Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Wedding - full transcript

See that aspiring model
there? That was me... Deb.

Until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to Heaven,

but there was a bit of a mix-up

and I woke up in someone else's body.
[ Screams ]

So now I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe,

and the only people who really
know what's going on with me

are my girlfriend Stacy
and my guardian angel, Fred.

I used to think everything
happened for a reason...



Whoo! [ Laughs ]

...and, well, I sure hope I was right.

♪ La, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

Drop Dead Diva 3x04 - The Wedding
Original air date July 17, 2011

♪ It really doesn't help
to be complicated ♪

♪ Simple things are... ♪

Wow. They really are beautiful.

I can't believe you're picking
up Grayson's wedding rings.

You're taking this best-man
thing to an extreme.

Well, I'm trying to be Zen.

I'm totally at peace with this.

That is, like, Dalai Lama-level
at peace with it.

Are you sure you're okay?

I'm fine.



At peace.

Congratulations.

She did not just say "congratulations."

I'm at peace with it, damn it!

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

But after Grayson's accident
and coma and recovery,

this wedding must be
what the universe wants.

Well, I believe the universe
is a perpetual mystery,

which is what Rihanna said

when asked why she mixed
Marc Jacobs with Classic Chanel.

That outfit was stunning, by the way.

So, sweetie, did I tell you

that Grayson asked me
to read a poem at the wedding?

You're... okay with that, right?

[ Scoffs ]

Give me the bag!

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

So, you're not okay with that.

Okay, I have $20 in my wallet.

Oh... God. But I went to the
dry-cleaners, so I only have 3 bucks.

But... oh! Oh! Ohh!

I have these awesome earrings that are...

actually total fakes.

I bought them on HSN. And this watch...

again, total knockoff,
from Venice boardwalk.

But here... just please take them all.

No... thanks.

"No, thanks"?

Drop your weapon!

Jane, what's going on?

On your knees now!

Ma'am, are you okay?

Um, yeah. I'm just, uh,
a little shook up, but I'm fine.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Oh. That's mine.

Sorry... it's evidence.

[ Sighs ]

Stacy, are you still there?

Did you just get robbed?

Are you okay?

Yes... and yes.

They're beautiful. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Your Uncle Joe is gonna love my aunt Judy.

I'm telling you, my sister
hates the way he snort-laughs,

and now he's next to the family table.

So how about we move them both to Siberia?

I love you.

[ Clears throat loudly ]

Hello, handsome bride and blushing groom.

I'm still waiting on when
you'll be using my wedding gift.

- What gift?
- Grayson?

Uh, Teri has generously offered
to give us a dance lesson.

Not just a dance lesson.

I have offered to choreograph
an opening extravaganza

that your guests will discuss for years.

How amazing. Thank you, Teri.

I'll book studio time for tomorrow.

And I'd rather be closer to the bar.

[ Chuckles ]

I know that you're not into it,

but the first dance is important to me.

Well, say no more.

If it's important to you,
it's important to me.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Vanessa. Can't wait for the big day.

Thanks, Jay.

Grayson, I know your brain is busy

with seating charts and ring pillows. Wow.

But I assume you came to the
office because you work here?

[ Chuckles lightly ]

Oh, Vanessa, no need to seat me
with the wedding party.

That's right, because Kim's solo.

Oh, is Kim at that table?

Here's the deal...

my best friend in junior high
was Cole Lamburt Jr.

Cole Lamburt Sr. just left
a message with my office.

Animal control seized his pet.

And... you want me to... go fetch it?

I want you to help out
an old friend's father.

In his voicemail,
he said, "they've taken Missy."

Sounded upset.

Missy?

[ Grunts ]

Bastards kidnapped her right out
of my own backyard corral.

They left me this citation.

Bastards!

Let's try and tone down the hostility.

Sure... bend over for the man.

Typical yupster.

Where is Parker?

Busy, but I can handle this.

