Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 5, Episode 4 - Cheaters - full transcript

See that aspiring model there?

That's me... Deb...
until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to heaven,

but there was a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up in someone else's body.

[ Screams ]

So now I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe,

and the only people who really
know what's going on with me

are my girlfriend Stacy
and my guardian angel, Paul.



I used to think everything
happened for a reason.

Whoo!
[ Laughs ]

Now, I sure hope I was right.

Drop Dead Diva 5x04 - Cheaters
Original air date July 14, 2013

Stacy in the house.

Are you okay?

I just mean that you're in the house.

Since you sold the pakery,
I thought you'd be home more.

Oh. I've been busy.

Busy with what?

Things...

...that people do.

Okay.
[ Chuckles ]

Where are you when you do these things?



Places...

Where people go.

Stace, what's going on?

Ladies, can you keep it down, please?

Sorry, Paul.

No, no. Do not whisper for him.

- Paul, you are a guest!
- Yeah, I know.

That's why I stopped
using your toothbrush.

And...

I started wearing underwear.

- Ohh.
- What else do you want from me?

[ Cellphone chiming ]
Oh, God.

It's 8:30. I should've been
out of here at 8:24.

[ Chuckles ] Now that Owen's
your boss, you can't be late?

No, no.

I have figured out a way
to work with my ex-fiancé.

Avoidance?

- You bet.
- Mm.

See, he gets to the firm
at 9:15, so I arrive at 9:10.

And then I hide out in my office
till 9:20,

when he goes into his office.

And I can pretty much
roam freely till 11:00,

when he comes out for a snack.

I wonder if Courteney Cox has to do this

when she works with David Arquette.

Now it's 8:31.

Stacy, have a good day,
whatever it is you're doing.

Oh, hang on. Jane, I'm coming with.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

Don't worry. I got clothes in the car.

[ Door opens ]

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Okay. All right.
[ Telephone rings ]

Now, listen. You can't
just hang out at my office.

This is a place of business.

You let your other
guardian angels up here.

But they were working here.

You don't see Owen, do you?

- No.
- Okay.

Look, Jane, just give me a job.
I'll do anything.

I have tremendous upper-body strength.

No. Stop.

It's Owen.

Um, um, move. Move!

Kim!

[ Sighs ]

My dry cleaning.
I need a 24-hour turnaround.

Tell Nicole. She's your new assistant.

Welcome.

I like the place on the corner.
There's a coupon in my desk.

And, uh, my car needs a wash.

Sorry, but I don't do personal errands.

Excuse me?

Well, Owen brought me
from the courthouse

to deal with client-related business...

motions, pleadings, research.

[ Laughs ]

You're serious.

Then you're fired.

Go steal some office supplies.
I won't tell.

Owen never gets coffee this early.

He must've had a late night.

Jane, about that job...

I got skills. I can juggle.

I can speak Latin... well, pig Latin.

I can do impressions.
I mean, I can learn.

You want a job?

Follow Stacy and find out
what she's been doing all day.

You want me to spy on your best friend?

Oh, my God, you're right.
That's a terrible idea.

It's an awesome idea. I can be a spy.

Okay. I got to make a run for it.

- Jane.
- Oh! Geez. Owen!

[ Breathing heavily ]

What... what a surprise.

You've been avoiding me.

What? No. No.
[ Laughing ] Come on.

Stop. Please.

Kim is concerned
that we can't work together.

Well, did you tell her
that we are professionals?

I did, which is why

I'm your new co-counsel
on your Jenson pro bono.

[ Laughing ]
Great.

That's great.

My S.A.T. scores got red-flagged

by the testing service.

They said his scores went up
too much after his first try.

If scores increase more than 350 points,

it triggers an automatic
investigation for cheating.

I studied every waking minute,

except when I was in school
or running track.

He runs track for
the Santa Monica track club.

It's a world-class team.
She's a very proud mom.

Four years ago,
the principal at Elmcrest Prep

handpicked my son
for their outreach program.

