Due South (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 10 - Starman - full transcript
'Have I Told You Lately That I Love You'
Performed by Willie Nelson
Have I told you lately... that I love you?
Could I tell you once again somehow?
Have I told you how with all
my heart and soul I need you?
Audrey,
Have I told you lately that I love you?
What?
Because I do...
and a woman as precious as you
as gentle as you should be...
cherished and nurtured.
Treated like a hot house flower,
protected and preserved
in the delicate warmth...
of her own...
humidity.
What?
Humidity!
Oh, I'll turn on the fan.
Because when you love a woman,
I mean when you really love a woman,
that's what you do,
because that's what you should do.
So will you?
Will I what?
Will you marry me?
Huh... I...
Till death do us part!
Ian, I ...
Audrey!
No!
The signal!
No, no, I need more time.
Passenger 220, Andromeda.
They're here?
Who's here?
Get the hell out of here!
I have got to go, I can't explain.
No, wait, what do you mean?
I'm sorry I ...
No, no, take me, I'm the dominant species!
Ian!
Argh!
Ian!
Ian!
So, I have your word.
Yes.
And you promise.
I said I promise.
Very good.
Let's say you had helped someone...
and then you swore you would
never help them ever again.
This is a hypothetical question, right?
All right, Ray, sure.
Okay.
OK, well, let's say this
hypothetical person...
had not been entirely honest with you,
well, as a matter of fact he ...
all right, he was a pathological
liar but he had helped you...
and in so doing he had not
helped you, so to speak.
Do you mind telling me which one of
your friends we are talking about here?
Well, I thought we'd agreed this
was a hypothetical situation...
Oh, that bad, huh?
Unfortunately.
Now, do you think you could find it
in your heart to help him again?
Well, what specifically did
this friend of yours do ...
Ours.
Ours.
Yes.
OK, what specifically did this
hypothetical friend of ours do...
that it was so bad and I
would never help him again?
Well, Let's just say he
ruined your vacation,
then he caused you to be
attacked by Canadian mobsters...
which in turn forced you to
shoot and explode your car...
until it was a seething fire ball, hyp..
hypothetically.
No... no, no, no.
There's no room?
No!
Amazing friend you've got, Fraser,
I mean how many guys would run
a marathon around the world...
to raise money for an orphanage in China.
Two hundred fifty thousand miles
(250,000) his feet bleeding,
[his] heart fit to burst,
just to buy some poor little
Chinese kids a big screen TV.
And ...
...a Dumbo video.
You've got to love a guy who loves Dumbo.
Ian,
Ian McDonald.
Don't tell me this man is
here because if he is...
I'm gonna have to take my
gun out and shoot myself.
Hi guys, ... am I glad to see you!
On second thoughts I'm gonna shoot him.
Ray, Ray, Please, you promised.
That was hypothetically.
He needs help.
No.
Ray, it will take 10 seconds...
and a person's life may depend upon it.
Look, Ray...
just because someone
feels compelled to lie,
it doesn't mean there isn't a grain
of truth in there somewhere...
and I'm... fairly certain that
he did intent to go to China.
Two seconds.
All right, thank you.
Ian, tell him.
My fianc?e has been abducted by aliens.
Argh!
Right, right, right!
Argh!
Fine, don't believe me then.
I don't.
I'm telling the truth.
Truth? You don't even know
how to spell the word!
T.R.U.T.H.
Do I need to remind you what happened...
the last time we went for
a ride with this clown?
We were in a bar room shoot out,
there was mud up to here and we
were in a massive car chase...
and then he stole my car.
Borrowed it.
And he did return it.
Yes, just in enough time for me to
blow it up to save his sorry butt.
Now, you should have let me strangle him.
It wouldn't have worked, the aliens put
a protective force field around me.
Ray, wait, we should at least hear him out.
Why, what good will it do?
He'll only tell us a bunch of lies...
and you'll believe him and
the next thing you know...
we're gonna be driving around
in circles dodging bullets.
See that would never have
happened if you'd let me drive.
Oh, shut up!
You know Ray, every piece of
the puzzle that doesn't fit,
it just gets us closer to finding
that piece of the puzzle which does.
Well, thank you grasshopper but I
have other business to attend to.
You!
You're late, the suspect's heart
beat is probably way to high...
by now this thing's useless.
Go and get me a bucket of ice,
a wet towel and three jars of tomato juice.
I'll make this man talk if
it's the last thing I do...
Go man go... there's no time to lose.
Where's my suspect?
He confessed.
I sent his file to the state's
attorney and put him in holding.
You impersonated a cop?
You certainly weren't
doing a very good job.
Come on, all right, that's it.
Fraser.
This guy?s got some serious problems.
He's probably skipped bail
and is here illegally.
I'm gonna arrest him.
Ray, come on.
All right, at the very least ...
At the very least we put him
on a bus back to Winnipeg,
notify immigration and
we do everyone a favor,
he's talking aliens for God's sakes.
Well, I agree he exaggerates...
but there may be some truth
to what he's saying.
Let's take the cut on his
forehead for example.
Oh, he slipped in the bathroom.
I'm not so sure.
The presence of minute paint particles
along with the traces of wood.
In the cut, the abrasion.
Wood?
Cheap particle board would be my
guess and judging from the angle...
he made contact with a low
lying piece of furniture...
...perhaps a dresser.
All right, so he tripped in the bedroom.
Well, that is possible...
that would be an assumption...
which is not altogether different
from his exaggeration...
if you follow what I am saying...
and if we don't investigate...
...we will never be certain.
Of course, we will.
Never judge a book by its cover, Ray.
Never judge a book by its cover?
Nobody says that anymore, Fraser.
My grandmother did.
Oh, I knew she was behind this.
Behind what?
Oh, never mind.
Never mind what?
That your grandmother's behind this.
You make no sense, Ray.
I'm ready, ... I'm ready.
This guy's a moron.
You won?t regret this, Ray.
I already am.
OK, I'm gonna give you my lunch hour.
You got 60 minutes of my time to
waste and that's it. Now let's go.
You haven't interrogated me yet.
Don't push your luck...
just unhook yourself from
that machine and let?s go.
Err Ray, we're all set up here, shall we?
Ahem!
All right, ... please state your name.
My name's Ian McDonald.
And what do you do for a living in?
I operate a touring
business out of Ontario.
We take Canadians through the United
States on sightseeing tours...
which is actually where I met Audrey,
The minute I saw her it was magic,
like summer lightning.
I knew, I knew the minute I saw
here that this was the woman...
that I was gonna spent the
rest of my life with.
Yes, I'm sure she was,
but before Detective Vecchio
changes his mind ....
You should have seen the look on
her face when I gave her the ring,
it was my mother's,
the minute it slipped on her finger...
her eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas.
You want to get to the point, please?
She has blue eyes just like my mother.
And out of the blue... she was abducted.
Yes,
there was a bright light
I couldn't see a thing:
we were on the way to the wedding.
We'd stopped off for coffee.
Audrey's father the Dodge of Venice had
flown in from Switzerland for the ceremony.
The guest's strictly A list, Strictly.
Frank, Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart.
Look, this is useless, all right.
This guy couldn't tell the truth
if his life depended on it.
Bogart's been dead for twenty years.
Frank Bogart, his younger brother.
People are many mentalists.
Ah, look, just give me a blunt object
I'm gonna put him out of his misery.
Oh, yeah, try it...
my father in law gave
me diplomatic immunity.
This is very interesting, Ray.
What?
Well, it would appear
that there was a girl.
Ha, see.
Shut up!
And although she may not have
been abducted by aliens...
according to this she was abducted.
Of course, I suppose we
could choose to ignore it.
No.
Let's call the FBI.
I can't wait to see the expression...
on Agent Ford's face when he
gets a load of this wacko.
Yes, you're right, he won't take
the wacko seriously either.
Although ...
Ahem...
he might find this interesting.
Oh,
it's a Bee Sting, the Eraptor Bogart...
killer bees, hundreds of them.
Oh, thousands, I'm sure.
I think the stinger's still in there.
It appears to be infected.
Great Scott turtles...
Turtles?
Argh, Police Brutality!
I have removed it.
I see.
I expected better of you, sir.
Sit down.
I'm calling the Hague.
Shall we.
As a political prisoner...
I demand that you people guarantee my
safety under the Geneva convention.
So, what was with the turtles?
Well, there were no turtles, Ray.
Well, I know there were no turtles.
What were you doin'?
Oh, I was simply trying to distract
him so I could remove... this.
A needle.
