Dr. Jackie (2022): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

After years of studying, failed actress Jackie Beat has finally become a psychotherapist. Okay, so maybe it really only took a few hours online, but she has a piece of paper saying she's a "doctor."

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[introduction music]

♪ She was unemployed and happy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just
recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass

♪ Drinking cheap boxed wine

♪ Til she took a bogus class

♪ While at home online

♪ Finished fast

♪ Came in last

♪ Barely passed

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed that
this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of
the Showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only
thing more distant ♪

♪ And more scary

♪ Is her slutty
blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

[birds chirping]

Well, it wasn't very long,
but it was super thick.


Well, plus he paid for dinner.

I gotta go.

Good morning Dr. Jackie.

Good morning.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had car trouble.

You got a brand new car.

What happened?

I overslept and
got in it too late.

What's my first
appointment this morning?

A young lady named Katya






That's what it
says, right here.

Well, what's her situation?

She's severely depressed.

Suffers from low self-esteem.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, is she paying cash,
or does she have insurance?

Oh! Oo, she has top
of the line insurance

that covers 100% of
all her sessions.

Oh goodie.

I mean, she sounds
like a very sick woman

and I'm probably going
to have to see her at

least four times a week.

Got it.

Oh, I thought you said

you weren't gonna
get any more plants.

It's a small one.

And besides Sherry,

people need oxygen, and
plants produce oxygen.


I think just the
cup this morning.



[Sherry] Yes?

I think you might wanna review

the employee dress code again.

No sequins.

But you're wearing sequins.

I'm the star!

The boss, I'm the boss.

Got it.

[upbeat music]

Plants produce oxygen?

I don't think so.

[Sherry types]

Look it up.

[dial up tone]

I'll get my answer
in 20 minutes.

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

[Katya] Hi.

[Dr. Jackie] Hi. How are you?

[Katya] Not great.

[Dr. Jackie] Oh, Honey.

I know I heard your call.

It was frantic.

What's going on?

I don't even know
where to start.

Okay. Well, I have a-

At the beginning.


That's where you start.


That might be your problem.

Oh. What?

Relax. We have an hour.


What's the problem?

Well, I think that I might be


preoccupied with

other people's opinion.

Okay. Here we go. I-

There's no judgment here.

Oh, okay.

Okay? Tell me about
your life first of all.

And then let's get
to the problem later.

Well, it's perfect.

That's the problem.

My life is perfect.

I have a huge set
of adoring fans.

I'm world famous for something

that I don't even know what for.

I'm beloved in my community
and around the world.

All, all I get online is just

like praise and
love and constant.

But I just have this feeling
that everybody hates me.

Everybody hates you.

And it doesn't make any sense,
but I just, I don't know.



Hates me.

Yeah, there's something
about the way that my friends,

my coworkers, even my
family, and especially

my main partner, my
creative partner.

I just sense this
seething, hatred.

This bubbling, churning,
putrescent, like a


Deary, what does
putrescent mean?

[Deary] It means
like super gross.


Okay. So it's like this.

You know how smells
can get like hit you

and you fall over and then
you, you start puking.

It's like, it's like a real

it's like the gut
punch of a feeling.


Yeah. And it's, I just

That everyone hates you.

Every single person
at the post office,

at the Boulangerie
at the, the Jamboree.

You can say bakery.

It's in France.


So what do I do?

Well, first of
all I do have to say

that in my opinion,

low self-esteem

and this is sort of
classic imposter syndrome.

The whole world loves you,
but you don't love yourself.

It's rooted in the mother.

So let me ask you, tell
me about your mother

and how she treated you
and how she raised you.

Well, she didn't talk
until she was about 30

and then she screamed and
went to China for two weeks.

Okay. This makes no sense.

How would you know that she
didn't talk until she was 30?

Because she screamed
I'm 30 and I'm going.

And then she went to China.

Who among us has not
had that type of mother.

You know, she never hit me.

She kicked me.



You know, she never strangled
me, but she fingered me.

