Dry Bar Comedy (2017–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Shayne Smith: Alligator Boys - full transcript
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Shane Smith!
Thank you!
Goodness gracious.
How's it going everybody?
All right.
You guys are wild, this is good.
Let's get right into it, huh?
It's 2019 and my look
is less ideal than ever.
This is real!
Here's the deal.
I am a Jewish man but
I look like an accountant
for the Arian Brotherhood,
and I know that.
It's not, I didn't do it on purpose.
But I do, I look like the nerdiest guy
in the worst prison gang,
it's a problem.
It's a serious problem.
They're just like,
"He doesn't kill people
"he does read a lot though, he
does."
Oh man, it's fine though.
People are wild,
they surprise me all the time
with how wild they are.
Recently, I was in a shoe store
and I was just looking at shoes
and a dude comes up to me
and he goes,
"Oh, your face, that's crazy,
"I can't believe you did that!"
And then he goes,
"Dude, so what do you,
"like a tattoo artist?"
And I was like, "No man,
"I'm not good at art."
And he goes, "So just no job?"
Like there's no other options!
So it's like, "I can do work!"
He's like, "Oh, so what do you
do?"
And I was like, "Well
technically, no job,
"but still, come on man."
And then he goes,
"Well, if you need any help
"with anything, you let me
know."
I was like, "You work here!"
So disrespectful!
People are crazy disrespectful.
I live in New York.
Dudes, this is a thing
that's happening often,
dudes who wanna get my attention
in public,
they will combine with a
think I look like with prison
and yell it at me.
The other day a guy was like,
"Hey you!"
And I was like.
And he goes, "Yeah you,
"Harry Potter but make it prison,
"come over here."
It's like, "What?
"I'll come over but I didn't
like that."
This is true, the other day
I was sitting on the subway,
I was sitting, minding my own business,
this guys is scooting past me,
he looked up at me and
he stops and he goes,
"Hey, Jim from The Office
"did 10 years in prison,
"look at you."
I was like, "Did not like that
one!"
I was like, "That one was accurate.
Like, "Come on man,
"I'm trying to grow my hair out,
"let me live my life!"
People on the train were laughing,
he was killing!
And he goes, "Oh, so Pam left
"and you just snapped, huh?"
He has follow-ups!
Come on!
Yeah, just going hard.
I've been doing this,
which I shouldn't do,
I've been reading comments
on my videos online.
What a nightmare online is,
just in general.
This is real,
I've been noticing this in comments,
this is a new thing,
a new trend I've been noticing,
people, usually older people,
will be annoyed withy my tattoos.
Now, this is completely new,
they will see me and then be like,
"Ugh, I remember when
"having your face
"or your throat tattooed meant
"that you were a criminal,
"meant that you were dangerous.
"Now it just means you're a
hipster."
And I'm must like,
"Are you disappointed
"I'm not a murder right now?"
What is happening?
It's like you assume, firstly,
you're making assumptions
about who I am based on how I look.
And then when I don't
live up to them you're,
and like it makes no sense.
I'm furious,
I cannot win with these people.
And then, what's even crazier
is that I happen to have
gang tattoos on my face,
I used to be a criminal
when I was younger,
not always the case,
but in my case it is.
Sometimes I will tell people that
to stop them from being annoyed
with my tattoos
and then with so much confidence,
they'll just tell me, "No!
"No, you weren't a criminal.
"Listen, I've seen
"The Wire and Sons of Anarchy
"and you were not."
They're like experts now.
It's incredible,
I spent the entire first part of
my life
only wanting respect from
the scariest people you can imagine
and now I'm on Facebook arguing
with a 40-year-old woman named Joy.
She's just like,
"I bet you've never even
"stabbed anybody."
"What?
"I've stabbed two people in my
life!"
She's just like, "Not even three?
"I bet they both survived."
Oh my gosh.
These are the same people
who do stuff,
they'll be like,
"Aren't you worried
"about how you're gonna
"look when you're older?
"Look at all that,
"aren't you worried about
"how you're gonna look
"when you're older?"
And it's just like, "Okay, well,
"you're wearing dress socks
"with jean shorts,
"why don't you worry about
"how you look right now?
"How about that?"
Yeah.
Ah man, let's...
I've been traveling a lot,
I've been all over.
Recently I was in the south
and I was at a Denny's.
I was minding own business
and I looked over and
there's like a claw machine,
like one of those giant claw machines
you see, you know.
And I was like, "Ah man."
And then there was a lady
in front of the claw machine.
Okay, it was a big one,
where you win giant prizes,
and she was crying.
And I was like,
"Wow, that's seems like
"an over reaction
"to losing that game."
And my friends were like,
"No, you idiot, look."
And I paid more attention
and then she was crying
because her toddler
had crawled into the machine.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And he was stuck inside of it
and she was like,
"Come out for mommy."
And he was like,
"I live here now!
"I have all the prizes.
"Why would I ever leave?"
So she's hysterical
and she's just like,
"Someone call 911,"
like, "Someone call the police."
And I'm just like,
"Don't waste public resources, lady,
"now is your time,
"win him back, let's go!"
Right!
"The stakes have never been higher,
"let's do it!"
I was just like,
"Listen, I have $5, I can claw
your baby.
"Let me try, I can get him!
"I can get him."
