Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 2, Episode 12 - Bad Girls - full transcript

♪

JANE: Sea that aspiring modal there?
That was ma, Deb,

until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to heaven,
but there was a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up
in someone else's body.

So now I'm Jane, a super-busy
lawyer with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe.

The only people who know
what's going on with me

are my girlfriend, Stacy,
and my guardian angel, Fred.

I used to think
everything happened for a reason.

And, well, I sure hope I was right.



I want a big yard
with two oak trees

to tie a hammock
on lazy afternoons.

And I want a swing set for the kids
and a big bay window in the kitchen

so I can keep an eye on them,
and you.

Grayson, I want something too.

[SINGING
'I WANT YOU TO WANT ME']

Not only does Vanessa
have Grayson,

she also has decent pitch
and some pretty good moves.

♪

It was just a dream.

No, it's never just a dream.

My subconscious is the only place
I can get in Grayson's face,

and tell him,
'I am your girl, not her.”

Did you have spicy food?



Sometimes spicy food
makes me have weird dreams.

No, the dream
was not from spicy food,

it was from spicy text messages.

I've sort of been reading
Vanessa's texts

to Grayson.
Sort of?

Grayson sat next to me
at a staff meeting.

His phone was on the table
and the messages kept popping up.

Vanessa is beautiful and smart.

And she TiVo'd the Dodger game
for him.

I read that in a text.

The point is any chance I had
with Grayson is gone.

You know,
as somebody in a relationship,

I could offer you some advice.

You kissed Stacy once,
that's not a relationship.

Well, what's your advice?
Don't read Grayson's texts.

Good morning.
Good morning to you.

It's my time to meditate,

become one with nature
and plan my day's outfits. Bye.

But...
Bye.

I don't get it.

At this stage in our relationship,
we should be running together.

Should I buy her some flowers?

Too much? What should I do?

You could start
by putting on some pants,

so we that can get to the office.

Fine.

Hey, can we drive by her and honk?

This is your classmate's blog?

Yeah, Madison Thomas.

She started "MAD-itude" last year
and everyone in school reads it.

Somehow, she got Abby's picture
in a bra,

posted it and invited her classmates
to make comments.

This is just cruel.
It's not that big a deal.

And I don't need a lawyer,
no offense.

Miss Bingum,
can you help us get this photo down?

Did you contact Madison's parents?
Her mother.

I mean, I assumed she'd be mortified,
instead she attacked me:

"it's Madison's right."

She thinks her daughter has
the right to embarrass mine?

What about the school?
The principal said his hands are tied.

The photo wasn't taken or distributed
on school grounds.

He did ask Madison to take it down,

which she did, for one night,
then it was back.

JANE:
Abby, you're looking at the camera,

with your head slightly back...
Oh, I totally know that pose.

You took this picture, didn't you?
What?

I used to lake pictures of myself
all the time.

It's the best way
to get an objective view of the outfit,

and the head tilt happens naturally
as you work the lens.

Fine. I took it, okay?
Mom, can we please just drop this?

Wait, you took that picture

and gave it to Madison?
No, I e-mailed it to Charlie.

What?
Everybody does it.

When we broke up,
I guess he gave it to Madison.

Look, it sucks, I know,
but there are bikinis that show more.

I can't believe...

What do you want me to do?
Ladies, ladies.

I'm going to send
a strongly worded letter to Madison.

The threat of litigation
should make her take it down, okay?

[BOTH SIGH]

♪

Oh, my.

PARKER:
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Moving on, let's talk receivables.
Kaswell?

KIM: My personal injury case just
settled this morning, six figures.

PARKER:
Not bad. Love those figures.

And we're on to new business.
Bingum.

You with us?
Yes.

Yeah, I'm right here.

You have my total
and complete attention.

You had an intake meeting?
Oh, right. Um...

New client, mom and daughter.

The girl's being victimized, um...
Um...

I'll just write you a memo.
Great. Love memos.

Sorry to interrupt.

♪

Claire.

Wow, this place hasn't changed at
all, except for the new faces.

Good morning. Love those earrings.

Uh... Thank you.
This is Claire Harrison

of the esteemed law firm,
Harrison and me.

J., can I speak to you in private
for a moment?

