Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 5, Episode 7 - Missed Congeniality - full transcript

See that aspiring model there?

That's me... Deb...
until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to heaven,

but there was a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up in someone else's body.

So now I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe,

and the only people who really
know what's going on with me

are my girlfriend Stacy
and my guardian angel, Paul.

I used to think everything
happened for a reason.



Whoo!

Now, I sure hope I was right.

Drop Dead Diva 5x07 - Missed Congeniality
Original air date August 4, 2013

Good morning! I made you coffee.

No, thanks.

Jane, we need to talk.

I'm late for work.

Yeah, but, Jane...

Not a good time.

Maybe later.

Mm-hmm, well, last night, I told you

that I wanted Owen to be my sperm donor,

and I really want your blessing,

but you haven't said a word to me.



Here's two words... "gotta go."

Will you zip me up?

Well, it's more fun zipping you down.

Mm.

You know, we've got a little time.

Maybe you have a little time.

But I got to beat Kim to the office.

Roger that.

Give me a head start?
Let's say 10 minutes?

So we don't arrive together
like yesterday?

Exactly.

I wouldn't want to feed that rumor mill.

By "rumor mill," you mean...

Teri.

All right, I'll see you at the office.

Okay.

Did I just see a boy run into my office?

Yes, you did. Herbal tea for you.

Thank you.

These are for the kids.

There's more than one?

Mm-hmm. And their coach is
in your office.

Kimmy! Whoa! You're enormous!

Dad, what are you doing here?

Hey, hey, kid. Wipe your paws.

What's going on?

Well, I was, uh,
just explaining a little problem

here to Owen.

He's a good man, by the way.

Oh, right back at you, Larry.

So...

I've been working
at a local park... maintenance.

It doesn't pay much,

but at least I get to spend
my days out in the sunshine,

under blue skies.

I mean, how many old farts do you know

get paid to hang out at the park?

I say it's genius.

Hooray for you. You work at a park.

Doesn't explain why the
bad news bears are in my office.

Well, about a month ago,
I'm working on a sprinkler.

Kids from the baseball team come up,

and they ask me to hit out
some pop flies for them.

I... I guess one of the dads
didn't show up or something.

But I had a blast.

Turns out the dad is always busy,

so Larry took over as coach.

Yeah. Bulldogs are number 1
in our division.

- Hey!
- Go, Bulldogs!

Hey, that's great.
Why don't you send me an e-mail?

I'll try to catch a game.

Well, uh, that's... that's sort
of the problem there, honey.

Uh, you see, one of
the rival coaches ratted me out

right in the middle of practice
this morning.

The league requires that a coach

be a parent or guardian of a player.

I don't know how to help you, dad.

Well, Owen said that...

Yeah, what did Owen say?

That a prominent lawyer such as yourself

might be able to convince
the league president

to do the right thing.

Kimmy, come on. For the Bulldogs.

For the Bulldogs.

Lady... we really need you.

Coach needs you.

I didn't know they were listening.

Oh, yeah. Kids always know
what's going on.

We just don't give them credit.

Of course I'm gonna help you.

One meeting.

Morning.

I need you to sign the card
for Kim's baby shower.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me again why we are
throwing Kim a baby shower.

Because Owen asked us to,

and I'd rather not say no to him
right now.

Uh, it's not enough

that we have to work
for the dragon lady.

Now we have to pretend
that we like her, too?

It will be nice to have
the whole office there

for a happy occasion.

And by "happy occasion,"
I mean Kim's maternity leave.

She'll be gone for at least a month.

You know, I'm thinking
strawberry cupcakes.

Kim's allergic to strawberries.

I know.

Oh, my God.

All right, fine. Calm down.

We can get vanilla
to match her sex life.

Oh, my God!

Hi!

Y... you're Donna Andrews.

I am. Nice to meet you.

Jane Bingum.

I have followed your career
since you won Miss Long Beach.

Oh.