So, what is he on drugs?
Oh, I didn't see any signs...
consistent with prolonged
drug use aka 'track marks'...
and Ian hardly seems the
type to need help...
to escape from reality but...
perhaps we should ask him.
So he can tell us that it's a immunization
shot for the honeymoon with the Dodge.
I don't think so.
Well, in that case, Ray, we will have to
ask whoever it is that put this there.
All right, You only got 60 minutes.
Why only sixty?
Because that's my lunch hour.
Understood.
OK and under no circumstances is that
little liar gonna set foot in my car.
All right, we'll take my car.
You have a car?!
Yes, I have a car.
Well, what do you think?
It's on loan from N.A.S.A.
They were having a financial
difficulty with the...
space shuttle program and
we?re having a fire sale.
Well, it's very roomy.
Do you mind?
There's a draft, it's
very bad for the lumbago.
No, not at all.
Excuse me.
These are your 'A' list clients?
Hey,
just because a person is old doesn't
mean they can't have an open mind...
and a desire to explore the unknown.
Besides with compound interest...
a person's net worth by the age
of 65 is a remarkable thing.
GREY POWER...
You both remember that!
Who needs Myrtle Beach when you can
have the opportunity of a life time.
We took one look at this brochure
and said to ourselves...
if we walk to the market
instead of taking a taxi.
Eat a little less on
Friday, buy whole sale,
we could have this.
Why sit at home watching Donahue...
and hear about someone else's sightings...
when you have a chance to get of
the couch and see it for yourself.
May I?
Oh, certainly.
Thank you.
A close encounter... is
guaranteed in every brochure.
There are all kinds of close encounter.
So, it would appear.
See base 24 home of hanger 57...
the US Governments top secret
UFO intelligence operation,
tour the base, meet the aliens, take
a ride on a real flying saucer.
You're actually charging money for this?
With a money back guarantee.
It's a line of bull.
The best part is the sky watch.
Hundreds of spaceships from every
galaxy gather around in an...
interplanetary display of precision flying.
Norman flew in the war.
Now dear.
And our son's a pilot.
Ahh, It's been a long
time since I've seen him.
Well, he's probably busy.
I miss him.
What a nice doggy.
Well, he's a wolf actually...
and he's on a diet.
That's enough.
Nice piece of fried chicken, Mr. Glasma?
It gives me heartburn.
I told you, you should have made boiled.
Rump roast, honey?
Allergic.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
If you look to your left. You'll
notice we're passing through Jackson.
In 1983 I myself personally
witnessed a spaceship...
suck the milk out of an
entire herd of cows.
Moo.
Rosewell, Illinois
Population 1,280
Constellation Motel
Okay gang, we meet at the mission room
for a briefing at 15 hundred hours.
That's 3 o'clock for those of
you not yet on space time.
Such a nice boy.
I love his dog!
Space time? ... Several travelers.
Yeah, UFOs, ... hundreds... thousands...
of them they all come here,
this is like the Woodstock
of psychic fairs.
This place is famous. The Constellation.
This is where Mick stays when
'nostalgia' traveling...
and where Mohammed Ali
and George Foreman...
had their secret meeting before the fight.
But listen, you didn't
hear it from me, Okay?
And this is the course where I met Audrey.
This is where you and Audrey had 'coffee'?
Hey, that's my Fianc?e
you're talking about, pal.
Oh, forgive me.
Got it.
It was terrible and when the aliens
ripped her out of my arms...
I fought like a wild man but what
are you gonna say to a space man...
when he's got a laser nerve
destructor pointing at your head?
Beam me up?
Hey listen pal, I've had
enough of you, all right?
Why don't you just keep
your sarcasm to yourself...
and your mind on your job?
I'm talking about the woman I love her.
OK.
All right, now look,
it's a real disaster area in
there so just keep your cool...
I want to preserve the
integrity of the crime scene.
Come on.
We've found him but he's not alone.
Continue surveillance,
don't let them out of your sight.
Right here,
I'm telling you. There was blood
everywhere, the walls the ceilings,
rivers of it.
Ah, you know Ian, ordinarily I am inclined
to believe you but even if this room...
had been scoured clean there should
have been a crack in the finish...
and the particle board would
have soaked up traces of blood.
This dresser as obviously
has been replaced.
Excuse me, that could be evidence.
Hopeless.
Yeah, get me a taxi.
Chicago, Chicago!
I know it's 60 miles.
I know it's a long trip.
Yes, I have money.
Tomorrow?
Kicked in?
Right off it's hinges,
they must have used their
anti-gravity boots.
Yeah, they took the yellow pages too.
The dresser's been replaced, the door
jam has been repaired and painted.
I'm not listening because
every time I listen,
he says something stupid
and you back him up.
And the aliens took my stuff.
Like my stereo, the closet full of Versace.
Hey, you'd think these higher life forms...
would have a more developed
sense of ethics.
Maybe they were bad aliens.
Excuse me, sir...
Excuse me. Could you perhaps
tell me if you saw...
anyone going into room
6 within the last ...
15 and a half hours.
Fifteen and a half hours.
Yep.
Ah, could you possibly describe them to me?
Yep.
Do you think you could
describe them to me now?
Wait a minute, ... wait a minute,
let me guess...
CIA, right?
No.
Royal Canadian Mounted police,
Constable Benton Fraser.
Bob.
Where's your horse?
Well, I...I don't have one.
I have a wolf if that will help you any?
You ride him?
No, he's deaf.
Two guys...
pulled up in a Ford
Explorer around... ah...
6am, I guess...
I was waiting for the primer to dry and...
went to get a cup of coffee,
couldn't have been gone ooh 20 minutes.
Came back those fellas were
gone nothing missing...
why make a fuss?
Finally, a reasonable explanation.
Are you the owner?
No.
Are you the caretaker?
No.
What do you do?
I build ships.
When that baby's finished
she'll be an exact replica.
An exact replica of...[what]?
The one in my basement.
Ah, ah... thank you kindly.
I'm so glad we asked.
What are you guys doin'?...
that guy is a material witness...
put him in protective custody.
Okay, two aliens in a Ford Bronco:
Simple explanation.
They are exerting mind control
over the Ford Motor Company...
and using them to cover their tracks.
How do I get out of this town?
Left at the corner.
Well, I don't have a car.
Then you have a problem.
Haha, You have no idea.
Is there a car rental agency?
Apollo 13 rentals...
How about a bus?
Last one went through an hour ago.
Does the space shuttle
fly over any time soon?
Ask Bob.
I'd rather gouge my eyes
out with a dull spoon.
No, no, it's just an expression.
Mind control over the Ford Motor Company...
what's the matter with you?
You know, Ray, on the surface
it does appear to be slightly ...
Look Fraser, we are talking to a
man who lies with the skill...
equal only to used car
sales men and presidents.
Thank you.
Ray, if you ignore the
facts, you ignore the truth.
Now the fact is we have a witness...
that can co-operate that there
was strange activity...
in Ian's room this morning.
Yeah and I bet if you asked him
who killed Kennedy...
and where Jimmy Hoffa is then
he'd probably tell us...
that little green men
in his basement did it.
No, that was the mob.
All right, now look, if you can
get one truth to come out of...
his mouth I'll stay but
that's the best I can do.
Fair enough.
All right.
Now what about food, can you manage that?
Try the bar.
Thank you kindly.
OK, you guys got however long it
takes me to chomp down a burger.
You guys are gonna love this place.
It's four star,
they have the best pickled
pork in the Tri State area.
Friends of yours?
Security.
Ah, actually Ian I believe that the Tri
State area consists of New Jersey,
New York and Connecticut.
Well, they come from there...
Ian...
...and everywhere else to here.
Yeah?
Your group is waiting.
Oh! Okay, could you hold them on the bus...
and just give them some of those
maps to the aliens' homes?
Thanks a lot.
Isn't she great?
Uh huh!
Well, ... this is it.
This is where Audrey and I
had our engagement party.
It was quite a shindig I can tell you.
Is there anyone you
recognize from last night?
You know, it's hard to say... Ah...
all I could see is Audrey.
Well, there probably were
other witnesses, Ian.
Yeah, well, maybe we should
ask the space lady here.
She might nose something.
Excuse me, do you have anything
other than the Skywatch burger?
You're not from around here, are you?
Not unless there are aliens who look
like second generation immigrants.
Hey,
I recognize you, you were
behind the bar last night.
Yeah and the night before
that and the one before that.
I haven't seen you here before.
No Ma'am, I'm from the
North West Territories.
