Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Charleston - full transcript

- South Carolina.

Fuck you.
You love slavery.

- Preston Brooks is just like,

this dude is fucking slandering
my state.

- No, we still
have work to do here, you know.

Fuck you.

I'm getting, like, drunk now.

- Robert Smalls
is piloting the ship

past Confederate troops,

I will bring
all of us to freedom.

Um, what are we talking
about now?



♪♪

- We're just... we're proud
of where we're from, you know.

- When you go anywhere else
and somebody be like,

where you from?

I'm from
Charleston, South Carolina, man.

You know what I mean?

- So Charleston is a palpable...

Palpable energy
here in the city.

- Charleston is a city
that's been destroyed

by every creation known to
mankind outside of a volcano...

and yet, still thrives
under the idea

that if it's that bad,
have a drink.

- This bottle's finished, so we
are gonna go to another bottle.

Cling!



Do you guys rather this be,

"Hello, today, we're going to
talk about Charles Sumner,"

"Hello, we're gonna talk about
the caning of Charles Sumner,"

or "Hello, today,
we're gonna talk about

Charles Sumner and
Preston Brooks"?

- I think Charles Sumner.

- Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk about
the caning of Charles Sumner.

- In the middle of the 1800s,
Kansas is up for whether or not

it's going to be a slave state
or a free state.

Charles Sumner is a senator,
an anti-slavery radical.

And Charles Sumner gives
a speech entitled

"The Crime Against Kansas."

He basically says,
Kansas is being raped by

the perpetuators of slavery
who want it to be a slave state.

Then he starts making
personal attacks.

He says, oh, Andrew Butler,
South Carolina,

who normally sits next to me,
but uh-oh, you had a stroke.

You are not here.
Guess what.

You are a fucking pimp

for the prostitute of slavery.

Oh, you know who's
in the chamber that day?

Preston Brooks, representative,
South Carolina.

Andrew Butler's second cousin.

He's like, this dude is fucking
slandering my state.

He's slandering my family.

He says, uhhh...

and the Southern code of honor.

I can't let this shit just
fucking transpire.

What am I going to do?

I can't challenge him to a duel
because only gentlemen duel,

and Charles Sumner's
no gentleman.

Oh, shit.

I was just given a brand-new

11 1/2 ounce gutta-percha cane

with a gold head.
I'll beat him with that.

May 22, 1856.

He walks down
the aisle of the Senate.

He's five fucking feet
from Charles Sumner

and he looks up and realizes

there's a lady in the chamber.

And he's like, oh, fuck.

I can't beat Charles Sumner
in front of a lady.

And he sits across the aisle.
He leaves.

He's like,
no, I'm not doing this thing.

And then everyone's just like,
you got to do the thing,

and he walks back in.

Fucking Charles Sumner,
he's near-sighted.

He's like, oh,
that's all blurry and shit.

Fucking Preston Brooks is like,

I read your speech twice,
and guess what.

It's a fucking libel
against South Carolina

and it's a libel
against Andrew Butler.

And guess what.

He's a fucking cousin of mine.

And whack!

Beats him so hard
on the fucking top of the head

that he goes blind.

Laurence Keitt comes in.

Let them be, he said.

All told, Brooks beat Sumner
over the head

30 fucking times with his cane.

Charles Sumner is bloodied,
beaten, but he doesn't die.

The North is like,
what the fuck?

The South is like, yeah!

That's how we does!

Preston Brooks is
an immediate celebrity.

Charleston merchants buy him
a cane inscribed with the words,

hit him again!

And he's like,
I was defending my state.

Eat a dick.

Which dick?
This dick.

Y'all fucking worry about this
water spilling on the drum.

About 1858, Sumner, he's, like,
so fucked up he can't walk.

He meets Dr. Brown-Sequard.

He lights fire cotton
on his back.

He's like, oh, pain moves
around your body.

Bada-boop, bada-beep.

Guess what.
I don't know anything.

And every time,
Charles Sumner is like...

every bit of anguish,
every bit of pain that I feel,

I will return to
the perpetuators of slavery

10,000 times!

