Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Other Cousin - full transcript
The Producers announce that someone will get a visit from a family member this week. Princess Clara is excited when a royal carriage rolls up, but her joy turns to horror when the guest turns out to be her mentally disabled cousin, Bleh. Captain Hero and Spanky are about to begin tormenting Bleh until they discover that she's actually gorgeous, so they instead make a bet over whether Hero will have sex with her. Meanwhile, as Xandir and Toots console Ling Ling over the non-appearance of his father, they inadvertently discover that he secretes an addictive hallucinogen when depressed.
WOOLDOOR: Who's it gonna be?!
Who's it gonna be?!
Wheeeeee!
WOOLDOOR: The producers
decided to surprise one of us.
With a visit from
a family member.
I hope it's someone
from my family.
Like flagfred cheesewheel,
lintsue brickshade, or
prom-queen dumpsterbaby.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Look, everyone!
Someone's coming!
CLARA: The second I saw
the horse and carriage,
I just knew it had to be
someone from my kingdom.
But when I saw it was the
short carriage, my heart sank.
Why?! Why did she have to come?!
Oh, fuck me.
[GARBLED SPEECH]
Um, everyone, this is
my special cousin Bleh.
FOXXY: No one knew Clara.
Had a mentally-challenged
cousin, but it was cool.
The Foxxy five used to perform
for special needs kids,
and those people got hearts as
big as they oversized foreheads.
"I am Sam is a well-written and
exceptionally well-acted tearjerker,".
Raves Adam nayman of eye weekly.
What the shoebazzle was that?
She, um, only quotes reviews
from the movie I am Sam.
Huh? Hmm.
Well, this has been fun. Bye!
Well, I've never seen someone
that slow go that fast.
Oh, yeah! Give it up!
Yeah!
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Oh, poor Ling-Ling. He's so
disappointed his father didn't show.
Oh!
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry
your father's not coming.
We still love ya!
Don't we, Toot?!
Fine!
[KISS]
Ling-Ling, you taste so weird.
[GIGGLING]
[GIGGLING]
Let's go, Bleh.
The coast is clear.
But after this, no
more potty breaks.
"I am Sam plays like a
made-for-TV weep... ".
Shh!
I know it seemed like I
was ashamed of my cousin,
but nothing could be
further from the truth.
Aah! Foxxy: Hey, Clara!
What's up, girlfriend?
You know, none of us
have really had a chance.
To hang out with Bleh yet.
Bleh? What's a bleh?
Is that one of your jive
words like "emancipation"?
No, bleh your cousin.
Uh, Clara? Why is
the lamp drooling?
I guess to remind us to
conserve electricity.
Clara, there is no reason to
be embarrassed by your cousin.
Embarrassed? I'm
not embarrassed.
Stop pretending bleh is a lamp.
She is not a lamp, Clara.
She is a real person
with real feelings.
Foxxy was probably right.
Damn that ms. Know-it-all!
I should have killed her
when I had the chance.
Give me your hand!
First, give me the ring!
[KISSES]
XANDIR: It just
didn't make sense.
When we licked
Ling-Ling last time,
we got all [BLEEP]Ed up.
But this time, nothing happened.
Well, we got a little aroused,
but not [BLEEP]Ed up.
Uhh! What's the deal-e-o?
I don't feel anything. You?
Nothing.
[KISSES]
Hmm. Maybe we have
to eat Ling-Ling.
Why is it when
something doesn't work,
your first reaction
is to eat it?
What?! What are you doing?
I couldn't find the remote.
You know, there is one person.
Who can figure this out.
The professor! The professor!
[HUMS]
Ooh!
Aha! [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Got it. Hit the lights.
Here you see the
African camel toad.
It secretes a hallucinogen.
Whenever it's scared.
Ahh!
Yeah, that's... oh,
I didn't know that.
When "cool" kids feel
like catching a "buzz,".
They scare the amphibian
and then lick its skin.
All the cool kids, you say?
Now take Ling-Ling, the Asian
trading card battle monster.
It creates a similar
hallucinogen.
Whenever it's disappointed.
Ahh! Oh, I want to be cool!
So, Ling-Ling was
experiencing disappointment.
Due to its father's absence,
then, upon kissing Ling-Ling,
you became...[WACKY NOISES]
Technically speaking.
So, only when Ling-Ling
is disappointed, eh? Hmm.