Now is it possible that if my friend
recognizes you from last night...
that you might also recognize
him from last night?
Why don't you ask him?
Well, that's a long story.
Yeah, sure, he was here last night.
What?
Well, the Space Lady was just saying ...
I heard, OK?
Yes, he was sat right there, actually.
You were here with... ah...
Audrey McKenna, right?
Yes, Audrey, Audrey McKenna.
Yeah, you had a beer and
she had two cosmopolitans.
Audrey never has more than one.
It must have been a good night!
What you actually saw this man
with the woman he says...
he was with and she was
actually being nice to him?
He's a quick one!
Well, ordinarily yes.
Ah,... can you tell us where we
could find this Audrey McKenna?
She's not a townie,
she doesn't talk much about
herself or her work...
which probably means she works at the base.
She works at the base,
Audrey works at the base?
This fact never came up?
I've given you my lunch hour.
I've come all the way out here...
to Nutsville USA to check out
your cock-a-miamy story...
and canvas suspected aliens...
only to have the Space Lady here
tell me that Audrey McKenna...
may or may not work at a base of
which you know nothing about?
I knew everything I needed
to know about her, Okay?
Like what?
Like the important stuff.
The who she was inside.
I didn't have to ask her a
bunch of stupid questions.
I took one look at her
and I knew who she was,
in here.
I always have.
God that's beautiful.
Thanks.
How long you know her?
I don't know, I came in here
last night about 10 o'clock...
and she came in about 10:30.
You met her last night?
It only takes a moment...
My mother used to say that.
I thought it was Barbra Streisand.
Oh, you know my mother?
Hey, her next album's gonna be a killer.
All right, that's it.
Come on, I'm going home.
No, no, please, I made a promise.
Yeah and she said yes and
you gave her a ring...
and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas,
...and you all lived happily ever after.
No,
I made a promise to my mother.
She gave me that ring before she died...
and told me to give it to the one
woman I truly loved and care for.
I told her I would give
it to the one woman...
I would be faithful to for
the rest of my life...
not like my father.
Please, you've gotta help me.
I have to find her.
We should go to the base with him.
The US army base.
Yes.
Fraser, the army does not like civilians
snooping around their back yards, okay...
they kind of respond with ordinance.
No problem.
We'll show them the pass
I got from desert storm.
Excuse me Ma'am, could you
direct us to the base?
Yeah, you make a left up the
road it's about five miles.
Thank you.
He made a promise, Ray...
to his mother.
These were the last words, she heard.
Okay,
I'll give you an extension.
Till when?
Till I change my mind.
Fair enough.
Thank you kindly.
1984.
10pm, Tuesday.
A little red blip...
appears in the radar screen at the
Illinois Weather Tracking Station.
At first the radar technician
thinks nothing of it,
he thinks that it's an air craft,
but when that little red blip
breaks up into four other blips...
and flies off in separate directions...
he knows something is amiss.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I now ask you to
close your eyes and imagine yourselves...
back in that radar station.
Why am I already regretting this?
I can't imagine.
We don't even know what she looks like.
Engagement photos.
These're from a dollar photo booth.
Well, Of course they are.
After what happened with her
brother and Princess Di,
Audrey's family didn't want the pictures
falling into the hands of the tabloids.
By the time NORAD received
the mystery signal...
hundreds of fighter
pilots had been deployed.
10:15
Sam Norbutts farm.
Lights of red, green and blue descend...
and encircle his barn.
Hundreds of telephone calls...
swarm the Everstow Police Department.
Our men in blue spray into action.
Squad cars are scattered
all over the city...
responding to reported sightings ...
sightings of unidentified flying objects.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
to your immediate right...
I present to you the site...
of the first reported
landing of alien spaceship;
Right there beyond the trees.
How does it feel to belong
to the same gene pool?
What do you mean, Ray?
He's bilking them.
Well, they seem happy enough.
Hey, when does the real
estate scam kick in?
These people are from the
Sunset Retirement home,
Okay.
Some of these people haven't been
out of their bath robes in 7 years,
right, Murray?
8.
Angina.
Warning,
no trespassing...
beyond this point
photography is prohibited.
Oh my, you are a risk taker!
Oh, I love a man that lives on the edge.
Shut up.
There it is, I can read the sign.
Restricted area :
no entry,
use of deadly force authorized!
Oh, this is so exciting.
All right, let me handle this.
Hello?
State your business.
Hi, how are you today?
State-your-business.
Is that Brad?
Brad 'the bad' Wilson?
Hey, hey, it's me Ian McDonald,
2nd battalion Sports Guard.
How're you doin'?
This is not Brad Wilson and if you do
not clearly state your business...
we will enforce military law.
Oh!
Well, I'm here to pick up my
fianc?e Audrey... Audrey McKenna.
We do not have anyone
of that name here, sir.
That's kind of weird I mean...
she told me to meet her right
here by the front gate.
Just... Just tell her I'm here.
Sir, you will proceed no further...
and you will turn that
vehicle around immediately.
Ian, I don't think that's probably what ...
Ian, stop the van.
Security breach at gate 2,
security breach at gate 2.
Ian, stop the damn van.
I'm doing it!
We got company.
All those inside the bus exit
with you hands above your heads.
You are all under arrest.
OK boys, no need to panic
hold your friendly fire.
All right, everyone stay
calm, just do what they say.
Yeah and you keep talking!
Any luck they'll shoot him!
Good afternoon, my name is
Constable Benton Fraser...
Ah... this is my wolf Diefenbaker. May I?
and now introducing from the left ...
Understood.
This is a maximum-security military base...
what part of 'don't move'
didn't you understand?
Brad... you've changed man,
we were simply five. [5 good friends]
Compadres we swore we'd go down together.
Excuse me, could you please shoot him?
Back in the line.
If I may explain:
this gentleman's fianc?e ...
Audrey McKenna.
Yes, she either is or once was
an employee at this base...
and we were wondering
if perhaps you could...
shed some light on a rather
sudden disappearance.
Yes, ... take us to your leader.
Take these,
leave two men with the others.
Have you seen my son?
He's a pilot, you know.
No, Ma'am.
Aliens?
Ha, ha, ha...
Well, Mr. McDonald...
if your fianc?e has indeed been captured
by creatures from outer space...
I'm afraid I can provide
you with little comfort.
This base is military, pure and simple,
notwithstanding your ah... brochure.
Ha, ha, ha...
Ha, ha, ha...
Well, you can laugh if you want...
but that's a very high-quality program...
and what about Audrey,
does she work here or not?
Well, she's your fianc?e...
I would think you would know, huh?
Lieutenant!
There is no Audrey McKenna on
the personnel roster, sir...
I've checked the computer back 10 years.
What a shock.
Sorry, we can't help you detective.
No problem Colonel, sorry
for the intrusion.
Is it possible that...
you... might recognize this woman...
perhaps by a different name?
I'm afraid we still can't help you.
She's very beautiful though,
you two make a very happy couple.
I err... hope you find her.
Oh, really?
Then why don't you just tell
me where she is then, huh?
Thank you, Colonel.
Can you believe him?
Come on.
No, wait a second, don't
you people see a cover up.
Ohh, you tell me aliens are
just gonna fall out of...
... the sky... and ...
Thank you kindly.
... US army is just gonna
let them snatch people away.
Let's go, come on...
and worth things lost.
You don't want to get arrested.
No, wait a second.
Continue surveillance, sir?
Yes.
Keep an eye on them until they leave town.
Give me the lab.
They know her...
or at least they know who she is.
Junior officer, I noticed that,
his eyes right...
just before he talked about
Audrey he looked away.
He didn't even look at the picture.
And what about the colonel,
colonel didn't even blink.
Not once.
Yeah, bet he's in on it too.
I think so yes.
So how do you know?
Sweat?
No.
Shallow breathing?
N. O.
Dilated pupils?
Not that I noticed.
So what then?
His table top.
Ahh, His table top.
Yes, his table top.
His table top.
His table top, Ray.
Audrey McKenna's file was on his table top.
What?
That was Audrey... in the red parka.
I just saw her get into that Bronco.
Oh, come on...
Right, what was I thinking.
Mission, the rockets on the loose again...
Get in.
The Colonel wants to see you.
I demand you take me to
the colonel?s office...
when my grandfather Admiral Nimmits
finds out about this, HOHO.
You people are in some serious trouble.
You guys do not want to
mess with the man who...
beamed up their battle ship
I'll tell you right now.
Audrey!
Get your hands off me.
You're not Audr..!
