Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 4, Episode 5 - Helen's Parents - full transcript

'This episode was first
broadcast in October '94,

'in a week when government
minister Neil Hamilton

'became the latest casualty of sleaze,

'and president Clinton was
accused of sexual impropriety.'

so, then, the surgeon
says, "sorry, mr Murdoch,

"but we couldn't get at your piles

"without removing Andrew neill's head."

Well, that's disgusting, Henry!

Helen, we need a rapid interface
in the chinwag department.

I understand Sally's...

With child? She told you?



No, I read the graffiti in the lift.

How did this happen, Helen?

I don't know, and I'm
terribly sorry, Gus.

I realise it's a part of my duties

to check on our newsreaders'
contraceptive devices

Helen, please! Can we
impose a levity embargo?

Dave chuckles

and I don't want any so-called
office humour about all this

from you, Dave, is that clear?
Absolutely, Gus.

Morning. How is everyone?

We're fine, George, how are you?
I'm terrific.

Hale, healthy, ripper
chipper and raring to go.

George, you haven't been
trying those little pills

that Deborah brought home
again, have you? No, no, no.



Who needs pills? I'm high on life!

There, I've wasted your bishop.
You two playing chess?

No, George, rugby league.

You should try playing against
one of those computers.

Of course, it's hard to beat
a cold, calculating machine.

But I reckon the computer
would be in with a chance.

"The computer
would be in with a chance."

He hasn't been trying
those little pills

that Deborah brought
home again, has he?

Oh, that explains it. What?

The bunny cardigan? He's in love again.

Oh, no! Oh, here we go again!

Well, maybe this time it'll work out.

No, seriously, I can see how George
would be attractive to a woman.

Well, a certain sort of woman.

In some circumstances, anyhow,
at least on a certain sort of...

Tory sleaze, how are we getting on?

Talking of sleaze, any
more on that minister,

rumoured to have taken a
£500,000 bribe? Not yet.

Tuts damn.

No, it's ok, you're
still all right, mate.

Dave. I wonder, could we
have a quiet word? Sure.

Well, my mum and dad are coming
to visit me for a few days,

and they're very traditional, and...

I've never told them that I'm gay.

In fact, I've lied to them a bit and
told them that I've got a boyfriend.

In fact, I've told them it was you.

I see. So, er, how long have
we been going out together?

Ever since I split up with Damien.

What I wondered...

What I wondered was, whether
you could come around tonight

and play the part? It'd
save a lot of questions.

Yeah, sure. I could do that.

So, erm, you just happened to
pick me out at random, did you?

No, not at random.

I picked you because you are the
office's most experienced liar.

They're getting there at
seven, so turn up at six

so I can fill you in. I'll be there.

Morning. Feeling all right?

I feel a bit strange, to be honest.

That's probably the
hormones taking over.

It's odd, you'll find, in many
ways, you're no longer in control.

No longer in control?!

I think I'm going to get
this whole thing sorted out

as soon as possible.

You do realise that's quite a
traumatic thing, don't you?

Of course. I've read about it
several times in Cosmopolitan.

Still, I suppose it
might be a good idea

if I took a friend along with me.
Yes, definitely.

Normally, it would be
difficult to choose,

because I have so many friends, but...

Right now, they're all on holiday...
together.

And, erm, on holiday in... Would
you like me to come along?

If it's no trouble.

Shouldn't be any problem, it's the
same clinic as does the royals.

I'll wear my tiara Sally.

I just wanted to tell
you how delighted I am

to hear that you've been
visited by mr stork.

Thank you, George. Soon be hearing
the pitter-patter of tiny feet, eh?

You must be over the moon.
You must excuse me.

He sighs a woman having a baby.

Never ceases to be a mystery, does it?
Certainly doesn't.

Six months' leave, maternity pay,
and you can't even fire them.

Yes, I'm sure that's the only reason
they get pregnant Exactly.

Still, at least with you, Helen,
I know there's no danger of...

Er, you becoming... what not.

You-you being a...
Thingamajiggy in your...

Well, must mingle.

Stupid, stupid, stupid man!

Hey, Henry, Henry, guess what? Mm? Yes?

Helen has asked me to go
round to her place tonight

and pretend to be her boyfriend.

Oh, god, you're not still
flogging that dead horse?!

No, no, I'm all over that.

I mean, I admit, a few years back,
I did get a bit upset over her.

A bit upset?!

You cried so much in that
restaurant, you melted my sorbet.

You're still moping after her.
It's affecting your style, man!

It isn't. It is. Listen...
For your information,

I've slept with three temps
in the last two weeks, ok?

Married? All three. That's my boy.

