Dr. Jackie (2022): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

Drag Race All Stars winner Monet X Change has a very big problem named Bob The Drag Queen while Mayans M.C. and Coco actress Selene Luna gets a "little" help from Dr. Jackie's office custodian, Muffy Bolding.

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[upbeat music plays]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress's agent
just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus
glass while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in
last, barely passed. ♪

♪ Now the calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed that
this phony would treat ♪



♪ The craziest of
the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is your slutty
blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

[door slams]
[soft jazzy music plays]

[singing] Don't worry,
life will get better.

Right now, you
work for a monster,

but just remember you're
skinny and pretty.

Skinny and pretty.

Did I mention young?

Good afternoon.



- It's morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm so sorry I'm late,
but I was binge watching

the first season of
Small Wonder last night

and I overslept this morning.

[Jackie yawns]
- What's Small Wonder?

What is Small Wonder?!

Only the most genius sitcom
in the history of television.

[Jackie laughs]
It's about this little girl

named Vicky who just
happens to be a robot

and it perfectly captures the
fatalistic fatality of life.

You know, I think
I might be a robot.

You're not.

How do you know?

I know.

Are you sure?

Robots are smart, Sherry.

So tell me, what do we
have on the books today?

Well, it was supposed to
be that two person session

with Bob the Drag Queen
and Monet X Change, but...

Now Sherry, you know
I don't like buts.

What about Canadian Prime
Minister, Justin Trudeau's butt?

Remember when you told me

you didn't know if
you would rather

choke to death on
his fat uncut cock

or suffocate between the
cheeks of his amazing ass?

I am never going to
happy hour with you again.

Now about that but.

Well, it turns out
that Bob and Monet

hate each other so
much they can't even

be in the same room together.

- What?
- Yeah.

Monet is in your office now.

And Bob is gonna call in on

video conference call.

Okay. So Monet's
in there right now?

Yeah.

Is she upset that
I'm running late?

No, not at all, she said she
would just make some Cameos.

What's a Cameo?

A Cam--
[cheery music plays]

A Cameo is a fabulous
way to get a personalized

video message for any occasion

from your favorite
D-list celebrity.

Oh yes, Sherry.
I remember now.

A Cameo is the perfect
custom way to celebrate

birthdays, anniversaries, graduations,

weddings, divorces,
or just give someone

a much needed pep talk or
tell them to fuck off and die.

[Jackie laughs]

Order your Jackie
Beat Cameo today!

[door opens]
[door shuts]

Order your Sherry
Vine Cameo today.

[door clatters open]
- What?

Order your Jackie
Beat Cameo today.

Yeah.

[door shuts softly]

[jazzy music plays]
[typewriter clicks]

[bell chimes]

So, it's your girl Monet.

Baby, I love you so much

and happy, happy
birthday, darling.

Muah!

[Monet sighs]
Ugh, God.

Are you done?

Oh, I didn't know
you were ready.

I am ready and Bob is actually

calling in and ready.
[digital phone ringing]

Wait--

Hey, Dr. Jackie.

Um, thank you for
taking my call.

And um, honestly, I really
wish I could have been there,

but it's actually gotten to
a point where I feel like

I can't even be in the
same room as Monet anymore.

It's just gotten so, so toxic.

I mean, she's so lazy.

Like for example, look!

We were supposed to
both do your show.

Queen.

This session...

This session in drag!

And she couldn't even
be bothered to get
in drag for this.

So, Dr. Jackie, please,
can you just fix her?

For me?

For my job, for our podcast.

Thank you.

[phone beeps]
- Okay, uh...

Well, I guess it's
just you and me.

Do you see that?

I did. It's a lot.

Let me break it down for you,
Dr. Jackie, in the real way.

So Bob and I, we obviously have

our podcast together,
Sibling Rivalry.

Um, you know, first
it started out

out of joy and the
rivalry was fun, right?

It was cute. It was--

That's a cute name.

It was chic!

But now the rivalry is real
and Bob has become irate.

He has become irrational.