Yeah, let's go in my office.

Back to work, everyone.

TERI:
Okay, here's the story.

Eight years ago, Claire Harrison
left the firm

when she married Simon Bell.

He's the founder of Planet Green.

That company that makes
overpriced organic products.

I know him.
I mean, I know what he looks like.

He is the suntanned face
on my nontoxic, ozone-friendly,

non-animal-tested screen wash.
Yup, that's him. Poor Mr. Parker.

Poor Parker?
TERI: Yeah.

He and Claire were hot and heavy
before she met Simon Bell.

But you know those office romances
never work out, right?

Okay, you all can keep gossiping,
I'm going back to work.

Claire would like that.
She still owns half the firm.

Doesn't draw a salary, but she's
a 50-percent equity partner.

Why don't we get back to work?
Thank you, Gossip Girl.

♪

What are you doing?
Grayson's phone.

He left it in my office.
There is a text message,

and I'm going to return it
without looking.

Grayson's not in his office.

Then I will put it on his desk
and leave it there without looking.

You looked.

It was from Vanessa.

It said,
'Thanks for taking out the trash.”

That's not so bad.

And, "l love you."

Has it really been that long?
Yeah, it seems like just yesterday

we were celebrating
our successful motion to suppress.

You know, I think we celebrated
on this sofa.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Claire, Kim Kaswell,
six-year associate.

If you're here on a legal matter, I'm...
It's a sensitive issue.

For Claire.
My husband cheated on me.

I want a divorce.
I'm sorry.

Don't be.
Simon's company just went public.

He's worth millions.

Well, as you know, California's
a community property state.

You're entitled to half.
Except, as I was about to tell J,

we have a "nupkin."

A what?

A prenup written on
Crazy Dave's Surf side Grill napkin.

Claire...
When we got engaged,

he was just this cute surfer with
big dreams, not a dime to his name.

We went out to this restaurant,

and he was being flirtatious
with the waitress.

I joked that he only wanted me
for my money.

He took a napkin and wrote:

"if we break up, what's yours
is yours, what's mine is mine.

Business and marriage
are separate."

We both signed it.

PARKER: An unconventional
letterhead, but it's legit

and supersedes rules.
That's what I thought.

Wait, hold on. What about
Steven Spielberg and Amy Irving?

They had a "nupkin"
that was tossed out by a judge.

Community property rules reverted,

and Amy walked away
with a hundred mil.

Works for me.
Yeah.

I'll review the decision
and prepare for court.

♪

JANE:
Whoo-hoo. Heh.

Great suits.

Oh.
Gucci, single-breast, two-button.

Yeah, Deb picked it out for me.
I know.

I mean, I assume.

You know, men think it's silly
to spend money on a fancy suit

when they could use it
on an awesome flat screen.

Exactly. Well, I'm glad
Deb talked me into this.

I'm meeting Vanessa's parents
tomorrow for dinner.

Wow, things are really getting
serious between you two.

I guess, yeah.

Are you nervous?
Little bit.

Her father's a ninth circuit judge,

and apparently, he's tough
on anyone dating his little girl.

Well, you've got the right suit.

They're gonna love you.

Oh. Thanks.
Yeah.

I'll see you.

♪

Ms. Bingham, were you trying
to scare a teenage girl

with this cease and desist?

Well, I was trying to make a point
and it did get you here.

Ms. Thomas, why not just have her
do the right thing?

Miss Condescending,
why not just butt out?

Are you aware that your client
narced on Madison

for cheating on a chemistry test?
No, but...

I was following school honor code
and I wish I had never said anything.

I'm sorry I got you in trouble.
Hmm. So sure.

If the tables were turned,
I'd insist Abby take it down.

Can you please just try
and see this

through my eyes?
We're done here.

We're not going to
take the photo down.

It's called free speech. Look it up.
Fine.

We'll sue your client for intentional
infliction of emotional distress.

Look that up.

Abby, I'm gonna need you to testify.
No.

If I say anything against her,
just shoot me now.

Honey, you have got to stand up
for yourself.

Abby, I totally get it.

In high school,
I knew girls like Madison.

And here's the thing:
if she is mean to you,

she's mean to a lot of girls, right?
Yeah.

She's a total bitch-athon. So, what?

