Duncanville (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Free Range Children - full transcript

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

TV: I'm wearing
a ski jacket and skis.



Can you guess where I am?

- Burning Man!
- You know, you don't have to guess.

Easy, easy.
Engage your core, Jack.

Are you trying to get
in shape again? Give up!

We're seeing Bruce Springsteen

and the E Street Band tonight,
and I gotta be able

to hold your mother on my
shoulders for four hours.

Isn't that rude
to the people behind you

to be staring at Mom's butt
all night?

Rude? I think they're lucky,
'cause they get two shows.

- Aw...
- KIDS: Eew!

[kiss]
[phone chimes]

Oh, great, our sitter just canceled.

Her dad's shipping out
in the morning.



Why does that have to ruin
our evening?!

[water splashing]
Hmm.

Hey, Helen, do you wanna
babysit our kids?

I'll watch the cute one.
The girls can sleep in the yard.

I guess I should be relieved
she's so blatant about it.

- Ah, she's a hot ticket.
- What about that dog

down the street, the one
that almost saved his owner

from dying of a heart attack.

- 811 was so close.
- I hear it still haunts him.

[muffled barks]

But you left us alone
a few weeks ago,

and we did great
as far as you know.

Okay, we said we left you
alone, but we really didn't.

We were watching you
the entire time.

This urn with
my grandmother's ashes

- is actually a nanny cam.
- KIDS: Huh?!

Her ashes are actually
in that creepy doll

- we keep in the garage.
- No, it's right there.

How does that keep
getting in here?!

- You were spying on us?
- "Are" spying, honey. All the time.

I don't need a sitter.
I'm 15 years old.

- I'm a big, big boy.
- And I'm 12...

kids at school
have already hurt me in ways

a burglar never could.

KIDS: Please?!

I don't know.
If we went to that concert

and anything ever
happened to any of you,

I would never forgive myself.

On the other hand,
if we don't go

and I find out tomorrow
he played "Jungleland",

I will never forgive any of you.

[sighs]
Okay, Duncan.

You're in charge.
Kimberly, watch Duncan.

Jing, if anything goes wrong,
get the neighbor dog.

- He needs a win.
- One, two... hup!

- [thud]
- Oof!

- I'm at Burning Man!
- Ha. Pay up.

Bruuuuce!

This is great!
Now that the kids

are old enough to be responsible,

our lives are never
gonna be the same.

We could follow Bruce
all over the world

until he gets a restraining
order against us.

[singsong]
And he'll have to sign it!

Then we'll get to see him
in concert and in court!

[siren wailing]

- You don't suppose that's for our house...
- No! There are so many

other people's homes
that could be on fire.

Helen Diggins
probably fell asleep

with a cigarette
in her mouth again.

Yeah, she's a wreck.

Damn it.

Bruuuuce!

We were gone for 20 minutes!

Okay, we wanted pizza,
but I didn't know

if I should set the oven
to 200 or 300,

so I split the difference
and I set it to 500.

And in my defense,
the plastic wrapper looked

- a lot like shiny cheese.
- At least the sad doggie called 911.

[growling]

Why didn't you use
the fire extinguisher?

I did!

That's it.
Do your thing.

[boom]
Aah!

Why didn't you run
and get help from a neighbor?

And get murdered?
We barely know those people!

Do the words "stranger,
danger" mean nothing to you?

So you stayed in a burning house?

I had to make a tough
decision, and I stand by it.

[crunch]

What?
I didn't have any dinner!

Got a text from Hal.

Bruce played "Jungleland" twice.
I hate those kids.

It's our own fault
for leaving them alone.

They're just not ready.

I hate them too.

Good evening, Annie, Jack.

[deep sniff]

Mmm! Jasmine.

Why does it only bloom at night?

Bradley, it's 9 p.m.
Won't your mom be worried?

No. She believes
in "fwee wange parwenting."

You see, Jack,
helicopter parwenting

has made kids helpless
and fearful of the world.

Tie my shoe?

- No!
- But you just said...

And that is
"fwee wange parwenting."