Why did they take Missy?

No idea.

She's been like a member
of the family for years.

I'm a retired professor.

I imported her for educational purposes

and renewed her permit every year on time.

[ Grunts ]

Excuse me, sir.

I already told him... I can't help.

Fascist!

Even if I could, I don't want to.

Cole.

I'm Grayson Kent, Mr. Lamburt's attorney.

There must have been a mix-up. We have...

Take it up with the city.

Look, sir, I'm getting married
day after tomorrow.

Can you just please help me out?

Sorry, man. Can't help you.

The permit clearly states...

Once they're in the cage,

you got to go to Municipal Courtroom 15.

- But...
- I got kittens to feed.

Have a nice day.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Oh, I'm fine.

There he is.

Oh, I hope he gets a thousand years.

Can I hiss when they call his name?

No.

Grayson's wedding rings are in evidence,

so I'm gonna throw myself at the mercy
of the court and try and get them back.

Docket 4723-G...
robbery in the first degree.

Uh, where's your
public defender, Mr. Geary?

I don't know, your honor.

Oh, Ms. Bingum.

Yes, your honor?

The public defender isn't here,

and I've got a dental
appointment in an hour.

Can you step in, please?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Maybe your honor isn't aware...

I am both the emotionally shattered victim

and the key witness
to the defendant's criminal act,

so you see...

I see. I just don't care.

For the purposes of this hearing only,

would you please step in
and offer his plea?

Of course. Anything
to speed the wheels of justice.

[ Chuckles ]

And get those rings back.

You are a very bad man.

I know, and I'm really, really sorry.

Um, okay.

The public defender would
advise you to plead not guilty.

If I were not the person that you robbed,

that's what I would suggest.

I want to plead guilty.

What? No...

Speaking as an officer of the court,

I strongly advise you to plead not guilty.

But I am. Guilty!

No... j... just a second.

This is my decision, right?

Counselor!

Against the advice of counsel,
defendant pleads guilty.

The plea is accepted.

Sentencing to take place Tuesday at noon.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Uh, your honor, I know it's not customary

to release evidence prior to sentencing,

but in addition to being
lawyer and witness and victim,

I'm also the best man at a
wedding the day after tomorrow.

My client stole the wedding rings from me.

I need them back.

And I need a week in the islands
with my pool boy.

But you know how it works, Ms. Bingum...

you'll get them back after sentencing.

What's the matter with you?

You call yourself a lawyer?

No.

Oh. Yes, I am a lawyer.

And who are you?

I'm Keith's wife.

How could you let him plead guilty?

Uh...

It's his third strike...

25 years minimum, no parole.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay, Keith.

[ Sighs ]

This is all your fault.

Someone join a book club?

Mnh-mnh.

Grayson asked me to read
a love poem during the ceremony.

This is my research.

So many options...

Shakespeare, Bronte, Weisberger.

Weisberger?

Lauren Weisberger...
"The Devil Wears Prada"?

Oh, she is like
the modern-day Maya Angelou.

Isn't Maya Angelou
the modern-day Maya Angelou?

- Good morning.
- How'd you sleep?

I didn't.

That robbery must have been terrifying.

I suggest a long weekend of BFD.

"Boyfriend doctor."

[ Giggles ]
It's what I'm calling Bill now.

That's catchy.

And that would be great,

but I just can't stop
thinking about this robbery.

Post-traumatic stress. I've seen it on TV.

Lie down on the couch.

No, I'm not traumatized. I'm confused.

Keith robbed me in broad daylight

in the middle of Beverly Hills.

"Keith"? You're on a first-name
basis with your robber?

Is he, like, your Facebook friend?

Robbery is definitely
a good reason to de-friend.

After Keith took the rings,
he practically stood there

and waited for the cops to show up.

He pleaded guilty against my advice.

I went to talk to him after the arraignment.
He refused to see me.

You're still his lawyer?

