Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Scoundrels - full transcript

So Charles Ponzi goes,

I come from Italy. I
try to make-a money,

but they tell me I
can't make-a money here.

Hey, this looks very [bleep] fishy.

Does that make any [bleep] sense?

Sadie is just head-butting
them in the stomach.

I'm Sadie the Goat!

Lord Gordon-Gordon was a con man.

He's [bleep] stealing from me!

I'd like to present you with some shots.

Cheers to scoundrels.



- Scoundrels.
- To scoundrels.

What was the big scam? Like, um...

Biggest scam ever growing up? Um...

"Blame It on the Rain," who are
those [bleep]... Milli Vanilli.

I still to this day, love those songs.

They, like, ten...

But it's not their...

Yeah, right.

"Blame It on the Rain."

"Blame in on the Rain." He's... lip...

he's lip syncing in heaven.

- Never forget.
- Never gonna.

Hello, I'm Chris Romano,

and today we're gonna be
talking about the man who Di...



hello, I'm Chris Romano,
and we're... toda...

hello, everybody.

I'm Chris Romano, and today
we're gonna be talking about

the man who brought
down the Ponzi schemes,

William McMasters!

So in 1919, Charles Ponzi
the Italian immigrant

arrived in the United States.

So he gets to Boston, and he's like,

man, what am I gonna do in Boston?

I love the city, but I
need to make the money!

Right? So he goes, uh,

what can I do? I'm... a...

I'm not a good person.

I... I love money.

Um. I got it.

[Bleep] stamps.

So Charles Ponzi creates the
Securities Exchange Company.

So he goes, I'm gonna
tell people that I...

I'm going to invest their money

in, uh, postal coupons.

So he gets these [bleep]
idiots in Boston to go like,

here, here's a hundred bucks.
Go get me some [bleep] stamps.

This is gonna be great.

I'm gonna be a millionaire from stamps?

It's f... yeah, let's do this.

So people started giving him money.

He gets person after
person after person.

So Charles Ponzi never
bought any stamps.

He was just like, I'm
just giving people money

from other people's money.

I'm giving the person who
gave me the money the second

to the money who gave him...

to the people who gave
me money the first time.

I'm giving people money

who gave me the money the third time,

giving them the money
for the second time.

Does that make any [bleep] sense?

Sì, sì, sì.

So eventually the editor
of "The Boston Post,"

Richard Grozier was
like, this sounds crazy.

We're gonna write a story about it.

So the editors of "The
Boston Post" are like,

"To who it may concern,

"All you idiots in Boston
who are buying these stamps,

"You're morons. This is a con.

Charles Ponzi is scheming you."

The next day, Charles Ponzi
opens up this giant paper

and goes, holy shit.

These mother[bleep] are onto me.

He goes, I know what
I'm gonna [bleep] do.

I'm gonna get a [bleep] publicist,

and I'm gonna [bleep] refute
all these [bleep] charges.

Guess what. I'm hiring a guy named

William McMasters.

So William McMasters comes in and goes,

all right, I'll sit down with you.

He sits down with Charles
Ponzi and Charles Ponzi goes,

I come from Italy. I
try to make-a money.

They tell me I can't make-a money here.

And he's like, don't you
[bleep] worry about it.

William McMasters is
on the [bleep] case now.

So William McMasters goes to

the [bleep] "Boston Post" and goes,

guess what, you mother[bleep].

I'ma invite you down here tomorrow.

And I'm gonna show you
that Charles Ponzi's

the real [bleep] deal.

The next day, "The Boston Post"
comes in to write an article

about Ponzi.

And Ponzi charms the pants
off "The Boston Post".

And they, in return, write
a very favorable article

about Ponzi and his, um, Ponzi, um,

Ponzi.

I'm trying...

Then... and... and... and the next day,

there's a [bleep] line around the block.

In that one day,

Charles Ponzi makes $3 million.

William McMasters sees that and goes,

hey, this looks very [bleep] fishy.

So he decides to investigate
more as what's happening.

So eventually, William
McMasters is going like,

oh, [bleep].

I think that the [bleep]
"Boston Post" was right.