- Whoa!
- Wow.

Duncan still can't do that.

He uses Velcro even though
the sound scares him.

Maybe we should give this
free range thingy a chance.

Come on, honey, the kids
made one deadly mistake.

We can't abandon
all our parenting beliefs

on the advice of a five-year-old.

[siren blaring]

Mom, Dad, I got
something to tell you,

but you gotta promise
not to be mad.

- I wouldn't make that promise.
- That does it!

- We're going fwee wange.
- Are you mocking me?

Okay, I looked up
free range parenting

in my Facebook moms group,
of which I am an administrator.

- ALL: We know.
- And it's the complete

opposite of
helicopter parenting.

Instead of us coddling you
and sheltering you

from the outside world, we're
gonna shove you out there

and let you fall on your face,

just the way our parents
did for us.

Didn't you get hit
by a bus when you were a kid?

And I learned to look both
ways before I cross.

Both ways before I cross.
Both ways before I cross.

- Honey, it's happening again.
- Both ways before I...

Good morning!

Free range parenting?
That sounds like another one

of your stupid "I wanna be
a better parent" things,

like the chore chart.
[chuckles]

Or when you tried to make us
a sugar-free household.

Come on, you spearmint
son of a bitch...

get in my mouth!

You're gonna be okay, honey.
You're just jonesing.

[gasps]

[clattering]

- Yah!
- A Skittle!

- You're holding out on us?
- Yes!

- Duncan!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry so bad!

- [doorbell rings]
- KIDS: Trick or treat?

Why did we start this today?

- Leave this place!
- [kids screaming]

Yeah, I still think we should have
given it a second day.

You're overreacting
to two fires in one day.

We can take care of ourselves.
[clatter]

Mom, milk's on fire.

[loud gulping]

It's very simple, Duncan.

Just walk up to the hostess
and say,

"Table for five, please."

How am I supposed to
remember all that?

[sighs]
[muttering] Table for five.

Table for five.
Table for five.

- Table for...
- Hello, welcome to Chapman's.

- Inside or patio?
- Huh?

She said all the cooks
are dead... we gotta go!

Okay, Kimberly, you try.

- Give us your phone.
- I can't talk to people

without something in my hand.

- At least give me a cigarette.
- If neither if you kids

are going to go up there,
then we are not gonna eat.

That's right.
We'll wait all night.

[background chatter]
[dishes clatter]

[stomach rumbles]

Daddy, your stomach's moving.

Come on, everyone.
We'll free range at the table.

Okay, kids, I know you're
used to us ordering for you,

but today you're gonna
order for yourselves.

- What?
- No!

You can do this.
When the server comes over,

you just look 'em in the eye

and clearly enunciate
what you'd like to eat.

Do we have to make the food too?

- [giggling]
- Zing!

- Hi, I'm Chad.
- Buckaroo Burger, Chad.

- Aah!
- Okay, that was terrifying. Duncan.

- [mumbling]
- I'm sorry?

[mumbling louder] Nuggets...
please!

- Louder...
- [mutters rapidly]

You know what? I'll have two
orders of chicken nuggets.

- No helping your brother.
- Ugh!

- Chicken nuggets.
- Oh! Chicken nuggets.

- Yeah, we don't have that.
- Ohh! Why am I even alive?

- Duncan, sit up straight.
- I wanna look at the gum

- under the table.
- No, you are going to pick something else to eat.

Come on, honey, he just
wants to look at the gum.

- Fine. Look at the gum.
- I need to use the bathroom.

Can one of you go check
and make sure there's not

- a stranger in there?
- You'll be fine.

A stranger is just a friend
you haven't met yet.

Just use your instincts
and size 'em up.

If they have a neck tattoo,

that means
they're probably cool.

Jack, that's only often true.
You can't go through life

thinking someone's
always trying to kill you

- or you'll never go poop!
- Mom, it's pee.

Sure it is, honey.
Sure, it is.

[dramatic music]
[sigh]

- [hinges squeak]
- [gasps]

[door opens]

[footsteps]
[ominous music]

Hello?