Till another attorney is assigned.

So as his attorney,
I'm going down to lockup

to find out what's really going on.

My client's permits are up to date.

There's no reason

why the camel should not
be returned posthaste.

Animal control simply had no right to...

Sorry to interrupt.

Assistant U.S. Attorney
Jonas Blaine for the government.

We have a federal warrant here
for the arrest of Mr. Lamburt.

Excuse me? Arrest him for what?

Criminal sale of a controlled substance?

What substance?

Raw camel's milk... illegal to sell

under section 458-B
of the Pure Food and Drug Act.

You're coming with us.

Do something, yupster!

Don't say anything to anybody.
I'll take care of it.

Get me Parker! I want Parker!

I've apologized to you.
I've thanked you for your help.

Can't you just leave me alone, please?

That's not really my nature.

[ Sighs ]

Now, I have reviewed your case file,

and something's... off.

Your two prior strikes are...
are barely strikes at all.

Writing bad checks for $175 and $450?

What's going on?

The bad checks were for medicine.

My mother was sick.
She couldn't afford insurance.

She died while I was in prison
two years ago.

I'm sorry.

I'm not leaving here
until I get the real story.

And I will get it.

Because deep down, you want to tell me.

How do you figure that?

I don't know.

I once saw a lawyer say that in a movie,

and it totally worked.

I'm sick.

A couple months ago, I was doing time.

My appendix burst.

I had an operation in the prison hospital,

and a week later, my eyes turned yellow.

Jaundice... the first symptom of hepatitis.

Yeah. The prison doctors put me
on this interferon therapy,

which, uh, kept it in check,

but since I got out, I can't afford it.

I mean, therapy's like 3 grand a month.

What about insurance?

No, hep-B is considered
a pre-existing condition.

And I will not become a burden on my wife.

I know how difficult
a chronic illness can be

on someone you love.

So you figured the best solution
was to commit a crime,

get sent back to prison, and go
back on interferon therapy.

It sounds crazy,

but I'm a dead man if I don't go back.

To the same prison that gave you hepatitis?

Ironic, huh?

Yeah.

And it's not right.

Yeah, but what can I do about it?

Well, I'm the lawyer, so it's
my job to figure that out.

Really?

I rob you, and you want to help me?

Ironic, huh?

Hey, Gene Kelly, dance lesson today.

My piece-of-cake case just got
upgraded to federal court.

Can't get away to dance.

Have you seen Parker?

On his way back from a mani-pedi
for your wedding.

You know how he gets about his cuticles.

We don't have to go to a studio.
We could do it here.

In the office? I don't think so.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Vanessa.

Hey.

What?

Oh, funny... I was
just discussing that with Teri.

I know. I'm busy, too.

Teri wants to do the lesson here,

but I told her that you'd...

love it?

Of course.

Can't wait.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ] Is Jane in her office?

Go on in, twinkle toes.

Hey. How you doing?

You heard about the rings?

I heard you got robbed.

I am so sorry. I will
get them back as soon...

Stop. Stop. You're okay.
That's all that matters.

I just got messages from both of you.

Who wants to go first?

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I am suing the Antelope Valley Prison,

which is privately owned and run
by Veticon Incorporated.

Taking on a Fortune 500. I like it.

Cause of action?

They showed negligent indifference

toward a prisoner who contracted hepatitis.

Helling vs. Mckinney provides for liability

under the 8th Amendment.

Good job.

You're up. How'd you do at the pound?

His pet is a camel.

The government not only seized Missy,

but arrested Cole for selling
camel milk across state lines.

Whoa. Our client is a rogue camel milker?

And D.O.J. posted Missy
on an exotic-animal database

for immediate adoption
by a zoo or a wild-animal park.

Well, looks like it's time
to bring in the big gun.

Me.

- Where's Cole now?
- In lockup.

I'll go see him.

I want you to petition the court
for an expedited hearing.

