Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 2, Episode 8 - Queen of Mean - full transcript

♪

JANE: Sea that aspiring modal there?
That was ma, Deb,

until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to heaven,
but there was a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up
in someone else's body.

So now I'm Jane, a super-busy
lawyer with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe.

The only people
who know what's going on with me

are my girlfriend, Stacy,
and my guardian angel, Fred.

I used to think
everything happened for a reason.

And, well, I sure hope I was right.



[COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING]

[ELECTRICITY POWERING DOWN]

[HELLO STRANGER'S
"BIG BOOTS" PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

[SHUDDERS]

It's not fair.
I dreamt I had Larry King's baby

and you get an entire dance number
with Thunder From Down Under?

It was such a nice dream
until Hank the bailiff.

Who's Hank the bailiff?

Remember? He's the guy that Jane
dated before I became Jane.

Why was he in my sexy dream?

Well, the hunky men represent the dance
partners missing from your life.

Your subconscious is telling you
it is time to start dating again.



Oh, you're good at this.
I know. You need to start with Hank.

What? No. Why can't I start with one
of the Thunder From Down Unders?

I'd pick Number 3.
Jane.

No, Hank is sweet and all,
but we don't have anything.

Did you give him a real shot?

Sweetie, old Jane really liked him.

So maybe you owe it to her
to see if there are any sparks.

Fine, I owe her. I'll pay her back
with an expensive haircut. Mm.

What if we threw a dinner party
and you invited Hank?

It’d be a date with a safety net.
Oh, I'll marinate lamb chops.

I saw this great recipe
in Real Simple.

You don't read Reel Simple.
I do at the gyno.

It was either that
or a pamphlet about the uterus.

All right, fine. I will ask him. Now,

check this out.

Whoa, ha-ha.

An Ellie Tannen scarf.

To wear at my meeting
with Ellie Tannen.

No way.

She's looking for new lawyers.
I feel that this scarf says:

"I'm not a stodgy lawyer.
I'm part of your tasteful tribe."

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Jane, you know Ellie
is a total monster.

I can handle monsters.

Remember that Tic Tac shoot I did
with a Komodo dragon?

Well, this dragon's a thrower.
Office supplies, lattes, stilettos.

So I'll duck.
I am going to get Ellie to like me.

It's perfect.

It means that if you can't do
what she asks, just smile and nod,

Thank you. Gotta go.

Oh, um, one more thing.
Ellie hates the word "no."

So that means...
I know what 'no' means.

It means that if you can't do
what she asks, just smile and nod,

and say, "it won't be a problem."

It won't be a problem.

She's going to love you.
I hope.

♪

Can you believe Angelina Jolie
walks this very corridor

every time she comes
for a fitting with Ellie?

And that matters to me because, ?

Um... Because Angelina
could trip, sue Ellie,

and if Ellie were our client,

we could make a fortune
on a protracted, high-profile trial.

Good thinking, Bingum.

There she is.

♪

Mr. Parker, Ms. Bingum.
I'm Hugo, Ellie's executive assistant.

She's ready.
Thank you.

I need you to start without me.

Why? What's going on?
I'll be right in. I just need a moment.

We know you're interviewing firms.
Chase & Funk, Marmel & Fletcher.

They're good, but Harrison & Parker
has expertise in all areas of the law

that are of interest to your business.
Copyright...

Hugo, is that my scarf?
Yes.

What have you done to my poor scarf?
Do you have some head wound?

♪

JANE:
No, um...

I saw it like this
in the window of Bloomie's.

As I was saying...
Call Bloomingdale's.

Have them fire the window dresser.
Oh, no, no.

Ms. Tannen, I'm so sorry.

I was wearing your beautiful scarf
exactly like you.

Then I thought being matchy-matchy
might make you uncomfortable.

How refreshing.

A lawyer who cares about my feelings.
Come, let's go to lunch.

I have a pressing legal matter
I want to discuss.

So we're hired?
Yes.

But only she's coming to eat.

♪

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know. I feel so stupid.

We never even thought to make a will.
It was a car accident.

Unfortunately, Ms. Webb,
this happens all the time.

Have you filed
with the probate court?

Yes.

Your in-laws are making
the same claim?