I loved the answer you gave

regarding the preservation
of songbird habitats.

"We must sing through
our actions so that birds..."

"So that birds may forever sing for us."

- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.

I've actually competed
in a few pageants myself...

I mean, before I became a lawyer.

Okay.

Well, look, I'm here
because I need a lawyer.

Teri, hold all my calls.

I'm in a meeting with a new client.

I'm currently competing in the
Miss Universal globe pageant.

Yeah, I know. I love that dress.

Thank you.

Earlier this morning,
I was in the greenroom,

waiting my turn
for evening-gown rehearsals

when I found this memo
left behind on a coffee table.

It's from Peter Bronson,
the pageant owner.

It's a list of the top-10 finalists

for this year's competition.

You're not on it. Wait a minute.

The competition doesn't even air
till next week.

The judges haven't even judged you yet.

So how can Peter Bronson
already know the top 10?

Peter Bronson is rigging this pageant?

I think so.

Okay, we're gonna take this memo

to the Federal Communications
Commission.

They have jurisdiction
over broadcast events

like Miss Universal. What do you say?

I say yes.

This pageant means everything to me.

Whether I win or lose,
I just want a fair shot.

I know. I'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!

Was that Miss Universal U.S.A.
Donna Andrews?

Yes! Can you believe that?!

Oh, wait. I've got work to do.

Oh. I just need five minutes.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just not a good time.

You know, we need to talk,
and you keep running away.

Maybe because there's
nothing to talk about.

Fine.

I am going to speak for both of us.

Stacy...

Jane, you know I can't ask Owen
to be my sperm donor

without your blessing.

But, Stacy, he and I... we were engaged.

Which tells me how much you
must respect him and his DNA.

And besides, it's not like
he's moving in with us.

I just need his genetic material.

I bet you haven't even
considered the legal issues.

I mean, do you even know the laws

that govern non-coital conception?

I found all the relevant
statutes online,

and I've read all the pamphlets
from the fertility clinic.

Wow, Stace. Impressive.

I'm sorry I didn't give you more credit.

Say, is that a new dress?

Why, yes, it is.

Thank you for your blessing, Jane.

You are as intelligent
as you are beautiful.

Wow. Well, that was something.

And, you know, I admit you made
some excellent points.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thing is... you neglected to
consider one teensy little fact.

And what is that teensy little fact?

That Owen and I
might still get back together.

What?

Stacy, you know that I am trying

to make him see that I am sorry

and that I am open to rekindling
our relationship,

so don't you think
it's gonna be a little weird

when Owen and I are married
and you're raising his child?

Do you really think
that I would have even asked

if I thought for one second

you and Owen would
get back together again?

Excuse me?

Jane, I don't believe
that you still believe

you're gonna marry Owen.

Mnh-mnh.

In fact, I don't even think
that you want to marry Owen,

because if you had, you
would have never kissed Grayson.

How dare you?

How dare you?

You are denying me the best
available genetic material

for no good reason.

You want Owen's sperm?

- Yeah.
- Fine. Go and get it.

Fine. I will.

And thank you for your blessing.

I'm sure the FCC agrees,

that memo is convincing evidence
of pageant fixing,

a clear violation
of 47 U.S.C., section 509.

The "quiz show" law?

Which, as you know, bans any scheme

to predetermine contests
of knowledge, skill, or chance.

Yes, but do pageants
really require skill?

They do. Miss Universal
is not merely about beauty.

In fact, as of last month,

the talent portion is now worth 40%...

more than the interview
and evening gown combined.

Why would Peter Bronson
fix his own pageant?

The finalists
that Bronson pre-selected...

they all come from
the largest foreign TV markets,

including the U.K., Brazil, and China.

But nowhere on the list

are favorites Iceland,
Namibia, and the U.S.,

who, by the way, is incredible.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

You know what?

Peter Bronson does not care
about Miss Universal.

He cares about ratings and big
markets that maximize profits.

