Drop the Dead Donkey (1990–1998): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Clash of Interests - full transcript
One of Sir Roysten Merchant's chemical companies has spilt some chemicals in Scotland and, given that he also owns GlobeLink, there is a conflict of interest. The decision has to be made on whether to run the story and whereabouts in the programme. Gus nobbles the story by effectively bribing all the staff but George. Dave is updating the prerecorded obituaries and Henry finds out that there is one for him. Henry insists that he watch it and he is not happy with some of the comments. Sally is continuing to make trouble for the team, insisting that she not read so much gloomy news and that she get her own hairdresser.
And now, drop the dead donkey.
This episode was first shown
in a week where investigations
into possible police
corruption gathered momentum,
and the Western powers mobilised
against Saddam Hussein.
Got an awful lot to get
through today, please,
so try and bear with me.
Why don't we do something
on this us stealth bomber?
Apparently, on radar, it looks
just like a small seagull.
Wouldn't the Iraqis get suspicious
when their radar spots seven
seagulls flying in formation
towards Baghdad at 900 miles an hour?
Right, I just want to do
a very brief post-mortem
on yesterday's bulletin.
Damien, your item on mad cow disease.
Look, it was not my fault that the
pictures were so dull, George.
Every cow in that herd had bse.
But could we get any of
them to stagger around
in a wobbly kind of way? No.
They just lay there, doing bugger
all, looking totally sane.
Even after we lobbed
in the firecrackers.
What do you mean, firecrackers?
You know, to get them...
No, no, no.
Right, now... phone rings
yes? Well, I'm in the middle of...
All right, put her on.
I'm sorry about this, everybody.
Yes, love, what is it?
Well, the builders should know
whether it's a
load-bearing wall or not.
No, put Gary on.
Gary, look, is it a
load-bearing wall or not?
Actually, Gary, I don't think,
"well, there's only
one way to find out,"
constitutes a professional
opinion, thank you.
No, you get Norman to ring me.
In the meantime, you
don't touch any walls,
any electrics, anything, all right?
Where was I? Any questions.
Ah, yes. Sally?
Why is it that yet again this week
I've ended up announcing so
many depressing stories?
Chemical weapons in the
Gulf, massacres in soweto.
If this continues, people will
start to associate me with gloom,
depression... nausea, disgust.
She's right, I'm doing it already.
I'm sorry, Sally, but I think
you're just going to have to accept
that, at the moment, the news
tends towards the gloomy side.
How are we going to cover this
report coming out on Thursday
about the chemical
spillage in Scotland?
It levels some pretty damning
accusations at kemgreen,
which is one of sir royston
merchant's companies.
As, in effect, are we. Do we have
a free hand on this one? Gus?
You're sir royston's
representative here. Please.
As I've said before, I'm very much
the new microchip in your mainframe.
So, if you feel this is a
big story, then, of course,
you must go for it. Right.
Thanks, Gus. So...
Of course, I suppose that's the
big question, really, isn't it?
Is this genuinely a big story?
I sometimes wonder if we brits
are just a little bit parochial.
When you look at the international
situation, the violence in kashmir,
the killings in Liberia...
I bet I get those.
All I'm floating is, are
we 101% sure this story
is worth the coverage? Of course it is.
Yes, I think it is, Gus.
Fine. George, you're the editor.
I'm not here. Right.
Well, if that's everything,
thank you very much, everybody.
Well done, George, you
stick to your guns.
What's the worst that can happen?
Say he fires you, who cares?
You'd still have your dignity.
Keep it up.
George, you have got to
control these meetings.
This has just come through
from the press association.
I'm warning you, George,
if I get government statistics
on cervical cancer,
you'll be hearing from my agent, ok?
George, have you had any more ideas
on my thought for a live
discussion programme?
Damien, look, we've been through this.
Come on, I'd be responsible, and I'd
concentrate on the major issues.
You know, like NATO,
inflation, euthanasia.
Yes, I can hear it now.
"Join us after the break
"where we'll be switching off
Alice's life-support machine."
The answer is no.
George, Gus says when
you've got a moment for him
to drop something into your
toaster to see if it pops up.
Yeah, sure. George!
It's Gary. He says is
brown live or neutral?
Gary, look, I said you don't
touch the electrics, all right?
Just do the plastering in
the bathroom, all right?
I'm just going to say, Alex, that
I'm totally in control, thank you.
George! Coming, Gus.
Ah, George. Please, sit down.
George, I just wanted to say one thing.
I like you.
Right. Er, thanks.
I like what you do and
the way that you do it.
I like the way you're handling
this chemical spillage number.
You know, a lesser man
might start to fall apart
at the thought of criticising the man
who effectively owns the company.
But not you, George.
Oh, sorry, coffee?
Oh, I forgot. How is the ulcer?
Well, it's healing, you know.
Good. And the eczema?
It's a nervous thing, really.
It sort of comes and goes.
Does it? What rotten luck.