And now he's the first one
in our family to go to college,

and with a full scholarship.

If you get my scores reinstated.

It says here you got a 1650
the first time and then a 2050?

Yeah. I need an 1800
for the scholarship.

Nick, a formal investigation
takes three months.

And I know it's a pain, but why
not just take the test again?

The next test date
isn't for another month.

I need to send my scores
in to tufts by next week.

These cases can be
very difficult to expedite.

There are strict protocols.
You should know that...

we will get right on it.

[ Laughs ]

We'll start by invoking
the arbitration clause,

and I'll see if your principal
will testify on your behalf.

Thank you.

No problem.
[ Chuckles ]

Never cut me off again.

Sorry. It's just...

you were being a bit negative,

and I like to give my clients more hope.

I was trying to give the kid a way out.

A way out of what?

He's under a lot of pressure.

Just because he says he didn't cheat
doesn't mean he didn't cheat.

Sorry. He just doesn't
look like a cheater to me.

In my experience, the people
who appear least likely to cheat

are the ones you got to watch out for.

Are we done?

Yeah, we're done.

Our boy Billy has been accused

of forcing himself
on the neighbors' girl.

Oh, my God.
Billy's been accused of rape?

And they're claiming
that he got her pregnant.

Is he in custody?

No, Belinda took him out to pee.

[ Dog whimpers ]

So the neighbors' girl is...

Stella, a Maltese.

- Ah.
- Charles and Pesha Van Horn

claim that Billy trespassed
in their lawn and defiled her.

Even if your neighbors'
allegations are true,

they can't be asking for that much.

$250,000.

That's insane.

No one in the neighborhood
can stand them.

They can't even stand each other.

Charles is a lawyer that loves to sue.

He sued the neighbors across the street,

claiming that their two-story
birdhouse was an eyesore.

It is, but who sues over that?

And now he's turning on us.

Today's arbitration is to determine

whether the testing service

may withhold Nick Jenson's test scores,

subject to a cheating investigation.

We understand their protocols,

but Nick's scores improved
because he studied.

And principal Daly will attest to that.

90% of my students who retake the test

show significant increases.

400 points without cheating?
Almost impossible.

"Almost impossible" by
definition means still possible.

Since principal Daly
took over at Elmcrest,

they have become one of
the largest feeders in the state

to Ivy league schools,

and they offer their students a
comprehensive S.A.T. prep class.

And, principal Daly,
do you believe that prep class

could explain a 400-point jump?

Absolutely.

Nick's first score was a 1650.

That's correct.

Did you not prepare him
the first time around?

At that time,

Nick was intensely training
with his track team.

He lacked focus.

This is the answer sheet
from Nick's first attempt.

In our experience,
if he had "lacked focus,"

he would've answered randomly.

But our analysis shows
his answers weren't arbitrary.

So maybe the 1650 is a genuine
reflection of his abilities?

Our outreach students

have less experience
with standardized tests.

After Nick's first attempt,

he dedicated himself
to the S.A.T. prep work,

which explains his dramatic improvement.

Okay, then.

Unless either party

has additional evidence to introduce...

Oh. We just ask that you render
your decision quickly.

You'll have it by the end of the day.

Great. Thank you.

There's no way Billy could've
gotten into the Van Horns' yard.

There's a six-foot-high fence
and a locked gate

that separates our properties.

Billy's a large dog.
Could he have jumped?

No. Billy has hip dysplasia.
He's physically disabled.

No further questions.

Mr. Van Horn.

I'd like to enter into evidence
this home-surveillance video.

Can you identify
the dog defiling Stella?

Uh, Your Honor, this is a bit
of an unfair surprise.

May I have a moment
to consult with my client?

You may not.

The witness will answer the question.

Yes, that's our Billy.

[ Spectators murmur ]

I'm afraid to tell Jane.

I'm not sure how she'll react.

You can't be afraid of your friend.

