Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 7 - Lost in Parking Space: Part One - full transcript

The house-mates go to the mall, but end up trapped in their van. Clara, meanwhile, is left alone at the house with a delivery guy she thinks is Satan.

CLARA, NARRATING:
Everywhere I look,

I see signs the
apocalypse is near.

A cure for leukaemia!

Oh! Stem cell research!

Oh, come on, baby,

that fin-rot I
caught from Aquaman

cleared up a long time ago!

Ah! Rampant lying!

[DOLPHIN SQUEAKS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GASPS] Morbid obesity!



[GROANS]

[FLAMES ROAR AND MAN SCREAMS]

Get up, black person!
Time to repent!

Repent? But we just pented!

Prepare yourself, for the
rapture is almost upon us!

Rapte-whatchama-whodat?

The best way to explain
the rapture to Foxxy

was to call the kirk
Cameron hotline.

[DIALLING AND RINGING]

Hi, there. It's me,

third rate child television
star kirk Cameron.

To learn about your
unavoidable descent into hell

via the impending rapture,

press one… [BEEP]



The rapture is coming!
[FANFARE PLAYS]

Whoo!

When it arrives,
good people like me

and Richard "boner" Stabone

will float straight
up to heaven,

while the sinners like you

and that fat, drunk-driving, S.U.V.
Rolling Jewess

Tracy gold will be left behind.

The only sign of
the chosen people

will be their clothing
left on the ground.

And then Satan
shall come to earth

and force all the sinners
to sign away their souls.

This is all bullshit.

Oh, really? Then how
do you explain this?

The phone wasn't
even plugged in.

Whoo-ooh!

Uh, Clara, is that kirk Cameron
hiding behind that plant?

! Kirk, you're busted! Run

to learn more, visit my website…

Aah! Catch me, Jesus!

[THUDS]

[SIRENS WAILING ON TV]

Hey, guys! Y'all ready to go?

Are you ready to
shut the fuck up?

Hello! We're trying to
watch the amazing race riot.

Come on, Tyrone! We don't
want to be the last ones

to rob that Korean deli!

Today's the day you promised

we'd all go to
the mall together!

I thought today was the day

you were gonna shut the fuck up!

Oh, come on, guys!

There's something at
the mall for everyone.

Ling-Ling, didn't you want a
new castle for your fish tank?

And Wooldoor, doesn't your dummy

deserve a brand new bow tie?

Don't patronise me, queer!

And, Toot, don't you want
your parents' approval?

More than anything!

Yeah, well, you'll never get that.
So what do you say, guys?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

My girlfriend has
cerebral palsy!

Wait…wait… wait a second!

I just realised something.
We can't go to the mall…

ALL: Aww!

How dare you get my
hopes up, you cocksucker!

…without our mall t-shirts!

[ALL CHEERING]

Wait, I'll go get Clara.

Clara? I'm sick of that
bible-thumping bitch.

Besides, what fun is
doing a group activity

if you can't exclude somebody?

You can say that again!

Ah, shut up, excludey!
Get back in your box!

Ohh!

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Get out, excludey!
We don't want you in here.

Ohh!

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Ha! All right! Drawn
Together mall trip '06

starts right now!

I hope to god you know
what the hell you're doing.

Ahh.

Good morning, fellow house mates.

Anyone home?

♪♪ Hello, sinners? ♪♪

Anyone here?

My room-mates left me all alone.

My room-mates left me all alone!

Whoo-hoo!

[GIGGLES] Yeah!

[SCREAMS]

[TOILET FLUSHES] Whee!

Oh, fun!

Ooh!

[DISPOSAL WHIRS]

[SCREAMS]

Whee! [GIGGLES]

Whoo-hoo!

[GIGGLES] [GLASS BREAKS]

What's this?

KIRK CAMERON: The
rapture is coming!

Rapte-whatchama-whodat?

The only sign of
the chosen people

will be their clothing,
left on the ground.

Hey-hey-hey!

Holy smokes! The rapture came!

God took all my
room-mates up to heaven,

but that means… I've
been left behind!

[SCREAMING]

Ooh, there's a space!

♪♪ Speed racer, yeah! ♪♪

ALL: Aww!

TOOT: Ooh, there's
another space!

[CREATURE ROARS]

ALL: Aww!

[CLICKS CAR ALARM]

CAPTAIN HERO: Ooh,
what about that one?

[CRASHES] [INDISTINCT SHRIEKING]

XANDIR: Ow, god damn it!

CAPTAIN HERO: Go, go, go, go!

Park your invisible jet where
somebody can see it, ass hole!

God damn it, this mall is
more crowded than my uterus.

[GASPS] There's one!

Are you fucking crazy?
That's a compact spot!

A compact spot!

Oh, Jesus,

how could you rapture my sinful
house mates and leave me behind?

Answer me, talking Jesus!