Anyway, George, all I wanted
to say was don't worry.
I'm sure sir royston will understand,
and he seems to have mastered
that uncontrollable rage of his.
It's been weeks since
he's sacked anyone.
Anyway, I know you've got lots to do.
You're still sure it's a
major news story? Yes.
Fine. Oh, by the way, almost forgot.
Those management consultants,
princely, smethers and Smith,
we roped into assessing
our operations here
delivered their report.
Have a skim, will you?
Plug it into your mindset.
Right. See you. See you, George.
Dave, you haven't seen
Damien, have you? No, why?
He promised me some copies of his
prostitution in Bangkok report.
What's this? What are you doing?
As company dogsbody, I've
been given the riveting job
of updating the obituaries
so they're ready for when the
relevant celeb pegs out.
This is edwina currie's.
I'm rather enjoying this one.
Edwina currie is no age at all.
Why would she die?
The publicity?
Things have been very
quiet for her recently.
Anyway, I hope she snuffs it soon.
That's a terrible thing to say.
You may disapprove of
her politics, but...
Oh, no, it's not her politics.
I've drawn her in the sweepstake.
We're running a sweepstake
on which of the obituaries
gets broadcast next,
and I've got edwina currie.
The rules state that any cause
of death is permissible,
except assassinations,
which don't count.
Does George dent know you're running
this macabre lottery? Of course not.
I can't believe it.
Running a sweepstake on when
people will die, it's grotesque!
It's obscene! £500 in the pot.
I'm in. How much is a stake? 30 quid.
There we are. All right. You shut
your eyes and you pick out a name.
Who've you got? Kylie minogue.
I don't believe it. What's
she doing in there?
She's only about 12, isn't she?
Kylie minogue! I stand no chance.
Oh, well, you never know. I
suppose something might happen.
I told you, assassinations don't count.
Don't even think about it.
"Henry Davenport, Kylie minogue..."
Why couldn't I have picked
one of these old relics?
Lord chalfont, Barbara
cartland, lord Carrington,
roald dahl, Henry Davenport,
lord denning, dame Elizabeth...
Sorry about that, Henry.
Didn't realise that one was there.
It shouldn't be there, really.
It should be, erm...
Well, somewhere where you
wouldn't have seen it. Sorry.
We, er, we made it a few years back
when you had that heart attack.
So you all think I've got
one foot in the grave,
that I'm knocking at death's door?
Not at all...
I'll have you know there's an
office full of women out there,
and, in the last year,
I've shafted five of them!
Keep your voice down!
Look, these obituaries, they're
nothing to do with age,
they're... eulogies.
They're tributes, they show how
much someone has achieved.
Then what's Kylie minogue doing there?
Eddie "the eagle" Edwards?
Nicholas Parsons?! Look,
these are two minutes long.
Eddie Edwards is 20 seconds
long, to be precise,
whereas yours, Henry,
yours is one hour long.
You see, it's a special programme
devoted entirely to your memory.
On account of your... stature.
My stature? Your stature, yes.
I mean, look, you don't
see an obituary up here
for Sally smedley, do you? No. Exactly.
Because she is a brainless
ex-breakfast TV bimbo
who has achieved bugger all.
But you, Henry, you are a national
broadcasting institution.
You're right, of course.
Play it, will you?
What?
Play my obituary. Oh, er, well,
I don't think I can, Henry.
I mean, the people who contributed
to this did so on the assumption
that you'd never see it, on
account of your being dead.
Look, Dave, I won't get upset.
I just think
it would be a very interesting
metaphysical experience
to see one's own obituary, that's all.
You want to know what people
say about you. I don't.
Yes, you do.
I do not, I couldn't care less.
Oh. Good.
Why, what do they say about me?
Well, nothing uncomplimentary...
Well, why can't I see it?
Because... Dave, why can't I see it?
I'm sorry, Henry, but to show you this
would be unhealthy and unethical.
All I will tell you is
that the programme,
Henry Davenport remembered, is
a moving televisual tribute
to a respected broadcaster,
beautifully structured
and lovingly filmed.
Really? Really.
And the car chase in the
middle is brilliant.
Good evening, the main
headlines tonight.
President bush has said he will
not negotiate over the hostages.
Saddam Hussein has warned of a
bloodbath if Iraq is attacked.
And George dent has been sacked.
His replacement as
editor at globelink news
will be sir royston merchant's
pet gerbil, disraeli,
who has promised not to
run the kemgreen story.
But first, home news from Sally.
A house in ealing collapsed today
after workmen had removed every
single load-bearing wall.
One of the workmen, called Gary,
was revealed to be an
escaped psychopath,
who goes around deliberately
destroying people's homes.
Voice echoes
George.
George... haven't you got a
home to go to? I doubt it.
What time is it? Quarter to midnight.
I fell asleep reading this. What is it?
It's that report from Gus'
management consultants,
poncey, smartarse and smug,
whatever their bloody names are.
