Drunk History (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Boston - full transcript

[patriotic music]

- What I want is everyone
to understand

is what Mary Dyer fucking did
to the Puritan dudes.

She freaked
their dicks off, okay?

- There was two gentlemen
dressed as police officers.

You're under arrest

for the blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

- He went by "Johnny Cool."

He burnt down over 200 houses.

My pronunciation is...

I'm sorry,
my pronunciation is bad.



- It's fine.

- You can understand me?
- I can understand you.

- You can understand?
- Yeah.

♪♪

- As I look back on it,

I'm so glad I'm from Boston.

Because the most badass...

We started this country.

Fuck you,

we're from England,

but also we have
our own thing going on.

This is the real fucking shit...

you know, is Boston
and people from there.

Here's the thing,



I'm not, like, standing
really good,

but I'm gonna do a good job.

But I need people to understand

that I didn't drink
all of this, 'cause I...

- No, we know.
- Already had a bottle.

So why would I have two?
- Yeah, exactly.

- Okay, wait, just let me
get serious for a minute.

[exhales]

Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk
about Mary Dyer.

Mary Dyer
and her husband William

moved to Massachusetts
from England,

and they were Quakers,
which is more liberal Puritans.

So William and Mary are like,

this is fuckin' fun and great.

The Puritans are the people
that settled New England

in the 1600s.

Puritans were like,
the Bible is the word of God.

Like, literally, God dictated
some notes to his secretary.

Mary was just like,

I've got a little bit
of a different take on it.

Hey, you know, this thing
the Holy Spirit

we keep hearing about?

That's within you.

Oh, my God,
the Holy Spirit's right here?

Yeah, you can just talk to it.

Oh, my God, hey, Holy Spirit.

The thing is,
what she's doing is illegal.

There is no separation
of church and state.

So the guys that ran
New England were like, no.

No, no, no.

Don't go just saying, "Oh,
here's my interpretation of it,"

and have women over for tea.

No, you're undermining
the whole thing.

Okay, so Mary was banished.

She's like, fine, no big deal.

Banish me.
I'm going to Rhode Island.

And what I want
is everyone to understand

is what Mary fucking did
to the Puritan dudes.

She freaked their dicks off,
okay?

- [laughing] What?
- Because you don't understand.

They're like, um,
didn't we tell you to leave?

She's like, uh, yeah, you did,

but I'm not trying to be a dick,

but I'm coming back to ask you,

can you please just have...

You don't have to, like,
be into it,

but can you please
have religious tolerance?

And they're like, no.

You know, they said,
we're gonna fucking kill you.

We're gonna strangle you,
noose you.

What do you call that?
Kill you.

Kill yourself.
Murder you.

Gallows.

- She's gonna get hung.

- Mary was gonna get hung.

[ominous music]

She's walking with a guy
to the gallows.

And they literally...
The noose is around her neck.

And they were like, Mary,

if you promise to leave
Massachusetts Bay Colony

and never come back, you can go.

And she was like, okay.

And they were like, all right.

They take the rope off
around her neck,

and they let her go.

Mary did an amazing thing.

Oh!
[laughing]

Do you think I should get up?

Mary Dyer comes back
to Massachusetts and says,

I'm gonna deal with these laws
to their bloody face.

I'm gonna bloody deal
with these laws

in the face.

In other words,

I'm confronting this shit

head-fucking-on.

Honestly,
laying on the floor like this

is one of the best times
I've had in a long time.

- [laughing]

- So Mary... she's visiting
Quakers in prison.

They were like,
thank you, Mary, for coming,

'cause we get that you get
what we're going through.

She's like, totally.

So the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts

was like,
stop visiting prisoners.

Stop acting like it's okay.

We gotta fucking kill you.

So he walked her to the gallows

on Boston Common in 1660.

And they put the noose
around her neck.

So she had the rope
around her neck,

like, about to die.

She said, no ear can hear,

no tongue can taste,

no heart can understand...

the joy...

Something like, the joy...

Fuck.
I don't fucking know.

The joy and the treasures
of the blessings

and the refreshments.

I don't get what that is.

But the refreshments of God

that I have, starting
right this fucking now.

[triumphant music]

And then they hung her.

Everyone's watching.
They're like,

oh, my God.
We're on the Boston Common.

We're on... Watching someone die.

That's your problem
for being a sick fuck.

And then King Charles was like,

excuse me, what the fuck
is everyone doing

over at Massachusetts?

I didn't say this shit
should get so crazy.

Don't kill people.

That makes you look more
like a pussy,

if you didn't know,
by the way, dudes.

But she changed the world.

But you'll never hear about it
anywhere but here.

- Well, now...

- [crying]
She's in an unmarked grave

on the Boston Common.

And you know whose grave
is marked?

Fucking Jim Morrison.

People fly to Europe to see it.

And he wrote horrible music.

[patriotic music]

- So these guys steal,

like, hundreds and millions
of dollars’ worth of art.