Fuck slavery!

And in 1860, he finally gets
to give a speech

on the floor of the Senate
after he returns,

called "The Barbarism
of Slavery" in which he says,

say that you own the sun.

Say that you own the moon.

Say that you own the stars.

But don't say that you own
a man,

because when the fucking

sun and moon
and stars have died,

a man's soul
will live on forever.

The moral of the story is

you should fight
for what you believe in.

And if what you believe in
is that

human beings are human beings,

then you should fight to your
death to defend that

because... slavery's bullshit.

- First thing he did was
he integrated his courtroom.

Everybody sits together.

Black person there,
white person there.

I feel like shit.
- Yeah, I know.

- Like I want to throw up.

- They're not going to recognize
me in this outfit.

You want me to...

- What is an oyster?

You're looking at it.

How about this one, Goat?

- No good.
No, that ain't no good.

That ain't nothing.
No.

- That's for the birds.

And the bees.

I think I'm stuck.

Oh!
How about this one, Goat?

- What?
No good.

- Nothing says Charleston
more than this.

- You're right.
- Oystering, moonshine.

Hi-ho silver.

- I want to cheers to courage.

- Let's have courage.

- Cheers.

- Wow.
That was courage.

- Yeah, it hurt a little bit.

Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk
about Waties Waring.

Waties Waring was an
8th generation Charleston guy.

He was a judge.

This was this guy's life.

I'm in Charleston.

I love it.
I make money.

I have my beautiful wife.

We're rich people.

Look at all our rich friends.

But he lived in this place
where segregation

was the way that it was.

I mean, we're fine
with each other

but black people go over there,
right?

That makes sense.

He and his wife
started playing bridge

with this couple, the Hoffmans.

Elizabeth Hoffman.

She was from Detroit,

she was incredibly smart,

and she was
the life of the party.

He's never known a woman like
this before in his entire life.

And he's like,
what are you about?

There's this thing
that starts happening

where they're just flirting
between bridge hands.

Like, Elizabeth, it's your hand.

You know what I mean?

Oh, Waties.
You're so funny.

He realized he was
in love with Elizabeth

and he... he confronted his wife,
Annie, and he was like,

hey, remember Elizabeth?

I'm sleeping with Elizabeth.

Sorry, I'm getting like,
uh, drunk now.

So he married Elizabeth,

and they were ostracized
from Charleston society.

You're not Charleston anymore.

You're a Yankee.

You're an asshole.

No one likes you.

And all they have left
is each other.

And so Elizabeth starts going
to Waties' court cases.

She starts going, oh, shit.

Maybe all these cases
where the white people won,

some of the black people
got screwed over, you know?

And Waties was like, yeah,
but that's the way it's al...

It always has been.

And she was like, yeah,

but... but black people
are people though.

And he was like, yeah,
black people are people,

but like, in, like,
a different way.

And she said, that's gross.

We're going to get dinner
with some black people.

And he said, white people don't
get dinner with black people.

And she was like, no, but we do.

We're those kind of
white people.

And he was like, all right.

I love you,
but I'm telling you right now,

it's really not normal
for white dinner...

White people to get dinner
with black people.

I feel like shit.

- Yeah, I know.
- Like I want to throw up.

- If you want to go throw up,
you can.

We're very open-minded here.

Do you want to just get
some fresh air?

Take a little walk?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Just a little bit
and then we'll walk back up.

- Sure.
- Does that sound good?

- So she made her husband get
dinner with a black couple,

and it was awkward as hell.

Just like,
hey, what'd you do today?

And they were like,
I don't know.

Several people
threatened my life.

And they were like,
oh, that's interesting.

But then Elizabeth made Waties
keep doing it.

After the second time
and the third time,

it became more regular.

And it was like, oh, right.

We're all people, you know?

He started to understand

that black people
were incredibly subjugated.

Maybe we need to do something

about this segregation thing,
you know.

- This is a really good area.