Wha.. what have you done to Audrey?
Gentlemen, I thought we'd
covered this ground.
Do you know this man?
No, sir.
Have you ever seen him before today?
No, sir.
Your friend here seems to think that
Specialist Johnson is this person Audrey.
In fact, he chased her half
way across the base...
endangering himself and
members of my command.
No, if you don't mind...
my assistant and I have
reports to get back to.
And Gentlemen,
if I catch you or your
friend here on the base...
no matter how good the reason...
I'll arrest you,
call your superior officers...
and make sure that traffic duty is...
all either of you ever see
for a very, very long time.
Do I make myself plain?
Very plain, sir.
Come on, Ian.
I saw her... It... it's true.
Gentlemen!
Yes, sir.
Why! You guys don't believe anything.
You've put this project in jeopardy...
I can not allow that.
Watch the sky Norman...
do you think that's them?
Where?
That little twinkling light.
It's shaped like a flying saucer.
Oh, don't be silly, Edna,
saucers were just made up.
No, it'll look like... like the shuttle...
you know a plane with rocket boosters.
You think so?
Oh, yes.
Our son flies planes.
Not any more, dear...
Ah,... he died in the war.
That's what they said.
but I think he's up there with them.
What do you think Mr. Gleams?
I think this chair is killing me!
Oh, it's mine.
I know it.
No, no, no, no, stay where you are.
It's a star...
I mean you'd think when people
get to a certain age...
they'd stop kidding themselves.
Look who's talking,
like the pot calling the kettle black.
Your story's nothing but full of malarkey.
Hey, my story is not malarkey.
Your Story's full of malarkey...
you know it and I know it and he knows it.
Ray!
Audrey McKenna's file was
on the desk in that base...
and yet no one seems willing to
admit that she was even anyway...
connected to it. Don't you find
that even vaguely curious?
That woman was not kidnapped
by aliens and by anybody else.
She is on that base, she doesn't
want to be found, specially by him.
You're wrong about that my friend.
I am not wrong and I am
not your friend, OK.
This whole thing is a
figment of you imagination.
No, man.
No. She made a big mistake...
and when she realizes it she's
gonna come running back to me.
All right, that's it, that's it.
Time to make a call, pal.
Well, you don't think she's
crying her eyes out right now?
Not unless she's cutting onions!
Your harsh man, you're really harsh.
Ray!
Look, sooner or later he's gotta [going
to have to] face the facts, all right.
Now, look kid, you're not the first
guy to be taken to the cleaners.
What Ray is trying to say is ...
What Ray is trying to say is...
a girl sees a guy in a bar namely you.
She's got maybe half an hour to kill.
Now your not the best
looking guy in the joint...
but compared to the
locals you're Brad Pitt.
She bats her eyelids,
she gets you into bed and after
your fifteen minutes are up...
she takes your ring on the way
out the door as a souvenir.
It happens. We've both been there.
We all know the drill.
Yeah,
yeah, I...I forgot about the drill.
Well, that...that really,
really seems to have helped, Ray.
Yeah, great, great.
Go ahead, you too, go,
leave me here to look for aliens.
No such thing.
They're gonna miss the skywatch.
Such a good eater.
Do you like dogs?
Fur,
gives me hives.
Son?
That's it then.
He's right,
I'm an idiot.
I know a girl for 5 minutes and all
of a sudden I want to marry her...
and then I give her my
mother's ring, just like that.
So you're packing it in,
you're gonna leave?
35 years she wore that ring and she did not
take it off of finger once,
until the day she died...
and I gave it away for nothing.
How do you know it was for nothing?
Because she told me, OK?
Oh, she did... when?
In the bar?
She told me.
When,
while she was being abducted by aliens?
She told me when ...
When Ian? When did she tell you?
You see she didn't tell you anything.
Now I would imagine that you're...
that you're afraid to find out...
but your alternative is that you
live the rest of your life...
wondering.
Now we will find Audrey...
and when we do you can
ask her for yourself.
OK, That's good, that's enough.
I wanna,
I have something for you...
just hang on...
Dude, would you stay here?
don't peak,
close your eyes, close your eyes,
don't peak.
All right.
No, no, Ian, that's not what I meant!
Oh, great!
WARNING - Restricted Area
Use of Deadly Force Authorized
Secure Area
OK, we've got something coming up here,
this could be it.
'See the Light' Performed
by Jeff Healey Band
Can you see the light,
Can you see the light of
need shinin' in my eye?
Stop the truck!
Can you see the light,
- Can you see the light of need shinin' in my eye?
Pull over.
Well, you know I need you baby,
And I sure ain't gonna tell you no lie
Can you see the light,
Can you see the light of
want shinin' on my face?
- Pull over and stop.
Can you see the light,
- Can you see the light of want shinin' on my face? hey.
Stop the truck.
Ah, Ian!
Pull over.
I think right now might
be quite a good time...
Stop!
Look!
Gerry! sorry, I can't chat,
nice to see you.
Excuse me, have you seen a...
Oh, Thank you.
Let's hope it's not
another weather balloon.
No, this looks like the real thing.
We've got contact,
let's get ready people.
Yes.
7 miles and closing.
Tracking craft out to boundary markers.
You'll have to speak to the Colonel, sir,
He's 5'10, one sixty-five...
all I ask is you let me shoot him first.
Come on guys, we don't have to do this.
You'll have to speak to the Colonel.
I know, I know, the Colonel.
Five and closing.
Where's the Colonel?
On his way.
Four and closing.
Secure the doors
Securing doors.
Audrey!
I want the ring back.
You know him?
Tracking craft in position.
It was my mother's ring.
I made a promise.
Two and closing.
I want it back.
Well, I asked her I want a straight answer.
Gentlemen,
in aggregate these charges...
normally carry penalties
of upwards of 30 years.
Providing we strike intent
to sedition from the list.
A charge that typically involves
electricity in concentrations...
which I assure you, you do not
want to experience first-hand.
Now you have been spared the
full wait of these penalties...
thanks to the intervention
of the city of Chicago...
and the Government of Canada.
Both of whom have requested leniency...
claiming ah...
diminished mental capacity.
No in the light of the manifest
truth of these claims...
we have no choice but to
process and release you.
Thank you, Colonel.
You're welcome.
And now...
Mr. McDonald,
on a more...
private note...
If I so much as catch
sight of you within...
five miles of this United
States Military installation...
I will personally shoot you
right between the eyes...
with the largest caliber weapon...
we are currently developing
in our research labs,
is that understood?
Boy oh boy...
when Billy Carter appointed my uncle to
the head of the joint heads of staff...
that is exactly the kind of threatening
behavior he was trying to root out.
Ian!
God damn, that makes me mad.
Ian!
Audrey!
Ian.
It's you!
Yeah.
Why did you...?
I had to go to work.
In the middle of a marriage proposal?
Ian, something very important
happened here tonight...
something I have been
working on for a long time.
What?
It's not something I want to talk about.
You mean that,
you mean that they came,
they actually came?
Well, that's the funny thing
about the truth, isn't it?
I mean,
You can look at a cloud from
one angle and see err...
a camel...
but you can look at the same
cloud from a different angle...
and you see a...
Barbecue...
but no matter how you look
at it it's still a cloud.
Until it rains and then...
...it's gone.
Yeah, I think I understand that.
So that's the way it's gonna be, huh?
Me and the kids waiting,
dinner on the table cold,
family always the last priority.
None of us, none of us ever knowing
when you're gonna tell the truth.
That's the way it's gonna be?
Do you want your ring back?
No.
I kept my promise,
you keep that.
You know,
when we met...
It was like magic,
like summer lightning...
you took one look at me and
you knew right away...
I was the one man you were gonna
spend the rest of your life with.
No.
I thought you were cute.
You see for me it takes
more than 42 minutes.
Maybe if we had 43?
I'm gonna be at the constellation later.
If somebody, say some guy
wanted to buy me a...
Cosmopolitan I probably wouldn't say no.
I'll be there.
Then I'll probably see you.
Yes!
Colonel's orders.
Thanks for all your help guys.
Hey, if you guys could
you lend me some money...
What's in it for me?
Well, you can have the bus.
What bus, it's been confiscated.
So, we'll steal it back.
Ian!
Perhaps we could recover it, Ray.
Well, I ain't driving back in that bus.
Fraser ...
I'd rather hitch hike.
And risk arrest?
You've already been arrested.
Shut up.
Ray!
And you,
next time you ask me a
hypothetical question.
Yes.
The answer?s: no.