And honestly, I just
can't stand him.

And we were once sisters.

We were once friends, but
now he's my mortal enemy.

I hate him.

So it sounds
like it started out

as a real cute name,
Sibling Rivalry,

- [Monet] Yeah.
- and then it was almost like

a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah.

This reminds me of...

I have this one neighbor
who's really annoying

and she's always
trying to talk to me

and I pretend to be deaf.

And then I went to the
doctor and it turns out

I have lost 20% of my
hearing in one of my ears.

Oh my God.

So it's like careful
what you wish for.

- [Monet] Yeah.
- Right?

[Monet] Yeah. Yeah.
For sure, definitely.

Ugh. Should have called
the show Best Friends.

No, I don't even
want that, Dr. Jackie.

- Oh.
- I don't want to have

anything to do with
Bob ever again.

That's... that's a lot.

Now, I understand that
this podcast of yours

is very, very popular.

I get recognized everywhere.

I can't, I can't
go to Whole Foods.

I can't go to TJ's.

I can't go to the
glory hole, Dr. Jackie,

and not be recognized
in drag, out of drag.

So that's why today I wanted
to not even do the drag thing,

so I can just feel a little
more protected, you know?

- Right.
- [Monet] Yeah.

So you're that famous, huh?

Everywhere.

If it makes you feel any
better, I've never heard of you.

And if I saw you out and
about at Whole Foods or...

The glory hole?

I've never been there.

What is that? A club?

Yeah. It's like little
gay angels come into clubs

and they make these
little circular

- Sweetie...
- worshiping holes.

I'm kidding.

It's a hole in a wall that
you stick your dick through

and then a stranger
moistens it with their mouth

until you get so excited,

fluid comes out of it.

I want you to
be more inclusive.

People stick their
asses there too.

Not just their
dicks, Dr. Jackie.

- Are you serious?
- [Monet] Yes.

Now I'm really
learning something.

Yeah. It's incredible.

You can put your butt
up against a glory hole?

[laughing] I mean, if
you had the right butt.

I mean, I have a
lot of surface area,

so I require a bigger hole.

- [Jackie] Right.
- Yeah.

To me, it'd be difficult
if you had a bubble butt.

You'd have to back up
- [Monet] Yeah.

- onto the glory hole.
- [Monet] Yeah.

And then, you know,
not to be judgemental,

but the other gentleman,
on the other side

of the wall would have to be

very well endowed.
- [Monet] Yeah.

Cause you're
already, you know...

I mean, well, when you go
to glory holes in Compton,

that's not a problem.

Okay, that's a stereotype

and even though
it's a positive one,

I don't want to go there, okay?

[Monet laughs]
So listen, let's deal with

your problem at hand.

Enough glory holes and I
never thought I'd say that.

[Monet and Jackie laugh]

So like I said, if it, if
it puts your mind at ease,

I have no idea who you are

[Monet sighs]
and I would never bother you

on the street if I saw...

Wait a minute. I
do recognize you.

[Monet laughs]

You're on that HBO show
where you help people,

with the, uh, Shangela
and the big girl.

- No.
- [Jackie] Big fat girl.

- That's Bob.
- Oh, that's Bob.

The person who just refused
to be a part of this process.

That's Bob?
- Yes.

Well, you must admit
you do... look similar.

Because we're both...

Bald?

Drag Queens. Bald drag Queens.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Ha, trust me if I was on HBO,

I would've canceled being
on this fuckin' show,

just like Bob did.

Ouch.

At least she called in.

You know, it is
very warm in here.

You know what, it's because
we're on the third floor

and there's no circulation

and I can't open that window,

because one of my
patients recently...

Seriously?

Do you mind if
I just go online

and order a fan for this room

really quickly, before I forget?

- Whatever.
- Um...

It is really stuffy in here,

so I need a giant one.

I don't know how to...
what should I search?

I'm just gonna do just
for fans, big ones.

No! No.

[deep boing plays]
- Okay.

I would pay $10
a month for that.

I mean, that's like
a dollar an inch.