I know, but she might not understand.

Her opinion shouldn't affect
your life choices.

You know what? You're right.
You're the best.

Leslie!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I feel like I've known you
my entire life.

I'm here for you no matter what.

Mm.

To the future.

To the future.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughs ]

- Kim.
- Shh!

Why are you spying on your assistant?

Well, I fired her.

But Owen rehired her.

See, you can't use her
for personal errands.

The firm's H.R. manual prohibits it.

You've read the firm's H.R. manual?

Of course. Haven't you?

Yes.

Now, please tell me

you found a way to get our dog
out of the doghouse.

Not after that X-rated video.

I think we need to focus on damages.

No. The Morts have been loyal
to this firm.

We'll never keep their business
if we lose.

Hello? Grayson?

Yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to focus.

Attractive nuisance.

You're calling Jane
an attractive nuisance?

Yes.

No.
[ Scoffs ]

The tort of attractive nuisance...

when you're drawn
to something that's dangerous,

like a kid to a swimming pool.

We can argue that Billy isn't
responsible for his actions

because Stella, a dog in heat,
constitutes...

An attractive nuisance.

Why not?

Get right on that.

Jane! I know what she's doing
behind your back.

Check these out.

Her name's Leslie.

She's prompt, a good listener,

and she drinks chai lattes with agave.

Oh, my God.

I know. What's wrong
with a little white sugar?

No, Paul.

Stacy and I drink chai lattes
with agave at that café.

I mean... I mean, we used to.

God. Do you get what this means?

Uh, they're thirsty?

It means that I have not
been there for her,

and she found a new best friend.

That's crazy.

You think?

No, it makes sense.
They've been inseparable.

After the café, they went to the park,

and then Leslie came back to your place,

and they talked for hours.

No. You know what?

I have been so obsessed
with my wedding and my breakup

that I have not been there for her.

And she stood by me

through everything
that I have been through,

including my home waxing disaster.

God, I'm a terrible friend.
I have to fix this.

Oh, wait. Should I keep spying on Stacy?

I'll take that as a yes!

Teri, send Stacy flowers...
tulips, her favorite...

and write on the card
"to a wonderful friend."

You never send me flowers,

and I am a wonderful friend
and an assistant.

You know what? You're right.
Send yourself flowers.

How thoughtful. Where are you going?

My office.

The Jensons are in the conference room.

Owen is on the phone
with the arbitrator,

and the verdict is in.

- Ooh, that was fast.
- Um, you know what?

I don't really want flowers.
I... I want chocolate.

Great. Okay. Yeah.
Send yourself some chocolate.

Oh, wait. Um, but what
should I write on the card?

I'm very sorry.

I spoke with the arbitrator, who
sided with the testing service.

They'll have three months
for their investigation.

- No.
- We can appeal.

We will not give up.

There's something else.

I called principal Daly
to tell her about the decision.

She says you took a drug test
through the track team?

Yeah, at the meet last week.
I peed in a cup.

- You failed the test.
- Nick?

It's impossible. I don't do drugs.

They found amphetamines.

And since Elmcrest
has a zero-tolerance policy,

you've been expelled.

Boss, police.

I'm going to jail?

- Marlena Jenson?
- Yes?

You are under arrest for criminal
sale of a controlled substance.

- What?!
- What?!

Mom?!

Okay, okay. Do not say a word.

We will meet you at the station.

The D.A. believes
that you gave your son drugs,

which, under the law,
constitutes a sale.

That's ridiculous.

His urine test revealed

a banned schedule II
substance... Adderall.

Adderall? I take Adderall.

My doctor prescribed it for my A.D.H.D.

We know. The D.A. spoke
to your insurance carrier.

Adderall is a known academic steroid,

since it helps with focus.

Now, the D.A.'s theory is that
you gave the pills to Nick

to help him focus on the S.A.T.

I would never do that.

Marlena,
where do you keep your Adderall?

In my medicine cabinet.