So I have to show a pattern
of mean behavior.

So if I can get other girls to testify,
would you?

If I'm not the only one?

Okay.

♪

A contract doesn't need to be formal.
It can be written on toilet paper,

it is still valid, provided there's
mutuality of consideration.

However, in almost identical
circumstances,

the napkin prenup of
Steven Spielberg and Amy Irving

was deemed invalid.

That napkin was tossed
because Miss Irving was an actress

without legal representation.

Claire Harrison, a lawyer,
knew exactly what she was signing.

I agree. Miss Harrison should be held
to a higher standard

than the star
of Crossing Delancey.

Your Honor, this agreement
was written at a bar over cocktails.

If Miss Harrison signed while drunk

in a diminished capacity,
that would invalidate the napkin.

Come on.
Miss Harrison,

were you sauced when you signed?
Guilty, Your Honor.

[INAUDIBLE]

Miss Harrison,
who drove home that night?

I don't remember.
You did. You drove your Mercedes.

Your Honor, we contend...

JUDGE:
I know what you're contending.

If she was sober enough to drive,
she was sober enough

to understand what she was signing.
The prenup napkin is valid.

♪

Did you see him in there?
Totally smug.

With his $200 haircut
and his Cartier watch.

Without me, he'd still be on the
beach looking for gnarly waves.

What do you mean
if it weren't for you?

He talked about starting a business,
but it was just talk.

He was clueless about corporate law,
marketing, inventory, that was all me.

Great, Claire. Forget the napkin.

I'll petition to continue the hearing,
argue sweat equity.

She's right. If we can't get
half his assets as his wife then...

I can lay claim
as his da facto business partner.

That's brilliant.
Did you keep records?

Contracts? Phone logs?
She keeps everything.

I remember your old condo,
you were like a pack rat.

♪

I'll have everything sent over
to the office.

Thank you.

Both of you.

Uh... Anything you wanna tell me?

I hike it you heard that we...
In passing.

You have nothing to worry about.

Who says I'm worried?

JANE: So, sweetie, I need
your help with my case.

What do you want me to do?
Should I take notes? Do I need a costume?

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
I can speak in a French accent.

No. Here's the deal.

Abby is a high school junior,

she's being bullied by Madison,
the queen bee.

Madison's mean to a lot of girls.

I need them to share their stories,
but teenagers won't talk to a lawyer.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But they'll tell everything to a model.

Exactly.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Ha. Let's get to work.

I was on the French Riviera on a yacht
for a bikini shoot when Giselle...

Yeah, her.
She had a wardrobe malfunction.

Her sandal broke,
she slipped, grabbed onto me.

We both fell into the water,
and that ended up being the shot.

Oh. That is so cool.

I can't believe you're a real model.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHING]
Talk about Madison Thomas.

Um... Listen, uh, what's the dish
on Madison Thomas?

She's one of your classmates, right?
Yeah. Why?

[MOUTHING]
Abby. Abby. Abby.

Ahem. You guys know what
happened to Abby Tildon, right?

Yeah, it sucks.
Yeah, it does.

But she's gonna fight Madison
in court. Mm-hm.

I'm BFF with her lawyer,
it would really help her out,

if you guys told the judge
what Madison did to each of you.

You're kidding, right?
She'd make our lives hell.

Doesn't she already do that?

♪

Okay, so it's the three of you,

plus Abby,
makes it four against one.

It is time to take Madison down.

Jane's here.

Good news.

We got Olivia, Lily and Emma
to all testify.

Oh. Thank you, Jane.

Madison's here.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Teri.
Yo, boss.

Your witness, Lily,
just called in sick.

Uh... Lily's not coming.

TERI [OVER PHONE]:
Hold on. Other line.

Jane Bingum's office.
Thank you. I'll give her the message.

Olivia is sick too.
Olivia's out too?

NANCY: At least we still have Emma.
Absolutely.

Emma, come here.

♪

Your Honor,
I believe Madison Thomas

has engaged
in witness tampering.

Three of my witnesses
are now "sick."

JUDGE:
That's a serious charge.

Submit her cell phone as evidence.

Her text messages
will verify my accusation.

Miss Thomas, please hand
your cell phone to the bailiff.

