Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Wedding - full transcript

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first
broadcast in December '94,

'in a week when the west struggled
to respond to serbian aggression

'and John Major lost a crucial
commons vote over vat on fuel.'

chatter, phones ringing

hello, George!

Hello, Dave! How are we both?
Keeping well?

Fine, thank you, Gus. Yes, fine.

Nice weekend?

Erm, have we done something wrong?

Gus chuckles you two
are always joshing.



No, I'm reading this great
new book on the benefits

of reciprocal socio-integrational
relationships

within the work environment.
He means having friends.

Ah. Exactly.

And from now on, I shall be
developing my profile in that area.

Respect! Gus chuckles

oh, dear. I don't like
the sound of this.

God, you look awful. Yes, I know.

In the last three nights,
I've had roughly, ooh,

six hours' sleep, thanks
to a screaming kid.

Why, was your latest conquest teething?

It all started on Friday morning
with a tiny "drip, drip"

from a faulty ballcock.

Like a fool, I called a plumber.



I left for work while he
replaced a tiny fibre washer.

Sadly, even though a myopic
mole wearing a balaclava helmet

would've spotted it, he failed
to notice that the ballcock

was jammed in a downward position,

so that, when I returned home,
my very efficient header tank

had very efficiently filled my
entire house with cold water.

Spent the whole bloody weekend
running round on a bloody sofa

with my bloody nephew's kid

screaming his sodding bloody head off!

Still, the builders have
promised that at least one room

will be habitable by tonight.

Yes...

Water can do a lot of damage, can't it?

I remember the time I stopped
Deborah's pocket money

and she put the lawn sprinkler
on in the sitting room.

Still, you have to laugh!

May I have your attention, everyone?

I have an announcement to make
about the stationery cupboard.

Hang on, I'll alert the un (!)

Our stationery bill is
totally out of control.

People are wandering in and
taking whatever they want,

so, from now on, the
cupboard will remain locked

and the key will remain with joy,
who will be in charge of assessing

all stationery requests.

Yep, that's a record.

9:18, and my job is already more
crap than it was last week.

I know it's a bit of
an imposition, joy...

Oh, come off it, it's only looking
after a bit of stationery.

For god's sake, woman,
you're such a whinger!

Well, it's been a pleasure.

Good luck in your next life.

Would you like to retract that remark?

No.

9:19.

What are you writing down there?
What's she writing down?

Hello. Hello.

Hello, Michelle, hello, Ben.

Only five more days till the big day.

To our big day. She giggles

oh, don't forget the hen
night on Wednesday.

That's girls only, of course.
Wouldn't want any of you boys there.

I might be tempted to
have one last fling!

Damn!

And of course, all you lads are
invited to my stag night...

If only to stop me from
having a last fling. Ben!

I give it six months.

That's very cynical, Helen.

In my judgement, they
are perfectly matched.

In that case, I give it three months.

Anyway, I trust you will
all wish to contribute

to Michelle's wedding present.

Oh, honestly.

We're always being pestered for
contribution to wedding presents,

leaving presents, retirement present.

Yeah, but you never give anything.

That's not the point. It's wrong
to encourage materialism.

Ok! New running order.

We'll lead with the impact of
vat on fuel on the elderly...

Well, my uncle Stanley says he's all
in favour of vat increases on fuel.

Oh, and, er... and is an oap, is he?

No, he's an undertaker.

And then, new item two -
oil under windsor castle.

Good news, but a bit of a fire risk.

Item three... Bosnia.

God, what a balls-up that is.

John Major's warning the Bosnian
serbs to stop taking hostages

or he'll withdraw the troops,

which is exactly what the bloody
serbs want in the first place!

So we boldly stand
around in blue helmets,

and bestriding it all, Douglas Hurd -

the thinking man's draft excluder.

The man who makes
George look effective!

Ok, come along, then, Dave.

You can be the first to donate
to Michelle's wedding present.

Ah, erm, yeah, look, George,
I'm a bit short at the moment,

thanks to a brilliant
piece of performance art

called still life: Horse
stuck in starting gate.

Would you believe it?

Those bloody builders say the house
isn't ready to move back in.

I've got to get some sleep tonight!
I can't go back to my nephew's.

Oh, er, look, Henry, erm...
if it's any help...

..I do have a sleep
area-overcapacity situation.

