Drive Share (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Backbiting Besties - full transcript
Frenemies go on a ride and a driver and passenger play some games.
Hey, so we're just gonna make
a left up here,
going to St. Martha's Vineyard.
Oh sweet. Is that a--
Just for brunch.
Mimosa's bottomless.
Actually if you can make a right up here.
We're picking up Jenny.
She's... she's real sweet.
She's, um...
she's not from here.
She's Australian.
- Oh, awesome. -Yeah.
So she doesn't, like, understand
a lot of the things we say, but it's
partially 'cause she's not from here
and partially 'cause she's,
like, a little stupid.
She's very stupid.
- But she's, you know--
- She's your friend.
She's my friend.
She's a really nice person.
- Right, right.
- But she's just like dumb as bricks
and, like, kind of slutty. Like, I mean
I don't wanna, like, say this about her
because she's
my friend but, like...
she'll just like put
her mouth on anything.
Last night we went out and I
was, like, talking to this guy
and I was like, "Oh, you're cute.
You look like you have money."
- And then she just swoops right in.
- Oh.
And was just like drooling from the
mouth, like she's just ready to go down.
- Yeah. -Yeah, no, she's good,
great to go dancing with,
but I just, like,
I fucking hate her.
I mean she drives me crazy
and her voice kind of...
it feels like nails on a
chalkboard, you know?
- Oh! -But like it's
a, it's a, like...
ugh, a grossed out
feeling you get.
But at the end of the day
because you're both women...
- Yeah.
- You feel a bond.
No, I feel
competitive and angry.
Yeah, just right up here.
Great.
- See how she's, like,
kind of dumpy? -Oh.
And, like,
it's just kind of a mess.
Hey, sweetie girl.
How are you? I missed you.
- I know. I missed you too.
- I love your outfit. You look so comfy.
Thank you!
- This is nice!
- Thank you.
Oh my God, is it plastic?
Look at that. Little newborn baby.
Congratulations, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, we're so excited.
I can feel the love you guys
have for each other in the car.
- Top flight parents of the year.
- Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna be using the phone?
The phone is gonna be on?
Yes, I'm using the GPS,
just trying to get you
to your destination the most
efficient way possible.
I got you. Um, we, we,
would rather you not.
- Okay... -Just 'cause, I
mean, we got a baby, you know?
I don't want you to look down, look
back up right into the back of a truck.
You know, um... technically,
there's nothing wrong with that.
I kind of know,
it's just for backup, you know.
So you're saying
you know where we live?
How would you know
where we lived?
- How--
- 'Cause you gave me the address.
See, this is already unsafe.
We just had a baby
and people know where we live.
Okay. I'm not gonna do
nothing to you.
I don't care about you
or your bab--
You don't care?
You are driving us!
I mean, we have a newborn child.
You need to care.
We need you to care.
I care, but I mean,
I don't care to get
in your business.
Okay. Well-- okay.
I'll put it on airplane mode?
Please don't put it
on airplane mode.
This baby is too young
to be flying.
Okay, I'll just turn it off.
What neighborhood
are you taking us through?
I'm seeing way too many
dairy stores.
- Our baby is lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, already.
That's not gonna affect
the baby's digestive system.
- It's just a store.
- Are you a doctor?
I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a doctor.
Yeah, I didn't think
you were a doctor.
I'm scared of this man.
He's not woke.
- You asleep right now?
- I apologize.
I appreciate the love that you two have
for each other and your baby, you know.
Before you said you didn't care about
us, so it made me a little nervous.
I don't know who to trust.
You got two faces. You must be a Gemini.
How do you know my horoscope?
I am a Gemini.
- You owe me 20 dollars.
- Why?
- Pete and Maggie had a baby,
they didn't break up. - You know what?
She bet me that our friends wouldn't
stay married, that they would break up.
That makes me seem
like a really negative person.
Every one of our friends
that's gotten married,
- you've bet against the marriage.
- That's true. And what am I?
I'm at seventy-five
percent success.
- My wife was similar.
- Similar to what?
- My wife would always
bet against... -Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Other people's relationships.
It turns out it was just her
way of expressing pessimism
about her relationship with me
that she was actually in.
- That's what I said. -I 'm not betting
against it. I just don't think--
I said your inherent mistrust
of the institution of marriage
makes me concerned
about our marriage.
- Oh, God. -Did you have
kids, your wife and you?
- No, no.
- Let's not.
- We're talking about--
- We're not talking about it.
- We're talking about not having one.
- We're talking about it.
It's one of the things
you're talking about in therapy.
You know what, you carry it.
If you wanna have it, then you find
a way to get pregnant and carry it.
That's such a passive-aggressive...
like "you carry it."
When you know
that's not possible.
- I know. I don't wanna do it.
- I would if I could.
- Oh, really?
- I would love nothing more
than to have that bond,
to have those months.
Where would you carry the baby?
In in my uterus,
in my male uterus.
- You know how many hours--
- Like the movie Junior.
...a day--
Like the movie Junior?
Where Arnold Schwarzenegger
gets pregnant.
You know what else
happens to your vagina?
It gets so stretched out,
that every time you walk,
you're queefing.
- So do some Kegels.
- No, it doesn't--
I've been begging you
to do Kegels for years.
Why don't you get
a smaller dick?
Wow.
It's a red flag in relationships when you
start resenting basic biological realities.
Some women would love to be with
a guy who has a large member.
- It's not just large.
- That's like a covetable thing.
No, no. Sir, sir,
it's not just large,
it's very big at the top
and then it narrows down
when it gets to the base.
