had something to do with it.
[laughs]
Well, you know what
they say about gossip.
It's the devil's radio.
So, how much do we need?
You know a Carrington
never leaves home
without her checkbook.
No, a single donor is a
Band-Aid, not an answer.
I didn't like that Patty was
the sole underwriter either.
See, charities aren't meant
to be funded by one person.
You're right. Diversifying
funding sources is a good idea.
Well, I hope for your sake
that the Hooves annual
charity luncheon
later this week will
bring in a lot of money.
- For my sake?
- Well, you're trying to make positive change,
but the old guard
is fine with the status quo,
and they're hard to get excited.
Mandy, if there is
one thing that I know,
it's how to get people excited.
I am going to
shake things up with an event
that will make that luncheon
look like... well, a luncheon.
Mm, bless your heart, Fallon,
but this isn't a crowd
that appreciates anything
shaken but their martinis, okay?
They like their sweet tea cold
and "Amazing Grace" on Sundays.
Well, they better get
ready for Amazing Fallon
because I'm about to
bust out a miracle.
♪
♪
- Hey. How are you?
- Hey.
I'm still a little freaked
out about your mentor's death,
and I barely knew the guy.
Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm
hanging in there.
Cheese?
Humboldt Fog has a way
of making things better.
Actually, I just came out here
to find a quiet place to write.
You know, since the hotel
didn't work out too well.
Right. How's that going?
It's, uh...
You know what? I-I
really don't like talking
about current projects. You mind
if we just change the subject?
No problem.
We can talk about these
trolls on the internet
who have nothing better to do
than complain about the hotel.
Complain about what?
La Mirage is beautiful.
- I mean, the rooms are amazing.
- Our tuna melt is mediocre.
Especially compared to
the Waldorf's, apparently.
Well, I'm sure that's not true.
People online are morons, Sam.
Yes, that's true,
but the Waldorf's sandwich
has an Instagram page.
It's famous.
It makes our tuna melt
look like grilled cheese.
[sighs]
So just make their tuna melt.
Huh?
Hypothetical question.
If no one would ever know,
would you steal
and use the Waldorf's tuna
melt recipe as your own?
Why? Do you have it?
No. No. That's why I
said hypothetically.
Well, I think there are only so
many ways to make a tuna melt,
Liam. My chefs just need
to get a little creative
and make tuna magic.
Okay, what if their
creativity's tapped out?
You know, what if they
have no inspiration,
and using this new
recipe as their own
will get them back
on the right track?
[scoffs] I appreciate
your concern,
but we are talking
about a sandwich, right?
Yes. I guess we are.
Too many unsecured entrances.
Too many people
with an alarm code.
I'm gonna need a list of
everyone who has a key.
To be honest with you, I'm
a little shocked that FSN
would take this long to
assign you protection.
I haven't agreed
to this whole
bodyguard plan yet.
How does this even work?
What if I have a date?
Do you come with me?
Well, do you have a date?
No, but I could.
Well, then I will come with you.
You see, you really don't
have a say in the matter.
This is the network's call.
Because a few Internet lunatics
sent vaguely threatening emails?
No, because if you refuse,
then FSN will suspend you.
Fine.
Here.
A list of my employees.
Ow! [gasps]
Ow. [chuckles] Ow,
that's my neck.
This is my assistant. Emerson,
are you okay?
I just... just need
a minute. [grunts]
I'm sorry. I... I was
just doing my job.
Emerson...
Was able to sneak up
on you in seconds.
What if she had a weapon?
She had a burrito.
Maybe you can take
it down a notch.
That's not in my vocabulary.
This is going to be a
lot of fun for everyone.
[knock on door]
I'm in the middle
of a game right now.
Who are you playing?
The only worthy opponent I've
had since Anders died, me.
Listen, I... [chuckles]
I have an actual problem
that I really need your help
with fixing, but you
got to promise me
that you won't get angry.
Yeah, only a moron would
make that promise. No.
Um, I used an illegal plant
called Bokocho in my injectable,
and, uh, as of this morning,
the FDA is investigating it.
Well, the FDA is an
understaffed government agency.
All right, just change the plant
before they get to
you, it's a moot point.
Small issue. Uh, I have been
moved to the top of the pile
because apparently,
a handful of people
have, um, suffering some heart
irregularities after using it.
How did this even happen?
Well, anti-aging medicine works
by tightening capillaries,
so in some cases, it can
cause irregular heartbeats.
I don't care about
how your drug works.
How'd you get approval
in the first place?
Oh, I used your FDA contact,
and I omitted some key tests
because, well, it wasn't
moving fast enough,
and I wanted to hurry
it out to market.
You used my contact
without asking me?
What were you thinking?
Well, I didn't think it would
be a problem. I-I omitted
Bokocho from the
ingredients list,
and I called it bee pollen.
No one would've known
anything, except...
Except you're almost
killing people now.
What's gotten into you?
The spotlight's been on
Alexis for months now,
and I'm not getting any credit.
This whole thing
is my idea. This
injectable was my thing,
and I...
I couldn't fail.
Does your mother know
about any of this?
Mm-mm.
Okay,
I will see what I
can do to fix it.
SAM: Fashion show,
ladies' lunch, golf outing.
Nope. Boring. Seriously?
Hey, at least I'm trying.
No wonder fundraising is
down. Who wants to eat
another soggy Chinese chicken
salad and make small talk?
- Not me.
- Do you think this is all a waste of time?
Just HHF, in general? Is it
too small and unimportant?
Look, you're not curing
cancer, but who is?
Scientists? Oncologists?
Whatever. My point is
we all do what we can,
and since you don't
have a medical degree,
right now, it's all about
saving horses and helping kids.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
We all help the world in - our own way.
- Mm-hmm.
What's next on your list?
All right, I got, um,
tennis tournament... Mm.
Bike-a-thon.[door opens]
Hey.
Now that is a great way
to raise some money.
- Male escort business?
- Bachelor auction. What?
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
Bachelor auction.
Did you guys say something?
Mm-mm.
No.
How did you know I
needed something strong?
It's usually a pretty
good assumption.
Well, definitely a
good call for today.
I spent the day
with my publicist
making sure to keep the company
out of the press,
thanks to Adam.
I thought things were
good between you two now.
Oh, we're not fighting, but
the FDA is investigating
his injectable because,
apparently, it's causing
heart issues in some people.
That sounds serious.
What can I do?
Draw me a bath?
I meant more as a
businessman, less as a butler.
Oh, it's fine.
Adam assured me that he did
everything right. I trust him.
Well, I hope he's
telling the truth.
Once a government
entity flags you,
you are under a
microscope for a while.
But my old lawyer's now
chief counsel at the FDA.
Maybe I should call him,
see where this is
at. Just to be safe?
I appreciate your
concern, honey,
but everything is under control.
By the time I get
done with my bath,
maybe it'll be a distant memory.
Does this mean you're
not running it for me?
Indeed it does.[whines] Fine.
You're too stingy with
the bubbles anyway.
♪
WILLIAM: So, after getting
my PhD in macrobiology,
I decided to study land
organisms in foreign countries.
Brazil, India...
Look, William, I love
that you're smart,
but I am gonna need you
to take off your shirt
because it's really about
what's on the outside
that counts right now.
So, can you do that for me?
Oh. Okay.
- Not bad.
- Not good.
Okay, we'll be in touch.
- Thank you, - William.
[sighs]
Well, that's not gonna work.
I thought this was about
offering fun dates,
not naked playtime.
No, but we're also
selling the fantasy.
That guy's a scientist.
Nobody was gonna
bid on Gali-lame-o.
Where are all the hot
gays from the gym?
Okay, that's a stereotype,
and they're all too
busy working out
to donate their time
to charity, so...
So, it's true?
That a woman your age
shouldn't be wearing
a white tennis outfit?
Yeah, it's true.
As I was winning my match,
I heard my good friend
Sassy Jackson on
the next court over
talk about your plan
to hold a bacchanalia
at the Heroic Hooves ballroom.
I am planning to host
a perfectly dignified
bachelor auction, if
that's what you meant.
HHF is not about sex.
You'll have to find a new venue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not about sex.