You know, I think, deep down,

Michael portillo's probably
got quite a nice personality.

George, are you by any chance in love?

Hm. Ha! You women, eh!

I suppose it shows in my face?
Yes, sort of.

George, what I wanted
to say was, be careful.

Sometimes, you have
very high expectations.

Today's the big day, you know?

I'm going to tell Anna how I feel.

She's lovely, Helen. I really
think this is the one.

Yes, George, only... you know, I
was just thinking back 22 years,

to when I first started
going out with Margaret.

I remember our first date,
going out to the cinema.

Then, she walked me to the bus
stop, to say goodnight...

..And after I shook hands, she said,

"no, George dent, I'm
going to kiss you,

"because otherwise I
don't win the bet."

She had a great sense
of humour, Margaret.

How I loved her that night.

Of course, things turned sour.

The arguments, the recriminations...

The bitterness.

And then we got married.

Still, that's ancient history.

I really think I stand a
chance of happiness this time.

I'm sorry, er...

What was it you wanted to say
to me about expectations?

Nothing.

Anyone seen Sally?

Probably chucking up in the toilet.
Oh, god.

If she has this baby, it's
gonna be so inconvenient!

I don't know what you're worrying
about, she'll never keep it.

Sally has all the maternal
instincts of an ironing board.

I mean, if she ever gave birth to
a baby, she'd probably eat it.

What? Er... he chuckles

what are they? Gloves, Gus.

They're very small gloves. Yes.

They're for my neighbour's little girl.
Oh, good.

And so are all of these.

Doorbell rings oh, at last!

I was beginning to think this
young man of yours didn't exist.

Oh, don't be silly, dad.
Now, do your tie up.

And don't go on about your operation.

You're late! Yes, I know, I'm sorry.

Delays on the northern line due to
the service being complete crap.

We sat in a tunnel for 20 minutes.
Geez, you've let me down again.

What was I supposed to do? Get out
the bloody train and push it?

Now, don't you two quarrel.

No, let... let's not, darling.

Hello. I'm Dave. Pleased
to meet you, mrs Cooper.

Bernice, please.

I'm Alfred. And I'm
pleased to meet you, sir.

Well, that smells good.

She's a terrific cook, isn't she?
Is she?

Er, no, not really.

She's actually pretty awful, eh?!
Oh, come on, she's not that bad.

Er, no, no, no, she's...
She's a very medium cook.

Dave, why don't you sit down and
get a drink? Good idea, darling.

How are you getting on with
our granddaughter, then?

Oh, like a house on fire... in fact,

I should just nip upstairs and
say goodnight. Won't take long.

Yes, it will, she's in York.

School trip, you remember, dear?

Oh, yes, yes. Silly me.

Well, I-i must just go and
visit the little boy's room.

Clattering

but first, I'll do a spot of ironing.

So, erm... how do you
think it went last night?

I mean, I quite enjoyed it.

Mum and your dad there, I
thought we made a nice couple.

Obviously, there were a couple
of slightly iffy moments.

Slightly iffy moments?!

My parents think I'm
going out with someone

Virginia bottomley returned
into the community.

Look, I'm sorry, I was nervous.

Look, let me give it another try, huh?

Oh, god! Details of lilley's
new plan for the unemployed.

No, they're not unemployed any more...

They're jobseekers.

Presumably, we don't have homeless,
we have accommodation seekers.

We don't have NHS queues,
we have bed seekers.

We don't have Peter lilley, we
have a smack-in-the-mouth seeker.

It's bloody frightening!

They've wrecked the welfare state,
they've wrecked the economy,

and now they wanna wreck the
English language! God, it's 1984!

No, Henry, it's 1994.

Oh, dear, you're not on the ball today.

♪ Spread a little
happiness as you go by. ♪

Morning, everyone.

Morning, Helen.

I told Anna the way I feel, and
she feels the same way about me.

George, that is what
Anna said, is it? Yes!

Oh, isn't love wonderful and
splendid and mountain-moving,

and gives you so much confidence?

Makes you so much better
at dealing with people.

Morning, Henry. Piss off, George.

Not losing, by any chance, are we?

Bloody stupid game, anyway. Where
have you ever seen a horse

that goes one step forwards
and two steps sideways?

When you backed it, Henry.

Very... very bloody amusing

It is, actually, because I've got
you in checkmate again, this move.

Oh, yeah? You wanna bet?

There. Cheers, Henry.

And don't be hard on yourself, you
did very well... for your age.

Right, I want a rematch, 100 quid.

No, no, you want to save
your remaining brain cells

for the simple things,

like remembering where you left
your senior citizen's bus pass.

