Duncanville (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

The Devil's Ass.

No man has successfully
free soloed it.

Ah! Tell my wife I love her.

Until now.

The mistake everyone made
before me was training.

That's why I didn't.

Hey, Duncan. I'm Alex Honnold,

star of the Academy
Award-winning film "Free Solo."

- I'm kind of busy.
- Oh, sorry.

I just wanted to say
that you're the best ever

- and give you my Oscar.
- About time.



Nice to meet you...

I did it! Take that, God!

Bow before your maker.

Wonder Woman?
What are you doing here?

You made me appear.

You have a sexual thought
every seven seconds.

- Whoa, that sounds like a lot.
- It is.

That's why I'm gonna
make you a man, Duncan.

Nice.

I'm gonna
make you a man, Duncan.

Dad, what are you doing?

Your father's gonna
make you a man.

No!

By teaching you to drive,
you lucky duck.



Driving is
every teenage boy's dream.

- Ugh, not mine.
- Get out of my room.

Where were you?

- It doesn't matter.
- Make me a man, hurry.

Duncan, you've had your
learner's permit for a month

and you haven't touched the car.

I don't need to drive.

Drones deliver whatever I want,

and self-driving cars are
the future.

Driving is old-fashioned
and boring, like baseball.

- Baseball is awesome.
- It's a metaphor for life.

Metaphors are boring,
like baseball.

We stand at the plate
of opportunity...

Swinging for the fences

of success...
Up, I've been Roomba'd.

Your father was trying
to have a moment with you.

- All right, I'll go driving.
- God.

Good boy. I love you, mwah.

Hey.

- I'm an orphan.
- Let me have this.

Aww.

Good luck driving, Duncan.

You're the handsomest brother
in the world,

and someday, I will marry you.

I've told you
a thousand times, Jing,

we can't get...

I can't wait
until we're married too.

Say good luck
to your brother, Kimberly.

- Good luck.
- Don't forget to text and drive.

Okay, quiet, everybody.

I'm documenting this moment
for Facebook, and I got

to say something profound.
You ready, honey?

Okay, hang on,
I have it on photo...

Slow-mo, square,

pano, video,

slow-mo again. Okay, action.

Son, it seems like yesterday,
I was pushing you in a stroller

and... Here they come.

- Are you crying?
- Sorry, Dunker,

but the day you teach your kid
to drive

is one of the great moments
in a father's life.

And unlike my dad,

it's not gonna end
with me beating you,

and then taking you to Wendy's,
and then beating you again.

- I love you, son.
- I love you too, Dad.

That's it. There you go...

Hey! We're gonna die!

- Oh, my God.
- Slow down.

- Speed up.
- Make up your mind.

- A family of ducks.
- Aww.

- The Pope!
- What is he doing here?

Mommy, want to see me
do a cartwheel?

- Say yes.
- Sorry, honey.

Mommy needs to drop you
at school and get to work.

The good people of this town
are paying me

- to ticket their cars.
- I'll go fast.

Oh...

- That's great, honey.
- Okay, let's...

Now back. Oh...

Just get her a phone already.

Please stop driving!

How can I learn
with you freaking out?

Why can't you be chill
like that Sully dude?

He landed a plane on the ocean

without screaming like an idiot.

Well, maybe Sully should be
your father.

I wish he was.

Want me to braid your hair, Dad?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay.

Two bottles
in my mouth sideways.

Huh-uh.

Tah-dah... Ow!

Why do I crave attention?

This is near beer.

It's the beer
pregnant chicks drink.

It was all I could grab
in the store.

The guy was shooting at me.

Why does everybody make
such a big deal out of driving?

It's not like this boring town
has any fun places to go.

You need to chill, Dunk,

and your boy has just the thing.

The company sent me a free samp.

Why are people
always sending you cool stuff?

All I get are Groupons
for cemetery plots.

It is all
about your Twitter game.

I follow businesses,
talk up their products,

and then they hook me up.

I wrote Twizzlers are woke,
and bam.

Whoa, Twizzlers.

Ah, that'd be Papa Mom's.

Free pizza,
compliments of Papa Mom's.

Bon appétit.

