Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - Foxxy vs. The Board of Education - full transcript

After it's revealed that Foxxy has been solving crimes without a license, she decides to go to college and earn a degree. The SATs, however, are stacked against her and there is no way for her to pass. Knowing that Asians are masters at standardized tests, she asks Ling-Ling to go in her place. Ling-Ling gets caught, unfortunately, prompting Foxxy to investigate the matter on her own and uncover a huge conspiracy. Meanwhile, Spanky contracts a computer virus, but can't get the medicine he needs to save his life because he has no health insurance. When Xandir tells him about the insurance that questers get, Spanky decides to get married with Xandir so he can get medical treatment. This naturally infuriates Clara, so she sets out to defend the institution of marriage by stopping them.

Hey, Xandir,

you know what job
you'd be perfect for?

Basket weaver?

Nope.

Director of homo land security.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, cap, guess what
I just told Xandir?

That he should be director
of homo land security?

How did you know?

You've told me,
like, 5 times now.

Plus I've always said he's
the right man for the job...



If you fat cats up in
Washington have the guts

to appoint someone who
thinks outside the box.

Ha ha! It just keeps
getting funnier every...

Aah! Uhh!

Ow! Oh, my god!

I'm crashing!

I've been downloaded
with a virus!

Downloaded?

C'est ce qui downloaded?

I'm an internet download pig!

That's the fucking premise

of my character, q-q-q-queer!

Everyone remain calm.

I will use my captain
hero communicator



to call 911.

[BEEPING] Wait.

I can fly!

Get in.

I think the hospital's that way!

This ain't no monster god.

It's Hans the
6-armed circus freak.

Well, Foxxy, you've
cracked yet another case.

So, I'll just need a copy of
your mystery solving license

so I can take this guy downtown.

Mystery solvin' whaa?

You don't have a
mystery solving license?

Child, I didn't
even go to college.

Then we're gonna have
to let this guy go.

But he's a child molester!

Licensed child molester.

People like you make me sick.

But... but...

Ah, but nothing. Without
your mystery solving license,

you aren't allowed to solve
any more mysteries ever again.

[GASPS]

Danny needs his puffs!

Someone get me
some fucking puffs!

What the hell's
wrong with me, doc?

[FARTS]

You've been downloaded with
the deadly cuddly bear virus.

You'll be dead within a week.

Oh, my god! I'm gonna die?

Yep, unless I give
you these drugs.

Drugs? Gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme!

You do have health
insurance, don't you?

Health whaa?

Oh... you...

Don't have health insurance.

Well, don't worry.

Aah!

Unh!

[ROARING] Aah!

FOXXY: I tried to forget

all about solving mysteries.

But forgetting,

like granddaddy when we played
bouncy horse, was very hard.

It seemed like everybody had
they mystery solving license.

Everybody but the Foxxy.

This is no genius werewolf.

It's just some near-sighted
Armenian woman.

This is no mummy.

This is just a
tragic burn victim.

[GROANING]

This is no fat monster.

Aah!

It's a blood fountain!

You're a good man, Captain Hero.

FOXXY: It wasn't fair!

Foxxy needed to get her
mystery solving license.

And everybody knows

there's only one way to do that.

Foxxy love is went to college.

Oh, my god!

Uhh! Ow!

[FARTS]

Boy, you really need
health insurance.

Too bad you're not in
the questing business.

I get great health insurance.

It would even cover
my wife and kids,

or more realistically,
a cocoa-skinned life partner.

Oh, Fernando,

one day I'll tame
your wild ways.

Dude, you mean if
I gay marry you,

I'd get free health insurance?

Well, I suppose.

Die or marry a homo.

I didn't know what to do.

Tell you what.

You decide, America!

ANNOUNCER: Log on now
and cast your vote.

ANNOUNCER: America, you decided.

With a grand total of 13 to 8,

Spanky will marry the homo.

♪ Indistinct singing ♪

This is so nice of you, Spanky.

How did you know I wanted to see

queenie mchomoslurp in
analsville on gay ice part gay?