[singsong]
I'm very proud of you!

Mom, get out!
Hmm?

Aah!

Okay, look at me... tell me
what you're gonna do again.

Walk into the store,
buy a three-pack of Hanes,

count my change, don't apply
for a store credit card.

Excellent! And don't just
grab the first pair you see.

There's lots to choose from...
boxers,

briefs, boxer briefs,
jockey cut, quad shorts,

banana hammock,
banana hammock briefs...

Just tell me which one I like!

That's the beauty of this. You
get to ask a complete stranger,

and remember, if you don't
like the service you're getting,

ask to see a person in charge.

[chuckles]

Okay, that's it, yeah.
Pick the color you like.

Mmm, squeeze the package.
Yes, you big boy, yes!

'Scuse me, ma'am.
What are you doing?

Oh, me?
Oh, I'm just watching

that beautiful boy
buy underwear.

That's it... pay my bail.

Firm handshake, identify
which prisoner is yours.

Good job, Dunkie!

Movie's about to start.
See ya!

What? No!
I'm not seeing a movie alone!

I see movies alone all the time.

It's fun, 'cause you can
tell everyone

your favorite lines
with no context.

"Out of the way, Richie!"

[laughs]

If the projectionist sees me,
he'll think I just got dumped!

Relax, everyone knows
you don't have a boyfriend.

Are you alone?
Did you get dumped?

- Did you...?
- [groans]

So he runs through the rain

into the hospital room
where he kisses Jill...

with tongue...
only Jill's been dead for days!

Gross!
He kissed a dead girl?

It's called true love, Jing.

You'll understand
when you're grown up like me.

Well, I am proud of you, honey.

Jack, fire up the grill.

I'll go to the grocery store
and get some salad fixins.

We can go for you.

Did you hear that, Jack?
What's next...

Duncan tying his own shoes?

[both gasp]

Well, it feels like yesterday
that they were so worthless.

Do you really think
they're ready?

Only one way to find out.

- Bradley!
- They're weady!

[liquid bubbling]

I think everyone on the bus
was really impressed

with how grown up we are.

Yeah, that one guy
kept patting my back.

Hmm?
This lettuce is bad.

All lettuce is bad.

No, it's gone bad... we can't
bring this back to Mom.

Not after all she hasn't
done for us this week.

I bet they have fresh
lettuce in the back.

You're right.
Let's be responsible

and sneak into that restricted area.

[rustling]
Oof...

Kimberly, help!

[groaning]

[panting] That was like the
dry cleaning bag all over again!

All right!
Let's toss this salad!

You don't thump it, idiot.
You shake it.

I don't know what kind of
"Ocean's Eleven" kind of heist

you're trying to pull here,
but do not try

to pass this cabbage off as lettuce.

Will you at least admit
they look similar?

- I mean... yeah.
- Well, that's all I needed to hear.

[mechanism whirring]

[gasps]
[engine turns]

- Whoo...
- Ohh...

We've been driving forever.

Doesn't he need to pee
or buy speed?

Igh! The cabbage is too
thick to get a signal!

The guy at the phone kiosk
warned me about this.

I got this.
I'll eat our way out.

[crunch]
I'm full... kill me.

[sizzling]

[groans]
Daddy, I wanna be a grown-up

like Duncan and Kimberly.

- Can I grill for real?
- Sorry, honey,

but grilling is dangerous
and for grown-ups only.

- Owie!
- I'm sick of people

telling me I'm not a grown-up!

I wanna be able to burn meat
just like you.

But I love what you make
on your Baby BBQ.

Your baby baby-back ribs
are delicious!

This isn't real.
I've seen you take fake bites.

No, I really eat it.

Mmm! Chew, chew, chew,
num, num, num.

Swallow it.

[ominous music]

[growls]

♪

[door opens]

The kids have been gone
a long time, Jack.

Maybe you should
give them a call.

Me? I don't want them
to think I don't trust them.

You don't have their numbers
in your phone, do you?

