Dragon Ball (1995–2003): Season 1, Episode 5 - Yamcha the Desert Bandit - full transcript

[splashing]

[engine humming]

[NARRATOR] With only two
more Dragon Balls left to find,

our heroes, Goku and Bulma
are heading into very dangerous

territory as they
continue their search.

Joining them in their quest
is Oolong, the perverse pig

who can change his
appearance at will.

[engine humming]

[BULMA] It was a good idea
to travel down this river.

We're making awesome time!

That's great!

But why is Oolong
coming with us?

I think she's got
a thing for me, kid!

I thought Oolong's
special powers might come

in handy. That's why
he's coming along.

Hey, what do you mean?!

Are you tryin' to
say I'm not your type?

Exactly! I'm looking for
tall, dark, and handsome!

Just give it
time, honey!

You'll see, "I'm the man"!

[OOLONG squealing]

Hey, back off kid!
I ain't that kinda pig!

You were right!
You are a man!

Of course I'm
a man, you imbecile!

What more do you want?
I'll take a polygraph,

give a blood sample, just
don't ever do that again!

[growling]

[engine humming]

Hey Bulma,
how much further?

Well, we should
almost be there by now.

This map will tell us exactly.

We've been driving
forever already!

Where in the world
are we going??

We're going to a place
called "Fire Mountain".

Fire Mountain?!

Are you crazy?! There's no
way you're draggin' me anywhere

near that place!

[squealing]

[GOKU] What's so
scary about a mountain?

For starters, the place
is always on fire, and it's the

home of the terrible Ox-King!
Do you understand now?

That bad, huh?

[OOLONG] Mm-hmm.

[BULMA] Relax, Oolong.

Goku's strong enough to
take care of some old "ox".

[OOLONG] I don't
know about that.

I've heard the Ox-King is the
strongest guy in the whole

world! They say he's over
ten feet tall and weighs

500 pounds. And he's always on
the prowl for anyone who might

try to climb up the mountain to
get to his castle. He carries a

giant battle axe, and let me
tell you, he knows how to use

it too! He's been terrorizing
the countryside for years,

and they say that if you meet
the Ox-King, there's only one

thing you can do: Run! 'Cause
if he catches you, you'll get

a really "close shave"!

You really heard that?

[OOLONG] Uh-huh!

[GOKU] Sounds like
the guy's not very happy.

[OOLONG] Exactly!
He's radically unhappy!

Well, I'm outta here!

[BULMA] Hey!

[GOKU] Don't worry
Bulma. I'll get him!

Careful!

Ah, Sassa-fras'n school of fish!

Never did like school!

This kid's crazy!

I don't see him anywhere.
Where'd he go?

I lost him, Bulma!

Well, if you want to
catch a fish, you gotta use

the right kind of bait.

[BULMA] Like this!

Do you think he'll bite?

If I know
Oolong, he will!

[BULMA] I think
I've got a nibble.

Yeah! Grab him, Goku!

Hey, whaddaya know,
he bit your shorts!

Hey, why is all
the food gone?

Did you make a pig of yourself?

Unfortunate choice of words,
but the great outdoors

do make me hungry.

[BULMA] Here, take this special
vitamin. It'll fill you up,

and give you strength!

It doesn't look like much,
but I'll try it.

[BULMA] It's made from
all natural ingredients.

It's very good for you.

I just hope you
health nuts don't eat pork.

[BULMA giggling]

[GOKU] Hey, Bulma!
What about me?

I'm hungry too!

Uh, that was
the last one.

See, kid?
It's my hoggish allure.

I'm not your
average porker!

[engine sputtering]

[ALL] Huh?!

That's great!
We're outta gas!

Is that sorta like
being out of food?

Very good, that's exactly
what it's like Goku.

Then let's just
feed the boat.

Hey, Oolong, can you
change into a tank of gas?

Against union rules, honey!

Besides, I'd get all used up.

[BULMA] Then how about a paddle
just to help us get to shore?

[OOLONG] I'd be honored
to be "handled" by a

girl like you, Bulma.

Showtime!

Just go like this in the water,
and we'll move.

Wow, that's really neat!

[GOKU] Ha ha ha, yeah!

[OOLONG sputtering]

[OOLONG] Hey! Watch
the water in the mouth,

you muscle-bound midget!

[GOKU laughing]

I gotta go, Bulma!

[BULMA] Don't be gone long!

[BULMA] Goku!
Really, that kid...

Well, it's too
bad we couldn't make

it to Fire Mountain!

I hate to disappoint you,
Oolong,

but we're
practically there already.

But it's
crazy to go there!

It's way too dangerous!

My... my Dyno Caps!
They're missing!

No! Aah! We're trapped in
a wasteland with no way

to get out!

I think you took our Dyno Caps,
just like you stole our lunch,

you little porker!