Is it possible that Nick
could have taken them himself?

Attractive nuisance?
That's an insult to Stella.

Your Honor, California code 30954 states

that it is unlawful
to permit any female dog

to run at large when the dog is in heat.

De facto attractive nuisance,
Your Honor.

That's preposterous. The code
violation doesn't sound in tort law.

I agree.

Clever argument,
but the plaintiff is right.

Unless you have something else to argue,

we're moving on to damages tomorrow.

[ Gavel bangs ]

[ Horn honks ]

Yes, I took Adderall.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Because you knew it was cheating.

No.

A buddy in my S.A.T. prep group
told me about the "smarties."

It wasn't like I took them
to get high or anything.

Okay, Nick. Did you take
the pills from your mom?

No. I swear.

- Then where did you get them?
- I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I can show you how I got them.

You go to this T-shirt website.

[ Keys clacking ]

Then you go to the order page.

Under "quantity,"
you type in your locker number.

I'll type in my friend's,
since I'm expelled.

Then you put in your PayPal account,

and your credit card gets
charged 10 bucks to AwesomeT's.

The next day, you open your locker,

and you find an envelope with two beans.

I am... amazed.

So you'll show this to the cops,

and they'll release my mom, right?

Well, we can't go to the police

till we can verify what you told us.

And I know how to do just that.

You want me to pretend to be his mother?

Stepmother.

Dad is 80, you're his hot trophy wife,

and Paul is your stepson who
wants to go to Elmcrest Prep.

We are setting up a sting
to find out who's selling drugs.

Like "21 Jump Street."

I'm Channing Tatum,

though there is something
special about Jonah Hill.

Great. You're going on a tour
later this afternoon.

When you pass locker 781,
hide this camera across from it.

I will stream it to my laptop.

Okay, Paul, if you don't mind,
can I speak to Stacy?

Sure.

Alone.

Ah.

Sweetie...

Um...

I just want to say thank you
for doing this for me.

Of course. No problem.

And I know that lately I have
been all about me, me, me,

and I haven't been there
for you, you, you,

but I'm here now.

And you are my best friend.

Thank you.

[ Both chuckle ]

Okay, look. I just...

I get a sense that there's
something you're not telling me.

Are you upset?

We've never had secrets.

Jane, I'm not ready
to have this conversation.

So there is a conversation.
See? I knew it.

Look, we will talk
about this later, okay?

Right now I need to get into character.

[ Clears throat ]

Elmcrest Prep's computer
facilities are state-of-the-art.

- Yes?
- How's your cheerleading squad?

Your son's interested in cheerleading?

Uh, I'm a tumbler with a booming voice.

I'd be crazy not to use my talents.

Our squad is top-notch,

and we'd be crazy not to sign you up.

Do you have students
from same-sex parents?

We welcome students
from all types of families.

Diversity's important at Elmcrest.

Oh, good. Paul comes
from a diverse family.

I'm young, and my husband
is very, very old.

Let me show you the science lab.

Okay.

[ Knock on door ]

How goes your sting operation?

About an hour ago,
two kids were making out.

It got so steamy,

I swear to God, I had to turn away.

Are you keeping me company?

My case, too.

So, how do you like
being a lawyer again?

I'm sure you don't miss
those judges' robes.

You always said that they were itchy.

I'm really trying to get up to speed

on the firm's operating procedures,

- so, if you don't mind...
- Sorry.

Okay.

I will be quiet.

Promise.

- Hey, Owen.
- Jane!

No, something is actually happening.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. It's just the janitor.

Sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, my God, Owen. It's the janitor.

[ Gasps ]

Proof positive that Nick Jenson

didn't get the Adderall from his mother.

And this envelope was recovered
from the locker.

We demand that the D.A. release
Miss Jenson from custody.

Who's selling the drugs?
Who's the blurred-out guy?

We're not revealing
that information at this time.

Then I'll charge the two of you
with obstruction of justice.

Owen.

