Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 9 - Charlotte's Web of Lies - full transcript

CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
Wednesday morning was guys night.

So we were playing our
favourite drinking game.

We watch Drawn Together,

and whenever
anything gay happens,

we all take a shot.

[SNIFFS]

Gay! Drink! Gay! Drink!

Oh. It's already over?

But I'm barely drunk.

Blecch!

So what should we do now?



Let's shave
Ling-Ling's eyebrows.

Yeah! Fu'in eyebrows!

Blecch!

[SHOUTING]

[PANTING]

Xandir?

Xandir?

Guys, he's dead!

Ohh!

What should we do?

Let's get some more beer!

I'll drive! Yay! [BURPS]

[CAPTAIN HERO LAUGHS]

ALL: ♪♪ like makin' love,
love, love, love, love ♪♪



♪♪ I feel like makin' love ♪♪

[SCATTING]

Take it, hero!

♪♪ Feel like making
love to you ♪♪

Aah!

[SKIDDING]

Oh, my god. We hit someone

because we were
drinking and driving.

[DING]

♪♪ The more you know ♪♪

I'll check it out.

Here. Take this.

[GASPS]

We ran over a homeless guy.

So, you guys look…

[GIBBERISH]

How did you hear
about the party?

We have to call the cops!

I won't go back to rehab.

I can't go back.

[YELLING]

[CAT YOWLS]

I guess we should take
him back to the house

and nurse him back to health.

Oh, don't worry, buddy.

We're gonna take
good care of you.

♪♪ I feel like makin' love,
love, love, da, da… ♪♪

[HICCUPS]

Damn. You're beautiful.

What's your name?

My name's Charlotte.

Do you really think
I'm beautiful?

What the fuck did I just say?!

Aww.

No one's ever loved me
enough to yell at me before.

Oh, I'll love you real good.

Just back that little
thorax right up into me.

Oh, yeah. I know what you like.

[SPITTING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

[ZIPPER]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Ling-Ling, you killed xylophone.

Who the hell is Ling-Ling?

Guys, this is serious.

This time, it was Xandir,

but next time, it
could be someone

we actually care about.

Oh, no!

Ling-Ling ain't gonna kill…

Uh…uh…

Neh….

Hohh.

What's his name?

Eh…

Ling-Ling can't kill
funyuns, can he?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You killed my son Xandir.

He was a beautiful little
boy, and you killed him.

I want you to know that.

You knew there was
a shark out there,

but you let people
go swimming anyway.

Now my boy is dead.

I wanted you to know that.

Hey, look! The guys are gone!

Ooh.

Ahh.

[YAWNS]

Uhh, "some pig"?

Mm-hmm. You were
some pig last night.

That was the hottest
interspecies sex

since Matthew Broderick
nailed Sarah Jessica Parker.

… you're sayin' we, uh

8 times! Ha ha ha!

So I was thinkin' we could go
to my parent's place for dinner.

That would be so much fun!

Uh, I gotta go.

Call me?

Eh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got your number.

But you never even looked at it!

There are 2 things Spanky
ham doesn't forget:

Phone numbers and his
grandmother's birthday.

[SAD PIANO PLAYS]

Hero, it's your shift

to take care of the
homeless guy we ran over…

because we were
drinking and driving.

D'oh! But I was gonna
go mountain climbing.

Besides, I'm terrified
of homeless people,

with their open sores and
wrinkly, rancid ball SACS.

Ptui!

I already dressed his wounds.

I emptied his bedpan.

I even gave him a
kidney transplant.

Huh? Ooh?

Goddamn it!

The least you can do
is change his bandages.

After all, we were drinking…

Oh, fine!

Oh, ho, ho!

You guys got me a present!

Please let it be a
random homeless bum.

Oh, my god.

This isn't a random
homeless bum.

This is him,

my…archnemesis!

[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

Thank you for
sharing, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling must find
source of anger.

Source of hulk anger exposure
to excessive gamma radiation.

Ling-Ling, what your
gamma radiation?

[U CAN'T TOUCH THIS PLAYING]

[SCATTING]

Ling-Ling can't touch this!

♪♪ Can't touch this ♪♪

[THWACK]

Aah!

[LAUGHING]

Ling-Ling, you can
forget about dancing.

Like every kid who
has ever been adopted,

you are destined to kill.

[ROARING]

Hulk think Ling-Ling know

what Ling-Ling has to do now.

Ling-Ling must…

No, dance!

Oh, unless Ling-Ling
want to kiss Hulk.

Right, right.

Why would Ling-Ling
want to kiss Hulk?

Especially when he looks
so fat in these pants!

Stupid hulk! Stupid hulk!

Somehow, fate has
delivered my archnemesis

right into my lap.

