Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 5, Episode 9 - Dave and Diana - full transcript

Morning, Sally. Good weekend?

Oh, you know. The usual
madcap social whirl.

Oh, really? What did
you get up to, then?

Well, when your social whirl
whirls as fast as mine, George,

it's hard to pick out one highlight.

It's just a blaze of
colour and excitement.

She stayed in... ate
cold baked beans...

..And watched the shopping channel.

Do we have to put up with this concerto

for hooter and bodily fluids?

I'm sorry, but can't do
it in my office, can I?



Oh, yeah.

Anyone know how long dr
bonkers is gonna be with us?

He's not a doctor, he's an
industrial psychologist.

Just because sir roysten
got fogbound at Heathrow

and fancied a change
from Catherine cookson,

we've got to put up with a load
of Californian psychobabble.

It's bollocks!

This is the same bloke that
they sent in to send out

merchant foods incorporated limited.

You know, where they sacked
the chief executive.

Ohh!

On the other hand, there
could be something in it.

Now, our lunchtime lead
had better be the budget.

Is the chancellor planning
a pre-election giveaway



or a steady-as-she-goes budget
to keep the city happy?

Mm, or is he gonna do the
honest thing and say

Gordon brown will be doing
this job in six months' time,

so I'm going to leave a steaming,
great dump on his doorstep?

I think we should lead with the
really big story of the week,

le Dante nouveau est arrive!

Wow! Ooh.

You've brought in some home-made wine.

Yes, dandelion and turnip.
My first vintage.

Anybody got a corkscrew?

Joy, look, has anyone
been asking for me?

You know, ringing up out of the blue?

What is it this time,
husband in the cosa nostra?

Something like that. Let me see.

Access, visa, American express,
William hill and no nose Charlie.

So just the usual, then. Good.

What is it now?

Look, it's just a little
local bother which,

if you don't mind, I'd
rather not discuss.

I'll be in the meeting room.

More details on the merger
between shell and British gas.

Well, that's good news for Nigerians.

Now they'll all get a
little card saying,

"sorry, while you were out,
we relocated your village."

Any more for any more?

Well, there is something
that I heard this morning.

It's just a rumour for the moment,

but it might be worth
keeping an eye on.

Apparently, princess di
has got a new fella.

Oh, please!

No-one with two brain
cells to rub together

would be interested in that.

Who is it?

Ah! Well, that's the
vaguely interesting bit.

Smeggsy at news of the
screws reckons that this one

is a TV journalist she met at a party.

Really? Big deal.

TV journalist? That's odd.
Oh, I don't know.

Some of us are high-speed
pulling machines.

No, Dave wanted me to order
him a cab this morning,

but it wasn't to his place.
Well, there's a surprise.

Yeah, but, he wouldn't
give me the address.

He just wanted the cab to pick him
up on the corner of gloucester mews.

I know gloucester mews.

That's round the back
of Kensington pal...

All: Nah!

Mind you, when you think about
it, James gilbey, James Hewitt,

will carling...

The noble tradition of men with
their brains between their legs.

Dave would just about complete the set.

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Look, besides, we should ignore it.

People are always making up
absurd rumours about Diana.

Last week, she was supposed
to be seeing Freddie trueman.

Well, I still say there's
something in that.

Now, let's just get on.

What have we got on lord
mackay's visit to strasbourg?

Be a sexy, little scoop
for us, though, eh?

Globelink journo in palace love match.

Yes, though, of course, it
wouldn't be the first time.

I was once romantically
linked to a royal name.

Yes, but that was the royal artillery.

So, George, how are we
gonna follow it up?

We're not. The whole
notion is ludicrous.

Helen's right.

Look, we've got an awful
lot to get through.

Can we please crack on?

Couldn't be Dave, could it? George...

Give me one good reason why not.
I'm sorry, but...

Of course, I wouldn't expect a
layman to grasp the details,

but what I do, essentially, is a
combination of questionnaires

and face-to-face interviews
from which I compile my report.

Report?

A full psychometric survey on
which your board of directors

can base their future decisions.

Oh, I see. What, like, promotion?

That's it. Or dismissal.

Joke, mr hedges.

Oh, right. Humour. Terrific.

You're not worried about
this report, are you?

Of course not. Then
perhaps you should be.

A common cause of workplace dysfunction

is the overconfident manager.
You don't have to tell me that.

Now, my first job is to find
out if any of your staff

are unduly authoritarian.

You see, the bully-victim cycle leads
to the stifling of initiative.

Knock at door

excuse me, I just wondered if I...
not now, George.