That makes no sense, Ray,
hypothetically.
Good bye son.
Performed by Willie Nelson
Have I told you lately... that I love you?
Could I tell you once again somehow?
Have I told you how with all
my heart and soul I need you?
Audrey,
Have I told you lately that I love you?
What?
Because I do...
and a woman as precious as you
as gentle as you should be...
cherished and nurtured.
Treated like a hot house flower,
protected and preserved
in the delicate warmth...
of her own...
humidity.
What?
Humidity!
Oh, I'll turn on the fan.
Because when you love a woman,
I mean when you really love a woman,
that's what you do,
because that's what you should do.
So will you?
Will I what?
Will you marry me?
Huh... I...
Till death do us part!
Ian, I ...
Audrey!
No!
The signal!
No, no, I need more time.
Passenger 220, Andromeda.
They're here?
Who's here?
Get the hell out of here!
I have got to go, I can't explain.
No, wait, what do you mean?
I'm sorry I ...
No, no, take me, I'm the dominant species!
Ian!
Argh!
Ian!
Ian!
So, I have your word.
Yes.
And you promise.
I said I promise.
Very good.
Let's say you had helped someone...
and then you swore you would
never help them ever again.
This is a hypothetical question, right?
All right, Ray, sure.
Okay.
OK, well, let's say this
hypothetical person...
had not been entirely honest with you,
well, as a matter of fact he ...
all right, he was a pathological
liar but he had helped you...
and in so doing he had not
helped you, so to speak.
Do you mind telling me which one of
your friends we are talking about here?
Well, I thought we'd agreed this
was a hypothetical situation...
Oh, that bad, huh?
Unfortunately.
Now, do you think you could find it
in your heart to help him again?
Well, what specifically did
this friend of yours do ...
Ours.
Ours.
Yes.
OK, what specifically did this
hypothetical friend of ours do...
that it was so bad and I
would never help him again?
Well, Let's just say he
ruined your vacation,
then he caused you to be
attacked by Canadian mobsters...
which in turn forced you to
shoot and explode your car...
until it was a seething fire ball, hyp..
hypothetically.
No... no, no, no.
There's no room?
No!
Amazing friend you've got, Fraser,
I mean how many guys would run
a marathon around the world...
to raise money for an orphanage in China.
Two hundred fifty thousand miles
(250,000) his feet bleeding,
[his] heart fit to burst,
just to buy some poor little
Chinese kids a big screen TV.
And ...
...a Dumbo video.
You've got to love a guy who loves Dumbo.
Ian,
Ian McDonald.
Don't tell me this man is
here because if he is...
I'm gonna have to take my
gun out and shoot myself.
Hi guys, ... am I glad to see you!
On second thoughts I'm gonna shoot him.
Ray, Ray, Please, you promised.
That was hypothetically.
He needs help.
No.
Ray, it will take 10 seconds...
and a person's life may depend upon it.
Look, Ray...
just because someone
feels compelled to lie,
it doesn't mean there isn't a grain
of truth in there somewhere...
and I'm... fairly certain that
he did intent to go to China.
Two seconds.
All right, thank you.
Ian, tell him.
My fianc?e has been abducted by aliens.
Argh!
Right, right, right!
Argh!
Fine, don't believe me then.
I don't.
I'm telling the truth.
Truth? You don't even know
how to spell the word!
T.R.U.T.H.
Do I need to remind you what happened...
the last time we went for
a ride with this clown?
We were in a bar room shoot out,
there was mud up to here and we
were in a massive car chase...
and then he stole my car.
Borrowed it.
And he did return it.
Yes, just in enough time for me to
blow it up to save his sorry butt.
Now, you should have let me strangle him.
It wouldn't have worked, the aliens put
a protective force field around me.
Ray, wait, we should at least hear him out.
Why, what good will it do?
He'll only tell us a bunch of lies...
and you'll believe him and
the next thing you know...
we're gonna be driving around
in circles dodging bullets.
See that would never have
happened if you'd let me drive.
Oh, shut up!
You know Ray, every piece of
the puzzle that doesn't fit,
it just gets us closer to finding
that piece of the puzzle which does.
Well, thank you grasshopper but I
have other business to attend to.
You!
You're late, the suspect's heart
beat is probably way to high...
by now this thing's useless.
Go and get me a bucket of ice,
a wet towel and three jars of tomato juice.
I'll make this man talk if
it's the last thing I do...
Go man go... there's no time to lose.
Where's my suspect?
He confessed.
I sent his file to the state's
attorney and put him in holding.
You impersonated a cop?
You certainly weren't
doing a very good job.
Come on, all right, that's it.
Fraser.
This guy?s got some serious problems.
He's probably skipped bail
and is here illegally.
I'm gonna arrest him.
Ray, come on.
All right, at the very least ...
At the very least we put him
on a bus back to Winnipeg,
notify immigration and
we do everyone a favor,
he's talking aliens for God's sakes.
Well, I agree he exaggerates...
but there may be some truth
to what he's saying.
Let's take the cut on his
forehead for example.
Oh, he slipped in the bathroom.
I'm not so sure.
The presence of minute paint particles
along with the traces of wood.
In the cut, the abrasion.
Wood?
Cheap particle board would be my
guess and judging from the angle...
he made contact with a low
lying piece of furniture...
...perhaps a dresser.
All right, so he tripped in the bedroom.
Well, that is possible...
that would be an assumption...
which is not altogether different
from his exaggeration...
if you follow what I am saying...
and if we don't investigate...
...we will never be certain.
Of course, we will.
Never judge a book by its cover, Ray.
Never judge a book by its cover?
Nobody says that anymore, Fraser.
My grandmother did.
Oh, I knew she was behind this.
Behind what?
Oh, never mind.
Never mind what?
That your grandmother's behind this.
You make no sense, Ray.
I'm ready, ... I'm ready.
This guy's a moron.
You won?t regret this, Ray.
I already am.
OK, I'm gonna give you my lunch hour.
You got 60 minutes of my time to
waste and that's it. Now let's go.
You haven't interrogated me yet.
Don't push your luck...
just unhook yourself from
that machine and let?s go.
Err Ray, we're all set up here, shall we?
Ahem!
All right, ... please state your name.
My name's Ian McDonald.
And what do you do for a living in?
I operate a touring
business out of Ontario.
We take Canadians through the United
States on sightseeing tours...
which is actually where I met Audrey,
The minute I saw her it was magic,
like summer lightning.
I knew, I knew the minute I saw
here that this was the woman...
that I was gonna spent the
rest of my life with.
Yes, I'm sure she was,
but before Detective Vecchio
changes his mind ....
You should have seen the look on
her face when I gave her the ring,
it was my mother's,
the minute it slipped on her finger...
her eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas.
You want to get to the point, please?
She has blue eyes just like my mother.
And out of the blue... she was abducted.
Yes,
there was a bright light
I couldn't see a thing:
we were on the way to the wedding.
We'd stopped off for coffee.
Audrey's father the Dodge of Venice had
flown in from Switzerland for the ceremony.
The guest's strictly A list, Strictly.
Frank, Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart.
Look, this is useless, all right.
This guy couldn't tell the truth
if his life depended on it.
Bogart's been dead for twenty years.
Frank Bogart, his younger brother.
People are many mentalists.
Ah, look, just give me a blunt object
I'm gonna put him out of his misery.
Oh, yeah, try it...
my father in law gave
me diplomatic immunity.
This is very interesting, Ray.
What?
Well, it would appear
that there was a girl.
Ha, see.
Shut up!
And although she may not have
been abducted by aliens...
according to this she was abducted.
Of course, I suppose we
could choose to ignore it.
No.
Let's call the FBI.
I can't wait to see the expression...
on Agent Ford's face when he
gets a load of this wacko.
Yes, you're right, he won't take
the wacko seriously either.
Although ...
Ahem...
he might find this interesting.
Oh,
it's a Bee Sting, the Eraptor Bogart...
killer bees, hundreds of them.
Oh, thousands, I'm sure.
I think the stinger's still in there.
It appears to be infected.
Great Scott turtles...
Turtles?
Argh, Police Brutality!
I have removed it.
I see.
I expected better of you, sir.
Sit down.
I'm calling the Hague.
Shall we.
As a political prisoner...
I demand that you people guarantee my
safety under the Geneva convention.
So, what was with the turtles?
Well, there were no turtles, Ray.
Well, I know there were no turtles.
What were you doin'?
Oh, I was simply trying to distract
him so I could remove... this.
A needle.
So, what is he on drugs?