That was very informative.

Okay, so, what do we do next?

You know what?

We could coordinate
with the U.S. Attorney's office,

'cause this is huge.

I mean, it's CNN huge.

I think we should call Anderson Cooper.

I appreciate the visit,

but the FCC does not plan
to pursue this investigation.

Uh, with all due respect, what?

I mean, this is far more serious

than Janet Jackson's so-called
wardrobe malfunction.

And that led to half a million
dollars in fines.

Mm-hmm.

Peter Bronson is a job creator

with business interests worldwide.

The government isn't gonna make
a federal case over a pageant.

I'm sorry, but we're done here.

Stacy. Hey, what a nice surprise.

How are you?

Everything is great.

I have to ask you something.

Oh, yeah. Please, please sit.

Owen, I've been wanting to get
pregnant for a while now.

I have looked high and low

for the perfect donor
to father my child,

which is a lot tougher than it sounds

because I'm picky

and I want the absolute best
genetic material.

I want your sperm.

Wow!

Yeah, I know.

It's just you're an awesome guy,
kind, stable, ambitious,

intelligent, attractive, and funny.

Wow.

I'm happy to discuss
a variety of arrangements.

And... I have pamphlets.

Also, you'd have
no financial obligations.

I'm looking for a baby daddy,
not a sugar daddy.

What does Jane think about your request?

I have her blessing.

Really?

Yes.

Uh...

I... I have to think about it.

Of course. Take all the time you need.

I don't start ovulating until Friday.

Knockety-knock-knock-knock.

- You ready for the big meeting?
- Yep.

- Anything you want me to say?
- Nope.

You just keep your mouth shut
and let me do all the talking.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

Oh, yeah,
those two are totally doing it.

- Dad.
- What?

No, I'm saying I got a sixth
sense about these things.

That's how I knew your mother
was really into me.

Mm. Look how that turned out.

What? I'm just saying.

I'm just saying you're totally off base.

I mean, come on.

A man and a woman can work
together without having sex.

Well, tell that to your baby bump.

Look, why don't you just keep
your mind out of the gutter

and back on the Bulldogs.

Kim? The Baseball League president
is waiting for you in Owen's office.

Be right there.

Don't forget your baby shower
starts at noon.

Can't wait.

Mrs. Chase, thank you so much
for taking this meeting.

Oh, of course.

Your father was
one of my favorite coaches.

We we sorry to see him go.

Yeah, you know, that's the thing.

We don't think
you should have to see him go.

I mean, these days,
with parents so busy,

you should be encouraging
community participation.

I don't disagree.

In fact, I plan on raising
the parent restriction

at our next rules meeting.

The meeting's not till January.

The Bulldogs' playoffs are next week.

Hold on...
according to the league bylaws,

there is a second way
for coaches to qualify.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It says here, "any adult who lives"

"within the White Oak Park District"

"may volunteer at the park."

Coaching's a volunteer position,
correct?

Of course.

As it happens,
Mr. Kaswell's daughter lives

a half a block from the park.

Yeah. Any chance
there's a third way to qualify?

Kimmy, it's the playoffs.

Fine.

My father lives with me.

As of today, my dad is my roommate.

Well, then, I hereby reinstate
Larry as coach of the Bulldogs.

Fantastic.

What are you doing?

My emergency stash
of pick-me-up dark chocolate.

I know it's in here somewhere.

I ate it last week.

It was a late night. I'm sorry.

So, what's wrong?

The FCC refuses to pursue
charges against Peter Bronson.

I'm surprised you thought the
government would get involved

over something as trivial as a pageant.

Grayson, the Miss Universal
pageant is anything but trivial.

I'm being serious.

Oh.

Honestly,
I thought a woman like yourself

would find pageants frivolous,
if not outright demeaning.

Well, you would be wrong.

You know, pageants provide
contestants with self-confidence

while competing for valuable
college scholarships.

And pageants
don't just help the contestants.

