Duncanville (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Judge Annie - full transcript

Annie gets her own public access court show after a confrontation with a rich resident who forced the Harrises from their favorite swimming spot.

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Okay, gang,
forget about the heat wave.

- Summer starts now!
- Ew, gross.



It looks like a Vegas pool but
smells like an Orlando pool.

I'm not getting in there.

I heard a kid
once sat on a drain,

and it sucked the guts
out of his butt.

There's no room, Jack.

There's plenty of room.
Watch.

- Oh!
- Aah!

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.
Could you unhand my penis?

- I am so sorry.
- Is that yours? I thought it was mine.

No problem.

So you'll...
you'll let it go now?

I'm dying.
The AC is blowing warm air!

By that logic, then
the heater should blow cold.



Oh, God!
That's hot!

Dad, we're begging you.

Take us somewhere
where we can cool down.

Jack, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

That guy had to know
it wasn't his penis.

No.

Oh, yeah.
Hang on, kids!

Jack, we were going
the right way!

Whoop.
Hang on again, kids!

Oh, my God!

Here we are.

The woods?
They're gonna kill us.

Kick!

Nobody's killing anyone.

Now march into those woods
single file.

Wah, wah!

What is it, hon?
Rattlesnakes?

I don't have reception.
There's rattlesnakes?

What the hell is this?

Paradise, Eden, Valhalla.

We called it "The Hole."

Every kid in town
used to come here.

Even the ugly ones.
All were welcome.

We'd ride our bikes here
every day

and splash around
without a care in the world.

Swimming, laughing,
skinny dipping.

Do you have any stories
that don't end with you naked?

- No good ones.
- The Hole was a magical place.

Time stood still, and summer
seemed to never end.

So why did you stop coming?

The new mall opened up,
and they had

air conditioning
and a Sbarro.

It was the first time
any of us had had

truly horrible Italian food.

Come on.

Last one in is the Harris
to embarrass!

- Right behind you!
- Oh! Oh ho ho!

Ow!

Still got it!

I don't know how to swim!

I'm not doing this.

Why didn't they
just murder us?

- What is that?
- It's hideous!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, dear God.

♪ Ooh, we on vacation ♪

Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-
aah-aah-ooo!

Yeah!

- Yay!
- Whoo!

You know, I usually hate
hanging out with you guys,

but I didn't think about
running away once today.

This might be the snake venom
in me talking,

but I think this
was a perfect day.

Don't forget, Jack.

We have to leave an offering
for the Squirrel Man.

Squirrel Man?

Legend has it that
he watches over the woods

and protects the swimming hole,

so we always leave him
something to say thanks.

Like leaving cookies for Santa?

No, nothing like that, Jing.

Now, let's sorta put out
this fire and hit the road.

Yeah, that'll do.

♪ And Bingo
was his name-o ♪

♪ Bingo was his name-o ♪

Can we get a dog?

Ooh, great idea.

Let's go to the pet store
right no...

Uh-oh.
Jack.

Parking violator.

- Turn around!
- Whoa!

Mom, you're off duty.

I'm never off duty,
and you knew that

when you signed on
to be my daughter.

- Duncan, cover me!
- Pump, pump.

Don't ticket that car.

You're parked across
three handicap spaces.

I can explain. I'm a dick.

Dick or no dick,
you broke the law.

Sorry, there's two things
I don't pay:

Parking tickets
and child support.

Nope!

Too slow!

I'm over here now!

- Missed again!
- I've got a shot, Dad.

Stand down, Duncan.

This is what she spent eight
years at the academy for.

Hey, look. It's the mother of
your children with an attorney.

- Oh, crap. Which one?
- Take the shot.

Aah!

You've been super served.

Ugh. Oh.

Contested?

I'm used to death threats,
but contesting my ticket?

That's just sick.

Remember, honey,
you're on public access TV,

so play to the cameras.

Okay, let's get started.

What am I gonna do?

Judge Jeremiah's
getting clobbered

in the public access ratings
by a live feed of the dump.

Go back!

My boyfriend will kill me if
I watch the dump without him.

First case, Annie Harris
versus Neil LaDouche.

Okay, sweetie.
What did you hit?

Wha... I didn't hit anything.
I'm parking enforcement.