Apparently, I'm deeply disorganised.
Can you believe that?
"Deeply disorganised."
I'm going to underline that bit.
Ah, thank you.
"He's clearly someone who is
prone to bouts of stress."
You are. Honestly, this report...
Forget this report. Relax.
Why don't you take some days off?
And who the hell would run this place?
Oh, well, thanks a bunch.
I mean, it's nice to know I
have your complete confidence.
Oh, Alex...
Don't think I don't appreciate
your support, because I do.
I mean, the marvellous
thing about you, Alex,
is, at the end of the day,
I know I can always rely
on you to back me up.
And I really appreciate that.
Henry Davenport was a
remarkable broadcaster.
Though he was not necessarily
always an easy man to work with.
In fact, his office
nickname was grumpy.
And sometimes he'd just
explode, like a bomb.
But, er, we all loved him.
Five minutes till we're on air.
Standby vt two, vt one.
Right, so then we'll do
the west Midlands serious
crime squad investigation.
Several important documents
have gone missing.
They'll probably claim the
Birmingham six stole them
while they were beating themselves up.
Ok, you two, at the
end, we'll put bse in.
Damien's got some better
pictures, cows stumbling around,
foaming at the mouth, et cetera.
But we're still 30 seconds over,
so let's lose princess
Margaret's birthday party, ok?
Oh, I thought that was nice. Did
you get that change, Henry?
Who knows? Maybe, maybe not.
What's the matter with him today?
Cooperate will you, Henry?
Oh, you know me, dear boy.
I'm not necessarily an easy
man to work with. Henry...
Henry
Yes, Henry, that is
your name, isn't it?
Is it? I thought it was grumpy.
I thought I'd begin
this evening's news,
"good evening, this is the
news read by grumpy."
And dopey! I heard that!
Yes, but did you understand it, dopey?
Pack it in, Henry.
Careful, George, because
sometimes I can explode.
Like a bomb!
But it doesn't matter,
because you all love me.
All right.
Who showed Henry his obituary?
The so-called obituary
contains 12 factual errors.
How did he get to see it? I
don't know, I locked it away.
I said I want the obituary re-edited,
I resent its carping tone.
Perhaps we could deal with this later?
Hear, hear.
We haven't time to discuss some
vain old poser's obituary.
They haven't made one for you.
What do you mean?
It wasn't worth it, apparently.
Because you're a brainless
ex-breakfast TV bimbo
that's achieved bugger all.
Isn't that right, Dave?
Cheers, Henry. Eddie "the
eagle" Edwards has got one.
And anneka rice. But you haven't.
Is this true?
Look, we can talk about this later.
Now, can we please get on?
Phone rings
yes? Yes, Gary.
What do you mean, where do I
keep the fire extinguishers?
No, never mind being prepared. Look,
I said don't touch the wiring.
Just concentrate on the plastering
in the bathroom, all right?
Sorry about that.
Now, glancing forward to
tomorrow's running order.
I see that the report
on the chemical spillage
is being published.
So I think that should go
in at item 26. Item 26.
So where would that go out
in the final news bulletin?
About the fifth item. Unless it gets
forced lower by bigger stories.
We leave gaps in case that happens.
Even the hugest story would
only go in at number five.
So, the kemgreen story is at 26.
At 30...
26. You know, that does
seem very high-profile.
And I wonder if it's more constructive
to address these very
valid green issues
from a more global perspective.
Well, I hear what you're saying, Gus,
but I really don't think
we can neglect this story.
Of course we can't.
It's important, significant. And
we've got some great footage.
You know, of dead fish floating down
the river, the water all scummy...
Damien. Damien.
I think we ought to
run this story, Gus,
and you did promise no interference.
Absolutely. Point taken. I'm not here.
Do I really not have my own
obituary in the tape room?
I'm a national celebrity, I mean,
what if something happened to me?
I could step under a bus tomorrow.
Would you? We'd be so grateful.
Shut up, Davenport. I
want an obituary, George.
And I want my obituary edited!
Right, I do not want to hear the
word "obituary" again today.
Now, whilst we're on the
subject of obituaries,
it's come to my attention
that Jeremy beadle's tape
is wearing extremely thin
because people keep playing it for fun.
So pack it in.
Right, now this meeting is over.
Alex, you couldn't step into my den
for quick head-bang, could you?
In a minute, Gus.
George, I've got another
government statement here,
saying that fears about
declining educational standards
are exaggerated.
Spelt with three gs.
Hey, you know that latest mad
cow footage of Damien's? Yeah.
The farmer's on the phone.
He says he's just found out his
cattle feed is full of fairy liquid.
Hello there...
Alex, I like you.
Really?
And you know what I
like most about you?
Surprise me. Your loyalty.
You're happy in that role
of solid support module.
That's what I told those
management consultants.
I'm sorry?
Well, their report recommends
that you take over George's job.
And that George be moved
into a less demanding role,
something more eczema-friendly.
But I told them, you can
forget that gameplan.
