Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 4, Episode 8 - No More Mr Nice Guy - full transcript

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first
broadcast in November '94,

in a week when further
allegations of bribery

were made against Bruce grobbelaar

and the government was accused of
linking foreign aid to arms sales.

Theme music plays

telephone rings

and may I remind everyone

we need to be gentle
with George this week.

Why? He's just split up
with the love of his life,

and he's broken-hearted. So?



Henry, he'll probably
be a blubbering mess.

Well, let's have a whip round
for a box of kleenex, then.

Dave?

This, erm, office lottery,
it's a quid a ticket,

but only 48p goes on prizes.

Yeah, well, Gus made me donate 10p

to the millennium new photocopier fund.

I'm giving 1p to unmarried mothers.

Makes a change from
your usual donation!

What about the rest of it?

Well, there's admin costs, advertising.

Advertising?!

Yes!

So, is this sugar? Hey, careful!



They might be hatching.

What might be hatching?

My cockroach grubs.

Your what?!

My cockroach grubs.

They're for my scorpion.

Scorpion?!

Yes, I've always kept a scorpion,
ever since I was a child.

You mean, as pets?

When the grubs hatch out,

the scorpion crushes it with its claws,

kills it with the sting,
emits this digestive fluid,

which liquefies it and then
sucks it up like a milkshake.

Oh, god!

Hello, George.

So, how are you?

Let's cut the small talk
and get going, shall we?

Is that the sporting life, David?

Er, yes. Formal reprimand for slacking.

George... make that a £25
fine for insubordination.

I've only just... 50!

From now on, this office is
going to be hard-working,

focused and efficient.

Ok. Let's go to work.

Right, John Major says he wants
all Irish paramilitaries

to give up their arms.

Why, has he run out of stuff
to flog to Indonesia?

Oh, wake up and smell the toast!

We should be leading with
Bruce grobbelaar allegations.

Dave, go out and find
a couple of new birds

who claim they've bonked him.

Let's see if we can
blame him for the riot

at the end of the Zimbabwe match.

George, isn't that too
sensational for a lead?

There is no such thing
as "too sensational".

Now, let's get out
there and kick bottom.

Guten!

Good morning, scoopmeisters!

We've got a bit of a bluebottle in
the baby lotion situation here.

Tony Bailey's in hospital and won't
be able to make the flight tonight

for that conference in acapulco.

Well, we'll just have to
send one of the newsreaders.

Acapulco! "Egg-felente!"

Why, may I ask, do you
automatically assume

you should be the replacement?

I shall be going, my dear,

because you have all
the analytical powers

of a lobotomised tapeworm.

But the flight is tonight, Henry.

There won't be time to put
your wig through quarantine.

I do actually think, Sally,

that in this case Henry is the
right person for the job.

Oh, you do, do you, Helen?

And what does that say?

It says "George dent, editro".

Precisely.

I'm in charge around here,
and I make the decisions.

Well, whatever, I could do with
a couple of days in the sun.

And Sally is going to acapulco.

What?!

You're sending this
painted crash test dummy?

Thank you, George.

It's about time I had the opportunity

to show my potential as an
international correspondent.

And acapulco is the
perfect place to start.

I've always loved Italy.

Do you hear that? Are
you serious, George?!

Does the pope shit in the woods?

Well, I must go and
do some preparation.

Joy, order me a taxi to
Harvey Nichols, would you?

But, George...

George, George.

Could you join me to stir-fry a
few thoughts in my strategy wok?

Ok. Let's cook. But, but...

Brave decision strategies
there, George.

Yes.

Not afraid to be disliked.

The key to leadership.

Believe me, I know.

But I... nice office, by the way.

Yes, thank you George, now...

I prefer this office to mine. Yes.

Always have done.

Still... just a matter of time.

What?

Nothing.

Now, time is money,

download me your information
and let's turn up the burners.

Well, George, sending Sally to
acapulco rather than Henry...

I hope you're not trying
to question my judgement.

Oh, not at all, George. I'm impressed.

And I'm sure sir royston will
be heartily impressed, too.

Sally smedley,

widely perceived as viewer-friendly,
but intellectually challenged.

Writing her own hard copy,

and delivering it live
from a foreign country

without an autocue.

He chuckles

it's ground-breaking, George.