They help the countries, too.

They help the countries?

When Angola's Leila Lopes
won Miss Universe,

it raised the profile
of the entire country.

And Amelia Vega
of the Dominican Republic...

when she came in first,
tourism shot up dramatically.

Well, we both know when you get
passionate, you don't give up.

I say forget the FCC.

On behalf of your client,
file a qui tam lawsuit.

Qui tam... when the government
refuses to enforce certain laws,

private citizens
are empowered to step in

and sue on the government's
behalf as a whistle-blower.

Yes, and as a whistle-blower,

they're entitled
to 30% of recovered damages.

Yes. Thank you, Grayson.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

Jane, I need you
in the conference room now.

- Everything okay?
- It's, uh, Kim's baby shower.

Say no more. Let's go.

Thank God you're here.

Teri, this is supposed to be
a shower, not a wake.

They refuse to drink the baby bottles.

They're all scared to guess
Kim's weight.

And forget about the "guess the
melted candy bar in the diaper" game.

Kim licked them all.

The cupcakes are delicious.
Can I go back to my office now?

Are you kidding me? No, Kim!
Now, come on!

Let's get this party started.

I'm pretty sure this is a Mars bar.

Dad, this is supposed to be
an all-girls party.

Hey, did you tell them all
your big news?

I'm moving in with my daughter.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, thank God.

Someone ordered a male stripper!

No. No, no.
I'm looking for a Larry Kaswell.

Oh, I'm Larry.

- Sir, you're under arrest.
- Huh?

Place your hands behind your back.

Excuse me. What are the charges?

Child endangerment, 13 counts.

So let me get this straight.

Last week, you took
a bunch of 9-year-olds

on a spur-of-the-moment field
trip to the Santa Monica pier

without their parents' permission?

- Yep.
- What were you thinking?

It was a beautiful day,
we were celebrating our win,

and everybody had sunscreen on.

Dad, one of the moms went
to the park to pick up her son,

and he wasn't there,
so she called the police.

I know. I... I know.

She's going through
some domestic dispute.

She thought the kid's dad
picked him up. I don't know.

But she called the police back
and owned up to the mistake.

It doesn't matter...
once the complaint is filed,

the authorities are obligated to act.

Oh, look, everybody's getting
their knickers in a twist

over a simple misunderstanding.

I made a deal with the D.A.

You'll plead guilty
and pay a fine, no jail time.

Oh, great. Can't wait
to get back to those Bulldogs.

No, dad, you're pleading guilty

to endangering the welfare of a child.

The league is not gonna
allow you back as coach.

What are you talking about?
Then it's no deal.

I'm not gonna abandon my kids.

They're not your kids.

For God's sake, you weren't this upset

when you abandoned me 25 years ago.

Oh, come on, Kimmy. That's not fair.

Dad, the D.A.'s office
is gonna be pissed

if you reject this plea.

And if we lose at trial,
they're gonna demand jail time.

All right. We're just gonna have to win.

Boy, I'm starving.

I haven't had anything to eat
since that dirty diaper.

Let's go see what's going on
at the coffee cart.

Miss Andrews, I just have one question.

How did you feel when
you found Mr. Bronson's memo

listing the Miss Universal finalists

before the judges
had even selected them?

I felt shattered.

Look, I still believe
in the honor, integrity,

kindness, and decency of the pageant,

but that man...
he violated all the rules.

Donna, isn't it true you recently met

with reality-show producers
about developing a TV series

based on your life as a pageant girl?

Yes, but...

In fact, the working title
of the TV series is

"The Beauty Queen Scandal."

Objection. Calls for speculation.

Overruled.

How do you know about that?

I'll take that as a "yes."

We now dismiss the witness and
call Peter Bronson to the stand.

Mr. Bronson, where were you

when miss Andrews
allegedly found the memo?

I was in a plane, returning
from a business trip to Macao.

Did you rig the Miss Universal pageant?