But... shouting: I said not now!

Sorry.

Joke. Right.

Helen, I was wondering
if you can help me?

A friend, one of my many friends,

was confiding in me about how she's
feeling lonely and a bit desperate.

I thought you might know of
some helplines she could ring.

Well, I suppose the samaritans
would be her best bet.

Do you know their number?

0-3-4-5 90-90-90.

By the way, Henry, the
ulster unionists have said

they will bring down this government
only under certain circumstances,

so I don't see much point in
going up to David trimble

in the restaurant and shouting,

"what the bloody hell
are you waiting for?"

Damien, how are you doing on
those budget predictions?

Dave was at this charity thing
last night. Diana was there.

He could have met her then.
Oh, for god's sake...

All I'm saying is it's possible.

He's got the opportunity,
he's got the motive.

And he's got the weapon.

Take your glasses, one and all.

Now, I'll give you a toast.
To friendship.

Friendship.

Perhaps it needs to breathe a little.

Breathe? It should have
been strangled at birth!

What's this, drinking on duty?

It's George's home-made wine.

Although, I have seen a better
colour in a catheter bag.

It's only one glass, Gus. You
know, a bit of office bonding.

Oh, right. Office bonding. Terrific.

It's delicious!

Here, try some.

No, thank you. Oh, bit of bonding, eh?

No, thanks.

Oh, come on. One glass
won't do you any harm.

I said no. Thank you.

Carry on, mr hedges.

Sally smedley, anchorwoman. Hello.

I understand you're a
trained psychologist.

It must be a bit depressing
constantly having to listen

to the problems of sad, little people.

Not at all. It's not my
job to get depressed,

it's my job to help people see
themselves as they really are.

Oh, I see.

But isn't it the case
that some of us...

..These people have such dark
forces lurking within them

that they're beyond help?
Certainly not.

Who told you that?

No, I've never encountered a
problem I couldn't overcome.

So, Dave, my old mate, good weekend?
Yes, thanks.

Good party last night?
What's going on here?

Nothing. Just wondered
what you'd been up to.

Ok, in case I didn't make myself clear,

my private life is exactly that.

Ha! That from the man who put those
polaroids of Barry Fowler's wife

out on the Internet.

Come on, we know joy sent a
cab round to Kensington.

Oh, I don't need this.

Ohh! Raw nerve! Did you see that?

We're definitely onto something.

That doesn't prove anything.

And besides, you should
respect his privacy.

Bollocks! We're journalists.

But it's not as if
Dave's a public figure.

Not yet. That's where we come in.

Now, listen, I want you to let
this drop, is that clear?

George, is there any
more of your wine left?

I just put the bottles in the office.

Did you like it, then? Good god, no.

But it's excellent for taking off
the last of this nail varnish.

And this brings us onto the question
of your emotional hinterland.

Your questionnaire was most revealing.

Long hours, sandwich at the desk
for lunch, always in bed by ten.

Always.

And you are completely teetotal.
Oh, yes.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I did once have what you
might call a problem.

You might have heard some lurid
stories about my drinking

in the past. No, I
can't say I have, no.

All that matters is
that you've beaten it.

And you'll keep beating it.

One day at a time, eh?

Tell me, mr Davenport, when
did you last take a holiday?

Oh, I don't have holidays.

But all work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy.

But Jack doesn't work for Gus hedges.

So you feel that mr hedges
drives you too hard.

Oh, um... no, I've said too much.

Tell you what I'm gonna
do, mr Davenport,

I'm gonna recommend that the company
gives you a spot of paid leave

so you can unwind.

Well, if you insist.

Perhaps I could go to a monastery.

If you like.

But my recommendation is that
you learn to live a little.

Take a Caribbean cruise.

I couldn't possibly! Nonsense.

I'll get globelink to
pay for the tickets.

Hi.

What are you up to?

I was just going over the sound
dub for my special report

on motorway madness.

Still? I thought you'd
finished that ages ago.

Yeah, I just reckon it needs
a few more squelches.

Let's have a listen, shall we?

Dave on phone: 'I'm trying to
speak to mr marsden, please.

'It's David charnley
here, globelink news.'

now, I know this probably
seems a bit and orthodox...

You're listening to
his telephone calls.

I'm going straight to Gus about this!

Any luck yet? Oh!

Right, well, in that case, I
shall go and tell sir roysten.

Why should sir roysten worry? Because
he's a born again Christian.

No, I think he's a Buddhist now.

No, that was just for tax reasons.

We have no business doing this.

I've got the photos from the printers.

Terrific!

