Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 11 - Tim and Xandir, Sitting in a Tree... - full transcript
After watching a badly-written TV show, the house-mates talk about how wonderful it would be if they had some way of knowing beforehand what shows are worth watching. Just then, a copy of Entertainment Weekly magically comes down the chimney with all the information they'd been hoping for. Inside, however, they find a review of their own show, which receives a grade of "F". This sends everyone into a panic and causes Spanky, who is singled out for particular criticism, to give up reality TV and return to his former life. Meanwhile, Hero says that his gay friend Tim is in town for a visit, and asks Xandir if he'd like to show him around. Xandir quickly realizes that Tim is actually Hero wearing glasses, and sets out to make Hero acknowledge that he has feelings for men as well as women.
Ahh! Doh!
What was that for?
To help me remember something.
Oh, yes. I need to
ask you a favour.
My friend, Tim Thomasen, is making
his first trip to the big city,
and I was hoping you
could hang out with him.
Every time Captain Hero
asks me to do him a favour,
it turns into something
like totally insane,
and I usually get hurt.
Like when he asked me to help
him train for the Olympics.
Pull!
Waah!
There is no way I'm doing
another favour for you.
Ooh. The Captain Hero signal.
I must away.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did you come back to
hit me again, hero?
What? I'm not Captain Hero.
I'm his friend,
the mild-mannered small-town
reporter, Tim Thomasen.
How funny that you
think I'm hero,
since I have dark
skin and blond hair
that flows like a
river of sexy wheat.
I am supposed to meet a person
by the name of "xan-dir."
Tell me. Do you know him, ma'am?
Oh, fuck me.
ANNOUNCER: Hey, join
us next week, kids,
for a whole nother adventure.
Bye-bye.
Goddamn it, that
was real terrible.
Hey, you know what I
thought of that show?
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ohh! Ahh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Yeah.
[FARTING]
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah. You know what
I thought of that show?
Didn't care for it.
Me neither.
There must be some way to know ahead
of time which shows we should watch.
Huh?
Entertainment weekly!
"Like a homosexual with amnesia,
we come out every week."
Oh, my god. Our prayers
have been answered.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Wow. Look at this. Cool.
Whose room is this?
That's the bathroom.
You'd know that even if
you weren't captain...
Oh, never mind.
Oh, you crazy big-city folk.
Oh, and I bet this is
Captain Hero's room.
You can tell 'cause it
smells like dirty socks
and small-minded hatred.
[CHUCKLING]
And super spunk.
[THINKING] I had no idea
what that lunatic was up to,
but when hero wears those
glasses and calls himself Tim,
he isn't nearly the
asshole he usually is.
Xandir, you know what's fun?
Grapes. Grapes are fun.
Really? I think grapes are fun.
Grapes are fun.
Oh, hey, we should hit
the farmers market.
Isn't that a "vine" idea?
We are so there.
ALL: Ooh!
Ooh!
Entertainment weekly.
It's so beautiful.
And look. It tells us
what music to listen to.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
And which books to burn.
And these cool little numbers
tell you what page you're on.
Oh, my god. There's a
review of Drawn Together.
That's us. That's our show.
Read it out loud.
Ahem.
"Taking offensiveness
to new levels,
"Drawn Together is so bad,
"it's bad for you
"and more appropriately belongs
"in 'what not to watch.'
LETTER GRADE: F"?
ALL: Aah!
Oh, Tim, you're such a stitch.
You're so much more
fun than Captain Hero.
"Oh, look at me.
"I'm a big, dumb superhero
who's big and dumb.
Now I'm fondling a girl.
Oopsy. She's dead."
Ohh!
You did not just do that.
It unsnaps in the front.
Our father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name...
SPANKY: Everyone was taking
our "F" in entertainment weekly
way too hard.
But I knew just how
to cheer 'em up.
Well, you know what I
think of the review.
Pull my finger.
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ohh!
Goddamn it, Spanky!
It's low-brow farts like that
that Mae-w give us a fucking f!
[FARTS] Oopsy.
What? That was a crease,
and I only laughed
'cause it tickled.