Oh, I didn't see any signs...
consistent with prolonged
drug use aka 'track marks'...
and Ian hardly seems the
type to need help...
to escape from reality but...
perhaps we should ask him.
So he can tell us that it's a immunization
shot for the honeymoon with the Dodge.
I don't think so.
Well, in that case, Ray, we will have to
ask whoever it is that put this there.
All right, You only got 60 minutes.
Why only sixty?
Because that's my lunch hour.
Understood.
OK and under no circumstances is that
little liar gonna set foot in my car.
All right, we'll take my car.
You have a car?!
Yes, I have a car.
Well, what do you think?
It's on loan from N.A.S.A.
They were having a financial
difficulty with the...
space shuttle program and
we?re having a fire sale.
Well, it's very roomy.
Do you mind?
There's a draft, it's
very bad for the lumbago.
No, not at all.
Excuse me.
These are your 'A' list clients?
Hey,
just because a person is old doesn't
mean they can't have an open mind...
and a desire to explore the unknown.
Besides with compound interest...
a person's net worth by the age
of 65 is a remarkable thing.
GREY POWER...
You both remember that!
Who needs Myrtle Beach when you can
have the opportunity of a life time.
We took one look at this brochure
and said to ourselves...
if we walk to the market
instead of taking a taxi.
Eat a little less on
Friday, buy whole sale,
we could have this.
Why sit at home watching Donahue...
and hear about someone else's sightings...
when you have a chance to get of
the couch and see it for yourself.
May I?
Oh, certainly.
Thank you.
A close encounter... is
guaranteed in every brochure.
There are all kinds of close encounter.
So, it would appear.
See base 24 home of hanger 57...
the US Governments top secret
UFO intelligence operation,
tour the base, meet the aliens, take
a ride on a real flying saucer.
You're actually charging money for this?
With a money back guarantee.
It's a line of bull.
The best part is the sky watch.
Hundreds of spaceships from every
galaxy gather around in an...
interplanetary display of precision flying.
Norman flew in the war.
Now dear.
And our son's a pilot.
Ahh, It's been a long
time since I've seen him.
Well, he's probably busy.
I miss him.
What a nice doggy.
Well, he's a wolf actually...
and he's on a diet.
That's enough.
Nice piece of fried chicken, Mr. Glasma?
It gives me heartburn.
I told you, you should have made boiled.
Rump roast, honey?
Allergic.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
If you look to your left. You'll
notice we're passing through Jackson.
In 1983 I myself personally
witnessed a spaceship...
suck the milk out of an
entire herd of cows.
Moo.
Rosewell, Illinois
Population 1,280
Constellation Motel
Okay gang, we meet at the mission room
for a briefing at 15 hundred hours.
That's 3 o'clock for those of
you not yet on space time.
Such a nice boy.
I love his dog!
Space time? ... Several travelers.
Yeah, UFOs, ... hundreds... thousands...
of them they all come here,
this is like the Woodstock
of psychic fairs.
This place is famous. The Constellation.
This is where Mick stays when
'nostalgia' traveling...
and where Mohammed Ali
and George Foreman...
had their secret meeting before the fight.
But listen, you didn't
hear it from me, Okay?
And this is the course where I met Audrey.
This is where you and Audrey had 'coffee'?
Hey, that's my Fianc?e
you're talking about, pal.
Oh, forgive me.
Got it.
It was terrible and when the aliens
ripped her out of my arms...
I fought like a wild man but what
are you gonna say to a space man...
when he's got a laser nerve
destructor pointing at your head?
Beam me up?
Hey listen pal, I've had
enough of you, all right?
Why don't you just keep
your sarcasm to yourself...
and your mind on your job?
I'm talking about the woman I love her.
OK.
All right, now look,
it's a real disaster area in
there so just keep your cool...
I want to preserve the
integrity of the crime scene.
Come on.
We've found him but he's not alone.
Continue surveillance,
don't let them out of your sight.
Right here,
I'm telling you. There was blood
everywhere, the walls the ceilings,
rivers of it.
Ah, you know Ian, ordinarily I am inclined
to believe you but even if this room...
had been scoured clean there should
have been a crack in the finish...
and the particle board would
have soaked up traces of blood.
This dresser as obviously
has been replaced.
Excuse me, that could be evidence.
Hopeless.
Yeah, get me a taxi.
Chicago, Chicago!
I know it's 60 miles.
I know it's a long trip.
Yes, I have money.
Tomorrow?
Kicked in?
Right off it's hinges,
they must have used their
anti-gravity boots.
Yeah, they took the yellow pages too.
The dresser's been replaced, the door
jam has been repaired and painted.
I'm not listening because
every time I listen,
he says something stupid
and you back him up.
And the aliens took my stuff.
Like my stereo, the closet full of Versace.
Hey, you'd think these higher life forms...
would have a more developed
sense of ethics.
Maybe they were bad aliens.
Excuse me, sir...
Excuse me. Could you perhaps
tell me if you saw...
anyone going into room
6 within the last ...
15 and a half hours.
Fifteen and a half hours.
Yep.
Ah, could you possibly describe them to me?
Yep.
Do you think you could
describe them to me now?
Wait a minute, ... wait a minute,
let me guess...
CIA, right?
No.
Royal Canadian Mounted police,
Constable Benton Fraser.
Bob.
Where's your horse?
Well, I...I don't have one.
I have a wolf if that will help you any?
You ride him?
No, he's deaf.
Two guys...
pulled up in a Ford
Explorer around... ah...
6am, I guess...
I was waiting for the primer to dry and...
went to get a cup of coffee,
couldn't have been gone ooh 20 minutes.
Came back those fellas were
gone nothing missing...
why make a fuss?
Finally, a reasonable explanation.
Are you the owner?
No.
Are you the caretaker?
No.
What do you do?
I build ships.
When that baby's finished
she'll be an exact replica.
An exact replica of...[what]?
The one in my basement.
Ah, ah... thank you kindly.
I'm so glad we asked.
What are you guys doin'?...
that guy is a material witness...
put him in protective custody.
Okay, two aliens in a Ford Bronco:
Simple explanation.
They are exerting mind control
over the Ford Motor Company...
and using them to cover their tracks.
How do I get out of this town?
Left at the corner.
Well, I don't have a car.
Then you have a problem.
Haha, You have no idea.
Is there a car rental agency?
Apollo 13 rentals...
How about a bus?
Last one went through an hour ago.
Does the space shuttle
fly over any time soon?
Ask Bob.
I'd rather gouge my eyes
out with a dull spoon.
No, no, it's just an expression.
Mind control over the Ford Motor Company...
what's the matter with you?
You know, Ray, on the surface
it does appear to be slightly ...
Look Fraser, we are talking to a
man who lies with the skill...
equal only to used car
sales men and presidents.
Thank you.
Ray, if you ignore the
facts, you ignore the truth.
Now the fact is we have a witness...
that can co-operate that there
was strange activity...
in Ian's room this morning.
Yeah and I bet if you asked him
who killed Kennedy...
and where Jimmy Hoffa is then
he'd probably tell us...
that little green men
in his basement did it.
No, that was the mob.
All right, now look, if you can
get one truth to come out of...
his mouth I'll stay but
that's the best I can do.
Fair enough.
All right.
Now what about food, can you manage that?
Try the bar.
Thank you kindly.
OK, you guys got however long it
takes me to chomp down a burger.
You guys are gonna love this place.
It's four star,
they have the best pickled
pork in the Tri State area.
Friends of yours?
Security.
Ah, actually Ian I believe that the Tri
State area consists of New Jersey,
New York and Connecticut.
Well, they come from there...
Ian...
...and everywhere else to here.
Yeah?
Your group is waiting.
Oh! Okay, could you hold them on the bus...
and just give them some of those
maps to the aliens' homes?
Thanks a lot.
Isn't she great?
Uh huh!
Well, ... this is it.
This is where Audrey and I
had our engagement party.
It was quite a shindig I can tell you.
Is there anyone you
recognize from last night?
You know, it's hard to say... Ah...
all I could see is Audrey.
Well, there probably were
other witnesses, Ian.
Yeah, well, maybe we should
ask the space lady here.
She might nose something.
Excuse me, do you have anything
other than the Skywatch burger?
You're not from around here, are you?
Not unless there are aliens who look
like second generation immigrants.
Hey,
I recognize you, you were
behind the bar last night.
Yeah and the night before
that and the one before that.
I haven't seen you here before.
No Ma'am, I'm from the
North West Territories.