Duncan? It's me, Mia.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, my parents made me

get a job to save money
for college,

but then I found out Papa Mom's
supports anti-LGBTQ causes,

so I'm taking the company down
from the inside

by sticking my finger
in every pie.

I didn't do yours, though.
Actually, I did.

It's right there.
You could just eat around it.

So, I saw you driving
with your dad.

No, I think you look cool

- behind the wheel.
- Hmm?

I can't wait to drive.

By the time I'm done riding
my bike to protests,

I am too tired to march.

- Dial it down, dude.
- I got this.

Who knows.

Maybe someday, you'll be able
to give me a ride somewhere.

Ah!

Wuh-pah! Smash!

I've come to ask for your
daughter's hand in marriage.

Well, that sounds wonder...

Why?

He was going to say yes.

I couldn't take that chance.

You're so cool. Feel me up.

With pleazh.

Boner alert. ALL:

- Don't just stand there.
- Introduce me.

And the masked singer is...

You two are glad
I'm your father, right?

Dad.

They're about to unmask
a celebrity we don't know.

Kyle Bornheimer!

Still upset about Duncan?

Here, clean your records.
It always cheers you up.

- Yup.
- I love "Dust in the Wind,"

but hate dust
in my Kansas albums.

There's the simple man
I married.

I need to learn to drive now.

- It's all I ever wanted.
- My beautiful boy...

Not you. You.

Ow!

No!

So why the sudden interest
in driving?

Are you like me?

Fed up with all those doping
scandals in the biking world?

- I don't know.
- I just figured I could probably

be a better son,
you know, and help you and Dad.

You know, let me drive Grandma
to her stretching class,

and let me go get that protein
yogurt that helps you poop.

Dunkie, I think the word
"awesome" gets thrown around

too much these days,
but that's what you are.

Awesome.

Aw, hey, Duncan.

You learning how to drive
to impress Mia?

Yeah, that Mia was banging.

- Mia's hot.
- You were right to have a boner.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Harris.

New yoga pants? Nice.

Wait a minute.

Do you have a thing
for a girl named Mia?

What? No.

Dunkie, 96% of bad choices
made by teens happen in a car,

so I'm going to make sure
you don't ruin your life

by doing a little role play.

- God no.
- God yes.

You be you,
and I'll be this Mia girl.

Oh, no, I had too much to drink

and I'm not capable
of giving verbal consent.

And one of my shirt buttons
may not hold, so...

No, gross. Stop, ugh.

- What do you do, Duncan?
- What do you do?

- Go for it?
- No.

You treat her with respect.

- Okay.
- Good, now let's drive.

Check your side mirror,
check your rearview mirror,

check the back seat
for murderers.

Fine, I'll go.

Good luck, Duncan.

Bye-bye.

Oh, that's the house

where the guy had a python
that swallowed him whole.

Driving with you is fun, Mom.

It's not like dad.

I don't want to die
with this rift between us.

Like Springsteen, I had
a complicated relationship

with my father, and
I don't want that for you...

- Oh, your father means well.
- He's just emotional,

probably because he only has
one testicle.

- Hmm?
- Take a left up here.

Duncan!

- You almost hit Ol' Oakie.
- It's just a stupid tree.

- A stupid tree?
- It's the beloved symbol

of our town, and where
we hung all those witches.

We aren't proud,
but we are safe.

- Sorry, Mom.
- That's okay.

You know what, Dunkie?
I think you're ready

to be designated driver
for my book club.

Why would a book club need
a designated driver?

Self. I touch myself.

Has anybody ever told you

you look like
a young James Patterson?

Because you do.

Helen has been going through
some stuff since the divorce,

so do not be alone with her.

Salisbury steak and pizza
on the same day?

Can I take one home
to my grandma?

It's her birthday.

- One entrée per student.
- You know the rule, Bex.

- Aw, don't be a dick, Justin.
- You just graduated last year.

Plate me, Justin.

Mr. Mitch.

Why aren't you eating
in the faculty lounge?

I like the food out here better.

I know it's just tomato sauce
on an English muffin,

but cafeteria pizza is dope.

Mr. Mitch, Jimmy's choking.

Damn.