Toot is right. Spanky
ruined everything.
Spanky, you suck.
Guys, guys, guys.
I'm sue-w makes mistakes.
Let's see.
The growing pains
reunion got a c-.
It was slightly below average.
My god.
Entertainment weekly
is all knowing,
like Allah herself,
which means my
farts aren't funny.
No!
Shh.
Captain Hero would kill us if
he knew we were out all night.
He can't know, OK?
He can't know what?
Oh. OK, I guess you're
Captain Hero now.
Where the hell have
you been all night
with my mild-mannered
friend Tim Thomasen?
You know exactly where we were.
We were at the pond having drinks.
You gave Tim
alcoholic beverages?
I'll fucking kill you!
It started to make sense.
Captain Hero had created Tim
as a way to explore
his homosexual side.
It was a little like
when he created El choco
to explore his gangbanger side.
What you sayin'
to me now, homes?
Don't you know I'm loco?
[GASPS]
If you so much as
think about Tim again,
I'll do this.
Ooh!
Only I won't do this to me.
I'll do it to...
I'll do it to you, bub.
Spanky, where are you going?
I'm holding the show back, kid.
Without my lame potty humour,
e-w can give you guys a "C"
or maybe even a solid "B."
"M." oh! Look. I can't stop.
See you, Wooldoor.
Spanky wait!
Waah! Ohh!
Oh! Ooh!
Ooh! Oh! Ooh!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you like that,
don't you, bitch? Oh!
Ooh.
Oh, Tim, go away.
I can't. I Miss you.
I Miss us.
If Captain Hero
happens to show up,
he's gonna kill me.
Oh, come on, Xandir. We
have a real connection.
I know you feel it, too.
I wish I could quit you.
Didn't we have a "grape" time?
Oh! Oh! I guess we did.
But I think you and hero need to
figure out your differences first.
Oh, how I wish we could,
but Captain Hero is not
ready to accept who I am.
Not yet. If anyone, you
can understand that.
Can't you?
Ahh. All too well.
Sometimes it's just easier
to stay in the closet.
Isn't it, Craig?
Ahh. OK, but we
have to be discreet.
Understand?
Oh, I do. I do. I
shall find you at dawn.
Good night, my sweet xan-dir.
Hmm. [GASPS]
SPANKY: So I left
the Drawn Together house
and returned to my old
fart-free existence
with the wife and kid.
Oh, honey, welcome home.
I'm so glad you're back.
Yeah. Great. Good
to see you, Todd.
Randy. Randy.
SPANKY: I had to put
food on the table,
so I got the only boring job a
high-school dropout can find these days.
Hostage negotiator.
See you later, sweetheart.
See you, randy.
It's Todd.
Todd.
♪ My baby takes
the morning train ♪
Put the gun down!
He's the only fucking dog who's
good enough to wear fucking pants?
Well, I wanna wear the
fucking pants for once.
[GUNSHOT] [GROANS]
♪ Waiting for him ♪
♪ My baby takes
the morning train ♪
♪ He works from 9
till 5 and then ♪
♪ He takes another home again ♪
SPANKY: Billy, mommy
says god will decide
who should pay for
the sins of the world.
Mommy will live
inside me forever.
[GUNSHOT]
♪ Only when he's with me ♪
♪ I catch life ♪
♪ Only when he gives me ♪
♪ Makes me feel all right ♪
♪ Ohhhh ♪
So Tim and I continued
our forbidden romance,
but danger was lurking
around every corner.
[GASPS]
Xandir, you haven't
seen Tim, have you?
Uh... uh, no. No. Of course not.
Whee! Higher!
Higher!
The only thing that
scared me more than hero
were the feelings I
was having for Tim.
Oh, and bees. I hate bees.
Maybe we should go somewhere
a little more private.
Perhaps a dark, secluded bedroom
where nothing can find us.
Nothing...
But passion.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Mmm! Mmm!
Ahh!
I just know Xandir and
Tim are up to something.
I can feel it in my gut.
[GRUNTING]
Aah! Aah!
