Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 9 - Captain Girl - full transcript

Cool.

Now, here's another totally
sweet-fuck position.

[GRUNTING]

Wow!

I totally did this
to a chick once.

I wish I was a chick.

And here's one that makes
you feel like a real man.

[SLAPPING]

What, is that all you got?

Uh-oh, captain. Ain't
that the hero signal?

Relax. If it's
anything important,



captain girl will page me.

When are we gonna meet this
new sidekick of yours anyway?

[RINGING]

What is it, captain girl?
The evil mad libber?

I'm on my way.

Captain Hero, mind
if I tag along?

Maybe I can help.

Sorry, yellow creature, but if I wanted
something that would slow me down,

I would take another...
[SPEECH SLOWS]

Wooh! Wooh!

Ooh.

[RUSTLING]

I know it sounds silly,

but I always thought that maybe I
could be Captain Hero's sidekick.



But every time I try to get
up the courage to ask him,

it came out wrong.

Captain Hero, can
I be your side...

Show?

OK.

Step right up, folks,

and see the boy who claims
he can't be hit by a rock.

[SHOUTING]

Me!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut that out!

And now that he
has captain girl,

I guess he'll never need me.

[SOBBING] Whoa is me.

What are you crying
about, he-bitch?

Your life ain't so bad.
Look at me.

Whoa! Dude, you need to
get an electric razor.

I have one!

[SIGHS]

Well, I guess we
all have problems.

Problems? I'm a goddamn mess.

I'm an alcoholic.

I have a bit of a temper.

I'll cut you, you dirty polack!

And I can't stop eating.

Christ, I even have
irritable bowel syndrome.

[FARTING]

[FARTING]

[FARTING]

[SQUISHING]

[SIGHS]

That's one irritable bowel.

I'm the only person in this house
who knows what suffering is.

My friends. Captain girl.
She's dead.

Dead!

[SOBBING]

I don't know what happened.

By the time I got there,
the mad libber was gone

and captain girl had
been poisoned to death.

Poisoned? Then why is
there blood on her uniform?

It was that time of the month.

That does... What are you, 12?

Once a month, in the most
beautiful natural process possible,

blood comes flowing out
of a woman's butthole.

And now it will never flow

out of captain girl's
butthole ever again.

Oh, there, there, sugar.

Everything gonna be all right.

Oh, yeah. You like to
comfort me, don't you, bitch?

To make matters worse,

the mad libber left
this note to taunt me.

What's it say?

Oh. Let me see.

OK, first I'm gonna need a verb.

Pick me.

Yeah, I got your
verb right here.

Well, that seems to be it.

"I, the evil mad libber
viciously penised captain girl

for getting too penis
to my ingenious penis."

[SOBBING] Captain girl!

[SOBBING]

Gee, Captain Hero, sir,

I wish there was some
way I could comfort you.

Thank you, chum. But the only
thing that could comfort me now

is a new sidekick.

And where am I gonna
find one of those?

I could be your new side...
Show.

Oh!

No time for fun now, friend.

Everyone, welcome.

In accordance with
captain girl's wishes,

we are burying her as a Mormon.

Not because she was one, but
because she hated Mormons,

and it would make her
happy for us to bury one.

You may begin, reverend.

If you'll all turn in
your books to page 134.

Ahem. Ooga booga!
Great face god!

Magic lizard come
down from Jupiter!

[SOBBING]

[THINKING] Even this insightful satire
of religion couldn't cheer me up.

I thought I would
never be happy again.

But then I saw something...

Something that would
change my life forever.

And suddenly I knew the
solution to all my problems.

MAN: Yeah. Ice cream, lard ass.

No!

A baby.

Guess what, everyone.

I'm gonna get me pregnant
and has me a baby.

Like who's gonna drop
a log in that toilet?

Not it. Not it.

Oh...

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Uh, Captain Hero?

Go away. Can't you see
I just wanna be alone?

Oh, captain girl, how could
you leave me like this?

[MOANING]

All done. What's
on your mind, pal?

Well, I was thinking.

If it wouldn't be
too much of a bother,

maybe I...

Um, could be your new side...

Kick.

What? How dare you!

It's way too soon
to think about that.

So I won't, and I'll just say yes.
Welcome aboard.

Really?

I'm your new sidekick?

Whee!

[THEME FROM BATMAN PLAYS]

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Wooldoor ♪

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Wooldoor ♪

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Wooldoor ♪

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Hero ♪

♪ Wooldoor ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Hero ♪

[HUMMING]

Toot, what the hell you
doing with that black light?

I want a baby.

So if there's the tiniest bit
of baby gravy in this house,

I'm gonna find it.