Just a hunch.

Um... Xandir?

Oh!

S-Spanky, what are you doing?

[P.A. CHIMES]

Oh! I feel like a schoolboy.

But this is pretty good, too.

SPANKY: I was about
to propose to Xandir,

and then, out of nowhere,

that damn diamond vision
tried to move in on my man!

Oh, no, diamond vision!

I was here first!

I'll kill you, you
technological marvel!

[CAT SCREECHES] Oh, Spanky.

That is so sweet.

No one has ever fought for me...

For my honour.

I'll do it.

I'll gay marry you
for the insurance.

FOXXY: So I tried to
study up for them sats,

but it became abundantly
clear that this was just

another conspiracy to
keep the black man down.

Like swimmin'.

This whole test is
racially biased.

Question number one...

"what S.P.F. Lotion
would you use

"if you was gonna spend a
day at the polo grounds,

fellow Klan member?"

Oh, you don't need sunblock if
you've got your Klan hood on.

Everyone knows that, Foxxy.

Unh! Huh?

Hmm!

[SCREAMING]

♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪

♪ Fulfil destiny of the soul ♪

♪ Severed souls... ♪

[GASPS]

Ling-Ling gots a perfect score!

Well, of course.

Orientals are genetically
good at standardised tests.

Uh, duh!

[HUMMING ASIAN MELODY]

Ling-Ling, you need to
take my sats for me.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

I'll be your best friend.

Ah!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Hiya!

[SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

We are gathered here today

to give these 2
queens special rights.

Aah! What is this
unholy abomination?

Hi, Clara.

You're just in time to witness

a fake gay marriage for
the health insurance.

What? If gays get married,

the institution of
marriage will be destroyed!

Societies will crumble!

Rivers will run with blood!

Nazis will once again
ride on dinosaurs!

I'll take care of this.

Hey, Clara, there's
a Jew outside

trying to poison a well!

Aah! Oh, my god!

Get away from that well, Hebrew.

What? I'm putting in water
purification tablets.

Spanky tricked me.

As god as my witness,

I'll put an end to
this gay marriage.

I swear! [THUNDER]

Nice tits.

[GASPS]

MAN: Heather Jaimeson?
GIRL: Here.

MAN: Rachel Forenstein?
GIRL: Here.

Foxxy Chaquafaffa Love?

Hiya!

Um, you don't look

like a black woman.

[BEAT BOXING]

Word, wiki-wiki,

fravor frav!

Right.

Aah!

[ROARING] Aah!

Aah!

The board of education
doesn't take kindly

to what you're doing.

We don't mind Asians taking
the test for white kids

or even the Jews,
but we'll be damned

if we'll let you
help the blacks.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

So, so, so.

Now, you're going back in there,

and you're gonna fail Miss
love's test on purpose.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

If you don't,

butch here is gonna
go to your house

and walk around...

Without taking off his shoes.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

Xandir and Spanky,

I pronounce you

legally gay married.

And now for the traditional
stomping of the mayonnaise packets.

ALL: Mazeltoff!

Oh!

[ALL CHEERING]

Xandir, you saved my life.

You're as kind as
the $3.00 bill.

I wish there was some
way I could repay you.

Well, I... I was hoping

you'd stop defecating
in my sock drawer.

Jesus, woman! We've only
been married 5 minutes,

and you're already nagging?

I need my space.

This is princess Clara

calling for the
king of insurance.

Yes, I'd like to report

a fake gay marriage.

And I'd like to report
a great set of tits.

[SQUIRREL MUMBLING]

XANDIR: I'd done the right thing

and gay married Spanky
for the insurance.

Those pills worked great, doc.

Now the only fever I have

is disco fever!

[STAYIN' ALIVE BY
THE BEE GEES PLAYING]

Hey, yeah, whoo! Ha ha!

A few more weeks of treatment,
and you'll be cured.

Health insurance rocks!

You can throw out your condoms

and really start living life!

Hey, you want to go play
in that medical waste dump?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Look at me!

I'm making medical waste angels!