She did not think it was
as funny as you guys did.
So, they called the police or whatever
and they brought the fire department
and they took the machine apart
and got the kid out.
And she was very snooty
about the whole thing.
But I was like,
"How funny would that have been
"if just some big,
"Italian firefighter showed up?"
And she was like,
"What are you gonna use
"the Jaws of Life
"to save my baby?"
And he's like,
"I have ten ones, let's do it!"
Cut to 40 minutes later,
he's like, "I'm out of money,
"I am so sorry for your loss.
"Will you take a life size
"Sonic the Hedgehog instead?"
It's good to be back here in the West,
I live in New York now,
I came back here for this
and to visit my family often.
It's also,
there's different challenges being here
than in the city.
Like for instance,
recently while I was here,
I hit a deer with my car.
Yeah, but it's not what
you guys think, okay.
I did it completely on purpose, now...
How that happened was,
I was driving,
minding my own business and
I'm going down the street
and I looked over and I saw
a dog and a deer in
a parking lot together, okay.
I was like,
"They're friends, like in
Disney."
But I was wrong,
they were not friends,
they were enemies and
they were fighting pretty hard, okay.
All right, I don't,
and I didn't even know,
the deer was hooving the dog,
I didn't even know they did that,
all right.
And the dog hated it
so the dog goes running away
from the deer to escape
and the dog comes running across
the street I'm driving down
and the deer comes
chasing after the dog
and I had a decision to make.
Yeah.
Listen, it was an
Australian shepherd, okay,
it's crunch time!
I hit that deer so hard with my car.
I swerved and everything.
Listen, I hit that deer like
my stepdad was riding it.
Do you understand?
That is what I like,
a crowd that is not a
fan of my stepfather!
Nobody likes you Joe!
I shouldn't use his real name
but whatever.
So,
by the way, I should not say this
but you guys seem cool,
so I'm gonna say it anyway.
Feels so good to hit something
that big with your car,
it was awesome!
Yes!
Listen, I didn't want to have to do it
but if I'm gonna do it,
it might as well be cool.
I don't know it felt cool
to hit something that big,
I get what old people are up to
in farmer's markets,
I get it.
Like, I understand,
now when I'm on the couch and
I'm watching the news and they're like,
"An elderly gentleman
"ran over six people
"and slammed his car
"into Best Buy today."
I'm just sitting there like,
"Live your best life grandpa,
"get in there.
"Yeah, you didn't fight in World War II
"not to hit someone with your car,
"get it."
So, listen I feel some of you
in the audience
being worried about the deer
and that's fair
but don't be, okay.
The deer is fine,
I drive a 2001 Saturn,
the deer is fine, okay.
Yeah.
It seems like you guys might know
a thing or two about cars,
that is not a good car.
Yeah, my car is so bad
that when I bought it
I parked it on the street and
that night
I assume some kids
spray painted the word "Wow"
on the side of it,
and I did not care, okay.
Yeah so I'm in my 2001 Saturn,
the dog runs past,
the deer is coming,
I slam on the gas,
I gave it everything I had.
All that happened, okay,
was the deer rolled up
onto the side of my hood on its side,
rolled back onto it's hooves,
and then just looked at me
like, "What was that about,
man?"
And I'm just in my car awkward like,
"I'm trying to kill you!"
The deer's just like,
"I don't need this."
And it left to go do
deer stuff or whatever.
So the deer is gone.
I'm sitting in my car,
I can't believe this just happened
and I realized the dog
is nowhere to be found.
The dog escaped, yes,
I'm an American hero.
I deserve this!
I know, it's like the troops,
then me, then firefighters.
I'm feeling very good.
This is literally the most
onboard anyone has ever been
with that premise.
I used to put myself above the troops,
even as a joke,
people were like, "Pull it back,
"you gotta be behind."
So, I'm feeling good,
I'm in the street,
I just hit a deer with my car,
I'm a good person.
I'm feeling great.
I'm jazzed up,
I'm like pumped up on adrenaline,
I just can't believe it happened,
I'm like dancing in my car,
I was like, "Ah, that was
crazy!"
And I look over and I see a family,
they're wearing their Sunday best,
like a mom and a dad.
They're pushing a baby stroller
down the sidewalk.
And I was like,
they probably saw everything.
They definitely wanna talk to me.
So I do a U-turn,
I pull up to them.
Have you ever seen a guy
pick up a baby stroller
to get away from you faster?
Yeah.
Yeah!
I'm just in my car like,
"What is this guy's problem?"
And then I realize, "Oh no,
they have no context
for what just happened.
They probably didn't even see the dog!
They just see some guy
in the middle of the city
with his face covered in tattoos,
driving the world's worst car,
just clobber a deer for no reason.
Then, that guy sits in the street
and thinks about it
for a while,
spots your family,
does a U-turn,
revealing the fact that
he has the word "Wow"
spray painted
on the side of his car,
struggles to get his window down
'cause he drives a 2001 Saturn.
And then he looks out
at your wife and kid
and just goes, "I'm a hero!"
He left so fast.
He left his wife, he did not care,
hustling.
Oh man.
I've been traveling a ton
this year for comedy,
which has been great.
I went to two places in particular,
I went to Austin and Portland.
Both places...
No, hold on.
Either way you're wrong,
both...