WOMAN'S VOICE: I love
shopping with my girlfriends!

Oh, there must have been some kind
of mix up at the doll factory.

MAN'S VOICE: Stop your whoring
and sodomising, sinner!

I shall cleanse you in my blood!
Yow!

[SCREAMS]

Why would those
sinners be taken?

I'm sure this is just one
of god's classic bloopers,

like nipple hair or
Rachael ray's face.

No doubt you'll realise
your mistake, lord,

and rapture me up to
heaven any minute now!

! Woman's voice: Just pretend
you're eating a banana

but you darn well
better do it soon

before Satan forces me
to sign away my soul!

[DOORBELL RINGS] [GASPS]

Miss, I need you
to sign right here.

Aah! Oh, my god! Satan!
The Antichrist!

If you don't let him do
it, he'll break up with you!

Xandir, are you
out of your mind?

We'll never fit into that spot!

Shut it, pig. Xandir is
captain of this ship,

and he won't let us down,
just like captain America!

Or cap'n crunch. Or, uh…Uh…

Captain…

Uh…

Captain…

Oh, I can't think of
anymore captains right now.

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

I won't let you down, guys.
Now hold on!

I am going in!

Huh? Ha ha! How am I
doing on the right?

Pretty good, pretty good.

That's it.

[MUMBLING]

You got it.

OK. All right.

[CRACKING]

[CRASHES]

Here we are, safe and sound.

Oh, yay!

I can't wait to go to baby gap,

in and out burger, footlocker,

and all the other
euphemisms for vagina!

Oh, my god!

We can't get out this way.

Ach Du lieber Augustine!

We can't get out
this way, either!

Oh, lordy, we trapped!
We trapped!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[NO AUDIO]

[ALL SCREAMING]

FOXXY: Get us the
hell out of here!

WOOLDOOR: If we lived
here, we'd be home by now!

You said you knew
what you were doing!

I thought the mall
would be so much fun.

Well, Xandir, like
the grateful dead,

you've gotten us into
yet another stupid jam.

Huh? Huh?

Ehh, fuck the lot of you.

Oh, my god, we're
all going to die!

Holy crap!

[STAMMERING]

What do we…

what do we…

what…

All right, Xandir's useless.

Everyone listen to Spanky ham.

Now, they tell you
in the boy scouts,

if you get lost,
stay in one place

and wait for them to find you.

Stay in one place? I prefer my boy
scouts to move around a little.

What? We supposed to not move

until somebody come help us?

That's burn victim talk!

I'll say we bust through
this roof and go get help!

Oh, real brilliant, Foxxy!

It's like 50 degrees out there!

You break that window,

it'll be 50 degrees in here!

Oh, my god! That's,
like, jacket weather,

and all we have
are these t-shirts!

Screw all y'all! I
am going for help.

Stand back!

Don't even think
about it, Foxxy!

Oh, my god! He gots a
Puerto-Rican credit card!

, all right, hero, let's not do
anything you're going to regret

because if you want to do
something you're going to regret,

there's 220 pounds
of it right here!

Shut it! From now on, we're
all going to listen to Spanky.

Think of this van as a public
high school graduation…

nobody is going anywhere.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

. Please, ma'am, you've
gotta sign for this

otherwise, you'll
have to pick it up

at the distribution centre.

[NARRATING] Satan was relentless
in pursuit of my soul.

I had to stall until
the clerical error

made by some affirmative action
hire in heaven was corrected!

Come on!

[GRUNTING]

Ow! Oh!

[GROANS AND GASPS]

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

Yes! What's the matter, Satan?
Tire yourself out

? Inventing foreskins, salsa
dancing and Rachael ray's face

CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING: People weren't
happy that Spanky and I were in control,

but I was determined
to save their lives…

even though nobody
ever really dies.

Observe.

Ohh!

Now, you try!

One of us has to get out
that window and go get help!

No one's going anywhere as
long as hero has that gun.

Then we gots to get
that gun away from him.

But how?

Mmm.

Mmm.

[GAGGING]

I gots it! One of us
has gots to seduce him.

Oh, Mr. Captain, you're
so big und strong!

Please for teach me to wrestle
with our shirts off, hmm?

Is there anybody out there who
didn't think that this would go gay?

Ah!

[BOTH MOANING]

[BOINGS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Mr. Vandergelden,
you're trying to seduce me!

[KISSES]

It's working! It's working!

Wooldoor's going to have
that gun for us in no time!

Psst, Foxxy, do
you have a rubber?

What? You mean you
ain't seduced him yet?

Some of us still care about a
little thing called romance!

Oh, damn it! I'll
just do it myself.

Hero, I want that gun.

If you want this gun,

you'll have to pry it out
of my cold, dead hand.

Aw! Why did I keep my
gun in my bob dole hand?