[LAUGHING]

I cut myself.

I hate to spoil
your fun, Spanky,

but the king of
insurance is coming

to verify your
so-called marriage.

Soon, your whole sinful
scam will be over.

Ta-ta!

[LAUGHING]

Great, now I'm gonna
lose my insurance.

I'll be more diseased
than dumpy the waste man!

Kill me!

My test scores came!

580?

Ling-Ling, what the
h-e-single-hockey-stick happened?

I decided to solve the Asian-failing-the-
standardised-test mystery

even if I didn't have some
fancy mystery solving license.

So, I drove right over to
that board of education place,

even if I didn't have some
fancy driver's license.

Now, those are some fat rides

for state employees.

Hmm...

Seems like you can
make lots of cheddar

in the education racket.

[ALARM BLARING]

Put your hands in the air!

And don't even think about

waving them around like
you just don't care.

Oh, lordy!

Oh, this is not the chafing
dish we registered for!

Mother fucker! [CAT SCREECHES]

Would you shut up? I'm so dead.

Now the king of insurance is gonna
know we're not really married.

All right, calm down.
All we need to do

is make it look
like we're married.

And nothing says "just
fake gay married"

like a fake gay honeymoon!

WOOLDOOR: Say cheese!

Cheese! Cheese!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Thank god you're here,
king of insurance.

Oh, well, of course.

If there's a fake marriage
for the insurance,

then I must put a stop to it.

We don't want Nazis riding
on dinosaurs, do we?

BOTH: ♪ la la la
la la la la la la ♪

Well, they seem
like pansies to me.

Oh, they're totally acting.

Well, then I'll need some
proof of your marriage.

Check out these
honeymoon pictures.

We travelled around the world!

Going around the world doesn't
prove they're gay married.

The moon isn't gay married.

I can assure you, your highness,

we're a very committed couple.

Yes, we even adopted one
of those Philippino babies.

What? That's just
a piece of paper

with the word "baby"
written on it.

Don't make fun of
our little Timmy.

[WHISPERS] He's sensitive.

BABY VOICE: Someday,
when I grow up,

I'm gonna be an origami swan.

You'll see!

A big, beautiful origami swan.

So fuck you!

Well, I must say

you do have very
impressive evidence.

Come on, Spanky's not gay.

If he's so gay, let's
see him do the hat dance.

You're thinking of the Mexicans.

The gays have the butt sex.

Well, then let's
see you do that.

Whoa, yes!

Please do.

God damn it. I should've
done the hat dance.

Aah!

[GROANING]

MAN: Welcome, Miss love.

Who do you think you is?

I is...

The board of education.

Holy crap!

You from the
schoolhouse roc gang.

What the hell is
going on around here?

Now that you've been captured,

it's safe to tell you our plan.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ I am the board of education ♪

♪ I'm here to serve the
interests of our nation ♪

♪ But keeping kids learning ♪

♪ Doesn't fetch
much of an earning ♪

♪ So to make some decent money ♪

♪ Something had to be done ♪

Being the genius that I am,

I combined 2 time-honoured
American methods

of achieving wealth...

Selling stupid stuff to suckers

and exploiting the black man.

♪ Now we make
countless millions ♪

♪ Off the worthless crap
that black folks buy ♪

♪ From their very
first gold Tooth ♪

♪ Down to their
pimped out rides ♪

♪ Huge medallions, tacky bling ♪

♪ No one would
buy those things ♪

♪ Unless there was a way ♪

♪ To keep them gullibly dumb ♪

♪ So we keep them
out of college ♪

♪ It's what needs to be done ♪

So, you see why we can't
let blacks pass the sats.

No educated person
would spend money

on gold rims, purple
leather seats,

and flip-down LCD
screens for $3,000 geos.

You racist blockhead!

You'll never get away
with anything that stupid.

Oh, yeah?

Well, as we speak,

my secret weapon is on a train,

set to distributed
throughout the country

to make sure no black person

ever passes their sats

ever again.

Good-bye, Foxxy love.