Okay? It's just about
people letting loose
and having a good time,
something you clearly
need a lesson on.
See, this whole
enterprise just proves
how little you understand
about our organization.
Newsflash, Mandy: I read
the annual report...
The last two actually...
And we need money.
So, here is my offer:
back off, and if I don't double
the last two years of
fundraising, I'll step aside.
Well, that's a deal
too good to pass up.
But you'll still have to find
someplace else for your party.
We need more bachelors, ASAP.
Hmm...
I guess it's time to
hit the gym, right?
Yeah, it is.
And bring Culhane,
Liam, and Jeff with you.
If I am gonna pull this off
in two days, you guys are
gonna be the main attraction.
The competition's tuna melt.
So, you can decide for yourself.
Mmm. That is delicious.
Okay, so just steal the recipe.
Who's gonna know? I won't tell.
Look, I got bigger fish to fry.
Sorry, couldn't help it.
Well, I haven't sunk low enough
to steal a sandwich recipe,
not that I'd know how.
Why are you so
obsessed with this?
Because I'm just
showing you that people
steal from each
other all the time.
Okay, look, don't you
remember "Blurred Lines"?
Liam, what are you talking
about? I'm not Pharrell.
Can't I just enjoy this
amazing sandwich in peace?
Not until you hear
what I have to say.
Okay.
I found an old manuscript
that Professor Kingston
and I co-wrote,
and I'm thinking about
sending it to my editor.
Okay, why is that a problem?
Because, technically,
we didn't co-write it.
He wrote it.
Okay, now I'm
starting to understand
the stolen tuna melt obsession.
Listen, if you want my advice,
I wouldn't ruin my
reputation by plagiarizing
a sandwich recipe,
let alone a book.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Can we just forget this
conversation ever happened?
Here.
One bite of this,
and you'll forget your own name.
[phone chimes]
Why does Fallon
want us at the club?
And what does she
mean by "rehearsal"?
I'll explain on the way.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Thank you. I have
a private client
coming in from Paris next month,
and I want the crème de la
crme to be out peacocking.
Speaking of peacocking,
Fallon's hosting
a bachelor auction
for charity tomorrow night.
It'll be ridiculous.
We're going.
I'm in. I've been
so focused on work,
I've neglected my personal life.
And I have cash to
burn for a good cause
- and great abs.
- Hey, hold on.
An event like that
is a security issue,
and with threats
still out there,
I need to bring in more
eyes to keep you safe.
Can you believe
how absurd this is?
I'm sorry you find
your safety absurd.
Do what you need to do.
I need to figure
out what dress says,
"I can take care of myself,
but I still like a man
to pay for dinner."
Make yourself scarce so I
can try on a few things.
He's insufferable.
JOE: Five, six,
seven, eight. No
clapping. Walk, walk.
Hips. Hips. Turn.
Come on. All right, next.
Turn, turn, turn. Hip.
You on your phone. You not
supposed to be on your phone.
Come on, put it away. Pose.
That is not the pose. Stop.
[music stops] You're
making my stomach hurt.
- What?
- FALLON: Okay, you know what?
Joe, why don't you
go take a five.
Okay? You've earned
it. Thank you, Joe.
Everyone say,
"Thank you, Joe."
Fallon, why are we doing this?
Because Heroic Hooves needs
three times the donations
we normally get so that I can
start my expansion programs.
No, I'm actually talking about
the dance. And where's Jeff?
Well, I just thought the
dance was a super fun opener
to get the crowd
excited, and Jeff
is refusing to participate
because he is doing business
with Mandy's family.
But I want you to know
that I appreciate all of you
for agreeing to participate
and for letting me use the club.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I refuse
on account of I'm in a
relationship with Nina?
No, because I spoke to
Nina, and she's on board.
And the fact that
I am your husband?
Unfortunately, this is one
of those non-negotiables
in a marriage, but no one
is having sex with anyone, okay?
You're just showing
a lucky bidder
what it's like to
date a rich guy
for a day, and
speaking of, I have
some ideas of what you can
offer up at the auction.
Culhane, a ride in
your Aston Martin
and a visit to Tiger
Mountain Vineyards.
Sam, a private day
of shopping on you
- at Shops of Buckhead.
- Well, with a limit, obviously.
Maybe.
And, Liam, a package
I am calling "Coffee
with the Author."
Uh, it sounds a little more
like a panel than a date.
Oh, perfect, considering
we're still married.
Well, I'm glad
that we're all on the same page.
Okay, we need to get back
to rehearsal. Where's Joe?
I'm pretty sure I just
heard him driving away.
Perfect.
What's going on?
Why are you giving a bag of
needles to this strange woman?
Look, I'm having the injectable
tested in a private lab.
That way, we can get ahead of
any problems the FDA may find.
But I told you I
didn't need your help.
I know, but...
Just because we are
married does not mean
you get to make decisions
for me or my company.
There's no "they" in Alexam.
Well, technically, Adam is...
Forget that. Look,
if I'm wrong, no harm
done, but if I'm right,
then you'll be
ahead of the problem
and can deal with it from a
place of control, not crisis.
How about I deal
with it right now.
I will take those,
and you can go.
Clearly, you don't trust
me to make smart decisions.
What're you gonna do next? Go
through my credit card charges?
It's not you I don't
trust. It's Adam.
He did frame you for murder
and let you rot
in jail, remember?
What I remember is that you
told us to go to therapy
to work on our
issues, and we did,
and ever since, I have
been open and honest
and all of this other
therapy mumbo jumbo,
and now you are trying to
plant doubt back into mind.
That's not what I'm trying to
do. I'm looking out for you.
We are in a partnership now.
If something hurts
you, it hurts me.
Plus, I'm a prominent figure
in the business world...
[scoffs]...and now
that we're married,
your scandal can quickly
become my SEC headache.
Oh, well, I'm sorry
I'm not thinking about
your stupid hedge fund when
I'm focusing on my company.
My "stupid" hedge fund
is as important to me
as Alexam is to you,
but if you really think
that's what this is about,
then you're missing the point.
[sighs]
Are you sure you're sure?
Because Fallon can
be very convincing,
and by convincing, I
mean a bit of a bully.
[laughs] Do you think
I can be bullied?
It's a ride in your
car and a wine tasting.
Though, that sounds kind of
romantic when I say it out loud.
I can back out right now.
[chuckles] I'm kidding.
It's for charity.
[sighs] Fine. The truth is,
I was worried you would think
I wasn't all in if
I agreed to this.
Whoa, whoa, you're all
in? I'm, like, half in.
I got one foot out the door.
Whoa.
That felt like a "this
is serious" kind of kiss.
It was.
[knock on door]
Come in.
[coughing]
Shouldn't we be
leaving for the event?
As you can see, there's
been a change of plans.
[continues coughing]
I'm too sick to go now.
I must've caught
something from you.
I don't have a cold.
Probably because
you gave it to me.
Now, I'm in all night.
Well, I'm sorry you're
gonna have to miss
meeting your future husband,
but it's probably for the best.
And it's probably best
you leave. I need my rest.
No, I'm under
strict instructions
to watch one of FSN's
most valuable assets.
Well, be my guest.
I'm watching a marathon
of The Real Housewives.
You're welcome to join.
[coughing]
Yeah, uh...
Well, since you're gonna
be here all night, um...
I guess I can leave,
but don't go anywhere
and don't answer
the door for anyone.
I'm not moving. Good night.
All right. Call
me if you need me.
[door closes] Ready?
Almost. I need to make
sure the bodyguard leaves.
He seems like the type to sit
in the car and do crosswords.
I can drive us, but my
car's parked at the manor.
How are we gonna get back
there if he's lingering?
We have to go out the back.
Can you climb down the
fire escape in that dress?
Can you?
[chuckles] We'll have to see.
My FDA contact gave me the
name of the lab director
and the location where
your sample's being tested.
That's great. That
gives us plenty of time
to plan before the morning.
No. It's happening in two hours.
Apparently, your drug
is such a danger to the public
it's now a high priority.
So what do we do now?
Well, you have two
hours to produce
20 samples that'll test clean.