Ooh!

Ooh!

I'm a really friendly ghost.

Ooh, girl, check out my feet.

Huh?

Baby soup!

Cannonball!

3 days later...

Toot, before you get
yourself pregnant,

we want you to understand

that a baby is a
lot of hard work.

Back in high school,

we were given eggs
to carry around

to help teach us the
responsibilities of motherhood.

So we thought we could teach
you the same lesson with this.

A baby from Nicaragua.

A baby!

A baby from Nicaragua!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Come on, baby from Nicaragua,
let's go fix mommy's life.

Those assholes thought I
wouldn't take to being a mother.

Open wide. Here comes the plane.

[IMITATING PLANE ENGINE]

Oh, the plane needs to
make an emergency landing.

What did they know?
Motherhood made me happy.

Right, baby?

To motherhood!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GLASS CLINKING] Ow!

Being a sidekick was
a dream come true.

Captain Hero and I battled
all sorts of evil villains.

Like the gigantic midget.

You've never faced a
midget as big as me.

Ah!

And then we fought the most
confused villain in the world...

Senor Eskimo Goldberg.

What the hell am I? [ROARS]

But then I started to suspect

that Captain Hero wanted me
to be more like captain girl.

[HUMMING]

You know, when captain
girl danced for me,

she had the decency to tuck
her balls between her legs.

But I am not...

[DOOR SLAMS]

Captain girl.

[COOING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, no! Ling-Ling, bad!

You bad Asian thing. No. No.

Toot, where the hell do
you think you're going?

The store. Mommy's
completely out of medicine.

Toot, if you don't start
taking care of your child,

she gonna be all messed up.

She's right, Toot.

Ling-Ling was about
to kill your baby.

Don't tell me how
to raise my baby.

I know how to keep it safe.

Who would dare to enter
the circle of fire?

Toodles!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Uh, I think that tram
is about to fall.

Ah, yeah. You take
care of that, huh?

I'm trying to read hustler.

It gives every man x-ray vision,

if you know what I mean.

Buy a copy and see for yourself.

But I can't fly, and I
don't have super strength.

Captain girl would have
taken care of this already.

How many times do
I have to tell you?

I am not captain girl!

No, seriously, you can
see inside the girls.

Inside. Seriously.

You're damn right you're not captain girl.
She was a real sidekick.

Unlike some people.

Seriously. Inside.

Wooldoor, making you my sidekick

was the biggest
mistake of my life.

You're fired!

Captain Hero, wait!

Captain girl
wouldn't have cried.

[CRYING] I'm the worst.

I never deserved to
be hero's sidekick.

Just like I didn't deserve to
be crowned Miss universe '97.

These aren't real.
These aren't real!

[CRYING]

If you don't stop your crying,
2 things are gonna happen.

I'm gonna have an orgasm and
then I'm gonna fall asleep.

Is that what you want?

Oh, Spanky, Captain
Hero fired me

because I'm not as good a
sidekick as captain girl.

How good a sidekick
could she have been?

She's dead.

Hmm.

You know, Spanky,

I bet if I defeated
the mad libber,

I'd prove to hero I'm
an even better sidekick

than his precious captain girl.

If only I knew how to find him.

Oh, whoa. Hey, what's that?

Oh, I think it's breaking news.

Holy crap! The mad
libber is verbing a bank!

This is the opportunity
I have been waiting for.

To the Wooldoor-mobile.

Get the fuck out of the car.
Move! Move! Move!

All right.

Shut up!

Just don't hurt me.

Get in the trunk.

No way.

Get in the fucking trunk!

I don't wanna die!

"I don't wanna die."
You're gonna fucking die.

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!

Whee!

I'll show Captain Hero
what a great sidekick I am.

Uh, gr-grandpa?

[CROWING]

Mommy's home!

[VOMITING]

Ugh! Hey!

Who threw up in here?

And where have you been
all night, mommy fattest?

I don't know. I don't
know where I am now.

But wherever I am, somebody
threw up everywhere.

Toot, your bad parenting

is having a terrible
effect on your child.

Look at her. She
is out of control.

[WOLF WHISTLE] Hey, baby.

How about some formula
with that shake?

Ah, she just needs
some discipline.

Baby, you're grounded!

[COOING]

Hey, watch your language,

you filthy whore!

Don't make me wash
out my mouth with ham.

[KIDS CRYING]

Sorry, kids. There's
no time to spare.

Not even enough to
slow down the vehicle.

[KIDS SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Oh, no. I'm too late.

The mad libber has gotten away.

He left a note.

I better get back
and decipher this.

To the Wooldoor truck.

I felt bad about
yelling at baby.