- Yeah, Slugger.
- Yeah, it's a Louisville Slugger.
It's like a Louisville Slugger.
Do you know what that feels like?
Who are we picking up?
- Kylie.
- Kylie.
- And she's a good friend of yours?
- She's such a sweet girl.
She's really close.
So you guys had
a big time last night?
We did.
We had a really nice time.
- Really good time. I had so much fun.
- Met a special guy.
Yeah, how was that for you?
It was nice.
I hope you don't feel bad about that.
No, no, I want you to be happy.
You're my friend.
He's so sweet. And I think his type is
kind of like sweet and pretty girls.
So I could-- I sort of see
what happened there.
- Yeah.
- With you, no...
- Right. I'm-- -You're like a...
you're like a glamazon.
You're like a sexy glamazon
leather jacket kind of girl.
Yeah, more like a busty--
And I'm just like a sweet
and pretty girl.
Did you blow him?
- I mean I don't wanna--
- Did you? Just tell me.
- Oh, did you?
- Is the driver, um...
- It's okay, I don't-- -Driver,
can you cover your ears for a second?
There's no way for me to physically
drive while I cover my ears.
Did you fucking blow him?
Yeah.
Hey, you slut!
-Clearly, I know what happened.
- Sorry? -I know that you blew the guy.
It's...
- How did-- what?
- You're being such a perv right now.
We're trying
to have a conversation.
Yeah, it's pretty inappropriate
to speak to me like that.
What's your number?
What's your like registration number?
- Do you have a special number? -I can give
you my thing. You can rate me at the end.
- Yeah. -And just so you know,
I can rate you guys also, so...
Let me just see if she's coming.
Look, I took this picture
from under her skirt yesterday.
-Ah!
She's got much thicker legs
than I realized.
Oh God, she's never
gonna make it out.
She's always late,
it's very embarrassing for her.
She's always like, "This shirt or this
shirt? Do I look fat in this shirt?"
And it's like, "Yes, you should've dropped
ten pounds before you left the house."
- Yeah, she looks fat in everything.
- Oh, there she is.
- Hi! How are you?
- Hi! I'm so sorry.
You guys weren't
waiting long, right?
- A little while, but it's fine.
- It was fine.
I wasn't that hungry.
So now I am hungry.
- She's so quiet.
- He ain't got time to talk.
- We named her Naomi.
- Oh, Naomi.
It means pleasant.
That's in the Bible.
Yeah, Naomi Campbell.
That's the one that comes to mind.
- Oh, don't--
- Don't put that on our child.
Just saying Naomi Campbell's
a world-renowned model--
My baby is not gonna be a model.
My baby's gonna be a scientist.
A scientist or the first
female NFL quarterback.
First, I think you don't care about your baby
if you want her to be a NFL quarterback.
- Do you know how they get
concussions-- -Are you a doctor?
- I saw concussion.
- Did you go to medical school?
- Have you not seen concussion? -No. But I
saw Draft Day, and there was no women in it.
Okay, I don't need to watch Kevin Costner
movies 'cause I think he's flat in all of them.
He was fantastic in the Bodyguard.
You stop that.
- Whitney Houston carried that role.
- Don't know who that is.
- Kevin Costner is flat.
- I don't trust this man. Please, don't--
I'm sorry, I just-- I just found
an area to bond. I'm sorry.
- That's right.
- I forgot to put the "Baby On Board."
- Oh my God. You wanna turn around.
- We need to go back.
Why go back because you
forgot to put a sticker on?
We've been driving this whole
time without it.
Nobody knew
we had a baby on board.
Okay, we could just put it
back on and continue.
It's not gonna retroactively
make your baby safer
- if we go all the way back.
- Are you doctor?
- Ask him again.
- Did you go to medical school?
- I didn't go to medical school.
- Okay, then.
- Yeah, doctors don't drive.
- We need to go back.
- I'll just put it on.
- We'll be all right.
I'll just, just put it--
I'll put it right here, okay?
There. Is everyone happy?
- Yes. -I don't even know
how this is gonna work.
It's not like people are trying
to actively kill people in a car
and then see "Baby On Board" and are
like "I'm not gonna crash into them."
- This man is asleep!
- You're not woke, bro.
You know who is asleep?
Your baby.
- My baby is asleep.
- Baby is asleep.
Baby is asleep. Okay?
Oh, Naomi's so quiet.
- And I think she picked
up my demeanor. -Yeah.
- I don't think you're quiet.
- What are you saying about my wife?
- I'm not saying anything.
- Are you saying she is loud?
Are you saying that I'm loud?
I'm not loud!
- We aren't a loud family.
- Wait, you said I'm loud?
Say it again! I dare you.
Say it again. I'm not loud.
You know what--
- One thing I know about myself
is that I'm not loud.
That was one
of the biggest qualities
I saw in her
when I met her on Tinder.
- Is not being loud?
- Yes, being quiet.
I'm quiet!
- That sounds misogynistic.
You want a quiet,
submissive woman.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Is he a doctor?
- Are you, are you a doctor?
- Is he a doctor?
Are you saying I'm a misogynist?
That's not even a doctor term.
That's just--
- You're diagnosing him with misogynist.
- You diagnosed me.
You're asleep!
You're not woke.
You're asleep!
If I wanted to be at a kid's
birthday party today--
- It was a christening. -Whatever.
It's the same thing. Who cares?
It's not the same thing. You know that at one
point I looked over and you were asleep?
I don't wanna be in a church. I don't
need to be a part of this baby's life.
- The church was a tiny part.