If you've seen me before
and I bring up a place,
I will say nothing good
about that place.
I'm not here to be like,
"They were great and moving on."
No, so I went to Austin and Portland
and they're not so bad
but here is a thing,
Austin and Portland, both cities where
their whole motto is "Keep It Weird"
and they're, "We're weird, ugh."
And I showed and like I'm a weird guy.
I love weird stuff,
I cannot wait to see
what I'm gonna see.
Nothing weird at all, okay.
I'm talking to people like,
"When does the weird happen?"
And they're like, "It's around."
It wasn't.
There's nothing weird happening
in either of those places.
I was like, "You guys have to,
"the bar has to be higher."
I live in New York,
once on the subway
I saw a guy, this is real,
only wearing the top half of
a SpongeBob costume, okay.
Yeah, and what,
what was he doing you ask?
He was wrestling...
Oh!
Another man, okay.
Who clearly didn't know him.
That guy he was wrestling
was just yelling out
over and over again, he goes,
"Sponge Bill, no!"
Yeah.
But no one on the train was helping,
there's everyone watching
like he seems like
he has it under control.
So if you're gonna be weird,
you gotta step it up.
Also, how dare Austin and Portland,
"Keep It Weird"
when, how dare they act
like they're weird
when they know Florida exists.
Yeah, it is just out there
doing what Florida does.
Last time I was in Florida,
this is real, by the way,
this is Googleable
information after the show.
I'm in Florida,
I'm walking past a newspaper stand,
I look into the stand,
the headline on the newspaper reads,
"Local man robs Wendy's with
aligator."
"What did you just say to me?"
I read it, I still said that out loud,
it was incredible!
And also, oh yeah,
that's all you wanna say,
you don't wanna add
any more to that?
Like, I don't know, maybe tell us
if the aligator was an accomplice
or a weapon, how about that?
For real.
Did this guy rob a Wendy's
with an aligator
or did this guy rob
a Wendy's with an aligator?
There's a huge difference.
Did he start a gang with an aligator,
throw a bandana on it?
He's like, "We're the aligator
boys now.
Let's get to a Wendy's
and make this official.
No.
So, this is happening,
I bought the paper
and I read the article and this
is real,
he used the aligator as a weapon, okay.
And when I read that I was like,
"Did he at least hold it like a
gun?"
Right?
He didn't, he threw it
through a drive-thru window!
Yep!
Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
You know who else didn't?
The lady
at the drive-thru!
So many things have to happen
before you can even throw an aligator.
You have to find it in the wild!
Also, by the way,
how horrible is Florida
that there is just
alligators available to you!
What was even his qualifying material?
Was he looking for a specific type?
Or are you just the first one he saw,
he was like,
"This is the one" and he took it,
that was it?
So this is real, this happened,
in Florida, a place connected
to the United States
where we are all living currently!
A grown man, with a driver's license
found an aligator that day.
He didn't even build a
relationship with it.
He takes this new aligator
and he seat belts it
into the backseat of his car.
I assume.
I just have no idea how else you
keep it
from getting into the front seat
and biting you, right.
I don't,
I don't
know if you guys know anything
about alligators but
they kinda just do whatever they want.
So he seat belts this
dinosaur into the back seat
and then he gets into
the front seat and he's like,
"Ugh, I gotta make some money
today."
Staring at the wheel,
"Ah, I could get a job,"
and he goes, "No, no time.
"Spent most my day
"on that aligator thing,"
Projects.
"I could rob someone."
He goes, "I could rob a place,
"'cause places have more
"money than someones.
"Rob a bank," and he goes, "No, no,
"they'll be expecting that."
He's thinking about it
and then he thought,
he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's.
They have money and chili,
that's the place.
So he drives his new aligator
to Wendy's, okay,
pulls up to the drive-thru,
and the lady at the drive-thru is like,
"Hello, how can I help you
today?"
And he goes, "Give me all the
money."
And she just goes,
looks right at him and goes,
"Uh, no!
"You didn't even come inside?
"You failed at this robbery."
And the dude is so mad and he goes,
"Give me the money in the register
"or I'll kill you!"
And she's from Florida
so she's not afraid of death
or whatever.
She looks down at him
and she's like, "No,
"if you had a gun you would of
"showed it to me already,
"I call your bluff.
"Get outta here crazy guy, goo,
go, go!"
And he's seething mad
at this point, furious.
And he's like, you know what,
"I don't have a gun
"but hold on."
And then he palmed an aligator
through the drive-thru window!
Yup!
He skipped so many steps
in that robbery.
If he had a list of things
he was supposed to do
he would of thrown the aligator,
looked down,
and just been like, "Oh no!
"I was supposed to threaten her
"with the aligator first."
By the way,
can you imagine being her?
Just telling this guy off and
he's like,
"You know what, I don't have a
gun."
And you're like, "Wow, nailed it,
"really doing it today."
And then he leans back
and starts unbuckling
the world's ugliest toddler.
Like "Ugh, hey,
"someone come and see, this is
wild."
And then you look back
and an aligator is flying.
Imagine being the car behind him!
Just, sitting there with your
girlfriend,
like, "What takes so long
"to make burgers here?"
She's on her phone, you're like,
"Do you even care?"
You look back from her and
then an aligator soars,
whoop, from window to window!
"Honey, get off your phone,
"they're throwing alligators
"into Wendy's!