Look, even if I could
get clean samples,
how do we get into an FDA lab
and-and swap them out
without anyone noticing?
This is why it's important to
have friends in high places.
You worry about the
samples, I'll get us in.
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you all for
coming out tonight.
Dating for a good cause
is fun for everyone.
So is a good old musical number
to start the night,
and, luckily,
we have both for you.
Come on out, boys.
♪ I'm too sexy for my love
♪ Too sexy for my love,
love's going to leave me ♪
♪
♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt
♪ Too sexy for my shirt
♪ So sexy it hurts
♪ I'm too sexy for your party
♪ Too sexy for your party
♪ The way I'm disco dancing
♪ I'm a model, you
know what I mean? ♪
♪ And I do my little
turn on the catwalk ♪
♪ Yeah, on the catwalk
♪ On the catwalk, yeah
♪ I shake my little
tush on the catwalk. ♪
[music stops][scattered
applause]
Okay! How great was that?
Well, I thought it was.
Heroic Hooves is a charity
near and dear to my heart.
As somebody who spent
their life around horses,
I know how they deserve
a healthy retirement.
Definitely more than some
humans I know. [forced laugh]
Okay. Tough crowd.
Anyway, HHF is the reason
we are all here tonight.
So, let's start
this auction off.
First up we have Cole.
Come on out here, Cole.
There he is. [chuckles]
Cole is the perfect bachelor
with the perfect job,
and I would imagine perfect abs.
Cole, tell us a little bit
about your date package.
Uh, well,
I'm a "work hard, play
hard" kind of guy,
so my date package is a
trip to the Atlanta Fair,
where you can have all
of the deep-fried cookies
and cotton candy you can handle.
Wow. Okay. Sounds, uh...
Sounds sweet. Who
could say no to that?
Let's start the
bidding at, say, 1,000?
Do I hear 1,000?
1,000 from anyone?
Anyone at all? No.
Well, Cole, it looks
like we have a crowd
with impossibly high standards.
Is there anything else
you'd like to add?
Uh, yeah, I'm into
doing complex Lego
- and puppetry.
- That's not gonna help.
Um, why don't you
flex for the crowd.
Can you flex for us, Cole?
A normal flex with your arm.
Mandy, you are a horse's ass.
A Shirley Temple?
She's probably rolling over
in her grave right now.
She would be as appalled
as I am if she were here.
Well, is that why you're
stopping people from bidding,
because you're
living in the 1940s?
It's not because I hate charity.
But between this spectacle
and your gambling,
it doesn't really seem
that you are in it
for the giving back.
I know about that horse
race you and Patty bet on.
That sweet girl
loved this charity.
Now she has nothing.
Wait a minute. This
is all about Patty?
You know, I've been
at this a long time,
and I am not gonna
let you come in here
and upend the system.
Well, maybe the system
needs to be upended.
You are on the verge of
being shut down every year.
Your failure is inevitable.
And when that happens,
I'll take back the reins,
and I will bring Heroic Hooves
back to its traditional ways.
This isn't just a hobby for me.
I am committed to
making it work.
So if you want to come after me,
you better be ready.
[fire alarm bell ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
Well, this is inconvenient.
Maybe we should get out of here.
No, we're not going
anywhere. This is happening
exactly the way
it's supposed to.
Okay, but maybe it's
not the best idea
for me to be seen here,
considering that law enforcement
is swarming the place, and
I'm under the FDA microscope.
Yeah, I'd like to be home
playing chess with myself,
but we need to fix this,
and you're the only one
who can identify the Alexam
vials to make the switch.
Building's clear and
will stay that way
for approximately six minutes.
So get in there, do
your thing and get out.
Thank you, Chief.
Say hello to Bristol and
the kids for me, would you?
Mrs. Gunnerson sends her best
and her strawberry rhubarb pie.
All right, let's go.
Did I mention Mario also
drives race cars for a living?
Two thousand.
He's cute. Are you sure
you don't want to bid?
I don't like race
cars. Too loud.
Anyone else out there
not afraid of Mandy,
or too drunk to care?
Two thousand is a good start.
Okay, and apparently
a good finish.
Congratulations,
inebriated lady.
You're gonna have a great
date. Thanks.[woman laughs]
All right, let's take a
little five-minute break,
and when we come
back, I'd like to see
some smiling faces and
some attitude adjustments.
It's called generosity, people.
KEVIN: Really?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I went back to the
loft to tell you
I tracked down the
person who's sending you
those creepy emails.
It's a woman named
Lainie in Pensacola.
Lainie? She was the runner-up
for the NordicStar gig. I
knew this wasn't serious.
She's just a bitter loser.
You didn't need to
come here for that.
Well, now that I'm here,
all I see are threats.
And she wasn't the only person
responsible for the emails.
You look like you
could use a drink.
Not while I'm on the job.
Though I could use
a Shirley Temple.
'Cause I love me some grenadine.
I'm sorry, Cristal, I can't
do this while he's here.
I'm leaving, without a
bachelor and with a bodyguard.
What a disappointing night.
I'm sick. Remember?
Could you politely step off?
[playing gentle melody]
Wow, I didn't know
you played piano.
Does it sound like I play piano?
No, but this is me being
supportive and apologetic.
I'm sorry for doubting
your intentions.
It's been a long time since
I've had a true partner.
Someone I can trust blindly.
Come here.
I don't care about my
hedge fund, Alexis.
I care about you.
You're the most important
thing in my life.
You're the most
important thing in mine.
So, have you given the Adam
situation more thought?
I have.
And I want you to run the tests.
I'm sure it's nothing,
but you're right; I
need to protect myself.
- I'll call the tech.
- Well, make it quick.
Because I skipped
Fallon's bachelor auction
to spend time with you,
and now you're gonna need
to make it worth my while.
I appreciate the
sacrifice, Mrs. Dexter.
FALLON: It's not even
close to the top.
And you still have
to go out there.
Why are you doing shots?
To loosen up. Cheers!
There's no way I'm
gonna make my goal.
And I told Mandy I would
resign if I didn't.
Shot?
Don't be so negative.
Maybe my date package
will get your numbers up,
'cause I think some people
are really interested.
Can you go away?
[slap] Oh!
Feisty.
Don't even bother
with that crowd, okay?
They would much rather
be at a silent auction
sipping room-temperature chard
and bidding on a cheese basket.
Just because you
told her you'd resign
doesn't mean you have to.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together,
well, for me.[applause]
For those of you
who don't know me,
I'm Jeff Colby, founder
and CEO of Colby Co.
And I'm here tonight to
support Fallon Carrington.
Hey, this girl is hustling
to make this charity a success.
And okay, okay, maybe
she's not batting
her usual thousand tonight,
but she is trying to make
the world a better place
any way she can.
Which is what I'm
here to do, too.
But it's not a date
with me. Sorry.
It's a flight on my private jet
for a week on my private island
with the date of your dreams.
Seven nights of
uninterrupted bliss.
Thirty thousand.
Thirty-five thousand.
JEFF: Oh, sorry,
one more thing.
Starting price is 50,000.
And with 52 weeks in a
year, there is plenty
of bidding to do.
Trust me, this
island is amazing.
- Okay, 50,000 right here.
- JEFF: Yes!
Yes, I see you. Anyone else?
And remember, it's
all for charity.
So keep the bids coming, huh?
[applause]
- Thank you.
- MAN: All right, who else wants in?
- WOMAN: Over here!
- You there?
- WOMAN 2: Me, too!
- And you in the back.
What if I only want a date?
I don't actually
have 50,000 to spend.
Well, I'm sure whatever
you do have can work.
It's all for charity, right?
I can afford surf and
turf and a bottle of wine.
We can make that happen.
Great.
MAN: Private
island, private jet.
- WOMAN: I'll do 50!
- MAN: Yes!
- Hmm?
- You are my hero.
Thank you. How can
I... Oh. Handle that.
Okay!
Yes. Yes!
Let's hear it. Now,
who's ready for a date
with the author?
One million dollars.
- Sold!
- Get offstage.
[screams]
[lock clicks]
Well, would you look at that.
It appears my
tawdry little event
has raised enough money to
save Heroic Hooves and more.