Alex pates' mental parameters
extend no further than
merely backing up George.
Do they now?
And so it means we're
still looking for someone
to fill George's pivotal role.
Someone who knows the terrain,
someone who's organised,
someone with the right
suitability quotient.
Does anyone come to mind?
Possibly. Could you possibly
elaborate on possibly?
Well, what I'm saying is, Gus,
that, er, I'm thinking of
redrawing my mental parameters
regarding suitability quotient
for roles in pivotal terrain.
Got you.
Ok, I just want to talk
us through our coverage
of the notting hill
carnival this weekend.
The police have provided the usual map.
Now, at point a, they'll
provide some jovial constables
who'll be dancing with large
cuddly west Indian women.
At point b, there'll be
some more jovial constables
who'll be letting young
rastas try on their helmets.
And at point c, there's
gonna be some constables
from the ethnic minorities.
Now get there early, because they're
gonna be moving them around
so it looks like there's more of them.
Ok, now the riot.
The riot, we expect to take
place at the usual place
roundabout eight o'clock on Monday, ok?
We've got the usual flat with the
good view of the crossroads.
You pick up the key from
mrs Sullivan, number 85,
as per last year. Ok? Ok, thank you.
Damien, what on earth have you got
there? This is next door's cat.
I'm just looking after it for them.
You want to be careful.
Cats can get bse, you know. I know.
Thing is, Gus, it's a
point of principle.
I said in front of everyone that
Henry couldn't re-edit his obituary.
Now I can't go back on that.
Absolutely.
It would be wrong for you
to change your decision.
That's why I changed it. What?
I felt we had a serious dialogue
shortfall on our hands,
so I resolved the situation to
ease your enormous workload.
How is the eczema, by the way?
It's fine. Everything's fine.
My workload's fine, I'm fine! Fine.
But, you see, you've
still overturned my...
The point is, Gus, I thought
you said that I was in charge.
George...
Believe me, you're in
charge as you ever were.
Did anyone see that sex talk
programme on channel 4 last night?
Sex is becoming like
the bloody world cup.
Sod-all action, followed by
hours of post-match analysis.
Everyone banging on about
the female orgasm.
Before feminists were invented,
women used to lie back and be grateful.
Oh, my...!
I'm telling you, I'm telling you,
whenever a woman comes back
to my place, the earth moves.
From what I've heard,
she'd be extremely lucky
if any part of your anatomy moved.
All right, all right, all right,
I want to do a follow-up on bse,
but no pictures this
time, thank you, Damien.
No foaming cows.
No cats that have been
dosed up with benylin.
Bse is at 31, the kemgreen
spillage story stays at 26.
George, I was wondering
about the kemgreen thing.
Is this story really worth carrying?
You've changed your tune.
One should keep an open mind.
Yes. How is the obituary
coming along, Henry?
It's editing together nicely, thank you.
So's mine.
It seemed only fair to be even-handed.
I think that perhaps Henry does have
a point about this kemgreen story.
Hang on.
How have you been nobbled?
No, no, don't tell me.
The live discussion programme.
It's only a try-out, George.
To see if Damien's baby has legs.
I think you've walked
into an ambush, George.
Does anyone else feel the kemgreen
story's not worth running?
Well, I've got my doubts about it.
Well, stop me, there's a surprise.
We are running this story
because it is significant.
Isn't that right, Alex? Well...
Well what?
Well, there are a lot of
stories surfacing just now
which might squeeze it out. Right.
Well, in the light of all
your misgivings about it,
I've decided that the
kemgreen story stays.
Because someone has to ensure
that we select the news
on the basis of the
public's right to know.
Rather than our own self-interest.
And if running this story and
showing integrity and independence
means that I get the sack from sir
royston merchant, then so be it.
George.
George, that was magnificent. I
was proud of you, very proud.
Well, it needed saying. Absolutely.
Sod sir royston.
We don't care, the kemgreen story stays.
It certainly does.
Where do you want it in
the running order? 99.
Yeah. There you go. Last item.
Probably get squeezed
out by a late story.
I'll just go and check
for late stories.
Thanks for those tapes, Damien.
Cheers, Henry.
Henry shouldn't watch that
prostitution in Bangkok stuff,
not with his heart. Where's the harm?
You're only saying that because
you've got Henry in the sweepstake.
What sweepstake? I see
you've moved it to 99.
Takes a strong man to
change his mind, George.
Phone rings
yes? Oh, hello, Gary.
Yeah.
Have you finished
re-plastering the bathroom?
Sure. Yeah, ok.
Fair enough.
Bye.
So, at least you got your
bathroom finished, huh?
No, they didn't get time
to finish it today.
Took them all afternoon to knock
down the conservatory, apparently.
Which is fair enough, I suppose.
I didn't ask them to knock
down the conservatory.
What's the latest on
king Hussein's peace mission?
Pointless. The Americans
won't accept anything less
than the restoration of the
Democratic government in Kuwait.