"This guy is crazy!"
She's on her phone like,
"That doesn't make sense,
"they don't even serve
alligators here."
"What, why am I with you?"
So, this dude is sitting there,
awkwardly,
with no more alligators
left to play in the robbery.
Probably thinking to himself,
"Ugh, you think if I ask
"for my aligator back?"
Such a bad idea to throw it,
he didn't even put a
fanny pack on it like
maybe get some money
while you're in there,
I don't know.
So,
he drives off.
Yeah, and he gets arrested immediately.
He didn't even wear a mask.
Yeah, he was like, "I'm in Florida,
"people throw alligators,
"I'll probably get lost in the
shuffle."
Um no, he didn't.
They remembered him,
they arrested him
pretty hard afterwards.
The end of the article,
this is true, it goes,
"No one was injured,
"the aligator was safely released
"back into the wild."
And the very end of the article
it read,
"No drug involvement suspected."
Oh yeah, Florida?
That was your sober plan?
What does the non-sober plan
look like?
Do you ride a horse and
the aligator throws you?
What happens?
I make fun of aligator guy
like I have my life together,
but I don't.
There's no easy way to say this
but my life is not, it's not together.
My personal life isn't as good
as you think it might be.
And some of you are like, "Shane,
"your life has to be going well,
"look at you on stage."
Yeah, I'm living my dreams
and that's nice but
also my personal life, tatters.
Let me tell you, okay,
there's no easy way to say this
so I'm just gonna open up
and say it, okay.
I am 32-years-old and I
pooped my pants recently, okay.
Yep, not supposed to do that!
Uh.
I don't like the way some of you
are laughing, by the way.
If feel like you guys, just to clarify,
I didn't just do it like,
I wasn't just like watching Batman like
"Dah, this movie is good,
"I don't think I'm gonna make
it."
I didn't poop my pants freestyle
for the love of the game.
I had a reason.
Here's what happened, okay.
I had food poisoning.
Yeah, it could happen to anybody.
I had food poisoning,
I was parallel parking my car,
that's not a part of this,
that's mostly a humble brag
but I can parallel park my car.
So, I'm parking my car,
I had food poisoning and I coughed.
Yep, and it happened to me.
It happened, I pooped my pants.
Listen, you know how
sometimes you fart
and you're like,
"That was pretty gross, but I'm
okay."
Not that one!
Nope!
I pooped my pants so fast and so hard,
it was like somebody else
pooped my pants.
It was incredible.
By the way, didn't even know
that was one of the options
when you cough.
What, that can happen?
I've been pooping my pants
for 32 years.
Did I say pooping my pants?
I meant coughing.
Cut that one, cut that in post,
everybody.
We're going to cut that one out, okay.
Listen,
you guys don't know my life.
I've been coughing for 32 years.
Not once ever, after cough for 32 years
have I ever been like,
"Whoa!
"What was that?"
One of my friends was like,
"What just happened?"
I was like, "I coughed,
"I almost pooped my pants."
He's like, "Yeah, that can happen,
"gotta watch out for those."
Not once ever!
Like, the cough waited 32 years
and then betrayed me.
Like, once I was in ninth grade
and I was giving talk
in front of the class
and I coughed and my body was like,
"Do we do it now?"
And then puberty was like,
"No, we will embarrass him.
"You, hold back, wait 20 years,
"then take him out,
"right before he has to do
comedy."
Yeah, I was parking at a comedy club!
It was worse case,
so I get out of my car,
I can't get back into it,
it's not one of those.
I was like, "What do I, what do
I do?"
And I was like, my first plan was
to buy the pants off of a homeless guy.
But they are never there
when you need them, the homeless.
My second plan was to buy the shirt
off of a guy wearing two shirts.
But here's the thing, if you try
and buy
the shirt off of a guy wearing
two shirts
and you tell him you need it
'cause you pooped your pants,
he will run from you, so.
I was gonna wear it like a,
I don't know what I thought, anyway.
So I look across the street
and there's like a mall.
And I was like, I gotta get over there,
so I waddle over.
You know, yeah, it's a shameful walk.
People can tell, they can.
A kid tries to talk to me
and his dad is like,
"Get away from him!"
And this kid is like,
"Because of how he looks?"
And he's like, "No, other things, go!
"Get away."
So, I get into
the first clothing store I can get into
and the guy working there is like,
"Hello, how can we help you
today?"
I was like, "Come here,
"come here right now."
And he's like,
"Oh, what's going on, what is
it?"
And I was like, "Here's the deal man,
"I have fully pooped my pants."
And he just goes, "Excuse me!"
I was like, "Am I stuttering right now?
"Daniel, okay!
"I need you on team me right,
"there is no time.
"Do they not train you for
this?"
He's like, "What do I do?"
I was like,
"Go get me a pair of jeans this
second."
So he runs off and
he comes back and he goes,
"I have mediums and I have
larges."
And I was like, "Give me the
mediums!"
And he looks right at me and he goes,
"Do you wanna try those on?"
I said, "Do you think
"this is a game Daniel?"
"I need the key
"to your employee bathroom
"and an undisclosed
"amount of time, man.
"How many times you gonna
"make me say it,
"I have pooped my pants!"
In a weird twist of fate,
I am wearing those pants currently.