This is all a scheme.

So he says to Charles Ponzi,

hey, I got a [bleep] great idea.

I'm gonna [bleep] get

the [bleep] Boston
district attorney's office

down here tomorrow

because I think that you're
the [bleep] real deal.

And I think you should show them

you're the real deal so they
can [bleep] leave you alone.

And Ponzi's like, that's
why I hired you, McMasters.

You're the [bleep] man.

Thank you, a-so much...

Thank you so much.

William McMasters only
worked for [bleep] Ponzi

for ten days, and in those ten days,

he figured out that Ponzi
was a [bleep] scam artist.

The district attorney's
office gets there,

and they start to interrogate him.

They go, we know that, uh,

you're not [bleep]
getting the [bleep] coupons

from [bleep] Italy.

He... he... he reflects
all their questions, says,

look, I can't give you the
details about my investments

'cause I don't want to give the...

the big banks of Wall Street my secrets.

Charles Ponzi convinces
the [bleep] dis...

Boston district attorney's office

and the attorney general's office

so much that he's doing nothing wrong

that as... on their way out,

one of the district attorney's
office little minions says

to [bleep] Charles Ponzi,

if all this shit is true,

you're the most
successful Italian-American

to ever come to America.

And Charles Ponzi says, me?

I think you're forgetting
about Christopher Columbus.

And the [bleep] minion goes, like,

oh, shit, yeah, [bleep] good one.

And he walks out the [bleep] door.

After the [bleep] meeting,

Charles Ponzi knows exactly
what William McMackster...

William McMaster was trying to do,

You tried to [bleep]-a get me.

I get you fired.

You're gone.

Greg Masters is like,

I'm about to break open
the biggest postal coupon

case in the history of Boston!

William McMasters goes to
Richard Grozier, he goes

again and says, you need to [bleep]

write an article about
this mother[bleep].

He is trying to [bleep] scam everybody.

You need to [bleep] write an article

about him to expose him.

And meanwhile, Charles
Ponzi's going like,

holy shit.

I got a [bleep] line
out the door now after

everybody [bleep] found out
about this [bleep] meeting

with the [bleep] attorney general

and the... and the
[bleep] district attorney.

Everybody wants their
[bleep] money back.

And he's goes, oh, no.

I don't have enough
money to pay everybody.

So he starts walking
down a line, going like,

here's your money.

Thank you very much for all the
[bleep] money for the coupons.

Here's your [bleep] money.

Thank you so much for
all the [bleep] money

for the [bleep] goddamn coupons.

Here's your [bleep] money.

Here's all the money
for the [bleep] coupons.

Looks at his [bleep] hand goes,

all right, well, uh, that's
about all the money I got.

The rest to you, thank you
so much for coming here.

I don't have any more
[bleep] money left.

Goes, [bleep] leaves, [bleep] takes off.

That's when the [bleep]
"Boston Post" goes,

holy shit. You were [bleep] right.

The next day, "The Boston
Post" runs a giant article.

And Richard Gross takes all the credit

and never mentions
William McMasters at all.

And they end up winning the
[bleep] Pulitzer Prize for it.

And William McMasters' name is forgotten

in the... in this case,

the Ponzi scheme.

The saddest story in the history

of Italian-Americans, besides

"Rocky III."

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History".

You're not gonna believe what you see,

but you're gonna believe what you hear.

Oh.

- This is Name That Song.
- 'Kay.

It's exactly the right note, by the way.

Oh, are you saying
you have perfect pitch,

- Derek Waters?
- Pretty much.

All right, ready?

♪ Baby! ♪

♪ Na-na Na-na Na-na, kissed by a rose ♪

Whoa!

- How'd you know that?
- I'm extremely talented.

Hello, I'm Hillary Anne Matthews.

And today we're going to
talk about Sadie Farrell,

AKA Sadie the Goat.

So the year is 1860-ish.

We're in Manhattan,
in the Lower East Side,

which is a grizzly locale.

So Sadie pitched a male accomplice.

And she was like,

hey, dude, what if

a guy comes out of a bar

and I will run up to him

and just head-butt him in the stomach

and disorient him?