You realize I'm getting married tomorrow?

Then you better hurry up.

Excuse me.

- You got a second?
- Sure.

You've been back a week,
and not a single client.

Hey, it takes time to make rain.

Until then, you can be
Jane's second chair.

Parker, I...

Look, Kim, if you're gonna yell at me

for assigning you
to be Jane's second chair...

Thank you.

Okay.

For what?

I was worried that
it might be awkward around here

after we broke up,

but by assigning me to work with Jane,

my least-favorite attorney at the firm...

or on Earth...

you're my pain-in-the-ass boss again.

So, if your pain-in-the-ass boss

ordered you to have lunch with him?

I'd say, "I'm busy working with Jane."

Right.

Hey. They had your favorite salad.

Oh, Freddy, I'm so upset.

Oh! Ah, damn it! Mushrooms. I'm sorry.

Here... you can have my club sandwich.

No... not lunch.

Grayson called. I don't
get to choose the poem.

He wants me to read Vanessa's favorite...

Oscar Wilde's "We are made one
with what we touch and see."

- Sounds lovely.
- It's cursed.

Cursed?

I've read it at two different weddings.

Both marriages have lasted
less than a year.

I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

No, but I do not want
to be the one responsible

for Grayson and Vanessa splitting up.

You think I sound crazy.

Crazy... beautiful.

Thank you.

But I believe that there are
mysterious forces

at play in the Universe that
affect things here on Earth.

What... kind of things?

The winds, the tides...

the MTV Movie Awards.

Um...

Well, if you feel that strongly,

you should talk to Vanessa...
explain the Universe.

But remember... she's a lawyer,

so you have to use lawyerly logic

to present your case against the poem.

So I need to convince a bride
on the day before her wedding

not to use her favorite poem

on the most important day of her life.

You have an excellent grasp
of the situation.

Yeah.

Your lawsuit is ridiculous.

We supported the deputy
parole commissioner's decision

to release Keith early because he's sick.

Now you're suing my client
for his medical care?

We have copies of Mr. Geary's blood work

prior to his entering
Veticon's prison facility.

He was hep-negative.

Two years into his sentence,
he turned hep-positive.

Res ipsa loquitur.

Your prison infirmary gave him the disease.

How do you intend to prove that?

Seven days after his appendectomy,

he became jaundiced.

Jaundice is a common symptom

that occurs within a month
of exposure to the virus.

There are numerous ways

an inmate can contract that disease.

Hep-B is contracted through blood.

Our client didn't have sex, get a tattoo,

participate in any knife fights.

You made me sick.

The prison hospital is accredited,
clean, and efficient.

I've filed a motion
to subpoena all patient files

from the prison's hospital
from the past five years

to determine a pattern
of deliberate indifference.

Ms. Bingum,
my corporation owns 17 prisons,

and we provide security services
around the globe.

With the amount of oversight
in our business,

we would not be where we are today

if we didn't play by the rules.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Uh, we're not finished here.

I am.

I have a stockholders
presentation to prepare.

We're giving you
a chance to be reasonable

and settle with our client.

If not, we'll find the smoking gun,

and we'll blow this into
a class action if we have to.

- Do shareholders like that?
- Hmnh-mnh.

No, shareholders don't like that.

Are you threatening me?

If that's how you see it.

I'll have the hospital records
delivered to your office.

We don't have anything to hide.

All I see is two lawyers without a case.

Does Parker know
you took apart his office?

Yeah. I told him it was Kim's idea.

Plus, he's out for the rest of the day.

Grayson, this is my dance
partner, Louis van Amstel.

Nice to meet you, Grayson.

We thought that you and Vanessa
could just mirror our moves.

Where is she?

Uh, stuck in a final wedding-dress fitting.

So I was thinking we'll just...

Do a private dance lesson with you.

Come on. Man up, Grayson.

I won't bite unless you ask me to.

Okay.