Thank you so much everyone,
have a great night!
please welcome to the stage
Shane Smith!
Thank you!
Goodness gracious.
How's it going everybody?
All right.
You guys are wild, this is good.
Let's get right into it, huh?
It's 2019 and my look
is less ideal than ever.
This is real!
Here's the deal.
I am a Jewish man but
I look like an accountant
for the Arian Brotherhood,
and I know that.
It's not, I didn't do it on purpose.
But I do, I look like the nerdiest guy
in the worst prison gang,
it's a problem.
It's a serious problem.
They're just like,
"He doesn't kill people
"he does read a lot though, he
does."
Oh man, it's fine though.
People are wild,
they surprise me all the time
with how wild they are.
Recently, I was in a shoe store
and I was just looking at shoes
and a dude comes up to me
and he goes,
"Oh, your face, that's crazy,
"I can't believe you did that!"
And then he goes,
"Dude, so what do you,
"like a tattoo artist?"
And I was like, "No man,
"I'm not good at art."
And he goes, "So just no job?"
Like there's no other options!
So it's like, "I can do work!"
He's like, "Oh, so what do you
do?"
And I was like, "Well
technically, no job,
"but still, come on man."
And then he goes,
"Well, if you need any help
"with anything, you let me
know."
I was like, "You work here!"
So disrespectful!
People are crazy disrespectful.
I live in New York.
Dudes, this is a thing
that's happening often,
dudes who wanna get my attention
in public,
they will combine with a
think I look like with prison
and yell it at me.
The other day a guy was like,
"Hey you!"
And I was like.
And he goes, "Yeah you,
"Harry Potter but make it prison,
"come over here."
It's like, "What?
"I'll come over but I didn't
like that."
This is true, the other day
I was sitting on the subway,
I was sitting, minding my own business,
this guys is scooting past me,
he looked up at me and
he stops and he goes,
"Hey, Jim from The Office
"did 10 years in prison,
"look at you."
I was like, "Did not like that
one!"
I was like, "That one was accurate.
Like, "Come on man,
"I'm trying to grow my hair out,
"let me live my life!"
People on the train were laughing,
he was killing!
And he goes, "Oh, so Pam left
"and you just snapped, huh?"
He has follow-ups!
Come on!
Yeah, just going hard.
I've been doing this,
which I shouldn't do,
I've been reading comments
on my videos online.
What a nightmare online is,
just in general.
This is real,
I've been noticing this in comments,
this is a new thing,
a new trend I've been noticing,
people, usually older people,
will be annoyed withy my tattoos.
Now, this is completely new,
they will see me and then be like,
"Ugh, I remember when
"having your face
"or your throat tattooed meant
"that you were a criminal,
"meant that you were dangerous.
"Now it just means you're a
hipster."
And I'm must like,
"Are you disappointed
"I'm not a murder right now?"
What is happening?
It's like you assume, firstly,
you're making assumptions
about who I am based on how I look.
And then when I don't
live up to them you're,
and like it makes no sense.
I'm furious,
I cannot win with these people.
And then, what's even crazier
is that I happen to have
gang tattoos on my face,
I used to be a criminal
when I was younger,
not always the case,
but in my case it is.
Sometimes I will tell people that
to stop them from being annoyed
with my tattoos
and then with so much confidence,
they'll just tell me, "No!
"No, you weren't a criminal.
"Listen, I've seen
"The Wire and Sons of Anarchy
"and you were not."
They're like experts now.
It's incredible,
I spent the entire first part of
my life
only wanting respect from
the scariest people you can imagine
and now I'm on Facebook arguing
with a 40-year-old woman named Joy.
She's just like,
"I bet you've never even
"stabbed anybody."
"What?
"I've stabbed two people in my
life!"
She's just like, "Not even three?
"I bet they both survived."
Oh my gosh.
These are the same people
who do stuff,
they'll be like,
"Aren't you worried
"about how you're gonna
"look when you're older?
"Look at all that,
"aren't you worried about
"how you're gonna look
"when you're older?"
And it's just like, "Okay, well,
"you're wearing dress socks
"with jean shorts,
"why don't you worry about
"how you look right now?
"How about that?"
Yeah.
Ah man, let's...
I've been traveling a lot,
I've been all over.
Recently I was in the south
and I was at a Denny's.
I was minding own business
and I looked over and
there's like a claw machine,
like one of those giant claw machines
you see, you know.
And I was like, "Ah man."
And then there was a lady
in front of the claw machine.
Okay, it was a big one,
where you win giant prizes,
and she was crying.
And I was like,
"Wow, that's seems like
"an over reaction
"to losing that game."
And my friends were like,
"No, you idiot, look."
And I paid more attention
and then she was crying
because her toddler
had crawled into the machine.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And he was stuck inside of it
and she was like,
"Come out for mommy."
And he was like,
"I live here now!
"I have all the prizes.
"Why would I ever leave?"
So she's hysterical
and she's just like,
"Someone call 911,"
like, "Someone call the police."
And I'm just like,
"Don't waste public resources, lady,
"now is your time,
"win him back, let's go!"
Right!
"The stakes have never been higher,
"let's do it!"
I was just like,
"Listen, I have $5, I can claw
your baby.
"Let me try, I can get him!
"I can get him."
She did not think it was
as funny as you guys did.