- That person is a work friend of yours.
- You are my life partner. -Who did I meet?
Who did I meet of value?
You were asleep
the fucking whole time.
I was asleep
for maybe thirty seconds.
That's so weird.
It's 2 p.m. No, no.
I'm like that.
I fall asleep all the time.
- See? Thank you.
- That doesn't make me feel good.
- You're a driver. -Well...
but I mean I can doze off
pretty much, I mean, instantly.
- Sure, if you don't have a ride.
- Don't tell people.
And sort of the motion... to me,
it's like the motion and sort of the air.
- I could fall asleep right
here right now. -Me too.
That's not something to brag about.
It's called engagement with life.
That's what it's called,
engagement with life?
Yes, engagement with life.
Engage with the present moment
as you're always groaning on
and on about.
Yes, I'd love to engage
with sleeping right now.
Sometimes I just want you
to shut up and just...
watch, you know, an episode
of House Hunters with me.
- Huh! -Like,
why can't it just be that?
- It's fake.
- You don't know that!
I know it!
I sent you that article!
I sent you
that BuzzFeed article!
- Whoa, whoa.
- It is fake!
That BuzzFeed article I sent
told you it was fake!
Why don't you believe me?
Because they don't always
take the unfinished one.
- What about Belize?
- Belize is an outlier!
- Belize is an outlier!
- What about Stockholm?
- Stockholm is not real.
- Yes, it had--
I'm not gonna have much because
I'm feeling a little frumpy.
I love this outfit. It's like definitely the
best outfit you've ever chosen for yourself.
Does it look
like I'm trying to cover?
'Cause I was like,
why am I layering?
- I mean not a bad way.
- It covers what you wanna cover.
Yeah, it covers
all the right things.
So you girls had a big night
last night?
- Yeah.
- He just keeps interrupting.
We're talking.
We are the friends.
I think he's trying
to be friends with us.
I just want to say that I'm a
human being and I can hear you.
- That's it.
- Sorry, what?
- I'm a human being.
- Uh-huh.
Being, you're being a human,
like it's hard for you?
And I can hear you.
I hear what people
say in my car.
And when you talk about me,
I can hear you. That's it.
It's hard to hear you 'cause you've
got quite a thin, small voice
even though you're clearly
a very tall man.
Guys, I need to hydrate.
It is hot.
Your skin looks really dry.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
You're starting
to get those patches.
Do you have water?
No, I didn't think to bring
any water, sorry.
It's considered part of the
service to get some water.
Just put it on my rating, okay?
Why put the bare
minimum into something?
Just try harder.
Put in some effort.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Oh, my--
Shut your fucking mouths!
All of you talk
shit about each other
before you got in the car, okay?
You're not friends.
You hate each other.
Each of you is a terrible bitch!
Stop filming this!
Do not film this!
You're fucking terrible,
horrible!
She was talking shit about you
before you got in the car, okay?
And she was talking shit about
you before you got in the car!
- We definitely weren't.
- You're not even friends!
Don't believe this guy.
You're not even friends!
- We are having the best time.
- This is a really great morning.
I feel bonded.
- Oh, oh. -Jesus Christ, man!
What happened to you?
Hollyweird happened to me.
I don't know you guys live here.
I was outside
the Mann's Chinese Theatre.
I saw Freddy Krueger,
who is just as scary in person
as he is in the movies.
I asked him for a photograph and
he took one with me and my family.
And then he was like, "Give me 20
dollars." "I don't have 20 dollars."
And then he stabbed me with one
of his Freddy Krueger fingers.
- I was like, "I'm in the movie!"
- You're not in the movie.
You were stabbed by a grifter.
We're bringing you to a hospital.
Bring me to the hospital
where they shoot Grey's Anatomy.
I want to meet McDreamy.
I once had a dream
that Patrick Dempsey
told me never to give up.
That's the truth.
It's so funny,
I actually had the same dream.
- Were you on a boat?
- I was.
I was on a boat.
And he came up to me and he said,
"Never give up."
What is it about Patrick Dempsey?
What is it?
That's so crazy. I mean I can't
believe we have the same exact dream.
- Yeah.
- Let me ask you a question.
I've got this commercial
audition tomorrow.
It's sort of like this
antacid commercial and, um...
you know, I'd just do it for you,
I won't even spoil it for you.
So just like, Oh!
Oh... just got
this burning pit in my chest.
-Uf!
Sometimes when I'm at work,
my indigestion gets real bad.
Thank goodness for Bygones.
- One Bygone...
- I can't--
and I can kiss
my indigestion by-gone."
Did you buy that I have like a
burning sensation in the chest?
- In the chest?
- Yeah, yeah.
'Cause I feel like-- you know,
I think I approach commercial acting
a little bit differently than some
of people. I took a commercial class.
So for me,
I kind of I'm always approaching it
from a more animalistic place, I was
trying to think, like, what does the sound
of someone with like
bad heartburn, like...
- No, that's too much.
It's like "uhh."
"Uh." You see, again,
you're pushing.
- You're pushing it.
- Yeah, I--
It's when you feel like that kind
of stabbing pain in your chest,
-you're like, "Ah!"
Too guttural. I don't mean to judge,
but I'm in a Meisner class right now
and you know, it's all about,
like, repetition
and, you know,
kind of creating-- -Help.
- "Help," yeah. "Help."
- Help. Doctor.
Bygone! Help!
- Hospital...
- No, see? That's too much.
- It's just antacid, you know.
- Hospital...
No, I don't want to go
to the hospital.
I wanna do like "Oh..."
