Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Dirty Pranking Number 2 - full transcript
Spanky introduces Clara to the joys of pranking, much to her father's displeasure.
KING: Hello. King.
PRINCESS CLARA: Hi, father.
My dear Clara, what's wrong?
You sound upset.
I don't know, father.
It's just that I feel like
there's something Missing.
Did you check the
coloured girl's room?
No, I mean there's something
Missing from my life.
I was hoping I'd
come to this house.
And discover who I really am.
You are a princess.
Duh!
I know that, father,
but... but I long
for so much more.
Of course you do. Because
you're a princess,
and that's what princesses do.
They long for more.
Or die in a car crash in France.
Now, let us never
speak of this again.
Yes, father.
XANDIR: Sometimes I
think Captain Hero cares.
More about those boots
than our friendship.
I bet they never slew.
The man troll on
rainbow mountain.
Heh...
I said, "slew," right?
You know what's
funny, Captain Hero?
Elder abuse?
Well, yes, elder abuse,
and the fact that we
share the same room.
But never do anything together.
Like, you know, hang
out or go to the mall.
"Go to the mall"?
Is that some kind of gay code?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
No, no, it's not like that.
We could get snow
cones, try on outfits...
Oh, and get our picture
taken with Santa!
OK, fine.
Whoopee! Hoo hoo! Goody goody!
CAPTAIN HERO: I
figured, what the hell.
Make the gay kid happy.
Besides, I know a certain
pony-less superhero.
Who had a few choice words for Mr.
Claus.
CLARA: I was sulking
around the house.
Trying to find ways
to cheer myself up,
but nothing seemed
to be working.
But then I saw
something magical,
something that would
change me forever.
Focus!
OK, OK, OK.
[INHALING]
[UPPER-CLASS VOICE] Good
evening, delivery man of pizza.
[INDIAN ACCENT] That
will be $8.46, please.
[GRUNTING]
[PFFFT]
Here is your money, kind sir.
Oh, thank you... wait a second.
Uh, I don't remember
ordering this pizza...
With sausage!
Aah!
You suck!
I said, "with sausage!"
Oop!
Hey, what are you doing here?
[PANTING]
[CROWING]
CAPTAIN HERO: I was
picking out an outfit.
For my trip to the mall.
When I got an urgent phone call.
From the commissioner.
Hello. Commissioner?
Captain Hero here.
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm Captain Hero, and I can fly!
And I... do you mind, fudgey?!
I'm on the phone.
I don't care.
I gotta call my a.A. Sponsor.
[GIRLY VOICE] I said
I'm on the phone!
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm
sorry, commissioner.
That was Toot. She
is so annoying.
The other day I,
like, left my clothes.
In the washer for
maybe 5 minutes...
Maybe... and she
sneaks in, you know,
and she puts her wet
towel in the dryer.
So I'm like, "can I at least throw
my stuff in with your one towel?"
And she's all, "no!" So
I'm like, "whatever!"
Oh, do you have any
roommates, commissioner?
What?! Aladdin is about to
magic carpet bomb Israel?
I'm on my way!
Sorry, Xandir, no mall
today, gay friend.
[GRUNTS]
[SLURRING] Why don't you
love me, captain Morgan?
Huh? Aah!
Oh, no, you're bleeding.
I'll save you, captain Morgan.
[SLURPING]
CLARA: I couldn't stop thinking.
About Foxxy, Spanky,
and that pizza man.
I needed to learn more.
Well, that's it, Spanky.
We's brokah than a
newscaster of the same name.
I guess that was our
last pizza prank.
[GASPS] Wait!
Yo, princess, if you're
looking for the pizza,
you're too late.
We ate it already.
Here. Here's $8.26.
You too, huh? Here it is.
[BOING]
Jesus, Spanky! Put
that thing away!
Wait a minute! I thought you
wanted to see my thick 8!
That is disgusting!
Then what the hell's
the money for?
Here, I want you
to have this money.
For your little game
with the pizza man.
"Little game"?
Did you say, "little game"?
The travel size
edition of battleship,
that's a little game.
Screwing with the pizza man,
that's a way of life, my friend.
It's who I am.
CLARA: That look
in Spanky's eye.
I hadn't seen anything like it.
It was that passion.
That was so Missing
in my own life.