There he is behind Diana.

That's not Dave. No, there.

Flicking the v sign at Jeffrey archer.

Oh, my god, it is Dave.

Good work, scoops!

Well, that doesn't prove anything.
It just means he was there.

Are there any pictures
of people leaving?

Interested now!

No, I just want to put this
nonsense to bed. Rest.

Quick, quick, quick.

Yeah, here we go.

Usual routine.

Tears, pleading, recriminations.

It's his bank manager again.

Tell me, do you ever feel mr hedges
puts you under too much pressure?

Well... have you ever had any
stress-related illness, for example?

Oh, dear.

I don't want to bore you.
It's all right, George.

I'm a professional. We've got
all the time in the world.

Well, in that case, when
I was a little boy...

♪ Whoa, we're going to Barbados! ♪

Now, our prisons in crisis piece.

Overcrowding at record levels,
prison governors more pissed off

than their prisoners. Oh,
it's all very ominous.

Oh, look, Helen, it's
all perfectly simple.

Let out all those whose sentences
have been wrongly calculated...

All those who have been
wrongly convicted...

..And those on remand waiting
to be wrongly convicted.

End of crisis.

But the courts are clogged up
with a record number of cases.

Most of them featuring
Michael bloody Howard!

In fact, if you locked him up, you'd
solve all the problems in one go!

Anyway, it appears that somehow
my body had become addicted to

barium meal. Yes, thank you.

I can't help wondering if this is
somehow linked to the mucus build-up

in my nose which I thought
might be caused by some form

of nasal verruca.

Thank you, mr dent. Some
other time, perhaps.

Henry. Mm.

You're a good friend of Dave's.

What if I told you that
Damien is tapping his phone?

I say it was underhand,
immoral and probably illegal.

Anything juicy come up? I thought
you'd be on Dave's side!

Oh, I am. But you can't help
taking an interest, can you?

I mean, this thing
between him and Diana,

it's going on my club like wildfire.

Where did this rumour spring from?
Oh, let's see.

I got it from paxo, paxo said
he got it from dimbleby,

dimbleby got it from dempster,
and dempster got it from...

Actually, I think it was me!

And with all these snatched
sexual encounters,

I suppose, deep down, perhaps
I'm looking for mr right.

I once met a very nice
plumber from stoke.

Then there was the welder
from wolverhampton,

and a pair of brothers who ran
their own haulage business.

It was quite an afternoon.

Oh, it's such a relief to be able
to talk in confidence about these

faceless, animalistic couplings
with someone who's a professional

and you know won't be shocked.

I think I'm suffering from a
form of self-hatred, really.

I'm addicted to sordid, demeaning sex.

But then I suppose we're all
addicted to something, aren't we?

Yes, right.

Well, miss smedley, when you told
me that you wanted to talk about

a dark and depressing problem...

Oh, no, I haven't got onto that.

Another thing we can do, track
down all his only girlfriends.

Good. Then we can be up and
running while the opposition

are still in the changing
room tying their shoelaces.

You never give up, do you?
Oh, look at the evidence.

We know he was at Kensington
palace Sunday night.

We know we got a taxi from
there Monday morning,

and to cap it all, he's been
acting guilty ever since.

Well, of course he has. He's Dave.

I just don't think the story is true.

Well, what is truth, Helen?

One man's truth is another man's...
untruth.

All right, if it's true, how
come every news organisation

in the country isn't beating
a path to our door?

Phone rings

yeah. Dave, daily star.

They wanna ask you about some
party at Kensington palace.

Right. Don't talk to them.

Whatever they offer, I'll top it.

Within reason, of course. What is this?

I told you to stay out
of my private life.

Oh, suit yourself. It isn't us
who owes the bank 15 grand.

Who told you that?

You did. Yesterday, didn't he?

Yes, indeedy. I remember it
as if it were yesterday.

Just a minute.

You've been bugging my phone.
Um... a bit.

What for?

If you wanted to know something,
why didn't you just ask me?

All right. Who did you sleep
with on Sunday night?

Piss off! I rest my case!

Who I slept with justifies
this intrusion, does it?

They think it was princess di.

Princess di?

Thank you for that, Sally.

Could somebody get me a
glass of water, please?

Mr charnley, I'm ready to see you now.

Right, talk to you later.

Well, I think you should
be ashamed of yourselves.

It's horrible being spied on.

I was followed around for
three weeks in the '70s

by special branch.

What for? Mistaken identity.

They thought I was Carlos the jackal.

Easily done, really.

Oh, there's a hole in my cardigan.

So, mr charnley... what?