I kept texting, "I love
you," and they blocked me.

- It didn't work.
- Did she at least

- say they look similar?
- I mean... yeah.

You did good.

[both gasp]

I've got a signal!

Now I can see how many texts
I missed from my friends.

Weird.

They must be inside
a cabbage truck too.

[beep]
[dial tone]

Mom, it's me, Duncan.
From the house.

Duncan, where are you? I
haven't been worried sick at all!

I don't know...
there's like one of those

Mexican Day of the Dead parades,

[bell chiming]
some Mexican churches.

What do you call
those Mexican wrestlers?

- Luchadores?
- Yeah, that sounds right.

You're in Mexico!

Madre de Dios!

[dramatic Spanish music]

You've gotta stop blaming yourself.

You are a good boy.

I hope you're happy, Bradley!

Our kids free ranged themselves
to Mexico because of you!

Do not listen to him.
He's a quack!

My methods are controversial.
Home, please.

[grunting]

[tires screeching]
[music]

We need three tickets
to Mexico... now!

No problem... I can get
you on the next flight.

- Yes!
- Which is...

- Thursday!
- Thursday?!

Our kids are lost in Mexico now!

Sorry, but Oakdale Airport
used to be

the exclusive hub for Delta Song
and when they went under,

we turned the tarmac
into part-time tennis courts.

- Hey, we reserved this space!
- My bad!

Excuse me, sir.

We're trying to find
our way home to Oakdale.

Sorry, I can't help you.

- [harp chords]
- And if you're not

getting good service,
ask for the man in charge.

I wanna speak to the man in charge.

You mean the guy
who runs this town?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

[heavy door clanks open]
[music]

- Let's go.
- We're gonna walk into

the house of someone
we don't know?

- [harp chords]
- You'll be fine.

A stranger is just a friend
you haven't met yet.

Come on!
Let's go talk to strangers.

Table for five, table for five.

[Spanish rap playing]

[bird squeals]
Nature is beautiful, is it not?

Let us get down to business.

These are guns. I thought
we were buying drugs.

Drugs are stopped
at the border.

Guns are welcome.

And the best part... the guns
are made of chocolate.

So when your transaction is done,

you have a fun little treat.

Mmm, mm, que rico, ooh!

- Russell Stover.
- Yes. Nothing but the best.

So, Don Rumaldo,
you have my money?

Excuse me... which one
of you is the manager?

- [both gasp]
- Oh, my God!

Everyone's looking at us.
This is so embarrassing!

Jack, get on social media
and make a big cyber to-do!

On it!
If anyone on Facebook

- knows how to use Twitter...
- Never mind!

[over PA] Rise up,
fellow outraged travelers.

You, in Hudson News, wondering
where the cashier is,

you, pulling a warm Dasani
from the fridge,

and you, people hovering
near the gate

even though
you're boarding group D...

All right, you two, an airport
is no place for angry people.

[click]

BOTH: You seduce the guard.
I'll make a run for it.

Hello, handsome.

- Whoa...
- Oh, easy!

[men grumbling]
[music]

- What do we do?
- Uh...

Just remember
what Mom and Dad told us.

Outta the way, Richie!

Banana hammock.
Banana hammock briefs.

How can we tell
if he's a good person

- or a bad person?
- Use our instincts.

Look... a neck tattoo.

- That means he's cool.
- Mom and Dad

would be so proud of us right now.

Good day.
My name is Duncan Harris.

And I'm Kimberly. I'm
comfortable seeing movies alone.

What are you doing?

People have died
for touching El Espantoso.

Don Rumaldo,
you can't go through life

thinking someone's
gonna kill you,

- or you'll never go poop.
- Mm!

You're as wise as you are brave,
and your handshake was firm.

I wish my idiot kids
had your poise and confidence.

Dad, stop talking
[mumbles] about me, please!

Ugh! I beg you to take my life.

I'm sorry... you've caught me
in the middle of a...

- business transaction.
- So what are you selling?

These chocolate guns?
[everyone gasps]

[triggers clicking]
You know what's good?