And he was like, cool.

I will take a slingshot

and from a distance, knock him out.

And that's how she earned
the nickname "Sadie the Goat."

Because news flash,
goats head-butt things.

And Sadie is just running at them

and head-butting them in the stomach.

Slingshot!

And they made a lot of money.

They... like a decent living.

Like, it was like an honorable living.

You know, it wasn't like a super fancy,

really intense living.

- Wait.
- It was like...

It wasn't fancy?

- It wasn't fancy.
- The way they were living...

- No.
- Off head-butting people?

- Okay.
- So...

additionally, simultaneously,

there was a bar called
the Hole in the Wall.

And there was a bouncer.
Her name was Gallus Mag.

And Gallus Mag was 6-feet tall.

And additionally, she was a

badass bitch, for real and for truly.

One day, our girl, Sadie the Goat,

comes into the Hole in the Wall bar,

and she, like, encounters Gallus Mag.

And here's the thing about Gallus Mag,

she was British.

Here's the thing about Sadie the Goat,

she was Irish.

Here's the thing about that time period,

white-on-white racism.

So Sadie the Goat, who was,
like, a very mouthy individual

was like, umm,

the thing about British
people is that, like,

they, like, are... like, always like,

"Ugh. Big Ben..."

"Is, like, a big clock."

And Gallus Mag was like,

please dial back what you're saying.

And Sadie the Goat was just like,

well, additionally, beans on toast!

Gallus Mag was like,

you're being too crazy.

So she took Sadie the Goat by the ear

and she dragged her to the door.

And Sadie the Goat was like,

So Gallus Mag chomps off

her mo-effing ear.

And she puts it into a jar of alcohol.

And it was like such a great
trophy that she labels it,

"Sadie the Ears." Nope.

"Sadie the Goat's Ear."

And she put it on her trophy case.

At this point, Sadie
the Goat is very em...

embarrassed.

And she then witnesses

this gang called the
Charlton Street Gang.

And they're trying to commandeer

a small ship.

But they're doing a very, very bad job.

So she's like, you guys,

you're doing not a good job,

and because of me,

I can make you do a very good job.

And if you want to work together,

we can be more successful.

And they're like, okay, listen.

Sadie the Goat, that is your real name,

we... we're on board.

So they start cruising
up and down the Hudson.

And they are just, like,

stealing things and
pillaging small towns.

And she was like,

obviously I need to start
kidnapping people hardcore.

So she's kidnapping
people and she's like,

I don't care if your
loved ones love you enough

to pay your ransom. Like,

I am gonna make you
walk the plank right now.

And he's like, no, I'm so
sorry I back-talked you.

And she was like, I'm Sadie the Goat!

And then she, like,

drops him off the plank

and he splashes into the river like...

So they get the police involved.

And they lie in wait, and they're like,

okay, we're gonna get Sadie the Goat.

And when Sadie and the
gang members disembark,

they ambushed them.

And they really did some damage

'cause they were shooting a lot of guns.

And so Sadie and her gentlemen

suffered enough casualties
that, at the end of it,

Sadie was like,

yo, I got to pack it in.

So Sadie the Goat

returns to the Fourth Ward.

And she went to go visit Gallus Mag.

And she was like, hi.

Listen, I know I was, like, super crazy,

and, like, I'm so sorry for that.

It was my bad.

And Gallus Mag is like,

I have something for you.

And Sadie's like, what could it be?

And Gallus Mag presents her

with Sadie's ear.

And Sadie the Goat is like,

regardless of whatever
is between our legs,

we are... mmm...

really down to clown,
and, like, we are, like,

really down to, like,
really tear shit up.

And, like, I will
head-butt you in the stomach

and I will chomp your ear off

and, like, thank you for being a friend.

That's how we got the
"Golden Girls" soundtrack

song, Derek Waters.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ If you threw a party ♪

- Keep going.
- I... I don't know...

Yeah, neither do me.

One baby carrot.

Probably not what Sadie
the Goat used, but...

All right, wait. What...
what am I supposed to do?

Oh, oh, how many en...