Girl.

I'll order it later.

Can we please get
on with my session?

[Monet snaps sharply]
- Of course, Bob

I'm Monet.

[Monet sighs]

So, what really sparked
all of this and why I'm...

why we were both
supposed to be here,

but I'm here, 'cause I'm
dedicated and I, you know,

respect your craft
and what you do.

- Hmmm.
- And you're, you know,

you're moderately decently
semi good at what you do.

I want to get your
honest opinion.

Thank you?

So here's how it
happened, Dr. Jackie.

We were at the studio,
filming the podcast,

like we always been done doing,

- Mm-hmm.
- And he pulled up something

on his phone to show
me and I, admittedly,

I accidentally swiped right
when I shouldn't have.

And...

He blew up.

You saw something you
weren't supposed to see.

On his phone?

- On his phone, yes.
- A private photo?

- Private photo of--
- An adult photo?

An adult photo, Dr. Jackie.

And he grabbed his
phone and then I

knocked his favorite coffee
cup over and I broke it.

Okay.

Actually, you know what?

I didn't even, I don't need
to explain this to you.

The whole video is online
if you want to see it,

'cause we have like almost a
million subscribers on YouTube.

Wait a minute.

You accidentally broke
his favorite coffee cup

- [Monet] Yeah!
- and he overreacted?

Yeah. He blew up.

He got so angry.

So enraged, filled with rage.

- And you say it's online.
- It's online.

All right, let me look it up.

Let me see what's going on here.

I mean, I wish he was here.

- I wish he was too.
- I could get

his side of the story.

You know what I, you,
you don't want him here.

He smells. That's
another thing, too.

The smell is bad.
It was terrible.

[Monet sighs]

Okay, I don't know
how to look stuff up.

I'm so bad at this, uh...

So it was you two

fighting over a cup?

- [Monet] Yes.
- I'm just gonna put

two girls one cup.

You know what?

Yeah. Do that.

Look, yeah, look, look that up.

Oh my God!
[dramatic music]

Oh! No!

No! Make it stop.

No. Oh my God!

No.

I think there's a pair of
scissors around here somewhere.

Will you please
stab me in the eyes?

In the heart?

Hold me.

Don't hold me. That's
inappropriate, right?

This is all inappropriate.

Okay, I...

Bob... and you're not Bob.

I'm, I, I am not
Bob, for the 14th time.

You are Moh-net.
[digital buzzer blares]

Mmm. Close.

Try again.

Maw-nit?
[digital buzzer blares]

No, there's an
accent on the E.

Monet.
[digital bell chimes]

Yeah. That's me.

- You are Monet
- Mm-hmm.

- and you need help.
- [Monet] Yes.

And I'm here for you.

Are you?

Yes.

I would like to try
something a little different,

if you're open to it.

Ooh!

Are you gonna
actually pay attention

and gimme some good
fucking advice?

[spooky music plays]

Have you ever been hypnotized?

Don't even think
about it, bitch.

I've seen Get Out.

You know what, Monet?
[pen taps sharply]

I can see why Bob has
a problem with you.

Yeah.

You are just really
hard to work with.

- Me?
- You're not cooperative.

You're just a generally
unpleasant person.

[Monet laughs]

So let me this straight.

You can't remember my name.

You sitting up here
looking at porn

On accident.

And you let it slip
that one of your patients

jumped out of the window.

You know what, Dr. Jackie?

You actually helped
me out a lot today.

[Monet laughs]
Yeah, you did.

'Cause compared to you,
Bob is a fucking saint.

Okay? And on that, I'm out.

But! Before I go?
[Monet laughs]

I'm taking this
and leaving this.

[bottle clatters loudly]

But--
[door clicks shut]

Don't take it
personally, Jackie.

As you learned in school,
hurt people hurt people.

Now what is this?

Serve.

Green apple vodka.

Maw-net X Change.

[cork pops softly]
Let's try it.

Oh, that is good.

I feel like I just had
a serving of fruit.

[Jackie laughs]

That kinda looks like...