No. The pageant cannot be rigged.

We employ numerous fail-safes,

including independent judges
and a big-four accounting firm.

- Is that all?
- No.

Every document
that comes out of my office

is printed on state-of-the-art
anti-counterfeiting paper.

I'm handing Mr. Bronson
a piece of his office stationery

and a U.V. light.

Please shine the light onto the paper.

We call the court's attention
to the Bronson Enterprises logo.

Now I'd like to ask the bailiff
to hand the memo in question

to Mr. Bronson.

Please shine the light over the memo.

There's no logo,

which means this didn't
come out of my office.

This is a forgery.

We move to dismiss immediately.

Uh, hold on. We need more time.

You've wasted enough
of the court's time.

This case is dismissed.

Jane! Jane!

Jane!

What? What do you want, Donna?

What happens now?

I go home, have a glass
of wine, and you disappear.

I know what it looked like
in there, but...

I'm not an idiot, Donna.

The court dismissed your case
because you made it all up.

I'm certainly not gonna help you
get more attention.

Everything I told you was the truth.

Oh, come on.
You're as fake as that memo.

You just used me to smear
the reputation of Miss Universal

and all for your own gain.

How are you holding up?

Oh. Handbags. Yikes.

You're in a bad, bad place.

I can't believe
Donna Andrews lied to me.

At least your dad didn't get
arrested at your baby shower.

Yeah, that's got to sting.

Look, I don't know if you care,

but Peter Bronson
held a press conference

where he stripped Donna Andrews
of her title

and barred her from competing.

Well, good. Serves her right.

It's late and your case was dismissed.

- Why are you still here?
- Ugh!

I just had a fight with Stacy,

and I'm not ready to go home
and face her.

Let me guess.

Was her kale cleanse
making her irritable?

Sorry. What happened?

She wants my blessing
for Owen to be her sperm donor.

Stop.

That violates every rule of friendship.

No sperm... no way, no how.

I know. But Owen and I
aren't together, so...

Yeah, but you were together.

You need to go kick some sense into her.

Yeah, you know what? You're right.

I'm going home right now.

Stacy?

I forbid you from using
Owen's sperm for your baby.

- Jane...
- It is a total violation...

- Stop.
- No, you stop.

You can't ask your
best friend's ex for his sperm,

you know, especially
if they're not 100% over.

Jane...

And you certainly cannot have his baby.

I'm not having Owen's baby.

Good. I'm glad
you're listening to reason.

Owen said no.

I went to go see him,
and he was nice and everything,

but he just called me and told
me that he couldn't do it.

Sorry, sweetie.

No, you're not.

You're happy.

No. No.

I... I thought I would be happy,
but I actually feel terrible.

Are we expecting company?

No.

I'm expecting to be sad for a few weeks.

Then these should get me
through Tuesday.

Sweetie.

I know that I said I would support you.

So I should have at least
talked it through with you.

And I knew that picking Owen
would upset you,

but having Owen as the biological father

of my future child was the best choice.

Do you want to talk now?

No. If it's okay, I would rather frost.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You made breakfast?

Yeah. Come on, grab a stack.

You know, don't forget
you're eating for two there.

Oh, no time.
I need to prep your testimony.

Honey, come on.

Breakfast is the most important
meal of the day.

Fine.

But, please, I need you
to focus on your case.

Okay, I will. Now,
you just have to relax, honey.

I... I know you're a little bit anxious...

what... with the baby coming

and Parker being out of town and all.

Dad, Parker moved to be
with his other family in Canada.

Yeah, yeah. I know.
He... he told me the same thing.

You spoke with him?

Yeah, while you were in the shower.

I told him, man-to-man,

that he was shirking
his parental responsibilities.

Well, look, long story short,
he's gonna make every attempt

to be here for the birth
and possibly stay a few weeks.

No, no, no.

Dad, I do not want Parker here
for this child's birth

or anytime thereafter.