[SCREAMING] [ALARM] [SIREN]
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
[HARPS PLAYING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Oh! Don't look,
but corky at 3:00.
FOXXY: It looked like I got
through to the princess.
Clara would see that there ain't
no reason to be ashamed of bleh.
We all adults.
Dude, let's egg the trainable.
Mind if we join you guys?
No, no, no. Of course not.
Don't be stupid.
[BOTH SNICKER]
[EGGSHELLS CRACK]
Man, Clara's cousin is so hot!
Damn! She's like retarded hot!
[WHIMPERS] Sam! Aah!
CLARA: I'm really
glad I brought bleh.
Down to hang out with everyone.
They treated her like
she was one of the gang.
I hadn't seen bleh
have this much fun.
Since they cancelled the
pretty, shiny object show.
You sure you don't want to
stay and play a few rounds?
Nah, it's getting late, and we
don't want to intrude on guy time.
'Night!
"I am Sam works magic
'cause of Penn,".
Raves Lou lumenick
of the new York post.
I go first. Whee!
Holy shit!
She is so hot!
Oh, Spanky.
What? Oh. OK.
[KISS]
Oh, that bleh, man.
I would totally dip
my wick in that.
Listen, dude. No
matter how hot she is,
you would not punch
holes in a sped.
Oh, hell, yeah, I would.
I mean, she's the perfect girl.
All the sweater meat
of a regular chick.
And half the pillow talk.
[KISS]
Man, you're all talk.
Look, I got 20 large that
says you won't sleep with her.
Make it 50 and you're on.
Oh, ha ha! Wheeeeeee!
Hey, if you're gonna be gay
about this, you can't play.
Sorry.
[KISS]
Fine. 50 bucks says you
won't have sex with bleh.
Easy money.
Captain Hero is
gonna show you guys.
What being a real
man is all about.
ALL: Triple kiss!
[KISSES]
[SNARLS]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
♪ Fulfil destiny of the soul ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
KIDS: ♪ kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill... ♪
Wait, Ling-Ling. It's just us.
We're not really a 3-headed,
acid-spitting needle monster.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Oh.
Oh, no, Ling-Ling.
Instead of cheering you up,
we accidentally
disappointed you.
Oh, poor baby.
Triple kiss!
Oh! Hee hee! [KISSES]
[SIGHING AND GIGGLING]
[KNOCKS]
CLARA: I found it a bit odd.
That Captain Hero wanted
to take bleh out on a date,
and it was my responsibility.
To make sure his
intentions were pure.
So, Captain Hero, is it?
Oh. Heh heh! Yeah?
Coming to take my
little bleh out.
For a night on the town, eh?
You know, I don't
know what'd I do.
If anything happened
to my little bleh.
Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.
Son, do you know what it's like.
To kill a man with
your bare hands?
I do.
I...
Oh!
Here's bleh now!
♪ There she is... ♪
Wow! You look... stunning.
"I am Sam's Dakota fanning is
worth the price of admission."
[BLOW DART]
Ow! What the hell?!
A little added protection.
You'll get the antidote
when I get my bleh back.
[ALL GIGGLING]
Hey, Ling-Ling, you
excited for Christmas?
Too bad there's no such
thing as Santa Claus!
I bet you're disappointed.
Oh.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, look what I
found in your ear!
Is it a quarter?
Oh, no! It's a tumour!
Oh.
[SLURPS]
[GIGGLES]
Hey, Ling-Ling, you
excited for Christmas?
Oh, no! It's a tumour!
Oh.
[SLURPS]
♪ Girly, girly, girly, girly... ♪
[BLEH SHOUTS HAPPILY
AND INCOHERENTLY]
CAPTAIN HERO: Yes,
I was confident.
That by the end of the night, I'd
have another notch on my utility belt.
And 50 bucks in my pocket.
Then I realised something.
Bleh...
She was really special,
but not like in a retarded way,
in a traditionally special way.
♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
Oh!
OK!
♪ You're everything
I wish I could be ♪
♪ I could fly higher
than an eagle ♪
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Sam.
I don't like these things.
They scare me!
♪ Beneath my wings ♪
Eeeeeeh! Aah! Sam!
♪ Oh, oh, fly ♪
♪ So high against the sky ♪
♪ So high I almost... ♪
Bleh, you are the
wind beneath my wings.