[LAUGHS]

[ROARING]

Oops. Wrong lever.

[LAUGHS]

Aah! [ROARS]

[CLANKS]

So... darling...

Are you ready?

Ironically, the only way

I could get rid of the virus

was to have gay sex.

I tried to think of the
sexiest thoughts I could

to get the blood flowing.

Mm-hmm. All right.

Next. Done and done.

Huh? What the...

OK. Mm-hmm.

Indeedy-deed.

Cookie flip.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

But nothing seemed to work.

King, I'm not gay!

♪ Told you ♪

Your insurance is hereby...

R-r-r-r-r-r-revoked!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[GRUNTS] Hmm!

Oh.

OK.

Hmm.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[ROARING]

Aah!

Ling-Ling!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[ROARS] [SCREAMS]

Hiya!

Waah!

Hiya!

Aah!

[GROANS]

♪ Kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪

Oh, Ling-Ling,

you saved my ass.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[ROARS]

FOXXY: No!

FOXXY: With Ling-Ling dead,

I could only think
of one thing...

Man, that Ling-Ling pelt

sure would make some
pimpin' seat covers!

But there was no
time for that now.

I had to put a stop to
the board of education.

Huh?

[GASPS]

[SOBBING]

Huh? Hmm?

[GRUNTING]

Let's see.

Where is this secret weapon?

Aha!

The shipment is on a cargo train

leaving Cleveland at 4:30 at
a speed of 50 miles per hour.

It's headed to Cincinnati,
which is 70 miles away.

What time will the
train reach Cincinnati?

"A," 5:15;

"B," 5:25;

"C"... Oh, I can't do this!

[SOBS]

Ling-Ling!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Maybe you're right, Ling-Ling.

Maybe I can do this!

Hmm, let's see.

I'm gonna get 38
miles, carry the 2,

take away the minus,
add a semicolon,

put that dot on the left side.

Um... uh...

The answer is "D"!

"D," right! It's "D"!

5:20. I knew I could do it.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Wait!

Mr. King! Look!

Marriage isn't about having sex.

Uh, ask any married person.

Hoo-hoo, that's so true.

It's about caring and sharing

and being there for each other.

Now, Xandir and I

may never have had gay sex,

but we didn't do those
other things, either.

So, punishing me would be like

punishing every married person

who never didn't do anything.

Spanky ham...

Your convoluted logic

has swayed me.

I hereby issue you

health insurance coverage

permanently and
ir-r-r-r-r-r-revocably.

Oh, you did it, my
darling husband!

I got health insurance forever!

Oh, hey!

Let's go tell dumpy
the waste man!

SPANKY: Hey, dumpy! Guess what!

DUMPY: Kill me!

FOXXY: Now, Foxxy
might not be great

with numbers or words or stuff,

but she great at
pullin' trains over.

Wow, Foxxy, you caught
the board of education.

We've been trying to
nail him for months.

Heh heh! How'd you do it?

I had help from a friend...

A dead friend.

And now to uncover the
board of education's

ultimate racist weapon.

What the hell is this?

We invented a menthol,
grape-flavoured, number 2 pencil.

Black test-takers
wouldn't be able

to resist eating their
writing utensils,

so they'll never
finish the exam.

Damn. Just when
you thought racism

couldn't get anymore racismer...

You really think black people
won't be able to stop themselves

from eating these grape-flavoured
mentholated pencils?

[SNIFFS] Actually, they
do smell kinda nice.

Maybe if I just have
a little nibble...

Congratulations, Foxxy.

We're giving you an honorary
mystery-solving badge.

[MUFFLED] Mystery-solving badge?

If you gots a badge that
can solve mysteries,

what you need Foxxy for?

[POLICEMEN GRUNTING]

[SPANKY AND XANDIR LAUGHING]

BOTH: ♪ la la la la la la la... ♪

Seeing Spanky treat Xandir
with new-found respect

made me realise...

2 men can be as close
as a man and a woman.

And maybe, just maybe,

one little gay marriage
won't ruin the world.

[ROARS]

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING]