Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 5 - N.R.A vs. Ray - full transcript

BOTH: ♪♪la la la la ♪♪

CAPTAIN HERO: Old
wooly bully and I spent

another fun-filled day at
the museum of tolerance.

Every time we go, it reminds us

that the world is
a tolerant place

where nothing ever goes wrong.

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, my god!

We've been robbed!

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS]

We've been robbed!



It was probably the
blacks or the Mexicans.

Oh… [SNIFFS]

This is all my fault.

I look like a tramp in
these skin-tight clothes.

[CRYING] There, there.
It's all right, man.

To the best of our
knowledge, the thief is gone.

I can't have his baby!

Get it out! Get it out!

[SCREAMS]

Calm down, you slut.

We got bigger problems here.

Somebody stole our secret window

to Oprah Winfrey land!

[ALL GASP]



But don't worry, y'all.

Da Foxxy is on the case.

So detective Foxxy decided to take
out her double magnifying glass

and solve the mystery of
the thing what happened.

[SNIFFING]

[BARKS AND HOWLS]

[SNIFFING] That
smell like Popeye's.

Aroo? Uh-uh!

Oh! Stop, thief!

I got you right where I… [GASPS]

Ray ray? That you, baby?

Yeah. It's me, grandma.

I…I didn't know you lived here.

I thought you had
straightened yourself out.

I did, but then I stole your
secret window to Oprah land.

I did not not raise your papa

to not raise you
to be no criminal!

[BOTH GASP] [SIRENS]

Please, grandma!
You got to help me!

OK, ray ray.

We're gonna hide
you inside the wall.

Unh!

This is perfect, grandma.

All I need is a rusty pair of
handcuffs attached to a water heater,

and it'll feel just
like foster home.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAN: Open up! It's the police!

They found you, ray ray!
Now, get in.

And remember,

don't you come out
until I gets you.

[GASPS] There's the TV!
Foxxy love,

you're under arrest for robbery

and the rape of Captain Hero.

How could you? [CRYING]

No, I didn't take nothing!

Besides, that's our TV.

But it belongs downstairs!

Take her away! No!

Power to the people!

♪♪ I don't need
to take this, m…♪♪

[IMPACT]

Help me! Oh!

What are we gonna do if
the thief comes back?

We're dead! Oh! Hold me!

Get off!

Don't you have
superpowers or something?

Yes.

That's a perfect
solution, gay friend.

Captain Hero shall get himself…

A gun.

[SCOFFS]

What's the point in even
trying to talk to you?

You shouldn't buy a gon.

[ECHOING] You
shouldn't buy a gun.

… buy a gun. You shouldn't buy.

Buy a gun. You shouldn't buy…

… I'm a homo. You shouldn't buy.

Buy a gun.

That dead girl's
totally into you.

I took the homo's advice
and got myself a gun,

and let me tell you,

buying a firearm isn't as easy

as the Jew-run media
wants you to believe.

Oh, god damn it!

[GRUNTING]

Ohhh…

CAPTAIN HERO, VOICE-OVER: Wow. Just
holding that gun made me feel so safe,

and gave me the confidence
to overcome my fears,

like finally getting
that raise I deserve.

I've been here 3 years
longer than Swanson, sir.

I'm a company man. I'm only
asking for what I think is fair.

I mean, who came through for
you on that Cleveland report?

Just take the car!
Don't hurt my baby!

But more importantly,

that gun helped me protect
myself and my housema…

what wrong with you, caped man?

I deliver you Chinese food every day!
Please do not kill me!

Run if you value
your life, ninja!

OK, but you don't shoot.

Oh, gun,

thank god for you!

[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRILL WHIRRING]

With grandma gone,

I was forced to live behind
these walls all by myself.

The loneliness consumed me,

turning me into some
kind of monster.

I began searching
for companionship.

Aagh!

Damn! Look at that ass!

Man, she got back for days!

Put a wig on!

Oh, man! That's it!