♪

There are no text messages
on this phone.

Obviously they've been deleted.

Did you see them with your eyes

and are willing to testify under oath
to their content?

No, but trust me,
I know what she did.

If this is all you have,
case dismissed.

I'm so sorry.
MADISON: Hey, Miss Bingum.

What?
Say cheese.

Can't wait to see the comments
on this one.

See you tomorrow at school, Abbs.

♪

Oh, you're home.

Bradley, this is Jane, my roomie.

He looks familiar.
Didn't you two used to date?

Three hair styles ago.
Bradley just stopped by for a drink.

Nice to meet you for the first time.
Likewise.

How was your day in court?
Oh.

Jane is a lawyer.
Oh, wow.

The witnesses were no-shows

and I failed miserably
at the hands of a teenage mean girl.

Jane's super smart, just like you.

Bradley is an astrologist.
He can read our charts.

Uh... No. I can't,
because I'm an astronomer.

People must make that mistake a lot.
Yeah, I guess.

Can't tell how many times
I picked up Star Magazine

hoping to read about Orion,

only to find out Sandra Bullock
is moving on with her life.

Please, I've picked up Bar Today

hoping for legal precedents,
only to find cocktail recipes.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, Jane, maybe sometime,
you'd like to have a drink with me.

Um... Um...

You know, I'm pretty swamped,
but thank you.

Look at this, we need more crackers.
Will you help me with the crackers?

Hi!

What is wrong with you?
He's a doll. The chemistry?

He asked you out in two minutes.
Must be some record.

Hello, he is your ex.
That is a violation of the girlfriend rule.

Besties before testes does not apply
if you have my blessing.

And I bless you.

Heh. Okay, fine.
Thank you, Reverend Stacy.

I will go out with him.
Okay.

[Giggles]

Mr. Parker, am I to understand
that you're arguing sweat equity?

Yes, Your Honor,
may I submit exhibits A to L.

Contracts Claire vetted,
business plans, legal documents.

All uncompensated.
BURTON: They were married.

It's just pillow talk.
There are no formal contracts.

Well, it does seem Miss Harrison

performed a great deal of work for
which she is entitled to compensation.

When you were a practicing lawyer,
you had an hourly rate, correct?

Yes, but...
Calculate your hours commensurate

and Mr. Bell will pay you a fee.

We're asking for half the company.
And your request is denied.

♪

JANE:
'Lame Jane.”

"What not to wear."

"A total loser."

Okay, I'm an adult
and I still feel awful.

Imagine how Abby feels.

[GROANS]

You know what's wrong?
The civil courts

can't even touch this mean girl.

Oh, my God.

What? You have that look.
Should I take dictation?

Teri, I totally messed up
by filing civil charges.

Under the new cyberbullying laws,
California Penal Code section 653m,

Madison has committed
numerous acts of harassment.

A criminal act.

I'll print out a copy of Abby's photo
and get you a meeting with the DA.

[LAUGHS]

Madison, you're going down.

You okay?
Your parents are gonna like

this restaurant?
My parents don't care.

They just wanna meet you.
Shot of tequila.

And make it quick
before the others arrive.

Are you nervous?
Me? No.

Yeah.
All rise.

Daddy.

Hello, princess.
Hi.

Hi, Mom. Um...

Grayson, these are my parents,
Byron and Patty.

It's a pleasure to

So I showed the DA Abby's picture
on 'MAD-itude',

So I showed the DA Abby's picture
on 'MAD-itude',

and he agreed
to pursue criminal charges.

[LAUGHS]

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'm sorry.
No.

This is really bad
first-date conversation.

No. I think it's great that
you're so passionate about work.

I'm also passionate about shoes.
Maybe save that for our second date.

Not a problem. Ha-ha.

You know,
I'm really glad Stacy set us up.

What?
I thought she told you.

Yes. No, yeah, of course.

Oh. Ooh. Wow, it's so late.
I had a really great time with you. Um...

I just have to follow up
on the case and...

I understand. I'll call you?
Great. Thanks.

So to answer your question,
Grayson,

yes, the robe is itchy.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

I like him.

Grayson, come up to our house
in Santa Barbara some weekend.

Or the whole summer.
All you need is a bathing suit.

