Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 5, Episode 7 - Charnley in Love - full transcript
Gus is worried about an old face, Dave is worried about his wedding, and Damian is just worried.
Sally: The twilight years can be hard.
Especially for women.
Their loved ones departed, they
can face an uncertain future.
And all too often with little
money to support them.
But the national sponsor
a senior citizen scheme
is changing all that.
For a modest monthly donation,
you can bring a little
sunshine into their lives.
So, call now.
This is Sally smedley asking you
to sponsor a senior citizen today
and give someone like Edith a smile.
Well, now I've seen everything.
Saint Sally, queen of colostomy bags.
How much did they bung you for that?
I did it for free.
It was a very worthwhile cause,
helping the aged and the infirm.
I'd have thought you'd be grateful.
Ah, now, then, now,
then, no long faces.
Ok, who wants coffee? I'm in the chair.
God, look at him!
He's as happy as a transvestite
in Dorothy Perkins!
He's happy because he's
engaged to be married.
Aren't you, David? He's
off his bloody chump.
Hello, Gus.
Hello.
Jenny.
Jenny!
George, this is Jenny...
Jenny.
For years, she was my secre...
Assist...
Second-line reserve support
at merchant chemicals.
Very pleased to meet you.
So, what brings you here, Jenny? Work.
Oh, I'm sorry, but we have a
full complement of secre...
Assist... backup.
Oh. Well, I'll just have
to run the place, then.
They all chuckle
this is from sir royston.
Authorising me to run the
rule over globelink.
Clear out any deadwood.
He chuckles
you mean sir royston chose you to...?
Yes, little old me.
You see, after I worked for you,
I did the company mba scheme.
I spent a few years at
the New York office.
Then, when we were sunbathing
on sir royston's yacht
a couple of weeks ago,
he asked me to just come in
and examine your operations.
So, here I am, with you as my
second-line reserve support.
Ironic, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Damien, can you nip out tomorrow
and do some vox pops on caning?
Sorry, no can do.
I'm meeting someone who says he knows
where bse-infected
cattle really end up.
We already know. They end
up running English rugby.
Here's that nhs research
you wanted, George.
That was quick.
I must say, Julie's certainly
made a big difference to you.
I know. I can't wait
to be married to her.
Oh, Dave.
After all those years of being
terrified of commitment,
where's mr panic attack now, hey?
Where's mr run a mile?
Mr sorry, I've been
posted to Venezuela?
All those fears about tying yourself
down to just the same woman
for the next 40 years.
About being trapped in the
terrible drudgery of domesticity.
You silly.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm very happy.
Oh, look, Henry, your
daughter's here (!)
Sally, isn't that the woman
from your old lady ad?
Oh, yes, so it is.
Hello!
How lovely to see you again!
Just wanted to come and thank you.
You putting yourself out like
that was very important to us.
It was important to me, too, Edith.
My granny was my whole world.
She meant everything to me.
She's not with us any more, but...
Oh, I don't know, maybe this was my way
of giving back a little of the
love with which I was so blessed.
Bleugh!
That's lovely, dear.
Isn't she a marvel?
She should be given a medal.
Yeah, posthumously.
Well, bye-bye, then, dear.
Bye-bye, Edith.
Knocking on the door
Dave!
God, is that the time? I
was lucky to find you up.
The thing is, erm...
I've been thinking this over
and over and over and over...
You're getting married,
but now you're not sure
you're doing the right thing.
Yes.
George said... oh, you
listened to George?
The mystic Meg of marital advice (!)
Yeah, but he made me think.
I mean, what if Julie's not the one?
I mean, how do you ever really know?
Well...
I thought you were the one
once, and you weren't.
I could be wrong again. If...
I mean, what if I just think
she's the only one for me,
when, actually, the real
only one is somewhere else?
By the time I've realised that
there's another woman I'm
supposed to be with,
she could have gone off
with some other man,
thinking he's her only one.
Not knowing that she's my only
one because I'm happily living
with this woman I'm supposed
to be in love with when...
Hang on, I've lost myself now.
The thing is, I don't think
I can risk it, can I?
No. I'll call off the engagement.
Listen, what are you so scared of?
I'm scared of letting someone get
so close, they'll see the real me
and discover this is
actually all there is.
Especially when they may not
be the one for me after all.
I mean, how do you know? What if the
real only one is somewhere else?
By the time I've... Have
I said this already?
So, what?