Wait! Spanky, please.
Take the money.
I need you to.
All right, fine.
OK, here's how
it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna finish my hair.
Spanky, you order the pizza.
And, Clara, you go
into the confessional.
And tell the camera how
you never felt so alive.
My first naughty prank.
I've never felt so alive!
BILL WITHERS: ♪ ain't no
sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm
when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine ♪
SPANKY: The princess
was so excited,
I figured I'd give her a chance
and let her call the pizza man.
That was a huge mistake.
I mean, it wasn't
as big a mistake.
As when I converted to
Islam in august of 2001,
but still pretty big.
Um, I would like to
order one large pizza.
Yes, uh, with doody on it!
No! Hello?
Ahem.
[CLARA'S VOICE]
Sorry about that.
We'll just take the pizza plain.
Just plain.
I'm sorry, Spanky.
[CLARA'S VOICE] Look, forget it.
Ahem.
[NORMAL VOICE] Just let Foxxy
and me handle it from here.
That way, nothing can
possibly go wrong.
Oh, my god!
I braided my hands into my rows!
I can't get 'em out!
Oh, this is so stupid.
Now who's gonna answer the door.
While I doot on the pizza?
Who? Come on!
Oh, Mr. Spanky, please,
if you will allow me to.
I can do it.
No way, josé!
You'll just screw it up again.
Come on, Spanky. Give
me a second chance.
Didn't you get a second chance.
When you were given that
dead schoolteacher's liver?
You know, you're right.
I'll let you do it.
Here's to second chances, kid!
[GULPING]
CLARA: What a fiasco.
The pizza would be here
in 30 minutes or less,
and with Foxxy's hands
stuck in her hair,
she was more useless
than a Mexican.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Hmm?
CLARA: Pulling off this
prank would take a miracle.
Well, hello, Mr. Pizza man.
$8.26, please, and this time,
no funny business.
Don't give him the money yet.
Get the pizza first
so I can doot on it.
You know, it'd be so much
easier for me to pay you.
If you give me the pizza first.
Oh, I do not see how that
could possibly be easier.
Now, give me the money first!
Abort! Abort!
OK, pizza man, we'll
do it your way.
Oh...
May this life bring
you the happiness.
It has so consistently
denied me.
You incompetent boob!
You gave him the money first,
and now he's gone!
I can't believe I trusted you.
Hmm!
[KNOCKING] PIZZA MAN: Madam!
You only gave me $5!
I need the full amount, please.
Oh... you're good.
Just, uh, give me a second!
FOXXY: Aw, I seen
this a million times.
Daddy's little girl
falls for some bad boy,
and then she go and
get herself pregnant.
And sells the child
on the black market.
To pay the bills.
Oh, little Timmy,
mommy Misses you.
Oh, I'm glad you came back,
'cause we got a little problem.
You see, I don't remember
ordering a pizza...
With sausage!
[ODE TO JOY PLAYING]
I...
Oh!
Buh! Oh...
[INDISTINCT POLICE
RADIO CHATTER]
You're going downtown, pig.
And where have you been?
I walked that entire mall.
All by myself.
Oh, was that today?
Yes, that was today!
Sorry. I had to restore peace.
To the middle east again.
Boy, those Muslims
are kooky, man.
I mean, have you
read that Koran?
It's mostly knock-knock
jokes and...
You used to care
about me, about us.
What? What?
You used to tell
me I was pretty.
No, I didn't. You used
to dress up for me!
Just that one time.
Oh, forget it.
I hope you enjoy the couch.
Xandir! I said couch!
[CROWING]
CLARA: What happened to me?
Messing with the
minimum wage pizza man,
going to jail.
Shivving my cellmate.
These are things a
princess should never do,
and that's why I
liked it so much.
What a rush!
You know, I, uh,
hate to admit it,
but, uh, you handled
yourself like a pro.
So, Clara, who bailed us out?
What? Didn't I see you.
On the phone with our roommates?
Well, actually, I had to take
care of some other business.
I'm sorry, man,
but we didn't order 20 pizzas.
With extra anchovies
and doody on them.
Oh, but it says right
here on the receipt.
Look out! He's got a receipt!
Please! No! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh...
You suck!
They shot him.
Oh...
Then who did bail us out?