But separate bedrooms.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm desperate for grandchildren.

[LAUGHS]

Daddy.
Sooner the better. But no pressure.

Sweetie. How was your date?

So you think that I am such a loser
that you have to

throw me one of your leftovers?
No. Bradley is smart and interesting.

And so are you now.
Wow.

I thought you would
be good together.

You don't think
I could get a guy on my own?

You can, but you're not
putting yourself out there.

I dated Tony.
Ages ago.

And now you're back
to being all obsessed with Grayson.

♪

So you don't think that Grayson
could possibly love me?

That's not what I said. Fred told me
he's meeting Vanessa's parents.

If I want a date, or not, it's up to me.

Come on, guys. You haven't spoken
to each other since last night.

It's time to make up.
Jane, you are drinking coffee.

That means that you are exhausted
from staying up all night,

feeling bed
fer hurting Stacy's feelings.

I was up all night
checking "MAD-itude"

to see if they removed Abby's photo,
which they finally did.

Oh, look,
Stacy made two slices of toast.

I will bet that one of them
is for her best friend.

I'm hungry.

Okay. Enough.

You two are acting like those girls
on 'MAD-itude.'

♪

[LAUGHS]

Look at that, huh? Allies.

Both hating on me.

[DOOR Closes ES]

A three-page legal document
that Claire vetted.

Lots of scribbles and cross-outs.

Must have taken her two hours a
page at 400 an hour, that's...

Twenty-four hundred dollars.
Oh, you're good at math.

Yup. You know,
I'm also good at crochet.

Not that that's relevant.
Okay, that's the last of billable hours.

Now let's move on
to associated expenses.

Any receipt used as a business
expense, Claire can get reimbursed.

Oh. Wow.

Check it out. A hundred thou

wired to the Canary Islands
from the household account.

Must have been some vacation.

Let me see that.

You don't wire a hundred grand
for a vacation.

So it was a business trip?
Hmm.

On the back, it says, "Planet Green."

it's a business expense taken
from their joint personal account.

That's weird.
Yeah, so weird,

we gotta tell Parker and Kim
right now.

I know what happened to the money,
and I want you to drop it.

You need to tell us what's going on.
This is a lot of money.

All right, but it doesn't leave
this room.

♪

Two weeks before his IPO,
we got a tape in the mail.

Simon in bed with a prostitute.

That's how you knew
he was cheating.

This charming young lady demanded
a hundred thousand dollars,

or she was gonna send a copy
to the board of directors.

It would've ruined his image
and tanked the IPO.

So you used household money,
you couldn't use corporate funds

without tipping off the board?
Yes.

We can use this as leverage.
No. It's humiliating.

He was my husband and
I'm not gonna resort to blackmail

to get what's mine.

What if we resort to the law?

What do you mean?

Yeah, we all know it's me. So, what?

California is a no-fault divorce state.
It's irrelevant.

What's relevant is that Simon
wired money to the blackmailer

from a marital account.

We had to.
My investors couldn't see this.

Would have been the end
of Planet Green.

So add the hundred thou
to the settlement. We'll call it a day.

Not so fast.
Simon commingled funds

and invalidated the very separation
promised in the prenup.

Come on.
We didn't have any other option.

Once separate and
community property are combined,

it's presumed
to be community property.

You invalidated the napkin, Simon.

You stole from the piper to pay
the hooker. Now you owe Claire half.

♪

The photo was removed
because I went to the DA.

He'll be investigating harassment
charges against Madison

and you won't have to testify.

That's great. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Jane.

Jane, we have a problem.

Are you Abby Tildon?
Yes, she is. And I am her lawyer.

You are under arrest for violating
California Penal Code Section 311.2.

Stop, you've got it all wrong.

You provided a photo
from Madison Thomas' blog.

The DA filed charges against Abby
for distribution of child pornography.

What? Jane...
Have you seen the photo?

She's wearing a bra.
Nothing's exposed.

According to the DA,
the photo qualifies as pornography.

You need to come with me.
ABBY: Mom.

No, if you're gonna arrest anyone,
arrest Madison Thomas.

She posted the photo.
Already did.

She's in a holding cell downtown.
Mom.

It's okay, honey. I'm right behind you.
What have you done?