You carry on and end
up as a 70-year-old,
pushing Henry round nightclubs in
his bath chair, pulling tea ladies
and desperately trying to
have sex on your stairlift.
Now, come on, you like a bet.
Take a chance!
Yeah, you're right.
Oh, this is great!
The love match of the millennium.
Thank you, Helen.
How do I know she'll be faithful?
Oh, god!
She says she wants a
committed relationship.
But that's what I always say.
And she's been married before.
So, at some time, he must
have been her one true love.
She's unreliable. I can't risk it!
Oh, my god, I've been blind!
I'm calling it off! Oh, for god's sake!
Now, you either carry on with the
puerile life you've been leading,
or you grow up.
Now, you love her, so you do it.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
Oh, yes, this'll be the bestest
marriage you ever saw!
I know. And I'm very happy for you.
Now piss off out of my flat.
Damien: Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh!
Hello.
Damien day. Globelink news.
I know.
So, er, you're gonna
dish the dirt on bse?
Not exactly.
A few years back, you did
a report on my brother.
Oh, yes?
It was a complete con.
You stitched him up big time. Remember?
Could you be more specific?
My brother did five
years because of you.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but I
have nothing to say to...
Oh... bugger!
Back again?
I made you this as a thank you.
God, it's uncannily accurate.
A sickly face covering
a very thick sponge.
Thank you so much.
And I wonder if I could ask a favour.
Would you record a message
for beryl at the day centre?
She starts wearing her
surgical stockings tomorrow,
so she'll need cheering up, and
you're her favourite newsreader.
Oh! After moira Stuart, of course.
Of course.
Hello, beryl.
I hope your veins stop leaking soon.
And if you wouldn't mind, there's
just a few more that I...
No! Look, I'm sorry, I've
got to go and... rehearse.
Yes, it's only eight hours
till the evening bulletin.
Can I do that for you, dear?
Yeah, all right.
Now you'll see our top-flight centre
of news excellence in action.
What's the filling in today's
scoop sandwich, chief?
Well, we're going to lead on
this sanctions-busting story.
A British firm selling arms to Libya.
Now, George, I'm not here.
But we don't want to find ourselves
in a hoddle picks gascoigne situation.
Because I happen to know those
goods were supplied in good faith
and for entirely peaceful purposes.
Oh, come on, gussie!
Sir royston's own arms company
supplied a radar missile
detection system.
Yes. And sir royston checked personally
and they assured him they needed it
to keep track of the contestants
in the Libyan hang
gliding championships.
There's no story there, George.
I'm sure our new colleague
would agree with me.
George is the editor.
I think it should be his decision.
Oh.
Right, then.
I think we should run it. Fine.
Oh, yes, of course.
I was just playing devil's solicitor.
Terrific.
Go get 'em, skip.
Erm, George...
Can we have lunch together? Lunch?
Mm. Only, I'd like you to
talk me through a few things
and it'll save me having to get
them all from captain gobshite.
Captain gobshite?
It's what we used to call
Gus at merchant chemicals.
What a coincidence (!)
Where's it to be?
The caprice or the Ivy?
You choose.
Oh.
Right...
You're gonna find out what
it's really like in prison.
First, we need to delouse you.
Oh, look, I don't think
this is really...
Now...
..We wash you down. Oh,
no, wait, please...!
Oh!
Urgh!
How's it feel so far?
You're... mad?
Yeah, you're probably right.
Do you know one of the worst
things about prison life?
The routine.
The agonising repetitiveness
of everything.
So... this is set to repeat.
Enjoy.
♪ It's coming home
♪ it's coming football's
coming home... ♪
You bastard!
Telephone rings
ringing continues
hello?
Yes, hello.
And hello from here, too.
This woman just keep saying, "hello."
Give that to me.
This is Sally smedley.
Nobody.
Yes, Friday will be fine. Thank you.
That was hello! Magazine.
Look, you really can't stay here.
You know, it's the rules.
I'm just waiting for the rain to stop.
Well, I'll fetch you a cab.
No, I couldn't possibly.
It'll stop soon. Sally sighs
I do like that top.
Is it from littlewoods?
Littlewoods?!
And then it turned out that the hornets
were being attracted by the
colour of my cardigan.
No!
Joy, I've devised a new
postal collection system.
In future, all outgoing mail
will be processed by you.
It'll produce an up-sized
fast-track cost benefit.
Well, that's stupid. What?