Or maybe I sh--
Maybe my character wants
to go to the hospital,
but then when he has a Bygone,
he doesn't need to go.
There, you see,
that's a good as if.
That's a really good as if.
Those oysters were so wet.
-Speaking of wet.
I'm gonna go down on you right now.
I'm going down on you. I'm sorry.
I got to go down on her.
Just saying, I'll end the fare
if you guys do that, so.
- Oh, really? Whatever.
- Whatever.
Okay, wait, wait. Okay, wait.
Wait, wait.
Wait, before we do that,
what is your first name?
I don't even know your--
- Julie.
- And your last name?
Yang.
- You're Yang?
- Yeah, I'm a Yang.
I'm a Yang!
Well, I mean I'm Anderson,
but my real last name is Yang.
What do mean
your real last name?
- I was adopted.
- Oh my God, I was adopted too.
- Really?
- That is so sexy.
Adoptee sex. We are about
to have some adoptee sex.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I got to show you this photo.
This is me in Guangdong
when I was a baby.
You know, I only have one photo
of me when I was a baby, and...
it looks like the same photo.
- There's like a boy and a girl.
- A girl...
- And like, the girl's me.
- The boy's me.
You're my sister?
I'm your sister.
I was just about
to eat your pussy.
Oh my God. Oh my God!
Oh my God.
- Hey!
- Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
You're my sister.
No, I think it's--
I think it's ludicrous.
I think for us...
we need to be in a better place.
- God, this is so boring.
- We need to be a happier couple.
I wish I had a tape of this.
I wish I had a tape on this.
You want me to record
this on my iPhone?
- Sure, press record please.
- Oh, iPhone.
Oh, I'm out of memory.
- Can you record it on yours?
- You're out of memory?
- Yes.
- Well, delete some of the videos
of stuff you want to buy.
I have a Pinterest page that
I am building with my friend
about the ten items that every
woman should have in their wardrobe.
Okay, see? Nonsense.
This is the kind of nonsense
we're filled with.
This is it, technology.
- Oh my God.
- That's the thing right there.
Pinterest and pictures
and videos.
- It's not-- it's noise.
- What did Pinterest ever do to you?
It takes you away from me.
You know I don't mean
to talk out of turn but...
it seems to me that you should
take time out of your life.
- For myself.
- For yourself.
- To relax.
- Yeah.
And maybe you should let your wife
explore different sides of her identity
and not hold her
to who she's always been.
It's never too late for us
to have a new beginning.
The whole point of a relationship
is to stay with each other
as we grow and change
over a lifetime.
Whoa... that was...
-That was right on the money.
- It was right on the money.
- That, like...
- that cut right through me.
- It really hit me. To the core.
This is really weird...
but would you mind if we, like,
took a ride with you every Sunday?
Can we request you?
Is that possible?
- Sure, yeah. -Can we have
your cell phone or do we--?
Just through the app is fine.
- Just thank you.
- Thank you.
I feel like I'm committed
to doing some of the things
- that he said, and just--
- So insightful.
- Like, that's like real insights into us.
- In real life.
And I feel like I am scared.
Exactly what he said,
like I'm scared.
You're my sister.
- Oh, God.
- This is incredible.
You know, I really
could have used you growing up.
really struggled
with my American parents.
They were so poor. But at least if I
had you, we could've struggled together.
What do you mean?
Like how poor?
Oh God, you know how it is.
When I turned 12,
they couldn't
even afford a training bra.
I had to cup my own breasts.
You cupped with your hands?
Yeah, with my hands
everywhere I went.
What's your family like?
Was your family poor like mine?
Uh, no, I mean,
we were like comfortable.
Being adopted was so hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was tough.
Like, um... sometimes,
like, we'd ride horses
and like the horses would
just like not be in the mood.
Wait a minute.
You owned horses?
- Well--
- Did you grow up in a house?
Yeah, like, um,
like several houses.
- Sounds like you were rich.
- Yeah.
My dad invented baby corn
and then baby carrots,
any kind of tiny vegetable.
Yeah... Wait, what are you...?
You're my sister.
What are you doing?
-I'm just so happy to see you.
No, this is amazing.
It's, it's, it's pretty crazy.
- It's crazy!
- Yeah.
And now we can
take care of each other.
You can, like, buy me a mansion
and give me a Lamborghini
and, like, food and medicine.
Um, okay, well, I...
let me just take a photo of you real fast.
I just want to take
a photo of my sister.
- "Take care..."
- Oh, yes.
"...of this woman.
Make it look like an accident."
This is just all code
for like, you know--
Code for like, give me money,
give her money, give her money.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Honey, he's gonna kill you.
Can you turn around
for a second?
- Thank you.
- Oh, fuck.
- I'm sorry, I have to--
- My life's gonna change.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, where are you going?
- We're still moving!
- Oh my God!
Target on sight,
fire when ready.
She's gonna be in our sight
at all times. I quit working.
- What were you doing before?
- I didn't even put in two weeks.
- Don't tell me you're doing an important
job. -I was a cancer researcher.
- On the brink of figuring it out.
- We were right there.
And you just stopped when you were on the
brink of curing cancer just to have a baby?
What's more important
than my baby?
Um, the cancer and
eradicating it
so all humanity
doesn't have to suffer from it.
I don't know anyone with cancer,
not my business.
And eradicating it?
There were no rats in there.
- Really?
- Your vocabulary is disgusting
'cause you're misusing words
left and right.
And you said
you went to medical school.
I never said that.
You said I was a doctor.
- I swear I heard him.