Well, I suppose when you appeal
to the lowest
common denominator.
Mandy, if you have an issue
with the way I do things,
you can leave, and take your
snotty suck-ups with you.
Although, it does look like
they're having a good time.
No offense to your acolytes,
but I think I will be
courting a different crowd
in the future, when I
start my own foundation.
Perfect. What's next,
a wet T-shirt contest?
I'll add it to the list.
I'll be choosing which
organizations to support,
and how to support them.
So while you're at
your next bruncheon
choking on a stale
muffin, remember,
I'll be changing the world.
Uh, wow, that was
quite the smackdown.
Look, I'm not saying
she didn't deserve it,
but still, ooh!
Oh, she deserved
much more than that.
I'm sorry if tonight ruined
your business with her family.
Nah, that's okay.
I knew exactly what I was
doing getting up there.
So what made you
change your mind?
I saw Mandy trying to
tear you down earlier.
You stood your ground,
like you always do when
you believe in something.
I should never have
doubted you about this.
I wasn't about to let her win.
And you heard me: this
is just the start.
[sighs heavily] All clear.
Thank you for racing back over.
It all happened so quickly.
How did someone even
get on the property?
Changing of the guard is
the most dangerous
time of the day.
I'm confused. I
thought you said
Lainie was in Pensacola.
Well, she is. I mean,
as far as we know.
But I will get to
the bottom of this.
You're in the public eye now.
Crazies come out
of the woodwork.
If you stay on, I promise
there will be no
more sneaking out.
I'm taking these
threats seriously now.
I'm sorry I've been difficult.
I never considered
the dark side of fame.
I'm not a movie star.
Though, yes, I
can look like one.
But really,
I just make clothes.
Well, when you're talented,
it doesn't matter what you do.
Somebody somewhere will
want what you have.
Trust me,
you're not the first
difficult client I've had.
So, uh, I don't know, which...
which Housewives
are we watching?
[both chuckle]
That was so much better than a
conversation with the author.
Especially now that you're
gonna have a best seller.
I love the optimism, but
you haven't read the book.
That's where you're
wrong. I did read it.
And it's really good.
Wait, you read it?
When-when did you read it?
Okay, only the
first few chapters.
I had a little time to kill in
my glam squad chair earlier.
And I don't want you to
take this the wrong way,
but I was a little worried.
I mean, it just seemed like
you were really struggling
with this one,
and you were being so secretive,
but after reading it...
I mean, wow, Liam,
it was amazing.
Where did you even
come up with the idea?
[chuckles]
A writer never tells.
Okay, I think that's a
magician, but whatever.
When this book lands on the
Times' Best Seller list,
you and I are going
to drink champagne
and curse your mother's name.
If you're okay with that.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm just, uh, I'm just shocked
that you liked it so
much. I mean, like,
I-I thought it was good.
I just didn't think
it was that good.
Would I spend a million
dollars on just any author?
Only the best.
[kissing]
BLAKE: Great.
Oh, great. Thank you
for the good news.
Did the samples pass?
Oh, no, that was my tailor.
My new suit is finally ready.
But yeah, I also
talked to my source.
The samples passed. There's
nothing to worry about.
[exhales sharply]
Thank you.
But the less we talk
about this, the better.
And you need to fix your
plant problem immediately.
This watchdog group has you
in their crosshairs now.
Huh. Now I know what it's like
to have you on my side
in a sticky situation.
Well, of course I
was on your side.
I'm your father.
FALLON: Big news, Sam.
Is this about the horses again?
Or your new foundation?
Or the network?
Liam turned in his
new book this morning.
Oh. That is big news.
And frankly, I would be shocked
if anyone had a single note.
Everyone gets notes.
Well, maybe Liam will get lucky
and get off scot-free.
Fingers crossed.
Ew, is there even
champagne in these mimosas?
I knew they looked
weird. Jeanette!
You turned it in?
Put yourself in my shoes.
Okay, yeah, sure,
it's easy to say
you'd do the right thing,
but trust me, when your
wife is looking in your eyes
and calling you a
genius, it's just as easy
to do the wrong thing.
Oh, she thinks you're a genius?
For turning in a book
you didn't write?
I did some edits.
I took a pass at a few chapters.
Oh, and by the way, I
saw you put the tuna melt
- back on the menu.
- Yes, I did.
But I didn't steal it.
I hired a new chef
and figured out a way
to make it my own.
Because that is a
solution I can live with.
Hope you can live with yours.
Glad to see you're
already drinking.
Maybe it'll take the sting
out of what I'm about to say.
I know you lied to me.
I know you put our partnership,
our company and our reputation
on the line.
Oh, Mother, don't
worry about it.
It's been handled.
Tell her, Father.
I got your company
out of trouble,
so you can thank me by leaving.
I am not worried, and
I am not thanking you.
I handled my own business.
Come in!
Mother, what did you do?
These agents are from the DEA.
When I did my own testing
and discovered you were
importing and using
an illegal drug,
I called the authorities.
I can't believe you'd do this.
We're partners.
No, we are definitely
not partners.
I couldn't trust you
not to turn on me again.
Frame me for murder
once, shame on me.
Frame me again?
[sighs] Father, wha...
You're gonna... You're
gonna fix this, right?
I'll do what I can, but
I can't promise anything.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Are the eggs
overdone? I knew it.
I told Mrs. Gunnerson
her flame was too high.
No. [chuckles] The eggs
aren't the problem.
It's this check that I just got
from the Van Kirk family lawyer.
My mother's will was
finally executed.
Wow. I guess she
didn't have time
to cut you out before she died.
No, but she did
leave me this note.
"To my handsome son,
extra security to help
after your inevitable
failure as a writer."
[chuckles] Still charming
from beyond the grave.
Well, she is
definitely looking up
from her rightful place in hell.
You need to show her
how wrong she was.
How great would it be if you
turned in a best seller now?
You got to be close
to done, right?
I mean... [chuckles]
Look, no writer's
really ever done,
but I do have
a draft that's... ready-ish.
And my editor did say that
she wanted to give me notes
before she leaves for vacation,
but, Fallon, I-I-I don't know.
Oh, let me read it first.
I'm great at giving notes.
You know, as long as
it's not a fantasy novel,
or historical
fiction, or a mystery.
I appreciate the offer,
but I don't want you to read it
before it's perfect, and plus,
you're not exactly gentle
when it comes to giving notes.
Oh, I thought you
liked it rough.
Okay, fine.
To be continued. I
have to go now anyway.
Where you off to?
Heroic Hooves. It's
time to talk fundraising
now that poor Patty De Vilbis
has officially stepped aside.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
CRISTAL: Mm. Someone
went on a shopping spree.
Mm. I treated myself.
As you should.
Your face is all
over town and TV.
Between NordicStar and FSN,
the past six months
have been a whirlwind.
Can you believe I turned
down Atlanta Today?
You turning down publicity?
Are you feeling okay?
I'm better than okay.
Local television
is small potatoes,
and I have to leave
some things unsaid
for my interview next week
in Vanity Fair.
Impressive.
Metaphorical doors
are flying open
since I won the contract.
Three magazine covers,
billboards both inside
and outside the perimeter,
and I'm set to be a guest judge
on Project Runway.
Does this mean there's
no time for spa day?
Unfortunately, no.
I have to meet a
bodyguard later.
Turns out, fame has
brought out some crazies.
FSN security has intercepted
some creepy emails.
Creepy how?
Well, listen to this.
"You're an undeserving fraud.
"Enjoy your time
in the limelight
"before it gets really dark,
and I take it all away.
Don't turn your back."
Sad, little people,
nothing more. I certainly
don't think I need to be
guarded like I'm the president.
I don't know, that was creepy.
Maybe this isn't the worst idea.
Aren't you supposed
to be opening
a hydroelectric plant
for Morell soon?
Why are you so
focused on this place?
Because I love
this organization,
and I want to do more
with it than just
an after-school riding
program and a rehab center
for retired race horses.
- Yeah? Like what?
- Well, I don't know yet,
but riding was key in shaping me
into the person I
am today, you know?
It made me disciplined,
gave me confidence.
Well, I think you were born
disciplined and confident.