And when I'm busy somewhere else and
the whole system grinds to a halt,
will I be held
responsible, as per usual,
with every other crap idea that
crawls out of your office?
Er...
Yes, well, there may be
valid aspects of a...
We'll stay with the old system.
Old Gus is never rigid in the
flexibility department, as you know.
And yet, we do need an effective
means of regulating the post.
Exactly. So I've decided we will
switch to the new system after all.
On the other hand... oh, just
bloody do it, all right?!
I mean, er... everything
all right, Gus?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Terrific!
That woman's out to get me, George.
For years, I nurtured her, and
this is how she repays me.
Oh, I don't know, Gus. She
strikes me as being rather nice.
Really?
I've done it, everyone.
I've given Julie an engagement ring.
Well, it was only a hula
hoop, but she got the idea.
Dave, I'm so happy for you both.
Dave...
Look, as one mate to another...
don't do it.
What? I know it all seems lovely now.
Laughs. Companionship.
Sex without struggling
to remember her name.
But you'll soon get tired of that.
Then one day, she'll hit you
with those three little words.
"Darling, I'm pregnant."
And you're dead.
You'll be in a nightmare of
crappy nappies and vomit.
You try and regain some of the
manhood that she's robbed you of,
and the next thing you know,
you're in the bloody divorce courts
for screwing her best friend!
Taking the kids you never wanted
to the bloody planetarium
every bloody Sunday!
Which is always blasted full!
And generally feeling like a
washed-up, lifeless imitation
of the man you used to be!
And all because you once
told some pouting floozy
you bloody loved her!
Well, anyway, that's what I think.
Well, it won't be like that.
I'm not you.
In fact, it's you who's
been holding me back.
Yes, I'm getting married.
And that's that.
And...
And you're not my friend any more.
Women, hey, Henry?
The trouble they cause.
Driving wedges between people.
I mean, between you and me,
it's a bit much having one hovering
over the place, wouldn't you say?
Oh, bugger off!
You pointless bloody little...
Well, you're just bloody pointless.
They chuckle
all right, Gus?
I'm not here.
Must get on.
I've always been an
outsider here, George.
She'll have noticed that.
Gus, I really think you're
taking this Jenny situation
far too seriously.
You shouldn't get so tense.
Shouldn't I?
It would suit you, that, wouldn't it?
Me dropping my guard.
What? I know what's going on, dent!
God! You, my friend George, the
one man I thought I could trust.
Seducing your way into my job
with your... sexual wiles!
You... lounge lizard!
Sexual wiles...
Look...
You don't realise the pressure I'm
under to deliver exciting reports.
If your brother was a victim of
that, then I am truly sorry.
Really?
How sorry? What?!
Oh, god! Jesus!
Look...
Look, I'll give you money. I'll
give you anything you want!
Oh, god, I'm sorry!
Fanfare and drum roll
you're also the first victim on...
Celebrity surprise!
What?!
Yes, we've had hidden cameras
in here all the time.
And you fell for it hook,
line and celebrity sinker.
Incidentally, love the underwear!
Oh, for god's sake!
Come on, where's your sense of humour?
Everybody'll think you're
a really good sport.
Yeah, right.
So, Damien day...
You've been celebrity surprised!
Oh, you... you!
So, how do you feel?
Well, erm...
Like this! Urgh!
Oh, come on, where's
your sense of humour?
Pillock! Urgh!
Oh, good morning, Gus.
Are you, er, feeling any better today?
Huh! Don't pretend you care, dent.
If you must know, I'm resigning.
Your little missy is sharpening
up a report to sir royston,
ready to plunge it between
my shoulder blades.
Still, sir royston's about to find out
how it feels to have
your trust betrayed.
Gus, what have you done?
I've just dropped him a line,
saying, "hasta la vista,
sir royston, baby."
I also mentioned that I shall
be telling the inland revenue
about some of his more
adventurous financial deals.
I gave that man the best
years of my life, George.
And what's he ever given me?
The bum's rash!
Erm, I think the
expression is bum's rush.
Oh, for god's sake, dent, spare
me your intellectual quibbling.
Morning, Edith. Hello.
Just popped by to give
Sally this bread pudding.
Oh, Damien...
How was your bse man yesterday?
Er, it was a waste of time.
There's nothing in it.
Oh, right. It must be good to
be back, though. A bit like...
♪ It's coming home
all: ♪ it's coming home
♪ it's coming football's
coming home... ♪
You bastards!