Hey! I resent
being called little!

[BULMA screaming]

What's the matter?
Why are you so upset?

You don't understand!
Without the Dyno-Caps

we're stuck here! No boats!
No bikes! Nothing! Nada!

But...

Why can't you just walk, Bulma?

That's easy for you to say!

You can ride the Flying Nimbus!

[OOLONG chuckling]
So long, suckers!

Well, why don't you just
have Oolong change into a

motorbike, and then
ride him outta here?

[BULMA] Oh! That's a
great idea, Goku.

I'm glad I thought of it!

Hey! Oolong, dear?

Huh?

Ahh! He ditched us!

[GOKU] Don't worry,
Bulma. I'll go get him!

[GOKU] Hey, Oolong
where are you?

Come out, come out
wherever you are!

You can't hide forever!

Hey, oh, Oolong!

If you come out I'll give
you a nice juicy pail of slop!

[OOLONG] If he thinks I'm
dumb enough to fall for the

old 'juicy pail of
slop' routine, then he's

even dumber than I thought!

There's no sign of
him anywhere, Bulma.

Oh! I knew I
couldn't trust him!

Piggy Piggy Piggy Piggy!

Piggy Piggy Piggy!

[BULMA] Piggy Piggy!

[intense rumbling]

[OOLONG] What's wrong
with my poor stomach?!

Woah! Oh, oh, I'm gonna blow!

[intense diarrhea]

Hey! Hey, Oolong!
What's the matter, little piggy?

You know that
vitamin I gave you?

It's really a pill that makes
you have to go "squatty potty"

anytime someone makes
the "Piggy" sound!

[BULMA] You're
not going anywhere!

Oh, that's perfect!

Huh, guess I've
got you under my power

now, little piggy!

[BULMA] What's with you?

You're a witch!

You cast a spell
on Oolong, admit it!

Oh Goku,
don't be so naive!

If I were a witch I wouldn't
need the Dragon Balls to

grant my wishes. That pill
was just a little bit of science

to control cowards like--

[OOLONG] Cheap shot!

Lucky for me I brought
some toilet paper along.

So, I trust my little
pill will keep you in line?

Yeah...

Yeah, I'll be "in line"
to get in the bathroom,

that's for sure!

I'll bet this kind of
stuff wouldn't happen

if you acted nicer!

I can still
take ya, kid!

Oh? Piggy
piggy piggy! Piggy!

[grunting]

[intense diarrhea]

I'll get you for this!

[GOKU laughing]

Well, I need my
motorcycle now, Oolong!

You lazy...

Huh? Hey, this
isn't exactly what

I had in mind, Oolong!

Me either, toots.

Oh well. Let's go.

Can't you do
anything right?!

What do we do now, pork chop?

Look, you amazon!

Do you think it's fun being
squashed to the ground

by a horse like you?!

So that's the
thanks I get.

What's the use anyway?

I can only hold a new
shape for five minutes,

then--poof!

Everyone thinks
shape-changing makes you

stronger that you really are,
but it don't. I couldn't even

carry you outta
here, if I wanted to.

But, I've got another idea.

[screaming]

Here, how's this, Bulma?

[OOLONG] Put me on and then
only one of us has to walk!

You pervert! Take that!

Next time, maybe you
should try being her hat!

[NARRATOR ] Continuing
their journey on foot,

Bulma, Oolong, and
Goku press on into the

uncharted,
unexplored. and uncool.

[panting]

I gave up riding my
cloud to walk with you two,

now try and keep up!

[BULMA] Just remember:
you're not a city kid, Goku.

You're used to the
wilderness, but I'm not!

I should be pampered!

My gosh, look
at this place!

[OOLONG] Yeah,
something's not right.

I keep getting the
feeling we're being watched.

It's giving me the creeps!

I can't stand
it! I'm going crazy!

Are you giving up?

[BULMA] No! Yes...
Maybe? I don't know!

I want a bath!
I need air-conditioning!

I don't want to be stranded
in the desert without a

boyfriend or my
Dyno-Caps anymore!

Her passion for
self-centeredness

inspires even me.

You sure are strange,
Oolong.

[BULMA] Ahh, shade.
Nap-time...

I say we just let
her rest for a while.

Suits me!

I sure am hungry. Uhh.

[CAT] Victims.

[CAT] Yamcha! Yamcha!

Victims! Woo hoo!

Well. it's about time.

[laughing]

[YAMCHA] We've had quite a dry
spell since we hijacked that

caravan, haven't we, Puar?

They're right down there,
Yamcha.

Can you see them?
Can you see them?

[YAMCHA] Only two? No problem.

[OOLONG] I'm starving over here!

I'm gonna go
find us some food.

Do you like bacon?

What are
you, brain dead?!

[OOLONG] I think I
hear something.