"Contrived, manipulative,
"and shamelessly sentimental," raves
peter Travers from rolling stone.
Hey, Ling-Ling, I got a penny.
No, I don't.
[LICKS DRY FUR]
[RATTLES]
[BAM BAM]
[LICKS DRY FUR]
Whoa, guys. Guys!
Ling-Ling is totally kicked!
What?!
[PANTS]
[LICKS DRY FUR]
Don't hold out on me, man.
I need my fix. Come on!
Please, man, come on!
What do you want?
I'll do anything!
I'll suck your dick!
Ooh! Ooh, Sam!
Hee hee! Shh!
Are you crazy? They'll hear us!
CAPTAIN HERO: Bleh and I
got home way past midnight.
I was like, we are gonna
get in so much trouble!
So, this was really fantastic.
Um, I, uh... good night.
[KISS]
♪ Girly, girly, girly, girly... ♪
Ahh!
Hey, super stud. Did
you sleep with her?
Dude, back off!
I did not, as you
so crudely put it...
"Nail her in the stink tube."
It's not like that.
So you kids are taking it slow?
See what I did there? I...
You just don't get it, Spanky.
Nobody gets it!
[WAILS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
CAPTAIN HERO: I
was lying in bed,
replaying the date over
and over in my head,
when there was a knock at the door.
[KNOCKS]
Who's there?
Bleh! What are you...
Listen, bleh, I'm
not that kind of guy.
[PULLS PANTS DOWN]
Oh, my!
Oh, no, no, no...
Leave the helmet on.
Ahh.
CLARA: That morning,
I woke up feeling great.
Everyone had accepted
me and my cousin,
and that was swell.
Oh, what a glorious
day, isn't it, bleh?
Bleh?
Bleh?!
Captain Hero! Clara,
it's not what you think!
[GIBBERISH]
Get up! Get up right now!
"I am Sam reduces Penn to
a mugging embarrassment,".
Raves mike Clark of USA today.
I don't care. Let's go!
Yeeeh...
Go back to your cage right now!
SPANKY: Well, look who's
doing the limp of shame!
You bastard!
CAPTAIN HERO: Clara
totally overreacted.
I mean, bleh was an adult,
and completely capable of
making her own decisions.
Or not.
Still, I needed to sit Clara
down and explain what happened.
Clara, I never expected
this to happen.
It's just that I have
real feelings for her.
Well...
♪ There she is ♪
♪ She's a girl ♪
If that is the truth...
It is.
Then I'm truly happy
for the two of you.
You're a good man, Captain Hero.
I knew I could trust you.
Here's the antidote.
[GULP]
Well, nice work, Captain Hero.
Here's the $50 I bet you
to have sex with bleh.
[GASPS]
Yeeeeeh!
Oh, um, I mean, uh...
Here is the $50 Captain
Hero won off me.
Because I bet him he
would not have sex.
With your special cousin bleh.
But he did, in fact,
have sex with her.
Oh, yes, he did. For $50.
Oh, man. Saved it.
Captain Hero, I forbid you
to see my cousin ever again!
Uhh!
I would have been
more pissed at Spanky,
but you know, I just won $50!
[CASH REGISTER BELL] Ah!
Who's your daddy?
Ooh, I like the big one
and that one over there.
And... ooh!
Yeah. Hell, yeah! [GIRLS
TALKING AND LAUGHING]
Ehhhh.
Ehhhh.
Ehhhh.
Oh, look at poor Ling-Ling.
We've licked the life out of it.
What should we do?
Poke it harder.
Uhh!
[GASPS]
Look at me!
I've become the very
thing I hate most.
A guy who pokes
things with sticks?
Oh, we've abused Ling-Ling to the point
where the little guy is just numb.
And for what?
To catch a buzz?!
I guess being cool
just isn't worth it.
["WHAT YOU ALREADY
KNOW" JINGLE PLAYS]
Come on. We've got
to make this right!
Sorry, Wooldoor. You stay here.
Until all that Ling-Ling
is out of your system.
It's gonna be the hardest
thing you've ever done.
Toodles!
[SLAM]
Aah! I can't take it!
[WACKY NOISES]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
WOOLDOOR: I can't take it!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, sure, the
money helped dull the pain,
but later, you know, when
the stores are all closed,
who do I have to share it with?
Bleh? No. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
It just wasn't worth it, Spanky!
Bleh, she... she was special.
