Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 5, Episode 1 - Back from the Dead - full transcript

Let me get this straight.

You died, went to heaven,

pressed a button,

and they turned you into a size 16?

[Screams]

Pretty much.

That is so unfair.

Male announcer:
Previously on Drop Dead Diva...

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm Jane now.

He loved Deb.



Do you believe that love conquers all?

I want to.

Let him fall in love with you.

You know, you're pretty amazing, Jane.

Any chance I had with Grayson is gone.

But you know those office romances

never work out, right?

No, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

Really?

[Screams]

Tell me everything.

I've got a lunch
with a judge in his chambers.

Mm!



Deb is gone, and you must move on.

I hear you are the one
who sent Deb back into my body.

Will you marry me?

♪ And so we shake off the day ♪

♪ and then we came here to play ♪

♪ until the night turns into day ♪

♪

Parker, I'm pregnant.

I know.

You're the father.

♪

Would I swap this life for my old life?

You're the only one

who can make me feel the way Deb did.

[Gasps]

Owen!

Announcer: And if you think
you know what's coming next...

No! No!

Announcer: You don't know diva.

[Gasps]

Announcer: The divalicious
season premiere

of Drop Dead Diva starts now.

Drop Dead Diva 5x01 - Back from the Dead
Original air date June 23, 2013

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I'm trying to find my fiancé,
Owen French.

French, as in the language or the toast.

The paramedics said
they brought him here.

I'm sorry, but...

He's dead?!

No, ma'am.

But I can't tell you where he is.

You know what?

You listen here,
little miss... Nurse Garcia,

I realize that I'm just his fiancée

and not technically his wife

and, therefore,
not his legal healthcare proxy.

But I am a very smart lawyer.

- Some would say brilliant.
- Mm-hmm.

And if you do not tell me
where he is, I swear to God,

I will find a way to sue you
and this hospital.

Are you done?

Yeah.

I can't tell you where he is
because Mr. French...

as in the fries...

checked himself out.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Against doctor's orders, he took off.

Now, if you ever come in here

threatening me again or this hospital...

Okay. I apologize. I'm sorry.

See, my corset's really, really
tight, and I can barely breathe.

We've got to find him.

- He's not here.
- Damn it.

Owen always goes to his chambers
when he's stressed.

Maybe he went to his apartment.

No, he gave it up.

He was putting his stuff in storage

until we got back from the honeymoon.

Try calling him again.

Sweetie, he doesn't want to talk to me.

He's not taking my calls.

Jane, what the hell is going on?

Okay.

Um, you know how Owen... passed out?

Yeah.

Well, that was after he walked
in on me and Grayson... kissing.

Oh, my... Grayson.

See, Grayson came in to see
what was taking me so long.

And, you know,
we just started talking, and...

and he told me that he loved me.

And then... and then we... we kissed.

And I didn't mean for it
to happen, you know?

But it's Grayson.

I opened my eyes, and... and...
and Owen is there, and...

and I swear I felt his heart break.

I've got to find him,

and I have got to beg him
to take me back.

Uh, what about Grayson?

I made a commitment to Owen.

I love Owen.

Right. I know.

And Matthew loved Lavinia,

but he still ended up with Lady Mary.

What?

"Downtown Abbey."

Lavinia died of the Spanish flu,

and Matthew died at the end of season 3.

Owen is very much alive,

and I need to make things right
with him.

Ladies.

Teri, how did you find us?

We've been texting.

What's going on?

Well, let's see.

I dismissed all your wedding guests.

I put your mother in a cab.
I paid the band.

I got the drummer's phone number.

I boxed up all the catered food

and had it sent to a homeless shelter,

except for the wedding cake.

That's now at my apartment.

Raspberry-glazed amaretto...

I couldn't just let it go,
so don't judge.

Thank you.

But now I need you to come back
to the office with me.

Teri, it is my wedding day,

so why in the world would I go
to the office?

Because my mother's best friend's cousin

really needs your help.

Okay, well,
I'm really sorry to hear about

your mother's best friend's cousin,

but I'm kind of going through
something right now.

Jane, sometimes, it's not all about you.

This is a matter of life and death.

Just take the meeting,

and if you don't want to help
him, I will leave you alone.

But first, go home and change.

Kim. Hey.

- Hi!
- Wow.

Did I take you from something?