[chuckles] Well, thank you.
Hey, do you want to be heroic
and help me out with a
nice, generous donation?
Or maybe I can wait and see
what you do with this place?
Now that Colby Co.'s
back up and running,
I want anything I put
my name on to be big,
and this feels a little small.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
The only thing small about
this place are the ponies.
But that's fine. We can
come back to this later.
If you don't want
to talk charity,
can we talk about
your personal life?
I really want you to
start dating again.
O-Okay, wait. How much
money do you want?
Because I will pay any amount
not to talk about my dating
life with you, cousin.
MANDY: Hello.
Ah, Mandy
Von Dunkel, just the
person I was looking for.
Jeff, this is Mandy.
Mandy is a bigwig
on the Heroic Hoovesboard.
It's a real pleasure. I'm
actually doing some business
- with your family.
- So I heard. Good luck.
We're a particular bunch.
Noted. Well, I hate
to meet and run,
but I've got some work
to do, and I'm sure
you two have plenty to discuss.
So, great to meet you.
- Great to meet you.
- Mandy,
walk with me.
[whistling]
You're certainlychipper,
or are you auditioning for
a remake of Snow White?
[laughs] What's not
to be chipper about?
Sales are soaring, I'm
dating a wonderful woman
who happens to be
pregnant with my nephew,
and I just got
taken off the waitlist
for the newest Rolex.
Well, I hate to
burst your bubble,
Dopey, but some people have
had serious side effects
with your new injectable.
Bruising around
the injection site
is a common occurrence
with injectables.
It's on the packaging.
Consumers on a beauty
industry watchdog site
have reported heart
problems, and now the FDA
- is involved.
- Oh, it's just cranky customers
with unrealistic expectations.
I'm not worried about it.
Well, maybe you
should get worried.
The FDA confiscated
some of the product
this morning and are
testing it tomorrow.
They are not going to find
anything objectionable,
are they?
The clinical trial adhered
to the highest
possible standard.
I promise, we have
nothing to hide.
I guess I just
needed reassurance.
I've worked so hard to get
this company to where it is,
I can't let your
product ruin it.
Mm, interesting. It's my product
now that the FDA is involved.
I thought we were a team.
Only when it suits me.
Huh. Hmm.
FALLON: Every race track
should have a corresponding
Heroic Hooves.
We can start helping
the backstretch workers
and their families, and
that's just the start.
Well, clearly you haven't
read the annual report.
Expansion of that magnitude,
that's not financially feasible.
I know that, Mandy. I'm
talking big picture here.
Well, the little
picture shows that
Heroic Hooves is in
danger of shutting down
due to lack of donations.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I mean, that's what you get
when you give so much power
to someone like Patty De Vilbis.
We should just be
grateful she's gone.
Patty was the one person
keeping the charity afloat.
She wrote a check every year
for operating expenses.
Of course, that all
stopped now that
she has been cut off from
the De Vilbis fortune.
Maybe it's just gossip,
but I heard
you had something to do with it.
[laughs]
Well, you know what
they say about gossip.
It's the devil's radio.
So, how much do we need?
You know a Carrington
never leaves home
without her checkbook.
No, a single donor is a
Band-Aid, not an answer.
I didn't like that Patty was
the sole underwriter either.
See, charities aren't meant
to be funded by one person.
You're right. Diversifying
funding sources is a good idea.
Well, I hope for your sake
that the Hooves annual
charity luncheon
later this week will
bring in a lot of money.
- For my sake?
- Well, you're trying to make positive change,
but the old guard
is fine with the status quo,
and they're hard to get excited.
Mandy, if there is
one thing that I know,
it's how to get people excited.
I am going to
shake things up with an event
that will make that luncheon
look like... well, a luncheon.
Mm, bless your heart, Fallon,
but this isn't a crowd
that appreciates anything
shaken but their martinis, okay?
They like their sweet tea cold
and "Amazing Grace" on Sundays.
Well, they better get
ready for Amazing Fallon
because I'm about to
bust out a miracle.
♪
♪
- Hey. How are you?
- Hey.
I'm still a little freaked
out about your mentor's death,
and I barely knew the guy.
Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm
hanging in there.
Cheese?
Humboldt Fog has a way
of making things better.
Actually, I just came out here
to find a quiet place to write.
You know, since the hotel
didn't work out too well.
Right. How's that going?
It's, uh...
You know what? I-I
really don't like talking
about current projects. You mind
if we just change the subject?
No problem.
We can talk about these
trolls on the internet
who have nothing better to do
than complain about the hotel.
Complain about what?
La Mirage is beautiful.
- I mean, the rooms are amazing.
- Our tuna melt is mediocre.
Especially compared to
the Waldorf's, apparently.
Well, I'm sure that's not true.
People online are morons, Sam.
Yes, that's true,
but the Waldorf's sandwich
has an Instagram page.
It's famous.
It makes our tuna melt
look like grilled cheese.
[sighs]
So just make their tuna melt.
Huh?
Hypothetical question.
If no one would ever know,
would you steal
and use the Waldorf's tuna
melt recipe as your own?
Why? Do you have it?
No. No. That's why I
said hypothetically.
Well, I think there are only so
many ways to make a tuna melt,
Liam. My chefs just need
to get a little creative
and make tuna magic.
Okay, what if their
creativity's tapped out?
You know, what if they
have no inspiration,
and using this new
recipe as their own
will get them back
on the right track?
[scoffs] I appreciate
your concern,
but we are talking
about a sandwich, right?
Yes. I guess we are.
Too many unsecured entrances.
Too many people
with an alarm code.
I'm gonna need a list of
everyone who has a key.
To be honest with you, I'm
a little shocked that FSN
would take this long to
assign you protection.
I haven't agreed
to this whole
bodyguard plan yet.
How does this even work?
What if I have a date?
Do you come with me?
Well, do you have a date?
No, but I could.
Well, then I will come with you.
You see, you really don't
have a say in the matter.
This is the network's call.
Because a few Internet lunatics
sent vaguely threatening emails?
No, because if you refuse,
then FSN will suspend you.
Fine.
Here.
A list of my employees.
Ow! [gasps]
Ow. [chuckles] Ow,
that's my neck.
This is my assistant. Emerson,
are you okay?
I just... just need
a minute. [grunts]
I'm sorry. I... I was
just doing my job.
Emerson...
Was able to sneak up
on you in seconds.
What if she had a weapon?
She had a burrito.
Maybe you can take
it down a notch.
That's not in my vocabulary.
This is going to be a
lot of fun for everyone.
[knock on door]
I'm in the middle
of a game right now.
Who are you playing?
The only worthy opponent I've
had since Anders died, me.
Listen, I... [chuckles]
I have an actual problem
that I really need your help
with fixing, but you
got to promise me
that you won't get angry.
Yeah, only a moron would
make that promise. No.
Um, I used an illegal plant
called Bokocho in my injectable,
and, uh, as of this morning,
the FDA is investigating it.
Well, the FDA is an
understaffed government agency.
All right, just change the plant
before they get to
you, it's a moot point.
Small issue. Uh, I have been
moved to the top of the pile
because apparently,
a handful of people
have, um, suffering some heart
irregularities after using it.
How did this even happen?
Well, anti-aging medicine works
by tightening capillaries,
so in some cases, it can
cause irregular heartbeats.
I don't care about
how your drug works.
How'd you get approval
in the first place?
Oh, I used your FDA contact,
and I omitted some key tests
because, well, it wasn't
moving fast enough,
and I wanted to hurry
it out to market.
You used my contact
without asking me?
What were you thinking?
Well, I didn't think it would
be a problem. I-I omitted
Bokocho from the
ingredients list,
and I called it bee pollen.
No one would've known
anything, except...
Except you're almost
killing people now.
What's gotten into you?
The spotlight's been on
Alexis for months now,
and I'm not getting any credit.
This whole thing
is my idea. This
injectable was my thing,
and I...
I couldn't fail.
Does your mother know
about any of this?
Mm-mm.
Okay,
I will see what I
can do to fix it.
SAM: Fashion show,
ladies' lunch, golf outing.
Nope. Boring. Seriously?
Hey, at least I'm trying.