Docket ending 323,
docket ending 324.

People v. Madison Thomas,
People v. Abby Tildon.

Your Honor, these charges...

The reason my client is here
is because her client

created and distributed that photo.
Which would have been private...

The law was created to stop
the generation of obscene materials.

And her client distributed the photo.

The intention of the law
is to protect exploited children.

♪

What I was saying...
Jane.

Miss Bingum...
[WHISPERING] Not now,

Stacy. Go out.

[WHISPERING] it's important.

I apologize for the interruption...
No, no, no.

but I brought cupcakes.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Short recess, a personal emergency.

Five minutes.
Bailiff, bring me one with sprinkles.

What is your problem?
This is a criminal case.

And you're interrupting because
you feel badly about Bradley?

What? No.

I am here on a legal matter.
Mm-hm.

I was looking on "MAD-itude" because
you got me involved in the case

and something caught my eye.
What are you talking about?

You know how Madison took Abby's
picture down and put it back up?

Yes.
Check out the time-stamp

on the second post.

Oh, my God.
Right?

And for the record,
I am sorry about Bradley.

Thanks, Stace.

But you're right, Grayson's
moved on and I should too.

I should've told you it was a setup.

You were just trying to be sweet.
I was.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, sweetie, go save our client.
Okay.

Your Honor,
if you let me call a single witness,

I guarantee
I can put an end to this trial.

Maybe I'm on a sugar high,
but if you're guaranteeing...

I'd like to call Madison's mother,
Heather Thomas, to the stand.

♪

Madison was mad at Abby
for turning her in for cheating,

wasn't she?
Yes.

It's destroyed any chance she has
of getting into a good college.

It was after that incident
that Madison

first posted the picture of Abby,
wasn't it?

I guess.

I said first posted because
after pressure from the principal,

your daughter took down the photo,
didn't she?

Yes.
But then it was posted again.

Here's the time-stamp
from the second post.

Would you please read
the highlighted portion.

Eleven twenty-two a.m., March 13th.

A Tuesday. Now, where was
your daughter at that time?

School.
Where there's no public internet.

She couldn't have re-posted
the picture.

Madison showed remorse,
but you couldn't let it rest.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

You felt Abby hurt your daughter
and so you had to hurt her back.

Isn't that true?

Ms.. Thomas, you're under oath.

Nobody messes with my kid.
JUDGE: Okay.

Everybody into my chambers, now.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Here's what's going to happen:

Young ladies, I'm dismissing charges
against both of you.

Madison, no more posting photos
like that on your blog.

And, Abby, no more sexting, got it?

Now, I'm assuming the DA
will be filing charges against you

for cyberbullying.

Yes, Your Honor. Immediately.
Good.

JUDGE: Miss Thomas, I'm
going to offer you a deal.

One hundred hours
of court-ordered parental education,

and I want an apology
on your daughter's blog,

explaining why posting that photo
was wrong.

That's ridiculous.
Or you can let a jury decide.

You let your daughter hike the rap
for your actions.

So if you lose the trial,
I'll send you to jail.

♪

Yeah.
Thank you.

Thank you.

[JOY WILLIAMS' "GOLDEN THREAD"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

That is from my dad.

And that is from my mom.

And that

is from me.

Chardonnay, please.
BARTENDER: You got it.

Thank you.

Listen. Make sure that I only drink half.
Ugh. Homework.

Okay.

Hey, what's going on? You okay?

Ah. Just not loving
this beer, that's all.

Yeah, right. What's going on?

Oh, it's just meeting your parents

made me realize
we were getting serious pretty fast.

Are you breaking up with me?
Oh, no. Oh, not at all.

It's just they were talking about
summers in Santa Barbara

and kids.
And that scared you?

When you were with Deb, did those
kind of things scare you too?

I mean,
at this point in your relationship?

No.

Well, thank you for being honest.

It's one of the million things
that I like about you.

Don't leave.

If I thought that I could talk you
into feeling differently, I would stay,

but one of the things
I like about me

is that I won't beg.

♪

What are you doing?
I know who blackmailed

Claire's ex-husband.
Yeah. Me too.

A smart hooker.

Not even close.
Or the hotel clerk.

Whatever, it's over.
We won, move on.