Oh, nothing important.

Listen, I got your voicemail
and e-mail and text.

You want to tell me what's going on?

What I'm gonna say...

God, it's so embarrassing.

Wendy, you can tell me anything.

Hey, you've been my friend
since high school.

You're the only one who knows

that my prom date was my first cousin.

[ Laughing ]
Right.

He was kind of hot.

Yeah, I know.
I tried to make out with him.

[ Laughs ]

Honestly, whatever it is,
I'm here for you.

Okay.

Mnh-mnh.

It's this site that displays
naked photos of women,

e-mailed to the website
by angry ex-boyfriends.

So, posting the photos

are their form of revenge
for being dumped?

That's the idea.

- Ew.
- I know.

So, last year, I started dating
this guy, Alex Gray,

and a few months in,
he goes out of town,

asks me to take a few photos of myself

and text them to him
because he missed me.

Why do we do these things?

So, last month, we broke up,

and this morning,
I get a call from a co-worker,

telling me to check out the website.

And that's when I saw
my full-frontal photos.

Well, have you asked Alex
to take them down?

He's ignoring my calls.

Yeah?

Well, he won't be able to ignore me.

Your son is adorable.

Is this a custody dispute?

Uh, no, Ms. Bingum.

My wife passed away a few years ago.

- Oh.
- Michael is sick.

He was diagnosed with cutaneous
t-cell lymphoma last December.

I'm sorry.

Usually, it's treated
with chemotherapy drugs,

and they work
in about 50% of the patients,

but they didn't help Michael.

Now, fortunately,
Whiting Pharmaceuticals

developed a process called
photopheresis,

which radiates the white blood
cells with U.V. light.

And does that work?

Oh, it's like a miracle.

Uh, Michael was part of
their trial program,

and as long as he received
treatment once a week,

he was symptom-free.

But last month, Whiting
abruptly ended the trial...

no explanation.

And now my son is in the hospital,

and if he does not resume
treatment, he will die.

Mr. Jacobs, you probably don't
want to hear this, but...

Yeah, the pharmaceutical company

can terminate the trial
at any time for any reason.

Yes.

I've been to other lawyers.

No one will take my case.

Please... please help my son.

Teri, call judge Sanders,

ask her to meet me for martinis
at 42 degrees in an hour.

Jane Bingum,
a boy's life is in your hands,

and you're going for cocktails?

Teri, I need a judge to sign
an ex parte application

for a temporary
restraining order to block

Whiting Pharmaceuticals from
terminating the trial program,

and judge Sanders
never turns down a happy hour.

- I'm on it.
- Thank you.

- Jane.
- Luke.

Well, I have some bad news for you.

Yeah, I destroyed my wedding,
and my fiancé is missing.

I'm up to speed.

Jane pressed the return button.

What? What are you talking about?

Old Jane has been watching you
from up there,

and she hasn't been happy.

So, wait. Old Jane... the real
Jane... is... is down here?

That's not all.

What else could there possibly be?

There's a chance... her soul
went into Owen's body,

and that's why he disappeared.

So old Jane's soul went into Owen's body.

Are you kidding me?

Nothing's confirmed.

But Owen passed out...
maybe flatlined...

around the same time Jane
pressed the return button,

and now we can't seem to locate
her soul or his body.

Luke, how could this have happened?

She figured out what you did
and did the same thing.

It's like lightning hitting
the same place twice.

Oh, and just a heads-up...

she is pretty pissed off at you
for screwing up her life.

Wh... ha ha!

Okay. All right. Slow down.

See, because when I was put into
this body,

she was still wearing granny
panties and collecting cat art.

She bought drugstore makeup,

and... and a wild night out
was online scrabble.

Hey, I'm just the messenger, okay?

Now, my guess is

she'll probably go to places
most comfortable to her.

Okay, okay. All right.

Did you check her old condo?

It's now a Jiffy Lube.

Wait a minute.

If old Jane's soul is in Owen's body,

then that means that Owen...

is dead?

If her soul is in his body, then...

he's gone.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

How can this be happening?

I'm still trying to get confirmation.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Okay. Um...

[ Sniffles ]

Okay, I have to, um,
pull myself together

and go have drinks with judge Sanders.

Oh, but if you hear anything
from Owen...

I'll let you know.

Thanks.