Before you charge an ex-judge
with obstruction,

you might want to run it
by your boss first.

I expect to see Marlena Jenson freed,

the charges dismissed immediately.

Thank you.

While I admit your
scare tactics were masterful,

why are you protecting the janitor?

Our first responsibility
is to our client.

I'm well aware.

Well, it would be a shame
if we gave up that footage

and didn't use it to our advantage.

What advantage?

The principal expelled Nick.
We need to get him readmitted.

That footage is our ace in the hole.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey. Jane's not home.

I know. I came to see you.

Me?

If you need undercover work
on a legal case,

I'm gonna have to start charging.

I need your advice.

Stacy, I'm...

I'm in love with Jane.

Hold up.

I can't talk with you about her.
It's not right.

You have to tell me if I have a chance.

If it's all in my head, I need to know,

and I'll try to move on.

Go talk to her. Tell her how you feel.

I've tried. She pushes me away.

She barely even talks to me
at work. I...

Here's all I can say to you.

Jane pictured a life with Owen.

And if you want to win her over,

maybe she needs to see a life with you.

That's what I needed to hear.

Wait. I didn't really say anything.

Thank you, Stacy. Thank you.

'Kay.

Well, you are absolutely right.

This is an outrage.

I will terminate the janitor
immediately.

We're here because
we want you to readmit Nick,

wipe his record clean.

Absolutely not.

I have a zero-tolerance drug policy.

Really? I mean, drugs
seem pretty tolerated to me.

Nick did get the Adderall on
your campus, from your janitor.

And we have evidence

that the janitor's operation
is widespread.

Nick is a terrific kid,
but none of that matters.

In my school, you get caught
with drugs, you're out.

- Well, thank you for your time.
- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

We're gonna just run this over
to the evening news.

Oh.

I can see you like the press.

Mm. Good idea.

Prep school, rich kids,
janitor dealing Adderall...

they'll eat that scandal right up.

My students really don't need
that distraction. Please.

Readmit Nick.

No expulsion, no scandal.

You have a deal.

Stella's $250,000 valuation
is not unreasonable.

She comes from a long line
of A.K.C. champions.

She's a champion herself...
best of breed, best of show.

She was a shoo-in for Westminster.

So much so, we were contacted
by a dog-food company

for an endorsement.

$250,000?

No Maltese has ever sold for
that amount of money, correct?

Well, not yet.

But prior to her pregnancy,

I placed an ad in "The Pedigree Report"

putting Stella up for sale
at that price.

You were going to sell Stella?

Before the incident, yes.
She was at her prime.

Did you get any interest?

No. The ad was only up for a week.

No one's gonna want to buy her
in this condition.

Oh, good. Teri, I need your help.

What can I do for you?

But first, how's it going with Owen?

He hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

Why would he come to work here?

To make my life hell.

Look, Teri, I just
haven't told you something.

Oh. Is it that
when you work really late,

you lock your office door
and take off your bra?

No! Oh, my God!

I kissed Grayson right before
I was supposed to marry Owen.

I know. I figured it out.

Grayson comes in to check on you,

and then Owen passes out...
bam... wedding called off.

Let's be honest.

You've been mooning over Grayson
ever since he came to work here.

I'm horrible.

Who isn't?

Now, what can I do for you?

AwesomeT's website... I'm confused.

How did the janitor set up this website?

You think he had help?

There are a bunch
of genius kids at this school.

So I wonder,

was the janitor the brains
or was he just the mule?

I'm on it.

Oh, thanks for letting me
tell you about Grayson.

And thank you for the amazing
box of imported chocolates

that cost twice as much
as Stacy's flowers.

[ Chuckles ]

Mr. Dumont,
as an A.K.C. registered judge,

in your opinion,
is Stella worth $250,000?

I'd like to see her walk, please.

Come closer.

That dog was never worth $250,000.

And why is that?

The Maltese is known
for its long and silky hair.

Stella has a slight frizz.