They took a knife
and just went like, fuck you!

Like, boom, boom, boom, boom!

- This is the outline
of Massachusetts.

This is... this is...
Cape Cod, right there.

- And then it's gonna go like...

- It has to be like
the "hey!"

- Yeah.
- So trace it out.

- Now, how did you learn this?

That that's all you had to do
to figure out...

- Everyone from Massachusetts
is like,

"Hey, which part of the cape
are you from?"

that's a fucked-up-looking
Massachusetts.

[cheers and applause]

[gunfire]

- Jesus!

What's your favorite
Boston story?

- Uh, it's gotta be
the Boston Tea Party, right?

I think that's
what Boston's all about.

You know,
rebelling what you believe in.

Boston Tea Party, you know?
Crowd: Ooh!

- Are you fucking out
of your mind?

- All right,
we got a little fight here.

Let's get this fight.

This is what... about... Believe in

what you believe in.

- There's a ton of history here.

You're gonna walk the Red Line,

the North End...
- You're being boring.

- And see the historical stuff.

- So the day was...
- Erin'll tell the story.

- Yeah, I'm good at that part,
Michael.

- Are you guys married?
- Yes.

Both: We are.
- Three years.

- No one can tell.

So at the, um, Isabel Gardner...

- The Isabella Stewart Gardner
Museum...

- Museum.
- Okay.

- A few blocks away
from where we are right now.

- Yeah, Isabella's
a very eccentric woman.

She was sort of like,
I'm gonna wear a headband

when no women wear headbands.

And she thought that, fuck life,

I'm going to do
something awesome.

And so she built this museum.

I mean, she had, like,
thousands of pieces of art

that were
from these most "extrensive,"

like, places of... of world.

So do you want me to go to 1990?
- Yes.

[classical music]

♪♪

- The story "perleads"

that, uh,
there was two gentlemen, um,

that were dressed
as police officers

that went to the building
of Isabella Stewart.

They rang the doorbell,

and they said, um,

there is a disturbance
of teenagers

we heard around the building.

We just wanna make sure
that everything's okay.

The security guard said,

well, I'm not really
supposed to allow anyone in,

but I will, like, allow this
because you're police officers.

Which is insane!

And he said,
Mr. Ba-ba-ba-ba,

there's a warrant out
for your arrest.

You're under arrest
for the blah, blah, blah, blah.

And he was, like, so shitted

that he was like, okay, like...

something's happening.

So I gotta, like, kinda say,
hey, what's going on?

So he moved.

And as soon as he moved, they...

Boom, boom, boom... tackled him.

What was so crazy was...

Okay, they, like, called
the other guy on security.

They had him
call on security and say,

you... you need to come down here.
Something's happening, like...

So this guy came in.

So they taped him up,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Duct taped their mouths.

They realized that Isabel
was so smart in her time

that she, like, literally, like,

secured the art to the wall.

- They couldn't get...

- They panicked!
They panicked! They panicked!

Oh, shit.
We gotta get outta there.

So what was even crazier was,

they took a knife
and just went like,

fuck you!

Like, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Crazy, you know?

Like, they were just like,
fuck it.

They were like idiots.

They cut it out!

And were like,
oh, let's roll it out

and sell it on, like,
Canal Street in New York.

- Like, they took out
razor blades?

- Yeah, so fucking, like...

- Cut the art off.

- Like...
thug, like, nation.

So these guys go through.

They steal, like, hundreds
and millions of dollars

worth of art.

So this FBI guy came in,

and people reported these guys
were, like, around 35 years old,

like, 5'10".

Like, these policemen
that got in this car...

It's insane,
like, you know what I mean?

Like, it's crazy.

And he's like,
I've seen Rembrandts appear

at these Chinese restaurants
in the bathroom before.

Or, I've been in Paris,

where I've been
in this underground tunnel,

and there's been
a picture of Monet.

So what was even crazier

was every lead was dead,
dead, dead, dead, dead.

And he was just like,

I have never experienced
something like this.

I have never...

like, ever in my life
not been able to follow up.

'Cause he used to be...
He worked for the FBI.

He worked
in the art theft situation.

The art has never resurfaced,
ever, in its time.

And which is so rare
that, like...

- 22 years,
with a $5 million reward.

- Somebody, somewhere,
in some Southie place

is holding that Rembrandt
up in some frame somewhere.

And that's what happening.

They were either idiots,
they were con men,

they were just fucking stupid,

or they were brilliant,

but they never made it
to the fourth floor.

Because that's where
all the expensive art was.

- I understand how the Isabella
Gardner Museum must feel.

- Why?

- I think
I was, like, eight or nine,

and some kid took
my whole, like...

At least $100 worth
of Pokemon cards.

Holographic Charizard,
which is rare.

Blastoise, the Professor Oak
first edition.

That was when Pokemon
was really big,

and, like, I... Thank you.

[patriotic music]

- They meet up with the guy.