I'm sympathetic, Jane. I really am.

But the supreme court has declared

there's no fundamental right
to healthcare.

Your client is out of luck.

No, no.

I'm not gonna argue fundamental rights.

[ Laughs ]
No, I'm gonna argue something else.

Okay. What?

[ Laughing ]
Well, judge, I mean, I don't want to...

I don't want to ruin the surprise.

I heard you stood up Owen at the altar.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Have you talked to him?
Have you seen him?

No.

Is it true he came
looking for you and passed out?

I don't really want to talk about that.

Um, I do, however,
want to save this boy's life,

so can you please help me?

I can't issue the order.

I don't think you'll prevail
on the merits.

Judge, please...

But I will grant an emergency hearing

for a preliminary injunction.

Thank you.

My courtroom, tomorrow, 10:00 A.M.

Come prepared with a real argument.

Yes, I will. Thank you so much.

Mmm!

Are you sure I can't interest you

in an anti-bloating kale smoothie?

I drank them to fit
into my bridesmaid's dress,

and now my stomach is flatter
than Gwyneth Paltrow's.

- I'm fine.
- Oh.

When do you think Jane will get home?

I tried calling her,
but she's not picking up.

Did Jane mention to you what happened...

with us?

What exactly are you referring to?

You know.

Or maybe you don't.

Why don't you tell me
what you think I know,

and I'll tell you if I know
what you think I do.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Grayson.
[ Clears throat ]

I'll be in my bedroom...
with my smoothie.

Hey, I'm sorry for my timing,

but everything I said
at the wedding is true.

Yeah. Um...

We both need to pretend that
what happened never happened.

I can't do that.

Grayson, if you really do care about me,

you'll just never mention it again.

I kissed you.

You kissed me back.

I know.

But when I look at you now,

all it does is make me
feel horrible for hurting Owen,

the man I was about to marry.

So you don't have feelings for me?

Whether or not I do, it just...
it just doesn't matter.

That's not an answer.

It's... it's all I can give you.

Jane, when I kissed you,

honestly, I haven't felt
that way since...

- Don't... don't say it.
- Jane, listen...

Please stop.

Do you know that Owen could be
dead because of me?

What?

Stacy said he checked himself
out of the hospital.

Oh, right.

Yes.

No, I didn't mean literally dead.

I meant... I meant he could be
dead on the inside.

Look, I'm clearly just not even
thinking straight.

Um... can you leave... please?

Stacy?

Stace, have you seen my black
skirt with the blue stitching?

Is this what you're looking for?

- Oh, God.
- Good morning.

I didn't mean to startle you.

No, I'm so glad that you're here.

First, let me start with the
most heartfelt apology, Owen.

I'm not Owen.

Oh, no.

That's right.

It's me... Jane... the real Jane.

And we have a lot to talk about, Deb.

Okay, look, I... I know
that you're angry with me

for what I did with your life,
but I did not choose this.

I am doing the best I can.

- Really?
- Really.

So, kissing Grayson
at your wedding to Owen...

that's the best you could do?

Well, that was a huge mistake.

You know what?

Let me just make you a cup
of coffee or maybe some tea.

And, um, I have bagels
and two kinds of cream cheese.

And you and I will just
get to know each other.

You're wearing my aunt Faye's
tennis bracelet.

Oh, yes.

No. Um, yes.

I... I'm sorry.

She passed away last year,

and... and she left it to me... you.

She left it to you, so I'm
just gonna give that to you.

I don't want the bracelet.

I want to destroy your life
the way that you destroyed mine.

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Blaring stops ]

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, sure.

I admit I posted Wendy's photos
to the website.

So what?

Do you have the ability to delete them?

I do.

But I won't.

Alex, I'm up for a promotion
in a few months.

These pictures could seriously...

Ms. Burke, you sent the photos
to my client.

He can do whatever he wants with them.

Delete the photos,
or we'll be filing a suit

for intentional infliction
of emotional distress.

You know what? I should sue her
for emotional distress.

After all, she dumped me,

and I was emotionally distressed
for days.

I broke up with you because
I wanted to be monogamous,

and you said you didn't believe
in monogamy

unless it was with multiple people.

Tell you what...
I'll delete them... for $5,000.

I'm not giving you a penny.

Ms. Kaswell, we know you won't prevail

on intentional infliction,

so we're calling your bluff.