Man, I'm gonna ride
that like a Bentley.

WOOLDOOR: Ever wonder why
African-American black men

are so attracted to
large posteriors?

Good day. I am professor
Wooldoor Sockbat,

here to explain this
completely racist phenomenon.

For centuries, natives found
large, roaming badonkadonks

to be safe havens from
the dangers of the wild.

Aah!

Huh?

Huh?

Their love of huge asses

has been written into
their genetic code.

Even they don't know why.

They just know.

See you next time, when we
explore why Jews have big noses.

Is it because air is free?

[GRUNTS]

[COCKS GUN]

[DISTANT SQUEAKING] Hmm?

CAPTAIN HERO: Squirrel!

Stop or I'll shoot!

[SQUEAKS]

Aah!

Holy shit! What did you do?!

Friends, I have killed
one of god's most innocent

and intelligent creatures,

and I liked it.

[THUNDER]

[SHUDDERING]

[GRUNTS]

[THUNDER]

Uh, all right.

TOOT: ♪♪ do you like how ♪♪

♪♪ I sing a love song? ♪♪

♪♪ Do you like Vincent van gogh?
♪♪

♪♪ I like to walk ♪♪

ª ♪♪ the streets
at midnight âª

♪♪ I wanted you to know ♪♪

[SIGHS]

[FLATULENCE]

Dear diary, I'm
alone once again,

with no one to love me.

Oh, how I wish I had some…

[FLATULENCE] Cheese.

Love, Toot.

Cheese.

Anything your carved and
enlarged heart desires.

CAPTAIN HERO: Like a tampon,
once I'd had a taste of blood,

I wanted more,

so I inserted myself into
the world of hunting.

[TAKES DEEP BREATH] Ah!

All right, Wooldoor. It's
time for a little duck hunt.

[ELECTRONIC BARKS] [QUACK]

Fuck you, duck!

[GRUNTING]

Huh! King of the jungle, my ass!

[QUACKING, WINGS FLAPPING]

[EMPTY CLICKING] [GRUNTS]

[QUACKING]

Shoot! Shoot!

[QUACKING]

[WOOLDOOR GIGGLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GIGGLING]

My god! This is no way to hunt!

Surely there must be a
more efficient way to kill.

Oh!

Yes. [GRUNTS]

[WHIRRING]

Whoo! Yes!

I'm going to have more arms

than the wackiest
god in all of India.

[LAUGHING]

Your majesty, da
Foxxy is only on trial

for stealing that TV
because she's black!

I move to have this entire
racist trial dismissed!

What say you, judge fudge?

I don't have time to
rule on your motion.

I'm far too busy…

Being delicious.

[LAUGHTER]

He is delicious!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[YAWNING]

[SNIFFING]

What the…

Oh, my god!

This room has more Swiss

than a list of
Nazi collaborators!

How could this
miracle have happened?

Diary, it was you.

You answered all my prayers.

Thank you, diary! Thank you!

RAY RAY: Thank you,
my sweet fat ass.

[OFF-KEY] ♪♪ do you like how ♪♪

♪♪ I sing out loud? ♪♪

What are you so happy about?

Have you seen how fat you are?

Oh, Clara, you're just jealous

'cause all my dreams
have come true.

You're never going to be
happy until you have a dream

that has depth and importance,

like having beautiful
hair like mine.

[WAILING]

Dear diary, Clara's right!

I wish I had pretty,
pretty hair like hers.

Love, Toot.

P.S.…if Wendy Schloman makes
the pep squad and I don't,

I will, like, just die!

CAPTAIN HERO, VOICE-OVER:
With my new arsenal

and way too many bong rips,

hunting was like
a whole new game.

[BARKS]] [QUACKING]

[SCREAMS]

Ooh yeah!

Silent predator of
the deep, my ass!

[ROARS]

[GROWLS]

[WAILS]

[BULLETS RICOCHET]

CAPTAIN HERO: Die!