[humming]

[GOKU] What is it?

It ain't no camel!

[engine roaring]

[giggling]

Greetings.

I am Yamcha.

I am master of the
land you trespass upon.

It's my land, too!

You needn't fear me.
Just hand over your money and

any Dyno-Caps you may have and
I will let you pass in peace.

You're Puar!

We went to
shape-shifting acadamy together.

[PUAR] I remember!

And you were a
loud-mouthed bully!

He always picked on me and stole
my lunch money, because I was

smaller than him!

I'd say the tables
have turned, my friend.

How does it feel to
face someone bigger

than yourself, little piglet?

This guy looks pretty tough,
kid.

Think you can take him?

It's just like in the old days.

The swine still hides behind
someone whenever he's afraid!

Not much courage, huh?

That's right!

Not an ounce of
courage on that porker!

Puar, if I ever
get my hands on you...

Sounds like you
haven't changed much over

the years, Oolong.

Okay boys, enough talk.

Either hand over your goods
or prepare to fight me.

Just how strong
are you Goku?

I'm super strong.

All right, big shot!

The bigger you are
the harder you fall!

You may think you're looking at
an easy haul here, but my man

will slap you two silly before
it's all said and done!

[YAMCHA] Prepare to
defend yourself.

[PUAR] Make pork chops
out of him, Yamcha!

He can't talk to you like that!

[OOLONG] Just a second.

All right! Destroy
'em little buddy!

Oolong, why should I
want to destroy this guy?

Did he hurt somebody?

[OOLONG] Haven't you
been listening, kid?

That sword isn't made
outta rubber you know.

He plans to kill us!

[GOKU] I don't want to fight
you, but if I have to defend

my friends, I will!

I admire your bravery, kid.

Is it bravery or stupidity?

[snoring]

Geez, I thought
it was an earthquake!

[snoring]

Hyaah!

Hi-ya!

Hyaah!

[clank]

Power Pole, extend!

Unbelievable!

Believe it!

The kid's winning
this one, isn't he?!

You have great power for
a little one, don't you?

[GOKU] Thank you.
My Grandpa trained me.

[YAMCHA] Ahh. The pole.
the extending Power Pole.

Only one man could
have given that to you.

Who is this
grandfather of yours?

His name was Gohan.

And he died a long time ago.

I knew of him.
But even with your magic pole

and all that he
may have taught you,

I'm afraid you are
still no match for me.

[YAMCHA] I will
have that pole's power.

Give it to me or prepare
to fight to the death!

Uh-oh.
We're lunch meat now!

I'm starving!

You're not the only one
with special powers, kid.

Watch this!

Wolf Fang Fist!

[wolf howling]

--[wolf howling]
--[YAMCHA yelling]

[YAMCHA yelling]

[blow landing]

[blows landing]

[crashing]

[OOLONG] Guess we
won't need a headstone.

Why do I always
back the loser?

Why does it always
have to happen this way??

Now he'll come for me!

[OOLONG] Gee, I'd love to
stay and fight with you,

but I gotta fly!

Now's your chance, Puar!

Get him!

Right. With pleasure!

You mangy mongrel!

What'dya go and do that for?

I owed you one, Oolong!

[YAMCHA] Now, my worthless
adversary, either hand over what

you have or join your friend.

That's a choice, huh?

There's absolutely nothing
worse than getting ripped off.

[YAMCHA] Make it snappy, pig.

My patience with
you is wearing thin.

[rumbling]

Gotta get some food...

[YAMCHA] Thank you!

[GOKU] Hold It!

Right now, I've had just
about enough of you!

If you've truly had enough, kid.

go back to sleep
amongst the rubble and

don't provoke me again.

Come on. I'm just
getting warmed up, you know.

[blows landing]

[crash]

That's it, kid!

[shouting]

Oh boy, I think I'm
gonna die if I don't get

something to eat.

Why're you just
standing there Goku?

Do something!

[screaming]

Gee whiz, you guys.

What's all the screaming about?

[YAMCHA] She's gorgeous!

[tea kettle whistling]

Master, you okay?

Puar, you know I have
trouble around beautiful women!

I know.

Well, I guess we put
them on the run, didn't we?

Hey, you guys,
who was that hunk?

He looked absolutely dreamy!

Oh, wow!

Can we eat now?

[NARRATOR] Meanwhile,
back in Yamcha's hideout.

[YAMCHA] A warrior toppled
by a girl is humiliating!

Yamcha, she had
nothing to do with it.

You just tripped!

That's a lie, Puar!
I froze when I saw her.

But I will overcome
my fear of women.

Those fools have not
heard the last of Yamcha!

[NARRATOR] It would seem that
our heroes haven't seen the last

of Yamcha, the desert
bandit. Join us again for the

next episode of Dragon Ball!