Everybody stand back, 'cause
the Foxxy's gonna go get help.

[GUNSHOTS]

Wait, Foxxy, if
we don't make it,

take these letters
to my parents.

Uh…these are scrabble letters.

I know, I stole them
from their house.

Sometimes I steal
when I get nervous.

By the way, here's your watch.

Wooldoor, you is a good man.

I'm gonna need you to
keep things under control

until I get back!
Is you up for it?

I'll do my best for you, Foxxy.

Even though I'm nervous!
Oh, here's your watch again.

Godspeed, Foxxy love!

[BEEPING]

[WIND HOWLING]

[ALL SHIVERING]

You pathetic fool!

Now we're all gonna die!

Even me?

No, not you, excludey.

Now, here's a blanket and a
Thermos of delicious hot cocoa.

Ohh.

She'll be back soon. Real soon.

[GRUNTS] Oh, boy,

this is the worst delivery since

my wife's miscarriage.
[RIM SHOT]

Nyah-Nyah Nyah Nyah-Nyah Nyah!

Come and get me, Satan!

Oh, I will come and get you!

Just sign for this package.

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh! Hmm.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS] Missed me!

[GASPS] Very impressive.

I guess I didn't account for
your supernatural powers.

Nah, I don't have
supernatural powers.

I just knew about
those booby traps

'cause I've seen home
alone like a hundred times.

Watching that adorable
kid in the movie, heh,

is the closest thing
me and my wife will get

to having a real son. [RIM SHOT]

[NARRATING] I should have
known there was no way

a mere mortal could escape
from the prince of lies.

You have defeated me, dark lord!

Wow, I haven't been called
dark lord since college.

I totally nailed a
black chick once.

I shall sign!

[WEEPING AND SNIFFLING]

Super-duper!

Satan, I acknowledge
you as my master.

I will do anything you
ask of me, anything!

Anything? Wow,

this must be what it's
like to be al Roker.

Mall security! Mall security!
Please, please!

I need some security!

[NARRATING] I had to find help,
and nothing could stop me!

Absolutely noth… whoo,
is that a hot topic?

Ooh, I hear they got officially
licensed Drawn Together merchandise!

Hot topic! They got everything

a suicidal pre-teen could want!

Except for parents who listen.

Where do you got your Drawn
Together merchandise?

Drawn to what now?

It's a show on the
box you get for free

when the streets is on fire.

I'm on that show. Heh heh heh!

You never heard of Foxxy brown?

What about Wooldorf, or Ploop?

Hmm. Maybe we have some of
your merchandise in the back.

Well, I'm supposed to be getting
mall security to help my room-mates,

but I guess I could
look around real quick.

Hmm.

Wow! The king of the
hill boredom helmet!

Ooh, this is almost as
boring as the show itself!

Hmm.

What the…

[GASPS] You got plenty
of Drawn Together…

[GRUNTS]

Nighty night, Foxxy love.

[ALL SHIVERING]

So cold.

So…very cold.

Just hold on. Foxxy
will be back real soon.

Oh, yeah, right, the 2 things

black folks excel at…

winter sports and getting
places in a timely fashion.

BOTH: Woof!

Don't listen to them, guys.

Foxxy won't let us down.

I'm beginning to
think she may be dead!

[GASPS] Don't ever say that!

How dare you slap me

without having the
decency to do me first!

Or during! Or after! Or now?

Last chance.

Starting now! Or now.

Door's still open. OK, then,

you lost your chance.
Starting now!

No? OK, fine. Come
on, Ling-Ling,

I know when we're not wanted.

How about now?

Hey, ass munchers, can
we share in your fire?

Fine. You want to
share our fire?

You bring something to burn.

Guys, hey! What are you doing?

We're burning your dummy!

No, you can't! He's
allergic to fire!

I don't want to die like this!

I want to die in a
jet ski accident.

Still got it. Ha-cha-cha.

I won't let you kill him!
[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

Xandir, you gotta help me!

[GROANING]

Come on, man! They'll
listen to you!

[GROANING]

Jesus, Xandir, you're
the troop leader!

I'm the troop leader?

My decision's…Wrong.

Must run away. [STAMMERING]

Run, Xandir, run!

Wait, where are you going?

No!

No, I'm just a toddler!

He drew lines on my mouth!

That's just what a dummy
or a toddler would say.

You done good, kids.
You done good.

[SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

No, wait!

Stay with me! Fight, damn it!

You're tough! I'm tough.

You're tenacious! I'm tenacious.

You don't know the
meaning of the word quit!

I don't even the meaning
of the word tenacious.

[LAUGHTER]

You idiot!

That was the last of our water!

And we have no more matches!

Oh, my god! You're
all going to die!

This van just got
a whole lot sexier.

[SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[WIND HOWLING]

WOOLDOOR: Ha-cha-cha!

[LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHORUS VOCALISING]