No wonder fundraising is
down. Who wants to eat
another soggy Chinese chicken
salad and make small talk?
- Not me.
- Do you think this is all a waste of time?
Just HHF, in general? Is it
too small and unimportant?
Look, you're not curing
cancer, but who is?
Scientists? Oncologists?
Whatever. My point is
we all do what we can,
and since you don't
have a medical degree,
right now, it's all about
saving horses and helping kids.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
We all help the world in - our own way.
- Mm-hmm.
What's next on your list?
All right, I got, um,
tennis tournament... Mm.
Bike-a-thon.[door opens]
Hey.
Now that is a great way
to raise some money.
- Male escort business?
- Bachelor auction. What?
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
Bachelor auction.
Did you guys say something?
Mm-mm.
No.
How did you know I
needed something strong?
It's usually a pretty
good assumption.
Well, definitely a
good call for today.
I spent the day
with my publicist
making sure to keep the company
out of the press,
thanks to Adam.
I thought things were
good between you two now.
Oh, we're not fighting, but
the FDA is investigating
his injectable because,
apparently, it's causing
heart issues in some people.
That sounds serious.
What can I do?
Draw me a bath?
I meant more as a
businessman, less as a butler.
Oh, it's fine.
Adam assured me that he did
everything right. I trust him.
Well, I hope he's
telling the truth.
Once a government
entity flags you,
you are under a
microscope for a while.
But my old lawyer's now
chief counsel at the FDA.
Maybe I should call him,
see where this is
at. Just to be safe?
I appreciate your
concern, honey,
but everything is under control.
By the time I get
done with my bath,
maybe it'll be a distant memory.
Does this mean you're
not running it for me?
Indeed it does.[whines] Fine.
You're too stingy with
the bubbles anyway.
♪
WILLIAM: So, after getting
my PhD in macrobiology,
I decided to study land
organisms in foreign countries.
Brazil, India...
Look, William, I love
that you're smart,
but I am gonna need you
to take off your shirt
because it's really about
what's on the outside
that counts right now.
So, can you do that for me?
Oh. Okay.
- Not bad.
- Not good.
Okay, we'll be in touch.
- Thank you, - William.
[sighs]
Well, that's not gonna work.
I thought this was about
offering fun dates,
not naked playtime.
No, but we're also
selling the fantasy.
That guy's a scientist.
Nobody was gonna
bid on Gali-lame-o.
Where are all the hot
gays from the gym?
Okay, that's a stereotype,
and they're all too
busy working out
to donate their time
to charity, so...
So, it's true?
That a woman your age
shouldn't be wearing
a white tennis outfit?
Yeah, it's true.
As I was winning my match,
I heard my good friend
Sassy Jackson on
the next court over
talk about your plan
to hold a bacchanalia
at the Heroic Hooves ballroom.
I am planning to host
a perfectly dignified
bachelor auction, if
that's what you meant.
HHF is not about sex.
You'll have to find a new venue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not about sex.
Okay? It's just about
people letting loose
and having a good time,
something you clearly
need a lesson on.
See, this whole
enterprise just proves
how little you understand
about our organization.
Newsflash, Mandy: I read
the annual report...
The last two actually...
And we need money.
So, here is my offer:
back off, and if I don't double
the last two years of
fundraising, I'll step aside.
Well, that's a deal
too good to pass up.
But you'll still have to find
someplace else for your party.
We need more bachelors, ASAP.
Hmm...
I guess it's time to
hit the gym, right?
Yeah, it is.
And bring Culhane,
Liam, and Jeff with you.
If I am gonna pull this off
in two days, you guys are
gonna be the main attraction.
The competition's tuna melt.
So, you can decide for yourself.
Mmm. That is delicious.
Okay, so just steal the recipe.
Who's gonna know? I won't tell.
Look, I got bigger fish to fry.
Sorry, couldn't help it.
Well, I haven't sunk low enough
to steal a sandwich recipe,
not that I'd know how.
Why are you so
obsessed with this?
Because I'm just
showing you that people
steal from each
other all the time.
Okay, look, don't you
remember "Blurred Lines"?
Liam, what are you talking
about? I'm not Pharrell.
Can't I just enjoy this
amazing sandwich in peace?
Not until you hear
what I have to say.
Okay.
I found an old manuscript
that Professor Kingston
and I co-wrote,
and I'm thinking about
sending it to my editor.
Okay, why is that a problem?
Because, technically,
we didn't co-write it.
He wrote it.
Okay, now I'm
starting to understand
the stolen tuna melt obsession.
Listen, if you want my advice,
I wouldn't ruin my
reputation by plagiarizing
a sandwich recipe,
let alone a book.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Can we just forget this
conversation ever happened?
Here.
One bite of this,
and you'll forget your own name.
[phone chimes]
Why does Fallon
want us at the club?
And what does she
mean by "rehearsal"?
I'll explain on the way.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Thank you. I have
a private client
coming in from Paris next month,
and I want the crème de la
crme to be out peacocking.
Speaking of peacocking,
Fallon's hosting
a bachelor auction
for charity tomorrow night.
It'll be ridiculous.
We're going.
I'm in. I've been
so focused on work,
I've neglected my personal life.
And I have cash to
burn for a good cause
- and great abs.
- Hey, hold on.
An event like that
is a security issue,
and with threats
still out there,
I need to bring in more
eyes to keep you safe.
Can you believe
how absurd this is?
I'm sorry you find
your safety absurd.
Do what you need to do.
I need to figure
out what dress says,
"I can take care of myself,
but I still like a man
to pay for dinner."
Make yourself scarce so I
can try on a few things.
He's insufferable.
JOE: Five, six,
seven, eight. No
clapping. Walk, walk.
Hips. Hips. Turn.
Come on. All right, next.
Turn, turn, turn. Hip.
You on your phone. You not
supposed to be on your phone.
Come on, put it away. Pose.
That is not the pose. Stop.
[music stops] You're
making my stomach hurt.
- What?
- FALLON: Okay, you know what?
Joe, why don't you
go take a five.
Okay? You've earned
it. Thank you, Joe.
Everyone say,
"Thank you, Joe."
Fallon, why are we doing this?
Because Heroic Hooves needs
three times the donations
we normally get so that I can
start my expansion programs.
No, I'm actually talking about
the dance. And where's Jeff?
Well, I just thought the
dance was a super fun opener
to get the crowd
excited, and Jeff
is refusing to participate
because he is doing business
with Mandy's family.
But I want you to know
that I appreciate all of you
for agreeing to participate
and for letting me use the club.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I refuse
on account of I'm in a
relationship with Nina?
No, because I spoke to
Nina, and she's on board.
And the fact that
I am your husband?
Unfortunately, this is one
of those non-negotiables
in a marriage, but no one
is having sex with anyone, okay?
You're just showing
a lucky bidder
what it's like to
date a rich guy
for a day, and
speaking of, I have
some ideas of what you can
offer up at the auction.
Culhane, a ride in
your Aston Martin
and a visit to Tiger
Mountain Vineyards.
Sam, a private day
of shopping on you
- at Shops of Buckhead.
- Well, with a limit, obviously.
Maybe.
And, Liam, a package
I am calling "Coffee
with the Author."
Uh, it sounds a little more
like a panel than a date.
Oh, perfect, considering
we're still married.
Well, I'm glad
that we're all on the same page.
Okay, we need to get back
to rehearsal. Where's Joe?
I'm pretty sure I just
heard him driving away.
Perfect.
What's going on?
Why are you giving a bag of
needles to this strange woman?
Look, I'm having the injectable
tested in a private lab.
That way, we can get ahead of
any problems the FDA may find.
But I told you I
didn't need your help.
I know, but...
Just because we are
married does not mean
you get to make decisions
for me or my company.
There's no "they" in Alexam.
Well, technically, Adam is...
Forget that. Look,
if I'm wrong, no harm
done, but if I'm right,
then you'll be
ahead of the problem
and can deal with it from a
place of control, not crisis.
How about I deal
with it right now.
I will take those,
and you can go.
Clearly, you don't trust
me to make smart decisions.
What're you gonna do next? Go
through my credit card charges?