♪ It's coming home
it's coming home... ♪
May I ask why you're resigning?
Look, Gus hedges doesn't
need to see a toilet duck
to know he's being flushed
down the lavatory.
Oh, Gus, I am going to miss you.
Well, I've reported to sir royston...
That this company runs
with little waste
and no apparent scope for cost savings.
What? I'm not sacking you.
No swimming round u-bends required.
Oh, god!
Oh, good. Besides, if I did bin you,
sir royston would want me to
stay here to sort things out.
And I don't want to get stuck
in this corporate armpit.
This is a crappy job
in a crappy outfit.
And, Gus, you're just the man for it.
Damien, a message from some
guy in the Russian army.
That intercontinental ballistic missile
you wanted smuggled
out for your report,
the price has gone up.
He wants pre-shrunk levis now.
Oh, and, er, this came for you.
Julie's dumping you.
What?!
"When we started out, I never
dreamt you'd get serious.
"I've been trying to find a
way to tell you for ages,
"but I kept bottling out.
"I only got involved with you
"because you seemed like a
bit of uncomplicated fun."
Dave, I'm so sorry.
Are you ok?
Well, ok, everyone...
How dare she?!
I mean, how dare she
treat people like this?!
It's...
She leads a guy on till
she gets what she wants,
and then she just Chucks him away
with no thought of how
he might be feeling!
Well, that's what you do...
shut it, Damien.
I mean, for god's sake!
Well, I don't care.
Plenty more where she came from.
That new receptionist, she's married.
I'll see if she wants an
uncomplicated, commitment-free shag.
Gather round, everyone.
We all know how Gus often
says, "I'm not here."
Well, now, he's really not going to be.
I'm sure you'll all be shocked
and saddened to learn
that Gus is leaving us.
Well, goodbye.
Now, Gus, obviously, we've not
had time for a whip-round.
So a round of applause for Gus.
Half-hearted clapping
thank you.
Thank you, George.
However, the fickle hand of mr
fate has spun the coin of destiny.
He's going down drivelling, then.
And I shan't be leaving after all.
Oh, good.
And I'm looking forward to forging
a new, brighter partnership
of two partners joining together
in a mutually beneficial,
blissful and lasting union.
He starts to sob
what's the matter with him?
He's just had a rather
upsetting letter.
Oh, well.
Oh, my god!
My letter!
Here you are, dear.
Try this.
Oh, and I've got a
message for you here.
Unless the catalogue people
hear from you by five o'clock,
they'll give the
contract to cilla black.
Oh, dear, that was yesterday.
What?!
I must have forgotten. I'm sorry, dear.
Well, that is it.
Cilla black?!
You stupid old bat!
I only did your stupid appeal
because my agent said
I needed a charity,
and the donkey sanctuary
had already gone!
God, I hate old people!
I'm sorry, dear.
I'll go away now.
Edith, look... I am
so sorry about Sally.
Bloody women!
Bloody bitches!
It's all right, dear.
I've learnt a lot from
being around her.
Recorder clicks god, I hate old people!
"My hell with
granny-bashing newsreader."
Should make a bomb from the tabloids.
Bye-bye, dear.
Where the hell is the post?!
Well, it's gone, as per
your stupid orders.
Oh, god!
Where's he rushing off to?
Oh, to the airport then on to Antigua.
He's trying to get to sir
royston before his letter does.
What letter?
This one.
Look, Jerry, it's too
cold to mess about.
We're going in three, ready or not.
So, Tony banks, mp, the European
court's ruling on the 48-hour week.
As an independently-minded,
outspoken left-wing mp,
what are you doing in the labour party?
Well, to answer that
part of your question
that wasn't entirely
stupid and offensive,
the directive is there
to actually protect
some of the most vulnerable
workers in our society.
I suppose you're not in
favour of the directive
because you'll have to go
into work a bit more often.
Thank you Tony banks, mp. Still
no post in the shadow cabinet.
Ann coates, the tories are in favour
of inhumane working conditions?
Yes!
No.
We're fighting against the insidious
tentacles of the European octopus.
We care desperately about
protecting British jobs.
Well, that's a first for you lot.
Oi, schtum.
What we're involved in now,
Damien, is a mission, a crusade.
The battle for Britain.
So, carpet-bombing of dresden
starting any day now.
Tony banks, Ann coates,
mp, at least until may.
Goodnight.
I hear your little boy's
lost his football.
Oh, yes, but we've found it now.
So, it's...