I can't.
It's a hundred thousand dollars.

You know how obsessive I get.

It's why my paper clips
are sorted by color.

These are all Kinko's charges billed
to Claire's personal credit card.

They were charged a couple
of weeks prior to blackmail.

So what?
I called Kinko's.

These are all charges for faxing.

Now, subtract 4.95, cost per fax.
Get to the point, Fred.

Divide by 3.16.
Migraine.

That is the price per minute
to fax the Canary Islands.

The only country that costs $3.16.

Five, nine, three, seven.
The minutes per fax Claire made to...

The Canary Islands, where
the offshore bank account is located.

Right. Now, to set up
an offshore account, you need to fax.

To hide the paper trail...
You fax from a Kinko's.

Claire had the money wired
to her own account.

Claire is the blackmailer.

♪

The 'nupkin' had a good chance
of being upheld,

so she set up her husband
and created a plan B.

Knowing we'd find it.

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

[LAUGHS]

Do you remember when we won
that Andrews case,

and the cork
went through the window?

It hit Teri's car. That was priceless.
Actually, it was a hundred bucks.

Oh. I forgot how much I enjoy
being around this place.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Mm.

It was great getting back
in the ring with you again.

Harrison and Parker
hasn't been the same without,

you know, Harrison.

Speaking of, how attached is Kim
to my old office?

You saying you want it back?
Maybe.

But first, I have another question.

How attached are you to Kim?

What? How did you...?

Our first Christmas together,
you gave me these.

My opinion is they suit me better
than they suit her.

♪

Oh.

Hmm.

You are not going to believe
what happened to me today,

and I'm going to tell you over dinner.
Kim gave me a bonus.

Oh. Heh. Well, thanks, but I think I'm
just gonna call it an early night.

Uh... Stacy, um, we kissed,
and that meant something to me.

But if it means nothing to you,
then let me know,

as quickly and painlessly
as possible.

Fred, I like you.

I like you too.

But when things start out all intense,
they fizzle fast.

I don't want us to be Renee
Zellweger and Kenny Chesney.

I want us to be like Al and Tipper,
I mean, before they split up.

They were together
for, like, 40 years.

Okay. I got it.

How about this?

It's just dinner.

That sounds great.
I'll even let you pay.

Well, let's not get too crazy.

♪

Hey, how's the fresh air.

I need some.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah, just processing the day.

Vanessa and I broke up.

What?

I thought everything
was going so well.

You met the parents.
And I wasn't ready.

I didn't realize it
until we were at dinner

and they started talking
about the future.

Grandkids and a beach house,
and my palms started to sweat.

Wow.

Told Vanessa I wasn't ready.

Well, you know,
at least you were honest.

Yeah, she said the same thing.
Hmm.

Then she asked about Deb.

And I admitted that a future with her
never scared me.

♪

Grayson, I don't know
if that's exactly true.

What?

[LAUGHS]

Sorry, well, Stacy told me
what happened that time

around Christmas.

Oh...

♪

Sorry I'm late.
Hey, no worries. I'm starving.

I almost ate bread.

I was looking everywhere
for my green and red sweater.

I wear it every Christmas.
I gave that to Goodwill.

What?
It had holes in elbows,

and it was a rayon blend.

I'm pretty sure Santa put a brand-new
cashmere sweater under the tree,

so let's order.
I love that sweater.

You'll love the new one.
You can't just throw my stuff out.

Whoa, I'm sorry. I didn't think...
That's your problem.

Sometimes,
you don't think about how I feel.

I said I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

JANE:
I heard it became a pretty big fight.

I felt awful. I made her cry.

Stacy said it was the night

before you were supposed
to meet Deb's parents, right?

Yeah, I know where you're going.

I suppose I was nervous
about our future together,

so I picked a fight
over a stupid sweater.

I was a jerk.
I'm sure she understood.

[ONE ESKIMO'S "KANDI" PLAYING]

Look, I am not saying that Vanessa's
the right woman for you, but...

But I have to let go of the past.
You can't get it back, right?

At least not in the exact same way.

I wish you could've met Deb.
She would've liked you.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I'm sure
I would've liked her too.

Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha.

It was my favorite sweater.
All right. I know.

[JANE GIGGLES]

♪