It's not you I don't
trust. It's Adam.
He did frame you for murder
and let you rot
in jail, remember?
What I remember is that you
told us to go to therapy
to work on our
issues, and we did,
and ever since, I have
been open and honest
and all of this other
therapy mumbo jumbo,
and now you are trying to
plant doubt back into mind.
That's not what I'm trying to
do. I'm looking out for you.
We are in a partnership now.
If something hurts
you, it hurts me.
Plus, I'm a prominent figure
in the business world...
[scoffs]...and now
that we're married,
your scandal can quickly
become my SEC headache.
Oh, well, I'm sorry
I'm not thinking about
your stupid hedge fund when
I'm focusing on my company.
My "stupid" hedge fund
is as important to me
as Alexam is to you,
but if you really think
that's what this is about,
then you're missing the point.
[sighs]
Are you sure you're sure?
Because Fallon can
be very convincing,
and by convincing, I
mean a bit of a bully.
[laughs] Do you think
I can be bullied?
It's a ride in your
car and a wine tasting.
Though, that sounds kind of
romantic when I say it out loud.
I can back out right now.
[chuckles] I'm kidding.
It's for charity.
[sighs] Fine. The truth is,
I was worried you would think
I wasn't all in if
I agreed to this.
Whoa, whoa, you're all
in? I'm, like, half in.
I got one foot out the door.
Whoa.
That felt like a "this
is serious" kind of kiss.
It was.
[knock on door]
Come in.
[coughing]
Shouldn't we be
leaving for the event?
As you can see, there's
been a change of plans.
[continues coughing]
I'm too sick to go now.
I must've caught
something from you.
I don't have a cold.
Probably because
you gave it to me.
Now, I'm in all night.
Well, I'm sorry you're
gonna have to miss
meeting your future husband,
but it's probably for the best.
And it's probably best
you leave. I need my rest.
No, I'm under
strict instructions
to watch one of FSN's
most valuable assets.
Well, be my guest.
I'm watching a marathon
of The Real Housewives.
You're welcome to join.
[coughing]
Yeah, uh...
Well, since you're gonna
be here all night, um...
I guess I can leave,
but don't go anywhere
and don't answer
the door for anyone.
I'm not moving. Good night.
All right. Call
me if you need me.
[door closes] Ready?
Almost. I need to make
sure the bodyguard leaves.
He seems like the type to sit
in the car and do crosswords.
I can drive us, but my
car's parked at the manor.
How are we gonna get back
there if he's lingering?
We have to go out the back.
Can you climb down the
fire escape in that dress?
Can you?
[chuckles] We'll have to see.
My FDA contact gave me the
name of the lab director
and the location where
your sample's being tested.
That's great. That
gives us plenty of time
to plan before the morning.
No. It's happening in two hours.
Apparently, your drug
is such a danger to the public
it's now a high priority.
So what do we do now?
Well, you have two
hours to produce
20 samples that'll test clean.
Look, even if I could
get clean samples,
how do we get into an FDA lab
and-and swap them out
without anyone noticing?
This is why it's important to
have friends in high places.
You worry about the
samples, I'll get us in.
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you all for
coming out tonight.
Dating for a good cause
is fun for everyone.
So is a good old musical number
to start the night,
and, luckily,
we have both for you.
Come on out, boys.
♪ I'm too sexy for my love
♪ Too sexy for my love,
love's going to leave me ♪
♪
♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt
♪ Too sexy for my shirt
♪ So sexy it hurts
♪ I'm too sexy for your party
♪ Too sexy for your party
♪ The way I'm disco dancing
♪ I'm a model, you
know what I mean? ♪
♪ And I do my little
turn on the catwalk ♪
♪ Yeah, on the catwalk
♪ On the catwalk, yeah
♪ I shake my little
tush on the catwalk. ♪
[music stops][scattered
applause]
Okay! How great was that?
Well, I thought it was.
Heroic Hooves is a charity
near and dear to my heart.
As somebody who spent
their life around horses,
I know how they deserve
a healthy retirement.
Definitely more than some
humans I know. [forced laugh]
Okay. Tough crowd.
Anyway, HHF is the reason
we are all here tonight.
So, let's start
this auction off.
First up we have Cole.
Come on out here, Cole.
There he is. [chuckles]
Cole is the perfect bachelor
with the perfect job,
and I would imagine perfect abs.
Cole, tell us a little bit
about your date package.
Uh, well,
I'm a "work hard, play
hard" kind of guy,
so my date package is a
trip to the Atlanta Fair,
where you can have all
of the deep-fried cookies
and cotton candy you can handle.
Wow. Okay. Sounds, uh...
Sounds sweet. Who
could say no to that?
Let's start the
bidding at, say, 1,000?
Do I hear 1,000?
1,000 from anyone?
Anyone at all? No.
Well, Cole, it looks
like we have a crowd
with impossibly high standards.
Is there anything else
you'd like to add?
Uh, yeah, I'm into
doing complex Lego
- and puppetry.
- That's not gonna help.
Um, why don't you
flex for the crowd.
Can you flex for us, Cole?
A normal flex with your arm.
Mandy, you are a horse's ass.
A Shirley Temple?
She's probably rolling over
in her grave right now.
She would be as appalled
as I am if she were here.
Well, is that why you're
stopping people from bidding,
because you're
living in the 1940s?
It's not because I hate charity.
But between this spectacle
and your gambling,
it doesn't really seem
that you are in it
for the giving back.
I know about that horse
race you and Patty bet on.
That sweet girl
loved this charity.
Now she has nothing.
Wait a minute. This
is all about Patty?
You know, I've been
at this a long time,
and I am not gonna
let you come in here
and upend the system.
Well, maybe the system
needs to be upended.
You are on the verge of
being shut down every year.
Your failure is inevitable.
And when that happens,
I'll take back the reins,
and I will bring Heroic Hooves
back to its traditional ways.
This isn't just a hobby for me.
I am committed to
making it work.
So if you want to come after me,
you better be ready.
[fire alarm bell ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
Well, this is inconvenient.
Maybe we should get out of here.
No, we're not going
anywhere. This is happening
exactly the way
it's supposed to.
Okay, but maybe it's
not the best idea
for me to be seen here,
considering that law enforcement
is swarming the place, and
I'm under the FDA microscope.
Yeah, I'd like to be home
playing chess with myself,
but we need to fix this,
and you're the only one
who can identify the Alexam
vials to make the switch.
Building's clear and
will stay that way
for approximately six minutes.
So get in there, do
your thing and get out.
Thank you, Chief.
Say hello to Bristol and
the kids for me, would you?
Mrs. Gunnerson sends her best
and her strawberry rhubarb pie.
All right, let's go.
Did I mention Mario also
drives race cars for a living?
Two thousand.
He's cute. Are you sure
you don't want to bid?
I don't like race
cars. Too loud.
Anyone else out there
not afraid of Mandy,
or too drunk to care?
Two thousand is a good start.
Okay, and apparently
a good finish.
Congratulations,
inebriated lady.
You're gonna have a great
date. Thanks.[woman laughs]
All right, let's take a
little five-minute break,
and when we come
back, I'd like to see
some smiling faces and
some attitude adjustments.
It's called generosity, people.
KEVIN: Really?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I went back to the
loft to tell you
I tracked down the
person who's sending you
those creepy emails.
It's a woman named
Lainie in Pensacola.
Lainie? She was the runner-up
for the NordicStar gig. I
knew this wasn't serious.
She's just a bitter loser.
You didn't need to
come here for that.
Well, now that I'm here,
all I see are threats.
And she wasn't the only person
responsible for the emails.
You look like you
could use a drink.
Not while I'm on the job.
Though I could use
a Shirley Temple.
'Cause I love me some grenadine.
I'm sorry, Cristal, I can't
do this while he's here.
I'm leaving, without a
bachelor and with a bodyguard.
What a disappointing night.
I'm sick. Remember?
Could you politely step off?
[playing gentle melody]
Wow, I didn't know
you played piano.
Does it sound like I play piano?
No, but this is me being
supportive and apologetic.
I'm sorry for doubting
your intentions.
It's been a long time since
I've had a true partner.