[YAWNS]
What do we got?
Yeah. Some nut
job in the arcade.
He's threatening
to whack 'em all.
Wack a mole?
Isn't that a game?
Not to us it's not.
We're gonna take him out.
I don't have a hostage. I'm
just playing wack a mole.
Jesus! He's got a
heavily-padded novelty mallet!
Don't shoot! Please!
You're not safe here, sir.
Standard swat procedure requires us
to pull the negotiator out
of harm's way by his finger.
[FARTS]
Excuse me.
That's awesome!
Hey, aren't you Spanky
ham from Drawn Together?
I was... Once.
I loved you on that show.
You were the best part.
You fart when the rest
of us are afraid to fart.
Really? You guys like that?
Well, check this out. Huh!
[FARTING]
He farted!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
At that moment, I
realised my farts we funny.
They made all these people
feel joy in their hearts.
Whoever smelt it, felt it.
That's it. I quit.
I'm going back to the
Drawn Together house.
Yeah!
Oh! Fire!
Aah!
CAPTAIN HERO:
Something was aMiss.
Xandir was acting strange,
Tim Thomasen was awfully quiet,
and I noticed that I was getting
fucked in the ass more than usual.
So I decided to put on a disguise
and get to the bottom of it.
Oh, hello, Xandir. It
is I, tom Thomasen.
I am enjoying glasses wearing.
And you are?
Oh, Tim, last night
was so special.
I mean, I've had a lot
of gay sex in my life...
A lot of gay Se...
I mean, a lot, a lot,
a lot, a lot of gay Se...
I had a lot... Lots of gay sex.
Huge, huge amounts of...
Lots.
Right, Craig?
But last night
was the first time
I've ever... Made love.
You what?
Why, I should kill
you where you stand.
Oh, goddamn it.
[GROANS]
You will never see Tim again.
Ever!
Unless you catch him
in his room packing.
Ever since we got that F
things seemed to fall apart.
Now, some would say we's
a bit over sensitive to
the honest criticism of a
professional TV reviewer.
But in our defence...
Fuck you e-w!
[HISSING]
Sucker.
Guys, Spanky's back,
and he brought a friend.
[FARTS]
Yeah. I was once like you guys.
I, too, lost my way.
We aren't failures.
E-w is the failure.
All over the world
people laugh at us.
People laugh at farts.
People laugh at violence.
People laugh at...
Fat jokes.
And stereotypes.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
And stereotypes.
And stimulant tassels.
We've got to do
something, people.
Hell, if one bad review
can do this to us,
imagine what entertainment
weekly can do to other shows.
MAN: But other shows don't suck!
Yeah, but still...
I say we confront this reviewer
and make sure she never gives her
insightful, unbiased opinions ever again.
Now, who's with me?
[CHEERING]
Charge!
Tim, what are you doing?
Captain Hero is sending me away.
So this is good-bye, Xandir.
Forever.
Tim, wait.
You have to tell Captain Hero
that you want to
explore these feelings.
Yes, but... But I'm scared.
It's OK to be scared.
But it's not OK to deny
who you really are.
You get it now, Craig?
I'll do it, Xandir.
I'll do it for you.
I'll do it for us.
Sensors indicate
that the TV reviewer
is at the end of the hall.
OK, guys, show no mercy.
Remember, these people
work in cubicles.
So they're already dead inside.
Let's move.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Why are you stabbing yourself?
Why are you stabbing yourself?
Yay!
Wahhhh!
We have a 9:15 to
see the TV reviewer.
We're a little early.
Oh, you're the Drawn Together gang.
Of course. She's been expecting you.
Can I get you some coffee?
Yeah. Sure.
Oh, my god. They're dead.
They're all dead.
What should I do?
Whee!
Whee!
Oh, my god. Did you tell him?
How did it go?
You tell me.
[GASPS] Oh, baby.
What kind of a jerk would
hit himself wearing glasses?
I tried to fight back, xan-dir.
I think I broke his nose.
[SNIFFS] Ooh!
Don't look. I'm hideous.
Oh, god. Is there
anything I can do?