What are you...
What are you saying?
Oh, Spanky, I love her.
Then go to her.
XANDIR: We knew what we had
done to Ling-Ling was wrong.
Hopefully, this was gonna.
Make it up to that lovable,
fortune cookie cat thing.
Ling-Ling, there's a special
warrior here to see you.
[JAPANESE SONG PLAYING]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
TOOT: Sure, we have our issues,
but really, this is a
house Drawn Together.
With love.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Yah! Uhh!
[SLURPING]
All right, Clara, where is she?!
Hah! You're too
late, captain jerko!
She left for the front door
well over 2 minutes ago!
You'll never catch her! Never!
Oh. Oh, well.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Easy come, easy go.
Well, I'll be seeing you, Clara.
Wait! Damn you! I've got to try!
Yahh!
CAPTAIN HERO: Bleh!
Wait! I'm coming!
Dude, where are you... uhh!
Watch it, pig!
Go get her, man.
Uhh!
Watch it, hot black girl!
Go get her, man.
[MUZAK PLAYING]
[BLISSFUL SIGHS AND MOANS]
Oh, come on!
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
Oh.
Bleh! Bleh, wait!
Listen, I don't know
what Clara told you,
but I love you.
Yehhhhhhhh.
[SPLAT]
"One of the year's 10 best!"
"Delivers in ways
you never expected!"
Yes, well, maybe it
wouldn't work out.
I mean, we come from
different worlds.
I come from planet zebulon.
And you come from a mom who
drank when she was pregnant.
Well, farewell, my sweet.
Mwah!
Mnnnh deh nnnh.
Yeah! She kissed him!
She kissed him!
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Bleh, you nailed the dry-mouth
from reality TV show!
Well, I guess I owe
you that 50 bucks now.
Oh! 50 bucks! Yeah!
[CASH REGISTER BELL] Ooh,
yeah, who's your daddy?
I like the big one and I
like the one over there. Ooh!
Yeah. Hell, yeah! [GIRLS
TALKING AND LAUGHING]
BLEH: Sam, bye-bye!
Bye-bye, Sam!
[CHOKED UP] Bye.
Good-bye.
You OK, man?
I... don't know if
I'll ever be OK.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Hey, you want to go grab a beer,
spin it, and kiss
whoever it points to?
No. Not now, Spanky. Not now.
How about now?
Yeah. OK.
♪ Girly, girly,
girly, girly girl ♪
♪ Girl ♪
♪ Girly, girly girl... ♪
Who's it gonna be?!
Wheeeeee!
WOOLDOOR: The producers
decided to surprise one of us.
With a visit from
a family member.
I hope it's someone
from my family.
Like flagfred cheesewheel,
lintsue brickshade, or
prom-queen dumpsterbaby.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Look, everyone!
Someone's coming!
CLARA: The second I saw
the horse and carriage,
I just knew it had to be
someone from my kingdom.
But when I saw it was the
short carriage, my heart sank.
Why?! Why did she have to come?!
Oh, fuck me.
[GARBLED SPEECH]
Um, everyone, this is
my special cousin Bleh.
FOXXY: No one knew Clara.
Had a mentally-challenged
cousin, but it was cool.
The Foxxy five used to perform
for special needs kids,
and those people got hearts as
big as they oversized foreheads.
"I am Sam is a well-written and
exceptionally well-acted tearjerker,".
Raves Adam nayman of eye weekly.
What the shoebazzle was that?
She, um, only quotes reviews
from the movie I am Sam.
Huh? Hmm.
Well, this has been fun. Bye!
Well, I've never seen someone
that slow go that fast.
Oh, yeah! Give it up!
Yeah!
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Oh, poor Ling-Ling. He's so
disappointed his father didn't show.
Oh!
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry
your father's not coming.
We still love ya!
Don't we, Toot?!
Fine!
[KISS]
Ling-Ling, you taste so weird.
[GIGGLING]
[GIGGLING]
Let's go, Bleh.
The coast is clear.
But after this, no
more potty breaks.
"I am Sam plays like a
made-for-TV weep... ".
Shh!
I know it seemed like I
was ashamed of my cousin,
but nothing could be
further from the truth.
Aah! Foxxy: Hey, Clara!
What's up, girlfriend?
You know, none of us
have really had a chance.
To hang out with Bleh yet.
Bleh? What's a bleh?