All right, make it 200 quid. Done.

All right, listen up, everybody,
Helen has very kindly picked

the winner of this week's competition,

which asked, "what would it take

"to make Neil Hamilton
resign willingly?"

In third place... is Laura,

with, "he is filmed fisting
Virginia bottomley

"in a foursome with Saddam
Hussein and red rum."

In second place is Rick with,
"he is discovered to be the man

"who came up with bt's it's
good to talk campaign."

But the winner is joy with...

"Don't be stupid, Dave, he'd
never resign willingly."

Applause whoo!

If you could move sometime
before the millennium, dear boy.

Yes, all right, all right. Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Just shut up, will you?

Mm... ah!

Oh, Damien, you've lost
your other pointy thing.

And no long faces.

He whistles

and where are the knives?

Big cupboard on the right,
second drawer down.

How did we get together?

Ah, friendship turned to romance
during that weekend in Brighton.

Dinner, dancing, moonlight...

Spend all Saturday in bed
drinking champagne, making love.

It was not like that
at all, we agreed -

we went out and saw
the sights together.

No, no, no, that was Sunday.

And we kissed like teenagers
in the tunnel of love.

We did not kiss like teenagers.

That is so like you,
pretending it never happened.

Where are the wine glasses kept?
Er, bottom cupboard, left.

Bought them on a day
trip to the cotswolds...

When we made love on the back
seat of a rented Ford fiesta.

Stop this, this is my life
we're inventing, and I...

Hello, Dave. Helen. How are you? Liz.

Hi. Hi. Hello, Gus.

Liz. I used to work here.

Oh, yes, terrific. Liz Barnes.

Burns. Worked in legal. Accounts.

Left to join the BBC. To get married.

Exactly. I remember you well.

And this... is a baby.

Not bad. One out of four.

Oh, no. Coochy-coo.

Oh! May I hold him?

Do you really want to? Yes, please.

Oh, all right, then. Joy,
do you remember Liz?

Oh, so you spawned successfully.

Oh, looks just like Derek.

Must be a relief, hey, Dave?

He's lovely.

Yes. Erm, talking of children,
how's Deborah, George?

Oh, she's much better.

She seems to have got through
her ram-raiding phase.

And I'm sure it'll be the
same with the joyriding.

The magistrates were
actually rather impressed

that she could operate
an intercity 125.

And to think that one of these...

Can turn into one of those.
This just in...

"Martin McGuinness reconfirms his claim

"that major is working
towards a united Ireland."

Obviously given up on a united Britain.

Henry, telephone message for you.
Oh, cheers. Hey.

You're playing that game
for Henry, aren't you?

I was essex school champion.

Me and Henry are
splitting the winnings.

That's a bit bent, isn't it?

Not as bent as your nose
will be if you tell Damien.

Mm... nyup! Oh, no,
you've lost your horsey.

Oh, thank you, anatoly
bloody Karpov

George, someone called
Anna in reception for you.

Anna. That's her.

God. She said she might drop by.
I'll go down and meet her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, George, George.

Play it cool, huh? Not too eager.

So, what do you reckon? Oh,
it'll be some sad old spinster

who's picked up George because
her favourite labrador's died.

Now, Helen, I hope we've got plenty
on that Tory cash-for-questions row?

Sorry, Gus, didn't
hear you quite right.

No, mr royston says go to town.

Apparently, one of
them overcharged him.

I'd like you all to
meet Anna, everybody.

I am very pleased to meet you all.

Anna is from Poland. But now
my English is quite good.

One day, I hope to even
understand Lloyd Grossman.

Well, we've all got a news
broadcast to get out.

Now, you all know what you've gotta do,

so let's kick rubber
and burn some arses.

Anna, I'll show you my office.

She's beautiful. Very sexy.

She certainly is...

An interesting woman.

I mean, come on, it's your move.

Oh, so eager for execution, dear boy.

Erm...

Ah! Good lord!

I do believe that is checkmate.
Oh, you were just jammy.

Fancy a decider? Ok. £500, shall we say?
Yeah, ok.

And this is my wall planner...

Nice... Where I plan things...

..On my wall.

Anna...

Look, I just wanted to thank you

for transforming my life into
something quite wonderful.

You mean so much to me. And
you mean so much to me.

Broccoli's very tasty. Oh.

That reminds me, how's your back? What?

You hurt it in the vegetable
garden last June,

I seem to remember Helen mentioned it.
Oh, yes, that.

Must have been around the
time that auntie hilda,

who married that Peruvian...
Had that car accident... yes.

..In that white Morris minor of hers,

when she was overtaking a milk
float outside harrogate, after...