Together: ♪ football's coming home
♪ it's coming home
♪ football's coming home
it's coming home... ♪
Especially for women.
Their loved ones departed, they
can face an uncertain future.
And all too often with little
money to support them.
But the national sponsor
a senior citizen scheme
is changing all that.
For a modest monthly donation,
you can bring a little
sunshine into their lives.
So, call now.
This is Sally smedley asking you
to sponsor a senior citizen today
and give someone like Edith a smile.
Well, now I've seen everything.
Saint Sally, queen of colostomy bags.
How much did they bung you for that?
I did it for free.
It was a very worthwhile cause,
helping the aged and the infirm.
I'd have thought you'd be grateful.
Ah, now, then, now,
then, no long faces.
Ok, who wants coffee? I'm in the chair.
God, look at him!
He's as happy as a transvestite
in Dorothy Perkins!
He's happy because he's
engaged to be married.
Aren't you, David? He's
off his bloody chump.
Hello, Gus.
Hello.
Jenny.
Jenny!
George, this is Jenny...
Jenny.
For years, she was my secre...
Assist...
Second-line reserve support
at merchant chemicals.
Very pleased to meet you.
So, what brings you here, Jenny? Work.
Oh, I'm sorry, but we have a
full complement of secre...
Assist... backup.
Oh. Well, I'll just have
to run the place, then.
They all chuckle
this is from sir royston.
Authorising me to run the
rule over globelink.
Clear out any deadwood.
He chuckles
you mean sir royston chose you to...?
Yes, little old me.
You see, after I worked for you,
I did the company mba scheme.
I spent a few years at
the New York office.
Then, when we were sunbathing
on sir royston's yacht
a couple of weeks ago,
he asked me to just come in
and examine your operations.
So, here I am, with you as my
second-line reserve support.
Ironic, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Damien, can you nip out tomorrow
and do some vox pops on caning?
Sorry, no can do.
I'm meeting someone who says he knows
where bse-infected
cattle really end up.
We already know. They end
up running English rugby.
Here's that nhs research
you wanted, George.
That was quick.
I must say, Julie's certainly
made a big difference to you.
I know. I can't wait
to be married to her.
Oh, Dave.
After all those years of being
terrified of commitment,
where's mr panic attack now, hey?
Where's mr run a mile?
Mr sorry, I've been
posted to Venezuela?
All those fears about tying yourself
down to just the same woman
for the next 40 years.
About being trapped in the
terrible drudgery of domesticity.
You silly.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm very happy.
Oh, look, Henry, your
daughter's here (!)
Sally, isn't that the woman
from your old lady ad?
Oh, yes, so it is.
Hello!
How lovely to see you again!
Just wanted to come and thank you.
You putting yourself out like
that was very important to us.
It was important to me, too, Edith.
My granny was my whole world.
She meant everything to me.
She's not with us any more, but...
Oh, I don't know, maybe this was my way
of giving back a little of the
love with which I was so blessed.
Bleugh!
That's lovely, dear.
Isn't she a marvel?
She should be given a medal.
Yeah, posthumously.
Well, bye-bye, then, dear.
Bye-bye, Edith.
Knocking on the door
Dave!
God, is that the time? I
was lucky to find you up.
The thing is, erm...
I've been thinking this over
and over and over and over...
You're getting married,
but now you're not sure
you're doing the right thing.
Yes.
George said... oh, you
listened to George?
The mystic Meg of marital advice (!)
Yeah, but he made me think.
I mean, what if Julie's not the one?
I mean, how do you ever really know?
Well...
I thought you were the one
once, and you weren't.
I could be wrong again. If...
I mean, what if I just think
she's the only one for me,
when, actually, the real
only one is somewhere else?
By the time I've realised that
there's another woman I'm
supposed to be with,
she could have gone off
with some other man,
thinking he's her only one.
Not knowing that she's my only
one because I'm happily living
with this woman I'm supposed
to be in love with when...
Hang on, I've lost myself now.
The thing is, I don't think
I can risk it, can I?
No. I'll call off the engagement.
Listen, what are you so scared of?
I'm scared of letting someone get
so close, they'll see the real me
and discover this is
actually all there is.
Especially when they may not
be the one for me after all.
I mean, how do you know? What if the
real only one is somewhere else?
By the time I've... Have
I said this already?
So, what?
You carry on and end
up as a 70-year-old,
pushing Henry round nightclubs in
his bath chair, pulling tea ladies
and desperately trying to
have sex on your stairlift.