Oh, er, well, er, no.

I-I mean, I-i-i couldn't. It's
ok, I'll check into a hotel.

Oh, no, no, no...

Oh, come on, Henry.

I think it's very kind of Gus to offer.

Oh, yes, Henry. I mean, well, you
haven't got anywhere to stay,

a hotel will be expensive.

And Gus is offering you a bed for free.

Now, what possible reason
could you have for not going?

Yes, well, erm, it is only
for one night, I'm sure.

All right, Gus, thank you.

Terrific! It'll give us
a chance to establish

some co-beneficial
relationship foundations. Mm!

Catch you later.

Flatmate. Ha!

And...

..Now I'm going to kill you.

George, here's that pad you wanted. Ah.

Oh, actually, can I have a pad? No.

You've just given one to George. I know.
Funny old world, isn't it?

Never mind, Damien. You
can have this one.

Doorbell

Henry! Welcome to my
humble living space.

Thank you.

Have you, er... have you just moved in?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I've been here
nearly five years now.

So, Henry...

We're gonna have a
terrific evening together.

Do you like Chinese food?
Yes, I do. Good!

I'm going to enjoy this.

I hear the meal for two is very good.

Oh, no. The answerphone's broken.

The red light's flashing.

I think that means
there's a message on it.

Of course! Yes.

I can't get a moment's peace.

Always seems to be someone
that just has to talk to me.

Honestly, sometimes I wish
I was on a desert island.

Answer machine beeps 'Henry, it's Dave.

'If you fancy a pint tonight,

'I'm going to the red
lion at about half nine.

'I'll see you.' Machine beeps

oh, yeah. It's good to see colleagues

developing their relationship
away from the work environment.

You're not going to the pub, are you?

No. Terrific!

We're gonna have a great night
right here, just the two of us.

You know, it's...

It's so hard to find good
conversationalists these days.

So many people just seem to sit and
stare at the TV all night long

until close down at 12:25.

Or 1:20 on Fridays.

Anyway, look, you... You
choose the food, hey?

There's some beer in the fridge,
and, erm, I'll stick some music on.

Mm.

I hope you like brotherhood of man.

Anthea Turner says that the national
lottery has ruined her sex life.

Yeah, but she's married to
Peter Powell, isn't she?

Thank you, Gus, for the lift,
and I'm ok for tonight,

and, well, thanks for putting me up.

Any time! Bosom buddy.

Well?

It was indescribable. He
wears braces on his pyjamas.

He read me six chapters of sir
royston's authorised biography,

and he talks in his sleep, and
at one point, he was shouting,

"look out, mummy, the snake wants
a reproductive interface!"

Well, he's obviously very lonely.
And deservedly so, in my opinion.

I tell you one thing, I shall never
call John Major boring again.

Still, thank god it's all
over and done with now.

Crisis... disaster...

Catastrophe...? What are you doing?

I'm just trying to find the
right noun for the headline

if the government lose this vat vote.

Mmm... it's got to be
"fuck up", hasn't it?

Henry, it's a message
from your builders.

They're very sorry, but they've
punctured the main sewer

and your cellar is now flooded with
a combined effluent of sw19...

What?! You can't move
back for three weeks.

Oh, bugger, a bloody
buggering bloody bugger!

Problem, Henry? No, no, not at all.

No, George, George, we must do
something on yeltsin and NATO.

Ok, announcement!

Ben's stag party tomorrow
- meet here at eight,

venue to be decided.

Are you organising it, then? Yes.

Ben has asked me to be his best man.

And has Ben just been released
back into the community?

What's the matter? A tenner says he
shags the bride before the wedding.

Oh, no. Wouldn't do that
till after the wedding.

Excuse me, but Ben said he
asked me precisely because

I have the maturity required for
a responsible job like this.

Oh, yes, I can see it
now - as a choir sings,

a soft tear runs down the
bride's mother's cheek.

The groom turns to his radiant beloved,

and the best man reaches for the ring

and then remembers that he lost
it on the two thirty at chepstow.

By the way, Henry, it's a real
shame about your builders

not being able to finish
for another three weeks.

What? I suppose you'll be...
I suppose you'll be stuck

for somewhere to sleep for a while.

Really?!

Well, not to worry, amigo,
you can stay with me again!

It'll give us a chance to try out
a few of my tai chi positions.