The guy says,

I need you to burn this place
to the fucking ground.

I owe a lot of money on it.

Stay tuned for across America,
for Drunk History.

2004.

It doesn't get any better
than this.

♪♪

- [laughs hysterically]

- Um, I was born

in... Boston.

Here's the thing
that I love about Boston.

Here's the thing
that I love about New England.

We were

in charge of our own destiny.

I want a fucking...
I want a drink.

And I'm not gonna fucking stop
until I can get, like...

Give me something...

- I'm gonna... You just suck this
out of the straw.

- Okay.

- 'Cause I don't want you
dropping it.

It's slippery.

- [slurps]

- [laughing]

Is there more Coke
or Jack in that?

- Correct.

I'm ready to talk.
I can talk still.

Hello.

My name's Chris Romano,

and we're gonna talk
about Johnny Cool,

who happened to be
the most famous arsonist

in the history of Massachusetts.

- Who was he... to you?

- He's my dad.

[laughter]

My mom said to me,
when I was 14,

your dad's not
who he said he was.

And I said, what do you mean?

Your father was an arsonist
in the '70s.

I said, I don't really know
what that is...

at all.

Anything that you could get
for insurance,

you burn it down.

Because of that,

we were put in
the witness protection program.

Now, I said, what?

And she said, you're in
the witness protection program.

Your real last name's
not Romano.

It's Shaheen.

You're not really Italian.
You're Lebanese.

And I was like, aw, ma...

Aw, man.

My dad is known for burning down

the most amount of places

in the history of New England.

My dad's real name
was John Shaheen.

He went by "Johnny Cool."

But the thing is,

they called my dad
and his partner Georgie

the Gold Dust Twins.

My pronunciation's...

I'm sorry,
my pronunciation's bad.

- That's fine.
- You can understand me?

- I can understand you.
- You can understand?

- Yeah.

- Georgie was like,
I got this job.

We should go do it.

What do you need me
to burn down?

One of the biggest
hotel constructions

in New England.

This is perfect.

So they go to the hotel.

They meet up with the guy.

The guy who hired him says,

I need you to burn this place
to the fucking ground.

I owe a lot of money on it.

I put too much money
into the rooms.

I put too much money
into the carpets.

I put too much money
into the kitchens.

I put too much money into the...

Into the drapes!

And my dad says, no problem.
I'm the best.

That's why you fuckin'
had me come here.

So... so my dad burnt that...

hotel down.

[rock music]

♪♪

And what was crazy
about my dad was,

while the place was burning,
he would stick around

and watch it burn down
with the fire department

and everybody else,

and go, wow, that's a fire, huh?

And people would go,
yeah, that's a fuckin'...

crazy-lookin' fire.

And he'd go, whoo!

Fucking thing is... looks hot.

Um... [drink spills]

[laughing]

- Where are you going?
Oh!

[laughs hysterically]

Chris Romano.

[patriotic music]

- The investigator said,
just tell who you work with,

and, you know, we can make this
very, very easy for you.

[indistinct chatter]

- How much would it cost

to get you
to set something on fire?

- Like, literally,
I'll do it right now for free.

- Do you have any fireworks?

- I do, at my house.

[rock music]

- Why do you keep moving it?
- I'm not trying to.

♪♪

- In 1979,

my dad was arrested
for counterfeit money.

And he said, counterfeit?

Um, that's nothing.
Let's talk about arson.

The agent's like, okay.

I burnt down over 200 houses.

100 cars, 100 boats, hotels.

Liquor stores.

I'm, uh, fuck... I'm good
at fuckin' burning shit down.

The agent was like, excuse me.

Um, this guy
just is fucking telling...

He just broke open
the biggest arson case

in the history of Massachusetts

that we've been trying
to solve for ten years.

I'm not gonna be home for dinner
or breakfast or lunch.

The investigator said,

you can go straight,

and we're going to give you
that opportunity to go straight.

Just tell us who you work with,

and, you know, we can make this
very, very easy for you.

He just found out that my mother
was pregnant with me.

So he ratted on his best friend.

He ratted on everybody
he ever burnt down a house for.

And that caused everybody to go,
well, I wanna kill you...

because you have
just told on me.

[stammering, slurring]

I didn't have...
And I'm not like I fucking...

They move us to New Hampshire.

They gave us a new identity.

And they gave him the money.

And they said, you can't...

Like anybody else who's in
the witness protection program,

you can't do
what you normally did and...

When you weren't in
the witness protection program.

Are you gonna do this,
be able to go straight, Johnny?

And he said, I think so.

But you know me.

If all else fails,

all I wanna do
is burn, burn, burn.

[cheerful music]

♪♪

If people ever have the fact

that people think
they know who people are,

they have no clue who...

real people... real people know
who they are.

[patriotic music]

♪♪

- I want this to be good
for America.

- [laughing]

But see, you got it.

- All right, well, thanks
for meeting up with me, Chris.

- Hey.
Hey, no problem, man.