They want everything. They didn't even
come to their daughter's funeral.

Your spouse was their daughter?

Yes, Melanie.

You and your wife had a civil union?
No, Ms. Kaswell.

When we got married, I was a man.

♪

Please, can you help me?

We'll do everything we can.

ELLIE: Waiter.
WAITER: Yes?

More, please.

That's enough.

So here's why I asked you to lunch.
My former assistant, Dawn Lucas,

had the audacity
to write a book about me.

Wow. Did you read it?

First two chapters.
She sent it to publishers.

Of course, there was a bidding war
because of my name.

We're done.
Let me clear that, ma'am.

I'm so... I just... Just a little.

Um... So you fool that tho book
is unflattering?

She makes me out to be abusive.
It's pure fiction.

Legally, we have to wait
until the book is released.

But then we can sue for libel.

I want you to stop the book
before it's published.

That's not how it works. Uh...

The freedom of speech
is the foundation of our country.

If you can't help me,

I'll ask the waiter to put your
salmon dijonnaise in a doggy bag.

So, Jane, can you stop the
publication of this book or not?

It won't be a problem.

♪

Ah. The prodigal lawyer returns.

Oh. Were you waiting for me?

What? No, I just had some business
here in reception.

What's Ellie got for us?

She wants me to file an injunction to
stop a tell-all from being published.

Which would be prior restraint,
and you'd lose.

Yeah, I know. it's impossible.

The government couldn't use prior
restraint to stop the Pentagon Papers.

As Justice Black said:

'To hold that the publication of news
may be enjoined

"would make a shambles
of the First Amendment."

Oh. Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

I'd have a tough time arguing that a
book is a threat to national security.

Agreed.
So, what do I do?

If the law is against you,
bang on the facts.

If the facts are against you,
bang on the law.

If both are against you,
bang on the table.

That's a lot of banging.

You have a fiduciary duty to your client.
The relationship is sacred.

Especially if the client handed you
a big fat retainer.

Bang, bang.

♪

Ready to meet our client's in-laws?

I was thinking, do you need me?
You seem to have it under control.

Wow. You're that uncomfortable
that you have to remove yourself?

No.

Okay, maybe a little.

I mean,
I completely respect his... Her...

Her.

Right.
Look, the client needs an alpha male.

If you can accept Allison,
no one else should have a problem.

You see me as an alpha male?

[CHUCKLES]

I see you as a prop in this case.

If you're uncomfortable,
keep your mouth shut.

Mr. and Mrs. Walters,
we're sorry for your loss.

But we can come
to a reasonable settlement.

Oh, really? ls there a price
that you can put on humiliation?

We couldn't send out family Christmas
cards or attend family reunions.

You chose not to.

You know how much
that hurt Melanie?

Melanie died without children.

Without a will, the property goes to
the spouse first, then to the parents.

And Allison is the spouse.
Spouse, please.

Not under California Law.

Look, Allison isn't trying
to get rich here.

She wants to stay in the home
she shared with your daughter,

keep her belongings...

Everything that belonged to Melanie
belongs to us.

Taking away Melanie's things won't
take away what we had together.

♪

She was everything to me.

You did this to yourself.

JANE:
Hi, Stacy's voicemail.

So I am at the courthouse, and I'm
pretending to be talking to you,

so that I look fake-busy
when I fake-bump into Hank

and invite him
to our date-slash-fake dinner party.

Um... Oh, there he is. Bye.

Hank.
Jane.

How are you?
Good, good.

It's been a while.
Yeah.

Um... How have you been?

Oh, you know, Shelby in
Arraignments got transferred.

Threw off everyone's schedule.
Been total chaos.

I bet.
Yeah.

Sol know that this is last-minute,

um, but my roommate and I are
throwing a dinner party tomorrow.

Why don't you come?

I'd love to.
Oh, great.

Around 7?
I can't wait.

Me too.

Okay.
Okay.

♪

Our first challenge: We have
to survive their motion to dismiss...

Ms. Tannen, are any of the
allegations in the book true?

You really expect to stop publication?
Have you spoken with Dawn?

No photo ops. No sound bites.
Keep walking.

Parker. Hi.

I said I wanted her, not you.

Oh, I'm just here to observe silently.

Hmm.
REPORTER: Ms. Tannen.