Incidentally, compadre, you, erm...
you left the milk

on the wrong shelf of the
fridge this morning.

It's not a problem, just thought I'd
mention it for future reference.

Ciao.

Oi. Oi, oi. Oi.

I need some staples for my stapler.

I'm not sure if I appreciate your tone.

Yes, well, I don't have
to worry about my tone

because I am on-screen talent,

and you are just a poxy, jumped-up,
two-bit little secretary.

Yeah, well, it's not just me who
is fed up of your attitude.

I mean, we all are, aren't we? All: No.

Yeah, well, she doesn't frighten me!

Tyres screech, rowdy chatter

ah, this looks like a
perfect opportunity

for further extending
socio-integrational links

with each other. Huh? Terrific.

What the bloody hell
did you bring him for?

I couldn't help it, he caught
me sneaking out the front door.

So, what happens next, then?

You know, I've never been
on a moose night before.

Well, the tradition is that the
driver gets the first drinks in.

Oh, terrific. How have you
been getting on, big best man?

You have ordered the
stripper, haven't you?

Henry, ordering a stripper
would be vulgar and tacky.

Course I've done it. All: Wahey-hey!

Ah, yes, wahey-hey-hey...

Hey!

Go on, girl, get that down your neck!

Come on, Sally. Come on! Oh, very well.

They cheer, clap

ay caramba! Cheering

oh, shit. Women: Oh, shit!

All right, who cocked
up the stag night?

Me, blame me.

♪ These boots are made for walking

♪ and that's just what they'll do

♪ and one of these days these boots
are gone walk all over you. ♪

Cheering, applause

you hate me, don't you?
No. I don't hate you.

I loathe you sometimes,
but I don't hate you.

Yes, you do. You all hate me.

Everybody hates me. I'm so alone.

Oh, listen, Sally, I... music starts

get off!

Sexist crap! Hey, hey,
hey, how dare you!

How dare you interrupt
a talented artist

in the middle of her performance!

Oh, shut up, you sick old perv!

I just want someone to come home to.

I never seem to meet the
right sort of person.

No. Me neither.

Sometimes I worry about
growing old on my own.

Yes.

It wouldn't have to be the world's
most handsome man, just... faithful.

You know, Sally... you're
a very striking woman.

Thank you, George.

And do you know something?

You're a very drab man.

I must say, I thought
it was outrageous,

the way a gifted performance
artist like yourself was prevented

from expressing her talents.
Oh, well, you get used to it.

I'm only doing this to pay
for my art course, you know.

Oh, you're an art student? I once
interviewed Salvador dali, you know.

You're kidding? Really? Oh,
yes, and David hockney.

Perhaps we can get away
from these philistines

and discuss texture and brushwork.

That sounds like a
very interesting idea.

What ho! Henry? Mate? Gus chuckles

quality stress dissipation
opportunities here, eh?

What? Terrific bash.
Whispers: Piss off.

Are you two friends, then? Oh, yes.

Great mates. Old muckers.

Actually, Gus, we're
discussing dali and fine art

and a whole load of things
you know nothing about.

Ah, but that's the great
thing about having friends.

You can always learn
something from them.

No, you two carry on.

There's only one person
who ever loved me...

Granny.

She loved me.

Even when she locked me in
the coal bunker for two days

for getting crayon on my dress,

she only did it because she loved me.

Oh, granny. Why did you die?

Well, perhaps she spotted a
speck of dust on her blouse

and topped herself!

Sally's right, you know. I am drab.

I'm a failure.

I'm always rejected.

After the first dozen times or
so, it starts to get to you.

Now I'm not sure I'll trust anyone
enough to share my love with them.

What a load of crap!

What is all this whining
about loving and sharing

and not being whole without a partner?

Let me tell you, I don't need anyone.

I'm quite capable of self-fulfilment.

Yes. That's what it says
in the toilets at work!

Good lord!

♪ There's no-one quite like grandma

♪ and I know you will love me... ♪

♪ Tell me why I don't like Mondays

♪ I'm wanna shoot
the-her-her-her-her-her...

♪ The whole day down. ♪

Erm, we'll take a short break
there, so, er, on with the fun.

Er, oh, Gus, can I have
the keys to the flat?

Only, leonie and I thought
we might pop back.

Good idea. You know, I'm a
bit partied out myself.