Actually, there is.
[GASPS]
XANDIR: This whole
thing was crazy,
but it also kind of made sense.
Obviously, a superhero
is impervious to bullets.
But Tim needed me to
shoot Captain Hero
and symbolically kill the
homophobic side of himself.
Captain Hero?
I'm doing this
for your own good.
What are you... [GRUNTING]
Aah! [GRUNTS]
Tim.
I thought you were Captain Hero.
Yeah. I get that a lot.
But don't feel
bad, dear xan-dir.
I've been living for
30-something years.
But only since I met
you have I truly felt...
Alive.
[COUGHING]
Tim, before you go,
I just need to know one thing.
Yes, sweet xan-dir?
Are we done?
Like, are you gonna
cut the shit now?
Yeah, I guess so.
Good. Now, leave me alone.
Xandir, I just wanted
to see if I was.
And, you know, it
turns out I wasn't.
It's Captain Hero,
not captain homo.
Whatever.
And promise to keep
this between us, buddy.
I don't want anyone to
think I'm cuckoo, cuckoo.
Well, guys, if any of you
are gonna chicken out,
now's the time.
ALL: Aah!
Aah!
All right.
All right, TV reviewer,
you've gone too far.
And who are you to tell us...
what the hell!
No wonder you hate the show.
You're everything
we make fun of.
You're Jewish, conservative,
pro-life, born-again,
overweight, Asian, homophobic
lesbian broad who cuts herself.
So?
So maybe someone who
doesn't happen to be
a Jewish, conservative,
pro-life, born-again,
overweight, Indian homophobic
lesbian broad who cuts herself
might not be
offended by the show.
I have every right to tell
people what I think of your show.
Yes! But people should know
you're not our
audience, asshole!
Listen, Mr. Ham.
The fact is, we're both right.
I'm not exactly your
target audience.
And your show is a
steamy pile of shit.
Well, that's fair.
Now, if you do want some
constructive criticism,
the biggest problem
with your show
is you never know how to end it.
That is so not true.
Where to, Mr. Ham?
To the rodeo, bumpers.
The rodeo.
Of course, sir. Cheerio.
ANNOUNCER: Hey, join
us next week, kids,
for a whole nother adventure.
Bye-bye. Huh-huh-huh.
Goddamn it, that
was real terrible.
Hey, you know what I
thought of that show?
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[FARTING CONTINUES]
What was that for?
To help me remember something.
Oh, yes. I need to
ask you a favour.
My friend, Tim Thomasen, is making
his first trip to the big city,
and I was hoping you
could hang out with him.
Every time Captain Hero
asks me to do him a favour,
it turns into something
like totally insane,
and I usually get hurt.
Like when he asked me to help
him train for the Olympics.
Pull!
Waah!
There is no way I'm doing
another favour for you.
Ooh. The Captain Hero signal.
I must away.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did you come back to
hit me again, hero?
What? I'm not Captain Hero.
I'm his friend,
the mild-mannered small-town
reporter, Tim Thomasen.
How funny that you
think I'm hero,
since I have dark
skin and blond hair
that flows like a
river of sexy wheat.
I am supposed to meet a person
by the name of "xan-dir."
Tell me. Do you know him, ma'am?
Oh, fuck me.
ANNOUNCER: Hey, join
us next week, kids,
for a whole nother adventure.
Bye-bye.
Goddamn it, that
was real terrible.
Hey, you know what I
thought of that show?
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ohh! Ahh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Yeah.
[FARTING]
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah. You know what
I thought of that show?
Didn't care for it.
Me neither.
There must be some way to know ahead
of time which shows we should watch.
Huh?
Entertainment weekly!
"Like a homosexual with amnesia,
we come out every week."
Oh, my god. Our prayers
have been answered.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Wow. Look at this. Cool.
Whose room is this?
That's the bathroom.
You'd know that even if
you weren't captain...
Oh, never mind.
Oh, you crazy big-city folk.
Oh, and I bet this is
Captain Hero's room.
You can tell 'cause it
smells like dirty socks
and small-minded hatred.