Oh, he's mine to kill. But how?

But…how?

Why don't you just
pull the plug on him?

He's basically comatose.

Comatose like a fox!

No, I'll have to come up
with the perfect plan.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Charlotte, for the last time,

stop calling!

Hero, what the hell are you…uhh!

[GIGGLING]

Hey, hero,

I thought you were
gonna kill your arch…

[GAGGING]

What comes after asphyxi-??

Asphyxiate!

[YELLING]

[OBOE PLAYING]

Well, well, well.

Ling-Ling, I have not seen
you since, what, sixth grade?

Ha ha ha ha!

You still want to dance,

and you think these
shoes will help?

If you want them,

you'll have to defeat my newest
and most horrific battle monster,

post-pubescent Frankie Muniz!

[SHRIEKS]

You will never be a dancer!

You are a killer! Ha ha ha!

Oh, look. Ling-Ling is gone.

[YELLING]

CAPTAIN HERO NARRATING:
There I was,

seconds away from
destroying the most evil man

I had ever known.

But I couldn't kill a
man on his deathbed.

Are you here to kill me?

No. No, my worthy adversary.

Not today.

But you must.

It is your sworn
duty as a superhero.

[CHUCKLES]
You said, "duty."

I know. I… I totally said "duty."

[LAUGHING]

I just knew if we hung out,

we'd be friends.

Really? Me, too.

Well, old pal, I guess
my new sworn duty

is to nurse you back to health.

You totally said, "duty," again.

Ha ha ha!

Why is that funny?

Spanky, I had a really
great time with you.

Can I come inside?

In about 30 seconds,

I was gonna ask
you the same thing.

Ooh, how droll.

SPANKY: Ah?!

[CHARLOTTE READING WEBS]

Ha ha ha!

You have another girlfriend?

And I thought you
were different!

[CRYING]

[BEEP]

Extermination company?

I got a problem.

Hero, will you read to me?

Read to you? Ha!

I'd just as soon kill
an innocent waitress

as she walked to her car after
her shift ended 2 days ago.

But I'm too weak
to read by myself.

[COUGHS]

OK, fine.

"I…"

Oh, I can't read!

OK? There, I said it!

I can't read!

And now you're afraid to try.

[WHIMPERING]

Don't be afraid anymore,
for I am with you.

Now pick up that book and read!

Read like you've
never read before!

"I n-n-never thought it
would h-happen to me."

Keep going,

yes.

"I whipped out my 7-inch d-d-d…"

Sound it out.

"Dick!"

"And fed it to her
voluptuous t-t…"

You can do it!
"Tits!"

By the way, do you
wear reading glasses?

Oh, yeah. I totally forgot.

"And then we both
shouted with pleasure"

"and collapsed in a soaking-wet
puddle of sticky delight!"

I'm actually reading!

Wow! I can't believe we
got the real Ling-Ling!

And we were about to give
the part to Fran Drescher.

Yoko Ono, Mitsubishi.

I have a small penis.

[LAUGHING]

As a formality, Ling-Ling,

you mind showin' us
some of your moves?

♪♪ The itsy-bitsy spider
went up the waterspout ♪♪

♪♪ Down came the rain and
washed the spider out ♪♪

♪♪ Out came the sun and
dried up all the rain ♪♪

♪♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
went up the spout again ♪♪

Ha ha! Yes.

Sweet merciful Jesus!

You're the worst
dancer I've ever seen!

Ling-Ling dream, huh?

OK, kid, I'll give you a chance.

It's a small part… judge fudge.

The real guy dropped out,

'cause apparently he was far
too busy with somethin' else.

Yay!

Regret?

Unless directing this musical

can give me more AIDS,

I don't regret
anything about it.

Hey! You know what I did today?

I took the red line all
the way across town…

can't you fly?

I can do anything
now that I can read!

When you get better,

we can ride the bus together

like we always talked about.

I'm afraid that's not
gonna happen, chum.

I only have hours… To live.

Ohh!

[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

Wow! A stage show with no
quarter slot or plexiglass window.

Mmm, that's class.

Hey, look! The guys are gone!

The zipper's broken.

Darn this stupid thing.

Hey, unpredictable gorilla?

If you help me with my zipper,

I'll give you this sparkler.

Huh?

[SCREAMING]
[ROARING]

Oh, no!

Something happened
to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Ling-Ling, you have to
take her place as the star!

Hey, uh, thanks for
givin' me another shot.

Now, are you sure you're finished
with that crazy spider girl?

Because I am too classy
to be the second woman.

Unless, of course, we're
having a piss orgy.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I called an exterminator.

[GASPS]

Boba!

Good-bye, old soldier.