She has a bit of tear-staining,
perhaps from distichiasis.

I also detect a very slight harelip.

So you're saying Stella
wouldn't win Westminster?

That's correct.

Don't get me wrong.

The dog is high-caliber,
but she's not a champion.

Thank you.

When was the last time you
judged a national competition?

About three years ago.

Did you have an affair
with Maria Frankel,

the owner of the bichon frise

who won that competition
three years ago?

Objection. That has nothing to do

with the witness's ability
to evaluate a dog's worth.

Your Honor, I'd like
to rephrase the question.

Go ahead.

You believed Miss Frankel's
bichon was a national champion?

That's right.

And since the dog won that
competition three years ago,

has it even placed
in another competition?

No.

No further questions.

Sleeping with a contestant's owner?

How could you not tell us that?

I didn't think it was relevant.

You lost all credibility on the stand.

I'm sorry.

[ Sighs ]
Let's go.

She's fat.

- I'm pregnant!
- So not cool, buddy.

Not you.

Stella.

She's too big for a Maltese
that's three weeks' pregnant.

Well, the father was a large dog.

That doesn't explain her
oddly proportioned weight gain.

I didn't notice it from the other angle,

but I'd take a look
at her medical records.

Maybe she's being treated

for a thyroid condition
or something glandular.

Which would decrease her value
on the open market

prior to getting pregnant.

I'll subpoena her vet records
and meet you back at the office.

Thank you.

Jane.

Oh, what now? Did Stacy
un-friend me on Facebook?

No. I think I've reached

a very interesting conclusion
about Stacy.

- Take a look at these pictures.
- Yeah, I've seen them already.

Well, this time, look closely.

Stacy and Leslie are always touching.

Women are not uptight like men.
We touch.

If you're implying that Stacy and Leslie

are romantically involved,
you're way off.

Yesterday at school,
Stacy asked the principal

if they accept students
from same-sex families,

which is totally out of character

because she was married to my dad.

And not to play into stereotypes,

but Leslie drives a Subaru
and she's a vegan.

And when was the last time
Stacy was on a date with a dude?

Look, I would know
if my best friend was a lesbian.

Oh, my God! My best friend is a lesbian!

This is wonderful news!

See? She doesn't hate me.

She just needed time to come out to me.

I'm gonna be the most supportive
friend ever.

Jane, in your office, now.

Thank you, Paul.

Hey, Paul?

I've been watching you,
and I have a proposition.

Well, I'm on a roll,
so bring it on, sista.

I don't play like that.

[ Clears throat ] Sorry.
What can I do for you?

I just saw your memo.

You're arguing that taking
Adderall is not cheating?

According to their guidelines,

Adderall is not a banned substance.

Nick took it illegally. That's cheating.

It's kind of a gray area.

Maybe it's not copying off a friend,

but it did give a Nick
an unfair advantage.

He still used his own brainpower.

He's a kid, you know?

Maybe he just got caught up
in the moment.

If someone has a moral center, Jane,

they don't just get caught up
in the moment.

Oh, is this a bad time?

'Cause I have some info on the janitor.

He's left the country.

He just got fired,
and he's already gone?

He doesn't seem like a bad guy.

He's a churchgoer, no record.

He volunteers for meals on wheels.

He's the last guy
you'd expect to sell drugs.

Maybe he needed the money.

Well, the website only sells Adderall,

and the buyers
are only students at Elmcrest.

Check this out.

This is AwesomeT's web traffic
over the past 12 months.

Here, lots of Adderall sales.

And here, the site's not even active.

Turns out the site's only operational

the week before standardized tests...

the S.A.T.s, the A.C.T.s, and the A.P.S.

And who at this school
would have the most to gain

from high test scores?

The same person who would want
the janitor to disappear

so he couldn't point a finger.

Principal Daly is the drug dealer.

No thyroid problems, no Graves' disease.

Despite the dog expert, Stella's
poundage is pure pregnancy.