Come on, Alex. We're done here.

All rise for
the honorable judge Sanders.

Jane.

Any Owen updates?

I've looked everywhere.

I even called his sister.
No one's seen him.

Thank you.

Everyone be seated, except Ms. Bingum.

You're up.

Your Honor, Whiting Pharmaceuticals

breached a contract with my client's son

by discontinuing their
photopheresis trial program.

The only just remedy is to force
them to resume treatment.

Objection.

Counselor misstates the facts.

There was no contract.

The treatment was free.

Whiting Pharmaceuticals
was obviously enriched

by Michael Jacobs' participation
in the trial program

or they wouldn't have offered it
for free.

And we terminated the trial
when it was no longer

in our best business interest
to continue it.

I have courtesy copies of a motion

to dismiss their action in its entirety.

Hey, excuse me.

There is no legal basis for this action.

I agree.

Unless you have something else.

Yes.

Yes, I... I do, Your Honor.

Um, I would like to call
Mr. Jacobs to the stand.

She's wasting the court's time,
Your Honor.

This man could lose his son.

The least we could do is hear him out.

Mr. Jacobs, come on up.

Please tell the court...

where did your son, Michael,
receive his weekly treatments?

Uh, St. Katherine's Hospital,

once a week, in their cancer unit.

And I realize the treatments were free,

but did you ever spend money
at the hospital?

For example,
I know when I go to the hospital

to visit a friend or a client,
I always go to the gift shop.

And I know, I know.

They charge a lot, but
we're paying for convenience,

and they have
the cutest stuffed animals.

Objection. Relevance.

Oh, it's relevant.

Overruled.

I'm curious where this is going.

Sure, I've spent money at the gift shop.

Uh, I also paid for parking.

I, uh, bought lunch in their cafeteria.

My client's expenditures
for parking, gifts, and food

would not have been made but
for the pharmaceutical trials.

Regardless, none of these
expenses enriched my client.

In this case,

the hospital serves as a proxy
for your client.

[ Laughs ]
That's ridiculous.

I agree.

Your Honor, an 8-year-old boy
will die if you don't step in.

Ms. Bingum,
please approach the bench now!

Are you okay?

I'm totally fine.

No, I'm just worried about my client.

You should be, too.

There's a rumor going around

that you've been searching for Owen.

Your assistant even called my
clerk, asking if we've seen him.

Oh.

Um... have you?

No.

I'm sorry, Jane.

I know you're going through
something, but your...

your half-baked legal arguments
won't work.

[ Whining
Your Honor, please.

Stop whining and take a deep breath.

I'm waiting.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Now exhale.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Now go back to your seat.

Go.

[ Clears throat ]

Ms. Bingum, you have 24 hours

to respond to the defendant's motion.

Should you fail to do so, I will
rule summarily on the pleadings.

[ Gavel bangs ]
Jane.

That was a disaster. I'm so sorry.

No time for a pity party.

Do you recognize that man over there?

Good hair, custom suit, nice package...

and by package, I mean briefcase.

Should I?

Walter Clark.

[ Gasps ]
One of the richest men in America,

entrepreneur of the year,
"Forbes Magazine," 2008.

He lives in New York
with his third wife, Bethany.

- Ooh.
- Exactly.

What's he doing at this trial?

Do me a favor and find out.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, sorry.

I see you're, uh,
buried in your work there.

What is this?

Oh, a swan, a frog,

and a, uh, crane
with a glandular condition?

It's a turkey.

[ Laughing ]
Oh.

Origami usually calms me down.

It's not working.

You want to talk about it?

- Not really.
- Okay.

You want to listen to me talk?

Do I have a choice?

Uh... I'm pregnant.

Whoa.

Congratulations.

This is a good thing, right?

At first, I wasn't sure, but, um...

yeah, it's a good thing.

Well, who else knows?

Well, I told Parker about it.

Let me guess... he's not happy
one of his partners

is going to be taking maternity leave.

[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

But, um, I think he is excited
he's going to be a father again.

Oh.

Well, I didn't know.

So, where is the father-to-be?

I haven't seen him all day.

Oh, well, his son is the lead
in his school play,

so he took off this morning

to spend a few days with him in Toronto.

Jay Parker stepping up.

Yes, he is.

So, what about you two?