Now, come on, you like a bet.
Take a chance!
Yeah, you're right.
Oh, this is great!
The love match of the millennium.
Thank you, Helen.
How do I know she'll be faithful?
Oh, god!
She says she wants a
committed relationship.
But that's what I always say.
And she's been married before.
So, at some time, he must
have been her one true love.
She's unreliable. I can't risk it!
Oh, my god, I've been blind!
I'm calling it off! Oh, for god's sake!
Now, you either carry on with the
puerile life you've been leading,
or you grow up.
Now, you love her, so you do it.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
Oh, yes, this'll be the bestest
marriage you ever saw!
I know. And I'm very happy for you.
Now piss off out of my flat.
Damien: Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh!
Hello.
Damien day. Globelink news.
I know.
So, er, you're gonna
dish the dirt on bse?
Not exactly.
A few years back, you did
a report on my brother.
Oh, yes?
It was a complete con.
You stitched him up big time. Remember?
Could you be more specific?
My brother did five
years because of you.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but I
have nothing to say to...
Oh... bugger!
Back again?
I made you this as a thank you.
God, it's uncannily accurate.
A sickly face covering
a very thick sponge.
Thank you so much.
And I wonder if I could ask a favour.
Would you record a message
for beryl at the day centre?
She starts wearing her
surgical stockings tomorrow,
so she'll need cheering up, and
you're her favourite newsreader.
Oh! After moira Stuart, of course.
Of course.
Hello, beryl.
I hope your veins stop leaking soon.
And if you wouldn't mind, there's
just a few more that I...
No! Look, I'm sorry, I've
got to go and... rehearse.
Yes, it's only eight hours
till the evening bulletin.
Can I do that for you, dear?
Yeah, all right.
Now you'll see our top-flight centre
of news excellence in action.
What's the filling in today's
scoop sandwich, chief?
Well, we're going to lead on
this sanctions-busting story.
A British firm selling arms to Libya.
Now, George, I'm not here.
But we don't want to find ourselves
in a hoddle picks gascoigne situation.
Because I happen to know those
goods were supplied in good faith
and for entirely peaceful purposes.
Oh, come on, gussie!
Sir royston's own arms company
supplied a radar missile
detection system.
Yes. And sir royston checked personally
and they assured him they needed it
to keep track of the contestants
in the Libyan hang
gliding championships.
There's no story there, George.
I'm sure our new colleague
would agree with me.
George is the editor.
I think it should be his decision.
Oh.
Right, then.
I think we should run it. Fine.
Oh, yes, of course.
I was just playing devil's solicitor.
Terrific.
Go get 'em, skip.
Erm, George...
Can we have lunch together? Lunch?
Mm. Only, I'd like you to
talk me through a few things
and it'll save me having to get
them all from captain gobshite.
Captain gobshite?
It's what we used to call
Gus at merchant chemicals.
What a coincidence (!)
Where's it to be?
The caprice or the Ivy?
You choose.
Oh.
Right...
You're gonna find out what
it's really like in prison.
First, we need to delouse you.
Oh, look, I don't think
this is really...
Now...
..We wash you down. Oh,
no, wait, please...!
Oh!
Urgh!
How's it feel so far?
You're... mad?
Yeah, you're probably right.
Do you know one of the worst
things about prison life?
The routine.
The agonising repetitiveness
of everything.
So... this is set to repeat.
Enjoy.
♪ It's coming home
♪ it's coming football's
coming home... ♪
You bastard!
Telephone rings
ringing continues
hello?
Yes, hello.
And hello from here, too.
This woman just keep saying, "hello."
Give that to me.
This is Sally smedley.
Nobody.
Yes, Friday will be fine. Thank you.
That was hello! Magazine.
Look, you really can't stay here.
You know, it's the rules.
I'm just waiting for the rain to stop.
Well, I'll fetch you a cab.
No, I couldn't possibly.
It'll stop soon. Sally sighs
I do like that top.
Is it from littlewoods?
Littlewoods?!
And then it turned out that the hornets
were being attracted by the
colour of my cardigan.
No!
Joy, I've devised a new
postal collection system.
In future, all outgoing mail
will be processed by you.
It'll produce an up-sized
fast-track cost benefit.
Well, that's stupid. What?
And when I'm busy somewhere else and
the whole system grinds to a halt,
will I be held
responsible, as per usual,
with every other crap idea that
crawls out of your office?