Look, I am perfectly capable of
raising this baby without him,

the same way mom raised me without you.

Kimmy, look, I'm just
trying to help you here.

Yeah?

Well, if you had been around more,

then maybe you would understand
that calling

your daughter's ex-boyfriend
is just not okay.

Jane, I'm really sorry
to bother you at home.

What's so urgent?

Donna was telling the truth.

Grayson, she's a snake.

She never wanted to do the reality show.

Her pageant coach approached TV
producers without her knowledge.

When they approached Donna,

she turned them down
and promptly fired her coach.

How do you know that?

After you left court, we talked.

She told me everything,
which I verified.

Why didn't I do that?

It's obvious.

You believe
in the integrity of the pageant.

When the evidence went one way,
you followed it.

Yeah, but I believed in
the pageant more than the queen.

I refused to listen to my own client.

What do we do now?

Donna, I just want to say
how sorry I am.

Well, I guess under the circumstances,

I wouldn't have believed me, either.

Okay, so, the way I see it...
someone must have forged

that memo and left it for you to find.

So you think I was sabotaged.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time

something like this has happened.

In 2007, miss Puerto Rico's makeup

was spiked with pepper spray.

And in 2010, Miss Australia was
stuck with pins from her costume

moments before she took the stage.

So maybe another contestant

left a phony memo for me to find.

Knowing that you would come
forward and be disgraced.

Hey, I might have something.

Great. Let's hear it.

Since we're looking
at other contestants,

I wanted to find out
who had the most to gain

by Donna's removal from the pageant.

What did you find out?

Turns out Vegas oddsmakers bet
on the Miss Universal pageant,

and Donna was the favorite
to win, until the lawsuit.

Okay. So, who's the new favorite?

Miss China.

China's never won before.

True, but she's gorgeous.

Not to mention she got a boost

when they added more weight
to the talent portion.

The girl can rock a piano.

Okay, Donna,
who all was in the greenroom

right before you found the memo?

Miss China.

But she's a friend.

She would never do anything to hurt me.

We're gonna have to talk to her.

Okay.

Her name's Lanfen, and she goes
to the café by her hotel

every day during her morning break.

Great. Let's go get some coffee.

Oh, I'd never do anything
to put those kids in danger.

I just wanted them
to have a perfect afternoon.

- So you took them to the pier.
- Yeah.

I... I wanted them to experience
the majesty of the waves,

the beauty of the dolphins breaching.

Thank you.

Being a coach is like
being a parent, isn't it?

Oh, I'd say so.

Would you also say that you
apply your parental judgment

when dealing with the team?

- Absolutely.
- Hmm.

- This document is people's exhibit "C."
- What is it?

- Affidavit.
- Filed by?

My daughter, Kimberly Kaswell.

The affidavit was filed as part

of her application
for college financial aid.

Objection. We had no notice.

It's impeachment. Notice isn't required.

Your Honor,
we'd like the witness to, uh,

read the highlighted portion.

"My father is not a presence in my life."

"He is unwilling to help me
with my educational expenses."

"I have had no meaningful
contact with him for years."

"And I don't see that changing."

None of this has any relevance
to my client's state of mind

at the time of the field trip.

Ms. Kaswell's own words show a history

of irresponsible behavior
when it comes to children.

I agree. The jury
may consider the affidavit.

I never knew that you had to
write a letter to your college.

It was a long time ago.

I was a terrible father.

It was unfair of me
to show up like I did.

Dad, let's just go home.

No. You know what?
I... I want to take the plea.

You won't be able to coach again.

You'll lose the Bulldogs.

Look, Kimmy,
I'm a goofball most of the time.

But now I'm being serious.
Please, take the plea.

I'll go home... my home.

Ms. Kaswell.

Yes?

I'm the mother who called the police

when my son Michael wasn't at the park.

- I'm so sorry.
- No. This isn't your fault.

Michael's a shy kid.

I thought joining a team

might bring him
out of his shell, but it didn't.