Thought of a new
cause of action yet?

Maybe. I'm not sure.

Dawn, how does it feel to be a hero
for under appreciated assistants?

REPORTER: What are you hoping
to gain by publishing?

I wanna tell my side of the story.

She's hoping to get rich
by telling lies.

Just because you're the boss, doesn't
mean you can treat people bad.

Badly. it's an adverb.

How can you write a book
when you don't know grammar?

Don't believe a word she says
or writes.

I move to dismiss
Ms. Bingum's complaint.

No court has countenanced
prior restraint.

Your Honor, he's right. Uh...

Which is why we are suing
for defamation.

Defamation? Heh.
JANE: Yes.

The book's not even published.

The book's written by an incompetent
who couldn't make coffee.

Quiet.
And no sunglasses in my court.

[WHISPERING] Take them off,
take them off, take them off.

Your Honor, Dawn Lucas sent the first
two chapters to 20 publishers.

As soon as any one of them read it,
it was de facto published.

Publication doesn't require

that the book is sitting on the shelf
at Barnes & Noble.

Every person in Starbucks
with a laptop is a published author?

Once they press send, yes.

An unorthodox argument,
but the logic is sound.

Motion to dismiss denied.
I'll see you all tomorrow.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Nice. Might have a shot.

You? Too much cologne.

You smell like the back
of a New York cab.

And you.

Tomorrow try not to whine.
It's grating.

I just got us a trial.

Really? Bragging?
Suddenly I'm nostalgic for the whining.

Charming, isn't she?
Do something about her.

If her own lawyer doesn't like her,
the jury's gonna hate her.

TERI:
Please answer the question.

That's ridiculous.
She was aloud chewer.

I couldn't focus with the noise.

I had to forbid her
to eat anything crunchy or crispy.

You're in contempt.

Ellie, if you explode like that in court,
you play right into their hands.

So you need to act like the questions
don't bother you.

♪

I'm waiting, counselor.

Did you send Ms. Lucas to Nordstrom
to remove a mannequin's clothing

simply because it was displaying
Donna Karan?

Donna Karan
is a glorified home-ec teacher.

Okay, really, really close.
A better response might have been:

'The clothes were out of season.
I was helping Nordstrom stay current.”

TERI:
Maybe I can help.

When I'm asked a question
that pisses me off,

I first smile, tilt my head to the left,

and quietly think, "Bite me,"
before I answer.

I do it every time my mother asks
when I'm getting married.

Okay. Let's try again.

So I'm opposing counsel,
and I'm going to ask...

Is it true that you refused
to allow Dawn Lucas

to attend
her grandmother's funeral?

No. I merely told Dawn
there was work to be done

and if she wasn't at her desk,
somebody else would do it.

So you claim that this book
is a misrepresentation?

Yes.
What about this?

"Ellie took one look at my outfit
and told me it needed to be burned"

and that she would set it on fire
whether I was wearing it or not.

I went home to change outfits,

"and she docked my pay
while I was gone."

Do you recall this incident?

I do. You must understand that
if my employees dress without taste

that reflects badly on me.

Why did you dock her pay?

It was only fair to employees who were
at work and dressed appropriately.

Sounds reasonable.

Not the work of a "tyrant"

or a "rageaholic"
or a "spiteful witch."

Those are my air quotes, her words.

Ms. Tannen, why would Ms. Lucas
write such misrepresentations?

People can be jealous.

They don't realize it takes talent,

hard work and personal sacrifice
to achieve what I've achieved.

When they can't cut it,
they have to cut down those who do.

♪

Don't be nervous.
You won't be on the stand long.

Great. The less I see of the Walters,
the better.

I'll ask questions about your
genetics, more specifically your DNA.

Since your chromosomes are male,
the court should...

Absolutely not.

I'm not a man. I won't say that I am.

Uh... We don't mean to be offensive.

But every relevant case has ruled
against the transgendered person.

The DNA argument gives us
a chance to dodge that.

I don't care what my DNA says.
It's just a legal strategy.

When I transitioned, Melanie stood
by me every step of the way.

Saying I'm a man denies everything
that we went through.

Please, find another way.

♪

[SIGHS]

DAWN: I was so excited.
The job was a dream come true.