And 1 and 2. [ Shaun Barrowes'
"Hop, Skip And A Jump" plays ]

And 1 and 2.

And 1 and 2.

Okay, don't look at my feet.
Look at my face.

[ Chuckling ]
Well, you're moving too fast.

Well, that's the tempo.

Okay, just 1 and 2 and 1 and 2...

All right, I need a break!

Okay. [ Music stops ]

Why don't you just watch me and Louis?

Louis, front and center.

Grayson, music.

[ Music resumes ]

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ I've been missing you ♪

♪ I've been calling on the phone
and wondering if you're home ♪

♪ So I'm gonna get there fast,
hop, skip, and a jump ♪

And I'm organizing an inmate sit-in

if conditions don't improve.

All right, don't cause trouble.

I don't cause trouble.
I act against injustice.

Or don't you remember?

How could I forget?
Toughest dad on the block.

So, according to the charges,

you've been bottling camel milk
and selling it on the Internet.

Camel milk is chock-full
of vitamins and fatty acids

that help cancer patients,
autistic children, diabetics.

Then why hasn't the USDA legalized it?

They're not gonna legalize camel milk

until it's been properly tested.

But there is no test.

Which is the roadblock.

Oh, you're catching on.

There is, of course, the Dubai connection.

- Dubai?
- Mm-hmm.

Our government allows the importation

of camel-milk products from Dubai.

There's this milk-chocolate bar
that's made with camel's milk...

12 bucks apiece.

They can't keep them on the shelves.

So if camel milk isn't okay,

they why should our government
allow the importation

of camel-milk products
from other countries?

Mr. Lamburt.

Yupster.

I got bad news.

There's a zoo in Minneapolis
adopting Missy.

She's scheduled to leave LA
tomorrow night.

No. No, Missy is a California girl.

She'll never survive a Minnesota winter.

Uh, what about your petition?

The court consolidated the charges.

We're up first thing tomorrow.

- There you go. Thank you.
- Thanks.

Oh. Vanessa.

Oh. Stacy. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I am so looking forward to the big day.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, what are you doing here?

It's about that poem I'm reading.

Oscar Wilde.

Mm.

Takes my breath away.

Which... might be a problem.

I don't follow.

Oh, you will, because I'm about
to be extremely logical.

Okay, here it goes.

Oscar's bad mojo.

Bad mojo?

"We shall be notes in that great symphony"

"Whose cadence circles
through the rhythmic spheres,"

"And all the live world's throbbing heart"

"Shall be one with our heart."

Wow, right?

- Right.
- Wrong.

- Wrong?
- We all know why people cry at weddings.

Yeah, because they're so happy.

No, they're miserable

because they haven't found
their one perfect soul mate.

I see.

With that poem, you rub their faces

in their wretched, lonely lives.

I never... thought of it like that.

You're welcome.

But I still love that poem.

And we're gonna have an open bar
at the reception,

so the wretched and lonely
will be just fine.

Thank you for your concern, though.

Ohhh, anytime.

[ Sighs ]

How's it going?

Well, I've got four paper cuts
and no smoking gun.

You?

Working to liberate a misunderstood camel

and her owner.

And getting married in less than 24 hours.

Yes.

Are you nervous?

Well, not about the wedding,

but the first dance...
that's a different story.

Well, you'll be great.

Just count the beats out loud
if you need to.

What?

Deb used to count for me.

She'd use this silly Russian accent.

I'd relax, and...

And suddenly, you could move to the beat.

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Russian accent ] Zen maybe I can help.

[ Chuckling ] You're not serious.

So what do you say?

[ Giggles ]

[ Normal voice ] You ready?

No.

You can do this.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Russian accent ] 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

Ohh! Yes, you are a strong man.

Like bull.

[ Both laugh ]

Now all we need is some music.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Humming waltz ]

- I'm dancing.
[ Chuckling ] - Uh-huh.