Is that one of your jive
words like "emancipation"?
No, bleh your cousin.
Uh, Clara? Why is
the lamp drooling?
I guess to remind us to
conserve electricity.
Clara, there is no reason to
be embarrassed by your cousin.
Embarrassed? I'm
not embarrassed.
Stop pretending bleh is a lamp.
She is not a lamp, Clara.
She is a real person
with real feelings.
Foxxy was probably right.
Damn that ms. Know-it-all!
I should have killed her
when I had the chance.
Give me your hand!
First, give me the ring!
[KISSES]
XANDIR: It just
didn't make sense.
When we licked
Ling-Ling last time,
we got all [BLEEP]Ed up.
But this time, nothing happened.
Well, we got a little aroused,
but not [BLEEP]Ed up.
Uhh! What's the deal-e-o?
I don't feel anything. You?
Nothing.
[KISSES]
Hmm. Maybe we have
to eat Ling-Ling.
Why is it when
something doesn't work,
your first reaction
is to eat it?
What?! What are you doing?
I couldn't find the remote.
You know, there is one person.
Who can figure this out.
The professor! The professor!
[HUMS]
Ooh!
Aha! [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Got it. Hit the lights.
Here you see the
African camel toad.
It secretes a hallucinogen.
Whenever it's scared.
Ahh!
Yeah, that's... oh,
I didn't know that.
When "cool" kids feel
like catching a "buzz,".
They scare the amphibian
and then lick its skin.
All the cool kids, you say?
Now take Ling-Ling, the Asian
trading card battle monster.
It creates a similar
hallucinogen.
Whenever it's disappointed.
Ahh! Oh, I want to be cool!
So, Ling-Ling was
experiencing disappointment.
Due to its father's absence,
then, upon kissing Ling-Ling,
you became...[WACKY NOISES]
Technically speaking.
So, only when Ling-Ling
is disappointed, eh? Hmm.
[SCREAMING] [ALARM] [SIREN]
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
[HARPS PLAYING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Oh! Don't look,
but corky at 3:00.
FOXXY: It looked like I got
through to the princess.
Clara would see that there ain't
no reason to be ashamed of bleh.
We all adults.
Dude, let's egg the trainable.
Mind if we join you guys?
No, no, no. Of course not.
Don't be stupid.
[BOTH SNICKER]
[EGGSHELLS CRACK]
Man, Clara's cousin is so hot!
Damn! She's like retarded hot!
[WHIMPERS] Sam! Aah!
CLARA: I'm really
glad I brought bleh.
Down to hang out with everyone.
They treated her like
she was one of the gang.
I hadn't seen bleh
have this much fun.
Since they cancelled the
pretty, shiny object show.
You sure you don't want to
stay and play a few rounds?
Nah, it's getting late, and we
don't want to intrude on guy time.
'Night!
"I am Sam works magic
'cause of Penn,".
Raves Lou lumenick
of the new York post.
I go first. Whee!
Holy shit!
She is so hot!
Oh, Spanky.
What? Oh. OK.
[KISS]
Oh, that bleh, man.
I would totally dip
my wick in that.
Listen, dude. No
matter how hot she is,
you would not punch
holes in a sped.
Oh, hell, yeah, I would.
I mean, she's the perfect girl.
All the sweater meat
of a regular chick.
And half the pillow talk.
[KISS]
Man, you're all talk.
Look, I got 20 large that
says you won't sleep with her.
Make it 50 and you're on.
Oh, ha ha! Wheeeeeee!
Hey, if you're gonna be gay
about this, you can't play.
Sorry.
[KISS]
Fine. 50 bucks says you
won't have sex with bleh.
Easy money.
Captain Hero is
gonna show you guys.
What being a real
man is all about.
ALL: Triple kiss!
[KISSES]
[SNARLS]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
♪ Fulfil destiny of the soul ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
KIDS: ♪ kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill... ♪
Wait, Ling-Ling. It's just us.
We're not really a 3-headed,
acid-spitting needle monster.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Oh.
Oh, no, Ling-Ling.
Instead of cheering you up,
we accidentally
disappointed you.
Oh, poor baby.
Triple kiss!
Oh! Hee hee! [KISSES]
[SIGHING AND GIGGLING]
[KNOCKS]
CLARA: I found it a bit odd.
That Captain Hero wanted
to take bleh out on a date,
and it was my responsibility.