Was there anything else?

No, not really. I just thought... good.

I'm gonna have a big painting on
this wall when I move in here.

A big expensive painting.

Healthy competition.

Excellent.

George clicks tongue

and so, this beautiful,
unspoiled estuary,

home to a multitude of wildlife,
has rapidly fallen victim

to the callous, indiscriminate
dumping of toxic waste,

which has already claimed
thousands of victims

in this stretch of water alone.

Mmm...

I just want to see that again.

Tape rewinds

it's not good enough, Damien.

Well, ok, so we did add a
few dead fish, but the...

There weren't enough.

Besides, dead fish aren't as
tear-jerking as dead mammals.

It's a pity there wasn't a
decomposing otter or two.

But I don't think there are any
otters in that part of the country.

Well, there weren't any
dead fish, were there?

I'll see what I can do.

George, do you want a
sandwich at lunchtime?

Lunch?

Lunch is for wimps.

I want coffee and I want it now.

Why certainly, oh,
master of the universe.

Right, £30 fine for insolence.

You're fining me £30?

That is correct.

You really don't wanna do that, George.
You're wrong, George.

I mean, fining Dave or Henry
is one thing, but you know me,

I'm joy, I'm a deeply
vindictive person.

And I'm George dent.

And I don't get intimidated
by the office dogsbody.

Office dogsbody!

Man that is born of woman hath
but a short time to live.

George?

About this acapulco trip,

do you really think Sally will
be able to deal with the issues?

Oh, stuff the issues.

All she has to do is flash
a bit of cleavage and say,

"the mood is one of cautious optimism."

A parrot with tits could do it.

George!

However, given Sally has a
slightly smaller vocabulary

than the average parrot, you
will be going with her.

But? But what?

But I want to spend
some time with Chloe.

I never get to see
enough of her as it is.

I just feel that... feel?

Professionals don't have feelings.

Feelings are for sad
losers in cardigans,

who spend their whole weekends

weeping along to their
Chris de burgh albums.

No.

You are going to acapulco,
whether you like it or not.

George, if anyone in this
office is a professional, I am,

but I want to spend some time
with my daughter. Tough!

If you can't stand the
kitchen, get out of it.

Your coffee.

Oh, erm... thank you,
joy, you're very kind.

About time, too!

Filling in these lottery tickets
is harder than I thought.

I was gonna use the number of
times I had sex last month,

but the ticket only goes up to 49!

Well, try limiting it

to the number of times there
was someone else there.

Hello, battersea dogs home?

I was wondering if you'd found my dog.

Well, it's a mongrel.

Very unusual-looking.

I suppose it looks
rather like an otter.

You don't have any dogs
that look like otters?

Well, perhaps from some angles
it looks more like a seal?

All right, I'll be back
from acapulco on Thursday.

Helen, please don't mention
acapulco in the office.

Remember what happened when Henry
found out you were coming with me?

I couldn't bear the
sight of a grown man

head-butting a photocopier
twice in one day.

Henry, I am sorry.

I didn't mean to be indelicate
by mentioning acapulco.

But frankly, at this distance,

I didn't think you'd
notice me say "acapulco".

Had I remembered you had new
batteries in your hearing aids,

I would naturally have made
no reference whatsoever

to that sunny playground of the rich.

Bursting at the seams

with beautiful, long-limbed
sun-bronzed women.

Acapulco!

Is that the one in Mexico,
or the one in Italy?

Come on, you sad hacks.
Pull your fingers out.

I still need a big bang,
a bereaved relative

and something small and
Fluffy for the six.

Well, I've got to hand it to George.

He may have been a little
stressed this morning,

but he knows how to deliver
motivational speech.

George is in big trouble.

He's getting praise from Gus.

Yeah, I never thought I'd hear
myself saying this, Dave,

but while I'm away, you are
going to have to make sure

that this office maintains a
decent standard of ethics.

Sure. It's listed under e.

Perfect.

Now, Henry, I just want to drop
some descaler in your think tank.

George has got a lot
riding on his decision

to send Sally to acapulco.

So, erm, we wouldn't want her
to appear out of her depth

in this interview, would we?

For once, Gus, I
understand you perfectly.

She yawns

I told you you shouldn't
stay up all night.

You don't imagine

I was out socialising for
my own enjoyment, do you?