[ Sighs ]
And for the record, so is mine.

Can I see that?

Sure.

Hmm.

Yep. Nothing unusual
about her medical history.

The vet bills are paid for by CVH Trust.

And here again, CVH Trust.

Why would a trust be paying
for a doggy check-up?

Maybe the trust owns the dog?

CVH.

Charles Van Horn.

He owned the dog
outside of his marriage.

Where are Stella's pedigree papers?

We got to get back to court.

Hi!

Hi. Is this an okay time?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm just prepping for a hearing
to reinstate my client's scores.

But none of that even matters!

Just... okay, come here.

- Sit down.
- Okay.

[ Both sigh ]

So...

I know what's going on,

and I support you, and I love you.

You do?

[ Laughing ]
Yes. And I'm super-excited.

I'm just glad you figured it out now

and didn't wait until you were like 50.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, I couldn't do it then.

I mean, unless I froze my eggs.

Why would you have to freeze your eggs

just 'cause you're a lesbian?

A lesbian?

Isn't that what we're talking about?

Oh, no.
[ Laughs ] Jane, I'm not gay.

I mean, we once kissed in high school,

but that was just for practice.
That was just for practice.

Okay, so, look.

I have some big news.

[ Chuckles ]

Huge, actually.

I want to be a mom.

I want to get pregnant and have a baby.

A baby?

Stacy!

A baby?

Yes. I have given it so much thought.

I can give you all the reasons
it makes sense

and all the reasons it doesn't,
but we can do that later.

Right now, I just want your support.

Yes. O... of course. Yes.

You always have my support.

But wait a minute.

If you're not a lesbian,
then who's Leslie?

- Leslie?
- Yeah.

Oh, um, she's my friend from yoga.

She is a lesbian.

She has two kids through
artificial insemination,

and she's been my sounding board.

Got it. Wow.

I know.

Come here.

Mm.

You're gonna be an awesome mom.

[ Sighs ] I hope so.

Mrs. Van Horn, since Billy can't jump,

we asked ourselves, how the heck
did he get into your backyard?

Any thoughts

I have no idea.

We wondered, who would benefit
from Stella's pregnancy?

And then we learned
that a trust places Stella

outside of community property,

which means that if Charles
wanted to sell Stella,

you couldn't stop him.

- Isn't that right?
- Objection.

Overruled.

No, I... I can't stop Charles
from selling Stella.

You love her.

Yes.

Did you want Charles to sell Stella?

Please answer the question.

No. I didn't want him to sell Stella.

But Charles placed the ad anyway.

And so when Stella went into heat,

you opened the gate to
the backyard and let Billy in.

- Isn't that right?
- Objection! Conjecture.

It's true. I did.
I opened the gate. [ Sighs ]

Because I knew if she got pregnant

that he couldn't sell my baby.

I'm so sorry. I never thought
he would sue you.

And it looks like we're done here.

Not yet.

Please inform my wife
that the dog is my property,

and she'll have to
turn it over to me... now.

No. Please, Charles.

I'm afraid he's correct.

Your Honor, if I may?

Mrs. Van Horn, have you
ever bought Stella anything

using money from a personal account?

Yes, of course. Um...
[ Sniffles ]

grooming and toys... uh, a poncho.

Well, Charles, as a lawyer,

you know that those purchases
constitute commingling,

and a commingled asset
is a marital asset,

which means that Stella
is now owned by both of you.

- Hold on.
- No.

No reason to hold on to anything.

Ms. Kaswell is correct.

Nice job.

Fine!

Keep the damn dog. She's damaged goods.

[ Door opens ]

Thank you so much.

Would you be interested in
representing me in my divorce?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Miss Bingum, I'm unclear
why I'm reading the results

of your client's drug test.

The testing service
claimed increased studying

was not enough to boost Nick's scores,

and they were right.

Nick did have help... Adderall.

So he used drugs to get a higher score?

That's not helping your argument.