[YAWNS]

Huh? What the Toot?

Oh, magic diary!

You've done it again!

Hey, Spanky, what do you think?

Whoa! Toot!

You look fabulous!
Have you lost weight?

No!

Well, I don't know what's
changed, but watch out, chickens!

There's a fox in the house!

PRINCESS CLARA: Aah!

What the hell did you do to me?!

Clara, you don't look so good.
Have you put on weight?

No! Toot stole my
beautiful, beautiful hair!

I didn't steal it.

I just woke up with your hair

attractively
stapled to my scalp.

[FOG HORN BLOWS] [FLIES BUZZING]

I'm gonna have
those Jew producers

throw you out of
this house forever!

[LINE RINGING] [WAILING]

Dear diary,

I'm finally beautiful,

and now Clara wants
me out of the house.

If anyone should be out of
the house, it should be her!

I wish she were dead!

P.S.…that Mrs. Udoff
is such a bitch.

I mean, who assigns homework
over Christmas break?

Friends, I have
returned triumphant.

[FLIES BUZZING]

[ALL EXCLAIM]

[SQUEALING]

Hero, using assault rifles

and armour-piercing
bullets to hunt?

? Don't you think
that's a bit excessive

screw you all! It's my
right to use these weapons

any way I please, and nothing
is going to change my mind.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You killed my mother!

Sucks to be you.

[CRYING]

I'm so sad and so cute!

I Miss mommy!

I know, broham, but
I was just hunting.

Ever since the
prehistoric cave Jews

hunted down Jesusaurses,

slaughtering defenceless
creatures has been

our nation's pastime.

I'm not saying you
need to stop hunting…

Bitchin'!

But using assault rifles

and armour-piercing
bullets is just not fair.

Huh?

Just give us a fighting chance, Mr.
Hero.

Maybe mommy would have lived!

[WAILING]

CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
I quickly realised

that I could not solve
this highly complicated

national conundrum on
gun control by myself.

So, I assembled the wisest
group of superheroes I know:

The federation of justice!

Thank you for having me,
federation of justice.

How many times do
we have to tell you?

We're not the
federation of justice.

Did you bring any
food this time?

It is good to see you,
too, festering lesion man.

And now I need your sage advice.

I'll suck you off for a dollar.

Well said, Whitney Houston man.

We hunters have enough
of an advantage already

without assault rifles.

What say you,
screeching, cackling,

covered in his own faeces man?

[SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY]

I hadn't thought
of that, friend.

I must rid the world
of all assault weapons.

Who's in?!

And break!

[GRUNTING]

Nice towel.

Ow! [GIGGLES]

[SCREAMS]

Diary, this isn't what I meant!

I didn't want you to kill Clara!

I just wanted Clara
out of the house.

Dear diary,

today I threw you
in the fireplace

because you're a source
of murderous evil!

P.S.…I still totally
like mike Jerowski.

CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
And so I gathered up

all the world's assault rifles.

And I knew just the
place to throw them.

[FLUSHES]

Oh!

[JIGGLES HANDLE]

Good-bye, assault rifles!

Well, I guess it's just you
and me now, standard firearm.

Come here, you.

[GRUNTING] [CLOTHING RIPS]

[GUNSHOT]

See. What did I tell you?

I knew it was a
black or a Mexican.

Hey, ref, da Foxxy
sterniously objects!

I'm sorry, Foxxy.

I don't have time to
rule on your objection.

I'm far to busy…

Being delicious.

[LAUGHTER]

He is delicious!

MAN: That's great! That's…

TOOTS, NARRATING: I had
to cover up Clara's death.

I've seen enough movies to know

that if you have a dead person's
scalp stapled to your head

and the delicious contents of
her stomach in your lunch box,

people will see you
as suspect number one.

Well, that takes care of that.
[HUMS]

[SNIFFS]

What?

[WHIMPERS]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS] You're evil!

Pure evil! I hate you!