- Where did you go to college?
- Tuskegee University.
- That's an all-black...
a left up here,
going to St. Martha's Vineyard.
Oh sweet. Is that a--
Just for brunch.
Mimosa's bottomless.
Actually if you can make a right up here.
We're picking up Jenny.
She's... she's real sweet.
She's, um...
she's not from here.
She's Australian.
- Oh, awesome. -Yeah.
So she doesn't, like, understand
a lot of the things we say, but it's
partially 'cause she's not from here
and partially 'cause she's,
like, a little stupid.
She's very stupid.
- But she's, you know--
- She's your friend.
She's my friend.
She's a really nice person.
- Right, right.
- But she's just like dumb as bricks
and, like, kind of slutty. Like, I mean
I don't wanna, like, say this about her
because she's
my friend but, like...
she'll just like put
her mouth on anything.
Last night we went out and I
was, like, talking to this guy
and I was like, "Oh, you're cute.
You look like you have money."
- And then she just swoops right in.
- Oh.
And was just like drooling from the
mouth, like she's just ready to go down.
- Yeah. -Yeah, no, she's good,
great to go dancing with,
but I just, like,
I fucking hate her.
I mean she drives me crazy
and her voice kind of...
it feels like nails on a
chalkboard, you know?
- Oh! -But like it's
a, it's a, like...
ugh, a grossed out
feeling you get.
But at the end of the day
because you're both women...
- Yeah.
- You feel a bond.
No, I feel
competitive and angry.
Yeah, just right up here.
Great.
- See how she's, like,
kind of dumpy? -Oh.
And, like,
it's just kind of a mess.
Hey, sweetie girl.
How are you? I missed you.
- I know. I missed you too.
- I love your outfit. You look so comfy.
Thank you!
- This is nice!
- Thank you.
Oh my God, is it plastic?
Look at that. Little newborn baby.
Congratulations, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, we're so excited.
I can feel the love you guys
have for each other in the car.
- Top flight parents of the year.
- Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna be using the phone?
The phone is gonna be on?
Yes, I'm using the GPS,
just trying to get you
to your destination the most
efficient way possible.
I got you. Um, we, we,
would rather you not.
- Okay... -Just 'cause, I
mean, we got a baby, you know?
I don't want you to look down, look
back up right into the back of a truck.
You know, um... technically,
there's nothing wrong with that.
I kind of know,
it's just for backup, you know.
So you're saying
you know where we live?
How would you know
where we lived?
- How--
- 'Cause you gave me the address.
See, this is already unsafe.
We just had a baby
and people know where we live.
Okay. I'm not gonna do
nothing to you.
I don't care about you
or your bab--
You don't care?
You are driving us!
I mean, we have a newborn child.
You need to care.
We need you to care.
I care, but I mean,
I don't care to get
in your business.
Okay. Well-- okay.
I'll put it on airplane mode?
Please don't put it
on airplane mode.
This baby is too young
to be flying.
Okay, I'll just turn it off.
What neighborhood
are you taking us through?
I'm seeing way too many
dairy stores.
- Our baby is lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, already.
That's not gonna affect
the baby's digestive system.
- It's just a store.
- Are you a doctor?
I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a doctor.
Yeah, I didn't think
you were a doctor.
I'm scared of this man.
He's not woke.
- You asleep right now?
- I apologize.
I appreciate the love that you two have
for each other and your baby, you know.
Before you said you didn't care about
us, so it made me a little nervous.
I don't know who to trust.
You got two faces. You must be a Gemini.
How do you know my horoscope?
I am a Gemini.
- You owe me 20 dollars.
- Why?
- Pete and Maggie had a baby,
they didn't break up. - You know what?
She bet me that our friends wouldn't
stay married, that they would break up.
That makes me seem
like a really negative person.
Every one of our friends
that's gotten married,
- you've bet against the marriage.
- That's true. And what am I?
I'm at seventy-five
percent success.
- My wife was similar.
- Similar to what?
- My wife would always
bet against... -Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Other people's relationships.
It turns out it was just her
way of expressing pessimism
about her relationship with me
that she was actually in.
- That's what I said. -I 'm not betting
against it. I just don't think--
I said your inherent mistrust
of the institution of marriage
makes me concerned
about our marriage.
- Oh, God. -Did you have
kids, your wife and you?
- No, no.
- Let's not.
- We're talking about--
- We're not talking about it.
- We're talking about not having one.
- We're talking about it.
It's one of the things
you're talking about in therapy.
You know what, you carry it.
If you wanna have it, then you find
a way to get pregnant and carry it.
That's such a passive-aggressive...
like "you carry it."
When you know
that's not possible.
- I know. I don't wanna do it.
- I would if I could.
- Oh, really?
- I would love nothing more
than to have that bond,
to have those months.
Where would you carry the baby?
In in my uterus,
in my male uterus.
- You know how many hours--
- Like the movie Junior.
...a day--
Like the movie Junior?
Where Arnold Schwarzenegger
gets pregnant.
You know what else
happens to your vagina?
It gets so stretched out,
that every time you walk,
you're queefing.
- So do some Kegels.
- No, it doesn't--
I've been begging you
to do Kegels for years.
Why don't you get
a smaller dick?
Wow.
It's a red flag in relationships when you
start resenting basic biological realities.
Some women would love to be with
a guy who has a large member.
- It's not just large.
- That's like a covetable thing.
No, no. Sir, sir,
it's not just large,
it's very big at the top
and then it narrows down
when it gets to the base.
- Yeah, Slugger.
- Yeah, it's a Louisville Slugger.