So, they called the police or whatever
and they brought the fire department
and they took the machine apart
and got the kid out.
And she was very snooty
about the whole thing.
But I was like,
"How funny would that have been
"if just some big,
"Italian firefighter showed up?"
And she was like,
"What are you gonna use
"the Jaws of Life
"to save my baby?"
And he's like,
"I have ten ones, let's do it!"
Cut to 40 minutes later,
he's like, "I'm out of money,
"I am so sorry for your loss.
"Will you take a life size
"Sonic the Hedgehog instead?"
It's good to be back here in the West,
I live in New York now,
I came back here for this
and to visit my family often.
It's also,
there's different challenges being here
than in the city.
Like for instance,
recently while I was here,
I hit a deer with my car.
Yeah, but it's not what
you guys think, okay.
I did it completely on purpose, now...
How that happened was,
I was driving,
minding my own business and
I'm going down the street
and I looked over and I saw
a dog and a deer in
a parking lot together, okay.
I was like,
"They're friends, like in
Disney."
But I was wrong,
they were not friends,
they were enemies and
they were fighting pretty hard, okay.
All right, I don't,
and I didn't even know,
the deer was hooving the dog,
I didn't even know they did that,
all right.
And the dog hated it
so the dog goes running away
from the deer to escape
and the dog comes running across
the street I'm driving down
and the deer comes
chasing after the dog
and I had a decision to make.
Yeah.
Listen, it was an
Australian shepherd, okay,
it's crunch time!
I hit that deer so hard with my car.
I swerved and everything.
Listen, I hit that deer like
my stepdad was riding it.
Do you understand?
That is what I like,
a crowd that is not a
fan of my stepfather!
Nobody likes you Joe!
I shouldn't use his real name
but whatever.
So,
by the way, I should not say this
but you guys seem cool,
so I'm gonna say it anyway.
Feels so good to hit something
that big with your car,
it was awesome!
Yes!
Listen, I didn't want to have to do it
but if I'm gonna do it,
it might as well be cool.
I don't know it felt cool
to hit something that big,
I get what old people are up to
in farmer's markets,
I get it.
Like, I understand,
now when I'm on the couch and
I'm watching the news and they're like,
"An elderly gentleman
"ran over six people
"and slammed his car
"into Best Buy today."
I'm just sitting there like,
"Live your best life grandpa,
"get in there.
"Yeah, you didn't fight in World War II
"not to hit someone with your car,
"get it."
So, listen I feel some of you
in the audience
being worried about the deer
and that's fair
but don't be, okay.
The deer is fine,
I drive a 2001 Saturn,
the deer is fine, okay.
Yeah.
It seems like you guys might know
a thing or two about cars,
that is not a good car.
Yeah, my car is so bad
that when I bought it
I parked it on the street and
that night
I assume some kids
spray painted the word "Wow"
on the side of it,
and I did not care, okay.
Yeah so I'm in my 2001 Saturn,
the dog runs past,
the deer is coming,
I slam on the gas,
I gave it everything I had.
All that happened, okay,
was the deer rolled up
onto the side of my hood on its side,
rolled back onto it's hooves,
and then just looked at me
like, "What was that about,
man?"
And I'm just in my car awkward like,
"I'm trying to kill you!"
The deer's just like,
"I don't need this."
And it left to go do
deer stuff or whatever.
So the deer is gone.
I'm sitting in my car,
I can't believe this just happened
and I realized the dog
is nowhere to be found.
The dog escaped, yes,
I'm an American hero.
I deserve this!
I know, it's like the troops,
then me, then firefighters.
I'm feeling very good.
This is literally the most
onboard anyone has ever been
with that premise.
I used to put myself above the troops,
even as a joke,
people were like, "Pull it back,
"you gotta be behind."
So, I'm feeling good,
I'm in the street,
I just hit a deer with my car,
I'm a good person.
I'm feeling great.
I'm jazzed up,
I'm like pumped up on adrenaline,
I just can't believe it happened,
I'm like dancing in my car,
I was like, "Ah, that was
crazy!"
And I look over and I see a family,
they're wearing their Sunday best,
like a mom and a dad.
They're pushing a baby stroller
down the sidewalk.
And I was like,
they probably saw everything.
They definitely wanna talk to me.
So I do a U-turn,
I pull up to them.
Have you ever seen a guy
pick up a baby stroller
to get away from you faster?
Yeah.
Yeah!
I'm just in my car like,
"What is this guy's problem?"
And then I realize, "Oh no,
they have no context
for what just happened.
They probably didn't even see the dog!
They just see some guy
in the middle of the city
with his face covered in tattoos,
driving the world's worst car,
just clobber a deer for no reason.
Then, that guy sits in the street
and thinks about it
for a while,
spots your family,
does a U-turn,
revealing the fact that
he has the word "Wow"
spray painted
on the side of his car,
struggles to get his window down
'cause he drives a 2001 Saturn.
And then he looks out
at your wife and kid
and just goes, "I'm a hero!"
He left so fast.
He left his wife, he did not care,
hustling.
Oh man.
I've been traveling a ton
this year for comedy,
which has been great.
I went to two places in particular,
I went to Austin and Portland.
Both places...
No, hold on.
Either way you're wrong,
both...
If you've seen me before
and I bring up a place,
I will say nothing good
about that place.