Oh! [Bleep]!

Sadie the Goat!

- Do you want that in here?
- Yeah.

- Or do you want that separate?
- Yes, please.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

This is nice.

If you do all this, it's nice.

And I have no problems with you.

Hello.

I'm Rich Fulcher, and
today we're gonna talk about

Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Lord Gordon-Gordon was initially

a guy named Hubert Hamilton.

He was swindling all
these jewelers in London.

He stole about $100,000 from them.

And he's like, come on, mother-sucker!

He was not only a con man.

He took it to the next level.

Hubert Hamilton moved to New York

and changed his name
to Lord Gordon-Gordon.

Which is like, what?

So his whole scam was

he's pretending that
he's Scottish royalty.

He wore a kilt and that was
one of his big selling points.

He's like, I'm wearing
a kilt, ya [bleep], ya.

Oh, by the way I'm a collateral relative

of a Lord Byron and
cousin of the Campbells.

This guy is like "Catch Me If You Can"

meets "20/20".

I love that.

I can't... I want to know about that.

Lord Gord...

Oh. Lord Gordon-Gordon

is introduced to this
guy named Horace Greeley,

who was an editor of
the "New York Tribune."

And so Horace Greeley said, hey, listen.

My friend Jay Gould, this guy...

guy is the top of the New
York business community.

Jay Gould was

one of the biggest robber barons.

But...

he's got a problem
with the Erie Railroad.

So Horace...

Greeley comes to Jay Gould and says,

hey, I think I know a
guy who can help you out

with your Erie...

railroad problem.

His name is Lord Gordon-Gordon, which...

go with me, it's great.

He's, like, a real lord. He...

wears a kilt.

Underneath his kilt
is his dick and balls.

So the thing is this guy

has convlin...

convnnc... com...

convince.

Jay Gould was...

so paranoid about Erie
Railroad being taken over.

So Lord Gord...

Gordon-Gordon took advantage of it,

and said, hey, I own, like,

the major...

Majority of stock.

And Jay Gould says,

shit, you... you... you [bleep]!

The board of directors
are [bleep] me around

so if you could help me around.

Gordon-Gordon said,

I can help you...

but I need some money to do this.

And Jay Gould gave him

$160,000 in cash...

and the rest in stock.

Lord Gordon-Gordon
tries to sell the stock.

When Jay Gould realized
he had been swindled,

he's like, he's [bleep]
stealing from me!

Oh, [bleep] actual...

Mother[bleep]! God damn mother[bleep]!

He used his connections to
have Gordon-Gordon arrested.

He is being grilled on the stan...

stand by the judge.

He's citing off all of
his Scottish relatives.

I am part of the Campbells.

I am a collateral relative of
Lord Byron, blah, blah, blah.

And the judge is just
eating this shit up.

Right? Like, he's going,

Mm... nah, mm.

Mm, nom, nom, nom.

These stupid guys,

they gave him bail.

So that night...

Jay Gould calls up England and says,

do you know this guy?

They say, I don't know this guy.

And so Jay Gould goes,

tomorrow at... at quat,

which is court,

I'm gonna say that

he's not a nobleman or anything.

And it turns out that

Lord Gordon-Gordon
has gotten on the train

to Montreal!

He's on the...

He's on the run.

Nobody can find him.

Jay Gould puts a $25,000...

Ransom out on his ass.

_

Ah...

ah... ah...

Um, the guy...

Oh, so what happens was

word got out to Lord Gordon squared

that these guys were gonna catch him.

And he knew his number was up.

So he decided to throw a big Winnipeg.

He decided to throw a big party.

He had a... the all
the high-society people,

and they're all, like, crazy.

Like, yes, this is great.

And then all of a sudden,

lawmen show up, and they say,

we're looking for Lord Gordon-Gordon.

And Lord Gordon-Gordon
looks at them, and he says,

hold on, I've got to
get me Tam o' Shanter.

It's a Scottish hat.

All of a sudden, they hear a gunshot.

Lord Gordon-Gordon

shot himself in the temple and died

from the gunshot.

So, anyway...

Oh, I thought that was
the end of the story.

No.