Jimmy, stop choking.

Free stuff.

Your boy just copped all-access
passes to the EDM Fest tonight.

Bombas Socks is trying
to crash the youth market,

so they hooked me up 'cause
I favorited their new mid-calf.

- Oh.
- The perfect height.

You're going to EDM Fest?

I've always wanted to go to one.

Ow, what? Oh.

You want to come with us?
Remember when you told me

I looked cool behind the wheel?
I could do that again.

Okay, see you tonight. Thanks.

Boner alert.

I don't have one.

- I know.
- Made you look at your junk.

Aw, yeah.

And you don't even have
to talk to my friends.

In fact, it's better
if you don't.

I just need a grown-up to make
it legal for me to drive.

- An electronic music festival?
- I don't think so.

I saw this "20/20" once about
club kids, and they took molly,

and they carved each other up
in bathtubs.

- Hmm, whoa.
- Sorry, Dunkie.

You're so overprotective.

You always think I'm going
to get hacked to death

or wind up in the middle
of a human centipede.

That's the worst spot.

Mia would rather
go face-to-butt than kiss you.

Face-to-butt, face-to-butt,
face-to-butt, face-to-butt.

- Oh, thank you, Kimberly.
- Hmm.

Oh, I know.

Why don't you stay home with us
and watch "The Boss Baby?"

Boss Baby. Boss Baby.

I got it from the Redbox.

It's about this baby
who is a boss.

And he's got a little briefcase,

and a stapler,
the whole shebang.

He even wears a...

A little suit.

Leave it to Hollywood.

Oh.

He runs so weird.

This sucks.
I can't take Mia to the show.

Just take your parents' car

after they get drunk,
argue, and pass out.

My parents don't do that.

They just watch TV
and fall asleep.

- I get it.
- You're better than me.

Even if I took their car,

we'd still need an adult
for me to legally drive.

An adult?

I know where to get
one of those.

Yeah, who's the man?

Bex is the man.

Bexman.

- You know I'm a girl, right?
- I have freaking boobs.

Okay, I'll put the car
in neutral,

and you and Wolf push it out
to the street.

- Where the hell is Wolf?
- You weren't kidding.

They turned on the TV
and went right to sleep.

Quit watching my parents.

Got our adult.

- Your grandma?
- Don't worry.

She's had all her medications.
She's basically asleep.

She's great. Let's go.

Someone scratch my waddle.

No, my waddle!

Don't ask.

Grandma, we'll be back
in seven hours.

Want me to crack a window?

No, I'm gonna hotbox myself.

- Damn.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is awesome.

- Mm-hmm.
- Aw, bury me in this.

DJ S'More.

I love that you dance
like you don't care

what anybody thinks
of your dancing.

Thanks.

The doctor says there's
something wrong with my spine.

My later years
are gonna be a struggle.

Duncan, rip the robe off.

- I can't.
- I'll lose the deposit.

Save yourself.

- Okay.
- Hmm?

Oh, crap.

This area is for certified
pyrotechnic specialists only.

- I'm one of those.
- Okay, help yourself.

Got to push it.

Sorry.

I didn't think this is
how the night was gonna end.

Me either.

It's even better.

That was the greatest night
of my life.

I was naked so much.

- I had a great time.
- Thanks, Duncan.

Hmm?

- Go for it, kid.
- I'll take the wheel.

Look out.

- I didn't wet myself.
- Glow stick broke.

Better see if the car's okay.

Yup, car's okay.

So, Dunkie,
you still mad at us

for not letting you go
to your electric music tadoo?

Nah, you know
what's best for me,

and I'm just lucky
to have you in my life

and keep me from making wrong
decisions which I'd never do.

- So what'd you do last night?
- Sit in your room and cry?

"Mia, I'm sorry I'm so ugly

and have pimples on my back."

You have pimples too.

- Oh, my God, Mom.
- That is so mean.

Shh, breaking news.

Oh, that kid loves
her breaking news.

Tragedy in Oakdale last night

as Ol' Oakie,
the town's beloved oak tree,

was the victim
of a brutal hit and run.

- Not Ol' Oakie.
- We carved our names in him

in high school. Remember, Jack?