So I feel like she blamed me
for a lot of things that were

you know, you know, deaths,

[Dr. Jackie] Right.


There were murders?

There was a lot of
murders in the neighborhood.

Mostly animals, but...

[phone vibrates]

I'm so sorry, one second.

This is important.

Did somebody die?

No, it's a really funny meme.

Oh my God.

I love corgis.


I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

I have an idea.

[Katya] Okay.

I want to do
some affirmations.


You have a tape
playing in your head.

Have you ever heard that?

That phrase?

A what?

Like you have, like
you have a recording

in your head from your mother.

Remember the woman who
kicked you and fingered you?


Oh, like a recording?


Like, like a, like a boombox.

You're worthless.


Hey you little bitch.

You know?

I never should have had you.

God damn it you're ugly.


[Dr. Jackie] What is going
on with that eye makeup?


Why did you wear that dress?

You know, black and
White's not good for TV.

[Katya] Yeah.

What is wrong with you bitch?

[Katya] Yeah.

What the fuck?

Why so many elbows?

Why the knees always dirty?

What's with all the fingers?


[Katya] Yeah.

So we need to stop that tape.

Now, I don't know
how old you are,

and I don't care, don't say it.


Now you're gonna push stop.

We don't wanna
hear that anymore.


That's that song on Jagged
Little Pill that doesn't work.


You wanna hear the hits.

The Macarena.

Okay, that's not.

Alanis Morrissette did
not do the Macarena.

Gangnam Style.

[Dr. Jackie shushes]


We're pushing stop.

We're gonna, we're gonna
play a different song.

We're gonna play
a different tape.



So you're gonna repeat after me.



No more Mommy
saying, "I hate you."

"You're ugly."

"What the fuck?"

"Why did you wear that?"

Why did you wear that?

We're gonna do a new thing.


So repeat after me.


I am worthy.

I am wormy.

I'm a valid person.

I'm a vapid person.

Okay. Did you see
what you did there?

What? I closed my eyes.

Should I take my glasses off?

No, listen to me.

Look me in the eye.

Pick one.

Uh huh.

I said, "I am worthy."

You said, "I am wormy."

A worm is the lowest thing
on earth crawling around.

I said, "I am valid."

You said, "I am vapid."

Vapid, correct me if I'm wrong,

means empty; of no value.

Intellectually devoid of
any substance whatsoever.

These tapes are still playing.

All right?

Look, look at the finger.

And, and this is
not Mommy's finger.

So don't freak out.

[Katya] Okay.


Now. Let's try it again.

[Katya] Okay.

Really listen to
what I'm saying.

[Katya] Okay.

I am worthy.

I am flirty.

Katya, Katya.

You're more than your sexuality.

You said flirty.

[Katya] Flirty.

You don't need to flirt.

I, okay.

You don't need to flirt.

It's not all about
being fuckable.

I am 40.

Stop it.

You're obviously
older than that.

Listen. I need you to focus.

[Katya] Okay.

Really listen to
what I'm saying.

I'm gonna listen.

Let it in.

I'm gonna listen.

The old tape is done.



I am worthy.

I am a valid person.

And people love me!

And people love me.


I am worthy!

I'm a valid person!

And people love me!

Do you feel it?

I feel it.

Is it real?

I think it's real.

The tape is playing.

The CD's going.

I think I'm wet.

Is this Scotch Guarded?

[phone rings]

Wait. Hold that.


I'm so sorry.

It's my phone again.

What another meme?

No, actually this
is very important.

It's, no offense, a bigger name.

And I, they actually have me

on retainer and this
is an emergency call.

Ann Miller?

[shushes Katya]


Hey Trixie.

How are you, honey?

Hi, it's me Trixie.

I hate to call on such short
notice, but I've actually

been having some mental stress
and some emotional fatigue.

Is everything okay?

I work with someone who
really is just irresponsible,

difficult, selfish, inappropriate.

Oh honey.