It's like a Louisville Slugger.
Do you know what that feels like?
Who are we picking up?
- Kylie.
- Kylie.
- And she's a good friend of yours?
- She's such a sweet girl.
She's really close.
So you guys had
a big time last night?
We did.
We had a really nice time.
- Really good time. I had so much fun.
- Met a special guy.
Yeah, how was that for you?
It was nice.
I hope you don't feel bad about that.
No, no, I want you to be happy.
You're my friend.
He's so sweet. And I think his type is
kind of like sweet and pretty girls.
So I could-- I sort of see
what happened there.
- Yeah.
- With you, no...
- Right. I'm-- -You're like a...
you're like a glamazon.
You're like a sexy glamazon
leather jacket kind of girl.
Yeah, more like a busty--
And I'm just like a sweet
and pretty girl.
Did you blow him?
- I mean I don't wanna--
- Did you? Just tell me.
- Oh, did you?
- Is the driver, um...
- It's okay, I don't-- -Driver,
can you cover your ears for a second?
There's no way for me to physically
drive while I cover my ears.
Did you fucking blow him?
Yeah.
Hey, you slut!
-Clearly, I know what happened.
- Sorry? -I know that you blew the guy.
It's...
- How did-- what?
- You're being such a perv right now.
We're trying
to have a conversation.
Yeah, it's pretty inappropriate
to speak to me like that.
What's your number?
What's your like registration number?
- Do you have a special number? -I can give
you my thing. You can rate me at the end.
- Yeah. -And just so you know,
I can rate you guys also, so...
Let me just see if she's coming.
Look, I took this picture
from under her skirt yesterday.
-Ah!
She's got much thicker legs
than I realized.
Oh God, she's never
gonna make it out.
She's always late,
it's very embarrassing for her.
She's always like, "This shirt or this
shirt? Do I look fat in this shirt?"
And it's like, "Yes, you should've dropped
ten pounds before you left the house."
- Yeah, she looks fat in everything.
- Oh, there she is.
- Hi! How are you?
- Hi! I'm so sorry.
You guys weren't
waiting long, right?
- A little while, but it's fine.
- It was fine.
I wasn't that hungry.
So now I am hungry.
- She's so quiet.
- He ain't got time to talk.
- We named her Naomi.
- Oh, Naomi.
It means pleasant.
That's in the Bible.
Yeah, Naomi Campbell.
That's the one that comes to mind.
- Oh, don't--
- Don't put that on our child.
Just saying Naomi Campbell's
a world-renowned model--
My baby is not gonna be a model.
My baby's gonna be a scientist.
A scientist or the first
female NFL quarterback.
First, I think you don't care about your baby
if you want her to be a NFL quarterback.
- Do you know how they get
concussions-- -Are you a doctor?
- I saw concussion.
- Did you go to medical school?
- Have you not seen concussion? -No. But I
saw Draft Day, and there was no women in it.
Okay, I don't need to watch Kevin Costner
movies 'cause I think he's flat in all of them.
He was fantastic in the Bodyguard.
You stop that.
- Whitney Houston carried that role.
- Don't know who that is.
- Kevin Costner is flat.
- I don't trust this man. Please, don't--
I'm sorry, I just-- I just found
an area to bond. I'm sorry.
- That's right.
- I forgot to put the "Baby On Board."
- Oh my God. You wanna turn around.
- We need to go back.
Why go back because you
forgot to put a sticker on?
We've been driving this whole
time without it.
Nobody knew
we had a baby on board.
Okay, we could just put it
back on and continue.
It's not gonna retroactively
make your baby safer
- if we go all the way back.
- Are you doctor?
- Ask him again.
- Did you go to medical school?
- I didn't go to medical school.
- Okay, then.
- Yeah, doctors don't drive.
- We need to go back.
- I'll just put it on.
- We'll be all right.
I'll just, just put it--
I'll put it right here, okay?
There. Is everyone happy?
- Yes. -I don't even know
how this is gonna work.
It's not like people are trying
to actively kill people in a car
and then see "Baby On Board" and are
like "I'm not gonna crash into them."
- This man is asleep!
- You're not woke, bro.
You know who is asleep?
Your baby.
- My baby is asleep.
- Baby is asleep.
Baby is asleep. Okay?
Oh, Naomi's so quiet.
- And I think she picked
up my demeanor. -Yeah.
- I don't think you're quiet.
- What are you saying about my wife?
- I'm not saying anything.
- Are you saying she is loud?
Are you saying that I'm loud?
I'm not loud!
- We aren't a loud family.
- Wait, you said I'm loud?
Say it again! I dare you.
Say it again. I'm not loud.
You know what--
- One thing I know about myself
is that I'm not loud.
That was one
of the biggest qualities
I saw in her
when I met her on Tinder.
- Is not being loud?
- Yes, being quiet.
I'm quiet!
- That sounds misogynistic.
You want a quiet,
submissive woman.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Is he a doctor?
- Are you, are you a doctor?
- Is he a doctor?
Are you saying I'm a misogynist?
That's not even a doctor term.
That's just--
- You're diagnosing him with misogynist.
- You diagnosed me.
You're asleep!
You're not woke.
You're asleep!
If I wanted to be at a kid's
birthday party today--
- It was a christening. -Whatever.
It's the same thing. Who cares?
It's not the same thing. You know that at one
point I looked over and you were asleep?
I don't wanna be in a church. I don't
need to be a part of this baby's life.
- The church was a tiny part.
- That person is a work friend of yours.
- You are my life partner. -Who did I meet?