[ Humming waltz ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] Oh. Um...

just in time.

He is all yours.

[ Chuckles ] Hey.

[ Chuckles ]

All right, watch this.

All right.

You ready?

Yeah.

[ Russian accent ] 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

[ Normal voice ] Thank you.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Russian accent ] 1, 2, 3...

Hey, somebody call for a BFD?

[ Chuckling ] Ohh.

You've been talking to Stacy.

Guilty, but I also got your text message.

You said it was an emergency.

Some of us still make
house calls, you know.

I did not say "emergency."

All right, well, maybe I was just
looking for an excuse to see you.

But if my receptionist calls,
I'm performing your craniotomy.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Oh.

I... got you something.

- A gift?
- Yeah.

At the... the wedding,
I am going to be wearing

midnight navy with a kiss of moonlight.

And I thought it might be nice
to coordinate.

Well, I'm not sure what that means,

but, uh, I like the word "kiss."

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

Sure.

Why are you looking at patient files?

These are from the prison hospital

that infected my client with hepatitis B.

- Yikes. What are we looking for?
- "We"?

Yeah, I always thought
it'd be fun to play lawyer.

Oh, really?
'Cause I'd rather play doctor.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. So... no, I have to work.

Must work. [ Chuckles ]

Um... I have to prove

that the hospital is responsible
for the hepatitis.

So I was looking
for a cluster of infections,

but no such luck.

And what's up with the two piles?

"Terminal" refers to
terminally ill patients

that are still in prison,

and "C.E.R." is
"compassionate early release."

It's a program

where sick prisoners are paroled early.

Brain cancer, emphysema with ventilator.

Brutal.

Yeah, these will probably die in jail.

Advanced diabetes,
stage-3 bladder cancer.

Huh.

I know that "Huh." I've said that "Huh."

What are you thinking?

These patients that remain in prison...

they have terminal diseases,

but there isn't anything medically

that can be done to help them.

The men in this pile
have expensive diseases

that would require extensive treatment.

Oh, my God.

The prison is using

this "compassionate early release" program

to get rid of its expensive patients

in order to save money.

It's a theory.

BFD, you just found my smoking gun.

Your honor, Mr. Lamburt
should have never been arrested.

He sold a fresh, natural drink

to customers who sought out the beverage.

Or, to put it another way,

Mr. Lamburt violated section 458-B

of the Pure Food and Drug Act.

He was acting
on behalf of the greater good.

This law was created
to protect the public

from the distribution of dangerous foods.

My apologies for
the interruption, your Honor,

but I happen to have 8 ounces
of fresh, raw camel milk

and a sworn affidavit
by the animal control officer

who witnessed missy being milked
90 minutes ago.

Are you submitting the camel-milk sample

- as evidence?
- No, your honor.

But if it posed a true danger
to the American people,

then why would my brilliant associate

on the partner fast track

be so willing to drink this glass

just hours before he's scheduled
to walk down the aisle

to be married?

Um... objection.

Sustained.

That stunt is beneath
the dignity of this courtroom.

Not to mention it's absurd.

Which is our point.

We're meeting absurdity with absurdity.

I won't set aside federal policies

for the Chugalug defense.

I'm ruling in favor of...

Your Honor, one more moment
of the court's time, please.

The American Jobs Creation Act, H.R.4520,

encourages domestic production
to create jobs.

Now, I find it absurd

that the hopes and dreams
of a small American businessman

like Cole Lamburt are to be crushed today

but foreign entrepreneurs are free

to import camel-milk products
into the U.S.

- Is that true?
- Yes, your honor.

Right here, I have a camel-milk
chocolate bar from Dubai.

I bought it

at the local health-food store
down the street.

You cannot uphold a minor federal policy

prohibiting the sale of camel milk

and in the same breath
deny the greater federal goal

of creating jobs that benefit our country.

We urge you to drop the charges
and return Mr. Lamburt's pet.