- I moved here because
the last place I lived,

my friend got stabbed
while he was getting a hand job.

- No!
- Yeah, that happened.

- Did he come?

- I don't know.
I didn't ask.

First thing he did was
he integrated his courtroom.

And he was like, no, no, no.
Everybody sits together.

Black person there,
white person there.

Then black person there,
then white person there.

Be friends.

Quit being assholes.

Just be friends.

Then he ruled that
black teachers have to be paid

the same as white teachers,
which is, uh, crazy.

The next really big one,

he ruled black people are now
allowed to vote in primaries.

And that just, like,
set Charleston on fire.

Someone threw a brick
through their window one night.

The KKK burned a cross
on their lawn.

It got so bad,
there was a petition

that 21,000 people signed
that said hey, Warings,

here's $10,000.

Take this and move anywhere.

They're like, no, we still have
work to do here, you know.

Fuck you.

And then
Briggs v. Elliot happened...

Thurgood Marshall trying
to prove black kids

are not getting the same
education as white kids.

And there were three judges.

One of them was Waties Waring.

The other two were like,
yeah, segregation is great,

everything about this
is amazing,

so who cares if they're equal?

So they lost and schools were
not integrated in the South.

Waties is like, well, I'm not
going down without a fight.

And he writes
this 20-page dissent.

Basically what he said was,

everyone in Charleston
is an asshole.

You cannot be okay with the fact

that black people are separate
from white people.

This is a nice town.

I grew up here my entire life.

Why do we punish
half our citizens?

Stop punishing them.

Just be nice.

#BeNice.
You know?

And that was it.

And they moved to New York.

Man, can I just tell you guys
how happy I am

to not be as throw-uppy
as I was, like, 45 minutes ago?

That shit sucked... so bad.

It wasn't until 1954...

He seriously changed
all of history.

When the Supreme Court
made their decision

in a case called
Brown v. Board of Education,

they were like, dude,
because one lonely judge

in Charleston, South Carolina,
says that black kids

are not getting the same
education as white kids,

and he's proving it,

the entire country
should be integrated.

They based their entire decision
on the fact

that Waties said
segregation sucks.

That dude ate it for years
because he believed

that black people were
the same as white people,

and that he was
in love with his wife.

And I think
that's really incredible.

- You seem a million times
better than you did.

- Yeah, well, I threw up...
in the fucking toilet.

So that makes sense.

I literally just drooled
on the floor.

- I mean, a judge lives
sort of a solitary life.

I know.
I used to be one.

- But because of Waties,
what happened?

- Our country changed.
- Yes. Yeah.

- Changed for the better.
- Right.

- And he was the start of it.

- Waties just started
thinking differently.

- He started
thinking differently.

- Yeah.

- What in the world is...
What is this, Goat?

Is this a clam?
- What is it?

Is that a clam?

- How'd that get in there?

- That's the truth.

- I'm not doing Scotch tonight.

I've done Scotch for every
Drunk History

that I've done so far.

I'm not doing Scotch.
I switched.

I'm doing Jager bombs.
I'm gonna stay alert.

Hi.
I'm Mark Gagliardi,

and today, we're going to talk
about Robert Smalls.

When Robert Smalls
was 12 years old,

his father, Henry McKee,
the plantation owner,

was like, listen, my son...

That I'm not allowed
to tell anybody is my son,

but really, you're my son...

You are specialer
than the other slaves.

But you keep getting in trouble.

We think that the best thing
for you right now

is if we send you to Charleston.

And Robert Smalls is like,
oh, I'm sorry.

You're my fucking slave owner

and you're going to send me
to Charleston

where I can learn
an actual business trade?

Yeah, that sounds like
a good idea.

And he spent seven years
being a crewman

onboard all of these
different vessels

that traveled around
these Charleston waterways,

including the Confederate ship,
the Planter.

At this point,
the Civil War has broken out.

The officers, they turned
to Robert Smalls

and they were like, listen, man.

Don't tell anyone
we're going to go onshore.

Keep an eye on the ship
while we're gone.