Back together.

It feels right this time.

You're almost out of origami paper,

so you want to tell me
what's going on with you?

You're changing the subject.

And you're going after
the wrong defendant.

What are you talking about?

I had a client once,

a shy, conservative type,
worked at an accounting firm.

One day, she gets
an e-mail from her boss saying

Friday is pajama day
at the office... mandatory.

So on Friday, she wears her PJs,

only it was a practical joke.

The entire office had
a huge laugh at her expense.

Well, PJs are a little bit different

than your birthday suit.

Well, maybe so, but her boss
knew she'd be humiliated.

- So, what? You sued the boss?
- No.

We sued the accounting firm and won.

The firm knowingly provided the forum

which caused your client's humiliation.

Very nice. Thank you, Grayson.

Anytime.

Oh, congrats again... mom.

[ Chuckles ]

Jane.

Any news on Owen?

Sorry. Still nothing.

But I did find out

why Walter Clark is
so interested in your case.

Talk to me.

Whiting is being purchased
by Hambridge Drugs,

the company that owns
the chemotherapy protocol

that didn't work on Michael,

and Walter Clark is
the single largest shareholder

of Hambridge stock.

Go on.

That chemotherapy protocol

is a big business
with huge profit margins.

And if the photopheresis trials
are successful,

then that could become
the standard of care,

and the chemo protocol
would be worthless.

You bet.

So Hambridge is only buying
this company to halt the trials.

That's disgusting.

So what now?

Get me everything you can find
on Hambridge...

annual reports,

board-of-director minutes, articles,

whatever you can find.

[ Chuckles softly ]

Jane.

Oh, God.

I hear you've been looking for me.

Owen... before you say anything,

what's your favorite food?

What? Why?

Just answer, please.

Okay, okay.

Uh, pizza.

Ah! Wait. That doesn't prove anything.

Everybody loves pizza.

Um...

do you recognize this tennis bracelet?

What?

What's your mother's maiden name?

- Fife.
- I thought it was Addison.

No, that's her middle name.

Oh, right.

Oh, right!

Owen... um... please...

please just let me start with
the most heartfelt apology.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Um, I...
[ Knocking on door ]

You are the most amazing...

wonderful man that I have ever met.

[ Knocking continues ]
And I... I...

You should get that.

- I, uh... stay, please?
- Okay.

What could you possibly want
from me right now?

Okay, Owen never died.

Jane's soul was never inside of him.

Yeah, I just figured that out.
So, where is old Jane?

That's the thing.

We don't really know.

You, uh, may want to carry pepper spray.

Oh, my God. I got to go.

- Jane.
- What?!

Uh... actually, I'm not here about you.

I'm here about me.

Yeah, of course.

I'm being called back.

Called back?

I was supposed to keep
you and Grayson apart.

Epic failure.

So, uh, you know... let's not
get all sentimental about it.

I just... I wanted to say... goodbye.

And, uh...

I'm... I'm sorry
I wasn't a better angel.

A... are you crying?

I got something in my eye.

For the record, you were a fine angel.

You know, I can... I can be a handful.

Mm-hmm. Big time.

I might even miss you a little bit.

Jane, is everything okay?

Yes. I'm so sorry. Just one more second?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Owen...

I don't know where to begin.

When someone commits themselves 100%

to a particular arrangement,

and then they're devastated by
the behavior of the other party,

there has to be consequences.

What consequences?

I'm just saying that when
a party gives up opportunities

based on that agreement,

the other party can't just
walk away scot-free.

No, no, no. I don't want to walk away.

I want to marry you, and... and
I will earn your forgiveness.

No, I'm not talking about us.

Uh, okay, what?

I looked at your case.

Oh.

When Kevin Jacobs agreed to put his son

in the photopheresis trials, he
gave up other treatment options.

Oh, my God, you're right.

You're right.

You think I should argue
detrimental reliance.

- Hmm.
- Oh, you are brilliant.

That's why I made judge at 29.

[ Chuckles ]

Um...

Now, in regards to us...

Owen, I will do anything.

Jane, I loved you so damn much,
Jane, so much, but now...

No. "But now" what?

I'm angry.

I'm... I've never been
this angry in my entire life.

And... and... and... and you know what?

No, I can't... I can't have
this conversation right now.

No, no, no, no. Owen, please talk to me.