Oh, that is her.

[jazzy music plays]

[cellphone rings]

Hey honey, what's up?

Dr. Jackie. It's
me, Kate Flannery.

Oh, hi Kate.

I--
[Kate sighs]

I'm calling 'cause
I have an emergency.

[Kate sighs]

You're the only person
that can help me.

- Uh-huh, okay.
- I am at a restaurant

and I'm about to
meet a friend of mine

who I haven't seen
in quite some time

and I understand that she's
recently become a vegan.

- Ugh.
- I know.

Well, this is one of
my favorite restaurants

and they have the rib special.

Can I eat ribs in front
of a vegan friend?

You know, vegan's hearts
are in the right place,

but they are so annoying.

Just do what I do.

Lie, order the ribs
and when they come,

just tell her they're
actually vegan ribs.

Just say, you know, that's
why you go to that restaurant.

They have the best
vegan ribs in town

and even, you know,
offer her a bite of it.

You know, I do
that all the time.

Yeah, my vegan friends
are just like, really?

This tastes like meat.

And I'm like...
[Jackie laughs]

You know, I mean, listen.

I did something similar
at a party I threw.

A friend of mine
who's been in recovery

for like 16 years said,

"Hey, is there booze
in this punch?"

And I was like, ugh, I
don't want an argument.

"No, there's no
booze in that punch."

[Jackie laughs]
Ugh. You know.

What, what could
possibly go wrong?

She did wake up the next day

in her car in the middle
of the LA River, but...

Anyway, enjoy your lunch!

Dr. Jackie.

You're the greatest.
- Mm-hmm!

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

You are my emergency contact.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

Don't trust anyone
who doesn't eat meat.

I'll talk to you later!

[jazzy music plays]

Good afternoon, Dr. Jackie.

Oh, good afternoon.

And who the hell are you?

I'm Sherry's
sister, Calpurnia.

I'm filling in for her
while she's in the hospital.

She's having her left boob

made the same size
as her right boob.

Remember?

Oh, of course.

Well, thank you for being here.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

And your next appointment
should be here any moment.

Great.

Also um...

I found to-do list on
Sherry's desk marked 2007.

So I took the liberty of
doing everything on it.

What?

Yes, I reorganized and
alphabetized your patient files.

[dreamy music plays]
I completed your annual

insurance paperwork,

responded to all your unanswered
emails and phone calls,

refilled the M dispenser,

and I rotated the
tires on your car.

Wow.

Oh, and I'm also
certified in reflexology,

so if you'd like of foot
massage later, just let me know.

[Jackie laughs]
- I certainly will.

So about this surgery
that Sherry's having,

do you know just
how risky it is?

What do you mean?

Um, what are
the chances of her

dying on the operating table

and you becoming my
receptionist full-time?

Oh, well, I'm not
sure about that,

but I would be happy
to look it up online

and get all the pertinent
information and statistics

compiled into a very easy
to read and understand

PowerPoint presentation.

While massaging my feet?

[Calpurnia chuckles]
- Of course!

Dear God, please take Sherry
into your loving arms today.

Amen.

Well, if there's nothing
else, I am going to go

steam clean all the furniture
in the waiting room.

[Jackie cries softly]

Oh, by the way, I do
have to be out by 6:00 PM

to go to my QAnon meeting.
[record scratches sharply]

Let me know if
you'd like to come.

We are always looking
for new members.

Dear God, please ignore
that last prayer. Amen.

I knew it was too
good to be true.

[jazzy music plays]

[typewriter clicks]
[bell chimes]

Oh, I didn't realize I had
a children's session today.

I'll get out the
uh, trauma puppets.

I'm an adult, bitch!

Excuse me?

Ugh, I'm so sorry
for overreacting.

That's why I'm here.

I need help controlling
my short fuse.

Short fuse?

My name is Selene Luna.

I've been in show business
for over two decades

and, as a little person, it
can be really humiliating.

And sometimes when I try
to stand up for myself,

I can go overboard.

That's understandable.