And I proposed to you
under that tree.

And my dad said, "He'll
never amount to anything,"

- under that tree.
- He did?

The happiest moments of
our lives were under that tree.

Why did you just gulp, Duncan?

I didn't gulp.

You made a gulp in your throat.

I saw it. It went gulp.

Like this.

I didn't gulp.

Hmm.

Get him, Mom.

- Glitter in your hair.
- VIP wristband.

Glow stick residue?

- That doesn't prove anything.
- Nothing proves anything.

You went
to that concert last night.

And there's sap on the bumper.

Oak tree sap.

You killed Ol' Oakie.

- All right, all right.
- I took the car.

But it was something I wanted,
and you said no.

What was I supposed to do?
Respect your boundaries?

Kimberly, get me
my yelling stool.

Gladly.

After everything
I've done for you,

this is how you repay me?

I stopped smoking halfway
through my pregnancy for you.

You were my first.
I tried the hardest with you.

And I just posted
what a great kid you are.

Now I'm the only idiot
on Facebook.

Sorry, Dad. I didn't know.

Well, if you'd friend me,
maybe you would.

I'll friend you, Dad.

Not from my real account,
of course.

I'll take it.

I can't believe
I used to love you.

Ugh.

Hey, Mom.

I cleaned my room,

and I sent that thank-you note
to Grandma for the mittens.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Dad, I was watching
Springsteen on Broadway,

and you're right.

The stripped-down version
of "Born in the USA"

is like
a much more powerful indictment

of our misguided involvement
in Vietnam.

Right?

- Don't fall for it, Jack.
- Yup, yup, yup, yup.

Mom, I finally read that
article that you emailed me

on the dangers of energy drinks.

I had no idea
that hearts could burst.

Neither did I,
but here we are.

I've never seen them this mad.

They're giving me a total
"10th Avenue Freeze Out."

Dude, stop watching
Springsteen on Broadway.

Whenever I disappoint
my grandma,

I just wait ten minutes,
and then she forgets.

I'm worried.

You're going to have to do
whatever it takes to restore

their faith in you, Duncan.
There's no quick fix.

Quick fix. That's it.

I just need a big way
to apologize for sneaking out.

I know. Can you sneak out?

Yeah, sure.

It's the Babadook.

Jack, that was five years ago.

- You saw the movie.
- He's ageless.

- Parking enforcement.
- Prepare to die.

What the? What?

- Duncan?
- Oh, hey, Mrs. Harris.

New robe? Nice.

Hmm.

I know how much this tree
meant to you,

and I'm sorry that I killed it.
So I saved you the best part.

Aww.

I'm falling in love with you
all over again.

Can you, like,
just forgive me now?

Of course.

I never stopped loving you.
That was your mom.

You are the greatest son
any mother could ever hope for.

Cicada swarm!

Ugh, sorry.

I didn't think
they'd be swarming

for at least another week.

Oh, Dunkie, I'm sorry that
I didn't ride shotgun with you

to your music shebang.

And I'm sorry I freaked out
on you driving.

I swore I'd never be a lame dad.

I mean, that's the whole point
of this ponytail.

Tell you what.

You can drive your girlfriend,
Mia, wherever you want.

Girlfriend?

Oh, you don't think
I'm your girlfriend, do you?

What? No way.

- I really like you, Duncan.
- Of course.

- But I am nobody's property.
- I never thought otherwise.

So don't even dream
of crushing on me.

- Dreams are stupid.
- However,

if I ever did decide I wanted
someone crushing on me,

- it could be someone like you.
- Huh?

Girls are complicated,
eh, Duncan?

You got that right, Sully.

Let's get out of here. Hop on.

Is this really happening?

No, that edible your friend
gave you has killer flashbacks.

You're high as hell, Duncan.

Now hold onto my mustache.
We're going to Mars.

Nice.

Is our house the circus?

How much longer do we have
to live in the car?

Just until the cicadas
stop mating.

Who wants eggs
with their pancakes?

Ooh, me.

Oh, I forgot them in the house.

No problem. I'll get them.

Mm, I don't really want eggs.

- Yaah!
- Welcome to the world of Duncanville.