I did. [GASPS]
Father?
And you!
Stay away from my daughter.
Wait!
KING: I'm taking you
back to the castle.
But, father... but nothing!
I can't go home now.
I'm finally learning
about the real me.
Please?
Oh... OK, my dear.
You may stay,
but I must make sure.
You never set eyes
on that pig again.
No! Don't stab my eyes!
Come on. Just a little
stab in the eye.
Just a little
stabbing in the eye.
No, father. No forking.
What if I just promise to
never see Spanky again, OK?
Forky pokey promise?
No! Just a promise.
Because you trust me.
Right, father?
Hmm. Fine. OK.
I do trust you.
Oh, father, thank you.
[GASPS]
Ah ha! 2 for flinching.
Ow!
Wow, Wooldoor,
that was the most
fun I've ever had.
CAPTAIN HERO: After
our little spat,
Xandir started spending
an awful lot of time.
Will that Wooldoor fella.
My super senses told me
he was just using him.
To make me jealous.
I can't imagine
having any more fun.
With anyone,
superhero or otherwise.
CAPTAIN HERO: And the
worst part about it was.
His plan was super working.
Hey, Xandir, listen,
I have some, uh, sick
days coming to me,
and if you're interested,
I'm up for a little
zoo action tomorrow.
Yeah! Oh, great!
The two of us will go
to the zoo tomorrow!
You know, just me and
you and not Wooldoor.
Oh...
If anybody needs me, I'll
be in the clock tower.
[COCKS]
Now, Clara,
you promise to stay away from
that boyishly handsome pig?
Yes, father.
I shall Miss you.
Mmm! Mmm!
Mwah!
SPANKY: Fine, if Clara wants.
To listen to her daddy
and never see me again,
then screw her, right?
I can find someone else.
To help me mess
with the pizza man.
You want to do
what to the pizza?!
The most tasty and delicious.
Of all that is
tasty and delicious!
So you can shit on it?!
I should kill you
where you stand!
Unh!
Aah!
[THUD]
I thought you promised daddy.
That you'd never see me again.
I know I did.
And, yes, I'm scared
to defy my father.
But I'm even more scared
of never again feeling.
The way I do...
When I'm with you.
Aw, baby, let's do it.
What? You mean...
Yes. I'll order the pizza.
Then you'll doot on it.
Then we'll say we
didn't order sausage.
I can't.
I mean, I want to. I really do,
but I'm just a princess.
That's your father
talking, Clara.
Come on. Take my hand.
Let me teach you.
I want you to pretend
this is a pizza box.
All right, head
up, back straight,
breathe.
Eyes closed.
Now, feel the poo
moving through.
Your digestive system.
Relax, relax.
Now, visualise emptying
your bowels slowly.
Onto the pizza.
Can you see it?
Oh, my god! I can see it!
I can see myself...
Emptying my bowels
onto the pizza.
Mmm...
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Thanks for everything, Spanky.
Last night was amazing.
Poo humour's always been so low.
On my list of priorities,
but now it's like...
Number 2. Number 2.
[PLAYING FANFARE]
Hear ye, hear ye,
the king will burst
in unexpectedly.
Clara? Clara?
Father, I didn't
expect you here.
[SCRAPING]
Father, what's happened to you?
On my journey home,
I was carriage-jacked.
[ALL GASPING]
I told his ass you
drive a carriage.
With phat rims like that
in this neighbourhood,
you asking for trouble.
It was horrible.
They took my carriage,
my horses, my crown,
but not my innocence.
No, I lost that a long time ago.
When I was just a naive prince.
Who would do anything to
please his jousting instructor.
Anything.
Who could've done this?!
All I know is I looked up.
Into a snot-dripping pig snout.
Pawing at me with
disgusting pig feet.
Like his!
[ALL GASPING]
Guard, grab him!
Father! No!
Crowny, it wasn't me.
I don't steal carriages.
I steal scenes.
♪ Figaro! Figaro! ♪
♪ Fi-Ga-ro ♪
Oh, and I suppose my carriage.
Was stolen by some
other disgusting pig.
[SLURRING] I don't
remember anything.
I think I might have
had a drink or two.
Are you calling me a liar?!
[CRUNCH]
Pig, I find you guilty.
Off with his head!