Then your dad showed up.

The man has endless patience

and he really gets through to the kids.

I know it's none of my business,

but whatever happened between
the two of you in the past,

you can be proud of him now.

He's a good man.

Thank you.

Got a minute?

Donna, what are you doing here?

You figured she'd
just disappear, didn't you?

I'm happy to see her. Uh, who are you?

She's a lawyer.

Lanfen, can we talk to you
for just a minute?

- I guess.
- I'll cut to the chase.

We believe you sabotaged Donna.

That's crazy.

Come on, Lanfen.

You planted that fake memo,
and you know it.

We were friends.

And this conversation... it's over.

You know,
now that Donna is disqualified,

you're the favorite to win, and we know

that you were in that greenroom
right before her,

giving you the perfect opportunity.

I wasn't in the greenroom.

I got called out last minute.

Really? By whom?

The head of pageant P.R.

He wanted me to take
some publicity photos.

There are no publicity photos
taken during the rehearsals.

I know.

I thought it was strange, but, you know,

he said he needed a photo of me
with my country's flag.

I still have his text message.

I'm really sorry, Lanfen.

I was sad when you lost
your title... honest.

- That was awful.
- Yeah.

I feel badly for accusing her,

but she did have the most to gain.

Wait a minute.

The big winners at pageants
aren't just the contestants.

The countries win, too.

You think a country forged the memo?

No, but I think all roads lead to China.

Donna, I know who rigged this pageant.

Mr. Bronson, you have business dealings

- across the globe, correct?
- Yes.

And, currently, you have a pending deal

for a casino in Macao, China?

That's right.

Now, according to your
corporate quarterly report,

you have spent $450 million
on the project

but have yet to be approved
for your gaming license.

We expect it any day now.

Now, tell me, Mr. Bronson,

you testified
that you were recently in Macao.

Did you meet
with any government officials?

Yes, the minister
of their Gaming Commission.

And?

And the Minister of Arts and Culture.

Did you promise
the Minister of Arts and Culture

that miss China would win the pageant

if they pressured
the gaming commissioner

to get you a license for your casino?

That's ridiculous.

Now, isn't it true

that you recently changed
the pageant rules

to give more weight
to the talent competition,

thus favoring miss China?

I don't know
who the rule change favored.

Well, as of three days ago,

Donna Andrews
was still the odds-on favorite.

So you had to find a way
to disqualify her.

Hence, you had your P.R. head
plant a fake memo,

knowing that Donna would find it
and go public.

I mean, I have to admit...
it's kind of brilliant.

Anyway, on the day
my client found the memo,

you had your head of P.R. take
publicity photos of miss China,

- didn't you?
- If you say so.

Oh, I do say so.

And, in fact,
we subpoenaed his e-mail account

and discovered that those photos
were subsequently sent

to an official at the Chinese
Ministry of Arts and Culture.

Now, of course, we did...
we contacted that official,

and he told us that the photos

were for miss China's victory parade,

which has already been scheduled.

But she hasn't won the pageant
yet... or has she?

I refuse to answer on the
grounds it might incriminate me.

That's a good idea,

since bribing a government official

is a violation of the
foreign corrupt practices act,

whether it is suitcases full of
cash or a simple pageant crown.

Boys, you can arrest him now.

Based on this newly discovered evidence,

we ask that you reverse
your earlier ruling

and issue a verdict
in favor of my client.

So ordered.

Oh, and Mr. Bronson...

...never mess with a beauty queen.

I understand Mr. Kaswell
is accepting the plea.

Yes, Your Honor.

No.

Um, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

My client rejects the plea.

- What?
- Kim.

Dad, the jury needs to hear
from someone else... me.

As you all now know, my father
left me when I was a kid.

He didn't teach me how to ride a bike.

He didn't attend my school play.

And he certainly didn't coach
my baseball team.

He walked out, and I hated him for it.