I decided to sit down and
have a real talk with her

about being a filthy whore.

Baby! Baby!

Come on. Open the door.
Mommy just wants to talk.

I brought you cookies.

Hey, what the... Did
you eat all my cookies?

Open the fucking door!

Oh, my god! My baby's run away!

My baby's run away!

[SOBBING]

[COOING]

[SIZZLING]

This note still doesn't
make any sense, Spanky.

How do you horribly
penis someone?

All right. But I'm only gonna
show this to you one more time.

Wait. I've got an idea.

Maybe if we filled in the blanks

with words other than "penis,"

the mad libber's note
would make more sense.

That's crazy, Wooldoor.

Just crazy enough to penis.

Spanky, I need a verb.

I think I've been
pretty flexible here,

but I'm telling you,

one of those blanks
has got to be "penis."

All right. Fine.

Ooh. This makes
a lot more sense.

"I will horribly kill you all

"by blowing up the town's dam

"using a bomb that I'll detonate

from the pentower."

Oh, my god! I've got to
get to the penis tower!

To the wool-delorean!

Whoa! Wait a second! No, no!
Wooldoor, wait!

Don't go!

Oh, no. Doc, I
think I'm too late.

I looked for my baby everywhere.

By the pool.

By the refrigerator.

By the pool again.

It was like she disappeared
off the face of the earth.

We can't find your
baby anywhere.

You're not looking hard enough!
Oh, did you check the fridge?

Excuse me. Is this yours?

Child services.

My arch-nemesis.

We meet again,

Miss love.

So tell me. How aquametta
and little ray-ray?

You mean heather
and Raymond-Raymond.

They're very happy now
with the jurgensens.

Oh! Where were you?

Since you've been gone,
I've been so drunk.

I mean wasted. No. Shit-faced

yeah, that's it. Shit-faced.

Miss Braunstein, we found
your baby shoplifting.

Shoplifting?

I spared you the pain of
all those vaccination shots,

and this is how you repay me?

Oh, it gets worse.

She stole a home pregnancy test.

A pregnancy...

And it's positive.

One of these buildings
must be the penis tower.

[GASPS] But which one?

Maybe someone in this
building will know.

The dam will be
blown up in 3, 2...

Hold it right there, mad libber.

It's time to bring
you to justice

for the murder of captain girl.

Captain girl?

Who the hell is captain girl?

You know. Captain
Hero's old sidekick.

Captain Hero never
had a sidekick.

No one would work
with that lunatic.

What? If he never
had a sidekick,

that would mean...

That Captain Hero made
the whole thing up.

Captain Hero? What
the hell is going on?

I guess you deserve
to know the truth.

I made up captain girl.

But why would you do that?

I was jealous.

All the other superheroes
have sidekicks.

Batman has robin.
Aquaman has aqualad.

Why, even the mad libber
has the mighty quadriplegic.

Please take this costume off me.

So I lied and I made
up captain girl.

Then one lie led to another,

and the next thing you
know, she was dead.

Oh, captain girl! [SOBBING]

I too have lost a lot
of imaginary friends.

The important thing now

is that you accept that your
imaginary sidekick is gone

and I am here.

You're right, captain Wooldoor.

Now, what do you say you and
I make the mad libber pay

for what he did to my
beloved captain girl.

You mean together,
as your sidekick?

Yes.

Whee!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Quick, Wooldoor.
Let's get out of here.

To the Wooldoor chair.

Aah-aah! Why are you doing this?

Get in.

What about quadriplegic?

Silly, Wooldoor. He's just
a figment of my imagination.

Whee!

Where did I go wrong?

My baby was about
to have a baby.

Why was she doing this to me?

Oh, my god. Her water broke.

You think having a baby is
gonna solve all your problems?

You're not ready to be a mother.

She's crowning.

A baby isn't a toy.

It's a huge responsibility.

Oh! I get it now.

Thanks for teaching me that
motherhood is a joyless burden

best left to wealthy people

who can hire someone named
Loretta artera locerra

to do most of the
hard work for them.

I should've known that babies from
Nicaragua couldn't fix problems.

If they could, Nicaragua wouldn't
be such a shithole, would it?

[BABY CRYING]

I knew you'd figure it
out eventually, grandma.

Oh!

Seriously, Toot, you suck.

We'll be taking these now.

I think they'll be much happier
with loving, caring foster parents.

The jurgensens?

Oh, god, no. Those
people are monsters.

Now that that's taken care of,

let's all go get wasted.

My treat!

Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.

Child services here.

Do your part to control the
Nicaraguan baby population.

Have your babies from Nicaragua
spayed or neutered. Thank you.