I've always loved fashion.

For my 8th birthday, I asked my mom
for a subscription to Vogue.

My first day, I told Ellie that story.
And what was her response?

She told me to bore someone else.
Ooh. That must have hurt.

Yes. But I didn't wanna quit.

So to let it all out, I started a journal.

A friend who works in publishing
read some of it

and suggested I write a proposal.

So you had no malicious intent?
Objection.

Counsel's putting big legal words
in his little client's mouth.

Why did you write the book?
It was therapeutic.

It's sad when your dream job
doesn't live up to your dreams.

Yes, it is.

My client gave me a copy
of your résumé

that you submitted to get the job.

I called the Fashion Institute.
They don't have you on record.

Oh, well, I audited.

JANE: Who is Mitchell Hastings?
DAWN: A friend.

And he's also your literary agent?
Yes.

Mr. Hastings doesn't usually take on
first-time authors,

but you came to him
with a great idea, didn't you?

I have a lot of ideas.
It's time to come clean, Dawn.

Didn't you pitch that you would
get a job with Ellie Tannen,

work for her,
and then write a tell-all?

No.
Really?

Because your agent called publishers
before you began working for Ellie

to see if there was interest in a book.
I don't know.

Once the publishers
gave the go-ahead,

isn't that when you set out
to land a job with Ellie?

Objection. Badgering.
JANE: Excuse me, Your Honor.

I'll ask it again in a nicer,
non-badgering voice.

Isn't it true that you took this job
under false pretenses,

solely to write a tell-all
and destroy Ellie Tannen?

I, uh...

l...
Jane. Jane.

What?
I feel sick. I need a break.

Take a Tums.
Dawn's about to crumble.

Please. I feel faint.

Ten-minute recess.

ELLIE: The last few weeks
have been torture.

The trial has been very draining.
JANE: Excuse me. Excuse me.

So it is with a heavy heart
that I decided to drop the case.

REPORTER 1: Dropping the case?
REPORTER 2: Why?

REPORTER 3:
Were you wrong in portraying this?

REPORTER 4:
Why are you dropping it?

There are no victors
in a long court case.

I just hope no one reeds that trash.
STACY: Where are you?

There is my hand.

I'm trying to get to Ellie
so that I can strangle her.

You know, I've left her
phone messages and e-mails,

and she just won't respond.

I don't understand what happened.

You were dumped. On television.

It's like The Bachelor without
those gratuitous Jacuzzi scenes.

But we know
why Jason dumped Melissa.

I have no idea
why Ellie dumped me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's Hank. Pull yourself together.
You've got a date.

Fred, dinner.

Hank.

I brought wine.
And a... A date.

♪

This is my girlfriend, Jasmine. Heh.

Hi.
Hi. Come in.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

Hey, everyone.

Hank brought wine
and his girlfriend, Jasmine.

Hi.

[MOUTHING] Oh, my God.

I'll get another plate.

[MOANS]

Come on.

Oh... So, Jasmine, what do you do?

I'm a court reporter.

Hmm. Oh.
Oftentimes in your court.

JANE:
Sorry. Of course.

You are very good at your job.
You type very fast.

Jasmine, I have a question.
Why do we need court reporters?

Wouldn't it be easier
to record everything?

I mean, the technology
has been with us for ages.

So you don't think
that my job is important?

Um... I didn't say that.
Okay.

You're an assistant, so I'm guessing
that you spend your days

making coffee, xeroxing,
taking crap.

Now, that? That sounds important.

[MIMICS PEE-WEE]
Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh.

What was that?
It's Pee-wee. Ahem.

I know you are, but what am I?
I know you are, but what am I?

BOTH: I know you are, but what am I?
I know you are, but what am I?

Infinity.
JASMINE: Okay, Hank, honey.

All right.

[laughing]

She does Pee-wee.
She does.

He does the Pee-wee thing
when he gets nervous,

or overly excited or turned on.

♪

He is so much fun.
You never told me.

Okay, who'd like more wine?

Ahem.
Yeah, a little less for you.

[MIMICS PEE-WEE]
Wine? She said the secret word.

[HANK AND STACY
SCREAM THEN LAUGH]

He's with me, honey. Yeah.
What?