Er...
Yes, well, there may be
valid aspects of a...
We'll stay with the old system.
Old Gus is never rigid in the
flexibility department, as you know.
And yet, we do need an effective
means of regulating the post.
Exactly. So I've decided we will
switch to the new system after all.
On the other hand... oh, just
bloody do it, all right?!
I mean, er... everything
all right, Gus?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Terrific!
That woman's out to get me, George.
For years, I nurtured her, and
this is how she repays me.
Oh, I don't know, Gus. She
strikes me as being rather nice.
Really?
I've done it, everyone.
I've given Julie an engagement ring.
Well, it was only a hula
hoop, but she got the idea.
Dave, I'm so happy for you both.
Dave...
Look, as one mate to another...
don't do it.
What? I know it all seems lovely now.
Laughs. Companionship.
Sex without struggling
to remember her name.
But you'll soon get tired of that.
Then one day, she'll hit you
with those three little words.
"Darling, I'm pregnant."
And you're dead.
You'll be in a nightmare of
crappy nappies and vomit.
You try and regain some of the
manhood that she's robbed you of,
and the next thing you know,
you're in the bloody divorce courts
for screwing her best friend!
Taking the kids you never wanted
to the bloody planetarium
every bloody Sunday!
Which is always blasted full!
And generally feeling like a
washed-up, lifeless imitation
of the man you used to be!
And all because you once
told some pouting floozy
you bloody loved her!
Well, anyway, that's what I think.
Well, it won't be like that.
I'm not you.
In fact, it's you who's
been holding me back.
Yes, I'm getting married.
And that's that.
And...
And you're not my friend any more.
Women, hey, Henry?
The trouble they cause.
Driving wedges between people.
I mean, between you and me,
it's a bit much having one hovering
over the place, wouldn't you say?
Oh, bugger off!
You pointless bloody little...
Well, you're just bloody pointless.
They chuckle
all right, Gus?
I'm not here.
Must get on.
I've always been an
outsider here, George.
She'll have noticed that.
Gus, I really think you're
taking this Jenny situation
far too seriously.
You shouldn't get so tense.
Shouldn't I?
It would suit you, that, wouldn't it?
Me dropping my guard.
What? I know what's going on, dent!
God! You, my friend George, the
one man I thought I could trust.
Seducing your way into my job
with your... sexual wiles!
You... lounge lizard!
Sexual wiles...
Look...
You don't realise the pressure I'm
under to deliver exciting reports.
If your brother was a victim of
that, then I am truly sorry.
Really?
How sorry? What?!
Oh, god! Jesus!
Look...
Look, I'll give you money. I'll
give you anything you want!
Oh, god, I'm sorry!
Fanfare and drum roll
you're also the first victim on...
Celebrity surprise!
What?!
Yes, we've had hidden cameras
in here all the time.
And you fell for it hook,
line and celebrity sinker.
Incidentally, love the underwear!
Oh, for god's sake!
Come on, where's your sense of humour?
Everybody'll think you're
a really good sport.
Yeah, right.
So, Damien day...
You've been celebrity surprised!
Oh, you... you!
So, how do you feel?
Well, erm...
Like this! Urgh!
Oh, come on, where's
your sense of humour?
Pillock! Urgh!
Oh, good morning, Gus.
Are you, er, feeling any better today?
Huh! Don't pretend you care, dent.
If you must know, I'm resigning.
Your little missy is sharpening
up a report to sir royston,
ready to plunge it between
my shoulder blades.
Still, sir royston's about to find out
how it feels to have
your trust betrayed.
Gus, what have you done?
I've just dropped him a line,
saying, "hasta la vista,
sir royston, baby."
I also mentioned that I shall
be telling the inland revenue
about some of his more
adventurous financial deals.
I gave that man the best
years of my life, George.
And what's he ever given me?
The bum's rash!
Erm, I think the
expression is bum's rush.
Oh, for god's sake, dent, spare
me your intellectual quibbling.
Morning, Edith. Hello.
Just popped by to give
Sally this bread pudding.
Oh, Damien...
How was your bse man yesterday?
Er, it was a waste of time.
There's nothing in it.
Oh, right. It must be good to
be back, though. A bit like...
♪ It's coming home
all: ♪ it's coming home
♪ it's coming football's
coming home... ♪
You bastards!
♪ It's coming home
it's coming home... ♪
May I ask why you're resigning?