Put 'em in a freezer for a while.

It's a little trick
our grandma taught us.

Yes, yes, grandmas are great.

Don Rumaldo... my money.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Wait a minute... you're
just gonna let him go?

- Is there a problem?
- Well, you should always count your money,

like if you're buying underwear
or paying your mom's bail.

Hmm.

[beep]

[beep!]

Feed him to the gators.

No, please!
You're making a mistake!

Gracias. You have saved
me from a grievous error.

I have a dollar in my car!
[sobbing] Please!

That's okay... when you said,
"Feed him to the gators,"

what did you mean by that?

It's just a regional expression

- like how some people say Soda
- Aah!

- and some people say pop.
- Please, I beg you!

I know right where it is!

I get it, like,
"Outta the way, Richie!"

Ha ha.
[laughing] Yes, yes.

Richie... always in the way.

- So to show my gratitude...
- Aah!

- what can I do for you?
- We're trying to get home

- to our mom and dad.
- Wait... there it is!

On the floor!
I-it fell out!

Oh, that is nice.
Family is everything.

- Aah!
- I would be happy

- to fly you home on my private jet.
- Really? You'd do that?

Yes. I'm not made of stone.

Literally... just look down.
You're standing on it.

Aah!

[chomp]

Oh, hey, he was
screaming the truth!

- Wanna get a soda?
- I call it pop.

You can't arrest us
for loving our kids.

BOTH: The whole world is watching!

The whole world is watching!

All right, that's it.

We're putting you with the
lost luggage and dead pets.

Excuse me.
Hi. What's your name?

- Beth. Why?
- Hi, Beth, I'm Jing.

I'm sorry for my parents'
bad behavior.

If you could please let them go,

I promise they'll never
be naughty again.

Isn't that right?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yes, we'll be good.

Well, aren't you lucky to have
such a grown-up little girl?

Would you say
I'm old enough to grill?

- Of course!
- Aha!

- [click]
- Mm. Whoa! Look at that.

[rock music]

♪

- Hey!
- ♪ Hey, hey, whoa-oa-oa ♪

- Let's go!
- ♪ Hey, hey, whoa-oa ♪

- Our babies!
- Oh, Duncan looks so handsome!

Ah ha!
Oh, thank God you're home.

Wait till we tell you
what happened to us.

It is the craziest story ever.

El Espantoso?

I watched in "20/20"
about your prison escape!

Two days zipped inside
a soiled mattress.

- Disgustingly brilliant!
- You're too kind.

Before I go, I want to
tell you what amazing,

independent children you have.

Perhaps too independent.

Childhood is such a small
amount of one's life.

Don't rush it.

- Let them be kids.
- Hmm. You're right.

Duncan, Kimberly,
would you like to go back

to being helpless
and noncommunicative?

- [mumbles]
- Sure, whatever.

Thank you so much
for bringing them home.

I can't let you go back to Mexico

without giving you a hug.
Come here!

I would like to, but my feet
cannot touch U.S. soil.

Oh, come on, gimme a hug, you lug.

- Mm. Mm...
- Mm...

Come on, everybody.
Let's go home.

I watched an alligator
eat a man today.

And I tried cabbage.
[engine turns]

[sound of engine fading]

[gunshots]

Let's wave good-bye
to our new friend.

[squeaking]

Hey, he got a window seat.
Lucky!

He gave me a chocolate gun.

Ooh, let me try!
[crunching]

Wow! It's got a kick.
I'm gonna run home.

[panting]

- Jing, we should start a band!
- Hm...

Thanks for letting me
grill with you.

What do grown-ups talk about
while the meat cooks?

All kinds of stuff!

Power tools, crab grass,
boats we're never gonna buy,

all the girls from high school we...

- Uh-huh...
- Shook hands with.

Anything but our feelings, really.

- Grilling's the best!
- Hell, yeah, it is.

I think Mommy
had too much chocolate.

Jing, you wanna see me
do a cartwheel?

Say yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!
[squealing/grunting]

So, what kinda boat are
you thinking of not buying?