Someone I can trust blindly.
Come here.
I don't care about my
hedge fund, Alexis.
I care about you.
You're the most important
thing in my life.
You're the most
important thing in mine.
So, have you given the Adam
situation more thought?
I have.
And I want you to run the tests.
I'm sure it's nothing,
but you're right; I
need to protect myself.
- I'll call the tech.
- Well, make it quick.
Because I skipped
Fallon's bachelor auction
to spend time with you,
and now you're gonna need
to make it worth my while.
I appreciate the
sacrifice, Mrs. Dexter.
FALLON: It's not even
close to the top.
And you still have
to go out there.
Why are you doing shots?
To loosen up. Cheers!
There's no way I'm
gonna make my goal.
And I told Mandy I would
resign if I didn't.
Shot?
Don't be so negative.
Maybe my date package
will get your numbers up,
'cause I think some people
are really interested.
Can you go away?
[slap] Oh!
Feisty.
Don't even bother
with that crowd, okay?
They would much rather
be at a silent auction
sipping room-temperature chard
and bidding on a cheese basket.
Just because you
told her you'd resign
doesn't mean you have to.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together,
well, for me.[applause]
For those of you
who don't know me,
I'm Jeff Colby, founder
and CEO of Colby Co.
And I'm here tonight to
support Fallon Carrington.
Hey, this girl is hustling
to make this charity a success.
And okay, okay, maybe
she's not batting
her usual thousand tonight,
but she is trying to make
the world a better place
any way she can.
Which is what I'm
here to do, too.
But it's not a date
with me. Sorry.
It's a flight on my private jet
for a week on my private island
with the date of your dreams.
Seven nights of
uninterrupted bliss.
Thirty thousand.
Thirty-five thousand.
JEFF: Oh, sorry,
one more thing.
Starting price is 50,000.
And with 52 weeks in a
year, there is plenty
of bidding to do.
Trust me, this
island is amazing.
- Okay, 50,000 right here.
- JEFF: Yes!
Yes, I see you. Anyone else?
And remember, it's
all for charity.
So keep the bids coming, huh?
[applause]
- Thank you.
- MAN: All right, who else wants in?
- WOMAN: Over here!
- You there?
- WOMAN 2: Me, too!
- And you in the back.
What if I only want a date?
I don't actually
have 50,000 to spend.
Well, I'm sure whatever
you do have can work.
It's all for charity, right?
I can afford surf and
turf and a bottle of wine.
We can make that happen.
Great.
MAN: Private
island, private jet.
- WOMAN: I'll do 50!
- MAN: Yes!
- Hmm?
- You are my hero.
Thank you. How can
I... Oh. Handle that.
Okay!
Yes. Yes!
Let's hear it. Now,
who's ready for a date
with the author?
One million dollars.
- Sold!
- Get offstage.
[screams]
[lock clicks]
Well, would you look at that.
It appears my
tawdry little event
has raised enough money to
save Heroic Hooves and more.
Well, I suppose when you appeal
to the lowest
common denominator.
Mandy, if you have an issue
with the way I do things,
you can leave, and take your
snotty suck-ups with you.
Although, it does look like
they're having a good time.
No offense to your acolytes,
but I think I will be
courting a different crowd
in the future, when I
start my own foundation.
Perfect. What's next,
a wet T-shirt contest?
I'll add it to the list.
I'll be choosing which
organizations to support,
and how to support them.
So while you're at
your next bruncheon
choking on a stale
muffin, remember,
I'll be changing the world.
Uh, wow, that was
quite the smackdown.
Look, I'm not saying
she didn't deserve it,
but still, ooh!
Oh, she deserved
much more than that.
I'm sorry if tonight ruined
your business with her family.
Nah, that's okay.
I knew exactly what I was
doing getting up there.
So what made you
change your mind?
I saw Mandy trying to
tear you down earlier.
You stood your ground,
like you always do when
you believe in something.
I should never have
doubted you about this.
I wasn't about to let her win.
And you heard me: this
is just the start.
[sighs heavily] All clear.
Thank you for racing back over.
It all happened so quickly.
How did someone even
get on the property?
Changing of the guard is
the most dangerous
time of the day.
I'm confused. I
thought you said
Lainie was in Pensacola.
Well, she is. I mean,
as far as we know.
But I will get to
the bottom of this.
You're in the public eye now.
Crazies come out
of the woodwork.
If you stay on, I promise
there will be no
more sneaking out.
I'm taking these
threats seriously now.
I'm sorry I've been difficult.
I never considered
the dark side of fame.
I'm not a movie star.
Though, yes, I
can look like one.
But really,
I just make clothes.
Well, when you're talented,
it doesn't matter what you do.
Somebody somewhere will
want what you have.
Trust me,
you're not the first
difficult client I've had.
So, uh, I don't know, which...
which Housewives
are we watching?
[both chuckle]
That was so much better than a
conversation with the author.
Especially now that you're
gonna have a best seller.
I love the optimism, but
you haven't read the book.
That's where you're
wrong. I did read it.
And it's really good.
Wait, you read it?
When-when did you read it?
Okay, only the
first few chapters.
I had a little time to kill in
my glam squad chair earlier.
And I don't want you to
take this the wrong way,
but I was a little worried.
I mean, it just seemed like
you were really struggling
with this one,
and you were being so secretive,
but after reading it...
I mean, wow, Liam,
it was amazing.
Where did you even
come up with the idea?
[chuckles]
A writer never tells.
Okay, I think that's a
magician, but whatever.
When this book lands on the
Times' Best Seller list,
you and I are going
to drink champagne
and curse your mother's name.
If you're okay with that.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm just, uh, I'm just shocked
that you liked it so
much. I mean, like,
I-I thought it was good.
I just didn't think
it was that good.
Would I spend a million
dollars on just any author?
Only the best.
[kissing]
BLAKE: Great.
Oh, great. Thank you
for the good news.
Did the samples pass?
Oh, no, that was my tailor.
My new suit is finally ready.
But yeah, I also
talked to my source.
The samples passed. There's
nothing to worry about.
[exhales sharply]
Thank you.
But the less we talk
about this, the better.
And you need to fix your
plant problem immediately.
This watchdog group has you
in their crosshairs now.
Huh. Now I know what it's like
to have you on my side
in a sticky situation.
Well, of course I
was on your side.
I'm your father.
FALLON: Big news, Sam.
Is this about the horses again?
Or your new foundation?
Or the network?
Liam turned in his
new book this morning.
Oh. That is big news.
And frankly, I would be shocked
if anyone had a single note.
Everyone gets notes.
Well, maybe Liam will get lucky
and get off scot-free.
Fingers crossed.
Ew, is there even
champagne in these mimosas?
I knew they looked
weird. Jeanette!
You turned it in?
Put yourself in my shoes.
Okay, yeah, sure,
it's easy to say
you'd do the right thing,
but trust me, when your
wife is looking in your eyes
and calling you a
genius, it's just as easy
to do the wrong thing.
Oh, she thinks you're a genius?
For turning in a book
you didn't write?
I did some edits.
I took a pass at a few chapters.
Oh, and by the way, I
saw you put the tuna melt
- back on the menu.
- Yes, I did.
But I didn't steal it.
I hired a new chef
and figured out a way
to make it my own.
Because that is a
solution I can live with.
Hope you can live with yours.
Glad to see you're
already drinking.
Maybe it'll take the sting
out of what I'm about to say.
I know you lied to me.
I know you put our partnership,
our company and our reputation
on the line.
Oh, Mother, don't
worry about it.
It's been handled.
Tell her, Father.
I got your company
out of trouble,
so you can thank me by leaving.
I am not worried, and
I am not thanking you.
I handled my own business.
Come in!
Mother, what did you do?
These agents are from the DEA.
When I did my own testing
and discovered you were
importing and using
an illegal drug,
I called the authorities.
I can't believe you'd do this.
We're partners.
No, we are definitely
not partners.
I couldn't trust you
not to turn on me again.
Frame me for murder
once, shame on me.
Frame me again?
[sighs] Father, wha...
You're gonna... You're
gonna fix this, right?
I'll do what I can, but
I can't promise anything.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.