There is a truck scheduled to leave tonight

to transport his camel across the country.

I understand the urgency.
I'll rule within the hour.

[ Gavel bangs ]

How's it going?

Data shows that every prisoner
released through C.E.R.

has an expensive-to-treat illness,

but Veticon doesn't decide which
prisoners get released early.

No, that's the deputy
parole commissioner's job,

so we have to link him to Veticon.

Not so easy.

The current deputy parole commissioner

started as a corrections officer in Dallas.

He worked in four different prisons.

None of them were owned by Veticon.

I can't find a link.

How's it going, Jane?

And my... platonic employee?

Just fine, boss.

Ladies.

What was that?

Nothing.

Okay.

'Cause it sounded like you were
both trying to reinforce

your non-dating status
in a flirtatious manner.

[ Scoffs ] Whatever.

[ Chuckles ]

Wait.

Who is the deputy
parole commissioner's boss?

Who does he report to?

The D.P.C. is appointed by the sheriff.

And the sheriff was...

elected in 2007... the year

the "compassionate early
release" program was introduced.

It's not enough to prove undue influence

or even a link to Veticon.

No, but it's a start.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ms. Bingum. Welcome.

Come meet my stockholders.

We need to talk.

Now is not the time.

The deputy parole commissioner,

who determines which inmates
get released early,

reports to the Antelope Valley Sheriff.

Is this a civics lesson?

I dug into the sheriff's background.

Turns out, five years
before he was elected,

he was C.F.O. of Veticon.

And Veticon was one of his
biggest campaign contributors.

Bet you know where I'm going with this.

My doctor friend did the math.

The "compassionate early release" program

saves the prison approximately
$1 million a year.

I'm assuming the sheriff's on your payroll.

So now I am, too.

What do you want?

A hundred thou to keep my mouth shut.

You'll be paid as an off-book consultant.

I'll be in touch.

That enough to indict?

You bet.

[ Laughs ]

We got it?

We got it.

Okay.

After careful consideration,

I've decided to release Mr. Lamburt,

who will serve 500 hours
of community service.

Mr. Lamburt, your release
is conditioned on the agreement

that you not sell
a single drop of camel's milk

until the USDA-approved test
is officially available.

When might that happen...
the 12th of Never?

I... I apologize, your honor.

To that end, I strongly suggest

the USDA develop and release
a test without delay.

If that test is not available
within six months,

I suggest Mr. Lamburt file
a suit of due process.

I do not look favorably on undue delay.

Mr. Lamburt's camel, your honor?

She is to be released
to Mr. Lamburt immediately.

Yes!

Yes!

You wonderful yupster bastard.

You did it.

You're welcome.

Now, if you'll both excuse me,
I got to go get married.

- Hey.
- Good luck.

[ Chuckles ]

After undercover investigation,

the D.A.'s office has confirmed a link

between the Antelope Valley
Sheriff's Department,

the deputy parole commissioner,
and Veticon Incorporated

involving the early release
of seriously ill inmates.

Five other states have now
launched similar investigations

into other Veticon-owned prisons.

The charges will include
bribing a public official,

fraud, and racketeering.

Back to you.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Oh. You're talking about the rings.

Actually, I'm just the best man... woman.

Whatever.

Oh, I'm so late.

Thanks.

Keith.

Hi. I was just coming to see you.

They released me.

I know. The D.A. dropped the charges.

Keith.

Oh, hey, baby.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you, Ms. Bingum.
I'm so sorry about before.

I understand.

Jane, I'm in the same place
where I started.

I... I can't afford the therapy.

Veticon can... and will.

I just spoke to their lawyer,

and they have agreed to pay
for your interferon therapy

as part of a very generous settlement.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God!

I... I don't know what to say.

Well, I... guess
you robbed the right woman.

Don't ever do that again.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, I have to go.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh.

[ "The Wedding March" plays ]

You will not believe the day I had.