What Democratic government in Kuwait?
It's a reasonably Democratic system.
One sheikh, one vote.
Hello, telex from our
westminster correspondent.
He reckons it looks like the
mps are about to be recalled.
Why does he say that?
They just delivered 60
cases of Johnnie Walker
to the house of commons bar.
This episode was first shown
in a week where investigations
into possible police
corruption gathered momentum,
and the Western powers mobilised
against Saddam Hussein.
Got an awful lot to get
through today, please,
so try and bear with me.
Why don't we do something
on this us stealth bomber?
Apparently, on radar, it looks
just like a small seagull.
Wouldn't the Iraqis get suspicious
when their radar spots seven
seagulls flying in formation
towards Baghdad at 900 miles an hour?
Right, I just want to do
a very brief post-mortem
on yesterday's bulletin.
Damien, your item on mad cow disease.
Look, it was not my fault that the
pictures were so dull, George.
Every cow in that herd had bse.
But could we get any of
them to stagger around
in a wobbly kind of way? No.
They just lay there, doing bugger
all, looking totally sane.
Even after we lobbed
in the firecrackers.
What do you mean, firecrackers?
You know, to get them...
No, no, no.
Right, now... phone rings
yes? Well, I'm in the middle of...
All right, put her on.
I'm sorry about this, everybody.
Yes, love, what is it?
Well, the builders should know
whether it's a
load-bearing wall or not.
No, put Gary on.
Gary, look, is it a
load-bearing wall or not?
Actually, Gary, I don't think,
"well, there's only
one way to find out,"
constitutes a professional
opinion, thank you.
No, you get Norman to ring me.
In the meantime, you
don't touch any walls,
any electrics, anything, all right?
Where was I? Any questions.
Ah, yes. Sally?
Why is it that yet again this week
I've ended up announcing so
many depressing stories?
Chemical weapons in the
Gulf, massacres in soweto.
If this continues, people will
start to associate me with gloom,
depression... nausea, disgust.
She's right, I'm doing it already.
I'm sorry, Sally, but I think
you're just going to have to accept
that, at the moment, the news
tends towards the gloomy side.
How are we going to cover this
report coming out on Thursday
about the chemical
spillage in Scotland?
It levels some pretty damning
accusations at kemgreen,
which is one of sir royston
merchant's companies.
As, in effect, are we. Do we have
a free hand on this one? Gus?
You're sir royston's
representative here. Please.
As I've said before, I'm very much
the new microchip in your mainframe.
So, if you feel this is a
big story, then, of course,
you must go for it. Right.
Thanks, Gus. So...
Of course, I suppose that's the
big question, really, isn't it?
Is this genuinely a big story?
I sometimes wonder if we brits
are just a little bit parochial.
When you look at the international
situation, the violence in kashmir,
the killings in Liberia...
I bet I get those.
All I'm floating is, are
we 101% sure this story
is worth the coverage? Of course it is.
Yes, I think it is, Gus.
Fine. George, you're the editor.
I'm not here. Right.
Well, if that's everything,
thank you very much, everybody.
Well done, George, you
stick to your guns.
What's the worst that can happen?
Say he fires you, who cares?
You'd still have your dignity.
Keep it up.
George, you have got to
control these meetings.
This has just come through
from the press association.
I'm warning you, George,
if I get government statistics
on cervical cancer,
you'll be hearing from my agent, ok?
George, have you had any more ideas
on my thought for a live
discussion programme?
Damien, look, we've been through this.
Come on, I'd be responsible, and I'd
concentrate on the major issues.
You know, like NATO,
inflation, euthanasia.
Yes, I can hear it now.
"Join us after the break
"where we'll be switching off
Alice's life-support machine."
The answer is no.
George, Gus says when
you've got a moment for him
to drop something into your
toaster to see if it pops up.
Yeah, sure. George!
It's Gary. He says is
brown live or neutral?
Gary, look, I said you don't
touch the electrics, all right?
Just do the plastering in
the bathroom, all right?
I'm just going to say, Alex, that
I'm totally in control, thank you.
George! Coming, Gus.
Ah, George. Please, sit down.
George, I just wanted to say one thing.
I like you.
Right. Er, thanks.
I like what you do and
the way that you do it.
I like the way you're handling
this chemical spillage number.
You know, a lesser man
might start to fall apart
at the thought of criticising the man
who effectively owns the company.
But not you, George.
Oh, sorry, coffee?
Oh, I forgot. How is the ulcer?
Well, it's healing, you know.
Good. And the eczema?
It's a nervous thing, really.
It sort of comes and goes.
Does it? What rotten luck.
Anyway, George, all I wanted
to say was don't worry.
I'm sure sir royston will understand,
and he seems to have mastered
that uncontrollable rage of his.
It's been weeks since
he's sacked anyone.
Anyway, I know you've got lots to do.
You're still sure it's a
major news story? Yes.
Fine. Oh, by the way, almost forgot.