How could you do
this to me, diary?!

. I did it 'cause I loves you

I always loves you.

[SCREAMS]

Thank you, Captain Hero.

For ridding the world
of assault weapons.

Now, my mother's death
won't be in vain.

No, thank you, snoopy,

for opening my eyes.

Now, you run along.

Bye! [GASPS]

[INDISTINCT] [GRUNTING]

Oh, friends?! Oh, friends?!

Gather round!

I have some stupendous
news for all of us.

I was able to convince Mr. Hero

to rid the world of
all assault rifles

and armour-piercing bullets.

[CHEERING]

That's right, loyal servants,

our plan is working.

And now, the war begins!

[THUNDER]

[LAUGHTER]

We have reached a verdict,

honourable judge fudge.

[SOBS]

Your honour?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear the verdict.

You see, my wife
left me last night

and I'm just not
feeling very delicious.

GALLERY: Aw!

Poor fudge.

I'm just messing with ya!

I can't be serious all the time!

I'm far too busy…

ALL: Being delicious!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, baby. How you doing?

♪♪ Judge fudge ♪♪

♪♪ Fudge ♪♪

[CHEERING]

Yeah!

[SCREAMING]

Shh! My sweet.

I been living in the walls

and reading your diary.

It's I who have been
answering your prayers.

Hey, whatever gets
your rocks off, man.

Ever since I first
laid eyes on you,

I fell in love with you.

Really?

Yes! Don't make me
repeat myself, woman!

There's just something about you

and your huge, fat ass
that makes me feel…

Safe.

I don't know why.

I just know.

That is the sweetest
thing I've ever heard.

I think I love you, too!

We could be together forever,

a fat, ugly white woman,

and a creepy black man…

just like "Miami vice."

Oh, wall guy,

let's do it!

[GRUNTS]

Well, cap, I'm
actually proud of you…

for once.

Yes, thanks to captain me,

the world is so much better off

without assault rifles.

The only downside is

what happened to the
open of my favourite show.

ANNOUNCER: And if
you can afford them,

you can hire the a-team.

[SINGLE GUNSHOTS]

[GUN CLICKS]

Oh, god damn it!

[CLICKING]

[BULLETS CLANG ON FLOOR]

Oh, what the fuck, man?

[RUMBLING] What
the hell is that?!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Guess again! It's me…Bambi!

, just because I'm
dating your mother

it doesn't mean we have
to hang out all the time.

You humans have hunted us
since the dawn of time.

And now, it is our
turn to hunt you!

Attack!

Stand back!

I'll protect you ass holes!

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GROWLING] [GUN CLICKING]

And they're wearing
bulletproof vests!

Your revolver just isn't enough!

I need my assault rifles!

[SCREAMS]

What have I done?!

[DEER GROWLING] [WHIMPERING]

Hey, you, fartwads!

The wall guy and I are in love,

and…what the hell?!

The deer are attacking!

Oh, my god!

Hey, y'all, I know
where we'll be safe!

I don't know why I know,

I just know!

Follow me!

[PANTING] [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

WOOLDOOR: Ooh, roomy.

Huh? What?!

Where'd they all go?

They just disappeared.

The only thing left
is this friendly

but unattractive moose.

What should we do?

Dude, you want to go
get totally baked?

Dude!

Wait! No! Come back!

I killed my own mother for this!

Wall guy? Wall guy?!

Oh.

I'm all alone…

Once again.

♪♪ Do you like how ♪♪

♪♪ I sing a love song ♪♪

[GRUNTS]

Mike? Mike Jerowski?

What are you doing here?

I thought you only
like cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders?!

I like them about as much
as I like bitch-ass udoff!

I mean, homework over vacation?

What a bitch!

Tell me about it.

Hey, I heard you beat out

Wendy Schloman for pep squad.
Nice.

So, you want to finger
flick me on my cheese bed?

Dude!

[BED CREAKING]

[WHISTLING]

[GUNSHOT]