Now you say you've
been humiliated.

How so?

Well I'm constantly
playing elves,

lady leprechauns,
possessed dolls,

foul mouthed little girls,
all just to pay the bills.

Honey, we all do what
we have to do to survive.

I have to sit here
and pretend to listen

while people whine and moan
about their boring lives.

I probably shouldn't
have said that out loud.

Please go on.

Well now I'm a
recurring character

on a very popular TV
show on a big network.

Congratulations!

So what's the problem?

[Selene sighs]

I just wanna be an actress,

but people never let me forget
that I'm a little person.

That's terrible.

Shrimp?

Um, no, thank you.

Shortbread?

Um, no.

Tootsie Roll Midgees?

Excuse me?

What? That's what
they're called.

This is what
I'm talking about.

These jokes are not even
funny. They're just cheap.

So is the Indian
food I had for lunch.

I'm so sorry to do this,

but will you excuse
me for a few minutes?

I've really gotta go
to the ladies room.

What?! Are you serious?

Aw, this stinks?

Yeah, it's gonna
stink even worse

if I don't get to
the restroom in time.

Be right back.

[plastic rustling]
[trash can clunks down softly]

Oh honey, don't mind me.

I'm just here to empty
this waste basket.

Oh, okay.
[trash can clangs]

Speaking of which,
you cannot even imagine

what I've found in this
waste paper basket.

Soil, pantyhose,

Japanese squid porn,

used syringes.

Now I'm not suggesting that
that skank is shootin' smack.

And as we both know,
she's far too fat

for that to be making any sense.

[janitor sighs]
And it certainly isn't any

do-it-yourself Botox, because
that bitch has more crows feet

on her face than Tippi Hedren.

But I'm telling you, I know,
like I know, like I know,

she's mainlining something.

You should be careful.

She'll be back any moment now.

Oh honey, she's
shitting her brains out.

We got plenty of time.

So tell me what's
going on with you.

What's wrong?

Oh my God. Who is that?!

Oh, that's Dr. Jackie's son.

How you doing Bat Wing?
[ominous music plays]

Don't worry about
him. He's harmless.

Actually, being
Dr. Jackie's son,

I'm surprised that
he's only addicted

to black lipstick and
not black tar heroin.

So tell me, baby girl,
why are you care?

[Selene chuckles]

Sorry. That's personal

Honey, honey, honey.

You're paying $300
an hour to someone

who is 10 times
crazier than you are

when all you really need

is a common sense tia
like me to talk to.

Well, honestly?

I'm just sick of people
being disrespectful

and condescending to me

just because I'm
a little person.

You...

are magic.

You are a unicorn in
God's cigar box of rocks.

You, my child are a
mother fucking diamond.

So you listen to me.

Anytime anybody gives you
any grief, you remember this.

You tell them to
fuck right on off.

Thank you so much, um...

Muffy. And don't mention it.

Well, I guess I better run,
go put on a hazmat suit.

Time to give that
bathroom a good scrubbing

now that old Jumbo is finished
spraying her enclosure.

Ew.

Oh, and one more thing,

and you didn't hear
this from me...

Mm-hmm?

Despite the fact
that she claims to be

a world famous sex
therapist, that bitch?

She can't fuck.

[Selene laughs quietly]

[chair squeaks]
- Oh, I'm back.

I'm so sorry, honey.
Now, where were we?

I feel great. I
had a breakthrough.

I now feel fully equipped

to deal with the
assholes of the world.

Well, great. I,
you're welcome.

I mean, it's what
I do, you know?

So I mean, I can't
really take credit.

It's just God
working through me.

Now, I want you to
[dreamy music plays]

go out there and I want you
to knock him dead little lady.

Huh?

And if you ever feel
depressed or small,

I want you to just be grateful

that you're not in a tree
somewhere making cookies

or working at the North Pole

or in a dinner theater
production of the Wizard of Oz.

Fuck off, fatty!
[dramatic music plays]

[door clatters open and shut]

Fatty?

[cracker crunches]

[jazzy jingle plays]