Those management consultants,
princely, smethers and Smith,
we roped into assessing
our operations here
delivered their report.
Have a skim, will you?
Plug it into your mindset.
Right. See you. See you, George.
Dave, you haven't seen
Damien, have you? No, why?
He promised me some copies of his
prostitution in Bangkok report.
What's this? What are you doing?
As company dogsbody, I've
been given the riveting job
of updating the obituaries
so they're ready for when the
relevant celeb pegs out.
This is edwina currie's.
I'm rather enjoying this one.
Edwina currie is no age at all.
Why would she die?
The publicity?
Things have been very
quiet for her recently.
Anyway, I hope she snuffs it soon.
That's a terrible thing to say.
You may disapprove of
her politics, but...
Oh, no, it's not her politics.
I've drawn her in the sweepstake.
We're running a sweepstake
on which of the obituaries
gets broadcast next,
and I've got edwina currie.
The rules state that any cause
of death is permissible,
except assassinations,
which don't count.
Does George dent know you're running
this macabre lottery? Of course not.
I can't believe it.
Running a sweepstake on when
people will die, it's grotesque!
It's obscene! £500 in the pot.
I'm in. How much is a stake? 30 quid.
There we are. All right. You shut
your eyes and you pick out a name.
Who've you got? Kylie minogue.
I don't believe it. What's
she doing in there?
She's only about 12, isn't she?
Kylie minogue! I stand no chance.
Oh, well, you never know. I
suppose something might happen.
I told you, assassinations don't count.
Don't even think about it.
"Henry Davenport, Kylie minogue..."
Why couldn't I have picked
one of these old relics?
Lord chalfont, Barbara
cartland, lord Carrington,
roald dahl, Henry Davenport,
lord denning, dame Elizabeth...
Sorry about that, Henry.
Didn't realise that one was there.
It shouldn't be there, really.
It should be, erm...
Well, somewhere where you
wouldn't have seen it. Sorry.
We, er, we made it a few years back
when you had that heart attack.
So you all think I've got
one foot in the grave,
that I'm knocking at death's door?
Not at all...
I'll have you know there's an
office full of women out there,
and, in the last year,
I've shafted five of them!
Keep your voice down!
Look, these obituaries, they're
nothing to do with age,
they're... eulogies.
They're tributes, they show how
much someone has achieved.
Then what's Kylie minogue doing there?
Eddie "the eagle" Edwards?
Nicholas Parsons?! Look,
these are two minutes long.
Eddie Edwards is 20 seconds
long, to be precise,
whereas yours, Henry,
yours is one hour long.
You see, it's a special programme
devoted entirely to your memory.
On account of your... stature.
My stature? Your stature, yes.
I mean, look, you don't
see an obituary up here
for Sally smedley, do you? No. Exactly.
Because she is a brainless
ex-breakfast TV bimbo
who has achieved bugger all.
But you, Henry, you are a national
broadcasting institution.
You're right, of course.
Play it, will you?
What?
Play my obituary. Oh, er, well,
I don't think I can, Henry.
I mean, the people who contributed
to this did so on the assumption
that you'd never see it, on
account of your being dead.
Look, Dave, I won't get upset.
I just think
it would be a very interesting
metaphysical experience
to see one's own obituary, that's all.
You want to know what people
say about you. I don't.
Yes, you do.
I do not, I couldn't care less.
Oh. Good.
Why, what do they say about me?
Well, nothing uncomplimentary...
Well, why can't I see it?
Because... Dave, why can't I see it?
I'm sorry, Henry, but to show you this
would be unhealthy and unethical.
All I will tell you is
that the programme,
Henry Davenport remembered, is
a moving televisual tribute
to a respected broadcaster,
beautifully structured
and lovingly filmed.
Really? Really.
And the car chase in the
middle is brilliant.
Good evening, the main
headlines tonight.
President bush has said he will
not negotiate over the hostages.
Saddam Hussein has warned of a
bloodbath if Iraq is attacked.
And George dent has been sacked.
His replacement as
editor at globelink news
will be sir royston merchant's
pet gerbil, disraeli,
who has promised not to
run the kemgreen story.
But first, home news from Sally.
A house in ealing collapsed today
after workmen had removed every
single load-bearing wall.
One of the workmen, called Gary,
was revealed to be an
escaped psychopath,
who goes around deliberately
destroying people's homes.
Voice echoes
George.
George... haven't you got a
home to go to? I doubt it.
What time is it? Quarter to midnight.
I fell asleep reading this. What is it?
It's that report from Gus'
management consultants,
poncey, smartarse and smug,
whatever their bloody names are.
Apparently, I'm deeply disorganised.
Can you believe that?
"Deeply disorganised."
I'm going to underline that bit.
Ah, thank you.
"He's clearly someone who is
prone to bouts of stress."
You are. Honestly, this report...
Forget this report. Relax.
Why don't you take some days off?
And who the hell would run this place?