[CHUCKLING]
And super spunk.
[THINKING] I had no idea
what that lunatic was up to,
but when hero wears those
glasses and calls himself Tim,
he isn't nearly the
asshole he usually is.
Xandir, you know what's fun?
Grapes. Grapes are fun.
Really? I think grapes are fun.
Grapes are fun.
Oh, hey, we should hit
the farmers market.
Isn't that a "vine" idea?
We are so there.
ALL: Ooh!
Ooh!
Entertainment weekly.
It's so beautiful.
And look. It tells us
what music to listen to.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
And which books to burn.
And these cool little numbers
tell you what page you're on.
Oh, my god. There's a
review of Drawn Together.
That's us. That's our show.
Read it out loud.
Ahem.
"Taking offensiveness
to new levels,
"Drawn Together is so bad,
"it's bad for you
"and more appropriately belongs
"in 'what not to watch.'
LETTER GRADE: F"?
ALL: Aah!
Oh, Tim, you're such a stitch.
You're so much more
fun than Captain Hero.
"Oh, look at me.
"I'm a big, dumb superhero
who's big and dumb.
Now I'm fondling a girl.
Oopsy. She's dead."
Ohh!
You did not just do that.
It unsnaps in the front.
Our father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name...
SPANKY: Everyone was taking
our "F" in entertainment weekly
way too hard.
But I knew just how
to cheer 'em up.
Well, you know what I
think of the review.
Pull my finger.
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ohh!
Goddamn it, Spanky!
It's low-brow farts like that
that Mae-w give us a fucking f!
[FARTS] Oopsy.
What? That was a crease,
and I only laughed
'cause it tickled.
Toot is right. Spanky
ruined everything.
Spanky, you suck.
Guys, guys, guys.
I'm sue-w makes mistakes.
Let's see.
The growing pains
reunion got a c-.
It was slightly below average.
My god.
Entertainment weekly
is all knowing,
like Allah herself,
which means my
farts aren't funny.
No!
Shh.
Captain Hero would kill us if
he knew we were out all night.
He can't know, OK?
He can't know what?
Oh. OK, I guess you're
Captain Hero now.
Where the hell have
you been all night
with my mild-mannered
friend Tim Thomasen?
You know exactly where we were.
We were at the pond having drinks.
You gave Tim
alcoholic beverages?
I'll fucking kill you!
It started to make sense.
Captain Hero had created Tim
as a way to explore
his homosexual side.
It was a little like
when he created El choco
to explore his gangbanger side.
What you sayin'
to me now, homes?
Don't you know I'm loco?
[GASPS]
If you so much as
think about Tim again,
I'll do this.
Ooh!
Only I won't do this to me.
I'll do it to...
I'll do it to you, bub.
Spanky, where are you going?
I'm holding the show back, kid.
Without my lame potty humour,
e-w can give you guys a "C"
or maybe even a solid "B."
"M." oh! Look. I can't stop.
See you, Wooldoor.
Spanky wait!
Waah! Ohh!
Oh! Ooh!
Ooh! Oh! Ooh!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you like that,
don't you, bitch? Oh!
Ooh.
Oh, Tim, go away.
I can't. I Miss you.
I Miss us.
If Captain Hero
happens to show up,
he's gonna kill me.
Oh, come on, Xandir. We
have a real connection.
I know you feel it, too.
I wish I could quit you.
Didn't we have a "grape" time?
Oh! Oh! I guess we did.
But I think you and hero need to
figure out your differences first.
Oh, how I wish we could,
but Captain Hero is not
ready to accept who I am.
Not yet. If anyone, you
can understand that.
Can't you?
Ahh. All too well.
Sometimes it's just easier
to stay in the closet.
Isn't it, Craig?
Ahh. OK, but we
have to be discreet.
Understand?
Oh, I do. I do. I
shall find you at dawn.
Good night, my sweet xan-dir.
Hmm. [GASPS]
SPANKY: So I left
the Drawn Together house
and returned to my old
fart-free existence
with the wife and kid.
Oh, honey, welcome home.