And Robert Smalls is like,
sure, man,

I fucking got this.

You don't have to worry
about me.

And Robert Smalls thought
to himself,

these guys just went
to go get some hookers.

These two other guys,

who aren't
the guys getting hookers,

also went to get hookers.

I basically have this ship
to myself.

And he says, hey, man.

This is the perfect opportunity
for us to steal this ship

and get over to the Union side.

Here's what I want you to do.

Go get my family
and go round up the families

of the other two seamen
on this vessel.

And I will bring all of us
to freedom.

- Mark.
- What?

- You remember at
the beginning of this

you said you were not going to...

- I promised you I was not going
to lay on my stomach tonight.

- And what happened?

- Probably this.

I'm fighting.
Here I come.

- Cue Eye of the Tiger.
- All right.

I only do this
in honor of Robert Smalls.

God damn it,
what are we talking about?

Once Robert Smalls
had taken control of the ship,

Smalls thought to himself,

I'm still going to have to make
it past five Confederate forts.

Luckily, I look enough like
the captain

when I wear the hat
and his jacket.

And I have
the Confederate code book,

which means I know
what signals to throw up

in order to get us
through the harbor.

So Robert Smalls is
piloting the ship

past Confederate troops.

So he got to the first one
and was like, toot-toot-toot.

And they thought,
there's a white guy

trying to pass through.

Let's just wave at him.

And he made it through.

All right.

So he made it through
five Confederate signals

all the way through
to the gates of Fort Sumter.

Not only did the guy
at Fort Sumter say,

all right, let's let
the Planter through,

the guard at Fort Sumter said,

hey, you go kill yourselves
a couple of Yankees.

And it was only at dawn
that the Confederates realized,

hey, maybe this isn't quite
on the level,

and they start lobbing
cannon fire.

And as he is barreling
towards Union forces,

he thinks, oh, my God.

I've got to do something
to make sure

that these Union forces
don't think

that I am coming
to confront them.

- Are we gonna do this thing
from the floor, man, really?

- I want you to be comfortable,
so we'll do it wherever.

- I'll do it from the floor.

As he is barreling towards
these Union forces,

Smalls turns to his wife
and says,

I told you to bring a bed sheet.

Did you bring a bed sheet?

She's like, honey,
I brought us a bread sheet.

- Hey, Mark,
let's just have some water.

Just take a quick break
and just drink some water.

- Are we getting in a fight?

- Not at all.
- Why... what?

- You're okay.

- What do you want to know,
baby?

- The next part.

- He hoisted the sheet
as a white flag of surrender.

He pulls up to
the U.S.S. Onward and he says,

hey, man,
I hung... I hear Uncle Abe

could use a transport ship.

This was a big deal.

And Lincoln's like,
all right, man.

That's great.
Here's $1,500.

Hey, here's a quick question.

Do you think that you could get
some fucking Union guys

like some... some... some
celebri... some celebrities?

Wha... what's the word
I'm looking for?

Some celebrateds?

What's the word I'm looking for?
Some, um...

- Mark?

- Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Hold on.

Not celebrities.

Some soldiers.

He was the first
to enlist 5,000 blacks

in the Union Army.

So the end of
the American Civil War.

Civil War...

and he had just enough money.

- What?

- Not only did Robert Smalls
steal a boat

and fucking get his freedom,

not only did he serve five terms
as a U.S. congressman...

after the war, Robert Smalls
went into South Carolina

and said, hey,
see that house over there?

That's the house I want to buy.

Which house?

That one.

I'm going to buy
the McKee house.

The last time that he was
in that house,

he was owned by another person.

This time,
motherfucker owned the house.

- Mark.

- Mm-hmm?

- Robert Smalls.

- Yeah, man.

- Do you like him?
- I love him.

♪♪

- That's me good-bye.
You will see me no more.

- That's a nice good-bye.
No, I'm going to see you again.

You don't think I will?
- Well, if you don't,

I'll run overboard
with Gladys Knight

and get me a couple of Pips.