Adderall is not
a listed banned substance,

so technically it's not cheating.

Well, we disagree.
[ Knock on door ]

Sorry I'm late.

I was at the D.A.'s office.

Principal Daly has just been arrested

for the illegal sale of Adderall.

I have here a list
of 49 Elmcrest Prep students

who purchased the drug
through a website that she ran.

Wait. She was selling the drugs?

To boost her students' test scores

to elevate her stature
in the scholastic community.

I applaud you for exposing this,

but what is the testing service
supposed to do?

We would like you to release
Nick's scores immediately.

We won't condone academic juicing.

Fine. If you disqualify Nick's scores,

then you have to disqualify
the 48 other students.

I agree.

W... wait. Excuse me.

But did all the students on that list

increase their S.A.T. scores?

Yes, by an average of 21%.

And with normal prep, no drugs,

how much does the average
student's score increase?

We estimate 10%. Why?

10% of 1650, my first test score,

is 165.

Adding that amount to my first score,

I'd have an 1815.

Which gets you the scholarship.

We will drop the appeal

if you apply the 10% cap,
which discounts...

which discounts the effects
of the drug use.

I think that's a reasonable
resolution given the situation.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Fine.

Nick clearly knows his math.
We can't argue with that.

I think we're done here.

Is this my dry cleaning?

Yes, it is.

I appreciate you coming around.

Yeah, I told you
I don't do personal errands.

Paul?

From now on, whenever you need
a new shade of lipstick

or your shoes repaired,
Paul is your man.

Your car is washed. Here's your keys.

And nice ride, may I add.

Yeah. Those aren't my keys.

I'll be right back.

[ Both laugh ]

Aww. Bingum and French.

Looks like you two can work together.

Oh, we got the job done.

Good. Let's keep it going, next
time for a paying client, hmm?

[ Chuckles ]

We did do good work.

[ Chuckles ] I guess that's something.

I guess it is.

Are you looking for something else?

I...

What is it, Jane?

I just wish that you would forgive me.

Of course you do.

Then you'd be free... no guilt.

You could go on with your life.

But I would still feel like crap.

What can I do?

What can I do to make this better?

Tell me this...

when you kissed Grayson,
was it "in the moment,"

or did you have feelings for him
the whole time we were together?

Forget it.

I don't want to know.

Paul. I appreciate your help.

You're welcome.

But you cannot keep hanging out here.

Au contraire.

I am the new H&P intern.
Nicole arranged it.

The firm's budget's
been cut to the bone,

and by law, interns must be paid.

Or get college credit.

I just signed up for an online degree.

I'm gonna be a professional spy.

I'm hoping to uncover more
lesbians once I get my degree.

But first, I have to find Kim's keys.

Good luck with that.

Grayson.

Stacy let me in. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

It's for you.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Jane...

No, wait. Stop.

I need you to stop.

I love the way you laugh.

No, Grayson, please don't.

I love how you always surprise me.

I love the way
you roll your eyes at Kim.

I love how you know obscure laws

and Justin Timberlake's middle name.

But I love the way your mind works.

I see my life with you.

A family...

kids, Christmas.

You know how I'm so certain?

Because I can't see my life without you.

Less than a month ago,
I was engaged to Owen.

[ Sighs ] I can't do this.
I just can't do this.

You know what? You just... you
deserve someone better than me.

No. When we kissed, I knew
we were meant to be together.

Tell me you don't feel the same way.

That kiss...

I was just in the moment.

You know, we were both
just in the moment.

And this is... this... God.

This is beautiful.
[ Chuckles ]

But I can't.

And you should... you should go.

[ Ross Copperman's "Holding On
And Letting Go" plays ]

Look me in the eye
and tell me this isn't real.

I need you to go.

♪ It's everything you wanted

♪ it's everything you don't

♪ it's one door swinging open

♪ and one door swinging closed

♪ some prayers find an answer

♪ some prayers never know

♪ we're holding on and letting go ♪