More carrots, anybody? Not for me.

Er, yes, I'll have some,
darling, thank you.

What about yourself? No, thanks.
Build yourself up.

Need your strength for those
metalwork classes. Metalwork?!

Mm. Helen's hobby. Yes,
it's very relaxing.

Metalwork? Mm.

Oh, no, needlework!

What? Needlework, that... That...
that's her hobby.

Along with metalwork. I think these
carrots need some more salt.

I'll get some. It's on the top shelf,

in the lower cupboard, on the left.

Look... mum, dad...

..I have to be honest with you.

There's something I've been meaning
to tell you for a long time now.

The fact is, I'm a...

..I'm, erm...

..I'm a bit worried
about those carrots.

Do you want anything else brought in?
Pepper? Ketchup? Yoghurt? No.

I'll bring some, just in case.
I know where it is.

I can't take any more of this.

The truth is, love, we're dead
worried about this fellow of yours.

Yes, dear. He does seem a little bit...

What's the word? Barking.

Bonkers. Clinically insane.

I don't understand. You could
have any man in the world

and you have to pick him? Oh, great

You're always moaning on
at me to have a boyfriend,

and now I do, you don't like him.

We're not criticising, dear,
we're just... it's all right.

It's not a problem. I'll ditch him.
No, darling...

I'm going to ditch you. What?

I've had enough, all right? I
think we should call it a day.

Call it a day? Break up. Split up.
Don't see each other any more.

Oh, I thought we were
getting on so well.

Ok, don't overdo it. Helen...

You have no idea what my being
here with you means to me.

This is the relationship that I've
been yearning for all these years,

even when I'm out shagging
some married woman,

it's always you I really want.

You are pathetic!

You didn't really think it would
work out between us, did you?

Now, get out, you stupid
man, and don't come back!

She used to be so gentle.

This just in.

"Paula Jones is giving details of
her sexual encounter with Clinton."

Apparently, she didn't inhale.

Helen, erm, that was very
funny last night, you know,

you did that pretend rant

and called me pathetic and everything.

It was a very good piece of acting.

It was acting, wasn't it?
Course it was.

Course.

Damien, this, er, middle
east peace agg...

Why the long face? Oh,
it's this chess, isn't it?

You don't wanna get yourself worked
up over some stupid little game.

I don't wanna get worked
up, but I am, ok?!

Well, look, don't tell
anyone I told you this,

but, erm, apparently, joy
is a junior chess champion,

and she's been making
Henry's moves for him.

She's the one who's been beating you.
Isn't that funny?

Hilarious That's better.

George, can I talk to you for a minute?
Of course you can.

I was... I was just wondering...

When you talked about
your daughter yesterday,

all her problems and...

Would you say you're glad you had her?
Oh, yes.

Kids are wonderful, Sally.

Unlike adults, they give
love unconditionally.

So, like pekinese?

Erm, yes, like a
pekinese, only more so.

You see, George, I've been
feeling things recently

I've never felt before.

Sort of a...

..Well, a... tenderness?

So, that's what it is!

Yes, it must be.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think I
might like to keep this baby.

I think that's a decision
you would never regret.

Thank you, George.

You know, I never
thought I'd say this...

But you've been a great help.

Don't mention it.

Sorry, we're looking for Helen.
We're her parents.

Oh, come in, come in. Sit down.
Thank you. Thank you.

I'm George dent. Helen won't be far.

We're doing a spot of sightseeing.
Just thought we'd drop by.

Oh, she'll be thrilled.

The truth is, mr dent... we're
a bit worried about Helen.

We had a very strange
evening at her place.

Well, look, I'm going to let
you into a little secret.

Dave was just pretending
to be her boyfriend.

George chuckles

mind you, of course, he'd
like to be her boyfriend,

but he can't because,
erm, she's special...

In a way that, there in
some regards is different,

is, in many regards, the same
as the people who don't...

Share this specialness.

Here she is now.

Helen, your mum and dad were
a bit worried about you,

but it's ok, I've reassured them.
George!

Sally says you've convinced her
she should keep this baby.

Yes! Isn't that happy news?

But then, that's gonna be
my mission from now on.

Promoting happiness and
harmony in this office.

George, I thought I was
covering cash for questions?

No, you're doing
houses for votes,

Dave's doing cash for questions.

No, Dave thinks he's doing
hotel breaks for ministers,

since Damien's doing money for visas

cos Helen's doing
bribes for arms sales.

Yes, yes, ok. I'll do a rota.
Oh, this job!

Look, Neil Hamilton says

he was hounded from office
by a media witch-hunt.

Yeah, good to know one's
time is not entirely wasted.