Now is it possible that if my friend
recognizes you from last night...
that you might also recognize
him from last night?
Why don't you ask him?
Well, that's a long story.
Yeah, sure, he was here last night.
What?
Well, the Space Lady was just saying ...
I heard, OK?
Yes, he was sat right there, actually.
You were here with... ah...
Audrey McKenna, right?
Yes, Audrey, Audrey McKenna.
Yeah, you had a beer and
she had two cosmopolitans.
Audrey never has more than one.
It must have been a good night!
What you actually saw this man
with the woman he says...
he was with and she was
actually being nice to him?
He's a quick one!
Well, ordinarily yes.
Ah,... can you tell us where we
could find this Audrey McKenna?
She's not a townie,
she doesn't talk much about
herself or her work...
which probably means she works at the base.
She works at the base,
Audrey works at the base?
This fact never came up?
I've given you my lunch hour.
I've come all the way out here...
to Nutsville USA to check out
your cock-a-miamy story...
and canvas suspected aliens...
only to have the Space Lady here
tell me that Audrey McKenna...
may or may not work at a base of
which you know nothing about?
I knew everything I needed
to know about her, Okay?
Like what?
Like the important stuff.
The who she was inside.
I didn't have to ask her a
bunch of stupid questions.
I took one look at her
and I knew who she was,
in here.
I always have.
God that's beautiful.
Thanks.
How long you know her?
I don't know, I came in here
last night about 10 o'clock...
and she came in about 10:30.
You met her last night?
It only takes a moment...
My mother used to say that.
I thought it was Barbra Streisand.
Oh, you know my mother?
Hey, her next album's gonna be a killer.
All right, that's it.
Come on, I'm going home.
No, no, please, I made a promise.
Yeah and she said yes and
you gave her a ring...
and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas,
...and you all lived happily ever after.
No,
I made a promise to my mother.
She gave me that ring before she died...
and told me to give it to the one
woman I truly loved and care for.
I told her I would give
it to the one woman...
I would be faithful to for
the rest of my life...
not like my father.
Please, you've gotta help me.
I have to find her.
We should go to the base with him.
The US army base.
Yes.
Fraser, the army does not like civilians
snooping around their back yards, okay...
they kind of respond with ordinance.
No problem.
We'll show them the pass
I got from desert storm.
Excuse me Ma'am, could you
direct us to the base?
Yeah, you make a left up the
road it's about five miles.
Thank you.
He made a promise, Ray...
to his mother.
These were the last words, she heard.
Okay,
I'll give you an extension.
Till when?
Till I change my mind.
Fair enough.
Thank you kindly.
1984.
10pm, Tuesday.
A little red blip...
appears in the radar screen at the
Illinois Weather Tracking Station.
At first the radar technician
thinks nothing of it,
he thinks that it's an air craft,
but when that little red blip
breaks up into four other blips...
and flies off in separate directions...
he knows something is amiss.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I now ask you to
close your eyes and imagine yourselves...
back in that radar station.
Why am I already regretting this?
I can't imagine.
We don't even know what she looks like.
Engagement photos.
These're from a dollar photo booth.
Well, Of course they are.
After what happened with her
brother and Princess Di,
Audrey's family didn't want the pictures
falling into the hands of the tabloids.
By the time NORAD received
the mystery signal...
hundreds of fighter
pilots had been deployed.
10:15
Sam Norbutts farm.
Lights of red, green and blue descend...
and encircle his barn.
Hundreds of telephone calls...
swarm the Everstow Police Department.
Our men in blue spray into action.
Squad cars are scattered
all over the city...
responding to reported sightings ...
sightings of unidentified flying objects.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
to your immediate right...
I present to you the site...
of the first reported
landing of alien spaceship;
Right there beyond the trees.
How does it feel to belong
to the same gene pool?
What do you mean, Ray?
He's bilking them.
Well, they seem happy enough.
Hey, when does the real
estate scam kick in?
These people are from the
Sunset Retirement home,
Okay.
Some of these people haven't been
out of their bath robes in 7 years,
right, Murray?
8.
Angina.
Warning,
no trespassing...
beyond this point
photography is prohibited.
Oh my, you are a risk taker!
Oh, I love a man that lives on the edge.
Shut up.
There it is, I can read the sign.
Restricted area :
no entry,
use of deadly force authorized!
Oh, this is so exciting.
All right, let me handle this.
Hello?
State your business.
Hi, how are you today?
State-your-business.
Is that Brad?
Brad 'the bad' Wilson?
Hey, hey, it's me Ian McDonald,
2nd battalion Sports Guard.
How're you doin'?
This is not Brad Wilson and if you do
not clearly state your business...
we will enforce military law.
Oh!
Well, I'm here to pick up my
fianc?e Audrey... Audrey McKenna.
We do not have anyone
of that name here, sir.
That's kind of weird I mean...
she told me to meet her right
here by the front gate.
Just... Just tell her I'm here.
Sir, you will proceed no further...
and you will turn that
vehicle around immediately.
Ian, I don't think that's probably what ...
Ian, stop the van.
Security breach at gate 2,
security breach at gate 2.
Ian, stop the damn van.
I'm doing it!
We got company.
All those inside the bus exit
with you hands above your heads.
You are all under arrest.
OK boys, no need to panic
hold your friendly fire.
All right, everyone stay
calm, just do what they say.
Yeah and you keep talking!
Any luck they'll shoot him!
Good afternoon, my name is
Constable Benton Fraser...
Ah... this is my wolf Diefenbaker. May I?
and now introducing from the left ...
Understood.
This is a maximum-security military base...
what part of 'don't move'
didn't you understand?
Brad... you've changed man,
we were simply five. [5 good friends]
Compadres we swore we'd go down together.
Excuse me, could you please shoot him?
Back in the line.
If I may explain:
this gentleman's fianc?e ...
Audrey McKenna.
Yes, she either is or once was
an employee at this base...
and we were wondering
if perhaps you could...
shed some light on a rather
sudden disappearance.
Yes, ... take us to your leader.
Take these,
leave two men with the others.
Have you seen my son?
He's a pilot, you know.
No, Ma'am.
Aliens?
Ha, ha, ha...
Well, Mr. McDonald...
if your fianc?e has indeed been captured
by creatures from outer space...
I'm afraid I can provide
you with little comfort.
This base is military, pure and simple,
notwithstanding your ah... brochure.
Ha, ha, ha...
Ha, ha, ha...
Well, you can laugh if you want...
but that's a very high-quality program...
and what about Audrey,
does she work here or not?
Well, she's your fianc?e...
I would think you would know, huh?
Lieutenant!
There is no Audrey McKenna on
the personnel roster, sir...
I've checked the computer back 10 years.
What a shock.
Sorry, we can't help you detective.
No problem Colonel, sorry
for the intrusion.
Is it possible that...
you... might recognize this woman...
perhaps by a different name?
I'm afraid we still can't help you.
She's very beautiful though,
you two make a very happy couple.
I err... hope you find her.
Oh, really?
Then why don't you just tell
me where she is then, huh?
Thank you, Colonel.
Can you believe him?
Come on.
No, wait a second, don't
you people see a cover up.
Ohh, you tell me aliens are
just gonna fall out of...
... the sky... and ...
Thank you kindly.
... US army is just gonna
let them snatch people away.
Let's go, come on...
and worth things lost.
You don't want to get arrested.
No, wait a second.
Continue surveillance, sir?
Yes.
Keep an eye on them until they leave town.
Give me the lab.
They know her...
or at least they know who she is.
Junior officer, I noticed that,
his eyes right...
just before he talked about
Audrey he looked away.
He didn't even look at the picture.
And what about the colonel,
colonel didn't even blink.
Not once.
Yeah, bet he's in on it too.
I think so yes.
So how do you know?
Sweat?
No.
Shallow breathing?
N. O.
Dilated pupils?
Not that I noticed.
So what then?
His table top.
Ahh, His table top.
Yes, his table top.
His table top.
His table top, Ray.
Audrey McKenna's file was on his table top.
What?
That was Audrey... in the red parka.
I just saw her get into that Bronco.
Oh, come on...
Right, what was I thinking.
Mission, the rockets on the loose again...
Get in.
The Colonel wants to see you.
I demand you take me to
the colonel?s office...
when my grandfather Admiral Nimmits
finds out about this, HOHO.
You people are in some serious trouble.
You guys do not want to
mess with the man who...
beamed up their battle ship
I'll tell you right now.
Audrey!
Get your hands off me.
You're not Audr..!
Wha.. what have you done to Audrey?