This able-bodied wisenheimer

parked in three
handicap spaces.

I disagree, Your Honor.

Well, I don't know who to believe.

Case dismissed.

- Don't you bang that gavel.
- Okay.

You will not dismiss me or this case.

You know, I am sick and tired
of rich people

not having to follow

the same rules
as the rest of us.

Justice should be served
equally to everyone,

like free booze at a wedding.

Am I right?

And justice should be swift,

not sitting under a heat lamp
for two hours

waiting for the bridal party
to finish taking pictures

while we starve.

Yeah!

Who is that?

My idiot constituents
love her.

- Her name is A...
- Shut up, I'm watching.

So in conclusion, Your Honor,

tell Mr. LaDouche he is not
above the law,

he needs to pay that fine,

and that destination weddings
are a burden.

That is what
the honeymoon's for.

Yeah, mommy!

He paid the fine ten minutes ago.

He's in the parking lot
doing doughnuts.

Ha ha!

Take that, sky!

Annie, how would you like to
be a low-paid part-time judge

on public access television?

A TV judge?
What do you think, Jack?

I don't know.
You'd be working two jobs,

we have kids, you keep saying
we're gonna watch "The Wire."

Jack, shut it. Hey.

What if we made you
a TV bailiff?

Good?

Then I'd say, Judge Annie
will return after this.

So we're not getting a dog?

All rise and shine

for the new star of Oakland
Public Access, the honorable...

Judge Mommy!

I hereby call
this breakfast to order.

I'm loving the robe, honey.

It leaves everything
to the imagination.

I don't get it, Mom.
How can you be a judge?

Don't you have to, like,
go to college

and have a red, old face?

Nope.
All you gotta do is a take

a 45-minute online course.
It's easy.

- I want to be a judge.
- It's not that easy, Jing.

Are you gonna be dealing
with any troubled youth

who only know how to express
their feelings by fighting?

Sorry.
I only cover small stuff

like traffic violations,
property disputes,

and if I'm lucky,
seizure of a speedboat.

Cool.

I sentence you
to 20 years in prison,

and to give
my son that speedboat.

Cool boat, Duncan.
Want to catch some bad guys?

You know it.

Read chapter seven
about the Louisiana Purchase!

- All right!
- Slap.

- Where'd everyone go?
- They left while your eyes

were glazed over and you were
high-fiving the air.

Crap.
The heat wave's back.

I call the cool row of tiles!

- Ahh.
- I'm the oldest.

The cool tiles
are my birthright.

Wait.

What are we doing on the floor?
We've got The Hole.

Let's roll.

Okay, first case on the docket.
It says here, Hal,

that you sold Mr. Mitch
a defective ladder.

Mr. Mitch,
talk to me.

Well, I bought it
for the school to secure

the ceiling tiles
that keep falling

on the students' heads.

But then the ladder broke

and I fell
on the students' heads.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll
ever regain their trust.

Hal, it sounds to me
like the ladder was defective.

Well, actually,
he was just using it wrong.

You see, you need to put
one foot on each...

Is this a courtroom,

or a mansplaining convention?

She's funny.

Mr. Mitch,
you can go back to Hal's store

and pick any ladder you want.

Hal, learn to shut it.
Ya guilty.

- What's mansplaining?
- This feels like a trap.

This is it. The Hole.

Wolf,
where's your bathing suit?

Almost forgot.
Okay, ready.

Why didn't you tell me
Wolf was jacked?

This place is beautiful.

It reminds me of "Avatar,"
I think.

- Wait, what was "Avatar" about, again?
- I don't know.

It's so unspoiled and pure.

I should start a hotel here.

Oh, my God. Check this out.

A jet ski!

This is gonna define
our childhood!

Keep kicking, buddy.
You're doing great.

You got me?
Have you still got me?

- Have you all still got me?
- Yes.

I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.

On your mark,
get set, chicken fight!

- Duncan, will you put sunscreen on my back?
- With pleazh.

Wait. That wasn't me.
I make trumpet farts.

See?

Oh, why'd I do that?

Oh, great Squirrel Man,

we honor you
with these humble offerings.

Okay, what do you got?

- Shotgun shell.
- Vegan ham.

My parents' garage door clicker.

- Wet Frito crumbs.
- He will be pleased.