But the man who walked out on me

isn't the same man
who stands before you today.

By coaching the Bulldogs,
my father found a way

to become the amazing man
that I always wanted in my life.

Years ago, I would have told you

to lock him up, throw away the key.

But the man I hated...
he no longer exists.

Larry Kaswell is kind, and he's decent.

He's responsible.

So please don't punish who he
was. Celebrate who he's become.

I know I will.

Hey. Thank you for meeting me.

Of course. What's going on?

Well, for starters,
the government is collecting

fines from Bronson
for bribing foreign officials,

and you are entitled
to 30% of those fines.

Oh, my God.

I know. But it gets better.

Okay, the U.S. Attorney
was gonna force Bronson

to liquidate the pageant,
but I had a better idea.

In lieu of your 30%,

I suggested that they give
the pageant to you.

Give the pageant to me?

I'd own the pageant?

Well, I mean,
unless you prefer the cash.

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

Oh, Jane, I promise to be
the best pageant owner ever.

And I vow to protect
and defend the honor, integrity,

kindness, and decency

that are the soul
of any true pageant queen.

Oh!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Can I help you?

Uh... well, I won my qui tam case.

- Yep, that is great news.
- Yes.

- Grayson already told me.
- Oh.

What's going on, Jane?

Okay.

I know that you said no to
Stacy, and I think I know why.

Do you, now?

Being a sperm donor

for a lovely woman
trying to have a baby?

Owen, that is something you would do...

If it weren't for me.

So this is about you.

The only reason you said no
is because you think

that we might still get back together,

and if that is what you want,

I'm ready to work through our issues

and... and, someday,
start a family of our own.

But if I'm wrong,
and we're really, really over,

please, please be true to who you are

and help Stacy start a family.

Got your text. Am I going to jail?

The clerk called.

You're home free,

and you get to go back
to coaching the Bulldogs.

But you have to continue living with
me through the end of playoffs.

Oh, well, great. Thanks.

I, uh... I don't know what to say.

Look, I'll be out of the house

by the end of the championships, okay?

Not so fast.

Once the baby's here,
I'm gonna need a little help,

so I expect you to pull your weight.

I, uh... I don't even know
how to change a diaper.

Never learned.

I, uh... whew, boy.

I guess there's a first time
for everything, huh?

Well, you can start with this.

Uh... oh, great.

Just pretend it's a diaper bag.

Hey, dad, I'll meet you at the elevator.

All right, sweetheart.

- Grayson, got a minute?
- Sure. What's up?

Excuse me.

Is something going on
with you and Nicole?

I'm not judging you if there is.

I mean, we all know I've found company

with people at this office.

Why are you asking?

Come on. Lawyers and support staff?

I mean, if you're serious
with her, then fine.

Good for you.

But if it's just a fling,

they tend to end in tears
and out-of-court settlements.

So as a partner,
I'm asking you to consider

whether it's worth ruining
a long-term working relationship

for a bit of fun.

I'll take care of it.

Hey.

Hey.

Can we talk in private?

Everything okay?

Let's go outside.

Nicole... I want to say
that I've enjoyed

the time we've spent together.

Me too.

But we both know it's just been a fling,

and I'm not really a fling kind of guy.

Well, I appreciate you telling me.

So...

I'd like us to go on a date...

Like, a real date...

If that's cool.

Okay.

But I got to warn you...

I don't sleep with guys
on the first date.

Gonna go.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey.

Hi, Stace.

Uh, do you have a minute?
I'd like to talk now.

Yeah, yeah. Sure. Of course.

Um, just packing up for the night.

Maybe I can take you out for a drink.

Yeah, okay.

Is everything okay, sweetie?

Mm-hmm. Jane, I'm having a baby.

What? Oh, my God. What?

Owen just told me
that he changed his mind.

He's gonna be my sperm donor.

Oh, my God. That... that's amazing.

Oh, my God.

Um, I'm so happy for you.

Oh!