Who did I meet of value?
You were asleep
the fucking whole time.
I was asleep
for maybe thirty seconds.
That's so weird.
It's 2 p.m. No, no.
I'm like that.
I fall asleep all the time.
- See? Thank you.
- That doesn't make me feel good.
- You're a driver. -Well...
but I mean I can doze off
pretty much, I mean, instantly.
- Sure, if you don't have a ride.
- Don't tell people.
And sort of the motion... to me,
it's like the motion and sort of the air.
- I could fall asleep right
here right now. -Me too.
That's not something to brag about.
It's called engagement with life.
That's what it's called,
engagement with life?
Yes, engagement with life.
Engage with the present moment
as you're always groaning on
and on about.
Yes, I'd love to engage
with sleeping right now.
Sometimes I just want you
to shut up and just...
watch, you know, an episode
of House Hunters with me.
- Huh! -Like,
why can't it just be that?
- It's fake.
- You don't know that!
I know it!
I sent you that article!
I sent you
that BuzzFeed article!
- Whoa, whoa.
- It is fake!
That BuzzFeed article I sent
told you it was fake!
Why don't you believe me?
Because they don't always
take the unfinished one.
- What about Belize?
- Belize is an outlier!
- Belize is an outlier!
- What about Stockholm?
- Stockholm is not real.
- Yes, it had--
I'm not gonna have much because
I'm feeling a little frumpy.
I love this outfit. It's like definitely the
best outfit you've ever chosen for yourself.
Does it look
like I'm trying to cover?
'Cause I was like,
why am I layering?
- I mean not a bad way.
- It covers what you wanna cover.
Yeah, it covers
all the right things.
So you girls had a big night
last night?
- Yeah.
- He just keeps interrupting.
We're talking.
We are the friends.
I think he's trying
to be friends with us.
I just want to say that I'm a
human being and I can hear you.
- That's it.
- Sorry, what?
- I'm a human being.
- Uh-huh.
Being, you're being a human,
like it's hard for you?
And I can hear you.
I hear what people
say in my car.
And when you talk about me,
I can hear you. That's it.
It's hard to hear you 'cause you've
got quite a thin, small voice
even though you're clearly
a very tall man.
Guys, I need to hydrate.
It is hot.
Your skin looks really dry.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
You're starting
to get those patches.
Do you have water?
No, I didn't think to bring
any water, sorry.
It's considered part of the
service to get some water.
Just put it on my rating, okay?
Why put the bare
minimum into something?
Just try harder.
Put in some effort.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Oh, my--
Shut your fucking mouths!
All of you talk
shit about each other
before you got in the car, okay?
You're not friends.
You hate each other.
Each of you is a terrible bitch!
Stop filming this!
Do not film this!
You're fucking terrible,
horrible!
She was talking shit about you
before you got in the car, okay?
And she was talking shit about
you before you got in the car!
- We definitely weren't.
- You're not even friends!
Don't believe this guy.
You're not even friends!
- We are having the best time.
- This is a really great morning.
I feel bonded.
- Oh, oh. -Jesus Christ, man!
What happened to you?
Hollyweird happened to me.
I don't know you guys live here.
I was outside
the Mann's Chinese Theatre.
I saw Freddy Krueger,
who is just as scary in person
as he is in the movies.
I asked him for a photograph and
he took one with me and my family.
And then he was like, "Give me 20
dollars." "I don't have 20 dollars."
And then he stabbed me with one
of his Freddy Krueger fingers.
- I was like, "I'm in the movie!"
- You're not in the movie.
You were stabbed by a grifter.
We're bringing you to a hospital.
Bring me to the hospital
where they shoot Grey's Anatomy.
I want to meet McDreamy.
I once had a dream
that Patrick Dempsey
told me never to give up.
That's the truth.
It's so funny,
I actually had the same dream.
- Were you on a boat?
- I was.
I was on a boat.
And he came up to me and he said,
"Never give up."
What is it about Patrick Dempsey?
What is it?
That's so crazy. I mean I can't
believe we have the same exact dream.
- Yeah.
- Let me ask you a question.
I've got this commercial
audition tomorrow.
It's sort of like this
antacid commercial and, um...
you know, I'd just do it for you,
I won't even spoil it for you.
So just like, Oh!
Oh... just got
this burning pit in my chest.
-Uf!
Sometimes when I'm at work,
my indigestion gets real bad.
Thank goodness for Bygones.
- One Bygone...
- I can't--
and I can kiss
my indigestion by-gone."
Did you buy that I have like a
burning sensation in the chest?
- In the chest?
- Yeah, yeah.
'Cause I feel like-- you know,
I think I approach commercial acting
a little bit differently than some
of people. I took a commercial class.
So for me,
I kind of I'm always approaching it
from a more animalistic place, I was
trying to think, like, what does the sound
of someone with like
bad heartburn, like...
- No, that's too much.
It's like "uhh."
"Uh." You see, again,
you're pushing.
- You're pushing it.
- Yeah, I--
It's when you feel like that kind
of stabbing pain in your chest,
-you're like, "Ah!"
Too guttural. I don't mean to judge,
but I'm in a Meisner class right now
and you know, it's all about,
like, repetition
and, you know,
kind of creating-- -Help.
- "Help," yeah. "Help."
- Help. Doctor.
Bygone! Help!
- Hospital...
- No, see? That's too much.
- It's just antacid, you know.
- Hospital...
No, I don't want to go
to the hospital.
I wanna do like "Oh..."