You say your neighbor's dog
is barking all night,

but the only one I hear
yapping is you!

Cone him, Jack-O.

She's a hit!
Have some champagne with me.

But I'm three years sober.

That sounds like a "you" problem.

Another divorce?

You're off again,
you're on again.

You're off again,
you're on again.

Are you a couple,

or are you
a friggin' light switch?

Ya guilty.

Ya guilty.

Look at us, sitting in the "rich
guys with mistresses" section.

They even gave me fresh crayons.

Mm. Royal blue.

Oh, this is crazy.

I'm on the cover of both
public access trade mags.

Everyone's staring
because my tan looks so good.

Judge Annie,
I'm such a big fan.

- Can I have a selfie?
- Sure, why not?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're in the middle

of a comped family dinner.

But you can buy this official
Judge Annie T-shirt.

- Um, can I have one without the back?
- You got it.

Today, I'm gonna swim in that
cave and look for smugglers.

I'ma go scope out
the beach on the other side,

- start my own Fyre Festival.
- What?

I thought The Hole
was for everyone.

- So we can't come here anymore?
- Like hell.

Apparently not.

Okay, fence, it's on.

Go, go, go!

What are you punks doing?

Trespassing.
Come on.

Oh, crap.

Hello!

Let's get ready to justice!

Papa Mom's Pizza
proudly presents

- Judge Annie "Ya Guilty" Harris!
- Yeah!

And introducing the plaintiff
with a net worth

he always keeps
at 69 million dollars,

Neil LaDouche.

And the defendants,
Duncan and Kimberly...

- I love those names.
- Aww.

- Harris?
- What?

Kids, what are you doing here?

We tried to use
the swimming hole,

but this jerk
says that he owns it,

and he charged us
with attempted trespassing.

I thought The Hole
was on public land.

- Yeah. No one owns The Hole.
- Actually, I do.

I bought all
the public land in town

so my ex couldn't have a picnic
with her new boyfriend.

So it's my right
and white privilege

to develop the property,
and starting tomorrow,

I plan to break ground
on a brand-new go-kart track.

For adults only.

- Boo!
- That's bogus.

Mom, I mean, Your Highness,

The Hole means so much to us,

just like it did
to you and Dad.

Wolf learned to swim there.
I did a sick backflip.

- It was tight.
- And when we're old,

we'll think about The Hole
and be happy and cry,

like Grandpa does when he sees
an American flag.

This land has meant so much

to the kids of Oakdale
ever since we stole it

from its indigenous
inhabitants.

It has been sitting there
unused for many years.

I got to swim in it.
My kids now swim in it.

And future generations
should swim in it, too.

My wife, hero of the people.

- However...
Uh-oh.

Mr. LaDouche does own it,

so the court reluctantly rules

in favor of LaDouche's
Adult Go-Kart World.

Sorry, my beloved children.

- Ya guilty.
- Mom!

- What?
- Sorry, kids.

The law is the law.

I really hate to do this, but I need
you to look into the camera and say,

"Papa Mom's,
that's-a spicy justice."

"Papa Mom's,
that's-a spicy justice."

Okay, now one in Spanish.

You guys have hardly touched
your personal party pizzas.

You love Papa Mom's,

- official sponsor of me.
- Why bother?

As soon as we enjoy it, you'll
just give it to a rich guy.

How could you do that to us?

That was the wrongest thing

that's ever happened
in a courtroom.

I don't know what you did, Mommy,

but it sounds irredeemable.

Oh, guess what.
I learned a new word today.

I feel terrible, kids,
but my hands were tied.

I have to uphold the law.

When I finished
that online course,

- I clicked "agree" on a sacred oath.
- That does it.

I'm getting you fired by finding
your old offensive tweets.

"Cumberbatch is a treasure."

"At Dane Cook, ha!"

"At Delta,
why is my luggage wet?"

- These suck.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, President of Delta
Glen Hauenstein

slid into my DMs
with a personal apology,

and now we're Twitter buddies.

Kids, get out here.

I have something better
than a swimming hole!

The box says
only one person at a time,

but I'm sure
that's just for safety.

Whoa!

Oh! Summer starts...

Oh!

Ow! It's a baby,
so it doesn't know

when to stop producing venom!