To make sure his
intentions were pure.
So, Captain Hero, is it?
Oh. Heh heh! Yeah?
Coming to take my
little bleh out.
For a night on the town, eh?
You know, I don't
know what'd I do.
If anything happened
to my little bleh.
Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.
Son, do you know what it's like.
To kill a man with
your bare hands?
I do.
I...
Oh!
Here's bleh now!
♪ There she is... ♪
Wow! You look... stunning.
"I am Sam's Dakota fanning is
worth the price of admission."
[BLOW DART]
Ow! What the hell?!
A little added protection.
You'll get the antidote
when I get my bleh back.
[ALL GIGGLING]
Hey, Ling-Ling, you
excited for Christmas?
Too bad there's no such
thing as Santa Claus!
I bet you're disappointed.
Oh.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, look what I
found in your ear!
Is it a quarter?
Oh, no! It's a tumour!
Oh.
[SLURPS]
[GIGGLES]
Hey, Ling-Ling, you
excited for Christmas?
Oh, no! It's a tumour!
Oh.
[SLURPS]
♪ Girly, girly, girly, girly... ♪
[BLEH SHOUTS HAPPILY
AND INCOHERENTLY]
CAPTAIN HERO: Yes,
I was confident.
That by the end of the night, I'd
have another notch on my utility belt.
And 50 bucks in my pocket.
Then I realised something.
Bleh...
She was really special,
but not like in a retarded way,
in a traditionally special way.
♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
Oh!
OK!
♪ You're everything
I wish I could be ♪
♪ I could fly higher
than an eagle ♪
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Sam.
I don't like these things.
They scare me!
♪ Beneath my wings ♪
Eeeeeeh! Aah! Sam!
♪ Oh, oh, fly ♪
♪ So high against the sky ♪
♪ So high I almost... ♪
Bleh, you are the
wind beneath my wings.
"Contrived, manipulative,
"and shamelessly sentimental," raves
peter Travers from rolling stone.
Hey, Ling-Ling, I got a penny.
No, I don't.
[LICKS DRY FUR]
[RATTLES]
[BAM BAM]
[LICKS DRY FUR]
Whoa, guys. Guys!
Ling-Ling is totally kicked!
What?!
[PANTS]
[LICKS DRY FUR]
Don't hold out on me, man.
I need my fix. Come on!
Please, man, come on!
What do you want?
I'll do anything!
I'll suck your dick!
Ooh! Ooh, Sam!
Hee hee! Shh!
Are you crazy? They'll hear us!
CAPTAIN HERO: Bleh and I
got home way past midnight.
I was like, we are gonna
get in so much trouble!
So, this was really fantastic.
Um, I, uh... good night.
[KISS]
♪ Girly, girly, girly, girly... ♪
Ahh!
Hey, super stud. Did
you sleep with her?
Dude, back off!
I did not, as you
so crudely put it...
"Nail her in the stink tube."
It's not like that.
So you kids are taking it slow?
See what I did there? I...
You just don't get it, Spanky.
Nobody gets it!
[WAILS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
CAPTAIN HERO: I
was lying in bed,
replaying the date over
and over in my head,
when there was a knock at the door.
[KNOCKS]
Who's there?
Bleh! What are you...
Listen, bleh, I'm
not that kind of guy.
[PULLS PANTS DOWN]
Oh, my!
Oh, no, no, no...
Leave the helmet on.
Ahh.
CLARA: That morning,
I woke up feeling great.
Everyone had accepted
me and my cousin,
and that was swell.
Oh, what a glorious
day, isn't it, bleh?
Bleh?
Bleh?!
Captain Hero! Clara,
it's not what you think!
[GIBBERISH]
Get up! Get up right now!
"I am Sam reduces Penn to
a mugging embarrassment,".
Raves mike Clark of USA today.
I don't care. Let's go!
Yeeeh...
Go back to your cage right now!
SPANKY: Well, look who's
doing the limp of shame!
You bastard!
CAPTAIN HERO: Clara
totally overreacted.
I mean, bleh was an adult,
and completely capable of
making her own decisions.
Or not.
Still, I needed to sit Clara
down and explain what happened.
Clara, I never expected
this to happen.
It's just that I have
real feelings for her.
Well...
♪ There she is ♪
♪ She's a girl ♪
If that is the truth...
It is.
Then I'm truly happy
for the two of you.