Oh. You think I'm flirting
with him. No.

Really? Because from here,
it sure looks like it.

No, no, you don't understand.

Jane is supposed to be flirting
with Hank.

[coughs]

JASMINE: What are..?
What? Why? Why?

Um... Never mind.
No, no one flirts with Hank, ahem,

except, uh, Hank's beautiful,
fast-typing girlfriend, Jasmine.

Oh, God.

Was this supposed to be a date
disguised as a dinner party?

Well, see, that's my fault.

Because, see,
Jane had this dream about Hank...

No. Shh.
JASMINE: Okay.

Oh, okay. Hank, we are leaving.
You had a dream about me?

Now, Hank.
Okay.

Honey. Honey.

I'm so sorry.

I know you are, but what am I?

♪

Good morning.
Who says?

They claimed the gladiator sandal
was dead

one day after I bought my new pair.
The lead story is about Ellie.

She just announced a discount line
for the everyday woman.

Ellie doesn't do discount.
Read.

Teri, cancel my morning. I gotta go.
I thought you'd say that.

KIM: Did you and Melanie file
your tax returns jointly

as a married couple?
Yes.

Did the IRS cash the checks
you wrote?

They most certainly did.

Was Melanie listed as your spouse
on your insurance?

Yes.
Were you under a family plan

with your phone company?
Yes.

So without question, the government
and multinational corporations

recognized you and Melanie
as a married couple?

They did.

Thank you.

I'd like you to read
from the California Family Coda,

Section 300.

"Marriage is a personal relation
arising out of a civil contract

between one man
and one woman."

Ms. Webb,
what gender was Melanie?

A woman.
And what gender are you?

A woman.
Thank you.

♪

We can do better.
ELLIE: What about the Italian silk?

Company.

Jane.

You never wanted to win this case,
did you?

This whole lawsuit
was one giant publicity stunt.

You were fired. And I am working.
I figured it out.

Your discount clothing line
is available November 8th,

one week after Dawn Lucas' book
is released.

Really? I had no idea.

You didn't wanna stop the book,
you wanted to promote it.

Hugo. Shoo.

Look, moms wanna wear my line,
but their daughters could careless.

I'm not on the hot list
for the everyday gal.

But then Dawn wrote the book,

and thanks to the lawsuit,
I'm relevant again.

But then you started to win in court.

It looked like the book wasn't gonna be
published, so I had to pull your plug.

Wait a minute. So when you hired
me, you didn't think I'd win.

You picked me
because you thought I was a loser?

Darling, I didn't need a good lawyer.

I needed someone
I could push around.

And you walked in,
so desperate to be liked.

Turns out you're
too good of a lawyer.

Guess I misjudged. Anything else?

No. You've been perfectly clear.

♪

Walk with me.

But Kim needs her apple peeled,
cored and sliced.

I feel so stupid, Fred.

You have an IQ of 140.
I can assure you, you are not...

Ellie hired me because she
thought I'd lose the case.

Doesn't make sense.

I got the client by being Deb,
a complete pushover.

And I got fired by being Jane,
smart and persistent.

This is good.
So you're giving Jane some props.

But you're underestimating Deb.
How?

We both ended up here
because she hit the return button

and it sent the entire universe
into disarray.

Deb was not a pushover.

Well, I did have my moments.
Mm-hm.

And if I don't get to Kim with her
apple, she's gonna have one of hers.

Mm.
What...?

Well, she's not gonna miss
one slice.

♪

Grayson. Hey.

You only do origami
when you are stressed or upset.

Yeah. Wait, how did...?
I've noticed.

What's wrong?
We're losing this case. It's not right.

I've heard.
I didn't realize you felt so strongly.

Well, it took me a while, but I
realized it's only about one thing.

Winning the case?
No. It goes way beyond that.

It's about something everyone searches
for but only some of us find.

Oh, like the perfect
black cocktail dress.

Yes.

No, it's true love.
I know.

Yeah.

You're absolutely right.
What these two went through,

and they stayed together, it makes
you believe that love can conquer all.

And nobody should be able
to take that away from them.

I agree.

Grayson, in Littleton v. Prange,

wasn't Littleton's marriage
invalidated

because she was male
on her birth certificate

and couldn't marry another male?