I'm not here to be like,
"They were great and moving on."
No, so I went to Austin and Portland
and they're not so bad
but here is a thing,
Austin and Portland, both cities where
their whole motto is "Keep It Weird"
and they're, "We're weird, ugh."
And I showed and like I'm a weird guy.
I love weird stuff,
I cannot wait to see
what I'm gonna see.
Nothing weird at all, okay.
I'm talking to people like,
"When does the weird happen?"
And they're like, "It's around."
It wasn't.
There's nothing weird happening
in either of those places.
I was like, "You guys have to,
"the bar has to be higher."
I live in New York,
once on the subway
I saw a guy, this is real,
only wearing the top half of
a SpongeBob costume, okay.
Yeah, and what,
what was he doing you ask?
He was wrestling...
Oh!
Another man, okay.
Who clearly didn't know him.
That guy he was wrestling
was just yelling out
over and over again, he goes,
"Sponge Bill, no!"
Yeah.
But no one on the train was helping,
there's everyone watching
like he seems like
he has it under control.
So if you're gonna be weird,
you gotta step it up.
Also, how dare Austin and Portland,
"Keep It Weird"
when, how dare they act
like they're weird
when they know Florida exists.
Yeah, it is just out there
doing what Florida does.
Last time I was in Florida,
this is real, by the way,
this is Googleable
information after the show.
I'm in Florida,
I'm walking past a newspaper stand,
I look into the stand,
the headline on the newspaper reads,
"Local man robs Wendy's with
aligator."
"What did you just say to me?"
I read it, I still said that out loud,
it was incredible!
And also, oh yeah,
that's all you wanna say,
you don't wanna add
any more to that?
Like, I don't know, maybe tell us
if the aligator was an accomplice
or a weapon, how about that?
For real.
Did this guy rob a Wendy's
with an aligator
or did this guy rob
a Wendy's with an aligator?
There's a huge difference.
Did he start a gang with an aligator,
throw a bandana on it?
He's like, "We're the aligator
boys now.
Let's get to a Wendy's
and make this official.
No.
So, this is happening,
I bought the paper
and I read the article and this
is real,
he used the aligator as a weapon, okay.
And when I read that I was like,
"Did he at least hold it like a
gun?"
Right?
He didn't, he threw it
through a drive-thru window!
Yep!
Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
You know who else didn't?
The lady
at the drive-thru!
So many things have to happen
before you can even throw an aligator.
You have to find it in the wild!
Also, by the way,
how horrible is Florida
that there is just
alligators available to you!
What was even his qualifying material?
Was he looking for a specific type?
Or are you just the first one he saw,
he was like,
"This is the one" and he took it,
that was it?
So this is real, this happened,
in Florida, a place connected
to the United States
where we are all living currently!
A grown man, with a driver's license
found an aligator that day.
He didn't even build a
relationship with it.
He takes this new aligator
and he seat belts it
into the backseat of his car.
I assume.
I just have no idea how else you
keep it
from getting into the front seat
and biting you, right.
I don't,
I don't
know if you guys know anything
about alligators but
they kinda just do whatever they want.
So he seat belts this
dinosaur into the back seat
and then he gets into
the front seat and he's like,
"Ugh, I gotta make some money
today."
Staring at the wheel,
"Ah, I could get a job,"
and he goes, "No, no time.
"Spent most my day
"on that aligator thing,"
Projects.
"I could rob someone."
He goes, "I could rob a place,
"'cause places have more
"money than someones.
"Rob a bank," and he goes, "No, no,
"they'll be expecting that."
He's thinking about it
and then he thought,
he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's.
They have money and chili,
that's the place.
So he drives his new aligator
to Wendy's, okay,
pulls up to the drive-thru,
and the lady at the drive-thru is like,
"Hello, how can I help you
today?"
And he goes, "Give me all the
money."
And she just goes,
looks right at him and goes,
"Uh, no!
"You didn't even come inside?
"You failed at this robbery."
And the dude is so mad and he goes,
"Give me the money in the register
"or I'll kill you!"
And she's from Florida
so she's not afraid of death
or whatever.
She looks down at him
and she's like, "No,
"if you had a gun you would of
"showed it to me already,
"I call your bluff.
"Get outta here crazy guy, goo,
go, go!"
And he's seething mad
at this point, furious.
And he's like, you know what,
"I don't have a gun
"but hold on."
And then he palmed an aligator
through the drive-thru window!
Yup!
He skipped so many steps
in that robbery.
If he had a list of things
he was supposed to do
he would of thrown the aligator,
looked down,
and just been like, "Oh no!
"I was supposed to threaten her
"with the aligator first."
By the way,
can you imagine being her?
Just telling this guy off and
he's like,
"You know what, I don't have a
gun."
And you're like, "Wow, nailed it,
"really doing it today."
And then he leans back
and starts unbuckling
the world's ugliest toddler.
Like "Ugh, hey,
"someone come and see, this is
wild."
And then you look back
and an aligator is flying.
Imagine being the car behind him!
Just, sitting there with your
girlfriend,
like, "What takes so long
"to make burgers here?"
She's on her phone, you're like,
"Do you even care?"
You look back from her and
then an aligator soars,
whoop, from window to window!
"Honey, get off your phone,
"they're throwing alligators
"into Wendy's!