No, no, no... no, no,
it'll be all right.

The three of us can go back and
get in to some real proactive

recreational interfacing. What...?
Wh-what does he mean?

We could all try some of my oriental
energy-focusing positions. Eh?

No, Gus, you don't understand...
yes, yes.

Come on, let's all go back,
probe our inner selves

and really channel each other.
No, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

This all sounds far too... he's
talking about tai chi! Here...

Dear, dear, dear, what a shame.
Attractive girl.

Well, friend, what shall we do now?

Rowdy chatter

slow music plays

do you fancy me? Erm, well, no.

Well... yes. Make love to me, then.

What?! Go on. What's wrong with me?

Well, nothing. I couldn't,
it'd be indefensible.

Ben's chosen me as his
best man, for god's sake.

Of course. It's just...

I've only ever been with Ben, you see,

and I sort of feel that if I
could have one wild fling,

sort of get that out my system,

it might help to make my
marriage to Ben more secure.

Well, fair enough.

Oh, look!

There's very funny stag-nighty
things going on out here.

They've chained him to a lamp post!
He laughs raucously

Gus: Henry!

Come back!

Henry!

Good evening, sir. Ah. Constable, I...
i-i can explain.

It's a stag night. Oh! Oh,
that's all right, then.

Henry!

Henry hums a tune if I was
you, I'd stop singing

and start clearing my desk.

Gus is already in, and he
didn't look very happy.

Oh? You think it was a bit much?

What, chaining your boss
naked to a lamp post? No (!)

Oh, come on, he wasn't there very long.

I unchained him, didn't I?

Only when that drunk tried
to pick his pocket.

Er, everybody, could you gather
round for a moment, please?

Ooh. That looks impressive.
How much did you collect?

£1.78. Had to put 75 quid in myself.

Step forward, erm, erm...
Michelle and Ben.

..Michelle and Ben.

Marriage is about sharing
your life with another.

It's about learning from each other

and forgiving each
other's little foibles.

Even when your partner deliberately
mis-shelves your milk.

Ha-ha, ha, ha (!)

It is an opportunity... to grow.

To explore each other's interests.

And with familiarity comes
trust and respect...

And understanding.

Yet, sometimes, despite
all your best efforts...

Those you trust betray you.

And end up chaining you
naked to a lamp post

that is frequented by half the
canine population of London!

In fact, I can't understand why
anybody would ever willingly

let anyone else into their
bloody lives at all!

Gift smashes, she sobs

knock, knock. Who's there?

The united nations. United nations who?

I didn't know you were serbian.
She groans

what's that for?

It means Damien is breaking
into the stationery cupboard.

Don't worry about it.

Staples... staples... Staples... ah!

Er... he chuckles

joy, that is pathetic.

Ok, so, erm... Damien screaming

joy! George, it's only 100 volts.

You f-f-f...

Jumped-up, poxy, two-bit
secretary - one,

on-screen talent - nil.

Gus, I...

Going to make another smart remark
about my Lilywhite buttocks?

No.

Is there any reason why I
shouldn't dismiss you? Ah...

What really hurts... is that
I thought we were friends.

Obviously I was wrong. No.

No, no. No, no, no, you... you weren't.

What?

Well, you know how you've
been saying all week

that we've been developing
a relationship,

a proper man-to-man friendship?

And stag nights are when
men express their feelings

by playing practical
jokes on one another.

Making you the central character
in a piece of friendly joshing

was actually the ultimate
expression of our great friendship.

You mean it...

It was just an example of male
bilateral relational bonding?

Exactly.

Well, why didn't you say that?

So we really are...? We're
still mates, then? Mate.

Yes.

Terrific.

Hey, why don't you come
round to my flat tonight?

I've just got my hands
on this new video -

it's rather adult and sophisticated.
Oh, yes, all right, why not?

It's called ten great management
roleplaying scenarios.

'Let's recap. Major withdraws the
whip and Chucks away his majority.'

'creates eight mortal enemies

'and then gives them the perfect
opportunity to destroy him.'

'I've got it - the man's
obviously been given

'a backhander to throw it.'

'i reckon the whole of
the conservative party

'is trying to put clear blue water
between themselves and John Major.'

'well, you do have to ask
yourself - what use is he?'

'well, as long as he's Prime Minister,

'Michael portillo isn't.' 'Mm.'