Oh, well, thanks a bunch.
I mean, it's nice to know I
have your complete confidence.
Oh, Alex...
Don't think I don't appreciate
your support, because I do.
I mean, the marvellous
thing about you, Alex,
is, at the end of the day,
I know I can always rely
on you to back me up.
And I really appreciate that.
Henry Davenport was a
remarkable broadcaster.
Though he was not necessarily
always an easy man to work with.
In fact, his office
nickname was grumpy.
And sometimes he'd just
explode, like a bomb.
But, er, we all loved him.
Five minutes till we're on air.
Standby vt two, vt one.
Right, so then we'll do
the west Midlands serious
crime squad investigation.
Several important documents
have gone missing.
They'll probably claim the
Birmingham six stole them
while they were beating themselves up.
Ok, you two, at the
end, we'll put bse in.
Damien's got some better
pictures, cows stumbling around,
foaming at the mouth, et cetera.
But we're still 30 seconds over,
so let's lose princess
Margaret's birthday party, ok?
Oh, I thought that was nice. Did
you get that change, Henry?
Who knows? Maybe, maybe not.
What's the matter with him today?
Cooperate will you, Henry?
Oh, you know me, dear boy.
I'm not necessarily an easy
man to work with. Henry...
Henry
Yes, Henry, that is
your name, isn't it?
Is it? I thought it was grumpy.
I thought I'd begin
this evening's news,
"good evening, this is the
news read by grumpy."
And dopey! I heard that!
Yes, but did you understand it, dopey?
Pack it in, Henry.
Careful, George, because
sometimes I can explode.
Like a bomb!
But it doesn't matter,
because you all love me.
All right.
Who showed Henry his obituary?
The so-called obituary
contains 12 factual errors.
How did he get to see it? I
don't know, I locked it away.
I said I want the obituary re-edited,
I resent its carping tone.
Perhaps we could deal with this later?
Hear, hear.
We haven't time to discuss some
vain old poser's obituary.
They haven't made one for you.
What do you mean?
It wasn't worth it, apparently.
Because you're a brainless
ex-breakfast TV bimbo
that's achieved bugger all.
Isn't that right, Dave?
Cheers, Henry. Eddie "the
eagle" Edwards has got one.
And anneka rice. But you haven't.
Is this true?
Look, we can talk about this later.
Now, can we please get on?
Phone rings
yes? Yes, Gary.
What do you mean, where do I
keep the fire extinguishers?
No, never mind being prepared. Look,
I said don't touch the wiring.
Just concentrate on the plastering
in the bathroom, all right?
Sorry about that.
Now, glancing forward to
tomorrow's running order.
I see that the report
on the chemical spillage
is being published.
So I think that should go
in at item 26. Item 26.
So where would that go out
in the final news bulletin?
About the fifth item. Unless it gets
forced lower by bigger stories.
We leave gaps in case that happens.
Even the hugest story would
only go in at number five.
So, the kemgreen story is at 26.
At 30...
26. You know, that does
seem very high-profile.
And I wonder if it's more constructive
to address these very
valid green issues
from a more global perspective.
Well, I hear what you're saying, Gus,
but I really don't think
we can neglect this story.
Of course we can't.
It's important, significant. And
we've got some great footage.
You know, of dead fish floating down
the river, the water all scummy...
Damien. Damien.
I think we ought to
run this story, Gus,
and you did promise no interference.
Absolutely. Point taken. I'm not here.
Do I really not have my own
obituary in the tape room?
I'm a national celebrity, I mean,
what if something happened to me?
I could step under a bus tomorrow.
Would you? We'd be so grateful.
Shut up, Davenport. I
want an obituary, George.
And I want my obituary edited!
Right, I do not want to hear the
word "obituary" again today.
Now, whilst we're on the
subject of obituaries,
it's come to my attention
that Jeremy beadle's tape
is wearing extremely thin
because people keep playing it for fun.
So pack it in.
Right, now this meeting is over.
Alex, you couldn't step into my den
for quick head-bang, could you?
In a minute, Gus.
George, I've got another
government statement here,
saying that fears about
declining educational standards
are exaggerated.
Spelt with three gs.
Hey, you know that latest mad
cow footage of Damien's? Yeah.
The farmer's on the phone.
He says he's just found out his
cattle feed is full of fairy liquid.
Hello there...
Alex, I like you.
Really?
And you know what I
like most about you?
Surprise me. Your loyalty.
You're happy in that role
of solid support module.
That's what I told those
management consultants.
I'm sorry?
Well, their report recommends
that you take over George's job.
And that George be moved
into a less demanding role,
something more eczema-friendly.
But I told them, you can
forget that gameplan.
Alex pates' mental parameters
extend no further than
merely backing up George.
Do they now?
And so it means we're
still looking for someone
to fill George's pivotal role.
Someone who knows the terrain,
someone who's organised,
someone with the right
suitability quotient.
Does anyone come to mind?
Possibly. Could you possibly
elaborate on possibly?