"This guy is crazy!"
She's on her phone like,
"That doesn't make sense,
"they don't even serve
alligators here."
"What, why am I with you?"
So, this dude is sitting there,
awkwardly,
with no more alligators
left to play in the robbery.
Probably thinking to himself,
"Ugh, you think if I ask
"for my aligator back?"
Such a bad idea to throw it,
he didn't even put a
fanny pack on it like
maybe get some money
while you're in there,
I don't know.
So,
he drives off.
Yeah, and he gets arrested immediately.
He didn't even wear a mask.
Yeah, he was like, "I'm in Florida,
"people throw alligators,
"I'll probably get lost in the
shuffle."
Um no, he didn't.
They remembered him,
they arrested him
pretty hard afterwards.
The end of the article,
this is true, it goes,
"No one was injured,
"the aligator was safely released
"back into the wild."
And the very end of the article
it read,
"No drug involvement suspected."
Oh yeah, Florida?
That was your sober plan?
What does the non-sober plan
look like?
Do you ride a horse and
the aligator throws you?
What happens?
I make fun of aligator guy
like I have my life together,
but I don't.
There's no easy way to say this
but my life is not, it's not together.
My personal life isn't as good
as you think it might be.
And some of you are like, "Shane,
"your life has to be going well,
"look at you on stage."
Yeah, I'm living my dreams
and that's nice but
also my personal life, tatters.
Let me tell you, okay,
there's no easy way to say this
so I'm just gonna open up
and say it, okay.
I am 32-years-old and I
pooped my pants recently, okay.
Yep, not supposed to do that!
Uh.
I don't like the way some of you
are laughing, by the way.
If feel like you guys, just to clarify,
I didn't just do it like,
I wasn't just like watching Batman like
"Dah, this movie is good,
"I don't think I'm gonna make
it."
I didn't poop my pants freestyle
for the love of the game.
I had a reason.
Here's what happened, okay.
I had food poisoning.
Yeah, it could happen to anybody.
I had food poisoning,
I was parallel parking my car,
that's not a part of this,
that's mostly a humble brag
but I can parallel park my car.
So, I'm parking my car,
I had food poisoning and I coughed.
Yep, and it happened to me.
It happened, I pooped my pants.
Listen, you know how
sometimes you fart
and you're like,
"That was pretty gross, but I'm
okay."
Not that one!
Nope!
I pooped my pants so fast and so hard,
it was like somebody else
pooped my pants.
It was incredible.
By the way, didn't even know
that was one of the options
when you cough.
What, that can happen?
I've been pooping my pants
for 32 years.
Did I say pooping my pants?
I meant coughing.
Cut that one, cut that in post,
everybody.
We're going to cut that one out, okay.
Listen,
you guys don't know my life.
I've been coughing for 32 years.
Not once ever, after cough for 32 years
have I ever been like,
"Whoa!
"What was that?"
One of my friends was like,
"What just happened?"
I was like, "I coughed,
"I almost pooped my pants."
He's like, "Yeah, that can happen,
"gotta watch out for those."
Not once ever!
Like, the cough waited 32 years
and then betrayed me.
Like, once I was in ninth grade
and I was giving talk
in front of the class
and I coughed and my body was like,
"Do we do it now?"
And then puberty was like,
"No, we will embarrass him.
"You, hold back, wait 20 years,
"then take him out,
"right before he has to do
comedy."
Yeah, I was parking at a comedy club!
It was worse case,
so I get out of my car,
I can't get back into it,
it's not one of those.
I was like, "What do I, what do
I do?"
And I was like, my first plan was
to buy the pants off of a homeless guy.
But they are never there
when you need them, the homeless.
My second plan was to buy the shirt
off of a guy wearing two shirts.
But here's the thing, if you try
and buy
the shirt off of a guy wearing
two shirts
and you tell him you need it
'cause you pooped your pants,
he will run from you, so.
I was gonna wear it like a,
I don't know what I thought, anyway.
So I look across the street
and there's like a mall.
And I was like, I gotta get over there,
so I waddle over.
You know, yeah, it's a shameful walk.
People can tell, they can.
A kid tries to talk to me
and his dad is like,
"Get away from him!"
And this kid is like,
"Because of how he looks?"
And he's like, "No, other things, go!
"Get away."
So, I get into
the first clothing store I can get into
and the guy working there is like,
"Hello, how can we help you
today?"
I was like, "Come here,
"come here right now."
And he's like,
"Oh, what's going on, what is
it?"
And I was like, "Here's the deal man,
"I have fully pooped my pants."
And he just goes, "Excuse me!"
I was like, "Am I stuttering right now?
"Daniel, okay!
"I need you on team me right,
"there is no time.
"Do they not train you for
this?"
He's like, "What do I do?"
I was like,
"Go get me a pair of jeans this
second."
So he runs off and
he comes back and he goes,
"I have mediums and I have
larges."
And I was like, "Give me the
mediums!"
And he looks right at me and he goes,
"Do you wanna try those on?"
I said, "Do you think
"this is a game Daniel?"
"I need the key
"to your employee bathroom
"and an undisclosed
"amount of time, man.
"How many times you gonna
"make me say it,
"I have pooped my pants!"
In a weird twist of fate,
I am wearing those pants currently.
Thank you so much everyone,
have a great night!