[BOTH GASPING]
Oh, you got the
tickets for the zoo?
What? I thought you had them.
Oh, Xandir...
Oh, you trick me
like that again,
and I'll fucking kill you.
Look out, zoo! Here we come!
[RINGS]
I'll get it.
Why don't you wait in the car?
And open the windows a bit.
Ling-Ling's been
in there all day.
[TEDDY BEAR SQUEAKS]
Commissioner? Hi!
How's the little one?
What's he now, like, 11?
Oh, I remember being that age.
Not a girl, not yet a woman.
What?!
Earth is being invaded
by robo-insect-a-bots.
With hats?!
[GASPS]
Oh... oh...
Unh! Oh...
Everyone!
And 10...
ALL: 9, 8, 7...
I knew Spanky couldn't have been
the one who carriage-jacked father,
because Spanky and I
spent the night together.
But if I told father that,
he'd never forgive me.
3... 9...
5... 4...
Wait!
Father, please.
I can prove it wasn't Spanky.
I have evidence that
will clear his name.
Spanky couldn't
have been the one.
Who carriage-jacked father,
because we spent
the night together.
Eh?
Oh, Clara, how could you?
I trusted you.
I couldn't believe my daughter
deliberately disobeyed me.
She left me no choice.
I had to take her home.
No, father, no!
Then Clara protested,
but, you know,
it was too late.
So, my mind had
been made up anyway.
Father, talk to him.
Oh, no. I'm not getting
in the middle of this.
You ready, buddy?
As I'll ever be. Heh heh.
Uh, who was that on the phone?
Oh, it was, um, work.
Oh. Was it important?
Yeah. It was important...
But not as important
as keeping a promise.
To a gay friend.
Now, let's visit the
hell out of that zoo!
♪ Daisy, daisy ♪
[BLAST] [RARR]
♪ Give me your answer, do ♪
Aah!
[BAAH!]
♪ I'm half crazy ♪
♪ All for the love of you ♪
NEWSMAN: Captain
Hero, where are you?!
♪ ...a stylish marriage ♪
♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪
♪ But you'll look sweet... ♪
I'm doing this
for your own good.
You need to stay away.
From "a," this house.
Well, then,
I guess this is good-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, then,
I guess that's the doorbell.
Well, then,
I guess that's the pizza man.
What the hell do you want?!
Someone ordered a pizza.
That would be me.
No one puts baby in the corner.
Clara, don't you dare!
Uh...
Believe in yourself, Clara.
Anything your dad says don't do,
I say... doo doo.
No, no. Don't. Let her be.
MAN: ♪ this song is
supposed to be... ♪
That will be $8.26, please.
♪ Just like that song
in dirty dancing... ♪
Of course it will.
♪ The one where they talk about
having the greatest time ♪
♪ While they set the dirty
dance floor on fire ♪
WOMAN: ♪ so this
is our version ♪
♪ Though the chords are
not quite the same ♪
♪ And the melody is different ♪
♪ It's even kind of lame ♪
BOTH: ♪ but, hell, it's
the best that we could do ♪
MAN: ♪ we had to
make something fit ♪
BOTH: ♪ so given the scene ♪
♪ It's fitting if
it sounds like... ♪
[GRUNTING] [PFFFT]
[PLOP]
That is the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen!
Off with his head!
Wait!
I have something I must say.
Say it, baby.
I don't remember
ordering this pizza...
With sausage!
[ODE TO JOY PLAYING]
You suck.
Clara, what are you doing?
I am laughing, father.
Laughing!
My goodness, you are.
I've never seen you so happy.
Because I've never
been so happy.
Oh, Clara, that is all
I've ever wanted for you.
Who knew it was
dooting on pizza.
That would make you so happy.
Oh, father, I love you.
I love you, too.
Mmm... oh...
Mmm...
[WHISPERING] You smell
like your mother.
Oh, daddy.
What do you say, crowny?
We good?
We good.
Hey, you guys!
Captain Hero and I just had
the best time at the zoo.
It was pretty fun.
Oh, gosh, I just
love happy endings.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, my god, they're
wearing hats!
We have finally
destroyed all the humans,
but we have also
learned from them.
I did not order a
blaxicon with...
Seethle blark.
Ha ha ha. You suck.