Well, what I'm saying is, Gus,
that, er, I'm thinking of
redrawing my mental parameters
regarding suitability quotient
for roles in pivotal terrain.
Got you.
Ok, I just want to talk
us through our coverage
of the notting hill
carnival this weekend.
The police have provided the usual map.
Now, at point a, they'll
provide some jovial constables
who'll be dancing with large
cuddly west Indian women.
At point b, there'll be
some more jovial constables
who'll be letting young
rastas try on their helmets.
And at point c, there's
gonna be some constables
from the ethnic minorities.
Now get there early, because they're
gonna be moving them around
so it looks like there's more of them.
Ok, now the riot.
The riot, we expect to take
place at the usual place
roundabout eight o'clock on Monday, ok?
We've got the usual flat with the
good view of the crossroads.
You pick up the key from
mrs Sullivan, number 85,
as per last year. Ok? Ok, thank you.
Damien, what on earth have you got
there? This is next door's cat.
I'm just looking after it for them.
You want to be careful.
Cats can get bse, you know. I know.
Thing is, Gus, it's a
point of principle.
I said in front of everyone that
Henry couldn't re-edit his obituary.
Now I can't go back on that.
Absolutely.
It would be wrong for you
to change your decision.
That's why I changed it. What?
I felt we had a serious dialogue
shortfall on our hands,
so I resolved the situation to
ease your enormous workload.
How is the eczema, by the way?
It's fine. Everything's fine.
My workload's fine, I'm fine! Fine.
But, you see, you've
still overturned my...
The point is, Gus, I thought
you said that I was in charge.
George...
Believe me, you're in
charge as you ever were.
Did anyone see that sex talk
programme on channel 4 last night?
Sex is becoming like
the bloody world cup.
Sod-all action, followed by
hours of post-match analysis.
Everyone banging on about
the female orgasm.
Before feminists were invented,
women used to lie back and be grateful.
Oh, my...!
I'm telling you, I'm telling you,
whenever a woman comes back
to my place, the earth moves.
From what I've heard,
she'd be extremely lucky
if any part of your anatomy moved.
All right, all right, all right,
I want to do a follow-up on bse,
but no pictures this
time, thank you, Damien.
No foaming cows.
No cats that have been
dosed up with benylin.
Bse is at 31, the kemgreen
spillage story stays at 26.
George, I was wondering
about the kemgreen thing.
Is this story really worth carrying?
You've changed your tune.
One should keep an open mind.
Yes. How is the obituary
coming along, Henry?
It's editing together nicely, thank you.
So's mine.
It seemed only fair to be even-handed.
I think that perhaps Henry does have
a point about this kemgreen story.
Hang on.
How have you been nobbled?
No, no, don't tell me.
The live discussion programme.
It's only a try-out, George.
To see if Damien's baby has legs.
I think you've walked
into an ambush, George.
Does anyone else feel the kemgreen
story's not worth running?
Well, I've got my doubts about it.
Well, stop me, there's a surprise.
We are running this story
because it is significant.
Isn't that right, Alex? Well...
Well what?
Well, there are a lot of
stories surfacing just now
which might squeeze it out. Right.
Well, in the light of all
your misgivings about it,
I've decided that the
kemgreen story stays.
Because someone has to ensure
that we select the news
on the basis of the
public's right to know.
Rather than our own self-interest.
And if running this story and
showing integrity and independence
means that I get the sack from sir
royston merchant, then so be it.
George.
George, that was magnificent. I
was proud of you, very proud.
Well, it needed saying. Absolutely.
Sod sir royston.
We don't care, the kemgreen story stays.
It certainly does.
Where do you want it in
the running order? 99.
Yeah. There you go. Last item.
Probably get squeezed
out by a late story.
I'll just go and check
for late stories.
Thanks for those tapes, Damien.
Cheers, Henry.
Henry shouldn't watch that
prostitution in Bangkok stuff,
not with his heart. Where's the harm?
You're only saying that because
you've got Henry in the sweepstake.
What sweepstake? I see
you've moved it to 99.
Takes a strong man to
change his mind, George.
Phone rings
yes? Oh, hello, Gary.
Yeah.
Have you finished
re-plastering the bathroom?
Sure. Yeah, ok.
Fair enough.
Bye.
So, at least you got your
bathroom finished, huh?
No, they didn't get time
to finish it today.
Took them all afternoon to knock
down the conservatory, apparently.
Which is fair enough, I suppose.
I didn't ask them to knock
down the conservatory.
What's the latest on
king Hussein's peace mission?
Pointless. The Americans
won't accept anything less
than the restoration of the
Democratic government in Kuwait.
What Democratic government in Kuwait?
It's a reasonably Democratic system.
One sheikh, one vote.
Hello, telex from our
westminster correspondent.
He reckons it looks like the
mps are about to be recalled.
Why does he say that?
They just delivered 60
cases of Johnnie Walker
to the house of commons bar.