I don't want to say anything
that I'm gonna regret.

[ Sniffles ]

My name is Levi Marx.

Would you agree that
your website provides a forum

through which your users
invade women's privacy

and cause severe humiliation?

Objection.

Counselor is testifying.

Sustained.

Get off your soapbox, Ms. Kaswell.

Yes or no? Are women humiliated
on your website?

My site provides an outlet for anger

that may prevent physical violence.

Now, instead of abusing

or potentially beating up
an ex-girlfriend,

my members send in their photos,
and they call it a day.

- Are you kidding me?
- Your Honor?

His defense is that
he's doing a public service

by posting photos of naked women?

I don't need a defense.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Okay.

Why not just take down
my client's photos

and "call it a day"?

It would set a bad precedent to
delete user-generated content.

One last question...

did my client consent to having
her photos posted?

All the photos on my site
are of adult women

who have consented
in having their photos taken.

Now, beyond that, I wouldn't know.

Does your website produce pornography?

Nope.

We simply provide a forum where
users can upload their photos.

The first amendment protects
my client's right

to post these photos,
as long as the women are of age.

Given that the plaintiff has
not put forth any legal issues,

we move to dismiss.

Your Honor...

Yes, Ms. Kaswell? I'm listening.

May I... request more time?

As much as I detest this website,

more time won't change the facts here.

I'm dismissing your case.

[ Gavel bangs ]

I'm so sorry, Wendy.

I'll try and get a loan from my mom.

If I have to pay him $5,000, I will.

Ugh. But that's just so wrong. I mean...

[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Hi. Maggie Quinn with "The Valley Post."

I'm doing a story
on the revenge photo case.

I'd like to ask you both
a few questions.

You just took my picture.

That's right. This is news.

Yes. Yes, it is.

And... and it's your right

to either publish
or not publish our photo.

What's going on, Kim?

Go ahead and call my office
to set up an interview.

Thank you. I will.

Wendy, don't call your mom
for that $5,000 just yet.

I just got your brief, Ms. Bingum.

You'll be arguing detrimental reliance?

That's correct.

Jane.

Michael just took a turn for the worse.

Kevin's with him in the I.C.U.

- The brief has merit.
- Yes, it does.

My client gave up
other opportunities to get well.

In April, Michael could have received

a bone-marrow transplant,

but because of the photopheresis
trial, he missed that chance.

Bone marrow transplants are risky,

and their success is iffy, at best.

Regardless, my client had
no way of foreseeing

that Mr. Clark... uh, yeah,
that man right there...

would acquire a stake in Whiting

and then discontinue
the photopheresis trial

in order to protect Hambridge's
lucrative chemotherapy protocol.

Whoa!

Now, even if that were true,
it's irrelevant.

May we remind the court

Mr. Jacobs asked us to include
his son in the trials?

He relied on your promise

that you would try
and make his son well.

I agree with Ms. Bingum.

There is detrimental reliance here.

Thank you.

But under the doctrine
of detrimental reliance,

plaintiff can only recover
financial damages.

That's true.

Oh, come on. Your Honor...

He's right.

Even if I theoretically rule
in the plaintiff's favor,

I still can't compel the
defendant to treat your client.

No. Please...

The court grants the defendant's motion.

We're done here.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Jane. Jane!

I'm really, really sorry, Teri.

There's got to be
something else we can do.

No, that little boy is gonna
die because of one man's greed.

Uh, excuse me.

- You're Jane Bingum?
- Yeah.

May I have a moment of your time?

I... guess.

I'll see you back at the office.

Okay.

How can I help you?

Uh, actually, I'm here to help you.

I'm Paul, your new guardian angel.

So Jane, you and me, we're gonna be a team.

Like Bert and Ernie
or Lady And The Tramp

or peanut butter and jelly.

- Oh, that's sweet. Paul?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, um, listen, I don't need
another guardian angel,

'cause I'm kind of over the whole thing.

Right. I hear you.

And trust me... you know,

I only got this job
'cause no one else wanted it.

Apparently, you're a tricky
bit of business to manage.

That's because
I don't like to be managed.

Right. You're headstrong,
and you tend not to listen.

But the truth is... I don't really care.

I'm sorry.
[ Laughs ]

Did you just say that
you don't really care?