[CHILD LAUGHING]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Mwah!
[WHISPERING] You smell
like your mother.
PRINCESS CLARA: Hi, father.
My dear Clara, what's wrong?
You sound upset.
I don't know, father.
It's just that I feel like
there's something Missing.
Did you check the
coloured girl's room?
No, I mean there's something
Missing from my life.
I was hoping I'd
come to this house.
And discover who I really am.
You are a princess.
Duh!
I know that, father,
but... but I long
for so much more.
Of course you do. Because
you're a princess,
and that's what princesses do.
They long for more.
Or die in a car crash in France.
Now, let us never
speak of this again.
Yes, father.
XANDIR: Sometimes I
think Captain Hero cares.
More about those boots
than our friendship.
I bet they never slew.
The man troll on
rainbow mountain.
Heh...
I said, "slew," right?
You know what's
funny, Captain Hero?
Elder abuse?
Well, yes, elder abuse,
and the fact that we
share the same room.
But never do anything together.
Like, you know, hang
out or go to the mall.
"Go to the mall"?
Is that some kind of gay code?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
No, no, it's not like that.
We could get snow
cones, try on outfits...
Oh, and get our picture
taken with Santa!
OK, fine.
Whoopee! Hoo hoo! Goody goody!
CAPTAIN HERO: I
figured, what the hell.
Make the gay kid happy.
Besides, I know a certain
pony-less superhero.
Who had a few choice words for Mr.
Claus.
CLARA: I was sulking
around the house.
Trying to find ways
to cheer myself up,
but nothing seemed
to be working.
But then I saw
something magical,
something that would
change me forever.
Focus!
OK, OK, OK.
[INHALING]
[UPPER-CLASS VOICE] Good
evening, delivery man of pizza.
[INDIAN ACCENT] That
will be $8.46, please.
[GRUNTING]
[PFFFT]
Here is your money, kind sir.
Oh, thank you... wait a second.
Uh, I don't remember
ordering this pizza...
With sausage!
Aah!
You suck!
I said, "with sausage!"
Oop!
Hey, what are you doing here?
[PANTING]
[CROWING]
CAPTAIN HERO: I was
picking out an outfit.
For my trip to the mall.
When I got an urgent phone call.
From the commissioner.
Hello. Commissioner?
Captain Hero here.
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm Captain Hero, and I can fly!
And I... do you mind, fudgey?!
I'm on the phone.
I don't care.
I gotta call my a.A. Sponsor.
[GIRLY VOICE] I said
I'm on the phone!
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm
sorry, commissioner.
That was Toot. She
is so annoying.
The other day I,
like, left my clothes.
In the washer for
maybe 5 minutes...
Maybe... and she
sneaks in, you know,
and she puts her wet
towel in the dryer.
So I'm like, "can I at least throw
my stuff in with your one towel?"
And she's all, "no!" So
I'm like, "whatever!"
Oh, do you have any
roommates, commissioner?
What?! Aladdin is about to
magic carpet bomb Israel?
I'm on my way!
Sorry, Xandir, no mall
today, gay friend.
[GRUNTS]
[SLURRING] Why don't you
love me, captain Morgan?
Huh? Aah!
Oh, no, you're bleeding.
I'll save you, captain Morgan.
[SLURPING]
CLARA: I couldn't stop thinking.
About Foxxy, Spanky,
and that pizza man.
I needed to learn more.
Well, that's it, Spanky.
We's brokah than a
newscaster of the same name.
I guess that was our
last pizza prank.
[GASPS] Wait!
Yo, princess, if you're
looking for the pizza,
you're too late.
We ate it already.
Here. Here's $8.26.
You too, huh? Here it is.
[BOING]
Jesus, Spanky! Put
that thing away!
Wait a minute! I thought you
wanted to see my thick 8!
That is disgusting!
Then what the hell's
the money for?
Here, I want you
to have this money.
For your little game
with the pizza man.
"Little game"?
Did you say, "little game"?
The travel size
edition of battleship,
that's a little game.
Screwing with the pizza man,
that's a way of life, my friend.
It's who I am.
CLARA: That look
in Spanky's eye.
I hadn't seen anything like it.
It was that passion.
That was so Missing
in my own life.
Wait! Spanky, please.
Take the money.
I need you to.
All right, fine.