I was cultivating
contacts, it takes time.

At first, you don't know where
to find the good information.

Then suddenly you discover it,

tattooed on the chest of one
of the Colombian drivers.

I really don't know what
you're talking about.

Good morning, your
highness, can you hear me?

Can you hear me, you sad, old slapper?

You tacky brain-dead old trollop.

Sorry, what was that?

Live in ten seconds, Sally. Good luck.

Cue, Henry.

In acapulco, the pan-American
conference on drugs and terrorism

opened yesterday. Sally
smedley is live in acapulco.

Sally, what good does
this conference serve?

'Well, Henry, sometimes you'd
think its only purpose

'was to wine, dine and pamper us
international correspondents.

'There was an incredibly lavish
press reception last night

'on the moonlit ocean-side
terrace of the acapulco hotel.'

and you learned what?

'Well, Henry, despite the
overwhelmingly opulent hospitality,

'which really had to be
seen to be believed,

'the major players seem
to be keeping their cards

'very close to their chests.'

so, you have nothing to tell us?

'Well, Henry, I would
have to say, on balance,

'that it's... interesting.'

can you expand on that?

'Well, it's... Very interesting.'

Sally smedley there,
live from acapulco,

where apparently, it's interesting
and very interesting.

And now for home news.

Speculation...

Well, I think that went rather well.

Sally, you didn't deliver one
substantial piece of information.

That's hardly the point, is it, Helen?

Couldn't you sense how
furious Henry was

every time I mentioned the hospitality?

Perhaps, I could prompt you
with idiot boards next time.

You mean cue cards, don't you, Helen?

I know what I mean. Now, listen, Sally,

you really are going to have
to do some proper research,

or next time Henry
will just chew you up

and spit you out in little pieces.
Absolutely, Helen.

Have you seen my lip gloss?

Call yourself a professional?

You were deliberately trying
to make Sally look stupid.

Yes, Henry, always setting yourself
these impossible challenges (!)

I'm sure Sally'll prove
George right in the end.

Both to us and our hard-bitten

and ever-watchful
proprietor, sir royston.

Yes, indeedy.

Sally was jet-lagged. You wait, pal.

It's not over until
the fat lady says so.

There's a message for
Damien, some garage called

asking where he wants his 500
gallons of sump oil delivered.

Best leave that one to
George's surefooted expertise.

What are you reading?

Just checking up on eating disorders.

Sally's off her food.

Eh?

I've tried her on grubs,
maggots, woodlice.

Oh, your scorpion!

She's been acting very oddly.

She even tried to sting Gus
while they were mating.

Damien, congratulations
on the wildlife piece.

Excellent stuff, excellent ratings.

And how lucky to get that shot

of all those dead animals floating by.

Yes, well, fortune favours the brave.

Besides, the pollution was very bad.

Yes, sad how easy it is to kill a seal.

It's not that easy.

Apparently...

It just goes to show how
bad the pollution was.

There's this.

The head of John Major's policy
unit's given up her job,

I suppose she had nothing to do.

And Malcolm rifkind wants
closer ties with America,

says he sees the Atlantic
as a bridge, not an ocean.

Well, let's hope he
goes for a long stroll

across the bridge this weekend.

By the way, joy, what was going
on last Friday afternoon?

Apparently, our TV tech
said that Margaret Thatcher

had been killed in a combine
harvester accident.

I'd had a bad week, I
needed cheering up.

Yes, well, that got us
a lot of publicity,

so leave it for a week and
then do it to prince Philip.

Erm, George, if I could have a word.

This new system of monitoring
staff performance.

What about it?

All these gold stars and black spots
is causing a lot of resentment.

Is that a criticism, David?

Well, I thought... right.

You should take a leaf
out of Damien's book.

Damien, more feedback
on your wildlife piece.

Yes, well, it's hardly
surprising, is it?

After all, I did oversee the project.

Keep looking over your
shoulder, partner.

Most of it pointing out
that the dead seal,

third from the left, was
in fact a sea lion,

and you don't get them
in British waters.

The rspca want to know where
you got the corpses from.

Hmm... that's a challenging situation
for you, isn't it, George?

I'll give Damien another
gold star, shall I?

Right, that's another £30 fine, joy!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Going to Sally straight
out of this vt, Henry.