[shushes Trixie]

It's just getting more
and more difficult to go

to work and kind
of face the day.

So I was wondering

Not a good time

Advice for working
with somebody

who's truly sort of an idiot.

I totally understand
your frustration, but

Garbage and really
disgusting to look at.

And my stomach turns
just even being

around her.


It's Katya, please help.

[phone call ends]


She hates me.

I was right.

Stop the tape

Don't you gaslight me.

Stop the tape!

Now, say it again.

Say it again.

Come here, come closer.

[loud slap]

Now that's called tough love.

And it's somewhere in a
book here in my office.

It is a valid form of therapy.

And speaking of valid, I need
you to repeat our new tape.


I'm a worthy person.

I'm a valid person.

I'm a people person.

I love me.

You put a spin on
it, but that's it.

Okay. I'm a fruit
bar and a wagon wheel.

Are you feeling it?

I feel actually
pretty incredible.

I feel, I mean, like
I feel more limber.

I've got, oh, you
hear that crack?

I've got thoracic mobility.

I think this is
gonna work for me.

Thank you so much Dr. Jackie.

You are, I don't touch.

Okay, well.

Listen, I'm glad
you feel better.

I'm glad you feel great.

But this is just the beginning.

We need to back this up like
three, four times a week.

We need to do this.


I'll pack a lunch.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll get a babysitter.

Do whatever you need to do.

Okay. I'll get pregnant too.

Okay. Thank you so much.

You are so welcome.

God bless you.



God bless me. It is what I do.

All right.

Thank you.


Thank you. Thank you.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, it was fine.

But between you and
me, I think I hate her.

Oh Honey, everyone hates her.

Katya is fucking annoying.

Do you validate?



[upbeat music]

[phone rings]


Dr. Jackie.

It's Margaret Cho.

Oh, well hello, Margaret Cho.

How can I help you, Honey?

I'm just wondering.

So I,

had my big toenail removed.

It had toenail fungus,

because I used to be a swimmer.

Uh huh.

And I looked at the toenail.

Well now see...

And it really looked like,

I'm not sure if it was a

maybe pork rinds.


With some spicy sauce on it.

And I really wanted to eat it.

And the podiatrist said, no.

Would you have, let me eat it?

I agree 100% with
your podiatrist.

Do not eat that toenail.

If you eat that toenail,
next thing you know

you're snacking on other
parts of your body.

And then the next thing you know

it's a slippery slope bitch.

You are eating other
people's body parts.

And then, hello!

Can you say Armie Hammer?


He had fantasies,

sexual fantasies about
cannibalizing women.

He was canceled.

Anyway, listen, I'm just saying,

be careful, you do
what you need to do

but, I'm glad we
nipped this in the bud.

Thanks Dr. Jackie. I
would've never thought of that.

You always give me
the best advice.

All right, honey.

Yeah. I'm glad I
could be of help.

I'll email you a bill.

[call ends]

Eating your toenails.

Okay, that is disgusting.

[upbeat music]

Oh, hey. How was your lunch?

Oh, delicious.

I went to that
new Italian place.

What new Italian place?

Oh, it's called
Spaghetti Freddy's

and it's located right
between Diet Depot

and the Back Fat Gym for
ladies in that strip mall.

[Sherry] Hmm.

Did you eat?

Nope. Nothing for me.

Just my Trim Licious
meal replacement shake.

You know, it's really
not healthy to skip meals.

I'll make a note
of that Dr. Fauci.

Excuse me?

I said sometimes
it makes me grouchy.

Well, your next appointment
is already here.

Some kind of workplace drama.

Yawn. God, I
hate normal people.


[chews loudly]

[upbeat music]

Hello. I'm Dr. Jackie
and you are Mario.

Yeah. Hi.


How are you doing?

I'm doing alright.

Seem a little uptight.

I'm okay.

Thank you.

Well, if you were okay,

you probably wouldn't be
seeing a psychotherapist.

What's going on?

Well, I feel a little
awkward actually.

I've never done therapy before

so this is a little
weird for me.