I drank camel milk.

You win.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

Um, don't worry. Brides like
to make a dramatic entrance.

Yeah.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh, God. Sorry. I'm sorry.

So rude.

I need you to read your poem now.

Now?

And slowly.

[ Stacy clears throat ]

Excuse me. [ Chuckles nervously ]

Um, I have been asked
to read my poem now.

It's by Oscar Wilde.

"We are resolved..."

"Into the supreme air..."

Jane: Vanessa? What's going on?

I can't marry Grayson.

What?

Okay, um, I'm sure that this is...

is just cold feet, Vanessa.

It's perfectly normal.

When you and Grayson were dancing...

Oh, no. It... it w... wasn't...

No, no. I know. I know. I... I... relax.

I'm just... I'm not making any sense.

Okay, I... I'm confused. I...

It's just that you two
were so effortless and natural.

And it's never been like that
for me with him.

But he loves you.

You're going to break his heart.

Maybe so.

But I can't help feeling like
some kind of consolation prize.

Wait.

Is this all because of Deb?

Honestly, I don't... I don't know.

I'm just painfully aware...

that there is something missing
in our relationship,

and every day, I wake up

hoping that things will be different.

But I deserve more.

And maybe he doesn't know it...

but he does, too.

Well, Grayson will be devastated.

I'm sorry.

Jane, if you were in my shoes,
would you marry Grayson?

In a heartbeat.

What?

He deserves it face to face.

So if you ever cared anything about...

No.

No, I'm not that brave.

Goodbye, Jane.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Car door closes ]

"...And all the live world's
throbbing heart"

"Shall be one with our hearts."

"The stealthy creeping years
have lost their terrors now."

"We shall not die."

"The universe itself
shall be our immortality."

What is going on?

[ Whispering ]

S... she said what?!

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

I have some sad news.

There won't be a wedding today.

[ Guests gasp, murmur ]

I'm sorry.

Um, uh, folks...

so many of you have traveled
long distances to be here.

Please stay.

Uh, eat, drink.

It's paid for.

♪ Baby, you know I love you so ♪

♪ I'll never think about... ♪

I'll take "awkward
social gatherings" for $200.

Great band.

Bride's favorite.

We could dance.

Has anyone seen Grayson?

I saw him walking towards
the lobby like 20 minutes ago.

Would you excuse me?

Yeah, sure.

♪ ...Grow old with you
every wonderful year ♪

♪ Oh, darling ♪

Again.

[ Chuckles ]

But my fiancée stood me up.

You've made that very clear.

You're cutting me off?

Sorry, sir.

Then I will sue you.

I will sue you for excessive
emotional... distress

of the emotionally distressed.

Easy, counselor.

- Jane!
- Hi.

He cut me off!

Thank you.

No problem.

You're taking his side?

You're fired.

I am gonna find another lawyer,

one who...

where are my keys?

With the valet.

Ugh! Damn.

Here. Why don't I help you to your room?

I don't need your help.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I'd like that very much.

Okay.

Here you go.

I am never falling in love again.

Never say "never."

Well, I fell in love with Deb. I lost her.

Fell in love with Vanessa. I lost her.

Now, see, that... that was just...

that's just two strikes, so...

Oop! [ Chuckles ]

...you just need to keep on swinging.

Nope.

I am done.

D-O-Ern.

[ Laughs ]

Oh!

You... are a hall-of-fame best man.

Thank you.

The only person I can rely on.

[ Chuckles softly ]

[ Sighs ]

What happened with Vanessa... it just...

happened.

But maybe it was for a reason.

You know?

Mm-hmm.

And you will fall in love again.

Because you deserve it.

And maybe you'll find it
sooner than you think.

Good night, Grayson.

[ Groans ]

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Grayson.

Grayson?

[ Chuckles softly ]

Grayson, I'm stuck under your arm.

[ Sighs ]