Look, Gus hedges doesn't
need to see a toilet duck
to know he's being flushed
down the lavatory.
Oh, Gus, I am going to miss you.
Well, I've reported to sir royston...
That this company runs
with little waste
and no apparent scope for cost savings.
What? I'm not sacking you.
No swimming round u-bends required.
Oh, god!
Oh, good. Besides, if I did bin you,
sir royston would want me to
stay here to sort things out.
And I don't want to get stuck
in this corporate armpit.
This is a crappy job
in a crappy outfit.
And, Gus, you're just the man for it.
Damien, a message from some
guy in the Russian army.
That intercontinental ballistic missile
you wanted smuggled
out for your report,
the price has gone up.
He wants pre-shrunk levis now.
Oh, and, er, this came for you.
Julie's dumping you.
What?!
"When we started out, I never
dreamt you'd get serious.
"I've been trying to find a
way to tell you for ages,
"but I kept bottling out.
"I only got involved with you
"because you seemed like a
bit of uncomplicated fun."
Dave, I'm so sorry.
Are you ok?
Well, ok, everyone...
How dare she?!
I mean, how dare she
treat people like this?!
It's...
She leads a guy on till
she gets what she wants,
and then she just Chucks him away
with no thought of how
he might be feeling!
Well, that's what you do...
shut it, Damien.
I mean, for god's sake!
Well, I don't care.
Plenty more where she came from.
That new receptionist, she's married.
I'll see if she wants an
uncomplicated, commitment-free shag.
Gather round, everyone.
We all know how Gus often
says, "I'm not here."
Well, now, he's really not going to be.
I'm sure you'll all be shocked
and saddened to learn
that Gus is leaving us.
Well, goodbye.
Now, Gus, obviously, we've not
had time for a whip-round.
So a round of applause for Gus.
Half-hearted clapping
thank you.
Thank you, George.
However, the fickle hand of mr
fate has spun the coin of destiny.
He's going down drivelling, then.
And I shan't be leaving after all.
Oh, good.
And I'm looking forward to forging
a new, brighter partnership
of two partners joining together
in a mutually beneficial,
blissful and lasting union.
He starts to sob
what's the matter with him?
He's just had a rather
upsetting letter.
Oh, well.
Oh, my god!
My letter!
Here you are, dear.
Try this.
Oh, and I've got a
message for you here.
Unless the catalogue people
hear from you by five o'clock,
they'll give the
contract to cilla black.
Oh, dear, that was yesterday.
What?!
I must have forgotten. I'm sorry, dear.
Well, that is it.
Cilla black?!
You stupid old bat!
I only did your stupid appeal
because my agent said
I needed a charity,
and the donkey sanctuary
had already gone!
God, I hate old people!
I'm sorry, dear.
I'll go away now.
Edith, look... I am
so sorry about Sally.
Bloody women!
Bloody bitches!
It's all right, dear.
I've learnt a lot from
being around her.
Recorder clicks god, I hate old people!
"My hell with
granny-bashing newsreader."
Should make a bomb from the tabloids.
Bye-bye, dear.
Where the hell is the post?!
Well, it's gone, as per
your stupid orders.
Oh, god!
Where's he rushing off to?
Oh, to the airport then on to Antigua.
He's trying to get to sir
royston before his letter does.
What letter?
This one.
Look, Jerry, it's too
cold to mess about.
We're going in three, ready or not.
So, Tony banks, mp, the European
court's ruling on the 48-hour week.
As an independently-minded,
outspoken left-wing mp,
what are you doing in the labour party?
Well, to answer that
part of your question
that wasn't entirely
stupid and offensive,
the directive is there
to actually protect
some of the most vulnerable
workers in our society.
I suppose you're not in
favour of the directive
because you'll have to go
into work a bit more often.
Thank you Tony banks, mp. Still
no post in the shadow cabinet.
Ann coates, the tories are in favour
of inhumane working conditions?
Yes!
No.
We're fighting against the insidious
tentacles of the European octopus.
We care desperately about
protecting British jobs.
Well, that's a first for you lot.
Oi, schtum.
What we're involved in now,
Damien, is a mission, a crusade.
The battle for Britain.
So, carpet-bombing of dresden
starting any day now.
Tony banks, Ann coates,
mp, at least until may.
Goodnight.
I hear your little boy's
lost his football.
Oh, yes, but we've found it now.
So, it's...
Together: ♪ football's coming home
♪ it's coming home
♪ football's coming home
it's coming home... ♪