OK, here's how
it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna finish my hair.
Spanky, you order the pizza.
And, Clara, you go
into the confessional.
And tell the camera how
you never felt so alive.
My first naughty prank.
I've never felt so alive!
BILL WITHERS: ♪ ain't no
sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm
when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine ♪
SPANKY: The princess
was so excited,
I figured I'd give her a chance
and let her call the pizza man.
That was a huge mistake.
I mean, it wasn't
as big a mistake.
As when I converted to
Islam in august of 2001,
but still pretty big.
Um, I would like to
order one large pizza.
Yes, uh, with doody on it!
No! Hello?
Ahem.
[CLARA'S VOICE]
Sorry about that.
We'll just take the pizza plain.
Just plain.
I'm sorry, Spanky.
[CLARA'S VOICE] Look, forget it.
Ahem.
[NORMAL VOICE] Just let Foxxy
and me handle it from here.
That way, nothing can
possibly go wrong.
Oh, my god!
I braided my hands into my rows!
I can't get 'em out!
Oh, this is so stupid.
Now who's gonna answer the door.
While I doot on the pizza?
Who? Come on!
Oh, Mr. Spanky, please,
if you will allow me to.
I can do it.
No way, josé!
You'll just screw it up again.
Come on, Spanky. Give
me a second chance.
Didn't you get a second chance.
When you were given that
dead schoolteacher's liver?
You know, you're right.
I'll let you do it.
Here's to second chances, kid!
[GULPING]
CLARA: What a fiasco.
The pizza would be here
in 30 minutes or less,
and with Foxxy's hands
stuck in her hair,
she was more useless
than a Mexican.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Hmm?
CLARA: Pulling off this
prank would take a miracle.
Well, hello, Mr. Pizza man.
$8.26, please, and this time,
no funny business.
Don't give him the money yet.
Get the pizza first
so I can doot on it.
You know, it'd be so much
easier for me to pay you.
If you give me the pizza first.
Oh, I do not see how that
could possibly be easier.
Now, give me the money first!
Abort! Abort!
OK, pizza man, we'll
do it your way.
Oh...
May this life bring
you the happiness.
It has so consistently
denied me.
You incompetent boob!
You gave him the money first,
and now he's gone!
I can't believe I trusted you.
Hmm!
[KNOCKING] PIZZA MAN: Madam!
You only gave me $5!
I need the full amount, please.
Oh... you're good.
Just, uh, give me a second!
FOXXY: Aw, I seen
this a million times.
Daddy's little girl
falls for some bad boy,
and then she go and
get herself pregnant.
And sells the child
on the black market.
To pay the bills.
Oh, little Timmy,
mommy Misses you.
Oh, I'm glad you came back,
'cause we got a little problem.
You see, I don't remember
ordering a pizza...
With sausage!
[ODE TO JOY PLAYING]
I...
Oh!
Buh! Oh...
[INDISTINCT POLICE
RADIO CHATTER]
You're going downtown, pig.
And where have you been?
I walked that entire mall.
All by myself.
Oh, was that today?
Yes, that was today!
Sorry. I had to restore peace.
To the middle east again.
Boy, those Muslims
are kooky, man.
I mean, have you
read that Koran?
It's mostly knock-knock
jokes and...
You used to care
about me, about us.
What? What?
You used to tell
me I was pretty.
No, I didn't. You used
to dress up for me!
Just that one time.
Oh, forget it.
I hope you enjoy the couch.
Xandir! I said couch!
[CROWING]
CLARA: What happened to me?
Messing with the
minimum wage pizza man,
going to jail.
Shivving my cellmate.
These are things a
princess should never do,
and that's why I
liked it so much.
What a rush!
You know, I, uh,
hate to admit it,
but, uh, you handled
yourself like a pro.
So, Clara, who bailed us out?
What? Didn't I see you.
On the phone with our roommates?
Well, actually, I had to take
care of some other business.
I'm sorry, man,
but we didn't order 20 pizzas.
With extra anchovies
and doody on them.
Oh, but it says right
here on the receipt.
Look out! He's got a receipt!
Please! No! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh...
You suck!
They shot him.
Oh...
Then who did bail us out?
I did. [GASPS]
Father?
And you!
Stay away from my daughter.
Wait!