Yeah, it's not helpful.
Actually, it might be.

Littleton held that legally,
gender is determined

by which box is marked
on the birth certificate, right?

But Allison won't let us argue
that she's a man.

You don't have to.
Apply the logic of Littleton.

If the birth certificate is controlling,
your client was legally married.

Win-win. The state used the birth
certificate to destroy a marriage.

You can use it to validate one.
I'll give it a shot. Thanks, Jane.

Well, anything for true love.
Yeah.

[FIRST AID KIT'S
"HARD BELIEVER" PLAYING]

I'm sorry. Pomtini?

Thanks.

Wow.

You must be really sorry.
Mm-hm. I have learned my lesson.

Sometimes a dream
about Thunder From Down Under

and Hank is just a dream

about Thunder From Down Under
and Hank.

You know what?
You were trying to be helpful.

Hope I didn't mess things up
for Hank.

I ran into him at court.
He said it was the best night of his life.

Go Hank.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You expecting someone?
No.

♪

it's Ellie.
No.

Oh, my God, I'm wearing sweats.
No, don't leave me.

[WHIMPERS
THEN CLEARS THROAT]

JANE:
Ms. Tannen.

I need to speak with you in private.
Pretend I'm not here.

Okay. I just need to go to my room,
Ahem.

And change out of these sweats
that are so last season.

Yes, please, make yourself at home.

I've changed my mind.

I wanna go back to court
and stop publication of this book.

Really? Did you have something else
you wanted to promote?

I'm done, Ellie.

You're on retainer.
You still work for me.

Retainer or not,

I have one word for you:

No.
Hugo got a copy of the book.

There are things
I don't want the world to know.

Like what?
Does it matter?

Yeah, if you want my help.

Jane, I'm going blind.

I have a degenerative eye disease,
Steingardt's syndrome.

Hugo helps me pick out the fabrics
and the colors.

But the concepts and designs
are all mine.

I have no idea how Dawn found out.

So your glasses...

Let them think that I wear them
to hide my thoughts.

The truth is, my eyes
are painfully sensitive to light.

Okay.

If you don't help me,
my career will be over.

I need you.

I thought she dropped this

and now she wants
a closed courtroom?

Is this one of your stunts?

If this were a stunt,
I'd be inviting TMZ into the gallery.

The information I intend to introduce
is of a sensitive, personal nature.

Mr. Resnick, this case was
not officially dismissed,

and I don't have a problem
excusing the jury or the public.

I could use the quiet.

Your Honor, at this point,
we recall Dawn Lucas to the stand.

Ms. Lucas, in the final chapter
of your manuscript,

you reveal
my client's health issues, true?

Yes. My publisher is very excited.
JANE: I'm sure.

So how did you learn about
Ms. Tannen's medical problems?

Oh. I was her assistant.
I heard things around the office.

But Ms. Tannen never spoke
of her condition at the office.

I would like to submit Exhibit A.

Release forms signed by Ms. Tannen
to obtain her private medical records.

Only the signature
is not Ms. Tannen's.

It's a forgery.
Objection. No foundation.

I have a handwriting expert

to verify that Lucas
forged my client's signature.

I have a receptionist
from the hospital

that will testify
that Lucas picked up those tiles.

If the DA wants to prosecute
for forgery, that's his decision.

But as far as this case is concerned,
she has not shown falsity.

Maybe so.
But public disclosure of private facts

is actionable,
so I'm amending my complaint.

Public disclosure doesn't apply

because Ms. Tannen
is a public figure.

She doesn't enjoy the same right
to privacy as us common folk.

He's right, Your Honor.
Ms. Tannen is a public figure.

And people love juicy gossip
about public figures. Totally guilty.

However, with these new chapters,
Dawn Lucas crossed the line.

Just because something is true, does
not give you the right to publish it.

Famous people, nasty people
or famously nasty people

still have some rights to privacy.

Now, you can hate Ms. Tannen,

but that does not give you the right
to destroy her.

There is a genuinely mean woman
in this room,

but it is not my client.

Allison Webb was a devoted spouse
and committed partner.

Yet we're deciding whether to strip her of
her title to her partner's possessions.

And why?

Because we don't know
what to call her.

You've asked for law.
Well, the majesty of the law

is that we apply its principles
to everyone.