Gentlemen, I thought we'd
covered this ground.
Do you know this man?
No, sir.
Have you ever seen him before today?
No, sir.
Your friend here seems to think that
Specialist Johnson is this person Audrey.
In fact, he chased her half
way across the base...
endangering himself and
members of my command.
No, if you don't mind...
my assistant and I have
reports to get back to.
And Gentlemen,
if I catch you or your
friend here on the base...
no matter how good the reason...
I'll arrest you,
call your superior officers...
and make sure that traffic duty is...
all either of you ever see
for a very, very long time.
Do I make myself plain?
Very plain, sir.
Come on, Ian.
I saw her... It... it's true.
Gentlemen!
Yes, sir.
Why! You guys don't believe anything.
You've put this project in jeopardy...
I can not allow that.
Watch the sky Norman...
do you think that's them?
Where?
That little twinkling light.
It's shaped like a flying saucer.
Oh, don't be silly, Edna,
saucers were just made up.
No, it'll look like... like the shuttle...
you know a plane with rocket boosters.
You think so?
Oh, yes.
Our son flies planes.
Not any more, dear...
Ah,... he died in the war.
That's what they said.
but I think he's up there with them.
What do you think Mr. Gleams?
I think this chair is killing me!
Oh, it's mine.
I know it.
No, no, no, no, stay where you are.
It's a star...
I mean you'd think when people
get to a certain age...
they'd stop kidding themselves.
Look who's talking,
like the pot calling the kettle black.
Your story's nothing but full of malarkey.
Hey, my story is not malarkey.
Your Story's full of malarkey...
you know it and I know it and he knows it.
Ray!
Audrey McKenna's file was
on the desk in that base...
and yet no one seems willing to
admit that she was even anyway...
connected to it. Don't you find
that even vaguely curious?
That woman was not kidnapped
by aliens and by anybody else.
She is on that base, she doesn't
want to be found, specially by him.
You're wrong about that my friend.
I am not wrong and I am
not your friend, OK.
This whole thing is a
figment of you imagination.
No, man.
No. She made a big mistake...
and when she realizes it she's
gonna come running back to me.
All right, that's it, that's it.
Time to make a call, pal.
Well, you don't think she's
crying her eyes out right now?
Not unless she's cutting onions!
Your harsh man, you're really harsh.
Ray!
Look, sooner or later he's gotta [going
to have to] face the facts, all right.
Now, look kid, you're not the first
guy to be taken to the cleaners.
What Ray is trying to say is ...
What Ray is trying to say is...
a girl sees a guy in a bar namely you.
She's got maybe half an hour to kill.
Now your not the best
looking guy in the joint...
but compared to the
locals you're Brad Pitt.
She bats her eyelids,
she gets you into bed and after
your fifteen minutes are up...
she takes your ring on the way
out the door as a souvenir.
It happens. We've both been there.
We all know the drill.
Yeah,
yeah, I...I forgot about the drill.
Well, that...that really,
really seems to have helped, Ray.
Yeah, great, great.
Go ahead, you too, go,
leave me here to look for aliens.
No such thing.
They're gonna miss the skywatch.
Such a good eater.
Do you like dogs?
Fur,
gives me hives.
Son?
That's it then.
He's right,
I'm an idiot.
I know a girl for 5 minutes and all
of a sudden I want to marry her...
and then I give her my
mother's ring, just like that.
So you're packing it in,
you're gonna leave?
35 years she wore that ring and she did not
take it off of finger once,
until the day she died...
and I gave it away for nothing.
How do you know it was for nothing?
Because she told me, OK?
Oh, she did... when?
In the bar?
She told me.
When,
while she was being abducted by aliens?
She told me when ...
When Ian? When did she tell you?
You see she didn't tell you anything.
Now I would imagine that you're...
that you're afraid to find out...
but your alternative is that you
live the rest of your life...
wondering.
Now we will find Audrey...
and when we do you can
ask her for yourself.
OK, That's good, that's enough.
I wanna,
I have something for you...
just hang on...
Dude, would you stay here?
don't peak,
close your eyes, close your eyes,
don't peak.
All right.
No, no, Ian, that's not what I meant!
Oh, great!
WARNING - Restricted Area
Use of Deadly Force Authorized
Secure Area
OK, we've got something coming up here,
this could be it.
'See the Light' Performed
by Jeff Healey Band
Can you see the light,
Can you see the light of
need shinin' in my eye?
Stop the truck!
Can you see the light,
- Can you see the light of need shinin' in my eye?
Pull over.
Well, you know I need you baby,
And I sure ain't gonna tell you no lie
Can you see the light,
Can you see the light of
want shinin' on my face?
- Pull over and stop.
Can you see the light,
- Can you see the light of want shinin' on my face? hey.
Stop the truck.
Ah, Ian!
Pull over.
I think right now might
be quite a good time...
Stop!
Look!
Gerry! sorry, I can't chat,
nice to see you.
Excuse me, have you seen a...
Oh, Thank you.
Let's hope it's not
another weather balloon.
No, this looks like the real thing.
We've got contact,
let's get ready people.
Yes.
7 miles and closing.
Tracking craft out to boundary markers.
You'll have to speak to the Colonel, sir,
He's 5'10, one sixty-five...
all I ask is you let me shoot him first.
Come on guys, we don't have to do this.
You'll have to speak to the Colonel.
I know, I know, the Colonel.
Five and closing.
Where's the Colonel?
On his way.
Four and closing.
Secure the doors
Securing doors.
Audrey!
I want the ring back.
You know him?
Tracking craft in position.
It was my mother's ring.
I made a promise.
Two and closing.
I want it back.
Well, I asked her I want a straight answer.
Gentlemen,
in aggregate these charges...
normally carry penalties
of upwards of 30 years.
Providing we strike intent
to sedition from the list.
A charge that typically involves
electricity in concentrations...
which I assure you, you do not
want to experience first-hand.
Now you have been spared the
full wait of these penalties...
thanks to the intervention
of the city of Chicago...
and the Government of Canada.
Both of whom have requested leniency...
claiming ah...
diminished mental capacity.
No in the light of the manifest
truth of these claims...
we have no choice but to
process and release you.
Thank you, Colonel.
You're welcome.
And now...
Mr. McDonald,
on a more...
private note...
If I so much as catch
sight of you within...
five miles of this United
States Military installation...
I will personally shoot you
right between the eyes...
with the largest caliber weapon...
we are currently developing
in our research labs,
is that understood?
Boy oh boy...
when Billy Carter appointed my uncle to
the head of the joint heads of staff...
that is exactly the kind of threatening
behavior he was trying to root out.
Ian!
God damn, that makes me mad.
Ian!
Audrey!
Ian.
It's you!
Yeah.
Why did you...?
I had to go to work.
In the middle of a marriage proposal?
Ian, something very important
happened here tonight...
something I have been
working on for a long time.
What?
It's not something I want to talk about.
You mean that,
you mean that they came,
they actually came?
Well, that's the funny thing
about the truth, isn't it?
I mean,
You can look at a cloud from
one angle and see err...
a camel...
but you can look at the same
cloud from a different angle...
and you see a...
Barbecue...
but no matter how you look
at it it's still a cloud.
Until it rains and then...
...it's gone.
Yeah, I think I understand that.
So that's the way it's gonna be, huh?
Me and the kids waiting,
dinner on the table cold,
family always the last priority.
None of us, none of us ever knowing
when you're gonna tell the truth.
That's the way it's gonna be?
Do you want your ring back?
No.
I kept my promise,
you keep that.
You know,
when we met...
It was like magic,
like summer lightning...
you took one look at me and
you knew right away...
I was the one man you were gonna
spend the rest of your life with.
No.
I thought you were cute.
You see for me it takes
more than 42 minutes.
Maybe if we had 43?
I'm gonna be at the constellation later.
If somebody, say some guy
wanted to buy me a...
Cosmopolitan I probably wouldn't say no.
I'll be there.
Then I'll probably see you.
Yes!
Colonel's orders.
Thanks for all your help guys.
Hey, if you guys could
you lend me some money...
What's in it for me?
Well, you can have the bus.
What bus, it's been confiscated.
So, we'll steal it back.
Ian!
Perhaps we could recover it, Ray.
Well, I ain't driving back in that bus.
Fraser ...
I'd rather hitch hike.
And risk arrest?
You've already been arrested.
Shut up.
Ray!
And you,
next time you ask me a
hypothetical question.
Yes.
The answer?s: no.
That makes no sense, Ray,
hypothetically.
Good bye son.