I will avenge you.

I will avenge you!

[CRYING]

Cruel fate. You can't die!

We never rode the bus!

Now, now. I've
lived a full life.

I only wish that before I go,

I could…oh, never mind.

No. What is it, dear nemesis?

You gave me the gift of words.

I'll do anything!

Well, since you
asked, I'm a villain,

and as I prepare to move
into the next world,

I must have the evil
washed from my body.

Wooldoor gave you a
sponge bath this morning.

But he didn't clean all of me,

and if…if I'm to meet my maker,

my entire body must be cleansed.

It is my dying wish for
you to finish the job.

[FLIES BUZZING, FOGHORN]

Not…your…balls!

Or is he?

I came to see you dance.

I was just jealous.

I, too, always wanted to
be a dancer as well, also,

but I didn't have the talent.

So I tortured you relentlessly

until you became a
sociopathic killer,

crushing your dreams. My bad.

Gash know Ling-Ling can dance…

With these!

[GASPS]

Listen, Charlotte,
I wanted to get together

so we could talk face to face

and put and end
to this nonsense.

I'm so glad you called!

I have something
wonderful to show you.

Ta-da!

I've already started
thinking of names.

There's Mordechai, Shlomo, Avi,

Bracha, spider number 72…

Sweet mother of all that's holy!

Aren't they beautiful?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah. Yeah, they're precious.

Uh…you know, let's celebrate
by ordering a big feast.

My babies! You monster.

I'm gonna make …

Mmm… Uh…

I'll have the pork chops.

What am I to do?

My nemesis taught
me to read, but now…

He wants me to wash his balls,

and I really don't feel like it.

God, give me a sign.

[BAA BAA]

So…what does that mean, exactly?

Oh, well, I guess it's up
to me to figure this out,

through song.

♪♪ How can I face the shrivelled
balls of my decrepit nemesis? ♪♪

♪♪ I can smell that
crotch from here ♪♪

♪♪ That sac has not
been cleaned in years ♪♪

♪♪ It's gotta be drenched in
layers of sweat and piss ♪♪

♪♪ But he taught me how to read ♪♪

♪♪ And that has opened
up new worlds ♪♪

♪♪ Still that stench ♪♪

♪♪ Rancid flesh soaked in
crotch juice, pus, and ass ♪♪

♪♪ Good god, it makes
me want to hurl ♪♪

♪♪ But I can't deny
him his denying wish ♪♪

♪♪ Even though I
swear I'll faint ♪♪

♪♪ If I find some
ancient dingle-berry ♪♪

♪♪ Sticking to his taint ♪♪

♪♪ But wait! I must
stand for something! ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a hero, after all ♪♪

♪♪ I must have the balls ♪♪

♪♪ To face his nasty,
cadaverous, spidery-pubed ♪♪

♪♪ Rash-ridden, lice-infested,
Limburger-smelling ♪♪

♪♪ Retch-inducing balls ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a single guy in my 20s ♪♪

♪♪ And my sunglasses
are stylin' ♪♪

♪♪ I sometimes hang
at the house ♪♪

♪♪ I'm Steve from long island ♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

You're on, kid.

Yay. Yay. Yay.

[GASPS]

Really?

Thank you, too, also.

[SHOW TUNE PLAYING]

Yah?

Ohh! Frankie Muniz
supposed to be

gash's battle monster.

Down in front!

Yeah! Sit down, asshole!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Yah!

No, Ling-Ling. You've
escaped that life.

If you battle him, you may
never escape it again as well.

[SHOW TUNE PLAYING]

Captain Hero,

I'm not much longer
for this world.

Shh. Save your strength.

And prepare to meet
your forefathers…

Cleansed,

for I will wash your balls.

God bless you.

I'm allergic to latex.

Of course you are.

[WINCES]

Suction.

[WHOOSH]

[WHIRRING]

[SQUEAKS]

Voila!

♪♪ Your balls are clean ♪♪

They certainly are!

Ha ha ha!

Once again, I've tricked
the mighty Captain Hero

into washing my balls!

But the car crash, the
reading, the bus schedule!

All part of my fiendish
plot, and you fell for it!

So long, Captain Hero.

Thanks for the clean balls!

Ha ha ha!

Damn you, scroto!

Ohh.

His name is Scroto?

Yes.

So that's what your
archnemesis does?

Yep.

No bank robberies?

Uh-uh.

Or blowing up the planet?

Nope.

He just tricks superheroes
into washing his balls?

Not all superheroes.

Just me. Just me.

What a strange, strange villain.

[SNIFFS]

Gay! Drink! Drink!

[GULPING] [BELCH]

♪♪ Your balls are clean ♪♪

[FARTING AND SLURPING]