Oh, good.

You're not going to enjoy this, George.

If you thought I made her look
stupid yesterday, watch this.

Feel free to give it
everything you've got, Henry.

Cue, Henry.

Sally smedley is live in
acapulco, apparently.

Sally, what developments
have there been so far?

'Well, Henry, the sun is shining
here brighter than ever today.'

that's fascinating, Sally. So
nothing at all to report again?

'Far from it, Henry. I
have lots to tell you.'

do go on.

'Well, Henry, I can report exclusively

'that the Colombian delegation
are ready to strike a deal.

'The Americans and the Colombians

'had a secret off-the-record
meeting last night,

'at which the following
five-point plan was agreed.'

anyone got any smelling salts?
What's up?

Henry's catatonic.

Sally just pulled it off.

She had all this brilliant
inside information.

Henry changed colour so much

we thought there was a
fault on the camera.

So, no smelling salts?

Oh, well, I'll just have to stab
him in the leg or something.

Damn (!)

Damn!

Unbelievable! Un-bloody-believable!

Yes, terrific, wasn't it?

I've just talked to Helen,

I think she may have identified
Sally's confidential source.

That off-the-record chat took
place in a diplomatic limo.

So? Driven by a muscle-bound bodyguard

with lots of tattoos,
need I go further?

It sounds like Sally did.

Anyway, I suppose it goes to show

that George was right to send her.
Right?

Rubbish! Anything she can do, I can do.

Henry, she got that information

by humping a macho Colombian chauffeur.

Ok, maybe I wouldn't
have gone all the way.

Buenos dias, a todos.

As they say in acapulco.

I came in straight from
the airport, Henry,

because I knew you'd want to
congratulate me on my scoop

as soon as possible.

And I also wanted to thank George
for sending me in the first place.

Don't mention it.

Gus, sir royston.

Mm...

Hello, sir royston.

Yes, Sally's acapulco
report did turn out well.

Congratulations?

George rang you and said
it was all my idea.

Really?

When exactly did he
do that, sir royston?

After Sally's first, disastrous report.

Well, thank you very much, sir royston.

"A brilliant and visionary
gamble." You're very kind.

Well, George.

What can I say?

What a generous team player you are.

Thanks, partner.

Have you seen this?

I'm up before the broadcasting
standards council.

You've made me look like the kind
of reporter who makes things up!

Thanks, George!

Yes, I'm not sure sir royston's
gonna be too happy about that.

But don't worry, I'll put
in a good word for you.

He seems quite well
disposed towards me,

since my brilliant and
visionary gamble!

When you're backstabbing, George,

the idea is to stab
someone else in the back.

Right, that's it,

I am fining you £50...
Oh, shut up, George!

You really are pathetic.

I've had it up to here with you!
I could just about cope

with the slope-shouldered
wimp in the cardigan,

but being sent halfway round
the world to play nursemaid

to miss south American
chauffeur shagger 1994...

By a git in a power suit
who can't even outwit Gus,

really is the final straw.

Now, I'm going home to bed and
you can do whatever you like.

Erm, George?

Oh, hello, Dave. Yes, fire away!

Give it to me. Whatever
it is, I can take it.

Well, you have been going
rather over the top recently.

It's very hard work being
ruthless, you know.

These braces really dig
into your shoulders.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Yeah. Why not?

Oh, joy, I'm sorry I
shouted at you like that

and, er, docked your wages.

I hope you accept my
humblest apologies.

All right, then.

What are you doing?

I suppose I'd better take my
scorpion out of your drawer.

Sally: I do feel sorry for the queen.

David: In what way?

It must be terrible just sitting there

reading out copy someone
else has written.

I know, I used to have to do it.

Right, so what do you reckon
to the government's plans

to break the gas monopoly?

It's a good idea. Freedom to buy
gas from wherever it's cheapest.

What if you live in penzance and
the cheapest gas is in aberdeen?

They dig a trench all
the way to your house?

This is 1994, David. Haven't
you heard of fibre optics?

Silly me!

Now, what's this so-called
big story from dublin

about a cafe having its
electricity cut-off? Eh?

Something about a teashop losing power.

Sally, the taoiseach is
the Irish Prime Minister.

Yes, I know that.

So, how long has he
been running a cafe?