In Littleton v. Prange, a Texas court
denied Christie Littleton benefits

because her birth certificate
listed her as male,

and she was married to a man.
Our point exactly.

The court held
they were a same-sex couple.

Although my client is a woman,
her birth certificate says male.

By the logic of Littleton, she qualifies
under Section 300 as a spouse.

That's not the ruling.
But it is the logic.

Precedent or no, it's persuasive.

Texas law
has no precedential value here.

That's for me to decide.

I'm finding for Ms. Webb.

What?
Should you appeal,

it's my hope you get another judge
who believes it's not our job to judge

whether two people can be in love.

Thank you.

There's little question
that I cannot stop the publication

of Ms. Lucas' book.

I'm so sorry.
While I'm denying injunctive relief,

I do find the work
does publicly disclose private facts,

and therefore,
I'm awarding damages

for each disclosure, $28 a book.

But the book sells for $27.

If the publisher loses a dollar a copy,
why would they sell my book?

My guess, they won't.

[CHUCKLES]

Fine. I can write articles.
I've been offered a speaking tour.

Plenty of people will pay me
for this information.

JUDGE:
I'd be careful if I were you.

I assume Ms. Bingum has yet
to inform the DA of the forgery?

Not yet, Your Honor.

But if Ms. Lucas acts on her threats,
I most certainly will.

Oh, and being the fashion expert
that you are,

I'm sure you know, orange
prison jumpsuits, not that flattering.

JUDGE:
That's all, people. We're adjourned.

[GAVEL BANGS]

I can't thank you enough.
it's just beyond...

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Walters, can we help you?
I'd like to speak with Allison.

Please. it'll only take a minute.

Okay.

My wife and I,
we never saw eye to eye on...

♪

I wish Melanie
would have known that.

I can never forgive myself
for turning my back on my daughter.

Now I'll never see her again.

Thank you for making her happy.

This was my mother's.

I wanted to give it to Melanie.

But I want you to have it,

if you would.

I'll never take it off.

It goes with everything.

You can't just barge in here.
I just did, didn't I?

Jane, Ms. Tannen to see you.

You have another case for me?
Please, no. Court is so drab.

All they need to do
is change the lighting.

I mean, is that so hard?

Jane, I never care
what people think about me.

Let them call me mean
or dragon lady or...

Cruellie De Vil? Ha-ha-ha.

I was just saying.

My point is, I care what you think.

Oh.

Well, I think that you don't need
to be so mean

to sell clothes
or run a fashion house.

I'm not saying be a pushover,
but there is a...

Stop talking.

See, that was a little mean.
So I can give you this.

Oh. Well, maybe not so mean.

It's gorgeous.

It's one of a kind, just like

me..

Toodles.

♪

[GIGGLES]

Hey. Congrats. I just heard.

Oh. Kudos to you as well.

Well, I couldn't have done it
without your help.

Here, I brought you this.

Thanks.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, I'm happy for Allison.
Love conquered all.

You really believe in that, don't you?

Allison became a woman,
and Melanie still loved her.

Their connection transcended
their physical bodies.

It's the definition of soul mates.

Yeah.

Um... Grayson, there's something
that I've wanted to tell you,

and maybe, finally,
now is the right time.

Okay.

Um...

Oh, it's a little harder
than I thought it was gonna be.

[CHUCKLES]

See, I'm not...
FRED: Jane.

I need you. Right now.
it's an emergency.

JANE:
Okay.

It's kind of private.

Okay. Yeah, no problem.
I will talk to you tomorrow.

Sure.

What are you doing?
That was perfect.

I was finally gonna tell him
that I'm Deb and...

Which is why you showed up.
It's my job.

You can't tell anybody,
especially Grayson.

Grayson believes love conquers all,
so that means there's a chance...

Jane, I'm not saying that you
and Grayson aren't soul mates.

But he has to fall in love with you.
Not because you tell him you're Deb,

but because he loves you
as you are now.

But what if...?
Hey.

Do you believe
that love conquers all?

I want to.

I really do.

Well, then if he's meant to be with
you, let him fall in love with you.

[FIRST AID KIT'S
"HARD BELIEVER" PLAYING]

[SNIFFLES]

♪