I'm so glad you're back.
Yeah. Great. Good
to see you, Todd.
Randy. Randy.
SPANKY: I had to put
food on the table,
so I got the only boring job a
high-school dropout can find these days.
Hostage negotiator.
See you later, sweetheart.
See you, randy.
It's Todd.
Todd.
♪ My baby takes
the morning train ♪
Put the gun down!
He's the only fucking dog who's
good enough to wear fucking pants?
Well, I wanna wear the
fucking pants for once.
[GUNSHOT] [GROANS]
♪ Waiting for him ♪
♪ My baby takes
the morning train ♪
♪ He works from 9
till 5 and then ♪
♪ He takes another home again ♪
SPANKY: Billy, mommy
says god will decide
who should pay for
the sins of the world.
Mommy will live
inside me forever.
[GUNSHOT]
♪ Only when he's with me ♪
♪ I catch life ♪
♪ Only when he gives me ♪
♪ Makes me feel all right ♪
♪ Ohhhh ♪
So Tim and I continued
our forbidden romance,
but danger was lurking
around every corner.
[GASPS]
Xandir, you haven't
seen Tim, have you?
Uh... uh, no. No. Of course not.
Whee! Higher!
Higher!
The only thing that
scared me more than hero
were the feelings I
was having for Tim.
Oh, and bees. I hate bees.
Maybe we should go somewhere
a little more private.
Perhaps a dark, secluded bedroom
where nothing can find us.
Nothing...
But passion.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Mmm! Mmm!
Ahh!
I just know Xandir and
Tim are up to something.
I can feel it in my gut.
[GRUNTING]
Aah! Aah!
[YAWNS]
What do we got?
Yeah. Some nut
job in the arcade.
He's threatening
to whack 'em all.
Wack a mole?
Isn't that a game?
Not to us it's not.
We're gonna take him out.
I don't have a hostage. I'm
just playing wack a mole.
Jesus! He's got a
heavily-padded novelty mallet!
Don't shoot! Please!
You're not safe here, sir.
Standard swat procedure requires us
to pull the negotiator out
of harm's way by his finger.
[FARTS]
Excuse me.
That's awesome!
Hey, aren't you Spanky
ham from Drawn Together?
I was... Once.
I loved you on that show.
You were the best part.
You fart when the rest
of us are afraid to fart.
Really? You guys like that?
Well, check this out. Huh!
[FARTING]
He farted!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
At that moment, I
realised my farts we funny.
They made all these people
feel joy in their hearts.
Whoever smelt it, felt it.
That's it. I quit.
I'm going back to the
Drawn Together house.
Yeah!
Oh! Fire!
Aah!
CAPTAIN HERO:
Something was aMiss.
Xandir was acting strange,
Tim Thomasen was awfully quiet,
and I noticed that I was getting
fucked in the ass more than usual.
So I decided to put on a disguise
and get to the bottom of it.
Oh, hello, Xandir. It
is I, tom Thomasen.
I am enjoying glasses wearing.
And you are?
Oh, Tim, last night
was so special.
I mean, I've had a lot
of gay sex in my life...
A lot of gay Se...
I mean, a lot, a lot,
a lot, a lot of gay Se...
I had a lot... Lots of gay sex.
Huge, huge amounts of...
Lots.
Right, Craig?
But last night
was the first time
I've ever... Made love.
You what?
Why, I should kill
you where you stand.
Oh, goddamn it.
[GROANS]
You will never see Tim again.
Ever!
Unless you catch him
in his room packing.
Ever since we got that F
things seemed to fall apart.
Now, some would say we's
a bit over sensitive to
the honest criticism of a
professional TV reviewer.
But in our defence...
Fuck you e-w!
[HISSING]
Sucker.
Guys, Spanky's back,
and he brought a friend.
[FARTS]
Yeah. I was once like you guys.
I, too, lost my way.
We aren't failures.
E-w is the failure.
All over the world
people laugh at us.
People laugh at farts.
People laugh at violence.
People laugh at...
Fat jokes.
And stereotypes.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
And stereotypes.