KING: I'm taking you
back to the castle.
But, father... but nothing!
I can't go home now.
I'm finally learning
about the real me.
Please?
Oh... OK, my dear.
You may stay,
but I must make sure.
You never set eyes
on that pig again.
No! Don't stab my eyes!
Come on. Just a little
stab in the eye.
Just a little
stabbing in the eye.
No, father. No forking.
What if I just promise to
never see Spanky again, OK?
Forky pokey promise?
No! Just a promise.
Because you trust me.
Right, father?
Hmm. Fine. OK.
I do trust you.
Oh, father, thank you.
[GASPS]
Ah ha! 2 for flinching.
Ow!
Wow, Wooldoor,
that was the most
fun I've ever had.
CAPTAIN HERO: After
our little spat,
Xandir started spending
an awful lot of time.
Will that Wooldoor fella.
My super senses told me
he was just using him.
To make me jealous.
I can't imagine
having any more fun.
With anyone,
superhero or otherwise.
CAPTAIN HERO: And the
worst part about it was.
His plan was super working.
Hey, Xandir, listen,
I have some, uh, sick
days coming to me,
and if you're interested,
I'm up for a little
zoo action tomorrow.
Yeah! Oh, great!
The two of us will go
to the zoo tomorrow!
You know, just me and
you and not Wooldoor.
Oh...
If anybody needs me, I'll
be in the clock tower.
[COCKS]
Now, Clara,
you promise to stay away from
that boyishly handsome pig?
Yes, father.
I shall Miss you.
Mmm! Mmm!
Mwah!
SPANKY: Fine, if Clara wants.
To listen to her daddy
and never see me again,
then screw her, right?
I can find someone else.
To help me mess
with the pizza man.
You want to do
what to the pizza?!
The most tasty and delicious.
Of all that is
tasty and delicious!
So you can shit on it?!
I should kill you
where you stand!
Unh!
Aah!
[THUD]
I thought you promised daddy.
That you'd never see me again.
I know I did.
And, yes, I'm scared
to defy my father.
But I'm even more scared
of never again feeling.
The way I do...
When I'm with you.
Aw, baby, let's do it.
What? You mean...
Yes. I'll order the pizza.
Then you'll doot on it.
Then we'll say we
didn't order sausage.
I can't.
I mean, I want to. I really do,
but I'm just a princess.
That's your father
talking, Clara.
Come on. Take my hand.
Let me teach you.
I want you to pretend
this is a pizza box.
All right, head
up, back straight,
breathe.
Eyes closed.
Now, feel the poo
moving through.
Your digestive system.
Relax, relax.
Now, visualise emptying
your bowels slowly.
Onto the pizza.
Can you see it?
Oh, my god! I can see it!
I can see myself...
Emptying my bowels
onto the pizza.
Mmm...
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Thanks for everything, Spanky.
Last night was amazing.
Poo humour's always been so low.
On my list of priorities,
but now it's like...
Number 2. Number 2.
[PLAYING FANFARE]
Hear ye, hear ye,
the king will burst
in unexpectedly.
Clara? Clara?
Father, I didn't
expect you here.
[SCRAPING]
Father, what's happened to you?
On my journey home,
I was carriage-jacked.
[ALL GASPING]
I told his ass you
drive a carriage.
With phat rims like that
in this neighbourhood,
you asking for trouble.
It was horrible.
They took my carriage,
my horses, my crown,
but not my innocence.
No, I lost that a long time ago.
When I was just a naive prince.
Who would do anything to
please his jousting instructor.
Anything.
Who could've done this?!
All I know is I looked up.
Into a snot-dripping pig snout.
Pawing at me with
disgusting pig feet.
Like his!
[ALL GASPING]
Guard, grab him!
Father! No!
Crowny, it wasn't me.
I don't steal carriages.
I steal scenes.
♪ Figaro! Figaro! ♪
♪ Fi-Ga-ro ♪
Oh, and I suppose my carriage.
Was stolen by some
other disgusting pig.
[SLURRING] I don't
remember anything.
I think I might have
had a drink or two.
Are you calling me a liar?!
[CRUNCH]
Pig, I find you guilty.
Off with his head!
[BOTH GASPING]
Oh, you got the
tickets for the zoo?
What? I thought you had them.