Yeah. Well, my trip here on earth...

you know, I mean, it's a vacation.

And look at me. You know?

I mean, humans are gonna be
putty in my fingers.

Okay, the expression
is putty in your hands.

Yeah, they will be. Check this out.

You want to touch it?

Mnh-mnh.

Yeah, humans... you know,
they're so superficial.

Up there, we just see muscles

as tissue composed of fibers
capable of contracting,

but down here?

Pure sex appeal.

And look at these lumps.

- Oh, my God.
- Nice, huh?

They're really nice. Bring it down.

Bring it down. What's wrong with you?

[ Laughs ]
Oh, come on.

When you were in Deb's body,

all you cared about was your appearance.

- Well...
- You know, you spent hours

in front of the mirror
just curling and uncurling

- your eyelashes.
- Uncurling.

Now that you're in Jane's body,

maybe your priorities have changed,

but you're no better or worse.

Oh, wow. You're really annoying me.

Hey, right now, my priority is...

Damn it. What's my priority again?

I'm guessing your priority
is to find old Jane.

Yes. That's right. Thank you. Thank you.

We know her soul is in a body
somewhere here in Los Angeles.

We just can't find her.

And I need your help.

Paul, dear...

Hey, I like when you call me dear.

You know, it makes me, uh,

feel like you care about
my well-being. Do you?

Not at all.

Dear, I am going to visit
my sick client in the hospital,

and you're in my way.

Oh, well...
[ Laughs ]

Yeah, just remember that.

Your Honor, as you know, Ms. Kaswell

failed to get Revengephoto
to take down the photos.

And this Hail Mary against my client

is an abuse of the legal system.

Intentional infliction
of emotional distress,

really, is a loser.

I agree, which is why
I've amended our complaint

to include copyright infringement.

We'd like to call Alex Gray
to the stand.

And if Your Honor doesn't think
we have a case

once I've finished
with the witness, we'll drop it.

All right, Mr. Gray, you're up.

Did my client give you
permission to publish

her photos?

What do you mean, "publish"?

To distribute to the public,

which is what happened when they
were displayed on the website.

I didn't need permission.

She gave me the photos.

I could do whatever I wanted with them

because they were mine.

Not according to the law, they aren't.

See, if you took the photos,
that would be true,

like when a reporter takes my photo.

She owns it. She can publish it.

But Wendy took the photos of herself,

and then you published them
without her permission,

which constitutes
copyright infringement.

Objection. Your Honor,
counselor is testifying.

Maybe so, but I hope
you're paying attention.

She makes a valid point.

I'm sorry if I was too preachy.

I'll, uh, go sit down.

Mr. Cummings.

I'd like to request a short recess.

Five minutes.

And if your first sentence back

isn't "we've taken down
the offending photos,"

I'll assume you don't understand
copyright law,

and I'll order you to attend

40 hours of continuing legal education.

Got it?

Got it.

[ Monitors beeping ]

Mr. Jacobs?

How is he?

Uh, doctors say he's got 48 hours

if we don't get him the treatment.
[ Sniffles ]

We lost in court.

[ Voice breaking ]
No.

I am so sorry.

I... I don't understand
how this can happen.

A man named Walter Clark

doesn't want photopheresis
to become the standard of care

because then he could lose money.

Uh... where is Walter now?

I want to talk to him.

It won't make a difference.

The man is a killer.

My son is gonna die.

Hold on, hold on.

You just gave me an idea.

I did?

Now, it's... it's a long shot, but...

Um, um, I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?

Well, yeah. Okay.

[ Ringing ]

Teri, I need you to connect me
to the D.A.'s office.

Tell them it's an emergency.

Oh, I also need the hotel
where Walter Clark is staying.

Your Honor, my client has taken
down the offending photos.

Good. So I assume we're done here.

Not quite. We're seeking damages.

What?

My client was not enriched
by the photos.

There are no damages.

With all due respect, that's bullcrap.

Your client demanded $5,000
to take down the photos.

Whether he meant to do it or not,

he placed an implied value
on the photos.

That $5,000 was
at a settlement conference

and, under the evidentiary code,
cannot be admitted into court.

That conference was concerning the claim

of intentional infliction
of emotional distress,

not copyright infringement,
so it is admissible.

Mr. Cummings,

did your client offer to take
down the photos for $5,000?

Yes, he did, Your Honor.