Well, let me put
your mind at ease.

This is a safe place.

This is strictly confidential.

Anything you say is
just between you and me.

Well, where do I begin?

Well, just tell me a
little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a 50
year old gay man.

And I don't know.

I just feel like

It's over.

You feel like it's over.

You feel invisible.

You feel less than,
unwanted, undesirable.

You're not the cute guy anymore.

You're not fashionable.

You gotta wear the hat to
hide the receding hairline.

You got the pot belly starting.

You know, nobody wants
to, you're unfuckable.

You know, it's like
in the gay world,

you may as well be a dead woman.

You're clearly on
Grubhub more than Grindr.

It's over for you.

I mean, let's be honest
in your community.

You're a steaming pile of shit.

Yeah. No, that's
not why I'm here.

It's not?


Okay. Well, why don't you
tell me why you're here.

Okay, I will.

And write it down.

Well, I'm having
some issues at work.

Having some issues at work.

Work. And I
thought maybe uh...

And you thought
that maybe uh...



I thought that
maybe you could help.

You thought that... I don't
need to write that down.

I can help.

Well, I'm here because I'm
having some workplace issues.

So I brought a couple
of my coworkers.

I thought maybe we could
figure some of this stuff out.

Oh, well of course.
Let's bring them in.

Shirley. Could you send in
Mario's coworkers please?

[Sherry Over
speaker] It's Sherry.

They're right there.





Did you hear all that?

That's, just so you know
that that was confidential.

Everything about...

So I understand
that there is some

workplace drama going
on between you two.

What's going on?

This one thinks
he's such hot shit.

I don't think it, I know it.

First of all, please
uncross your arms.

Why don't you open yourself up

to being a part of this process?

There you go.

Now, I have heard enough.

Believe it or not.

They said one little thing each,

but I'm a seasoned professional

and I understand
what's going on here.

Let me guess.


You two work together.

You were once on
friendly terms, and you

or you

sold more used cars,

or solar panels,

or water softening systems,
than the other one.

And now this good-natured,
fun competition has

turned your office into
a virtual war zone.

No, no, no, no.

We don't work in an office.


I'm a queer producer.

You can't say that word.

Look, I throw a
party called Schlongz!

with a Z and an
exclamation point.

And they're my go-go dancers.


Look, they used to date,

and now they're bickering
all the time at work.

I mean, people come there
to have a good time.

And these two are just
fighting, fighting, fighting.

I mean, nobody comes to see
two gorgeous men wearing next

to nothing.

Behaving like school girls.

Two gorgeous men

wearing next to nothing.


Now what is going on?

He won't shut up
about his amazing ass.

Okay. Cuz you won't, and can't

shut up about your huge cock.

I think I know
what's going on here.

Do you see this?

What does it say?

Doctor Jackie.

I want all three
of you to say it.

[All Three Men] Doctor Jackie.

Doctor Jackie. Keyword doctor.

But, I'm not a magician,

and I'm certainly not a medium.

Oh God.

I wish I was a medium.

I'm like an extra
large right now.

Well, I've been
eating my feelings.

I don't know what's going on.

Physician heal thyself.

Am I right?

Listen, I need to come
from a place of knowledge.

If you're trying to
figure something out

you need all the information
that you can get.

Now I realize that just
like my Jewish friend, Barry

who is always eating bacon

and refuses to have
his son circumcised,

this is highly unorthodox.

But for purely
therapeutic reasons

I need to see this amazing ass

and huge cock.

I think it's our only chance
to let the healing begin.

Are you two
comfortable with this?


I guess

Great! Then let
the party begin.

[techno music plays]

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D,
I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D,
I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D,
I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D,
I invented that ♪

♪ I invented that

All right you guys, that's it.

Put your clothes on.

We're leaving.

Well, you must admit
they're getting along now.

Thanks to Dr. Jackie.

Thank you, Dr.

Does anyone say, "Thank
you, Dr. Jackie?" No.

[upbeat music plays]