Oh, Xandir...
Oh, you trick me
like that again,
and I'll fucking kill you.
Look out, zoo! Here we come!
[RINGS]
I'll get it.
Why don't you wait in the car?
And open the windows a bit.
Ling-Ling's been
in there all day.
[TEDDY BEAR SQUEAKS]
Commissioner? Hi!
How's the little one?
What's he now, like, 11?
Oh, I remember being that age.
Not a girl, not yet a woman.
What?!
Earth is being invaded
by robo-insect-a-bots.
With hats?!
[GASPS]
Oh... oh...
Unh! Oh...
Everyone!
And 10...
ALL: 9, 8, 7...
I knew Spanky couldn't have been
the one who carriage-jacked father,
because Spanky and I
spent the night together.
But if I told father that,
he'd never forgive me.
3... 9...
5... 4...
Wait!
Father, please.
I can prove it wasn't Spanky.
I have evidence that
will clear his name.
Spanky couldn't
have been the one.
Who carriage-jacked father,
because we spent
the night together.
Eh?
Oh, Clara, how could you?
I trusted you.
I couldn't believe my daughter
deliberately disobeyed me.
She left me no choice.
I had to take her home.
No, father, no!
Then Clara protested,
but, you know,
it was too late.
So, my mind had
been made up anyway.
Father, talk to him.
Oh, no. I'm not getting
in the middle of this.
You ready, buddy?
As I'll ever be. Heh heh.
Uh, who was that on the phone?
Oh, it was, um, work.
Oh. Was it important?
Yeah. It was important...
But not as important
as keeping a promise.
To a gay friend.
Now, let's visit the
hell out of that zoo!
♪ Daisy, daisy ♪
[BLAST] [RARR]
♪ Give me your answer, do ♪
Aah!
[BAAH!]
♪ I'm half crazy ♪
♪ All for the love of you ♪
NEWSMAN: Captain
Hero, where are you?!
♪ ...a stylish marriage ♪
♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪
♪ But you'll look sweet... ♪
I'm doing this
for your own good.
You need to stay away.
From "a," this house.
Well, then,
I guess this is good-bye.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, then,
I guess that's the doorbell.
Well, then,
I guess that's the pizza man.
What the hell do you want?!
Someone ordered a pizza.
That would be me.
No one puts baby in the corner.
Clara, don't you dare!
Uh...
Believe in yourself, Clara.
Anything your dad says don't do,
I say... doo doo.
No, no. Don't. Let her be.
MAN: ♪ this song is
supposed to be... ♪
That will be $8.26, please.
♪ Just like that song
in dirty dancing... ♪
Of course it will.
♪ The one where they talk about
having the greatest time ♪
♪ While they set the dirty
dance floor on fire ♪
WOMAN: ♪ so this
is our version ♪
♪ Though the chords are
not quite the same ♪
♪ And the melody is different ♪
♪ It's even kind of lame ♪
BOTH: ♪ but, hell, it's
the best that we could do ♪
MAN: ♪ we had to
make something fit ♪
BOTH: ♪ so given the scene ♪
♪ It's fitting if
it sounds like... ♪
[GRUNTING] [PFFFT]
[PLOP]
That is the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen!
Off with his head!
Wait!
I have something I must say.
Say it, baby.
I don't remember
ordering this pizza...
With sausage!
[ODE TO JOY PLAYING]
You suck.
Clara, what are you doing?
I am laughing, father.
Laughing!
My goodness, you are.
I've never seen you so happy.
Because I've never
been so happy.
Oh, Clara, that is all
I've ever wanted for you.
Who knew it was
dooting on pizza.
That would make you so happy.
Oh, father, I love you.
I love you, too.
Mmm... oh...
Mmm...
[WHISPERING] You smell
like your mother.
Oh, daddy.
What do you say, crowny?
We good?
We good.
Hey, you guys!
Captain Hero and I just had
the best time at the zoo.
It was pretty fun.
Oh, gosh, I just
love happy endings.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, my god, they're
wearing hats!
We have finally
destroyed all the humans,
but we have also
learned from them.
I did not order a
blaxicon with...
Seethle blark.
Ha ha ha. You suck.
[CHILD LAUGHING]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Mwah!
[WHISPERING] You smell
like your mother.