Well, then... I'm awarding
the plaintiff $5,000.

And now we're done.

[ Gavel bangs ]

- Thank you. [ Laughs ]
- Congratulations.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh.

Oh, M... Mr. Clark, may I have
a moment of your time?

I'm sure you recognize me from court.

Of course, Ms. Bingum.

But I'm, uh... I'm late for the airport.

Oh, no, this won't take long.

- This is an arrest warrant.
- That's right.

It's dated three days from now.

I had a friend at
the D.A.'s office prepare it.

Second-degree-murder charges against you

for the murder of Michael Jacobs.

According to his doctors,
he'll be dead by then.

This a joke?

Penal Code 210.2...

depraved-heart murder, callous
disregard for human life.

When you acquired Hambridge stock,

your first order of business

was to convince that board
to make a bid for Whiting

so that you could terminate
the photopheresis trials.

It was a smart business decision.

Look, you come after me,

you're gonna have to get
the D.A. to file charges

against the entire board.

Oh, see, the D.A.
doesn't see it that way,

as it was your recommendation

that callously disregarded
the life of my client's son.

You see, Mr. Clark, the standard
here is gross recklessness,

and the D.A. believes that

the jury will find your behavior
to be really, really gross.

Anyway, have a good ride to the airport.

I'm sure we'll see you back here
in L.A. real soon.

[ Car door closes, engine revs ]

20 minutes after I left Walter Clark,

the hospital received a call
from Hambridge's attorney

to restart Michael's treatment.

You saved the boy's life.

I guess I did.
[ Laughs ]

I mean, you'd think I would feel
on top of the world, but...

But you feel like crap
for breaking Owen's heart,

and you're not sure
how you're gonna move on?

Yeah, because I love him,
and he hates me.

You have to give him time.

Imagine if the roles were reversed,

and you walked in
on him kissing someone.

[ Sighs ]

My God. I'm a horrible person.

Jane, there's no excuse
for what you did.

Thank you.

But you're not a horrible person.

If Owen understood the circumstances,

I'm sure he would be
a lot more sympathetic,

or at least understanding.

It's just gonna take time,
and he will forgive you one day.

I hope you're right.
[ Chuckles softly ]

Now, tell me about Grayson.

Yeah, that was amazing.

And it was also a huge mistake.

You know, I had
a life ahead of me with Owen,

and it was a life I was excited about.

When Owen and I got engaged,

I really thought I put away
my feelings for Grayson.

You can't just put feelings away.

It doesn't work like that.

Yeah, 'cause when he kissed me,
everything came rushing back.

[ Knock on door ]

- Are you expecting somebody?
- No.

I'm actually heading out.

[ Crickets chirping ]

Stacy, this is Paul,
and he's from up... north.

Ooh! Up north.
I've always wanted to go there.

Trust me... one day, you will.

[ Laughs ]
Got to go.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Good to meet you.
- You, too.

May I come in?

- Do I have a choice?
- Thanks.

Huh.

So, any luck finding old Jane?

Uh, not yet.

Then why are you here?

Well, I'm supposed to be
keeping an eye on you, so...

Okay. You've eyed me.

I'm tired. I've had a long day.

You can go.

Well, great. Thanks.

Yeah, I got a fashion shoot
I have to get ready for, so...

Wait, wait, wait.
You have a fashion shoot?

Yeah. Crazy, right?

See, I was at the mall,
looking for old Jane,

and, uh, I got approached
by this photographer.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

David McAllister wants to
take your picture?

Yeah, for "L.A. Magazine."
You know, I'm totally psyched.

Okay, it was my dream

to be photographed by David McAllister.

Oh, well, cool.
Well, he must be great, then.

Y... yeah.

Look, I got to go pump up
before the shoot.

It's at the beach.

But afterward, we're having
drinks with the fashion editor.

I have a question.

I really like apple martinis.

Do you think I should order
something more manly?

Don't you think that you
should be looking for old Jane?

Oh, she'll turn up.

You worry a lot, don't you?

Well, wish me luck.

Uh, one more question.

Which look do you like better?
One or two?

This is one.

Two.

Oh, my God. Will you please go?

You're the boss.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Knock on door ]

What now, Paul?

Oh, hi.

I thought you were someone else.

Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

It's me... the real Jane.

And I want my life back.