You know what, Jing?
Your father and I

have been so busy
dispensing justice,

we totally forgot
about getting that dog.

Oh, yeah.
You're right.

As soon as we're done here,
we're going straight to the...

Listen up.
We got a standoff in progress.

We're taking Judge Annie
on the road.

Follow me.

I was this close to a puggle.

Why am I blindfolded?

Annie, it's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.

Yeah... oh, sorry.
I can say that better.

Ready?
Three, two, one.

It's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.

Oh, that's awful.
Go with the first one.

The Hole?
What are we doing here?

Annie, we're creating
public access ratings gold.

This is gonna be bigger
than the time

that zoning commissioner
jumped off the bridge.

- It's perfect.
- What's the case?

- That small business owner...
- LaDouche.

Versus a gang
of radicalized teens.

Duncan, Kimberly, other kids,

what the hell are you doing?

We are skinny-dipping for justice.

If he wants to drain this lake,
he's legally a perv.

Yeah. He'll have to register
as a sex offender,

just like
the zoning commissioner did.

Jack, our kids are involved
in a naked rebellion.

This is terrible.

Where should
I set up the merch?

Oh, and can you say
"Ya guilpy"?

- I got a bunch of misprinted T-shirts.
- Kids, get out of there.

You're breaking the law,

and you ate
less than an hour ago.

Sorry, Mom. This story
ends with us being naked.

I will prune for my core beliefs.

Yeah, your boy will always
drop draws for the right cause.

You know what?
Put that on a shirt.

I have my jeans on
because I have body issues,

but I share their outrage.

I will not be intimidated
by middle-class children.

God created this paradise

for me to race
my adult friends in go-karts.

You flip that switch,
ya gonna regret it.

Oh, Annie.

You know the justice system
better than anyone.

Rich people
never suffer consequences.

Perv, perv!

Perv, perv, perv!

Perv, perv, perv.

Okay, ya boy is not sure
this is the right cause.

I hate my shoulders so much.

Stop.
They're nice.

I came here to do a job,
and I'm doing it.

That's right.
They're different sizes.

Make your ruling fast,
Judge Annie.

We don't have the budget
to pixelate.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Silence!

The Squirrel Man.
He is real.

How's it going?
Thanks for coming.

'Sup.

I've lived here for 50 years,

peacefully watching
teenagers skinny-dip

with my squirrel wife,
and eating

the treats left for me,
much like Santa Claus

enjoying his cookies.

I never thought I'd see a day

that this peaceful place
would see such conflict.

If I've learned
one thing from my solitude,

- it's that the meaning of life is...
- 50 years?

Well, that means you have
squatter's rights.

Are you saying
that old weirdo owns this land?

Yes, under the laws
of adverse possession,

which means he gets to decide
what the land is used for.

What's it gonna be,
Squirrel Man?

I say, my big, beautiful toilet stays!

Sorry, LaDouche, but ya guilpy.

Guilpy, guilpy, guilpy!

T-shirts!
Who wants a T-shirt?

Can we all have
an extra, extra large?

- Thanks, Mom! We love you!
- Copy that, kids.

You took on the system
and won, Duncan.

Hey, I'm gonna get out now,
'cause that guy poops in here.

Yeah.
He's wise, but he's gross.

And so the children
had a wonderful summer,

and I watched
every moment of it.

Not sexually.
What's your deal?

I thought you were cool.

Oh, and Annie's
no longer a judge.

Good night.

The plaintiff is suing her parents

for reneging
on promise of dog.

All right, who's gonna lie to me first?

- Well, Your Honor...
- Wells are for drinking water.

Your Honor,
we never actually said...

Zip it.
Jing, did your parents

tell you that they were
gonna get you a dog?

Yes. It felt like a verbal contract.

Byrd, bring me a box of puppies.

Take as many as you want,
sweetie.

Oh!
I'll take all of them.

But Judge Judy,
the discussion was for one.

Oh, so there was a discussion.

Damn it. She's good.

You're a liar, and you're guilpy.

The court rules
in favor of Jing.

- Hey, Judge Judy, want to fight crime?
- Hell yeah!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

- I love you, Jing.
- I love you, too... oh, wait. Is this a dream?

I thought the speedboat
gave it away.