And stimulant tassels.
We've got to do
something, people.
Hell, if one bad review
can do this to us,
imagine what entertainment
weekly can do to other shows.
MAN: But other shows don't suck!
Yeah, but still...
I say we confront this reviewer
and make sure she never gives her
insightful, unbiased opinions ever again.
Now, who's with me?
[CHEERING]
Charge!
Tim, what are you doing?
Captain Hero is sending me away.
So this is good-bye, Xandir.
Forever.
Tim, wait.
You have to tell Captain Hero
that you want to
explore these feelings.
Yes, but... But I'm scared.
It's OK to be scared.
But it's not OK to deny
who you really are.
You get it now, Craig?
I'll do it, Xandir.
I'll do it for you.
I'll do it for us.
Sensors indicate
that the TV reviewer
is at the end of the hall.
OK, guys, show no mercy.
Remember, these people
work in cubicles.
So they're already dead inside.
Let's move.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Why are you stabbing yourself?
Why are you stabbing yourself?
Yay!
Wahhhh!
We have a 9:15 to
see the TV reviewer.
We're a little early.
Oh, you're the Drawn Together gang.
Of course. She's been expecting you.
Can I get you some coffee?
Yeah. Sure.
Oh, my god. They're dead.
They're all dead.
What should I do?
Whee!
Whee!
Oh, my god. Did you tell him?
How did it go?
You tell me.
[GASPS] Oh, baby.
What kind of a jerk would
hit himself wearing glasses?
I tried to fight back, xan-dir.
I think I broke his nose.
[SNIFFS] Ooh!
Don't look. I'm hideous.
Oh, god. Is there
anything I can do?
Actually, there is.
[GASPS]
XANDIR: This whole
thing was crazy,
but it also kind of made sense.
Obviously, a superhero
is impervious to bullets.
But Tim needed me to
shoot Captain Hero
and symbolically kill the
homophobic side of himself.
Captain Hero?
I'm doing this
for your own good.
What are you... [GRUNTING]
Aah! [GRUNTS]
Tim.
I thought you were Captain Hero.
Yeah. I get that a lot.
But don't feel
bad, dear xan-dir.
I've been living for
30-something years.
But only since I met
you have I truly felt...
Alive.
[COUGHING]
Tim, before you go,
I just need to know one thing.
Yes, sweet xan-dir?
Are we done?
Like, are you gonna
cut the shit now?
Yeah, I guess so.
Good. Now, leave me alone.
Xandir, I just wanted
to see if I was.
And, you know, it
turns out I wasn't.
It's Captain Hero,
not captain homo.
Whatever.
And promise to keep
this between us, buddy.
I don't want anyone to
think I'm cuckoo, cuckoo.
Well, guys, if any of you
are gonna chicken out,
now's the time.
ALL: Aah!
Aah!
All right.
All right, TV reviewer,
you've gone too far.
And who are you to tell us...
what the hell!
No wonder you hate the show.
You're everything
we make fun of.
You're Jewish, conservative,
pro-life, born-again,
overweight, Asian, homophobic
lesbian broad who cuts herself.
So?
So maybe someone who
doesn't happen to be
a Jewish, conservative,
pro-life, born-again,
overweight, Indian homophobic
lesbian broad who cuts herself
might not be
offended by the show.
I have every right to tell
people what I think of your show.
Yes! But people should know
you're not our
audience, asshole!
Listen, Mr. Ham.
The fact is, we're both right.
I'm not exactly your
target audience.
And your show is a
steamy pile of shit.
Well, that's fair.
Now, if you do want some
constructive criticism,
the biggest problem
with your show
is you never know how to end it.
That is so not true.
Where to, Mr. Ham?
To the rodeo, bumpers.
The rodeo.
Of course, sir. Cheerio.
ANNOUNCER: Hey, join
us next week, kids,
for a whole nother adventure.
Bye-bye. Huh-huh-huh.
Goddamn it, that
was real terrible.
Hey, you know what I
thought of that show?
[FARTING]
Ooh!
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[FARTING CONTINUES]