Are you all right? You
look a little persecuted.

Well, so would you be if your
colleagues were bugging your phone

and the daily star was after
you and god knows who else.

I see. Do you often get the sense
that people are out to get you?

They are out to get me!
Of course they are.

Look, it was all a silly
misunderstanding.

You see, I went to a charity party
and got chatting with princess Diana

and then, well, it's all
completely ridiculous...

Oh, no, no. It's an
extremely common fantasy.

It's not a fantasy.

Believe me, delusional encounters
with members of the royal family...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's
no need to patronise me.

And what gives you the right
to ask these questions anyway?

I'm a professional... oh, right.

So professional that you
allowed Henry Davenport,

well-known boozer and shag merchant,

to con you into giving
him a free holiday.

I am a trained psychologist...
Trained? With what?

A third class sociology degree
from luton polytechnic.

That's enough.

Listen, before you start mucking
around in other people's lives,

I suggest you take a look at yours. I
bet you've got some hidden secret.

Just be careful that it doesn't
creep up behind you one day

and bite you in the arse.
I said that's enough.

This interview is over. Suits me.

And anyway, it was keele university.

Phone rings

Dave charnley's phone. Hello?

Whispering: Come on, come on, come on.

Inhales sharply

where'd you think you're going?

To fetch my wine. Can't it wait?

No, not really. They just discovered
this ants nest in the canteen.

I don't want Jones disturbed.
Dave's upset him enough already.

He's been in there for hours
now writing the report

that will stand as my epitaph. Oh,
no, we've already written that.

It's just two words.

Oi, I want a word with you.

I just answered your phone,
the other person hung up.

So I used the call-back
facility and who should answer

but Kensington palace.

You did what? I...

I, er... you used the
call-back facility.

Yes, and with very good
reason because I'm...

Ooh, I'm, er... Because you're nosy.

Yes, I'm nosy. I'm sorry.

Now, look, are you
screwing Diana or not?

All right, listen, since you all
find my private life so fascinating,

why don't you gather round
with your notebooks

and we'll see if we can
make the evening news.

I went to a party at Kensington palace.

I met a woman there.

We had a one night stand.

She is not Diana.

So why all the secrecy?

Scared of the husband? Father.
Scares the shit out of me.

Well, what is he, a drug
baron or something?

Worse. He's a bank manager.

A very old-fashioned,
presbyterian bank manager.

Of your bank. Yes.

Who you owe 15,000...

872.92 pence at close of
business on Friday, yes.

Well, why didn't you just tell us?

We can keep a secret. What?

This place runs on gossip.
That is a vicious slander.

You're just a collection of
sad, stunted inadequates

with no real lives of your own,

so you're forced to live
them through other people.

Slurs: I couldn't have
put it better myself.

In all my years as an
industrial psychologist,

I have never met such a hopeless,
disturbed group of head cases.

Hypochondriacs,
emotionally-crippled bullies,

and a woman gets her sexual thrills

by getting strangers to
do things with swarfega.

When I tell sir roysten
what's been going on here,

he won't just close the place down,
he'll turn it into a nursing home.

Well, since you feel
so strongly about it,

why don't we go into my office
and phone sir roysten now.

So you can tell him
exactly what you think

in your own distinctive,
articulate way.

Yeah, right. I bloody will.

I'll put the fat, old bastard straight.

Oh, yes, he'll enjoy that.

So, Dave, you don't want to get on
the wrong side of your bank manager.

You're not gonna see his
daughter again, are you?

No. Well, I couldn't
even if I wanted to.

Why not?

Last night, I slept with her mother.

How's the budget piece
looking, Henry? Ok?

You bet your bun, sweetpea.

Frankly, I don't care what
he's done with booze,

I'll be getting mine duty
free on my luxury cruise.

Dream on, Henry. You've been sussed.
But...

Clark was marvellous, wasn't he?
Impenetrable!

All that stuff about
restrained growth of earnings.

That means slave labour. You didn't
help him with his speech, did you?

Look, he's managed to
cut 1p off income tax

and maintain fiscal tightness. Meaning?

Well, loose fiscals aren't
as good as tight ones.

What I don't understand is,
he says the lower paid

benefit most from lower taxes.

So why doesn't he just make
more people lower paid?

Then they'd be better off.
You did help him.

What the hell were all those gags

about bubblegum-flavoured
alcopops and whether tolstoy

wrote the tax legislation?

He said he was a man of the
world, he didn't say which one.

Well, I think he's an
exceptional politician.

He certainly is.

Every time you see him,
he's with the same woman.