Or maybe I sh--
Maybe my character wants
to go to the hospital,
but then when he has a Bygone,
he doesn't need to go.
There, you see,
that's a good as if.
That's a really good as if.
Those oysters were so wet.
-Speaking of wet.
I'm gonna go down on you right now.
I'm going down on you. I'm sorry.
I got to go down on her.
Just saying, I'll end the fare
if you guys do that, so.
- Oh, really? Whatever.
- Whatever.
Okay, wait, wait. Okay, wait.
Wait, wait.
Wait, before we do that,
what is your first name?
I don't even know your--
- Julie.
- And your last name?
Yang.
- You're Yang?
- Yeah, I'm a Yang.
I'm a Yang!
Well, I mean I'm Anderson,
but my real last name is Yang.
What do mean
your real last name?
- I was adopted.
- Oh my God, I was adopted too.
- Really?
- That is so sexy.
Adoptee sex. We are about
to have some adoptee sex.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I got to show you this photo.
This is me in Guangdong
when I was a baby.
You know, I only have one photo
of me when I was a baby, and...
it looks like the same photo.
- There's like a boy and a girl.
- A girl...
- And like, the girl's me.
- The boy's me.
You're my sister?
I'm your sister.
I was just about
to eat your pussy.
Oh my God. Oh my God!
Oh my God.
- Hey!
- Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
You're my sister.
No, I think it's--
I think it's ludicrous.
I think for us...
we need to be in a better place.
- God, this is so boring.
- We need to be a happier couple.
I wish I had a tape of this.
I wish I had a tape on this.
You want me to record
this on my iPhone?
- Sure, press record please.
- Oh, iPhone.
Oh, I'm out of memory.
- Can you record it on yours?
- You're out of memory?
- Yes.
- Well, delete some of the videos
of stuff you want to buy.
I have a Pinterest page that
I am building with my friend
about the ten items that every
woman should have in their wardrobe.
Okay, see? Nonsense.
This is the kind of nonsense
we're filled with.
This is it, technology.
- Oh my God.
- That's the thing right there.
Pinterest and pictures
and videos.
- It's not-- it's noise.
- What did Pinterest ever do to you?
It takes you away from me.
You know I don't mean
to talk out of turn but...
it seems to me that you should
take time out of your life.
- For myself.
- For yourself.
- To relax.
- Yeah.
And maybe you should let your wife
explore different sides of her identity
and not hold her
to who she's always been.
It's never too late for us
to have a new beginning.
The whole point of a relationship
is to stay with each other
as we grow and change
over a lifetime.
Whoa... that was...
-That was right on the money.
- It was right on the money.
- That, like...
- that cut right through me.
- It really hit me. To the core.
This is really weird...
but would you mind if we, like,
took a ride with you every Sunday?
Can we request you?
Is that possible?
- Sure, yeah. -Can we have
your cell phone or do we--?
Just through the app is fine.
- Just thank you.
- Thank you.
I feel like I'm committed
to doing some of the things
- that he said, and just--
- So insightful.
- Like, that's like real insights into us.
- In real life.
And I feel like I am scared.
Exactly what he said,
like I'm scared.
You're my sister.
- Oh, God.
- This is incredible.
You know, I really
could have used you growing up.
really struggled
with my American parents.
They were so poor. But at least if I
had you, we could've struggled together.
What do you mean?
Like how poor?
Oh God, you know how it is.
When I turned 12,
they couldn't
even afford a training bra.
I had to cup my own breasts.
You cupped with your hands?
Yeah, with my hands
everywhere I went.
What's your family like?
Was your family poor like mine?
Uh, no, I mean,
we were like comfortable.
Being adopted was so hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was tough.
Like, um... sometimes,
like, we'd ride horses
and like the horses would
just like not be in the mood.
Wait a minute.
You owned horses?
- Well--
- Did you grow up in a house?
Yeah, like, um,
like several houses.
- Sounds like you were rich.
- Yeah.
My dad invented baby corn
and then baby carrots,
any kind of tiny vegetable.
Yeah... Wait, what are you...?
You're my sister.
What are you doing?
-I'm just so happy to see you.
No, this is amazing.
It's, it's, it's pretty crazy.
- It's crazy!
- Yeah.
And now we can
take care of each other.
You can, like, buy me a mansion
and give me a Lamborghini
and, like, food and medicine.
Um, okay, well, I...
let me just take a photo of you real fast.
I just want to take
a photo of my sister.
- "Take care..."
- Oh, yes.
"...of this woman.
Make it look like an accident."
This is just all code
for like, you know--
Code for like, give me money,
give her money, give her money.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Honey, he's gonna kill you.
Can you turn around
for a second?
- Thank you.
- Oh, fuck.
- I'm sorry, I have to--
- My life's gonna change.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, where are you going?
- We're still moving!
- Oh my God!
Target on sight,
fire when ready.
She's gonna be in our sight
at all times. I quit working.
- What were you doing before?
- I didn't even put in two weeks.
- Don't tell me you're doing an important
job. -I was a cancer researcher.
- On the brink of figuring it out.
- We were right there.
And you just stopped when you were on the
brink of curing cancer just to have a baby?
What's more important
than my baby?
Um, the cancer and
eradicating it
so all humanity
doesn't have to suffer from it.
I don't know anyone with cancer,
not my business.
And eradicating it?
There were no rats in there.
- Really?
- Your vocabulary is disgusting
'cause you're misusing words
left and right.
And you said
you went to medical school.
I never said that.
You said I was a doctor.
- I swear I heard him.
- Where did you go to college?
- Tuskegee University.
- That's an all-black...