You're a good man, Captain Hero.
I knew I could trust you.
Here's the antidote.
[GULP]
Well, nice work, Captain Hero.
Here's the $50 I bet you
to have sex with bleh.
[GASPS]
Yeeeeeh!
Oh, um, I mean, uh...
Here is the $50 Captain
Hero won off me.
Because I bet him he
would not have sex.
With your special cousin bleh.
But he did, in fact,
have sex with her.
Oh, yes, he did. For $50.
Oh, man. Saved it.
Captain Hero, I forbid you
to see my cousin ever again!
Uhh!
I would have been
more pissed at Spanky,
but you know, I just won $50!
[CASH REGISTER BELL] Ah!
Who's your daddy?
Ooh, I like the big one
and that one over there.
And... ooh!
Yeah. Hell, yeah! [GIRLS
TALKING AND LAUGHING]
Ehhhh.
Ehhhh.
Ehhhh.
Oh, look at poor Ling-Ling.
We've licked the life out of it.
What should we do?
Poke it harder.
Uhh!
[GASPS]
Look at me!
I've become the very
thing I hate most.
A guy who pokes
things with sticks?
Oh, we've abused Ling-Ling to the point
where the little guy is just numb.
And for what?
To catch a buzz?!
I guess being cool
just isn't worth it.
["WHAT YOU ALREADY
KNOW" JINGLE PLAYS]
Come on. We've got
to make this right!
Sorry, Wooldoor. You stay here.
Until all that Ling-Ling
is out of your system.
It's gonna be the hardest
thing you've ever done.
Toodles!
[SLAM]
Aah! I can't take it!
[WACKY NOISES]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
WOOLDOOR: I can't take it!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, sure, the
money helped dull the pain,
but later, you know, when
the stores are all closed,
who do I have to share it with?
Bleh? No. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
It just wasn't worth it, Spanky!
Bleh, she... she was special.
What are you...
What are you saying?
Oh, Spanky, I love her.
Then go to her.
XANDIR: We knew what we had
done to Ling-Ling was wrong.
Hopefully, this was gonna.
Make it up to that lovable,
fortune cookie cat thing.
Ling-Ling, there's a special
warrior here to see you.
[JAPANESE SONG PLAYING]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
TOOT: Sure, we have our issues,
but really, this is a
house Drawn Together.
With love.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Yah! Uhh!
[SLURPING]
All right, Clara, where is she?!
Hah! You're too
late, captain jerko!
She left for the front door
well over 2 minutes ago!
You'll never catch her! Never!
Oh. Oh, well.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Easy come, easy go.
Well, I'll be seeing you, Clara.
Wait! Damn you! I've got to try!
Yahh!
CAPTAIN HERO: Bleh!
Wait! I'm coming!
Dude, where are you... uhh!
Watch it, pig!
Go get her, man.
Uhh!
Watch it, hot black girl!
Go get her, man.
[MUZAK PLAYING]
[BLISSFUL SIGHS AND MOANS]
Oh, come on!
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
Oh.
Bleh! Bleh, wait!
Listen, I don't know
what Clara told you,
but I love you.
Yehhhhhhhh.
[SPLAT]
"One of the year's 10 best!"
"Delivers in ways
you never expected!"
Yes, well, maybe it
wouldn't work out.
I mean, we come from
different worlds.
I come from planet zebulon.
And you come from a mom who
drank when she was pregnant.
Well, farewell, my sweet.
Mwah!
Mnnnh deh nnnh.
Yeah! She kissed him!
She kissed him!
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Bleh, you nailed the dry-mouth
from reality TV show!
Well, I guess I owe
you that 50 bucks now.
Oh! 50 bucks! Yeah!
[CASH REGISTER BELL] Ooh,
yeah, who's your daddy?
I like the big one and I
like the one over there. Ooh!
Yeah. Hell, yeah! [GIRLS
TALKING AND LAUGHING]
BLEH: Sam, bye-bye!
Bye-bye, Sam!
[CHOKED UP] Bye.
Good-bye.
You OK, man?
I... don't know if
I'll ever be OK.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Hey, you want to go grab a beer,
spin it, and kiss
whoever it points to?
No. Not now, Spanky. Not now.
How about now?
Yeah. OK.
♪ Girly, girly,
girly, girly girl ♪
♪ Girl ♪
♪ Girly, girly girl... ♪